A Women's Perspective | She'd Hate To Be A Man

0:01 Hello and welcome to real men. Feel I am your host author coach and healer. And Ygritte please visit v&e Grant.com to learn more about me. Real men through our minds men, that they are human beings and have the right to experience and express all of their emotions. We have conversations that most men aren't having but that all men can benefit from, you know, some common complaints I hear from men. Over the years are that they feel disposable under attack. Can't do anything, right? And don't know what's expected of them. So maybe it's time to get a woman. In perspective on what's going on between men and women. My guest today is Reverend Leslie, Peters are n choose a curator of intuitive and transformational conversations. A trauma-informed, and spiritual nurse leader.

0:41 Speaker consultant, trainer and Retreat. Facilitator. She's worked with women for 30 years and told me guys can't win her mission is to teach the masses, using the knowing of the heart, the knowledge of Science, and the wisdom of experience, welcome to real men, feel Reverend Leslie. Well, I know I love The sister I think the system Brazil has grown expect by this. Yeah. You know what? It's such a pleasure to meet you. And yeah I'm going to let you because I don't want to exert my masculine energy. When you take control of the conversation I asked a lot of questions so if I are you cool with if I say well what about it?

1:22 Again this is a conversation. So and and the first time you reached out to me and said, you know, based on your entire career working with women In that I wouldn't want to be in a man in a relationship. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. So can tell me what you mean by that. So what and Beyond There's women who accompany, and who they are, and you know who they are. I that's not the case, but when a, when a woman you were, I guess comes to relationship with, you know, some issues that haven't been resolved, anything we can buy, right?

2:02 But I don't know when that. Well, I'm no one that's intriguing. You guys need to do the same thing, okay? But women who aren't real cops. Selves, I think that's when guys running to World trouble because with any relationship to people, right, when you meet people, you each have moods and relationship starts. It's because something in unique mind using fucking amazing. We can do the yours. And, you know, I think it's a relationship goes, if, if we if we don't become what we mean by the the other on the other person, Say, I need to learn how to improve your true love, you, and variation sure if we're in a relationship for four or five years, and I haven't learned how to unconditional love and was attracting you to lose.

3:00 You could own position involved, right? If I haven't learned that, it's been my experience that is exact thing, which can lead to you, which will pull it apart because if I still have that kind of mood, what I originally wasn't active in, using a strong route is now downloaded. Probably me. I will rather person. Sure is encouraging my. Does that make sense? He'll like a woman who knows him team leader. Only needs more. Tell me. Will be a lot of men have a child, right and vice versa.

3:43 I'm not saying it's just a woman thing, same thing at the man comes. And, you know, we man comes to relationship, knowing how to moodle's our emotional needs, then the woman will be fine. If he doesn't, and Stevens hearing the same things and you had made a good point earlier when it kind of backup and we're speaking in generalities. But yeah, we as we Say women and men do this. We aren't speaking for all. We're saying the ones that are having the difficulties in life and I'm not just the the unawakened masses or I, you know, I don't know. But just realize if doesn't resonate with you, you're not one of the people have any issue that the yeah, it's not only just happened General, we can talk specifics but what sport needs to reach out to you is, I've never had a problem with women who were hideout with women in comments, they were, they were pretty open pretty Family.

4:37 They may not be able to meet their own needs, but they were, they knew that Community needs emotionally. And I've been, I've had no problems with women who are very successful and know who they are. And therefore standing interval Hoover was where I went through our pom like five or six years has meaning, who pretend to know who they are. But downbeat, they've grown, and in that case, if anything, well, I think you're wrong. I'm the masculine loan for anyone who's really complement and contending with this is a threat exact. Yeah yeah. And this is true for men and women that any any time that I'm if I don't love myself enough and I want you to give me all the love to fill up my emptiness problems. Yeah, I think they're like the crazy thing is because I used to hear women say, you know, like how he doesn't do this for me, who must not love me or talking about it. Are women, which I'll laugh at us in the route is if you're coming to relationship, looking for that a person you're going to track.

5:45 Someone can't do it for themselves so it really has nothing to do with how much he loves you. It's somebody can't give that to themselves. There's no where, and how they will be able to give it to you and after is men or women. So is that the root issue and challenges between men and women, trying to trying to use another person to fill our unmet needs. Yeah. I think it's much as I can for it. I really do think it could daddy mommy issue. I think it's if women and young men or if you look at it in my opinion they are a woman's first. Hopefully non sexual intimate relationship with a woman. So the pressure is on guys, right? Because you are setting an example for that girl. What her relationships are going to look like the rest. Ruin and action.

6:38 You have a party. And Congress over with women, you know? I mean, I realized one time and I'm saying all this, like, I didn't do great mom relationships, just because I was married for 25 years, but the guy I married was just like my dad, took him, 25 years, realize how 110 pain in my married, my father, like, what the heck? But they were, they were confident in themselves and way. Way that they made themselves feel better was to verbally make someone else feel bad. You know? I mean side kind of shut down emotionally. Well, not about me but you know, it's my marriage. Probably like 10 years into it.

7:28 I remember x capital and I said to him like if you want this marriage to also do not have stopped robbing me 60 days a week. And you never even loved her job though. Only two months went by on with you two - the one. You never even put a resume together. There's a pen answer that for you. I'm done. And then it became the transactional relationship. I will to financial. I thought the guy was a week I think that in part by so my relationship wasn't the best but entitled I see a lot of things that I mean I paid. It would have made it better in the beginning and it all comes their own. I hate that word communication, Oakland County having a hard conversation before you get married. Yeah, here, I've talked to lots of women that said they are Dad, if their dad was emotionally, shut down, not expressing. Love and affection, not perhaps Adam, and not knowing how to react around his little princess as she becomes 13 and 16 years old and is blossoming into Womanhood. And then they do you again.

8:36 Look for that or expect all men. If a man doesn't show me affection. That means he loves me because that's what my dad. Yeah. And that's, and we judge people or, you know, we say people voting I don't we kind of really hard on people about the child but the reality is that some tiles had we all did what we had to do to stay safe, whether it was no time for the blueberry and so they coping mechanism for not character flaws, they're just hoping nothing. Missing that usually work in childhood that don't work so well because to your life, you know, I used to do a lot of talks for like addiction and for the pendency. It quoted, which is component type. Say, I'm going to tell you right off. I totally did not buy into diesel, your Character defects. Like a, if you do, well, how childhood with neighing mom and daddy issues, so he judge yourself problem like, you know, but real relationships mirror saying, my comment on saying that about women to like you guys can't win because when I did work with him, What's wrong being? Even though they were open, they were looking at the partners are blue, as men, who would keep them to page, like his dad shallow, do you know?

10:03 And I think everything goes back to safety and travel. It really does. Is it possible to be an adult these days and not have experienced some level of trauma, as a child? I don't think so. I don't think so, because, you know what? Might as a trauma expert, I don't have a trauma Queen, right? Like an and at a very early age, I was sorry, but I found out now, I didn't know, death experience or two and I'm sure that for came from because I was able to look at people and of, you know, when I was growing up I don't know, I want I know it. About me, it was just an experience. Why are they hurting?

10:44 People need to be loved even more but you can do that and come from the coffee place. So it's a very picky with childhood. I think is not getting people to believes the go back and change the perception of the experiment created. The blue one thing boots are too hard to change. I knew you would judge yourself. Crazy trying to you know and some of them are fake. Both like, what were your beliefs compelling them to remember? And you wanted to know what, and one of my strongest belief is growing up. Was that life sucks, then you die? Yeah. And yeah and I didn't yeah, my my issues. Well I didn't talk to anybody but I was I oh yeah. At age 5, I began getting molested by a male neighbor. So I also learned at a young age, can't trust can't trust men.

11:35 Even even as a male I couldn't trust men. No. And that's and I'm trying to learn. And it's funny because I had to address it, even though, you know, the, my childhood I was pretty I checked out of it and then up until about four or five years ago, I don't remember. There was really not my present number. My God would probably a little things and I just have nap, don't need to know that, you know, and but out in the world, I was totally different because really confusing. Open my heart up. Totally vulnerable, totally authentic, but I always told my life, Out my life out in the world is so much different than my life at home because it felt different. He was self consistently and I felt safe with myself because when I was out in the world and I was totally vulnerable to be arm off, I could see myself in so I could trust myself and feel safe with me at home and I'm like, kind of dim my life.

12:30 I hated the part of me that out in the world at the trucks, you know. But when I was little too, do you like my stuff will do started around two and I think right before it started I was in a car accident and undiagnosed traumatic, brain injury, who's like mentions of people you know. And but right after that, when I remember the first time my dad, kiss me, it was going to die. Perkins on this is how crazy is going like, baby diaper change. And I remember I'm going down hissing it wasn't. Test, the child. And I went in my writings cannot tell, which is how I uncovered everything.

13:17 I went, like, my little girl with saying, you just ruined everything. What did you do? You just ruined everything. And, but somehow from that people at, was he angry? I really was never alone, do it? Anyone who gives me? I was angry at me for hiding me and abandonment. So, Self. And you know and so whenever women would say to me talk about our people, abandon them in. Like maybe we should look in the mirror and make sure we stay ourselves first because I found some you who warned them the child, any ritual hard. It seemed from the Army and pretty much to myself, you know, where they're being taken. And that's what we do when we hide ourselves, right? And I think I straighten question, but it is all about, it's about safety and learning how to process of yourself. Yeah, the on-site, one of the things that might really help people, I still do it every day.

14:19 Throughout the day is a remember, as a little kid, they know hand on my heart and I did something called rubber band breathing, which I would imagine there was a rubber band inside me and I would Breathe In, from my teeth, read up to me. Had holding my belly in and then I would send the breath all the way down with you. And I was just doing that I've since my look like a Reiki, most of them but as I was grieving that where I put my hand on my heart because my husband just got going so the Rope until people and he said I did that any, you know, I told guys woman without sexual abuse of senior, didn't do anything Ago. People entire that.

15:10 Really because it just reminds me of you saved yourself because it really is up to us to decide we decide if we're safe or not. Yeah, I look reality is it's not much different from other people, what was different and I'm pretty sure it's As a result of that, you know, that was scary. I will also weighed being able to go, that's just an experiment, it means nothing about who I am and, and it is very early age being to go. Wow, I wonder why when I'm saying you keeping them so uncomfortable that they can adjust coming from. What's your experience with women saying? They want men to be sensitive and then there man get sensitive.

16:05 Yeah, I mean, I've had that, you know, women. Yes, they want their men to be emotionally available but then it's a man a poem quote week. They're like, what's going on with him? I don't want someone like that. Who make up your mind, what do you want, right? And I think, again, it all goes down to Childhood because some um, how a man's you know, if a father was never emotionally available, There's a den they're going to expect their partner is. That there's something wrong with that. And I think the whole issue with childhood is it for those of us who experience in French army.

16:47 I don't know about you, but that's all we know. She's normal like that. You know people didn't come over to my house. There's only one girlfriend. I went over to her house if you kind of stay within your own bubble and when you're in that bubble, you know, nothing else, but what's in that bubble That makes sense. Yeah, yeah and so it's been an end. There's another thing that the ruling camp in which human self that means someone else whether being Nana, you must not make some going on pumping because again, it's facing her like, wow, you know, almost like asking for something that you're not healed enough yet to fully receive.

17:33 Yeah. Yeah. It's like that mirror thing, right? Like that. Everyone if something really puts with knocked out someone else, well I got to take a good look because that's what I don't like about themselves, right? You know, and and the pain I think guys have just gotten really it's really hard for you all because we may treat each other saying, but Society is going to commission for talk about it. Where thanks to you and people that I can rewrite like you guys are having an author. And I think once, Nine are within themselves who, what society says we you guys get together and then it's home to get women men together. And you know what?

18:18 I love to see is like in Peru. Does a man coming from a woman. He doesn't know what he needs and and a woman from the nail, for example, who needs of will stay it from the morning and to know her processing father. I don't want to give her a hug with nothing, just a beginner, you know, I mean like there's nothing coming from it but just a hug where someone can be held in space where there's nothing expected of them. So then is the solution that a man or woman should not be seeking a partner unless they know that they that they both parties have done the inner work.

19:07 Yeah. But that's not really right. To start the conversation. Questions I do in a relationship with what do you need to feel? Well to know that I love you. What is it? You need, there's no wrong or right answer. But then yummy say like, now if I had to do it again, I would do like, almost a contract like a prenuptial, not with the money but a prenup, right? But as soon as that word is, you can keep, I thought you don't love you. Oh, come on the reality, right?

19:51 Like a that something could attach any emotion from the questions that need to be out realizing that You know, if you are with Nano woman, they want you to sign prenups are futuristic. Protecting your assets. It doesn't set. The Y is me, you know. I think they'll the question you ask is to start asking questions have a list of questions, you know, because if you're asking someone on them and they can't answer honestly and get offended, you don't want to be with them, you know.

20:32 Yeah. So it sounds like if you Have some self-awareness to begin with your, you shouldn't be attempting to get involved with people? I know with that. Yeah, yeah. And and have a fear happen ending. Yeah. It's just Assuming, you know, women assuming that member what they need, you know, assuming over it is a good thing on any but a woman, you know. And if let's say, let's say, a guy does get emotional and to do available and she gets upset. Well, then instead of saying anything, the guy says, I want you to have some life, is what I do. What was it, what it makes me feel that, you know, because otherwise he's just gonna walk away and he's doing yes. What's in her head and heart and Hellman? Yeah, well, the things guys, tune both girls. I learned relationships that I would never do. Now is start any sentence with you, you know, this made me feel, it's no one can argue with your feeling big news and me dissolve a son and I did that all the time if put someone on Parents and neither.

21:47 So, over the years, I've heard many men say that women expect us to be mind reader's. And and and then that we can't believe what they say. Yes. And until you're almost like a grid that. Yeah. So I women say the same thing about men or is this kind of a one-sided perspective, here's the thing. Women don't really own rek'sai probe which I always ask questions, you know, if they feel safe enough answer, I've never heard them talk about stuff like that. It's the women. That for example, my kids are in school, right? Like a taco field back. I think it was bitching and complaining about everything, not just men but it was from.

22:27 It wasn't really getting to the root of the problem and I think it was because so it's so hard for women bit there. I think that's a key thing is women certainly, you know, They can't share amongst themselves. You know, then that's kind of work. I'm going to be doing kids. We have women can talk to themselves and because we do it's not fair that humans. Like I don't know about you that I can deal with anything but I need to know what I'm dealing with. That makes sense.

23:08 Yeah, very steadily kids just tell me the truth, the back and deal with whatever it is. You tell me. But if I have to test, what's going on in your head we're doing it's one thing to be resilient, but it's harder to be resilient with unknown, everything coming at you. Am I what am I reacting? If women are just kind of like ranting and they're not even being rational. Nine out of ten times, just give him a hug. No word. I think that's where and it's no fault of men and respect authority, a lot coming from a warming. The chairs of complaints doesn't really want to fix the problem. You just need to hold a space inside. It's okay.

23:56 We'll figure it out. We'll say, that's definitely true. Lose it. My son would send me so you just like yeah, I don't even know what the hell you doing. So you know I'd give me a hug but then those moments when on their rationale, it's not pneumonia. The only, it's something that five year old is still dealing with and I'm feeling scared and I'm feeling alone. Just how do you know where it's necessary? So I hadn't been friends, try it. No, I don't know how, I don't hit me if I go to hugger. I'm like, don't say any words. Just hold her. And yeah. Yeah. Men think anyone speaks to them to get them to take an action to fix something, the like oh the ER just share it to get it out of you.

24:44 You just want to be heard and went again when I was you know depressed and suicidal. I thought if anyone knew my real thoughts and feelings, they would run away. I would be alone. So I think that's kind of what it is for everyone in the area since check this out. My in a torch is secret if it was relevant in the conversation. So the past, like were probably four years. Probably, I uncovered all this the issues with the traumatic brain injury, and all that stuff, because using a computer for the first time, they all, like I had figured out ways to work with my brain, on a pen and paper world. So, the computer is hard to avoid. So I talked to him about this and I would be vulnerable and you Immediately start them and not fair. Damn word.

25:39 So for four years and like, visiting a worse. Tell me, I'm an idiot. Tell me, whatever. But that not acknowledging. And because and I knew it made them uncomfortable because where they even do them and how to help me, right? And so that's I never before the last few years, I never saw a downside vulnerability. and you know, but you would think if women would be more chose change of pace, Are there any tips you can share to improve the? We've seen like need to communicate better need to very going to be willing to be more available to be heard to be to feel safe. And how does how does someone start that with with a potential partner?

26:28 Like, do you really just go? Hi, nice to meet you. Here's my deepest darkest secret. Oh, can I tell you these horrible things? You know, maybe not first day but yeah, it s or whatever like, when everything. I'm starving. You know, mostly Implement our, we just ask like, you know, what have your previous relationship like the why did they end if you ended them? What was it? Like just act like we don't have any trip ass and dance. If you had asked me really bizarre question, people that would most people would say, would cross boundaries but most people vomit, answer them given Daddy's coming from 11 points.

27:13 Not like they're trying to get something there to from something, so yeah, I would just ask what do you reckon were compared to? What would be your perfect relationship? Ask a woman. What would be? What's your perfect guy? What do you can't stand and white? Like the I think if a man ever asked me that, you know, even the first I'd be like, okay, this time fool, you know, because that just tells me is a woman that like this is me be very clear. Cool to communicate. And if a woman's dies away from them and touchdown and won't answer welcome to like, yeah, you know, that the quicker we're willing to have the hard conversations, the the less, the less time we waste, let's find out now as opposed to years from now that we're trying to fill each other's unmet needs and the needs that aren't even realize are unmet and can't even name.

28:11 We just these traumatic beings bumping in the different walls. All the time, I know, and we know it happens a lot too is working woman like the I learn. Now, my life, just from listening to other women's stories, like of relationships are called his, like, they're everything about combines, I've been, you know, for the expect run or walk away slowly and look at the objective, but when it starts that heated, there's usually something on both parties deeper that I always say that. At when you don't need a relationship, that's when you're ready for one. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And you know, what about her aside safe from them actionable.

28:52 Things, ask questions that I make in a relationship. If you live with someone that time once a week or at the end of each day, 15 minutes kind of like to have a hardtop like Vegas. Biggest to say something she gets 10 minutes you can interrupting. What she says, doesn't leave that conversation like no repercussions and staying thing. You know, just the Gap home terrible. With him comfortable and so conversation of going, the commercialization found want to tell you one that I never understood that goes back to the trust is I used to go to the guy who was in a band right?

29:39 And they were on for all the time. He one woman that upset month to she found out his eyes, it was her husband of a woman and the guy was saying so happens all the time. It's like an unwritten law. So we'll do the same with all the women like an ordinary is if a guy says like, look, I'm going to cheat on the road means nothing. It's just part of the thing, leave it up for her to go and I deal with this with him a month but the worst thing is not known. And but yeah another thing is look at your partner's a five-year-old and that is moments. When you go That's how I look at most people including myself sometimes with Bob. You know, if my behavior is a little over one peg, what's the by your own?

30:29 It really is that inner child dysfunction showing up. And if you can own that in the moment, recognize it and not take it personally, not thinking sure it's your partner today, it really is an old wound showing up. Well, one of the things that the women Charming right there, the kids seem to be a big issue in the The women sentences eyes with their own self as well as a way. And so you know the women's day the nearby keep telling him he's not going with writing and he doesn't do their own eyes who will let me ask you a question. Someone's have told you you was throwing up at something, would you keep doing like you know and those have to take ownership like either.

31:10 The woman says that she just says, I can do it better and but can't give examples how she does it better. Then that's just a single thing. But if a woman is telling you this evening, good enough, for this isn't how I would do it, Hey to her, how would you do it? What would be your ideal and then type do to go and I do that. Yeah, but it's all about, it's it's the too complicated to try to get them. Yeah, if you feel like you're expected to read someone's mind. Like stop trying and just ask.

31:53 Yes. As I said, if you do that in the beginning of relationship, you know. How do you imagine yourself with my parents? You want to do. It's you know it's really not rocket science. It's asking but it's I think a lot of times they don't ask because we're afraid answers for them, go. So I know you weren't a typical RN. Can you tell me a little bit about your work in the trenches as you say in the judges? Yes, I worked with for the first half of my prayer for 15 years. I work in a hospital labor and delivery unit on will burn with.

32:36 They were mostly people are diverse in trauma because we the hospital was an area that was relevant. Um, and then why I left there and went to work in public health and wealth Of course, it's so silly. Are we going to home for women and you know, because of the way I dealt with my own problems when I was 16 I need to feel connected to something that somebody and I was always kind of classical type which doesn't have the real busy school, you know what I mean? Like I was like the book. I didn't have a lot of close friends and in high school, at one point, I tried to change to be like everybody else.

33:18 And that's kind of where I got seriously depressed because I don't because when I tried to change, I lost me. I lost connection with who I was and so I'm 16 I went all right like this we wouldn't have to change permanent member britt.mark because I don't really feel the pleasure of going out in the world. And I knew, I needed to be accepted for who I was and I didn't know how to go about it. So I went out and I just started driving around looking people and thinking, okay? Having fun What are the wives like what it, what I did that for a couple months but then I would stop by dr. Is people that would stop people on the streets of day? Hey, butter Name by the way my name is. What about you like stories?

34:13 You know, and that that became we're like that connection between people, it seriously and in the conversation from minutes because you felt the heart balloon and the world of humor him change with my family. So I learned to work with people as I will penalize, and the rescue. I couldn't remember what you look like, if I was looking at you deeper and you start. So when I went out to work in the There is, I think that's going to be romantic. If I didn't talk to any some white woman hanging with them, they did. I looked and is another woman he could learn something from them and they can learn from me.

34:55 And together we can, hopefully, I did high risk everything and, you know, we could get them a good outcome. When I left work, there is a quality product has been studying my patients. I'm like, what did you do need to teach courses because the patients have better life All in all my I knew quote I knew who I was doing because it was so simple, I was just kidding but that authenticity creative so things for other people to see themselves. I want you to you so you can shift perceptually only with them. Sourav Leslie.

35:38 What's the best way for people to learn more and connect with you? You know, I talked to people the best places but only website, anything that they can reach out it. Helen three.com slash Reverend locate re D lesliein2010 for part and then that are they can set up a time to talk or a not a technical Point. 05 06 1898, just tell me where you are. Sometimes, you know people like you can't do that number. The idea to wear trust my intuition, you know, I will my inner knowing decide when I'm safe from them. Yeah, thanks for.

36:30 Thanks for reaching out, to me, to begin with thanks for coming, and sharing your perspective. And thanks everyone for tuning and listening to us. Please visit real men feel that org, see the blog post for this episode? We'll have links to all the resources mentioned, Wherever you're discovering room and feel Please Subscribe follow like, do the thing you can do on the platform that you're on and if you want to explore what life could really be like for you and figure out what you really want and what's in your way book, a Clarity call with me. Visit D and E, Grant.com, talk. And until next time, be good to yourself.