Did Your Partner Betray You? | Recovering From Betrayal Part 2

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Hello and welcome to real men.
Feel I'm your host author coach

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and healer and e-grant, you can
visit vnd grant.com.

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For more information about me,
real men, feel exist to remind

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men at the human beings and have
the right to experience and

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express all of their emotions.
We have conversations that most

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men are not having but that all
men can benefit from men and

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women deal with emotions
differently.

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You may have to say it
discovered that but we all have

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them and any man who believes
that stuffing and denying their

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emotions are the path to
happiness and this Successful

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life.
Well, not my experience and it's

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not the experience of any man I
ever talked.

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One of the greatest emotions,
one of the greatest painful

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emotions, a man might ever
experience is one of being

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betrayed that we're going to
look at today.

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Today is part 2 of recovering,
from betrayal and we are

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focusing on men being betrayed
by women.

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My returning guest, is Vanessa
Cardenas.

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She is your trusted advisor for
portrayal and transformation.

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Vanessa is a highly experienced
c-suite Executives.

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Mentor coach and speaker with a
degree in industrial psychology.

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She's also the founder and CEO
of understanding ear where she

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empowers individuals and To heal
from betrayal amplifying their

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authenticity and how to find
love and happiness.

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On their terms.
Welcome back to real men.

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Feel Vanessa, thank you so much,
Andy.

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Oh, I can't wait to jump in and
get started.

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What you do is absolutely
amazing.

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So thank you so much for the
space because this truly is a

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needed space especially for men
to know that they have somewhere

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safe that they can just be real
and be themselves.

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So that Thank you, awesome.
Yeah.

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And that's a great thing to
point out because the title of,

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you know, I'm not saying that if
you're not a man, if you don't

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like the real and being real is,
yeah, real genuine honest being

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yourself.
I'm not saying that there's you,

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you're not a man.
If you aren't, you know, willing

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to cry in public and there's no
emotional disclaimers or

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containers that, that I believe
in, but that's it.

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So, you should a lot of valuable
information.

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Just a few weeks ago.
Episode 301, did you betray your

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partner and we focused on men
wanting to heal.

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Relationship after being
unfaithful to their partner.

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So today, we're doing the flip
side.

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So, how different is the
experience of recovering from

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betrayal?
When you are the portrayed

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party?
Yes, well, keep in mind that I

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can't speak from the male point
of view because I am not mail.

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So I am speaking on behalf of
the clients that I have worked

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with and there have been quite a
number of them.

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And initially when I started out
years ago, I really focused on

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women and it wasn't so much men.
A lot of the women would say,

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oh, you know, could you speak to
my husband?

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And that was kind of interesting
and I started to do.

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So, again, from the perspective
of the man, cheating on his

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wife, then because of what I do,
it started to kind of turn and

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it was a very interesting
Dynamic, but it was more

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underground.
Meaning if you've ever seen the

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movie Hitch with Will Smith and
Kevin James.

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Okay, hitches.
You know, this underground guy,

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that helps men, you know, date
and get women.

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And it turns out that, you know,
he works with Kevin Hart and

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Kevin Hart's woman that he's
attracted to he follows.

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Hitches advice and everything
else, and she's not really into

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them, but anytime he's himself
and he's real, that's what

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attracts her to him.
And I always found that movie

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really Really fascinating on
that level but then I also

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started finding it interesting.
On the other level of how hitch

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is kind of underground.
He gets one referral from

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another, it doesn't advertise,
he's not all over the place.

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Doesn't say, oh, you know, I'm
The Love Guru.

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You can come find me and I'll
help you find women.

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Now, it's very, very underground
and I started to feel that way

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as well that my men that I was
working with who had been

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betrayed.
Felt a lot of Shame and they

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were very quiet about it and
very reserved about it.

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Whereas women just want to
scream it from the mountaintops.

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They want to take on a little
bit of a role of victim.

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Well, men never take the role of
victim.

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No, they're Men of Steel or
their velvet, but there's still,

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you know, there and they're
firm.

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And they have all of these
limiting beliefs of how they are

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supposed to be.
And when they are betrayed There

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is a cascading situation that
starts to happen for them.

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So I want to set the parameters
kind of similar to what we did

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last time on episode 3, 0 1, but
I want to make sure that we have

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a nice clear understanding of
what we're going to do.

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You did a fantastic episode?
It was episode 149 and this is

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where you actually Andy got
really real and you got really

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vulnerable and I I thank you for
that because most men will not

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be that vulnerable.
You not only were you

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vulnerable, you let your story
out for everyone to hear for the

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whole world to hear.
And when that happened, that was

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such an amazing thing.
So, I want to touch on that

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because for the men that are
listening, if you find yourself

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in this situation, you need to
go back to 149 episode 149, and

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listen to that.
That is for Men that are in an

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emotionally abusive
relationship, it's an aggressive

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relationship.
It's maybe a secret

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relationship.
People don't know about it,

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their wounds that are inflicted
on you from your woman, whether

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that's emotional or actually
physical.

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And you start to question your
reality like, is this really

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going on?
Am I in this situation?

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And then you have such a A deep
sense of Shame and that shame

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can live with you or hears.
It can just hold on to you and

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Andy, I have to thank you so
much for being vulnerable and

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expressing that out because now
we see how you are today.

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We see that growth and that is
what provides hope for everyone

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to see that progression of move.
Forward.

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So, thank you for that.
You had another episode and that

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was episode 226.
You had a wonderful woman and

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Silvers on, and she said that
abuse.

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Okay, we're still sticking with
abuse for the moment isn't

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always just One Direction with a
man being mean, and a woman

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being victimized, and that was
very, very powerful in and of

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itself.
So, if you're a man, and you're

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finding yourself and that type
of situation where you're in an

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abusive situation, And now you
have been betrayed, you need to

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listen to those two episodes
because those two episodes will

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help you for the purposes of
today.

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We are not talking about any
type of abuse.

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We are talking about a strict
situation, where a husband and

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wife we've been married for
quite a bit of time.

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The man gets blindsided by
finding out that his wife has

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cheated on him.
She has betrayed him.

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So I'd like to bring to mind
because when I started thinking

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and we were talking about doing
part to the flip side of what we

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spoke about last time, I started
to think back to all of my mail

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clients and I actually needed to
start kind of with my first one

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because he was the most
memorable.

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His name was John, we're going
to change his name and his wife,

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my husband and I met John and
Jane at a gallery showing, okay,

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and that's where you kind of
mingle around.

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You have your wine and you're
looking at the artwork and

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everybody kind of stands and and
looks and deep contemplation and

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so forth.
Well, the woman whose Gallery

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showing this was she knew what I
did, you know, and she was so

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excited to see me.
You know, I'm kind of memorable

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with the pink hair and she rent
runs up to me and gives me

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kisses and whatnot.
And then she pulls in another

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couple and she's like, oh my
gosh, you have got to meet

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Vanessa.
And her husband, Vanessa is a

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betrayal recovery.
First, you've got to talk to

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her, she's like, amazing out
what she does.

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And she was like, so excited,
and then she darted off, leaving

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me.
And my husband would a couple.

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We have never met and they both
kind of look at us.

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And I could tell immediately
they were very uncomfortable,

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but really uncomfortable and I
was like, you know, nice to

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meet, you know this before you
know as Evelyn had introduced

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me, you know, I'm a trusted
advisor for betrayal and

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transformation and you know, and
then they both look at my

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husband almost Because that's
usually the response and he nods

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and he goes, yeah, I screwed up,
you know, but this is what she

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is.
Now, look at hers and she

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amazing, you know, type of
thing.

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So we have a good laugh about it
and whatnot.

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So the woman Jane just couldn't
wait to get away.

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Like she just could not wait to
get away from us and she's like,

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oh, I'm gonna go get a drink.
So, she moved off and I kind of

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shooed my husband away.
I'm like, you need to go as

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well.
So me and John are standing in

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front of this piece of art.
I say, Saying, he says nothing.

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And then he clears his throat.
And he says, do you work with

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men?
I said, of course.

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Okay, I'm going to need to talk
to you.

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You can find me at understanding
ear.com, that's all I said, no

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business card, no nothing, you
know, men as do women decide

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what they're going to do, you
know, in life?

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You know, here's the
information.

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If you need me, you can reach
out to me the very next day, my

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phone rings.
And it's John and he's really,

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really struggling to talk.
It's space.

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That's what we do.
We give space and I'd like to

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actually refer to wonderful.
You know, this from Eric Edmonds

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Viktor Frankl, his men's search
for meaning book.

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As you can see it's weathered.
I've read this numerous times,

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this is brilliant.
This is absolutely brilliant.

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And as Eric Edmonds said on the
ski lift up, you listen to it on

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audio and then on the way down
on your skis, you listen to Led

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Zeppelin absolutely very much.
So.

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But this book amazing and he
specifically mentions the quote

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that I love is between the
stimulus.

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And the response there is a
space there is A space and in

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that space is the power to
choose your response.

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Are we in our response lies our
growth?

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And our freedom.
That's huge.

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So here I am on the phone. 10
minutes of silence with John.

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Never once did I say are you
still there?

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Nothing of the sort.
I could hear him breathe?

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I could hear him SOB.
I could hear him breathe.

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I could hear him clear his
throat and he said why why did

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this happen to me?
I still don't know anything

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about the situation.
I don't know whether he was the

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Betrayed or the betrayer.
I don't know.

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If in fact, the trail is even a
situation I'm assuming so but I

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still don't know and we wind it
up having a for our

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conversation.
Why?

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Cuz he just needed to get it
out.

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He needed to talk to somebody
about what was going on within

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him.
It was true.

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Trapped, it was paralyzing him.
And, of course, once he got it

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all out, then all the questions,
start flooding, and the

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questions are common and they've
been common across the board.

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So why why did she cheat?
So we're going to go over the

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six.
Common want reasons why a woman

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cheats.
The first is intimacy.

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Women tend to cheat for intimacy
men tend to A cheat for sex,

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there's a difference between sex
and intimacy, okay?

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Intimacy has that vulnerability
aspect to it, it has that just

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love and just peace.
So why did she cheat?

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Number one is intimacy, lack of
intimacy.

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Number two, and this is the same
for men and women.

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They want to leave the
relationship, but they feel like

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they can't leave the
relationship.

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It's kind of similar into the
Godfather when his wife wants to

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leave and he's not letting her
go.

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So what does she do?
She aborts his son?

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She's like, I know that you will
never ever be able to forgive me

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for that.
You know, she was right.

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He took him a long time to
forgive her for that, but

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wanting out of the relationship.
That's a big one then there's

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low self-esteem.
Suddenly a man pays attention to

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00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:40,400
your wife and suddenly, she
feels that she feels that

226
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:43,700
attraction.
She feels that false sense of

227
00:13:43,700 --> 00:13:47,100
intimacy.
Then there's lack of female

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00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:49,300
support.
Yes.

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Females need support, just like
men, need support of other men.

230
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That's why team sports are so
popular.

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It's men getting together.
It's women getting together.

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Together to do Sports.
It's the camaraderie without

233
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,300
that camaraderie, without that
support.

234
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Women are lost.
Same with men, then there is an

235
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:15,600
unrealistic expectation.
Yeah, an unrealistic

236
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:19,300
expectation.
I'm sorry Disney destroyed it

237
00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:24,000
for so many couples, very much,
so the white that white horse

238
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:28,000
and the night and the chivalry
and the whole nine yards.

239
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:31,500
Yeah, that's an unrealistic
expectation.

240
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,800
So, unrealistic expectation of
relationships from day one,

241
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,600
exactly.
Exactly.

242
00:14:36,700 --> 00:14:40,200
Or as they are supposed to
evolve because sometimes women

243
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:45,600
who come from a long line, Line
of like successful marriages in

244
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:48,700
our and see their grandparents
and their parents and their

245
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:51,700
aunts and their uncles, and they
have large families and the word

246
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:54,600
like divorce is never in there,
you know, type of thing.

247
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,100
And they just have this
unrealistic expectation.

248
00:14:57,300 --> 00:15:00,300
Especially if they do have a lot
of friends, we go back to the

249
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,600
previous one that they have a
lot of friends and all our

250
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,800
friends, have these happy
marriages and everything else.

251
00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:09,000
So there's this unrealistic
expectation that they have and

252
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:14,500
then the last one is just being
lonely or Feeling neglected.

253
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:19,600
Like sometimes we just get into
complacency where it's just, you

254
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:22,600
know, husband comes home and
dinners on the table and we

255
00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:26,400
watch TV and we do this and they
got it gets routine.

256
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:31,300
And maybe for the husband, he
enjoys that he enjoys that, that

257
00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:35,500
closeness that way, for him, it
feels like closeness for her.

258
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:38,100
It feels like a rut, you know,
she wants to go out.

259
00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:40,700
She wants to be, you know, Tate
and taken out on date night.

260
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:42,800
She wants to be shown off.
You know what?

261
00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:44,000
Ever.
It might be.

262
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,900
Now, I need to make sure that
I'm very Crystal.

263
00:15:46,900 --> 00:15:49,400
Clear.
These reasons.

264
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:54,800
Why are absolutely not an
excuse, not at all.

265
00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:59,700
I do not.
Do not Advocate betraying on

266
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:02,900
your partner for any reason.
If you want out of the

267
00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:08,700
relationship, you talk to your
partner, you communicate with

268
00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:11,000
your partner.
You don't do an action that

269
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:15,200
completely destroys them.
It's completely unnecessary, it,

270
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:17,600
true.
All of these reasons resulting

271
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:21,800
to actions are an avoidance of a
difficult conversation.

272
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:25,000
Exactly.
That's exactly it.

273
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:30,300
So, what is the man feel?
Okay, and again, I can't speak

274
00:16:30,300 --> 00:16:33,900
for men because I'm not a man,
but I can speak on behalf of my

275
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:36,100
clients.
The first thing is shocked.

276
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:41,100
Like what then?
There's confusion like, what?

277
00:16:41,100 --> 00:16:43,100
What?
Huh, hmm, then, There's

278
00:16:43,100 --> 00:16:48,300
heartache then there's rage
their sadness and then there's

279
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:53,800
their territorial.
Well, was it because, as I

280
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:57,000
mentioned before, we talked
about it, previously there's a

281
00:16:57,008 --> 00:17:01,000
great website.
Its truth about deception

282
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:05,700
Foundation, truth about
discussion foundation and what

283
00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:10,000
they have done over the years is
they have compiled information.

284
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:14,700
Regarding deception regarding
infidel Leti regarding cheating,

285
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:20,599
they have 95 thousand responses.
This is great wealth of

286
00:17:20,599 --> 00:17:25,599
information, and they indicated
that 90% of the women that cheat

287
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:29,800
have an emotional connection
with whomever, they cheated,

288
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:34,800
with its emotional first, 71
percent of the men.

289
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:41,100
It's a one-night stand.
It's physical 43 percent of the

290
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:46,700
women who cheat cheat with
somebody that they both know,

291
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:52,000
whereas males, it's only 22
percent that they both know,

292
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:56,700
meaning 78% are strangers,
strangers lose white, doesn't

293
00:17:56,700 --> 00:17:58,700
know him.
Most of the time, he doesn't

294
00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:00,500
know her either, you know, type
of thing.

295
00:18:01,100 --> 00:18:05,100
But here we are.
We're a man realizes that his

296
00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:07,800
wife is cheating.
He suddenly becomes territory.

297
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,300
Toriel as well.
Like who is it?

298
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:14,600
And I want, it's not something
where it's not the similar

299
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:18,000
situation, where two guys get
into a bar fight and, you know,

300
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,300
they beat the crap out of each
other and then, you know, the

301
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:23,800
fights over and you know, he
extends his hand to lift the guy

302
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:27,600
up off the floor and you know
I'll buy you a beer now.

303
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:30,700
No, you screw my wife, I'm not
buying you a beer.

304
00:18:30,700 --> 00:18:32,000
You know, that's not going to
happen.

305
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:38,600
Becomes very, very territorial.
So it becomes so Overwhelming

306
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:43,700
for men and then they have all
of this background information.

307
00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:49,700
All these things going on behind
the scenes, their childhood

308
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:54,000
comes front-and-center, their
parents come front and center

309
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:58,600
their father becomes front and
center and suddenly it's

310
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:03,200
extremely overwhelming for them.
And they find themselves

311
00:19:03,900 --> 00:19:07,800
paralyzed, they are drowning in
quicksand.

312
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:11,900
And they either stand still and
they're still syncing or they

313
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:16,400
struggle and they're still
sinking and it becomes extremely

314
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:20,100
overwhelming.
That's kind of where I stepped

315
00:19:20,100 --> 00:19:23,900
in.
And in John's case, I worked

316
00:19:23,900 --> 00:19:29,400
with him for a long period of
time because we needed to break

317
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:33,800
down what was going on for him,
how he was actually feeling

318
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:39,800
because there were differences
between how he felt and how he

319
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:43,700
felt Society.
Thought he should feel, there's

320
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:47,200
a two different things sometimes
looks so The Times They Are, you

321
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:51,300
know, and he wanted Keep it very
quiet as did his wife.

322
00:19:51,300 --> 00:19:54,900
So that was good because you
know when a wife is cheated on,

323
00:19:54,900 --> 00:19:57,200
she wants to scream it from the
mountaintops and she wants to

324
00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:00,500
let that toothpaste out of the
tube whereas men want to keep it

325
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:06,500
very, very close to the chest.
It's more of a struggle for men

326
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:11,600
to get over it.
Because of the territorial

327
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:15,800
nastas of it.
I know they'd suddenly look at

328
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:19,100
their wife differently, I mean,
women look at their husbands

329
00:20:19,100 --> 00:20:22,900
differently as well, but the
Forgiveness aspect is a little

330
00:20:22,900 --> 00:20:31,800
different and that is a very
delicate could be slippery slope

331
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:35,800
to go through.
Is that much more men taking it

332
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:40,400
personally and kind of owning my
wife, protecting my wife and

333
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,000
yeah well I'll fight you to the
death because you did this and

334
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:48,200
correct and they do that
externally and and women kind of

335
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:51,800
like that because then they
suddenly have that Disney

336
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:55,900
Experience where you know, oh
He's Rising it, he's defending

337
00:20:55,900 --> 00:21:00,000
my honor, you know, and public
law, and this, and that women

338
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,800
can get kind of addicted to
that.

339
00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:09,300
To be like, oh, you know, kind
of thing, and they'll use that

340
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,700
because I think that that
experience can change all the

341
00:21:11,700 --> 00:21:14,900
many of the reasons you said
earlier, it's always get good.

342
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,400
If those are empty cups, they
get filled up by that experience

343
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:21,300
of being fought over and exactly
exactly.

344
00:21:21,500 --> 00:21:23,600
And we see it, we see it in all
Cinema.

345
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:26,400
Now I mean look at Game of
Thrones and you know, just

346
00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:30,000
though the um, you know, and the
men being Men of Steel, you

347
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,700
know, type of thing.
And we And of do it to

348
00:21:32,700 --> 00:21:37,600
ourselves, these stereotypes
that we pigeonhole people into

349
00:21:38,100 --> 00:21:41,600
but then we also pigeon-holed
the reactions that people are

350
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:50,200
supposed to have related to it.
So men can drop into a spiral

351
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:54,600
where it just starts to spiral
down and spiral down in spiral

352
00:21:54,600 --> 00:22:00,700
down and they really struggle
and that's that, when that

353
00:22:00,700 --> 00:22:05,500
happens.
They Turtle themselves in into

354
00:22:05,500 --> 00:22:07,900
that.
She'll it's really hard to crack

355
00:22:07,900 --> 00:22:16,600
it because then they then feel
that their manhood is affected.

356
00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:22,600
and, Women go into a situation
where they don't feel like

357
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:26,700
they're good enough.
Men don't quite have it the same

358
00:22:26,700 --> 00:22:29,700
way in that respect at least the
men that I've worked with.

359
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:33,100
It's not that they don't feel
like they're good enough to

360
00:22:33,100 --> 00:22:35,900
their wife.
They don't feel like they're

361
00:22:35,900 --> 00:22:41,700
good enough to society because
they haven't Protected Their

362
00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:43,500
woman.
They haven't even though they'd

363
00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:47,200
been the protector and the
provider and they've been, you

364
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:49,100
know, they've been the
strengthen, the pillars,

365
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,500
Strength and I have the family
and I take care of them and

366
00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:56,800
this, and that when this
situation happens, that cracks

367
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:02,300
that Persona full force.
And then, of course, other men

368
00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:05,100
aren't helpful.
If they get wind of it,

369
00:23:05,100 --> 00:23:07,500
especially at a bar or something
suddenly the, you know, men's

370
00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:09,200
are getting that are getting
ribbed for it.

371
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:10,600
Yeah.
Your wife stepped out on you and

372
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,900
all this other kind of nonsense,
so they like they really dig it

373
00:23:13,900 --> 00:23:16,600
in.
Come on said really necessary,

374
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:20,100
you know, type of thing or he
doesn't Want to say anything to

375
00:23:20,100 --> 00:23:22,500
anybody else because he doesn't
want to fight off, everybody

376
00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:27,100
else.
You know, especially if 44

377
00:23:27,100 --> 00:23:31,600
percent of the women who cheat
cheat with somebody, they both

378
00:23:31,600 --> 00:23:36,500
know, and how it really comes
down to communication, as we

379
00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:39,300
started to say, it does it just
does.

380
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:46,600
So it starts a journey of self
forgiveness, because the man has

381
00:23:46,600 --> 00:23:52,800
to forgive himself, he does
whether he forgives his wife as

382
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:53,900
a difference.
Story.

383
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:58,200
It really starts with himself.
He needs to forgive himself

384
00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:01,600
because he is going to start
going through a checklist of

385
00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:04,300
everything that he didn't do.
Right.

386
00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:08,200
Was I not enough of a provider.
Did I not get her this thing or

387
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:11,600
that thing or materialistic
thing or whatever?

388
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:15,300
The situation is?
But he's got to talk.

389
00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:20,400
He's got to ask those questions.
Is this journey of Soul?

390
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:25,300
Forgiveness, different.
If the If the wife wants the

391
00:24:25,300 --> 00:24:27,400
relationship to continue or
doesn't.

392
00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:32,900
Yes, it's absolutely.
It, it falls into two different

393
00:24:32,900 --> 00:24:37,900
categories just as you said, so
if she didn't cheat, if she

394
00:24:37,900 --> 00:24:42,300
cheated for all the variety of
reasons except for the fact that

395
00:24:42,300 --> 00:24:44,900
she wanted out of the
relationship, she made a

396
00:24:44,908 --> 00:24:46,300
mistake.
Okay.

397
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,800
Under, you know, again, I'm not
condoning it.

398
00:24:48,800 --> 00:24:51,100
I'm not saying that.
That's, that's right.

399
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:54,100
Betrayal is betrayal, it just is
Cheating is cheating.

400
00:24:54,100 --> 00:24:59,500
It's a choice that you make in
that moment of time, you can say

401
00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:03,500
no in that moment of time you
can back off and say, mmm!

402
00:25:03,500 --> 00:25:04,600
Yum yum!
No!

403
00:25:04,600 --> 00:25:07,800
No!
Hey, don't want this from a man

404
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:11,000
or woman's perspective.
You can step back.

405
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:15,400
You do have the choice, whether
you are going to cheat on your

406
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:20,100
spouse.
Now, if the man and the woman

407
00:25:20,100 --> 00:25:22,700
decide that, you know, that
wasn't the reason that she

408
00:25:22,700 --> 00:25:24,700
didn't want to.
You know, leave the relationship

409
00:25:24,700 --> 00:25:30,400
she wants to stay that journey
of self-forgiveness is layered

410
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:35,400
because now he has not only to
forgive himself for what he

411
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:37,900
feels.
Might be her his shortcomings

412
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:44,200
and it really depends on what
the why is, why did she do this?

413
00:25:44,700 --> 00:25:46,600
You know.
And if she expresses well, I'm

414
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:50,000
lonely and neglectful, you know,
we moved across the country.

415
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:51,700
I have no friends.
I have no, nothing.

416
00:25:51,900 --> 00:25:54,700
Somebody finally paid me at
Attention, you're always working

417
00:25:54,700 --> 00:25:58,600
again.
These are reasons, but they're

418
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:05,000
still not excuses, he can decide
again his choice.

419
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:10,000
He can decide whether he wants
to forgive her, but he has to

420
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:13,300
forgive himself right either
way, either way, the religions

421
00:26:13,300 --> 00:26:15,900
going man has to give himself.
For this happened, has to

422
00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:19,100
forgive himself.
He cannot internalized blame.

423
00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:23,000
He just can't.
So we go back to my wonderful,

424
00:26:23,300 --> 00:26:29,600
Viktor Frankl and he said, when
we are no longer able to change

425
00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:33,400
a situation, when we are no
longer able to change a

426
00:26:33,408 --> 00:26:38,700
situation, we are challenged to
change ourselves.

427
00:26:40,300 --> 00:26:46,400
Profound absolutely profound.
So if you cannot change the

428
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:50,200
situation that you're in, let's
say, for example, in this

429
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:54,800
particular situation, you have
children, you come from a broken

430
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:58,400
home, your parents got divorced.
You know what that feels like as

431
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:02,600
a child to have your family, go
through a divorce and now your

432
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:05,900
wife has stepped out.
You're angry.

433
00:27:05,900 --> 00:27:08,700
You're going through the all the
emotions.

434
00:27:09,100 --> 00:27:12,000
But you suddenly have that
situation in the back of your

435
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:15,900
mind, I don't want to divorce.
I do not want to put my kids

436
00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:19,300
through that.
I will do, I will challenge

437
00:27:19,300 --> 00:27:23,300
myself.
I cannot change the situation.

438
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:26,800
I feel that I need to stay
married for the benefit of my

439
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:31,300
children.
And I need to change.

440
00:27:32,500 --> 00:27:36,800
Because I've been challenged to
do so it's very very important

441
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:40,100
and it's really that journey of
self-forgiveness.

442
00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:43,900
You really have to forgive
yourself first before you can

443
00:27:43,900 --> 00:27:47,800
look out on everything else and
they really decide in that

444
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:50,600
moment of shock.
When a man first discovers that

445
00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:54,500
his partner has betrayed him.
Is there something that

446
00:27:54,500 --> 00:27:58,400
definitely should do and, and,
or shouldn't do, or is it just

447
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:02,200
unique for every situation?
It's definitely unique.

448
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:05,700
Research equation.
I always encourage all of my

449
00:28:05,700 --> 00:28:13,000
clients, regardless of gender.
To pause to pause to breathe to

450
00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:19,000
give themselves space to give
themselves time do not make any

451
00:28:19,100 --> 00:28:22,000
decisions, no decisions
whatsoever, don't make a

452
00:28:22,008 --> 00:28:27,900
decision, one way or the other
way you are too emotional or

453
00:28:27,900 --> 00:28:31,000
lack of emotion because you
could have apathy, you know?

454
00:28:31,000 --> 00:28:36,200
And just be completely devoid of
any feeling because you've gone

455
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:40,800
completely numb, you know That
happens as well, but just to

456
00:28:40,800 --> 00:28:46,100
pause to breathe to slow it
down.

457
00:28:47,700 --> 00:28:53,100
Very much so because there's too
much happening there just is and

458
00:28:53,100 --> 00:28:57,600
you really need to slow it down.
And then you need to regain

459
00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:01,300
control.
You need to rebuild trust and

460
00:29:01,300 --> 00:29:05,400
trust is layer by layer.
It's Brick by Brick.

461
00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:09,300
It does not happen overnight.
It does not at all and that

462
00:29:09,300 --> 00:29:12,900
requires certain things that we
spoke about in episode 3, 01,

463
00:29:13,200 --> 00:29:20,600
complete, transparency, complete
D that you are completely honest

464
00:29:21,100 --> 00:29:24,600
everything.
You lay it all on the table, you

465
00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:28,900
communicate communication is
such a key and we Circle back to

466
00:29:28,900 --> 00:29:31,900
exactly where we started.
Where communication is

467
00:29:31,900 --> 00:29:36,500
absolutely key and you need to
step out of the Shadows because

468
00:29:36,500 --> 00:29:40,100
you will Turtle yourself in and
that hard shell.

469
00:29:40,300 --> 00:29:43,400
Yeah, it's hard to get hard to
get anybody in there very, very

470
00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:46,300
much.
So what helps for most of the

471
00:29:46,300 --> 00:29:50,100
men that I work work with them.
What I suggest is definitely

472
00:29:50,100 --> 00:29:55,600
support groups without a doubt.
The camaraderie of talking to

473
00:29:55,600 --> 00:30:00,200
another man who has been through
a similar experience, speaks

474
00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:04,300
volumes.
That's why 12 step programs are

475
00:30:04,300 --> 00:30:11,000
so needed and so beneficial
because of that sponsorship

476
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:15,500
situation that you have just
knowing that another man in out

477
00:30:15,500 --> 00:30:19,000
you can come out of the Shadows.
And kind of talk about this

478
00:30:19,100 --> 00:30:23,500
because again, there's that
shame aspect that Society is put

479
00:30:23,500 --> 00:30:28,500
on men related to this topic.
And it's definitely, they need

480
00:30:28,500 --> 00:30:34,000
to ground themselves in any kind
of self-care practice that they

481
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:37,200
enjoy.
They really need to pause.

482
00:30:38,300 --> 00:30:44,400
They should not bury this.
They have to face it and

483
00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:47,800
sometimes facing this means
facing things from the past as

484
00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:51,900
well, and that's okay, it's
absolutely okay because maybe

485
00:30:51,900 --> 00:30:53,500
some of those things from the
past.

486
00:30:53,500 --> 00:30:57,500
Were meant to be here, front and
center now so that you can deal

487
00:30:57,500 --> 00:31:00,600
with it wiser than you were
back.

488
00:31:00,600 --> 00:31:04,900
Then when you initially went
through that experience now you

489
00:31:04,900 --> 00:31:09,000
have wisdom and now you can
pivot and see it from a

490
00:31:09,000 --> 00:31:11,500
different angle and maybe clean
up.

491
00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:16,000
Up all those things, which will
then help you deal with the

492
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:19,600
Betrayal.
So it sounds like Dairy to do

493
00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:23,400
this alone.
Makes it infinitely more

494
00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:27,100
challenging.
Oh, yeah, anything you do alone.

495
00:31:27,300 --> 00:31:29,900
You know, you might feel like
you're doing it faster.

496
00:31:29,900 --> 00:31:32,000
But you're not you're really
not.

497
00:31:32,100 --> 00:31:35,900
And basically what you're doing
is you're shoveling the dirt on

498
00:31:35,900 --> 00:31:38,700
a little faster because all
you're doing is burying it,

499
00:31:38,700 --> 00:31:41,500
you're not dealing with it and
you need to deal with it.

500
00:31:41,900 --> 00:31:44,600
Yeah, absolutely.
Because because Men by Nature we

501
00:31:44,600 --> 00:31:46,800
have the masks that we have it
all figured out and we don't

502
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,500
need anybody.
But when you eat these somebody

503
00:31:49,500 --> 00:31:52,800
and you meet other men that are
have are going through or have

504
00:31:52,800 --> 00:31:54,100
been through that same
situation.

505
00:31:54,300 --> 00:31:57,900
Yeah I personal experience this
such a release this such a

506
00:31:57,900 --> 00:32:02,500
relief and knowing that others
can survive things, they give

507
00:32:02,500 --> 00:32:05,000
gives you the hope that.
Whoa, maybe I could maybe I can

508
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:06,400
see my way through this as well
too.

509
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:10,000
So yeah, there's tremendous
power in men's groups for men

510
00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:13,500
because it's it's so Rare that
we would publicly share.

511
00:32:13,700 --> 00:32:17,800
Exactly, exactly.
And it's important to do so.

512
00:32:18,100 --> 00:32:21,200
And you know, that's why
Facebook is really interesting

513
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:24,400
because now you have the
opportunity to post anonymously.

514
00:32:24,700 --> 00:32:26,600
So, you know, if you don't want
to put your name on there,

515
00:32:26,600 --> 00:32:27,900
that's fine.
No.

516
00:32:28,100 --> 00:32:32,000
Absolutely.
But get get that support, that

517
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:32,600
you need.
Not that.

518
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:35,700
I'm advocating, Facebook groups.
I'm want to be very, very

519
00:32:35,700 --> 00:32:37,800
cautious on that.
You know, if you're going to

520
00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:41,000
join your voice Facebook group,
make sure it's really small like

521
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:45,800
under Under 3,000, maybe even
under 1,000 members, because

522
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:48,100
anything bigger than that,
unfortunately, you have to deal

523
00:32:48,100 --> 00:32:51,500
with judgment.
And in this very vulnerable

524
00:32:51,500 --> 00:32:56,800
state of being betrayed, you do
not need the Judgment of

525
00:32:56,800 --> 00:32:58,800
everybody else.
No.

526
00:32:58,900 --> 00:33:04,500
You need the understanding ear,
you need the camaraderie and

527
00:33:04,500 --> 00:33:09,500
just as you said, uh, talking to
someone else that has been

528
00:33:09,500 --> 00:33:14,100
through your experience.
Oh, it's just like oh thank you.

529
00:33:14,100 --> 00:33:16,200
You have you have your shit
together.

530
00:33:16,500 --> 00:33:17,700
I'm going to get there, you
know.

531
00:33:17,700 --> 00:33:22,200
Now there's hope I now have hope
and that's the best thing.

532
00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:26,200
So I talked to so many men that
a relationship ends and and

533
00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:29,900
those are the guys that choose
to just go the opposite way and

534
00:33:29,900 --> 00:33:32,000
and shut down and all women's
suck.

535
00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:35,400
You can't trust anybody.
And there's such a danger and

536
00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:38,800
falling into that into that over
generalizing and thinking that

537
00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,400
whatever your situation was is
how everything shall be from

538
00:33:41,400 --> 00:33:42,500
this.
Day forward.

539
00:33:42,700 --> 00:33:47,000
And that's when working with
somebody that can kind of

540
00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:51,200
witness and is outside and not
so charged can just benefit

541
00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:54,000
tremendously.
Yes, very very much so.

542
00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:59,700
So we're going to end with my
favorite again, Man's Search for

543
00:33:59,700 --> 00:34:02,400
meaning.
Everything can be taken from a

544
00:34:02,408 --> 00:34:05,100
man.
Everything can be taken from a

545
00:34:05,100 --> 00:34:09,199
man.
But one thing The last of the

546
00:34:09,199 --> 00:34:17,199
human freedoms to choose one's
attitude, in any given set of

547
00:34:17,199 --> 00:34:22,199
circumstances to choose One's
Own Way.

548
00:34:25,900 --> 00:34:29,800
Profound words.
Absolutely brilliant.

549
00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:34,500
In this was written as we know
decades ago but this this is a

550
00:34:34,500 --> 00:34:39,199
Bible for a lot of men and it's
extremely extremely valuable and

551
00:34:39,199 --> 00:34:42,600
I encourage all of my clients to
read it very much.

552
00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:45,199
So is that?
So Vanessa, what's the best way

553
00:34:45,199 --> 00:34:48,199
for people to find out more
about what you offer?

554
00:34:49,100 --> 00:34:54,100
Well, first off is my website
understanding ear.com.

555
00:34:54,199 --> 00:34:58,300
There is a A large section of
for betrayed men on there, you

556
00:34:58,300 --> 00:35:01,300
can always reach out to me as
well through my website.

557
00:35:01,300 --> 00:35:05,600
I am on Instagram, trusted
underscore advisor underscore

558
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:09,500
for underscore betrayal.
So you can always find me on

559
00:35:09,500 --> 00:35:14,100
Instagram as well.
Again for men who have been

560
00:35:14,100 --> 00:35:17,400
betrayed, I am the best kept
secret, so it's not something

561
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:20,900
that I'm like, woohoo here.
I am type of thing because I

562
00:35:20,900 --> 00:35:23,900
want men to feel comfortable,
reaching out to me and it's

563
00:35:23,900 --> 00:35:27,500
always of With the strictest
confidence as well.

564
00:35:27,500 --> 00:35:32,600
And I've worked with men for as
long as 18 months, and I know

565
00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:36,400
that seems like a long duration,
but when you go through betrayal

566
00:35:36,400 --> 00:35:40,400
some men, you know, decide to
leave their relationship and

567
00:35:40,400 --> 00:35:43,800
then they start the dating.
And when you start dating after

568
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:46,000
betrayal, there's a whole
different set of circumstances.

569
00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:50,000
And as you mentioned having this
generalization of, well, every

570
00:35:50,000 --> 00:35:52,400
woman's going to hurt me, you
know, type of thing, we need to

571
00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:54,600
kind of move through those
limiting.

572
00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:57,300
And beliefs and what not?
And I've worked with men for as

573
00:35:57,300 --> 00:36:01,300
little as you know, 34 sessions,
just to get them over that.

574
00:36:01,300 --> 00:36:07,500
Hump of I just need to talk.
I just need to talk and get this

575
00:36:07,500 --> 00:36:10,000
out.
And usually what we are

576
00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:14,300
conclusion is it's great that
you've spoken to me and I've

577
00:36:14,300 --> 00:36:19,000
helped you kind of articulate
your words, but now you need to

578
00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:21,600
speak to your wife.
That's who you need to share

579
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:25,800
this with, and if she's not
receptive, Of to it then we need

580
00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:27,500
to have a conversation the three
of us.

581
00:36:27,700 --> 00:36:30,600
But usually by that point
they're comfortable enough in

582
00:36:30,600 --> 00:36:34,000
speaking their truth because
that's what it is.

583
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:38,800
They need to speak their truth.
They usually then subsequently

584
00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:41,800
move on.
So it sounds like all best

585
00:36:41,800 --> 00:36:44,700
actions and outcomes.
Communication, it keeps coming

586
00:36:44,700 --> 00:36:46,400
back and back to the end of the
show.

587
00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:49,700
If you're a man, that was raised
and taught and told that you're

588
00:36:49,700 --> 00:36:53,000
supposed to stuff and deny and
not share not have feelings to

589
00:36:53,008 --> 00:36:55,800
begin with.
You're setting yourself up for a

590
00:36:55,800 --> 00:37:02,500
life of Despair.
Hmm. you know, I noticed the

591
00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:07,800
first time you're on two
episodes ago, More comments than

592
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:11,400
normal all across YouTube across
from Yeoman feel dot org and the

593
00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:14,200
blog post but all the comments
were from women.

594
00:37:15,300 --> 00:37:19,300
And yeah, and it helps get like,
I like all the stats that I can

595
00:37:19,300 --> 00:37:21,400
see from any sort of platform,
that breaks it down.

596
00:37:21,400 --> 00:37:24,900
There are more male listeners
than female, but far more filho,

597
00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:27,300
people will stand up and
publicly say, I listened to the

598
00:37:27,300 --> 00:37:28,900
show and I got something from
this show.

599
00:37:28,900 --> 00:37:32,500
So many of you, haven't listened
to the prior prior show, with,

600
00:37:32,500 --> 00:37:36,500
with Vanessa do, so you don't
need to be.

601
00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:41,000
A perpetrator or a victim of
betrayal to get gold out of this

602
00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:44,200
information because again, it
comes back to communication, it

603
00:37:44,200 --> 00:37:47,700
comes back to enjoying that
pause not being over, reactive

604
00:37:47,700 --> 00:37:50,200
not just jumping into anger, if
that's what you're prone to do.

605
00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:51,800
It's not just jumping into
shame.

606
00:37:51,900 --> 00:37:54,100
If you feel like you've been
blamed or it's something

607
00:37:54,100 --> 00:37:58,300
anything is your fault a
relationship ending, does not

608
00:37:58,300 --> 00:38:01,700
make a failure out of anybody
now.

609
00:38:01,900 --> 00:38:06,100
Dan Savage said it best, oh my
God, he had the best quote, he

610
00:38:06,100 --> 00:38:10,300
was in about divorce and how,
you know, when people comment on

611
00:38:10,300 --> 00:38:12,800
divorced people are like, oh,
I'm so sorry this and that, and

612
00:38:12,800 --> 00:38:16,000
he's like, no, no, no.
We should be congratulating

613
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:18,500
them.
You you survived X.

614
00:38:18,500 --> 00:38:23,500
Number of years, that's great.
And you both made the decision

615
00:38:23,500 --> 00:38:28,300
to divorce kudos to you.
Congratulations on being in a

616
00:38:28,300 --> 00:38:31,300
long-term relationship for X
number of years.

617
00:38:31,300 --> 00:38:33,500
Congrats.
And I love that.

618
00:38:33,500 --> 00:38:37,600
I'm like yes, that's exactly it.
You know because Whew, if you

619
00:38:37,600 --> 00:38:42,000
lost your spouse to death, you
know, people would say oh you

620
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:43,400
were married for 30 years, you
know.

621
00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:46,200
Congratulations, you know,
that's okay.

622
00:38:46,300 --> 00:38:48,400
But if you say, oh, you know,
I've been married for 30 years

623
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:50,500
but we got divorced.
Oh, I'm so sorry.

624
00:38:50,700 --> 00:38:53,400
No way, wait a second.
No know why is it different

625
00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:57,400
whether the spouse died or the
spouse moved on, you know, with

626
00:38:57,400 --> 00:39:00,000
someone else?
Yeah, good point.

627
00:39:00,100 --> 00:39:01,900
Yeah.
And I earlier this year, we had

628
00:39:01,900 --> 00:39:04,200
a show on being happily divorced
because another man that

629
00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:05,800
introduced himself that way.
Yeah, you can.

630
00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:09,000
Ideally, it is the best decision
for all involved.

631
00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:12,400
Ideally any decision, a couple
makes is the best decision for

632
00:39:12,400 --> 00:39:14,200
all involved.
So yeah, there's not reason to

633
00:39:14,200 --> 00:39:16,000
be.
Oh, that's so I'm so sorry.

634
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:19,800
You made a decision.
No, no, this is great.

635
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:23,900
You made a decision that, that,
that in and of itself because

636
00:39:23,900 --> 00:39:27,400
sometimes we get paralyzed in
making a decision.

637
00:39:27,900 --> 00:39:29,500
And that's usually what I need
to work.

638
00:39:29,500 --> 00:39:33,800
With my clients, all my clients
on is making that decision,

639
00:39:33,900 --> 00:39:36,400
whether you stay in your
relationship or you move.

640
00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:39,300
And from your relationship is
inconsequential to me as a

641
00:39:39,300 --> 00:39:42,000
trusted advisor.
It makes no difference to me,

642
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:47,700
either way what I want for my
clients is that they've made a

643
00:39:47,700 --> 00:39:51,400
decision and that they're
comfortable with the decision

644
00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:54,300
that they've made their not
wishy-washy about it and

645
00:39:54,300 --> 00:39:55,900
whatnot.
They're comfortable with it,

646
00:39:55,900 --> 00:39:59,800
it's not going to be 100%.
You can't make a decision on

647
00:39:59,800 --> 00:40:02,700
anything, that's a hundred
percent.

648
00:40:02,800 --> 00:40:06,900
But in this situation, if you're
85 percent comfortable, Leaning

649
00:40:06,900 --> 00:40:09,400
in this direction and that's
their Direction you want to go

650
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:13,700
in then jump in, you know, and
do so, yeah.

651
00:40:13,900 --> 00:40:16,200
Yeah.
If I had so much the most

652
00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,700
beneficial part of coaching,
receiving coaching being a

653
00:40:18,700 --> 00:40:21,600
client when the is making
decisions moving forward, not

654
00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:24,400
just me on my own when I'm down
in bed.

655
00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:28,500
I will stay stuck and an apathy
for as long as life will, let me

656
00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:30,900
uh-huh.
But when I work with someone to

657
00:40:30,900 --> 00:40:34,300
get pushed and prodded and
reminded of the value, I add the

658
00:40:34,300 --> 00:40:38,700
goodness that's in me that that
coffin, we can't see, you know

659
00:40:38,700 --> 00:40:42,300
that that's just what matters
most and you know I believe

660
00:40:43,700 --> 00:40:46,300
Everybody makes the best
decision, they can in any

661
00:40:46,300 --> 00:40:49,700
circumstance, but it doesn't
mean that is the best decision

662
00:40:49,700 --> 00:40:52,300
for, you know, the rest of your
life or for a relationship or

663
00:40:52,300 --> 00:40:54,300
any like that.
So, yeah, self-forgiveness

664
00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:56,400
nothing.
Nothing can happen without that

665
00:40:56,500 --> 00:41:01,100
great and you continue to move
on and what we do as humans and

666
00:41:01,300 --> 00:41:04,300
ourselves is that we don't
invest in ourselves.

667
00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:06,400
You're a dog owner.
I'm a dog owner.

668
00:41:06,500 --> 00:41:09,100
Anything happened to scout?
Oh my gosh you're there at the

669
00:41:09,100 --> 00:41:11,500
vet just like that whatever she
needs.

670
00:41:11,600 --> 00:41:12,500
She can have it all.
No.

671
00:41:12,700 --> 00:41:15,700
No problem whatsoever.
But you, mmm.

672
00:41:15,700 --> 00:41:18,900
Do you invest in yourself?
You do I do.

673
00:41:19,100 --> 00:41:22,500
But the average people don't
invest in themselves and that's

674
00:41:22,500 --> 00:41:27,800
a really big concern.
You need to invest in yourself.

675
00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:34,100
You need those people around
you, to lift you up, to show you

676
00:41:34,100 --> 00:41:37,600
your own potential.
We all see it.

677
00:41:38,500 --> 00:41:41,600
Sometimes, it's hard to see it
yourself, especially if you're

678
00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:44,300
in the jar.
You can't see the label, right?

679
00:41:44,300 --> 00:41:45,500
Yeah.
When you're in a bucket of mud,

680
00:41:45,500 --> 00:41:49,300
you think your mud exactly.
Thanks Vanessa.

681
00:41:49,300 --> 00:41:52,600
Thanks so much.
I am sure we will talk again, I

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00:41:52,600 --> 00:41:55,200
look forward to it.
So full of wisdom, and insights,

683
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:59,200
and just real world help and
service.

684
00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:01,700
So, thanks for everyone,
listening.

685
00:42:01,700 --> 00:42:03,400
Thanks to be sure.
And check out prior shows,

686
00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:05,400
everything that Vanessa
mentioned as well as her of

687
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:11,000
Prior appearance, visit Real
Men, full Is it via visit real

688
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:12,800
men feel that org?
See the blog post for this

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00:42:12,800 --> 00:42:13,900
episode?
We'll have links to all the

690
00:42:13,900 --> 00:42:16,900
various links books and
resources mentioned wherever

691
00:42:16,900 --> 00:42:18,700
you're discovering real men.
Feel, Please, Subscribe.

692
00:42:18,700 --> 00:42:21,400
Follow like share the summon,
post a review, a comment.

693
00:42:21,400 --> 00:42:24,200
Especially if you're a man, you
can always reach out to me at

694
00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:30,300
real men, feel at gmail.com, be
good to yourself, forgive

695
00:42:30,300 --> 00:42:34,400
yourself and live, your best
fucking life possible.

696
00:42:35,700 --> 00:42:36,100
Be well.
Be well.