Beyond Performance: Exploring Sexuality with Melanie Bonk

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What if real power came from
softness?

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Today we're talking divine
masculine energies, sexuality,

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and how men can truly bonk
better.

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Hello and welcome to Real
Manfield.

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I'm your host, author, coach and
healer, Andy Grant.

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Visit theandygrant.com to learn
more about me.

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We have conversations that most
men are not having, but that all

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men and the women who love them
can benefit from.

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My guest today is love, sex and
relationship coach Melanie Bonk.

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Melanie is dedicated to helping
you bonk better by releasing

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trauma, breaking free from
conditioning and unlocking the

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deep pleasure and connection
your body craves.

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Today is really a fantastic show
as Melanie shares insights

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around sexual expression, primal
love and getting men beyond that

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limiting box that says sex is
only performance based.

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Let's do it.
Hi and welcome to Real Men Feel

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Melanie.
Hi Andy, thank you so much for

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having me.
I I I've got to start with an

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obvious question that I imagine
you get asked all the time.

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Did you grow up with the name
Melanie Bonk?

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Nope, I'm married into the name
and I feel like I'm really doing

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it proud so.
What was it like to grow up with

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that name?
But it's going to be a brave.

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You got to really love that man
to take that last name proudly.

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Yes, and now we've got kids and
they're owning the name all the

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way as well.
Oh, awesome, awesome.

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So how did you come to this path
of helping people work on their

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primal sexuality?
Like what?

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What was your childhood like
that that made that be your

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interest?
Honestly, it was a combination

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of my mom being so pleasure
positive and kind of a rebel.

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I I got a different kind of sex
education than my friends got.

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I got really permission to
understand that pleasure is

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important and it's juicy and
delicious.

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She was really open and honest
about it.

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But then I also suffered from
divorce.

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My parents were divorced and I
was kind of in the middle of

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that turmoil.
There was no conscious

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uncoupling back in the 80s.
So I also saw the things that I

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didn't want in relationships.
I saw the things that I did

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want.
And so I was really actually

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conscious of that moving into my
sole partnership and, and really

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dedicated to creating space that
was full of sex, full of love,

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deep, deep, deep understanding
and respect for one another.

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But it took a lot of work to get
to where we are now and we went

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through a lot of healing.
So it's a combination of like

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understanding and knowing
pleasure is so yummy and juicy,

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but also understanding to get to
that juicy level if there's a

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lot of internal healing and a
lot of actually inner child

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wounds that need to get healed
on that journey.

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I've seen you describe your work
with men as helping them break

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for you from the box that
they've been trapped in.

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What does that box look like to
you today for men?

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You know that box looks like
performance based to start out

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with, so it's all about
performance.

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Am IA good lover?
What can I do with just this one

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body part, which is usually the
penis and, and really unpacking

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the fact that your body is this
connection, this portal to

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spirituality.
And with that connection, with

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that openness, you can really
men can dive into really their

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primal purpose, their divine
masculine energy and it's, it's

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really empowering.
And I, I just feel like I've

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seen so many times again, where
couples come to me and the, I

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think the stereotype is that the
woman is more insecure.

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But I feel like men are so
vulnerable or they're so afraid

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to be vulnerable really.
And that's a lot of, a lot of

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the work that we do is just
opening up and letting men be

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able to feel, letting men
actually bring their

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consciousness down into their
body out of their mind and then,

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and then opening up that heart
space.

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So it's, it's just this
beautiful, like I said, coming

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out of a box, but it's like
blooming out of a box.

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It's so it's so beautiful and
natural for men to be doing this

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work.
Can you explain how embodying

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the divine masculine is is
different from traditional

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notions of masculinity?
Oh yes, well, traditional with

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with.
You want to do traditional

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notions of masculinity first?
Like I only feel happy, angry

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and mad.
I only have sex in one

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particular way.
I am a protector and a provider

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and that's all that my value
sits.

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So when we start to unpack that
and move over to this divine

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masculine, it's this presence,
this essence that that men can

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carry.
And that really to me provides

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safe, so much safety when men
are in that open, vulnerable

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state.
And that divine masculine energy

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is is so tender, so emotional.
There are, you know, we all feel

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the same amount of emotions, but
we just sometimes don't have the

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vocabulary to label them.
So when the divine masculine is

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there, that energy, it really
for me, I know in my own

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partnership, it allows me to
surrender in a different level.

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And then I get to experience
full body orgasm wave after wave

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after wave because I can so lean
into my partner, into his divine

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masculine energy and that opens
up the portal to my body.

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So it's like this beautiful yin
Yang looping of energy and

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yumminess.
You mentioned primal purpose is.

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Is that different from divine
masculinity?

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Well, I don't know.
So I really believe that we're

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all primal creatures.
Like I love to say I'm I work in

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sexual empowerment and primal
love and that primal love, that

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primal purpose all begins with
self.

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So when you love yourself on a
primal level, that's when we can

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start to unlock the energy and
the ecstasy that our bodies are

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actually meant to design.
We're born with these holistic

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sex tools and they're available
to our bodies, but we have to

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like break free of all that
conditioning, all the stories,

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all the imprints to be able to
access that primal love and that

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primal energy that gets
activated in our bodies.

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So primal holistic tools that
every human is equipped with is

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breath work, mindfulness,
movement sounding.

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Men are very quiet, I feel like
when it comes to sounding in the

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bedroom.
And so when we allow sound to

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come out like real guttural
vibral sounds, there's so many

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layers of pleasure that that it
flows through our whole body.

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It rubs against the vagus nerve
in our throats.

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And that actually gives calming
energy throughout the whole body

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and sounding can actually uplift
the orgasm to be out of just the

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pelvic floor and all the way up
the body.

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So there is these primal levels
that we get to discover and

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unwrap like a beautiful gift
from nature.

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As a man opens to his divine
masculine energy, is it also

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important to open up to his own
feminine energy as well?

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Yeah, I believe that.
I believe that we all have both

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of these energies inside of us.
I also believe that by putting

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them in masculine and feminine
language is a way for our brain

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to is a way for our brain to,
you know, categorize things and

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make lists of things, but
they're all natural within all

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of our bodies.
Like I love to unpack divine

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masculine and divine feminine
and I love to also like honor it

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in our bodies.
So it's it's like something that

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can't be really defined, I feel
like, but also that we're using

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those words to categorize it so
we can understand it better.

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You know what I mean?
How would you?

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Yeah.
So how do you help a man open up

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and be willing to balance his
feminine and masculine energies

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without them thinking they're
giving up something, giving up

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their own strength or power?
Looking at the, I tell you what

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could come out of it.
So you have to kind of do like a

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little bit of prediction, a
little bit of like desire

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mapping as to what I, what the
goal is.

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And once we have a desire, so
like, let's say I have a desire

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to open up my divine feminine
and my divine masculine and have

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this flow through my body.
OK, what does that look like?

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So I have a desire, then I need
to really kind of get clear on

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what that vision is going to
look like.

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And with that information
downloaded in your body, you

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start moving towards that.
So I think it's a lot to do with

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A first having the desire, and
then B, getting clear on to what

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it is that the outcome might be
for you.

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You mentioned men being fearful
of their own vulnerability, at

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least to begin with.
What?

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What helps shift that
resistance?

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Again, desire, we're always
working number one with desire.

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So if someone comes to me and
they've got no desire to do this

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work, we're not going to get
very far.

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Yeah.
So it's it's really unpacking

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what it is desire you're
desiring.

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So I want to be I want to have
more connection with my partner.

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OK, that might be the fact that
we need to open up that

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vulnerability.
So to AI have a desire to have

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more connection with my partner.
And then to get there, that

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means I need to start
understanding my own emotions a

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little bit deeper, start
labeling them a little bit more.

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And so that's just bringing
consciousness to what we're

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feeling in the body.
So I'm a somatic coach.

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I'm always helping people get
into their body and out of the

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like, thinking part of the
brain.

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So once we're in the thinking
loop, then that's usually where

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judgements live.
So if I'm thinking that I'm

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feeling tender and soft right
now and that must make me less

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of a man, then there's the
judgement and the shame that

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comes in.
But when we take a deep breath

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in and we start to actually feel
what's in the body, then we're

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connected to what's authentic
for us, what we're actually

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experiencing.
To make sure everyone's on the

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same page, especially if they
haven't aren't familiar with

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some of these terms.
Could you define tantric and

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somatic healing?
Sure.

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So test.
For me, Tantra is a practice of

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bringing spirituality and
divinity into literally

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everything I do every day.
So whether that's looking out

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the window at the beautiful
trees and the blue sky and the

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sun, not only am I seeing that
environment as divine, as full

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of of God, goddess, goddess
energy, but it also means that

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I'm a part of it.
So when I look at nature and

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let's say I'm looking at a
beautiful sunset and I'm just

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breathless and I can't, it's
just so stunning.

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I take a moment, I'm like, I'm
also a part of that stunning

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nature.
My body, just as it is, without

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any changing, is just as
beautiful as that sunset and

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therefore that means my pleasure
is that same gorgeous blooming

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of that sunset and the colors.
So for me, Tantra is bringing

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spirituality into that.
Whether I'm doing the dishes and

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I'm sitting there just in a
meditative state doing the

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dishes, it's a God, goddess,
goddess type of energy.

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I am, I can be there, I can be
present.

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I can be so full of gratitude
while doing the small things

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that sometimes make us feel
miserable.

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You can, you know, we're
creating our own suffering with

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that, with when we dip out of
gratitude.

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So that's that's how I look at
Tantra, Tantra.

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And then when we apply those
principles to sex, then we get

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into neo Tantra.
And that's, that's so our

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pleasure is sacred.
Orgasm is sacred, bliss is

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sacred.
It's divine energy flowing

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through my body.
And for me, I was always looking

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for spirituality, but I clashed
against any kind of church and

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organized religion.
But when I learned the tantric

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practices and the principles
about how everything is holy, us

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talking right now is a divine
experience full of of that

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divine energy.
It was really like coming home

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to my body.
It was so radical to come home

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to my body and be like, wow, I
am a spiritual preacher.

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It's not outside of me, it's in
me.

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And then so semantic work is, is
now looking at what's in me.

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So what am I feeling in this
body?

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What are the different areas of
my body?

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Why are they holding tension?
Why are they hurting?

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And what message does it have to
me?

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Does it, is it sending me?
So oftentimes chronic illness,

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autoimmune issues, they can be
linked to very traumatic events

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in our lives.
Like we can be, our body

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literally holds the score, keeps
the score.

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It's a beautiful book.
The body keeps the score.

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So it's, it's listening to the
body and it's starting to unpack

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what the body is saying.
And then we get to befriend it.

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We get to understand it.
We get to get that wisdom from

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from what our body is carrying.
Does that make sense?

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The two, two divisions, yeah.
No and I get it, in my

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experience I was in the somatic
meant physical being really of

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the body and listening to the
bodies wisdom and messages for

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us.
As opposed to just like I've

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seen a lot of men just going
numb and like blowing my body

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gets me from place to place.
That's the extent of my

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awareness of my own body.
And I really appreciate your

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explanation of Tantra, because
I'm only familiar with tantric

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in relation to sex, so I love
your notion of bringing your

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divinity into everything that
you do.

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For for men who have never
explored either of these, what's

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a good place to start?
A good place to start is inside

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of your body.
So I'm not always got, I'm not

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always going to start there.
So also I take up all my clients

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through parts work and internal
family systems.

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So really listening to your
body, listening to the voices in

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your mind.
So the mind is so powerful and

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it's been imprinted on so many
different levels from the minute

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actually even before we're born,
from when we're in womb space.

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So when we start to it's, and
it's not discrediting the minds,

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it's understanding who's
speaking in the mind.

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So to start out, you can hear
that voice in your head, hear

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that, hear the thoughts.
It's really beautiful to start

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this practice even looking in a
mirror.

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So staring in a mirror for a
minute and try as hard as you

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can just to be looking at
yourself with loving presence,

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with that, with that divine
energy flowing through.

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And then the game is to catch
yourself.

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Catch yourself when the self
critic starts talking or catch

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yourself when you hear voices
that are disempowering.

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And you can ask yourself then,
whose voice is that?

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And when we start to label those
parts of the mind and the

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subconscious that come in and
really dictate our life, that's

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empowerment.
That's moving towards really

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owning what you want to
experience.

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We get to choose our own
reality.

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So if I am going to let the
inner critic take over and

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listen, my reality is going to
be pretty shitty because my

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00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:54,040
inner critic is a bitch.
So, so, and then you can just

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play with it too.
So I, I have fun with my inner

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critic.
She just came out the other day

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and I was looking at a video of
myself and the inner critic was

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like, mar, mar, mar, mar, mar,
look at your belly.

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And it, it took me less than 10
seconds to recognize that she

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was speaking, have fun with her
and put her back in her corner

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and then move into empowerment.
So it's a practice.

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It's just like using any new
tool or using using any new

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muscle.
So that is definitely a

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beautiful first step that
anybody can start now.

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And it's just listening and
labeling the voices in our head.

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Usually those voices try to keep
us small and safe.

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Right.
You mentioned that your mom

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really raised you valuing
pleasure and the importance of

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of that.
What role does play and pleasure

283
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have in in healing and in sex?
Huge in my opinion, like one of

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the number one number one things
for me is play.

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And you know, I am raising 4
teenage boys right now so I'm in

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this realm of allowing them and
giving them permission.

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And so one of the things I've
really instilled in them is that

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I, I call it self pleasuring
'cause I feel like masturbation

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has kind of like a little bit
negative energy around it.

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So I, I talked to the kids
about, you know, when you're

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self pleasuring, this is a time
to honor your body and this is a

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time to give yourself
nourishment, care, loving touch.

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And then I'm also realistic with
them and be like, OK, maybe on a

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Wednesday morning before school,
you don't have time for that.

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But at least once a week, I want
to encourage you and every human

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out there to meet themselves
with that love, with that

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presence, with that nourishment
and not make it such a habitual

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goal orientated practice.
So self pleasuring can be so

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playful and self pleasuring can
be whole body for every human.

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And when we give ourselves that
nourishment, then we aren't

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putting a so much pressure on
our partner.

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00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:03,080
We're connecting to that.
For me, I connect to that divine

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energy, have it flow through,
invite it to flow through my

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body.
And it can be playful.

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Put a smile on your face while
you're enjoying pleasure.

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Like it actually for me, it
increases pleasure if I'm like,

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you know, this is really good.
I'm really enjoying myself.

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00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,000
Oh wait, I'm having a lot of fun
right now.

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Put a smile on my face and then
it's like boom.

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Yeah, from you mentioned this
men being silent earlier.

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00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:31,720
Yeah, the the the men that I've
talked to can can see where

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their silence came from.
And it's at a younger age during

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self pleasure, needing to be
quiet and not like, you know,

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00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:41,280
and to be caught again because
there was that negative

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00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:44,480
connotation.
Yes, absolutely, absolutely.

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And then I I wouldn't mind even
just going back to taking men's

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00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:52,200
pleasure out-of-the-box, but
really opening up your whole

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00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:55,760
body to experiencing orgasmic
pleasure everywhere.

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Your whole body is a canvas for
orgasm and you can train any

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00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:02,240
part of your body to be
orgasmic.

321
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:06,720
Expanding.
Just the notion of it's just in

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00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,240
my penis.
It's just this orgasm that's

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00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:14,920
like, you know, felt in the
penis where it can actually

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00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:17,120
start to expand through your
whole pelvis.

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00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:20,480
It can, or men can have full
body orgasms that rise all the

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00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,640
way up to the top of their head
and all the way down to the

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00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,960
bottom of their toes.
And then it's also, I just want

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to mention we're recording this
right now on International Anal

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00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:33,080
Sex Day.
And so I would love to invite

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00:19:33,080 --> 00:19:36,920
all men to carefully,
consciously explore the power of

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00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:40,040
their prostate.
When we take that out-of-the-box

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00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:42,920
and say that it doesn't have
anything to do with your

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00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,600
sexuality.
It just happens to be where this

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00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,560
beautiful piece of anatomy is
located, and it doesn't mean

335
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:54,680
anything about your orientation.
All right, so what's the world

336
00:19:54,680 --> 00:19:57,240
governing body that declares
Anal Sex Day?

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00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:01,720
Where is that coming from?
That I have no idea, but I'm

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00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:05,360
here for it.
I didn't know if there was some

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00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,800
UN proclamation for this or what
that I missed, right?

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00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:10,480
I love that it's not even math.
It was international.

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00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,960
Yeah, then.
It then it then it must be true.

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00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:15,000
That's right.
Cool.

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00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:20,680
So so to to the opposite of
pleasure and play.

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00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:24,800
How does trauma, especially
sexual emotional trauma in

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00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:28,640
childhood, how does that impact
men's relationships and sex

346
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:33,640
lives and as an adult?
It's a direct correlation.

347
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:37,880
So when we're holding trauma in
our bodies, especially in our

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00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:41,480
children, wounds those, those
wounds in particular.

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00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:44,560
So that could be sexual abuse,
that could be neglect, that

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00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:49,840
could be any, I mean, messaging
from TV, from parents, from

351
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:55,040
religion, all of that lives in
our body and then are in our

352
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:58,320
children.
Those wounds, they get triggered

353
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:02,400
almost always in our most
intimate personal relationships.

354
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:05,780
They don't get triggered
necessarily by parents, by Co

355
00:21:05,780 --> 00:21:09,320
workers, by friends, but it's by
our romantic partners, the

356
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,400
people who we are choosing to be
the most vulnerable with.

357
00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,600
Because it's like, I'm going to
be so vulnerable.

358
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,040
I'm really going to open up
myself.

359
00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:20,880
And then there's all of a sudden
this like new wound bubbles up

360
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:22,520
because you're being that
vulnerable.

361
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:25,640
You're sharing so much.
And then if you don't have the

362
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:31,320
tools to see the wound, to
befriend it, to give it loving

363
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:34,880
presents, to learn from it, to
care for it, that's when we

364
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:39,440
start to shut down.
And then communication shuts

365
00:21:39,440 --> 00:21:42,280
down.
Intimacy shuts down, everything

366
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:45,040
starts to shut down and you're
in trauma pattern.

367
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,240
And trauma pattern is like
putting these blinders on.

368
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,840
And it's so isolating that when
you are in a trauma pattern,

369
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,840
when you're holding trauma, you
can't see outside of that

370
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:55,920
trauma.
You can't see the people that

371
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:58,720
you care about most.
You can't see their needs.

372
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,240
You can't, you know, you can't
express on this level.

373
00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:05,360
And that's where it really
effects our interpersonal

374
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,680
relationships, the places where
we want to be the most

375
00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:10,280
vulnerable and experience the
most amount of joy.

376
00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:13,520
Usually that trauma says, Nope,
you don't get that kind of joy,

377
00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:14,960
something's wrong with you.
So.

378
00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:21,880
So, Mellie, I know you've been
with with Mr. Bonk for 26 years,

379
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:22,760
right?
That's right.

380
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:29,960
So in your relationship
experience and wisdom from that,

381
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,320
is there anything you wish more
men knew?

382
00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:39,720
I'm like doing a little
flashback through time here.

383
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:48,160
I wish that men knew that if
they're in a partnership, it can

384
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:52,680
be a portal to experiencing the
highest version of yourself.

385
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:57,000
When we, when my husband and I
have healed together.

386
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:01,120
When we've gone through this
journey together, it's been of

387
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,320
course, difficult.
There's been yelling and

388
00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:06,560
screaming, there's been fights.
But once you gain these tools,

389
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:09,360
and this is usually what I take
my clients through, I take them

390
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:13,640
through three different areas so
that we we can gain the tools to

391
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:18,440
resolve conflict before it
begins to understand and hold

392
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:21,000
space.
So I teach people soulful

393
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:25,440
communication tools because as
I'm sure this conversation has

394
00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,600
been pretty in depth and open
and vulnerable people hearing

395
00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:34,480
this and witnessing our
conversation could be having a

396
00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,720
physical reaction to some of the
things I'm saying.

397
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,200
You know, like there could be,
oh, all of a sudden my heart is

398
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:42,560
racing higher or I'm feeling
that twist in my stomach.

399
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:47,720
So when we gain these tools, we
get to then move into the

400
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:52,160
emotional intelligence phase.
So that's gaining social

401
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:55,520
communication tools, moving into
emotional intelligence, and

402
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:58,040
that's really understanding and
befriending the trauma,

403
00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:01,600
understanding the wounds.
And then that creates this space

404
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,880
to rediscover what sexuality and
pleasure means.

405
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:08,360
So it's, it's like this
combination and I and that's

406
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:10,520
what the arc that our
relationship took.

407
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:13,200
So we had to really first
understand how to communicate.

408
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:18,160
Then we had to own our own
triggers, take responsibility

409
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:22,520
for our own actions, learn how
to meet each other first as

410
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:24,760
opposed to always saying I
statements.

411
00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:29,760
And then that has LED us to the
most sexual expansion where

412
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,960
we've been together 26 years and
every single time we have sex,

413
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:36,000
we're like, holy shit that that
was the best time.

414
00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:38,680
That was by far the biggest
orgasms we've ever had.

415
00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:41,200
And then the next time we're
like, no, no, it's this time.

416
00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:46,880
So is is there somewhere in your
house like you measure the the

417
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:50,120
height of your children?
Is there a orgasm meter or

418
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,120
somewhere?
There will be.

419
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:55,760
Now that's a great idea.
Right, yeah.

420
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:58,200
Then you can, you know, you can
celebrate the anniversary of

421
00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:01,280
your your prior best whenever.
All right, cool.

422
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,800
So I know when working with men,
I've seen, I've seen you talk

423
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:08,160
about helping men enter the
Kingdom in a relationship.

424
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:12,000
What does that look like in a
day-to-day practice?

425
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:17,080
Oh, that's, that's beautiful.
So that's again, it's I like to

426
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:19,920
use those words Kingdom and
queendom because we're we're so

427
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:23,440
disassociated to our own power
and to our own right to that

428
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:27,080
power and pleasure.
So when I am in living in my

429
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:30,760
queendom, when my partner is
living in my in his Kingdom, we

430
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:33,840
are using all of those tools,
the social communication, our

431
00:25:33,840 --> 00:25:38,840
emotional intelligence.
So we communicate, we we're

432
00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:42,360
owning our own behavior.
You know, there was so many

433
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:45,320
times where I would take an I
statement and make it into a me

434
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:48,200
statement.
And so like my husband could be

435
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:51,200
saying, I am feeling this and
then I would say, well, that

436
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:54,200
makes me feel, well, I'm not
holding space for him.

437
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:57,200
I'm not, I'm not actually
honoring his emotions if I'm

438
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:02,600
turning them around and using
them in in an aggressive way.

439
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:08,480
Even so, owning, owning of, I
think it's just a radical

440
00:26:08,480 --> 00:26:11,520
responsibility of our own
behavior, our own actions.

441
00:26:12,480 --> 00:26:16,040
To me is really owning that
Kingdom and queendom owning,

442
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,280
owning the power, owning the
pleasure, choosing pressure,

443
00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:21,360
choosing celebration, choosing
gratitude.

444
00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:27,120
If you were part of that
mysterious world governing body

445
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:31,360
of sex and sexuality, what's 1
misconception you would love to

446
00:26:31,360 --> 00:26:36,400
see erased forever?
Well it's the misconception and

447
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:42,160
that I actually I'm so happy to
talk about this cause men are so

448
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,720
conditioned with porn.
So I would love to get rid of

449
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:49,160
the misconception that a a penis
needs to be erect to be

450
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:51,360
pleasurable.
I think I've read something

451
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:54,160
recently where the average man
thinks that the penis the

452
00:26:54,160 --> 00:27:00,640
average penis is 10 inches long.
The average penis is flaccid is

453
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:06,280
3.6 and hard is 5 but because
all we see in porn is 1 type of

454
00:27:06,280 --> 00:27:10,480
penis and it's erect all the
time, that is creating so much

455
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:16,160
disconnection, unworthiness and
compassion for cell that I would

456
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,240
love to like swipe that all off
the board.

457
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:24,280
I would love to tell every penis
owner out there that that your

458
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:29,400
penis is not judged on it's
erection status, and in fact

459
00:27:29,400 --> 00:27:33,840
it's actually normal for penises
to ebb and flow throughout one

460
00:27:33,840 --> 00:27:37,880
sexual experience, to be riding
the waves just as they are,

461
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:41,720
similar to what women do.
We just have anatomy that looks

462
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,240
a little bit different and one's
more pronounced than the other.

463
00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:48,160
But it's so natural for the
penis to get hard and soft and

464
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,400
hard and soft and everything in
the middle and it's beautiful at

465
00:27:51,400 --> 00:27:55,800
every stage of the game.
So I would love to empower men

466
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:59,760
with that information.
I would love to give men

467
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:04,000
permission to just breathe and
have a relationship with their

468
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,520
penis.
I have a relationship with my

469
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:08,960
pussy for sure.
I talk to her, I listen to her,

470
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:12,840
I give her advice.
And when men start doing that, I

471
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:15,760
that's how I feel like they also
like step into that Kingdom.

472
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:18,720
Like you can see the physical
changes in the way they hold

473
00:28:18,720 --> 00:28:21,960
their body when you create
conversation with penis.

474
00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:26,920
And as a partner to a penis
owner, I love to say beautiful

475
00:28:26,920 --> 00:28:30,320
affirmations to my husband's
face and then I bend over and I

476
00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:33,520
say affirmations to penis and
that they're just for him.

477
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:36,560
And sometimes I talk to penis
and I'm like, I know, don't

478
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:40,040
listen to the guy upstairs.
I'm telling you that you are

479
00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:44,080
magnificent that, you know, when
we create these relationships,

480
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:47,360
we're really taking that radical
step towards empowerment.

481
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,200
And I think it's so powerful.
So that's what I would love to

482
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:53,280
change today if I could.
Awesome.

483
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:57,240
There are so many great terms
coming out of you today that

484
00:28:57,240 --> 00:29:00,000
I've never heard and I really,
you know, I want a day for penis

485
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:02,800
owners.
I want to see greeting cards and

486
00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:05,120
penis affirmations and all sorts
of things for that.

487
00:29:05,120 --> 00:29:06,800
That's.
Yes, I love that A.

488
00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:08,240
Wonderful place.
Cool.

489
00:29:10,560 --> 00:29:15,240
What does bonking better mean,
especially compared to what

490
00:29:15,240 --> 00:29:17,440
society tells us about sex and
intimacy?

491
00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:21,840
Bonking better is taking orgasm
off the table and enjoying

492
00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:26,560
pleasure just for pleasure.
Bonking better is like I said

493
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:32,120
before, owning and loving and
giving your body parts love and

494
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:35,400
deep honor right now as they are
without having to change them.

495
00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:40,360
Bonking better looks like total
permission to be wild and free

496
00:29:40,360 --> 00:29:43,240
and playful and primal in in
your experience.

497
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:45,440
I mean let's be real, I have 4
kids.

498
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:51,360
It's not wild every single time.
Well the shit is going down in

499
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:53,360
our house.
Like it is loud and wild and

500
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:56,720
crazy.
So blunting better is using all

501
00:29:56,720 --> 00:30:01,600
of those holistic tools to
experience this soulful

502
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:05,520
connection where you get to feel
the energy of your partner,

503
00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:08,480
where the hearts are open, the
heart chakra is open and you're

504
00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:12,840
exchanging not only contact with
maybe your genitals, but also

505
00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:15,440
like your hearts are expressing
and communicating with each

506
00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:18,040
other.
Your mind is in this judgement

507
00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:22,000
free zone and just shame is so
far away it's off the map.

508
00:30:22,920 --> 00:30:26,240
Talking better looks like
understanding that there is no

509
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:28,960
wrong way to do it.
There's no wrong body part.

510
00:30:28,960 --> 00:30:33,040
It's it's really just allowing
your body to paint with this

511
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,640
canvas of your body and just get
crazy with the pleasure.

512
00:30:36,640 --> 00:30:41,440
Paint all over with pleasure.
Awesome Melanie, what's the best

513
00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:44,000
way for people to to find out
more about you and connect with

514
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:47,240
you?
My website is Melanie bonk.com

515
00:30:47,240 --> 00:30:51,920
and if you go visit my site, you
can a sign up for my love notes.

516
00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:54,880
I send out one really juicy
detailed love note every month

517
00:30:54,880 --> 00:30:57,440
that has to do with my personal
life, our own journey as a

518
00:30:57,440 --> 00:31:01,400
couple.
And then I also driven tools and

519
00:31:01,400 --> 00:31:02,920
practices to use throughout the
month.

520
00:31:03,320 --> 00:31:06,600
And if you visit my website and
you go to the freebies tab,

521
00:31:06,600 --> 00:31:10,840
there are freebies for all
bodies, including a few

522
00:31:10,840 --> 00:31:13,680
practices.
For men, there's a empowering

523
00:31:13,680 --> 00:31:16,760
testicle massage that only takes
about two minutes a day.

524
00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:20,680
But when you actually massage
your testicles, you're naturally

525
00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:23,760
increasing libido, you're
increasing your own vitality,

526
00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:25,640
and you're naturally increasing
testosterone.

527
00:31:26,880 --> 00:31:30,360
There's also a men's practice.
It's called a pre pillar

528
00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:31,280
practice.
I love it.

529
00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:34,600
It's connecting the brain, the
heart, and the penis.

530
00:31:35,280 --> 00:31:38,160
And when all three of those are
connected and breathing using

531
00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:41,880
breath and mindfulness and
allowing that flow, that's a

532
00:31:41,880 --> 00:31:45,880
really beautiful way to open up
your body into some of those

533
00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:48,560
divine practices like we
mentioned earlier in the

534
00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:50,800
podcast.
So there's a lot of resources at

535
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:53,840
the website for you, for
everybody, no?

536
00:31:55,160 --> 00:31:58,240
I I, I love this conversation.
I, I love your energy there.

537
00:31:58,400 --> 00:32:01,720
You've had so many insights and
terms that they're like I, I,

538
00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:05,760
I'm particularly excited when I
host a show that I keep learning

539
00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:09,680
things from.
And for as a penis owner, I'm

540
00:32:09,680 --> 00:32:12,240
glad to learn that they're
empowering testicle massages.

541
00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:16,680
And so thanks for everything
that you're creating and sharing

542
00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,680
with the world.
Again, I love your vibrancy,

543
00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:22,480
your openness, and thanks for
joining us.

544
00:32:23,080 --> 00:32:24,960
Yes, thank you so much.
I love that you have been

545
00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:27,760
creating a space and community
for these conversations.

546
00:32:27,760 --> 00:32:29,880
So thank you, Andy.
Thanks for joining us,

547
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:32,160
everybody.
Please visit realmenfeel.org.

548
00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:33,880
See the blog post for this
episode, which have all the

549
00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:35,400
various links and resources
discussed.

550
00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:38,120
Wherever you're discovering Real
Men Feel, please subscribe,

551
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:41,320
follow, give a like, share this
with somebody, post a review or

552
00:32:41,320 --> 00:32:43,360
a comment.
You can always reach out to me

553
00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:47,960
at realmenfeel@gmail.com.
And until next time, be good to

554
00:32:47,960 --> 00:32:48,400
yourself.