Permission to Feel: Grief, Shame, and Self-Discovery

One morning, I found myself mindlessly eating dessert straight from the fridge. Caught up in this moment, a pivotal question arose: “What am I trying not to feel?” This seemingly ordinary start to my day turned into a significant exploration of my emotions. My friend Steve’s recent passing brought unrecognized feelings to the surface that morning. Supporting Steve through a 10-month battle with cancer, I reflected on memories and doubts that haunted me, questioning if I did enough for him. Although I knew logically that I hadn’t failed him, I grappled with these feelings emotionally.

Standing at my refrigerator, spoon in hand, I realized that my eating habits masked a deeper emotional response. A question echoed within me, “Am I going to stand here until I feel sick and ashamed?” The word “ashamed” struck me, prompting me to examine my avoidance tactics more deeply. What emerged was a realization of my guilt and grief over Steve’s death, and the underlying fear that I could have done more for him.

Instead of wallowing in misplaced self-blame, I turned to my journal to process these emotions. Writing became a conduit for my thoughts, allowing me to cry, acknowledge shame, and ultimately find some clarity. As spontaneous as it sounds, I decided to record myself expressing these raw emotions. This decision stemmed from a deeply ingrained desire: to demonstrate that grieving is not only normal but necessary.

By sharing a heartfelt video, I wanted to normalize grief, particularly for men. Denying emotions often leads to destructive patterns. Experiencing these feelings allows for healing and growth. Many of you reached out after watching the video with messages of support, and I am immensely grateful.

The journey doesn’t end here. As I process Steve’s death, moments of sadness continue to arise, reminding me that it’s okay not to have everything figured out. I encouraged everyone to permit themselves to experience their emotions, turning to friends, journaling, or moments of introspection as needed. Facing these feelings showed me that a moment of reflection can prevent a day of self-criticism.

I’ve learned to appreciate the ebb and flow of emotions. The joy of a memory, the sorrow of a loss, each playing its part in life's greater tapestry. I invite you, dear reader, to consider: “What feelings have I been ignoring?” Addressing these emotions, rather than pushing them aside, can lead to personal growth and healing.

If you’re seeking more connection or honest conversations, I welcome you to join our group at Real Men Feel. It’s a space that encourages authentic connections and openness about what’s happening in our lives.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me. Remember, acknowledging your emotions is not a sign of weakness but of strength and courage. 

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