Finding Strength in Vulnerability: Poetry on Men's Mental Health

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They tell us not to cry, not to
feel, not to break.

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They teach us the silence is
strength, that swallowing pain

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makes us man, that no one wants
to hear us anyway.

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So we don't speak.
And we die in that silence.

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Not all at once, not in some
grand cinematic way, but piece

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by piece, breath by breath,
until we're nothing but the

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ghosts of the boys we used to
be.

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Hello and welcome to Real Men
Field.

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I'm your host, author, coach and
healer, Andy Grant.

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Please visit theandygrant.com to
learn more about me.

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We have conversations that most
men are not having, but that all

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men and the women who love them
can benefit from.

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My guest today is Colton Ben
Valley.

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Colton, known online as Poetry
by Colton, is a spoken word

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poet, father, and the author of
Let's Talk About It, a poetry

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collection that dives head first
into the realities of Ben's

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mental health.
Now if I say poetry and you say,

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uh, this is something else
entirely.

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Colton's work is guttural and
impactful and had me in tears

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this very morning.
Colton shares 2 poems from his

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book, talks about the fire he
finds himself in, what has

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helped him the most, and what he
wishes more men realized.

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Let's do it.
Hello Colton and welcome to Real

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Men Feel.
Hey, Andy Wodd Beer.

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Thank you.
You know, when, when you first

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reached out to me, you, you have
a book of poetry coming out

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called Let's Talk about it.
And I believe I told you like I

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don't read the books of my
guests.

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I like to be like the listeners
who probably haven't read it

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either.
But this morning I did skim it

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and wow, I I'm, I'm not kidding,
some of the titles alone we're

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really stirring things up for
me.

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Things like I'm doing great and
the night I almost didn't make

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it and I did, I loved I read the
first lie about the lie of

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saying I'm fine and man, I had a
a guttural impact to that and

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other things that I looked at
and I'm fine.

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You you write about wanting to
say that instead of saying I'm

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fine.
I'm terrified and have a very

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emotional, impactful, resonant,
great freaking work that this

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this I, I am not a poet.
When someone says I have a book

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of poetry, I'm imagining, oh,
rainbows and fairy dust and

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things like that.
And that is not this at all.

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Not at all knows.
Yeah, And what else caught me?

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Oh, the thing that lives in me
again, super powerful.

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And it reminded me of a
Metallica song that hits me so

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hard I can't listen to it
because I don't want to lose how

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hard it hits me.
But it's called the Unnamed

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Feeling and it just.
I'll share with you.

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Check it out.
It's like, whoa, like I just, I

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just to make sure that was a
song.

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I played it like an hour and a
half ago and I was in tears as I

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was reading so much of your of
your content too.

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So the thing that lives in me, I
want to touch on that piece,

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Man, that was a tough one to
write.

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I took myself kind of out of the
human perspective and wrote more

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from the perspective of the
thing that lives in me, that

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tells me I'm not OK, that tells
me I'm not good enough.

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And the hatred that he has or
that that being has him

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personifying.
It was a really difficult task,

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but man, that one was it was a
fun one to write and it really

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that's my favorite piece.
Was it really fun to write?

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No, not at all.
Not at all.

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All right.
Good.

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Yeah.
So what first got you into

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poetry?
Is this a a new experience or

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something you've always done?
Yeah, great question.

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So it all started when I was
about 1314 years old, actually

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had dreams of being a rock star
and I was in a band and did

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pretty good with it.
Actually travelled around a

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little bit and wrote a lot of my
own originals.

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So that's where it started.
Unfortunately lost my voice.

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Will bid a time later due to an
essential drummer spreading to

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my vocal cords.
And so I kept writing, but I

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kind of went into into hiding
with it.

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I never shared what I wrote
because it went from songs to

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poetry and didn't want that to
come across as, oh, he's a soft

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guy, he writes poetry, you know
what I mean?

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Yeah, I, I pretty much do, yeah.
Up until about February of this

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year, I was hanging out with
Buddy after a rough day, had a

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couple too many and shared some
poetry with him as if I was like

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telling him my deepest darkest
secret. 2 weeks later he drove

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me into a poetry slim and I
ended up winning the whole

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thing.
And that's just kind of ignited

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what you see today.
The book TikTok, it's gotten

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pretty popular there and it's
been a really cool.

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Journey.
Nice.

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So from that first drunken share
and then winning the poetry

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slam, what made you want to
create this book and share it

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with the world?
You know, I wrote the poetry.

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It's always just been for me,
and it still is, if I'm being

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honest.
But I also saw that my

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struggles, not necessarily the
context of what I'm going

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through specifically, but the
emotional side of it, it's

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universal and men are
struggling.

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And I mean, I always knew that,
right?

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We don't talk enough, blah,
blah, blah.

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But I didn't understand how many
men it truly was until I got on

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in front of the public and was
reading my poetry to him.

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And I get in DMS talking about
how how much I meant to him and

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so on and so forth.
And it just ignited a OK, I need

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to get this in front of as many
people as I can.

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And did that bring up any sort
of fears or hesitancy about this

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project?
Oh, this is terrifying.

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It's absolutely terrifying.
I'm putting my heart and my soul

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on paper and bearing it for the
world, you know?

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But if I wanted to preach, you
know, speak up.

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Let's talk more.
Let we're not alone.

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I have to be the one to take the
lead there and say, hey, guys,

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look, I'm going through it.
I'm not OK.

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I'm still on the fire with you.
What Just have a space where we

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don't have to have that tough
external feel on.

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We can drop our owner for a
little bit.

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Yeah, yeah, that that's so
important for Meant to have an

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opportunity, a community, even
just one solitary friendship

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where, yeah, that the mask can
fall away.

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Yeah.
Absolutely.

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I did not give you a warning
about this, but might you read a

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poem of your choosing?
Oh, I would love to give me your

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false.
So I do a lot of writing.

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I've wrote about 180 pieces
since February.

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So I'll do one out of the book,
though, just because that's what

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we're here talking about.
And probably in my opinion, the

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most, most important piece in
the entire book.

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It's called Speak Up.
They tell us not to cry, not to

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feel, not to break.
They teach us the silence is

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strength, that swallowing pain
makes us man, that no one wants

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to hear us anyway, so we don't
speak.

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And we die in that silence.
Not all at once, not in some

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grand cinematic way, but piece
by piece, breath by breath,

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until we're nothing but the
ghosts of the boys we used to

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be.
Because we're taught that

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feelings are things to be
buried, that struggle is

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something to be suffered alone.
That real men don't ask for

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help.
I'm sorry, but fuck that.

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Strength is a silence.
Strength is standing up and

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saying I'm not OK.
Strength is admitting that the

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weight is too heavy, that your
hands are shaking, that you

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don't know how much longer you
can hold on.

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Strength is speaking even when
your voice trembles, even when

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the word stays like shame.
Even when everything in you says

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no one will understand.
Because I promise you, someone

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will.
I've been there.

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I've stared at the ceiling at
3:00 AM wondering if it would

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hurt us to just disappear.
I've felt the weight of the

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world press against my ribs
until I forgot how to breathe.

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I've drowned in my own silence,
and I refuse to do it again.

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Too many men choose death over
honesty.

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Too many men would rather become
a memory than admit their pain

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in that.
That's a real fucking tragedy.

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We lose brothers, fathers,
friends because we're too afraid

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to say I need help.
So I'll say it first.

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I need help.
Some days I struggle.

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Some days I don't know what the
hell that I'm doing.

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Some days I carry things too
heavy for one man, but I speak

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anyway.
I speak because I refuse to be

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another named etched into stone
too soon.

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I speak because I refuse to let
the world convince me that

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silence is the answer.
And I'm begging you, speak with

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me.
Speak because your pain is real.

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Speak because you're not alone.
Speak because you deserve to be

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heard.
Let's take back what it means to

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be strong.
Let's make strength mean

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brotherhood admission, a voice
that refuses to be swallowed.

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Because we're not alone.
We never were.

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But we have to speak up to hear
each other.

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So speak.
Wow.

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Yeah, there's nothing I can say
about that.

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I'm just going to let it be
there and breathe, man.

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Thank you.
Who?

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So I've heard you say that this
book is not self help but it is

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self truth.
Could you expand what that

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means?
Absolutely.

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You know, the truth is I can't
pull anybody out of the fire.

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I'm still sitting in the fire
right there with them.

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I'm struggling every day.
So I wrote this book not not to

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help.
I hope it helps.

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But it's more of a mirror
reflection.

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I want people to look, read it
and say, see themselves in these

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lines just so they realize, hey,
somebody else feels the same way

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I do.
And the the book and skimming

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through it, it's not only
poetry, there are some other

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like journaling prompts and such
in it as well.

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Yeah.
So I put those in there and I

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was really hesitant on doing
that, but I wanted to.

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And at the end of the day, I
decided to go through with it

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because even if you don't
journal, don't write, whatever

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the case may be, there's
something really powerful about

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putting words on a page or even
just saying stuff out loud.

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So take it for what it's worth
and read those.

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Talk about it to yourself, to
the mirror at 3:00 AM, or put it

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on a page.
It's either way.

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Just it's a coping skill I use
and I wanted to share it with

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the rest with anybody who picks
up this book.

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And so the again, the book is
let's talk about it.

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When does it come out and how
might people find it?

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Yeah, absolutely.
So it's it'll be out June 1st on

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Amazon.
I also have a web store that's I

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can't remember the exact name of
the website, believe it's just

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poetry by Colton, but the link
is in my bio on TikTok and I can

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get that over to you as well.
You ever write anything that's

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upbeat, hopeful, grateful?
I've been struggling with that,

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to be totally honest, That's
I've been pushing myself to kind

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of get out of this funk where
all I write is really

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introspective and how I'm
feeling.

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I do have uplifting pieces.
I have pieces about nostalgia.

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You know, my pieces about my
daughter always shine through,

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right?
That's the happiest part of my

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life.
So when I read those,

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absolutely.
But this is definitely my

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territory because I'm very
honest in what I what I write.

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I'm not going to fluff things
up.

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If I don't feel something, I'm
not going to write about it.

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They mentioned a couple times
that you're you're still in the

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fire.
Yeah.

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What's burning you?
It's a great question.

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Honestly, it's, it's a drive.
It's I feel like I'm not doing

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enough, but at the same time I'm
doing so much that it's taken

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away from my life.
It's the fear, failure, fear,

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success.
It's the drive to even open up

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my eyes and get out of bed in
the morning.

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It's building a career at the
same time trying to finally be

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in myself and putting this
poetry out there.

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It's an everyday struggle to
whether I'm good enough or not

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good enough or doing too much or
not enough.

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00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:12,680
It's constant back and forth and
for a lot of years I carried it

226
00:13:12,680 --> 00:13:17,160
by myself and since I've started
doing this, there's a whole

227
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:20,440
community of us out there now.
It's been really good.

228
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:24,680
And has this challenge these
doubts of being good enough and

229
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,760
worthy?
Have these been around for a

230
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,520
long time?
Most of my life for as long as I

231
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:33,440
can remember.
To be honest, I had a rough

232
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,800
childhood.
I'll call it what it is.

233
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:39,520
I and never really came out of
those struggles.

234
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,880
I grew up, I learned how to
carry it a little different

235
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:47,000
stir, but still still dealing
with some of it to this day.

236
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:52,400
But we're getting through.
Besides expressing yourself in

237
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:56,960
your poetry, in your spoken
word, what other tools are are

238
00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:02,320
helping you?
Yeah, therapy, honestly, going

239
00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:07,200
to therapy is huge.
And just being around the right

240
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,280
people, I can't emphasize how
important that is.

241
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:14,960
When you surround yourself with
people who are negative in any

242
00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:17,000
light, right?
That can be family, that can be

243
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:23,440
friends, that can be anybody.
When you they bring you down.

244
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,320
And when you surround yourself
with people who lift you up, as

245
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:29,840
weird and simple as it sounds,
it's so powerful.

246
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:34,560
And to that point now where I
have this amazing community

247
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:38,880
around me and I've never felt
better, to be honest, so.

248
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,000
What's this community?
What?

249
00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:42,200
What have you found?
What have you made?

250
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:47,400
Yeah, so a bunch of us on it all
started just kind of on TikTok.

251
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:52,200
We're doing TikTok lives and I
host one where I bring people up

252
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,480
one at a time and they read a
piece.

253
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:57,560
We talk about the piece, ask
them how their days go and get

254
00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:00,680
to know the person behind the
heart is my whole thing.

255
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:06,480
It's really heavily focused on
mental health and just the

256
00:15:06,480 --> 00:15:10,240
community that's come from that.
We've started up a group called

257
00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:14,680
Macho and that's like a men's
mental mental Health

258
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:18,000
Organization deal that we're in
the process.

259
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,560
Again, started up and some
really cool information to come

260
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:26,000
on that and just a lot of
community outreach that we've

261
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,920
been doing as a group.
So it's been really fun.

262
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,000
And have you found because
you're in Iowa?

263
00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:37,000
Yes, Sir.
And have you found a community

264
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:41,960
that you can see in person?
I would love to tell you yes,

265
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,240
right.
I have my friends, of course.

266
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,280
I go out and see those guys
quite often.

267
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,920
They're great people, but not
like this.

268
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:54,760
Honestly, this is something I
kept in the dark from my local

269
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:59,520
people for a long time because
keeping that facade up but

270
00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,760
without them seeing this side of
me, it was always easier and

271
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,480
felt safer.
But I'm in the process of

272
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:08,520
tearing that down now, so it's
going really well.

273
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:14,240
The notion of that facade of of
letting your, your friends

274
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:19,600
believe that you're fine.
Can you identify like where that

275
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,520
came from?
Was it, Is it what your dad

276
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:23,800
taught you?
Is it from pop culture?

277
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:24,800
What what?
What's it from?

278
00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:28,600
I feel like it's, it's the way
most men learn, right?

279
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:31,960
Our, our fathers, we, it's not
even that they necessarily teach

280
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:36,840
us, but we see it as they grow.
I mean, I have a piece called My

281
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:39,440
Father was a Giant, and it talks
about just that.

282
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,520
You know, that man carried the
weight of the world.

283
00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,720
He was a firefighter.
He ran into burning buildings.

284
00:16:44,720 --> 00:16:51,160
And, you know, he wasn't
perfect, but he tried and he

285
00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:53,040
fought every day.
And I could see he was

286
00:16:53,040 --> 00:16:56,640
struggling and he had his
demons, has his demons.

287
00:16:56,640 --> 00:17:02,840
And I learned that from that.
OK, so you just keep moving.

288
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,920
You don't stop and you don't
show that you're struggling

289
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:10,240
because the second you show it,
that's when you know bad things

290
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,079
happen.
People take advantage of it.

291
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:15,920
And that lessons been true in my
life as well.

292
00:17:15,920 --> 00:17:20,880
So it got to a point that OK,
just keep smile on your face and

293
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:27,760
keep going.
Can you share a bit on on how

294
00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:31,240
you felt taking advantage of
once you show someone who you

295
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,800
who you really were?
Yeah.

296
00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:36,760
So it goes back to like the
relationship side of things,

297
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:40,120
right?
I was in a long term

298
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:43,800
relationship and trying to be
careful here.

299
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:49,280
When I opened up about what I
was struggling with all in one

300
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:52,600
year, I was adding diagnosed
with an autoimmune disease.

301
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:56,840
I had a shoulder surgery.
The autoimmune disease is called

302
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,920
ankylosing spondylitis.
It's causing my spine to fuse

303
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:05,200
together on its own and I had a
brain surgery to get my deep

304
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:10,320
brain stimulator put in and my
daughter was born all within six

305
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,840
months of each other.
It was a crazy whirlwind.

306
00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:17,400
I was a welder at the time.
I'd lost my job because my back,

307
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:22,760
I couldn't do it anymore.
My whole identity was gone in

308
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:24,960
the blink of an eye.
And all of a sudden I'm a dad as

309
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,720
well.
So I went into a really dark

310
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:31,080
place and I was open and honest
about it.

311
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,600
And the way it was met, just, it
was harsh.

312
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:40,360
You know, she didn't believe me
that I had an autoimmune

313
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:42,000
disease.
She was at the appointment when

314
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:46,160
they diagnosed me.
And she also suffered from like,

315
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:50,320
postpartum depression.
So it's just a masterful slew of

316
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:55,760
unfortunate circumstances.
But now looking back, I see that

317
00:18:56,080 --> 00:19:00,680
at the time it was just war, you
know, and constant back and

318
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:04,200
forth.
And that's really what it boils

319
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,320
down to.
That relationship got to a

320
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:09,960
really toxic place.
And because of that, and I felt

321
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:13,560
because I opened up and had,
I've just had that facade on

322
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:16,840
like I should have been the dad,
I should have been, I would have

323
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:21,320
been fine, right?
Well, I I'm going to call it out

324
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:24,480
and I hope you realize that all
those should you just laid out

325
00:19:24,480 --> 00:19:27,840
were absolute lies and you
shouldn't have kept pretending

326
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:31,600
or hiding any. 100 percent,
100%.

327
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:36,880
I see that now at the time and
for a long time afterwards,

328
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,400
definitely didn't believe that,
right?

329
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:43,440
But here we are five years
later.

330
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:46,600
And is, is that that spinal
fusion?

331
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:49,600
Is that the same thing that Mick
Mars from Mötley Crüe has?

332
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,600
Yep.
You're that OK?

333
00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:54,880
That's the.
Only and the lead singer from

334
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:57,520
Imagine Dragons as well.
Oh, I didn't know that.

335
00:19:57,920 --> 00:19:59,560
Yeah.
All right.

336
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:02,360
So you're in good artistic,
expressive company at least.

337
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:05,440
Yes, yeah, it comes with the
territory, apparently.

338
00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:12,240
Colton, I wonder, might you
share one more poem?

339
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:19,160
I'd love to, absolutely.
I want to share the first one I

340
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:24,960
ever put out publicly on TikTok.
It's called Man in the Mirror.

341
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:28,960
It's the first poem in the book.
This one I actually did while

342
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:32,400
I'm tracking it down, did some
really cool things with it.

343
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:36,240
I took and recorded it over an
instrumental and that lives on

344
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:38,400
Spotify.
And if you have a chance, I'd

345
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,000
recommend going to check that
out.

346
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:44,800
I love the way it came out.
All right, this is man in the

347
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:48,000
mirror.
I wear a smile like a well

348
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:52,160
tailored lie, sharp at the
edges, smooth on the surface.

349
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:56,520
No one sees the weight behind my
eyes because strength looks

350
00:20:56,520 --> 00:21:00,600
better when it's wordless.
They call me driven, like

351
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:04,200
ambition isn't the chain around
my throat, like I'm not dragging

352
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:07,040
myself through days that blur,
nights that bite thoughts I

353
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:11,320
can't escape.
I'm moving forward, sure, but

354
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,680
sometimes it feels like I'm
running for myself.

355
00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:17,720
But I'm the guy who gets it
done, the one who doesn't crack

356
00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:20,640
doesn't break, because breaking
means slowing down, and slowing

357
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:24,160
down means facing the noise, and
God damn it's loud when

358
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:29,280
everything gets quiet.
I'm tired, but I don't stop

359
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:32,080
because stopping means feeling
and feeling means drowning, and

360
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:36,960
drowning means I lose.
I built a life on the edge of a

361
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:40,360
blade, cutting myself open to
prove I can bleed and keep

362
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:42,960
walking.
I chase success like it's a

363
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,240
thing that'll save me, like
titles and paychecks will sew up

364
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:48,840
the hollow parts.
But what if they don't?

365
00:21:49,920 --> 00:21:53,040
What if I climb so high I can't
breathe and still feel like a

366
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:56,800
failure when I reach the top?
I don't have the luxury of

367
00:21:56,800 --> 00:22:01,720
breaking, not when little eyes
are watching I as I see a hero

368
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,600
in the hollow in my frame.
And I swear I try.

369
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:09,120
I try to be the man she thinks I
am, to be the dad who doesn't

370
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,160
fold under the weight.
But some nights, when the world

371
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:16,080
goes quiet, I feel it creeping
in, that cold whisper tell me

372
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:19,320
that I'm not enough.
I'm not strong enough, not smart

373
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:23,560
enough, not ever enough.
I want to be more.

374
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:27,800
More than the man who fakes the
smile, more than the weight

375
00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,600
pressing into my ribs.
I want to be the man who holds

376
00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:33,560
it together, not just for her,
but for me.

377
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:38,880
I want to sleep with the without
the fear chasing me down, to

378
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:42,200
feel like I'm building something
real, not just the fragile tower

379
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:45,880
of expectations.
And maybe I'm scared.

380
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:49,800
Scared that no matter how fast I
run, I'll never outrun the

381
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:52,600
shadows.
Scared that this fire I carry

382
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:55,040
will burn me alive before it
ever lights the way.

383
00:22:56,120 --> 00:23:00,120
But I'm still here, still
fighting, because there's no

384
00:23:00,120 --> 00:23:03,200
other choice.
Because the man I want to become

385
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,200
is watching, and I don't want to
let him down.

386
00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:09,880
So I keep walking, with the
weight, with the fear, with the

387
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:12,920
doubts I hide and a smile sharp
enough to cut.

388
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:16,800
Because if I stop, I might not
ever start again.

389
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:23,360
Like I said before this, your
work is not poetry.

390
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:29,240
How I normally describe and see
poetry, it is gut wrenching.

391
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:32,560
Confessions.
Yeah, yeah, it's a.

392
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:35,680
Good way to put it.
Yeah, so it's not, this is not

393
00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:38,280
the sort of book you, you, you,
you get in the boat and sit with

394
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:40,840
your sweetheart and drink
champagne and recite to each

395
00:23:40,840 --> 00:23:43,600
other.
This is the one you eat at 2:00

396
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:45,680
in the morning when you can't
get to sleep and you're

397
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,320
struggling.
You had a rough day.

398
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:49,920
You don't want to keep going.
This is that book.

399
00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:54,160
It's not the There's no frills,
there's no bows, there's no

400
00:23:54,160 --> 00:23:56,600
happy endings.
I'm brutally honest with you all

401
00:23:56,600 --> 00:23:58,760
the way through.
You know I can't.

402
00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:02,320
I've said it before, I can't
pull you out of the fire, but I

403
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:05,320
can sit with you.
And that's what this book does.

404
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:07,480
Yeah.
And, and again, I would

405
00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:11,600
challenge one thing there.
There is a happy ending and the

406
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,840
happy ending can be not alone.
Yeah.

407
00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:19,080
You're right, you're right.
Yeah, recognition.

408
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:22,520
And again, anyone that reads
this book, you're giving them

409
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:28,360
permission to feel this bad to
no other men feel this bad as

410
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:32,080
well and that you've gotten
through it.

411
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:35,280
They can get through it.
I've gotten through it right

412
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:35,880
there.
There.

413
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:39,080
There is an end insight.
Cool.

414
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:43,120
Absolutely.
So you you mentioned therapy

415
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:46,120
helping you.
Is there another practice, a

416
00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:48,600
program or a book that has
helped you that you would like

417
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:52,640
to share?
You know, honestly, I had to

418
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:59,480
take a step back and learn how
to make time for myself and sit

419
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:03,520
with myself because I was the
type of guy that as soon as I

420
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:06,920
open my eyes after getting
approximately 4 hours of sleep,

421
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:12,080
I was starting to work.
And as soon as I got my daughter

422
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,960
off to school, I was sitting at
the computer responding to

423
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:19,600
emails, getting on meetings.
All I did was grind, grind,

424
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:25,680
grind from time I wrote woke up
until which I get up about 4:00

425
00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:28,720
in the morning and I go to bed
about midnight.

426
00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:33,440
And that's been my cycle for the
last eight years trying to get

427
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,000
get to where I want to be.
And I have no idea where that

428
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:38,480
is.
I've just been running,

429
00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:42,240
honestly, and grind him because
that's what you're supposed to

430
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:44,160
do.
At least that's what I thought.

431
00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:46,720
And I never made time for
myself.

432
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:51,200
I'd make time for other people,
for my daughter, for my family,

433
00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:54,400
for my friends, but never for
myself.

434
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:58,920
And taking that time to sit down
and fell in love with video

435
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:02,880
games again, as goofy as that
sounds, just find something you

436
00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:06,480
can do for yourself.
Beautiful.

437
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:12,000
So as I shared it was just this
morning I read the first lie and

438
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:17,320
I was in tears.
So made me just wonder when's

439
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:23,600
the last time you cried?
So just what was it?

440
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:28,400
Monday?
Yeah, Monday I was doing alive.

441
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:31,960
And there's a poet in there that
goes by the name of A&M.

442
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:38,240
She's fantastic and she came up
and share this piece that was

443
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:42,160
basically written.
She dedicated it to me in the

444
00:26:42,160 --> 00:26:45,040
moment, which caught me all the
way off guard.

445
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:50,120
And it was as if from a
perspective that if she was my

446
00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:53,760
mother and give me permission to
feel all these different types

447
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:56,520
of way, It's OK to be soft.
You don't have to be the

448
00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:59,560
strongest person.
You're more than a paycheck.

449
00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,600
Like all the things I needed to
hear, right?

450
00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:06,760
It's get real for a minute.
I lost my job last Thursday and

451
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:09,280
was struggling.
We're good now.

452
00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:13,440
I got another one right away.
I work in insurance, so I live

453
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,160
in Iowa.
It's dime a dozen here,

454
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,400
thankfully.
But hearing that right after

455
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:26,000
that happened, it just, and I
bawled right there on live in

456
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:29,480
front of everybody, had tears
streaming down my face and it

457
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:31,840
went against everything I knew
up to that point.

458
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:36,800
And it was amazing, honestly.
Oh, good.

459
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:40,840
I'm I'm glad you're still
learning and growing and

460
00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:44,520
challenging and letting all the
bullshit just just fall away.

461
00:27:46,160 --> 00:27:49,000
You know, there, there.
It's it's that that phrase, a

462
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:52,840
good cry exists because I always
feel better.

463
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:56,400
After like.
Even a even a ugly cry.

464
00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:00,480
Oh yeah, yeah, the ugly ones are
almost better, to be honest.

465
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:07,120
Now without bringing up any self
judgement and shooting, but is

466
00:28:07,120 --> 00:28:10,040
there anything you wish you had
learned at a younger age?

467
00:28:12,120 --> 00:28:18,680
And it's OK to not be OK simply
right, that you don't have to be

468
00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:22,640
the toughest guy in the room,
that you don't have to fight the

469
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:25,280
battles alone.
You, you can talk.

470
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:28,200
You can talk to your friends,
you can talk to your family.

471
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,320
You can talk to random people on
the Internet.

472
00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:41,280
You know, people are inherently
good and they care, you know, So

473
00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:46,320
reach out, talk to them.
And The thing is, you're going

474
00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:48,480
to talk to the wrong person
every once in a while and

475
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,160
they're going to make you feel a
little worse.

476
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:53,480
And that's just going to happen.
There's no getting around it.

477
00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:57,640
The good ones, which there's
plenty more good ones than

478
00:28:57,680 --> 00:29:01,240
you'll ever find bad, man,
they'll change your life.

479
00:29:01,840 --> 00:29:04,520
So just talk.
Bolton, what are you looking

480
00:29:04,520 --> 00:29:05,160
forward to?
Cool.

481
00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:11,000
This is where I should say like,
oh, I'm excited to release my

482
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:12,840
book and.
Don't, don't show.

483
00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:21,080
Anything truthfully, I'm looking
forward to seeing kind of what

484
00:29:21,080 --> 00:29:24,920
this all brings, but I'm also
learning to to enjoy the

485
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:28,000
journey.
So for once in my life, I'm

486
00:29:28,000 --> 00:29:31,040
trying not to look forward.
I'm trying to live in the moment

487
00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:33,960
and really appreciate,
appreciate the climb.

488
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:37,240
Is there anything that you wish
more men knew?

489
00:29:38,400 --> 00:29:43,200
Just what I said that it's OK to
not be OK and you don't have to

490
00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:47,480
carry the weight alone.
Did your learning that lesson?

491
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:51,800
Was it 1 moment of insight or is
it lots of little steps?

492
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:57,640
No, I actually have a piece in
my book and that touches on

493
00:29:57,640 --> 00:29:59,880
this.
This whole, as you're going

494
00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:03,000
through it, you feel like once
you get there, you'll know.

495
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:06,960
You know there will be a big
fanfare and celebration and a

496
00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:09,080
neon flashing light up in the
sky.

497
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:12,520
Absolutely not.
You wake up one day and you

498
00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:15,760
realize, I feel, I feel a little
better.

499
00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:19,840
And then you look back and wow,
I felt better for a long time.

500
00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:24,840
And really, it hits his boredom
because when you're in survival

501
00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:27,680
mode, you don't have the chance
to be bored.

502
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:31,440
And at least for me, it did
right.

503
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:36,920
I was really bored initially
because I wasn't scattering and

504
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:42,800
trying to keep myself busy.
I was able to just sit and it

505
00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:46,800
was awful, but at the same time
it was great.

506
00:30:46,840 --> 00:30:49,000
I'd never been able to to do
that.

507
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:51,760
Yeah, I remember when I when
again, when I was growing up and

508
00:30:51,760 --> 00:30:54,520
was depressed and suicidal.
I remember thinking similar

509
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:56,080
thoughts like I'm born at the
wrong time.

510
00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:59,320
If I had to, if I was a pioneer
on the edge of society, I'd be

511
00:30:59,400 --> 00:31:01,120
having to fight for a life every
moment.

512
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:02,560
Then I then I wouldn't have time
to think.

513
00:31:03,240 --> 00:31:07,280
Yeah, exactly.
What's the best way for people

514
00:31:07,280 --> 00:31:09,880
to to follow you to see
everything that you're up to?

515
00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:12,200
Absolutely.
So I'm really bad at social

516
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:16,440
media, only posting on TikTok
right now.

517
00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,120
I'm trying to trying to be
better about getting on the

518
00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:23,760
other platforms, but you can
find me there at Poetry dot by

519
00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:29,440
dot Colton and I'm live there
Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and

520
00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:31,320
Saturdays, so we'll be up
tonight.

521
00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:35,640
Colton I, I, I said before.
And I, I, I, I'm, I am not

522
00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:40,520
blowing smoke up your ass.
Your work is powerful, guttural,

523
00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:45,160
impactful, and once it's out,
I'm going to promote the hell

524
00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:47,400
out of this.
I think this is a great book for

525
00:31:47,400 --> 00:31:50,160
like every men's group to get
and to like read together and

526
00:31:50,160 --> 00:31:54,160
have that shared experience and
open up discussions and not just

527
00:31:54,160 --> 00:31:56,560
read it alone at 2.
AMI think that's kind of a most

528
00:31:56,560 --> 00:31:58,880
dangerous thing you might do
with some of this.

529
00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:03,240
Again, I was I was floored as as
I read some of this content

530
00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:05,440
today so.
Thank you.

531
00:32:05,440 --> 00:32:10,280
That truly means the world.
That's that's why it's out

532
00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:13,200
there.
You know, I because I just want,

533
00:32:13,920 --> 00:32:18,920
want me to resonate with some
people and I want to I want to

534
00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:21,360
help.
Yeah, and this is something that

535
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:25,080
I found time and time again and
and you're living example of it

536
00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:28,320
too.
When you authentically share

537
00:32:28,320 --> 00:32:31,600
yourself, it can't help but
resonate with others.

538
00:32:33,880 --> 00:32:39,040
Absolutely and.
You know, I'm I'm glad you got

539
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:42,720
drunk enough to to share your.
Poetry earlier.

540
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:49,600
This year and yeah, awesome.
So again, thanks for joining us,

541
00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:52,960
Colton, and definitely be
following you and see how

542
00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:56,320
everything works out.
And I look forward to buying a

543
00:32:56,320 --> 00:32:58,760
ticket to your first tour.
Awesome.

544
00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:00,400
Thank you, Andy.
Wherever you're discovering

545
00:33:00,400 --> 00:33:02,480
realm and feel, please
subscribe, follow, like, share

546
00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:05,840
this episode with somebody now.
If you don't know when you want

547
00:33:05,840 --> 00:33:08,320
to go in life, it is impossible
to get there.

548
00:33:09,080 --> 00:33:11,120
But if that's your case for you,
I invite you to book a free

549
00:33:11,120 --> 00:33:15,120
Clarity call with me.
Visit theandygrant.com/talk.

550
00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:17,960
We'll explore what you want and
what's in your way of getting

551
00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:20,800
it.
Until next time, be good to

552
00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:21,280
yourself.