Did You Betray Your Partner? | Recovering From Betrayal Part 1

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Hello and welcome to real men.
Feel I'm your host, Andy Grant.

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I'm a foster coach and healer
and you can learn more about me

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at the Andy grant.com.
Real men, feel exists to remind

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men that they're human beings.
And they have the right to

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express and experience all of
their emotions we have

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conversations that most men are
not having, but that all men can

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benefit from now since men are
human, they can make mistakes

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one aspect of life, where
mistakes happen is in our

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relationships and since so many
studies show that the strongest

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diction of happiness and
Longevity is the strength of our

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relationships.
Well, betraying a partner is a

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significant issue.
Google tells me that nearly half

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of individuals in monogamous
relationships admit to having an

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affair and close to 25 percent
of marriages stay together.

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After an incidence of cheating.
My guest today, Vanessa Cardenas

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is a trusted advisor, Pro
betrayal and transformation.

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Vanessa is a highly experienced
c-suite Executives.

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Mentor coach and speaker with a
degree in industrial psychology.

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She is also the founder.
Under and CEO of understanding

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ear LLC, where she empowers
individuals and groups to heal

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from betrayal amplify, their
authenticity, and find love, and

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happiness on their terms,
welcome to real men.

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Feel Vanessa now.
Thank you so much, Andy.

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Mmm, you do such good work.
I love the premise of this very

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much, so because men absolutely
need to communicate, and

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especially, after betrayal,
very, very much so.

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So, we've got a lot to talk.
Talk about.

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Can't wait, let's jump in.
Yeah so let's do that in.

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You'll work what constitutes
betrayal.

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That's a very good question and
that leads us to a relationship.

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What exactly is a relationship.
So for purposes of today, we're

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going to talk about men,
betraying their spouse and when

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we're talking generalizations,
I'm referring to the wife.

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I'm referring to a relationship.
That is a Long duration of time

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years, maybe even decades.
So I want to make sure that that

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generalization is there and that
the man has cheated.

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Now there are three different
kinds of aspects of that that

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can be physical.
That's like penetration.

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That's exchanging bodily.
Fluids kissing hugging, you

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know, sex anal.
Blowjobs anything, you name it,

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anything physical, a physical
other person.

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Other than your wife.
Wife.

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Yeah, that's cheating.
The second is emotional and this

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is where there's a gray line
that a lot of men have a trouble

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with because they do have female
friends, they have female

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co-workers, but if they're
sharing details that they're not

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sharing with their wife, but
they're sharing it with another

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female and it's kind of sneaky
Lee being done and it's texting

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at night and it's kind of hiding
the the Ship with this other

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person from your wife.
Yeah, that's cheating too.

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And then there's cyber cheating
and that's a whole new one that

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has come into play in the last
two decades.

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Actually with the, you know,
with the internet.

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Absolutely only fans exploded
during covid lockdown.

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So did PornHub.
Now, you know, again, everybody

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is different, everybody's
relationship is different.

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So some relationships might
Benefit from that type of

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activity.
That spices things up and they

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watch it together and I get
ideas.

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Everything else that's
absolutely fine.

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There is no judgment on that,
but if one party is doing it and

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the other party doesn't know
about it.

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Yeah, that's cheating.
So those are the definitions

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that I play under that.
I treat under those three

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categories.
So for today, I just want Make

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sure that we're focusing on the
right type of group is its men

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who have betrayed their spouses
but want to stay together.

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That's the key if you want to
stay together if you're looking

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to separate and then the glue is
really, really tight.

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And your wife is hanging on for
dear life, but you want out.

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That's a whole different
conversation for today's

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purpose.
We're going to talk about, you

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betrayed.
Yeah, did something you want to

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stay together.
Other and she knows about it.

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So, that's key things must be
out in the open for healing to

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happen.
Things have to be out in the

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open, to begin.
Correct.

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Absolutely.
And I had not considered cyber

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cheating, I've done shows on on
porn addiction and such.

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But again, that that never meant
cheating in my mind, but I can

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see if if there's the, the only
fans account that you spend all

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your time and all your money
going to this one individual

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online.
Oh yeah, I get like I can I can

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see that now.
It's very, very difficult.

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And it's challenging because,
you know, when you get married,

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you know, if you got married 30
years ago, you didn't have this

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conversation about.
Hey, you know, if 30 years from

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now you have an only fans
account and you're, you know,

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communicating with a woman.
Yeah, I'm not going to like

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that.
There's going to be a problem

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with that.
So, you know, you know

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husband's, excuse of.
Well, you never said, I couldn't

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wait a second.
When we got married, that wasn't

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part of the vows, because we
didn't even know about that.

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So, we're talking about
communication, right?

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And we're focusing on on men who
cheat on their spouse.

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But any time I talk about this,
there's always someone out there

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that, but, but women do it too.
So, absolutely, absolutely.

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And we're going to talk about
that in part 2.

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Yeah.
Shy of part to our men and women

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equally likely to cheat.
And there's some interesting

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statistics about that very much.
So I'm not going to quote them.

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Exactly.
So I'm going to keep them in

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generalizations when men cheat,
okay with another woman.

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Okay?
It's usually about 25% that that

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other woman both parties.
No meaning that the husband

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cheats with another woman that
the wife knows, 25% of the time,

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okay?
Men women on the other hand when

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they cheat, it's over 50% That
they cheat with somebody that

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they both know, which means men,
there are other men in your life

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that are looking at your wife.
So do keep that in mind, is it

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equal?
It's getting there in terms of,

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you know, women cheating and men
cheating.

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It used to be primarily men, but
now women are starting to tick

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up as well, but for the tits to
deliver them, for the sake of

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this conversation, and your
audience were just going to talk

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about out the men who cheated on
their spouse, their spouse knows

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about it and they want to
reconcile, they want to stay

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together so those are the
parameters in the guidelines.

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When you initially began your
work, you worked with women

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exclusively, right?
Yes, yes.

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I worked with women exclusively
because I'm a woman, I knew how

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it felt to be betrayed.
And all of my studying went

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towards how to heal from a
woman's perspective.

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But I started to find that a lot
of the women that I was working

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with were suddenly asking me hey
can you talk to my husband?

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Can you explain this to my
husband?

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He's having a hard time
understanding.

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Why?
I'm feeling the way I'm feeling.

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Why can't I just let it go?
Why can't I just you know, just

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accept it and you know you know,
move past it and lets, you know,

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I told you let's go, let's move
on.

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You know, we don't have to talk
about it anymore and men want to

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get as far away from it as
possible.

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Meanwhile.
Living in it.

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The pain, their body has become
the coffin for all of this

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emotion that they're going
through in essence.

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The man has transferred, the
pain, the suffering, everything

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that he was feeling that led him
and we'll talk about that in a

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second, led him to the cheating.
He's now, unburdened and he's

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like a okay.
Now I told my wife, you know yes

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she cried and this and that and
bubble but now we're over it and

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you'll be able to move past what
the fuck.

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So a lot of the women that I
He's dealing with were saying,

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hey, you know, could you talk to
my husband?

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Could you talk to my boyfriend?
Could you kind of explain this?

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And I realized that, that was an
entire different segments where

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I could help, men understand
what their wives were going

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through, what they were feeling,
why they were feeling it, why

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they were so irrational about
it, and give them a different

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perspective to look at.
And it was very empowering and

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both and instances because a man
was a So to speak to a woman,

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me, intimate details.
But his wife knew he was talking

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to me in a situation, so it was
very, very interesting, very

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much.
So does it matter?

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Why a man cheats like are there
some circumstances that that

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make rebuilding the trust easier
than others?

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No, the short answer of it is
no.

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The long answer is that you know
the woman wants to know why why

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What, you know, specially if
they're blindsided, you know,

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we're going to take the case of
me, for example, because I'm my

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best clients.
I know me inside and out.

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So, I had been married for
decades.

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I met my husband when I was 12,
we dated, you know, when we were

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14 15, 16 years old.
We fell.

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Madly deeply in love very much.
So.

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Oh my goodness, the world
revolve just around the two of

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us and it was wonderful and then
he screwed up and we broke up

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because we were immature and
did.

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Know, any better?
And I had all these high

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expectations and he was like,
yeah, okay, I screwed up.

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I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to do you want

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someone at and blah, blah, blah,
and this and that, and he

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pursued me for eight years,
every single year on certain

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dates and Christmas and my
birthday and he would reach out,

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and he pursued me very, very
heavily.

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I was dating somebody for a
quite a long time at the time

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and we started having Rocky
situation and my, you know, my

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best friend because he was my
friend, And swooped in and, you

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know, saved me and nine weeks
later we were married and it was

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Madly Deeply fully, you know,
and we jumped right in.

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Yeah, we had hardships, every
every young couple has hardships

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without a doubt, you know?
But eight years later.

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My son was born.
Three years after that.

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My daughter was born and I had
the happy life that I wanted II

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grew up.
You know when I was 16 I was

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homeless.
So I just had Many challenges

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throughout life.
And now here I was, I was

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married, I was in love, I had
two children.

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I had the house.
I had the car had the career.

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I was set.
I was golden, he was golden, you

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know, and we just enjoyed each
other's company and everything

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was perfect and one day we're
walking through Central Park and

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my husband says, hey, let's sit
down for a second and we sit

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down on a park bench.
Like we had always done and he,

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you know, I'm looking around,
you know, I'm into my own little

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world.
World and he says, there's

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something I need to tell you and
I'm like okay you know I turn

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and look at him and he goes I've
met someone.

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What, you know, like my whole
world shattered in an instant

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time, spit up and it's slowed
down to a crawl.

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And one of the things that I had
done at that moment in time as I

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look down at my feet, I don't
know what it is about my feet

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and the ground.
And I realized I was wearing a

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pair of Doc Martin Boots.
And I put my feet flat on the

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ground because they were in
front of me.

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I put them flat on the ground so
I could feel the Earth because

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the whole world Shaking for me
and my world fell apart.

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It just did.
And I was completely shattered,

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completely shattered.
I was completely blindsided.

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There were no, at that moment in
time there was no indications.

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There was no, you know,
excessive arguing there was no

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distance there were there was
nothing, nothing that I could

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see.
But obviously, there was

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something going on and I just
didn't see it.

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I had my rose-colored glasses on
because I had my perfect life.

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Hmm.
Yeah, so from my perspective I

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struggled with the biggest
question of all.

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Why?
And that was the question that I

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immediately asked.
And that was the hardest

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question for my husband to
answer.

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And that's usually the hardest
question for men to answer and

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initially you know, because the
woman has reacted so strongly,

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what do men do?
They Turtle they go inward.

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00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:15,100
They see a side of their wife
that they've never seen before.

226
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:20,100
They see a rage like they've
never experienced the fact that

227
00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:24,400
her skin doesn't turn green and
she rips out of her clothing is

228
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:27,700
amazing because that's what he
feels like.

229
00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:33,600
The rage just comes over and the
biggest question always is why

230
00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:36,800
and men really struggle to
explain.

231
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:39,500
Lane why and there are a variety
of reasons.

232
00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:41,000
There's lots and lots and lots
of reasons.

233
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:44,500
I'm going to give you seven.
The first is that the initial

234
00:13:44,500 --> 00:13:49,400
intoxication has faded.
You remember that?

235
00:13:49,400 --> 00:13:52,600
When you first met your wife you
saw her across the room or you

236
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:57,200
saw her in band class than my
example and you just you

237
00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:01,600
connected you you imprinted you
you you just felt that

238
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:05,600
lectricity and you were like, oh
my God, I cannot be away from

239
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:09,400
this, this woman.
And that just intoxication of

240
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:13,300
love and just the whole rest of
the planet disappeared, they

241
00:14:13,300 --> 00:14:16,100
didn't even exist.
And suddenly over time that

242
00:14:16,100 --> 00:14:19,300
Fades and some men want to
recapture that.

243
00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:23,000
They want to feel that all over
again women do too.

244
00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:27,300
It's not exclusive then of
course there's the ego and the

245
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:32,400
insecurity you know as men get
older their bodies change their

246
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:37,100
hairline changes things change
about them and again Society All

247
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:39,300
of these variety of pressures on
men.

248
00:14:39,500 --> 00:14:41,600
You know, you see the
commercials and, you know, you

249
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,000
want to grow your hair and you
want to get muscles.

250
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,000
And you wanted to, you know,
they beat down men.

251
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,100
Just like they do women, but
they beat down men.

252
00:14:49,300 --> 00:14:52,200
So the ego, you know, can I get
a young woman?

253
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,700
You know, is she into me?
And then, of course, you have

254
00:14:54,700 --> 00:14:58,800
your single, you know, friends
who are egging you on as well,

255
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:01,600
you know, so it feeds into your
ego.

256
00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:06,500
The other thing is we unresolved
past traumas, this especially

257
00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:08,700
happens.
Happens right around fatherhood,

258
00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:12,100
there is something about having
a pregnant wife and realizing,

259
00:15:12,100 --> 00:15:15,300
you're going to have a child
that's suddenly Sparks

260
00:15:15,300 --> 00:15:17,500
something.
Whether that's a childhood

261
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:22,800
trauma, remembering a bully
sexual assault, sexual abuse

262
00:15:22,900 --> 00:15:26,200
something going on in the
background that suddenly you

263
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:29,400
like, oh my goodness.
I'm going to have to protect

264
00:15:29,400 --> 00:15:35,400
this thing from that that which
I have not resolved.

265
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:38,600
I buried it.
Buried it so deep.

266
00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:41,700
And now it's crawling its way
up.

267
00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:46,500
So that comes into play.
Then there's also the lack of

268
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:50,400
male Social Circles where you
come into play, Andy.

269
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:55,500
It's that not feeling alone.
And now, especially for a man

270
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:59,700
who grew up with a single mother
with sisters with ants, you

271
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:03,300
know, and didn't have that male
figure around them or the

272
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:04,900
brother.
The Big Brother of the little

273
00:16:04,900 --> 00:16:08,900
brother to take care of or the
Teacher that like molded them or

274
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:12,900
the mentor or something.
And especially if it ties into

275
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:17,200
that sexual component of a
childhood abuse situation.

276
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:21,400
Then it compounds the issue.
And then of course there's

277
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:25,300
unrealistic expectations and
that's where only fans and, you

278
00:16:25,308 --> 00:16:27,900
know, PornHub coming to play all
over again.

279
00:16:28,300 --> 00:16:31,400
You know, if you ask teenagers,
okay?

280
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:34,500
And if you can get them to kind
of open up to you and get

281
00:16:34,500 --> 00:16:36,400
permission from their parents
and all that other kind of

282
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,700
stuff.
But if you can get teenagers to

283
00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:44,700
talk about sex, you'll find out
some very interesting things.

284
00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:47,800
And and some of the interesting
things I'll share with you and

285
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:52,300
your audience.
But if you ask a young man who

286
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:57,300
has watched pornography, he
seems to think that choking out

287
00:16:57,300 --> 00:17:02,200
his girlfriend.
She likes that and girls not

288
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:05,200
immune to it either.
If girls are watching porn and

289
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:08,700
they see this, they think Are
supposed to like getting choked

290
00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:10,900
out.
I can tell you this most women,

291
00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:13,300
I've talked to don't like
getting choked out.

292
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:15,300
Now.
Again, what you do in your own

293
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:20,099
bedroom between consenting
adults is wonderful and great

294
00:17:20,099 --> 00:17:24,099
and I encourage that there's no
judgment but if you talk to our

295
00:17:24,099 --> 00:17:29,200
younger generation are 16, 17
year-olds where a young man who

296
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:33,300
has not had sex before, but has
been watching porn thinks that a

297
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:37,700
girl will like getting choked
out and the first sexual He has,

298
00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:40,800
he chokes out his girlfriend.
Yeah, there's going to be an

299
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:44,200
issue.
So, there are these unrealistic

300
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,300
expectations that come into
play.

301
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:48,900
Especially if you've been
watching a lot of porn, you

302
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:51,000
think.
Ooh, my wife might like that my

303
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,400
wife, my wife might like that.
Mmm.

304
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:56,300
Got to kind of be really, really
careful with that.

305
00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:59,800
The other thing is
self-sabotage, and now that

306
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:03,300
comes into play, especially if
you have a high pressure job or

307
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:06,900
just a pressure to job, you have
a new boss who's, you know, Half

308
00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:10,200
your age and you got all this
stress and all this stuff going

309
00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:13,700
on and then suddenly a woman is
paying attention to you, whether

310
00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:16,300
that's the hairdresser who's
Cuttin your hair and you

311
00:18:16,300 --> 00:18:20,700
suddenly feel those massaging
fingers and she leans over you.

312
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,200
And you know, you see her
cleavage and this and that you

313
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:25,800
wonder.
Hey, hi.

314
00:18:26,300 --> 00:18:29,100
How you doing?
You know, type of thing so that

315
00:18:29,100 --> 00:18:32,400
kind of comes into play as well.
And then, of course, there's

316
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:34,900
fear.
There's fear of change.

317
00:18:35,700 --> 00:18:37,400
And then there's fear of, no
change.

318
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:39,300
Oh my gosh.
This is what my life is going to

319
00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:43,700
be like, day in and day out.
Yeah, that gets kind of scary.

320
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:47,400
So that's the multitude of
reasons why.

321
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:51,100
What's hard for a woman?
Is that a woman?

322
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:54,600
Will immediately blame herself?
She'll think that there's

323
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,300
something wrong with her.
I wasn't pretty enough.

324
00:18:57,300 --> 00:18:59,600
I wasn't sexy enough, I've
gained weight, I've done this,

325
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:02,900
I've done that and some men will
feed into that.

326
00:19:03,100 --> 00:19:06,900
Well, if you gave me more, I
wouldn't have to look elsewhere.

327
00:19:07,000 --> 00:19:09,800
Hmm, no, that doesn't fly.
It just doesn't fly.

328
00:19:10,100 --> 00:19:13,700
If you want more, you have to
communicate with your wife, you

329
00:19:13,700 --> 00:19:16,600
have to have a conversation.
You have to sit her down and

330
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:22,900
have a serious Conversation,
most of my clients will agree

331
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:27,400
that they'd rather have a
conversation before betrayal.

332
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,600
Then after betrayal the
conversation, and it's a

333
00:19:31,608 --> 00:19:34,000
difficult conversation, I'm not
saying that it's easy, of

334
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,900
course, it's not easy.
If it was easy, we would be

335
00:19:35,900 --> 00:19:38,100
having them and you and I
wouldn't be talking about

336
00:19:38,100 --> 00:19:41,800
betrayal, but we need to have
that difficult conversation

337
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:47,900
before and say, Hey listen, I'm
feeling we go back to men, feel,

338
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:54,200
I'm feeling X y&z.
I need a b and c.

339
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:58,000
What do you think?
So, any main experience, these

340
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:02,000
any of these Reese's reasons.
If he's brave enough and and

341
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,300
aware enough he can feel it
shared have a difficult

342
00:20:04,300 --> 00:20:06,400
conversation.
Experiencing, any of these

343
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,600
doesn't mean you are destined
for betrayal.

344
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,300
No, no.
You're not destined for betrayal

345
00:20:11,300 --> 00:20:14,600
but these are the common reasons
why it happens.

346
00:20:14,700 --> 00:20:16,700
There are a lot more.
But you know, for the sake of

347
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:19,000
this conversation will keep it
to those seven.

348
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:23,200
Those are the seven most popular
ones but they're not exclusive.

349
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,000
There are.
Lots of reasons.

350
00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:28,400
Why betrayal happens.
You mentioned women commonly

351
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:33,400
Taking the blame or giving them.
So, yeah, been some so does

352
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:38,100
blame or responsibility does, is
it up to both parties or judge?

353
00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:40,600
The man need to go.
This was my fault like, where

354
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:43,300
does that show up in terms of
healing, yet?

355
00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:46,600
In terms of healing, let's talk
about repairing, okay, because

356
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:48,900
you need to repair it first
before, you can heal.

357
00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:52,100
It kind of need to stitch it up
and then it starts to heal.

358
00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:55,600
So, in terms of repairing, the
first thing, the very first

359
00:20:55,600 --> 00:21:00,200
thing to do, after you have come
clean Okay, whether you've come

360
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:04,200
clean on your own, which is a
higher percentage that men come

361
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:08,100
clean on their own or they've
been discovered.

362
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:12,800
Okay, coming clean on your own.
You have legs to stand on

363
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:16,100
because you can communicate with
your wife.

364
00:21:16,300 --> 00:21:21,200
I told you I came to you, I want
to fix this.

365
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:26,900
I can't fix it alone.
I need you to help me fix this.

366
00:21:27,100 --> 00:21:30,100
So, the very first thing is, Is
to apologize.

367
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,400
An apology.
Does not have the word but in

368
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:39,200
it, it's a full-fledged apology.
I screwed up.

369
00:21:39,300 --> 00:21:41,500
I fucked up.
I did something terrible.

370
00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:44,900
I've done something terrible to
you, okay?

371
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:49,500
But it wasn't about you, that's
the key.

372
00:21:49,500 --> 00:21:55,700
It's not about your wife and she
needs to hear that over and over

373
00:21:55,700 --> 00:21:58,100
and over again like a broken
record.

374
00:21:58,700 --> 00:22:04,000
Because right, after discovery
of betrayal, she hears like the

375
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,700
peanuts adults.
Wahwah, that's all.

376
00:22:07,700 --> 00:22:10,900
She here's why.
Because the nasty chick is on

377
00:22:10,900 --> 00:22:14,800
her shoulder screaming at her?
Yes.

378
00:22:14,800 --> 00:22:17,200
Seeing at the dent that the
death the death you know just

379
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:21,500
nastiness going on.
That's within her she's got that

380
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,800
you as the mail might be having
shame.

381
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:27,900
You might be having guilt you
know there's a lot of emotions

382
00:22:27,900 --> 00:22:30,600
going on.
Within you that you need to

383
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,700
articulate.
You need to get that out for the

384
00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:36,000
woman, right.
At that moment, it's going to be

385
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:39,600
really difficult because all she
sees is red.

386
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:44,700
All she sees is Rage and then
she sees sadness and they flip

387
00:22:44,700 --> 00:22:47,700
like that, they go one to the
other, to the other, to the

388
00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:51,800
other, they swing around.
She is on a never-ending roller

389
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:57,200
coaster for quite a while
because now that you've told her

390
00:22:57,300 --> 00:23:00,900
she will reap Play your entire
relationship.

391
00:23:00,900 --> 00:23:03,900
And if you have a long
relationship, that's a really

392
00:23:03,900 --> 00:23:07,900
long movie because she's looking
for signs, she's looking for

393
00:23:07,900 --> 00:23:12,600
touch points as to where she let
you down.

394
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:18,000
Don't allow her to do that.
This is your responsibility.

395
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:23,000
So, that's Point number two.
In terms of actions to take to

396
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:28,100
repair, you have to take a 100%
accountability, 100%.

397
00:23:28,100 --> 00:23:29,700
Not this.
Has 99%.

398
00:23:30,300 --> 00:23:33,300
Well, if you had done this, if
you hadn't gained weight, if you

399
00:23:33,300 --> 00:23:37,100
had, you know, dressed this way,
if you hadn't flirted with the

400
00:23:37,100 --> 00:23:42,300
waiter, whatever the
circumstances in mmm, you did

401
00:23:42,300 --> 00:23:44,400
this action.
You did it.

402
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:49,500
You take 100% of the
responsibility of it, then

403
00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:53,100
you're going to want to be
accountable, you have to be

404
00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:57,200
accountable, you have to account
for your actions, and you have

405
00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:01,700
to be completely Transparent.
She needs to feel safe.

406
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:05,700
So if by her feeling safe, she
wants trackers on your phone,

407
00:24:06,100 --> 00:24:10,400
put trackers on your phone, if
you're not doing anything wrong.

408
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:14,000
Now, you have nothing to hide.
Give it all to her.

409
00:24:14,300 --> 00:24:16,500
No problem.
You want to know where I am at

410
00:24:16,508 --> 00:24:20,900
every moment and the time, nope,
if that makes you feel safe and

411
00:24:20,900 --> 00:24:25,100
we can repair this and we can
heal from it, and we can move

412
00:24:25,100 --> 00:24:28,300
on, no problem.
But if you become tight fit,

413
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,800
Stood with that phone, she's
going to think you're up to

414
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:34,800
something.
So in that, you know, no buts in

415
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:38,100
the apology and do whatever it
takes to make, make the partner

416
00:24:38,100 --> 00:24:42,000
feel safe after the Betrayal.
Is there anything else that that

417
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,900
men really got to be a way of to
not do?

418
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:49,500
What are some common mistakes?
Common mistakes is that they

419
00:24:49,500 --> 00:24:51,200
need?
Common mistakes.

420
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,600
Are they're impatient?
They're impatient?

421
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,300
Okay, I told you everything.
All right, enough.

422
00:24:56,300 --> 00:24:57,800
Stop bringing it up.
Stop.

423
00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:59,300
Stop rubbing.
My nose in it.

424
00:24:59,300 --> 00:25:00,800
Like I'm a dog.
I get it.

425
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,800
I fucked up.
Not enough already.

426
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,900
No, no, it doesn't work that
way.

427
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,100
You're gonna be in the doghouse
for a while.

428
00:25:09,700 --> 00:25:13,300
Okay?
You don't have to live there but

429
00:25:13,300 --> 00:25:17,700
at the same token, she doesn't
need her body to be the coffin

430
00:25:17,700 --> 00:25:20,000
for the pain that you have
caused.

431
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:23,700
You have caused her pain.
When you betray her, you break

432
00:25:23,700 --> 00:25:26,800
her, you do.
You just break her into a

433
00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:29,600
million pieces.
And it's not a situation where

434
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,100
you can take a dustpan, sweep it
all up.

435
00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:36,100
Poor super glue on it and boof
she's back to the way she was.

436
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:39,300
Mmm doesn't work that way.
Chris Rock said it best, he's

437
00:25:39,300 --> 00:25:42,600
like yeah if you cheat on your
wife you do get a new woman even

438
00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:47,100
if you stay with her and now it
just is you're going to get a

439
00:25:47,100 --> 00:25:50,000
new woman.
She's never going to be the same

440
00:25:50,100 --> 00:25:53,400
because you broke her now.
Could she be better?

441
00:25:53,700 --> 00:25:55,100
Yes.
Yes.

442
00:25:55,300 --> 00:25:57,500
There is Beauty on the other
side of betrayal.

443
00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,800
Now while I do, Don't Advocate
betrayal.

444
00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:04,600
I absolutely don't very much.
I want to make sure that that is

445
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:09,000
crystal clear that I do not
Advocate betrayal but I will

446
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,500
tell you this for myself
personally.

447
00:26:11,500 --> 00:26:18,100
And for so many of my clients We
are better for the experience,

448
00:26:18,900 --> 00:26:21,800
we are better for the
experience.

449
00:26:22,300 --> 00:26:27,900
What broke off of us was the
shell of all the expectations of

450
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:32,000
everybody else?
We were everything to everyone

451
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:36,300
then it completely shattered, we
completely shattered but we

452
00:26:36,300 --> 00:26:40,500
shattered that she'll and we
stepped into our authentic.

453
00:26:40,500 --> 00:26:44,600
Self me case in point with me
personally.

454
00:26:44,900 --> 00:26:49,000
For me, my trauma response to
the Betrayal was my hair.

455
00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:52,800
I used to have hair down,
halfway down my back salt and

456
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:57,200
pepper bangs long stringy.
You know, it was my hairstyle, I

457
00:26:57,208 --> 00:26:58,600
had it for decades.
Why?

458
00:26:58,600 --> 00:27:00,800
Because I was comfortable with
it, my husband was comfortable

459
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:04,000
with it, and now it just was my
kids were comfortable with it.

460
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:08,000
Yeah, it was just me and it
identified me, well, the first

461
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,100
discovery because there's always
more than one.

462
00:27:10,400 --> 00:27:14,000
I chopped my hair off to my
shoulders, big drastic change.

463
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:16,700
I mean, my husband.
Noticed it immediately then I

464
00:27:16,700 --> 00:27:21,700
shaved off one side.
Then I shaved off the other

465
00:27:21,700 --> 00:27:24,700
side.
Oh, and now again each

466
00:27:24,700 --> 00:27:26,700
Discovery.
Something different with my

467
00:27:26,700 --> 00:27:28,500
hair.
Then I died at the brown.

468
00:27:29,100 --> 00:27:31,100
And then the last thing was the
pink.

469
00:27:31,100 --> 00:27:34,500
And why is the last thing?
The pink because the Betrayal

470
00:27:34,700 --> 00:27:40,200
completely stopped, I had no
more new discoveries and this is

471
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:44,600
years ago and now this is me and
this is actually me, this is I

472
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:49,900
love who I am.
So I am Better for the Betrayal,

473
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:54,800
and that's a hard concept and I
share that with my clients kind

474
00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:57,600
of right at the beginning.
I'm like, you know, I used to

475
00:27:57,600 --> 00:28:00,100
say I'm grateful for the
Betrayal and people were likely

476
00:28:00,100 --> 00:28:02,900
mean you're grateful and I'm
like, hmm, maybe I need to

477
00:28:02,900 --> 00:28:06,700
rephrase that.
I'm better because of the

478
00:28:06,708 --> 00:28:09,200
Betrayal.
Well, so am I encourage that

479
00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:13,400
with with my clients?
So back to men and what they can

480
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:16,100
do.
So they have to be patient.

481
00:28:16,100 --> 00:28:18,200
They absolutely have to be
patient.

482
00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:21,900
And they're going to get it.
They just are take it, you know,

483
00:28:21,900 --> 00:28:27,600
just take it just realize she's
suffering and just hold her, you

484
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:31,100
know, and when she comes at you
because she will come at you.

485
00:28:31,600 --> 00:28:34,500
I'm sorry.
I know I did this.

486
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:38,100
I fucked up.
You know, let me hold you, let

487
00:28:38,100 --> 00:28:39,900
me hold you while you cry.
It's okay.

488
00:28:40,100 --> 00:28:44,400
It wasn't about you.
It wasn't about you.

489
00:28:44,700 --> 00:28:49,000
It's about me and I fucked up
and I fucked up and Just keep

490
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:50,900
repeating it.
You're going to be a broken

491
00:28:50,900 --> 00:28:53,000
record.
Absolutely, but she needs to

492
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:56,600
hear it over and over and over
again until it sinks in.

493
00:28:56,700 --> 00:29:00,400
Because right now again her
nasty chick voices are just

494
00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:03,500
beating her down.
Every single person that has

495
00:29:03,500 --> 00:29:07,300
ever said, anything mean to her
is just in full force, they're

496
00:29:07,300 --> 00:29:09,700
just going after her.
The other thing you need to do

497
00:29:09,700 --> 00:29:12,800
is respect her boundaries.
She is going to lay down

498
00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:16,200
boundaries she's and those are
for her to feel safe.

499
00:29:16,300 --> 00:29:18,100
So she tells you you need to
sleep on the couch.

500
00:29:18,300 --> 00:29:20,100
Ouch, you need to sleep on the
couch.

501
00:29:20,100 --> 00:29:22,800
She tells you, you need to move
out for a little bit, you're

502
00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:25,400
going to need to move out for a
little bit, but you still need

503
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:28,400
to be 100% transparent.
If you want to repair the

504
00:29:28,400 --> 00:29:33,100
relationship, just be told just
because she told you to leave is

505
00:29:33,100 --> 00:29:36,200
not that you are on a break like
Rachel and Ross.

506
00:29:36,300 --> 00:29:41,100
No no no, not at all.
Got to do it if you want to

507
00:29:41,100 --> 00:29:45,600
rebuild your relationship with
the woman that you fell in love

508
00:29:45,600 --> 00:29:50,000
with and you just up yes.
You're going to need to do that.

509
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:54,900
And then the last thing, the
most important thing I cannot

510
00:29:54,900 --> 00:29:58,100
stress this enough.
This is the by far the most

511
00:29:58,100 --> 00:30:00,900
important thing.
So after apologizing, and after

512
00:30:00,900 --> 00:30:05,700
taking responsibility, and after
being 100% transparent, you need

513
00:30:05,700 --> 00:30:10,200
to communicate.
You need to To use your words.

514
00:30:10,300 --> 00:30:15,800
Because when you stop talkin,
she feels ghosted.

515
00:30:16,100 --> 00:30:20,800
She just does even if you're in
her presence, your silence

516
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:25,700
completely freaks her out.
You need to talk.

517
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:27,900
You need to continue to talk
again.

518
00:30:27,900 --> 00:30:31,400
Her nasty chick voices are
talking and talking and talking

519
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:34,000
and talking.
You need to counterbalance that

520
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:40,000
by communicating by talking.
So One of your guests had a

521
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:43,300
great quote, and I would love to
quote, quote him, David

522
00:30:43,300 --> 00:30:46,100
Richmond.
He had said that people are so

523
00:30:46,100 --> 00:30:51,000
fearful of saying the wrong
thing, why people are going

524
00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:54,400
through trauma, and the person
going through the trauma is

525
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:58,000
wondering why they're not
talking to them.

526
00:30:59,500 --> 00:31:02,400
That's key.
That's absolutely key in

527
00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:05,800
betrayal.
Your wife needs to hear from

528
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:09,400
you.
She just does you need to get

529
00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:12,800
all those feelings out.
You need to communicate with her

530
00:31:12,900 --> 00:31:16,800
so that she knows what you're
thinking, what's going on

531
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:21,500
because when you're silent,
she's thinking for you and what

532
00:31:21,500 --> 00:31:25,200
she's thinking is probably not
what you're thinking, she's

533
00:31:25,200 --> 00:31:29,100
thinking about you with it,
everybody else.

534
00:31:29,300 --> 00:31:35,600
If you need to make her number
one priority so I can see that

535
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,800
this is how our relationship can
actually be much better and I'll

536
00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:43,900
say post healing as opposed to
post betrayal because probably

537
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:46,800
some of the things that adding
to a betrayal, are a man, not

538
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,600
communicating not feeling, not
respecting boundaries, not being

539
00:31:49,600 --> 00:31:54,100
patient.
Okay, exactly very well said,

540
00:31:54,300 --> 00:31:56,900
very well said.
So communication is key between

541
00:31:56,900 --> 00:32:01,200
the the partners What is your
advice when it comes to letting

542
00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:03,700
other people know that the
Betrayal has happened that

543
00:32:03,700 --> 00:32:04,700
you're trying to work through
it?

544
00:32:04,700 --> 00:32:08,000
Is that a family?
A bigger family known issue, a

545
00:32:08,008 --> 00:32:10,400
community issue, or is it
completely private?

546
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:13,100
Really depends on your
relationship.

547
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:16,900
I'm going to put it this way.
Once you let the toothpaste out

548
00:32:16,900 --> 00:32:20,500
of the tube, it's really hard to
get it back because everybody's

549
00:32:20,500 --> 00:32:25,900
got judgment and yes was right
out of the gate, your wife is

550
00:32:25,900 --> 00:32:29,000
feeling like she needs to tell
the whole world, okay?

551
00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:31,000
I don't recommend that to my
clients.

552
00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:37,100
All of my clients, I tell them
to pause to take a moment and

553
00:32:37,100 --> 00:32:41,400
pause that is really, really
critical because once you Start

554
00:32:41,400 --> 00:32:46,000
telling people, as I said, they
have judgments and you'll feel

555
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:49,600
those judgments if you're trying
to heal, and there's nothing

556
00:32:49,600 --> 00:32:53,500
worse than going to a family
event, where everybody knows the

557
00:32:53,500 --> 00:32:56,000
man, cheated on the woman and
it's like, whoa.

558
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:59,700
Hold on a second that makes him
uncomfortable, because this

559
00:32:59,700 --> 00:33:03,600
healing process is joint, it's
the two of you.

560
00:33:03,900 --> 00:33:07,700
And in my particular case for me
we didn't tell anybody our

561
00:33:07,700 --> 00:33:10,900
children found out, of course,
because they lived with us, they

562
00:33:10,900 --> 00:33:13,900
heard Everything that was going
on, but that was it just the

563
00:33:13,900 --> 00:33:17,300
nucleus, the four of us were the
only ones that knew about it.

564
00:33:17,300 --> 00:33:21,200
Why I didn't need the Judgment
of other people out of the gate.

565
00:33:21,300 --> 00:33:24,500
Now, of course everybody knows
because of what I do.

566
00:33:24,700 --> 00:33:26,500
But, you know, people come up to
me.

567
00:33:26,600 --> 00:33:28,500
I had no idea.
I had no idea.

568
00:33:28,500 --> 00:33:31,900
I'm so sorry, you went through
that and I'm like, I'm good.

569
00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:34,100
I'm actually good.
Our marriage is good.

570
00:33:34,300 --> 00:33:38,700
You know it.
He became a better man and

571
00:33:38,700 --> 00:33:43,300
that's usually the result.
Especially if a man wants to

572
00:33:43,300 --> 00:33:46,400
stay in the relationship and fix
it.

573
00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:49,100
Why?
Because he becomes a better man,

574
00:33:49,100 --> 00:33:52,900
how does he become a better man?
He learns to communicate.

575
00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:58,900
He learns to give and receive
love in a way that he never got

576
00:33:58,900 --> 00:34:02,700
it before and that, that is
beautiful.

577
00:34:02,900 --> 00:34:07,000
Oh, it's better than that.
Intoxicating, feeling that we

578
00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:10,500
talked about initially when you
first fall in love that, there's

579
00:34:10,500 --> 00:34:13,500
that his Torkoal love.
There's that love.

580
00:34:13,500 --> 00:34:17,699
That will just be with you.
Hopefully forever.

581
00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:21,500
Yeah, I love that notion and
that, yeah, because that is the

582
00:34:21,500 --> 00:34:23,500
key.
It's the relationship can't get

583
00:34:23,500 --> 00:34:28,400
better unless the human beings
get better grow transform,

584
00:34:28,400 --> 00:34:32,400
become authentic vulnerable.
Communicate feel all the things

585
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:37,199
that make make us human and what
I find to be some of our most

586
00:34:37,199 --> 00:34:40,400
powerful skill sets, but too
many men have been told now

587
00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:43,000
that's not the case.
Is that, that maybe that girl

588
00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:46,400
can feel, but you can't now.
Yeah, now it's terrible, it's

589
00:34:46,400 --> 00:34:49,300
terrible.
What we do to men in society, in

590
00:34:49,300 --> 00:34:53,400
general now, and that we
pigeonhole them into having to

591
00:34:53,408 --> 00:34:55,900
be the providers.
I'm so grateful that.

592
00:34:55,900 --> 00:34:59,200
Now, there are so many men that
are stay-at-home father's.

593
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:04,100
It's so Noble, I love it because
my husband 20 years ago was a

594
00:35:04,100 --> 00:35:07,100
stay-at-home dad.
Now, when he was at the PTA

595
00:35:07,100 --> 00:35:10,100
meetings, with all the women and
again, back then, I had no

596
00:35:10,100 --> 00:35:11,500
worries.
Not at all.

597
00:35:11,500 --> 00:35:14,700
He was mine, he was my teddy
bear, he was mine, you know and

598
00:35:14,700 --> 00:35:17,400
we were we were happy and
everything else and you know

599
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:23,100
what not now would I kind of be
okay with that it would change?

600
00:35:23,100 --> 00:35:27,700
And again what I would do is I
would wrinkle my toes and my Doc

601
00:35:27,700 --> 00:35:32,500
Martin Boots right now and just
ground myself and and look at

602
00:35:32,500 --> 00:35:36,800
the situation for what it is.
And I remind women to do that

603
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:40,800
all the time that they have to
be present in their bodies.

604
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:45,200
Because they will, they will get
pulled back into the past.

605
00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:47,300
And be like own, the what what
about this?

606
00:35:47,300 --> 00:35:49,100
What about that?
And they go down this dark

607
00:35:49,100 --> 00:35:51,900
spiral.
That is unnecessary because it's

608
00:35:51,900 --> 00:35:54,400
only this moment and moving
forward.

609
00:35:54,800 --> 00:35:59,800
This moment moving forward.
What do you tell a man who grew

610
00:35:59,800 --> 00:36:02,700
up in that traditional, really
close, narrow scope of

611
00:36:02,700 --> 00:36:05,100
masculinity and is been always
thought?

612
00:36:05,100 --> 00:36:08,800
Let It Go, suck it up and
expects that from his wife and

613
00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:10,500
you know why can't you just get
over this and they so they

614
00:36:10,500 --> 00:36:11,800
dealing with that.
Patience.

615
00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:16,800
What can they do Moment by
moment to break through that and

616
00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:21,200
that resistance in themselves to
to open up, I think it's about

617
00:36:21,200 --> 00:36:25,400
shifting perspective and I kind
of recommend this to a lot of

618
00:36:25,400 --> 00:36:28,600
men who become my clients shift,
your perspective.

619
00:36:29,200 --> 00:36:33,600
Put yourself in your wife's
shoes and think about your

620
00:36:33,600 --> 00:36:37,600
behavior.
What you have done, how you were

621
00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:40,600
feeling?
I want you to feel what your

622
00:36:40,600 --> 00:36:44,100
wife It feels.
He'll it all the way down to

623
00:36:44,100 --> 00:36:47,600
your toes.
You don't like how it feels do

624
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:50,800
you.
You don't like being muzzled,

625
00:36:51,100 --> 00:36:54,500
you don't like that.
You have to just get over it.

626
00:36:54,900 --> 00:36:58,000
You want to be seeing you want
to be heard.

627
00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:02,000
Let's go back to that moment in
time in your childhood when you

628
00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:04,900
were stifled, what did you want
to say?

629
00:37:05,900 --> 00:37:08,400
Let's hear it.
Let's hear it now, you know

630
00:37:08,400 --> 00:37:09,200
what?
I want.

631
00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:13,700
That Tonka truck for Christmas.
And I'll say it.

632
00:37:13,700 --> 00:37:16,700
It's okay.
You can say it and now and get

633
00:37:16,700 --> 00:37:20,000
it out, allow for that to get
out.

634
00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:26,200
So if they switch perspective,
even just one degree and realize

635
00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:29,500
that feeling that comes up for
them is what's coming up for

636
00:37:29,500 --> 00:37:33,000
their wives.
That can help with the healing.

637
00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:35,900
Cool.
This has been fasting.

638
00:37:35,900 --> 00:37:38,400
I just want to let everyone know
that you will be returning.

639
00:37:38,400 --> 00:37:41,900
Vanessa and do the flip side
about this and advice for people

640
00:37:41,900 --> 00:37:45,100
that have been betrayed.
Yes, yes, because that's an

641
00:37:45,100 --> 00:37:48,800
entirely different ballgame.
It definitely is and and men

642
00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:51,400
feel it very differently than
women do.

643
00:37:52,100 --> 00:37:54,300
So we're we're definitely going
to have an interesting

644
00:37:54,300 --> 00:37:58,900
conversation about that again
from the experience that I have

645
00:37:58,900 --> 00:38:02,300
working with male clients as
well as my husband, because

646
00:38:02,300 --> 00:38:05,500
again, we're we're far removed.
Moved from the Betrayal but it's

647
00:38:05,500 --> 00:38:08,400
every single day, every single
day, he's accountable to me.

648
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:11,000
He's accountable more, so to
himself.

649
00:38:11,700 --> 00:38:15,200
And that's that's the biggest
difference.

650
00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:18,800
And and and that that's the most
important takeaway that I

651
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:22,600
definitely want everyone to get
moving forward.

652
00:38:23,300 --> 00:38:27,000
You know, you want to help her
heal without a doubt but you

653
00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:31,100
want to be a better man for her.
But more importantly for

654
00:38:31,100 --> 00:38:36,900
yourself and you can And you
will be stronger and you will be

655
00:38:36,900 --> 00:38:40,400
resistant.
And that's the most important

656
00:38:40,400 --> 00:38:44,200
thing and you will stand on your
own two feet, whether your own

657
00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:49,000
two feet happened to be in a
pair of Doc, Martin boots or

658
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:52,900
whatever you're wearing,
however, you ground yourself,

659
00:38:52,900 --> 00:38:57,300
but you stand on your own two
feet and you own what you did

660
00:38:57,500 --> 00:39:01,200
and then you move past it.
And again, what we do in life,

661
00:39:01,700 --> 00:39:04,800
echoes in eternity and he's
washing seeing it off.

662
00:39:04,900 --> 00:39:08,500
Because if that is not true, it
is not true.

663
00:39:08,700 --> 00:39:13,700
Betrayal is not a death sentence
and it is not a prison term for

664
00:39:13,900 --> 00:39:17,700
years and years and years.
No, that's provided that you

665
00:39:17,700 --> 00:39:22,000
heal properly.
If you just bury it, it's going

666
00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:25,200
to come back up.
It's going to come back up.

667
00:39:25,300 --> 00:39:29,400
So let's process it.
Correct, leaving it, surviving

668
00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:32,700
it is not healing.
It just getting forcing yourself

669
00:39:32,700 --> 00:39:35,800
through and stand together.
In and being miserable, is not

670
00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:39,600
the point working on this.
No, not at all, not at all.

671
00:39:39,700 --> 00:39:43,600
So, Vanessa, what's the best way
for people to learn more about

672
00:39:43,600 --> 00:39:44,500
all the things that you're
doing?

673
00:39:45,700 --> 00:39:48,800
All the things that I'm doing?
That's such a wonderful,

674
00:39:49,100 --> 00:39:50,800
wonderful segue.
I love it.

675
00:39:50,900 --> 00:39:52,800
I want to close with a couple of
things.

676
00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:56,700
There are a few books that I do
suggest for men out of the

677
00:39:56,700 --> 00:40:00,000
doghouse, Robert Weiss, a great
book.

678
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:02,300
This is a step-by-step
instruction, mine of course is

679
00:40:02,300 --> 00:40:05,000
dog-eared and and hi.
Lighted, because he is

680
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:10,400
brilliant, we didn't really
touch on fear but fear is very,

681
00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:15,100
very prevalent.
And again, this one is great.

682
00:40:15,200 --> 00:40:18,700
The gift of fear, this is
wonderful for both you and your

683
00:40:18,700 --> 00:40:21,600
wife, very, very important
because she has a lot of fear

684
00:40:22,000 --> 00:40:25,300
announced she's fearing the
breakdown of the relationship,

685
00:40:25,400 --> 00:40:28,200
even if you say to her, I want
to stay.

686
00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:31,400
She still fearful.
Again, that's part of the

687
00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:34,800
safety.
Then, of course, Book dealing

688
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:36,700
with the devastation of your
partner's betrayal.

689
00:40:36,700 --> 00:40:38,700
What to do when your World falls
apart?

690
00:40:38,700 --> 00:40:43,300
This is wonderful for your wife
it's a quick easy read, it'll

691
00:40:43,300 --> 00:40:47,600
definitely help her and then you
talked about talking to people

692
00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:51,400
how do we talk to other people?
And this is really important,

693
00:40:51,400 --> 00:40:54,500
especially related to your
children.

694
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:59,400
If you have children, they're
experiencing what you're going

695
00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:03,500
on and they do not have the
adult brain to process what is

696
00:41:03,500 --> 00:41:05,300
happening?
And so it's really important

697
00:41:05,300 --> 00:41:08,000
that you talk to your kids.
Then once you talk to your

698
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:11,000
children, depending on their
ages, you know, then you have to

699
00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:13,700
talk to your parents and your
in-laws because they have

700
00:41:13,700 --> 00:41:16,000
grandparents and they're going
to talk about it.

701
00:41:16,300 --> 00:41:19,900
And then that bleeds into
schools, you know, you are going

702
00:41:19,900 --> 00:41:23,300
to need to talk to your
children's teachers.

703
00:41:23,300 --> 00:41:26,000
You're going to need to explain.
We're having problems at home

704
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:28,400
and it depends on how you want
to communicate that.

705
00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:32,200
But, you know, we're concerned
that it will bleed into school.

706
00:41:32,300 --> 00:41:35,400
We want to address that as well.
And for a lot of women,

707
00:41:35,900 --> 00:41:39,500
especially if there's an affair
partner, they want to talk to

708
00:41:39,500 --> 00:41:42,100
the other woman.
So, I have a wonderful book

709
00:41:42,100 --> 00:41:44,400
dealing with the devastation of
your partner's betrayal, how to

710
00:41:44,400 --> 00:41:48,200
talk to your kids.
Your parents, your in-laws ra,

711
00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:51,600
friends and others and these
will give you conversation

712
00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:54,100
starters to kind of get you
going.

713
00:41:54,300 --> 00:41:57,600
All of that is available on my
website, as well.

714
00:41:57,600 --> 00:42:02,700
All the resources and that is,
understanding, ear understanding

715
00:42:02,700 --> 00:42:05,300
ear.com.
It comes from a Stephen King,

716
00:42:05,300 --> 00:42:07,500
quote, absolutely adore.
It.

717
00:42:07,500 --> 00:42:12,500
It is the most important things
are the hardest things to say,

718
00:42:12,900 --> 00:42:16,700
not for the want of a teller,
but for the want of an

719
00:42:16,700 --> 00:42:22,200
understanding ear.
So yes, so I have one more thing

720
00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:26,100
if I could be so bold, I am
definitely curious as to what

721
00:42:26,100 --> 00:42:28,300
was most useful for your
listeners.

722
00:42:28,700 --> 00:42:32,300
So I'm curious between part one
and part two what they have to

723
00:42:32,300 --> 00:42:33,800
say.
So please do.

724
00:42:33,900 --> 00:42:36,900
Share that with me.
So I'm excited about part two.

725
00:42:36,900 --> 00:42:43,900
And then lastly, if I have free
consultations going on, but I'm

726
00:42:43,900 --> 00:42:47,600
all booked up until September
but exclusively for your

727
00:42:47,600 --> 00:42:50,700
listeners exclusively for your
listeners.

728
00:42:50,700 --> 00:42:55,000
I've opened up my schedule so
they can log on to understanding

729
00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:59,800
ear.com in the top left corner.
It says betrayed men.

730
00:42:59,800 --> 00:43:02,300
If you click on that you'll read
a little bit of my history

731
00:43:02,300 --> 00:43:05,900
working with betrayed me.
Men, half way down the page.

732
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:09,800
There is a nice blue button
because your color is blue.

733
00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:15,800
I love it.
And it is for Real Men feel.

734
00:43:16,300 --> 00:43:19,900
And if you click on that button,
you will get your exclusive.

735
00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:24,800
I have six weeks open for any of
your listeners to come and get a

736
00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:27,800
45 minute consultation with me
completely free.

737
00:43:28,100 --> 00:43:31,300
So make sure you take advantage
of that and the last thing I

738
00:43:31,300 --> 00:43:35,600
want to leave you with is if you
don't make time If you don't

739
00:43:35,600 --> 00:43:39,800
make time for your relationship,
you'll be forced to make time

740
00:43:39,800 --> 00:43:43,400
for your loneliness.
Mmm, please remember that?

741
00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:45,300
Yeah, that's potent.
Awesome.

742
00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:47,400
Well, thanks so much for your
time.

743
00:43:47,400 --> 00:43:51,300
All the resources at your I'm
sorry you have your expertise

744
00:43:51,300 --> 00:43:53,200
but I'm glad you have your
expertise if you know what I

745
00:43:53,207 --> 00:43:55,500
mean.
Yes, yes, I agree with that

746
00:43:55,500 --> 00:43:57,900
wholeheartedly.
And as I said I'm grateful for

747
00:43:57,900 --> 00:44:00,400
it.
It it it changed the trajectory

748
00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:05,100
of my life in such a profound
way and now I get to do what I

749
00:44:05,100 --> 00:44:10,400
absolutely love.
I get to help spread love to

750
00:44:10,400 --> 00:44:17,400
mend it and to have it be so
powerful and it just rather than

751
00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:20,300
the breakdown the
collectiveness.

752
00:44:20,300 --> 00:44:22,500
It's just Mmm.
It's wonderful.

753
00:44:23,000 --> 00:44:24,800
Well, thanks everyone for tuning
in today.

754
00:44:24,800 --> 00:44:26,800
Visit real men feel that or with
the be a blog post for this

755
00:44:26,800 --> 00:44:28,000
episode.
I have links to all the

756
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:30,100
resources, all the books
mentioned, all that ways to

757
00:44:30,100 --> 00:44:32,500
reach out to Vanessa and
whatever you discovering.

758
00:44:32,500 --> 00:44:33,800
Real men field, please give us
obscure.

759
00:44:33,900 --> 00:44:36,000
Tibe, like follow a comment
share this, somebody that this

760
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:38,500
would help improve their lives
and help make them a better man.

761
00:44:38,900 --> 00:44:40,400
You can always reach out to me
at real men.

762
00:44:40,400 --> 00:44:42,800
Feel at gmail.com, always glad
to hear from you.

763
00:44:43,100 --> 00:44:45,500
And until next time, be good to
yourself.