From Busy Brain to Loving Heart: Confessions of a Problem Seeker

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There was a study done in
palliative care about the

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greatest regrets of the dying.
And you know what was number

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one?
It wasn't that I wish I spent

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more time with friends and
family, or I wish I didn't work,

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spent so much time at work.
It was, I wish I had the courage

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to live an authentic life
because people grow a lot when

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they're faced with mortality.
And that it was.

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That was so resonant for me.
Hello and welcome to Real Men

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Field.
I'm your host, Andy Grin.

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Today I'm joined by Howard
Steinberg, author of Confessions

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of a Problem Seeker, My lifetime
journey from busy brain to

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Loving heart.
Howard is a New York City based

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entrepreneur, writer, mentor,
and advocate.

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He's the son of Holocaust
survivors, was diagnosed with

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type 1 diabetes at age 10, and
went on to become the solo

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founder of three companies.
From the outside, Howard had all

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the markers of success, but
underneath the achievement were

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inherited trauma, chronic
illness, emotional armor, and a

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lifelong drive to control
outcomes and solve every

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problem.
Insight.

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Today we'll talk about
integrational trauma,

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achievement driven masculinity,
midlife collapse, plant

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medicine, and what it takes for
a man to stop performing success

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and start living his truth.
Let's do it.

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Hello Howard, and welcome to
Real Midfield.

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Hey, Andy, great to be here.
Thank you.

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So, Howard, your memoir is
called Confessions of a Problem

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Seeker.
What is a problem seeker and how

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did you realize you were one?
Well, I guess a problem seeker

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is someone who is compulsively,
obsessively staying in their

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mind.
And I've The title kind of just

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worked for me as I started to
investigate who I truly AM and I

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realized that hyperthinking was
a way for me not to feel things

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that I buried long, long ago
that I needed to feel.

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The subtitle is My Lifetime
journey from busy brain to

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Loving heart.
What does a busy brain try to

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protect us from?
I think from feeling things that

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are we don't want to feel and
that we never even get close to.

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I think in my case and in many
other people, we start to build

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these protective systems at a
very young age, and I certainly

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did.
It all felt kind of normal for

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me to survive the world that
way.

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Although I had recognition for
it as I grew, I never really

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understood it and thus couldn't
start the healing work until I I

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dug in and realized I wasn't
living an authentic life.

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I was living a life based in
fear and and in survival mode,

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and it looked good on the
outside.

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I constructed a life and an
identity that society lauded,

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and it looked like the American
dream, but it was built on a

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very shaky foundation.
Know that you were raised by

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Holocaust survivors.
So did that survival mode.

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Is that part of?
Is that where it really was

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rooted in?
Well, there was a familiarity

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with just marching forward,
that's for sure.

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That's what you know, in in that
sense, that was a gift that my

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parents gave me unintentionally,
but their traumas seeped through

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and became, you know, incredibly
had incredible impact,

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particularly when I got sick as
a kid and got diagnosed with

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type 1 diabetes when I was 10
years old and they were shut

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down.
They they couldn't show up for

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that.
They didn't know how they

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weren't in touch with their
issues and completely

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understandable.
But I soon realized as a child

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and this was all unconscious
that I had to self parent I and

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there was a lot of scary stuff
going on.

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And even before I was diagnosed,
my mother was the only survivor

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from her family.
So would be natural to

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understand that she had some
very deep traumas.

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You know, I had a sense, this
vague sense, I was there to ease

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her pain.
So when I got sick, what I the

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last thing I wanted was to cause
them more pain.

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And boy, you know, now I can
trace the steps of how what it

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what it established in me as as
a way to cope through life and

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try to find some sense of
safety.

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But yeah, so strength,
perseverance, resilience was the

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mode.
And I, I took pride in that.

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And guess what?
Those weren't things.

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They, you know, these are
masculine traits that society

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celebrates in men and in people
in general.

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But I don't think it's very
masculine.

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I think it's, you know, it's,
it's really, I was wounded and

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it's they're, they're fearful
traits, concern about always

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work, worried about what could
happen to me.

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And now as my heart open and
that long journey, they say the

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longest journey is from mind to
heart.

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That long journey resulted in
someone who can be his true

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authentic self as I started to
get connected with who I am.

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Understand your parents
encourage you not to share the

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diabetes.
They thought they were doing

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doing the right thing.
You know, I remember the

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conversation so vividly because
my parents never like approached

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me to talk.
We didn't get hugs.

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I love you.
There was, there was only

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concern for my physical
well-being and, and not my

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emotional well-being.
And yeah, they sat me down the

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kitchen on the eve of going to a
new middle school, starting

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middle school with new friends
and the scary disease.

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And they said, you know, you
don't have to tell anyone, it's

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nobody's business.
And that was actually good news

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for me because I already had a
fragile psyche and didn't want

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to look different or feel
different.

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But from then on, what I it it's
almost as if I2 operating

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systems, the outward one that
looked normal and then always,

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you know, negotiating with
myself and with with life just

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to feel safe.
And that and that was a secret I

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kept it had such profound but
perverse over overtones.

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The thought of being discovered
would was overwhelming.

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I could not, could not go there
well into adulthood and finally

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made peace with that and that
that acceptance and but it's,

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it's still a thing.
What else did you learn to hide

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as a boy?
I I hid just a felt sense of

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connection with others like it
was very hard.

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I felt alone in a crowd and
seeking safety and connection,

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turning to relationship as a way
to soothe my trauma.

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So when I left for college, the
first kind woman that crossed my

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path, I grabbed her and
eventually married.

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We moved in together before I
was 18.

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Just I the thought of being out
there and partying and it felt

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like a very threatening rule to
me because things bad things

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could happen to me.
I could have a low blood sugar

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and pass out and, and as a kid,
you know, the consequences of

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keeping that a secret.
I did have, you know, episodes,

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really scary episodes and
hospitalizations because because

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I didn't share.
So, yeah, I, I didn't want to

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feel vulnerability and so I
didn't.

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But it's, it's not like it, it
has any place to go.

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It's it, it was there working at
me.

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I I, I start the book with a a
quote about there was a study

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done in palliative care about
the greatest regrets of the

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dying.
And you know what was number

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one?
It wasn't that I wish I spent

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more time with friends and
family or I wish I didn't work,

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spend so much time at work.
It was I wish I had the courage

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to live an authentic life
because people grow a lot when

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they're faced with mortality.
And that it was that was so

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resonant for me.
So go wow.

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Yeah, of course.
Of course, we don't realize

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these things until.
Is it too late?

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Yeah.
You know, we get this clarity.

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So I said no, I want it now.
I want it now.

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And that led me to psychedelics
as a therapeutic approach, which

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is actually relate, relates to
that sense when you're facing

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mortality.
The ego can relax, the defenses

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can drop.
And that's really the benefit of

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psychedelic therapeutic work
too.

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You can get in there.
You can get under the hood

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because the defenses and the ego
resistance relaxes.

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There's a lot amid Unpacked.
What?

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Was there a particular moment or
was it an unfolding of events

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that had you realize I'm not
living my authentic self?

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It was definitely a a slow
unfolding over many, many years,

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but like, you know, just a
whisper that there's got to be

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more and I'm not comfortable in
the world.

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It can't seem to be still or
present to the moment and kind

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of, you know, and what we do,
what we do, we keep going

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forward.
We keep going forward and the

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and that scar tissue gets
thicker and thicker as as one

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ages.
So yeah, there, there were

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symptoms all the time.
And I would do, you know, talk

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therapy, I'd go on retreats and,
and, you know, I'd start to get

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some glimpses, but it became
more unbearable later in life,

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like late midlife, where certain
terms of events forced me to

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really look harder as this
whisper got louder and louder.

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I was, you know, I've been an
entrepreneur most of my life.

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And my second start up got real
challenging and I got played out

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of the company by the investors.
And it was really ugly and very

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disturbing.
My long marriage to my, my

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partner finally fatigued.
And we had to recognize that

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divorce was, was our future and
my kids grew up and didn't need

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me like they did before.
So it was who am I if I'm not an

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entrepreneur, husband and the
same father role that I once

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had?
It started to get really loud

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and I was busy trying to start
something else and it, and I

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couldn't do it.
Like it just felt it, it didn't

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have the urgency and, and the
authenticity that it had for me

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historically.
And, you know, a friend said,

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well, what do you want to do?
What is your intuition Till he

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said, I, I have no idea.
It's so noisy up there.

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Like I, I don't have that sense.
So I finally I learned and

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meditation.
The the other factor in my crazy

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brew of, of, of issues is I
clearly had ADHD as a child, but

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it wasn't diagnosed back then.
So it was always hard for me to

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focus and, and perform in school
and, and, and and process work.

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So, so learning to meditate
wasn't easy, but I started with

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Transcendental Meditation and I
started to get some glimpses,

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some some quiet, and just then
one step in front of the other.

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Post divorce, I moved from the
suburbs back to New York City,

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and I leaned in to do to to the
work.

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One thing led to another led to
another.

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Dots connecting, layers peeling,
peeling away.

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You think that many successful
men are actually running

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survival programming and calling
it ambition?

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Yeah, and being, getting so much
reinforcement, you know, I, I, I

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challenge some men who have very
successful guys who have lots of

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money.
And look, I, I am grateful for

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my business success and thus
having the money and thus the

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privilege to do this kind of
healing work.

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It's not necessarily available
to everyone.

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It takes time and it does take
some money and it takes

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intention.
So, but I'd ask them, you know,

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why are you still working?
You know, like well into

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retirement age or whatever that
age is.

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And I, you know, I love it.
I love it, I love it.

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Listen, how do you know you want
to love something else?

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Like, I don't think getting off
the hamster wheel feels like an

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option to a lot of people.
And because it's not a conscious

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fear, but it is fear.
It, it, it's the fear of the

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unknown.
I was so frightened to be out in

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the world alone.
You move into the fear and you

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find that it's not, it's not
what you think it is.

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And you start to, when you
awaken, there's not great

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language for this really.
You know, this awakening and the

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spirituality and all that.
But when you start to connect

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and understand there's something
bigger and you're connected to

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something bigger, you recognize
that.

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Boy, I was just, I was running,
running so fast for so long.

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I could never, I could never
touch that.

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So, yeah, I think a lot of men
take refuge in accomplishment

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and it's all, they're all in
their way, addictive behaviours.

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But then they look, they look
healthy.

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I even think, you know,
hyperthinking is was my

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addiction.
It still is.

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I still have to manage it.
It's still there.

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I have all the issues I always
had.

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I'm just friends with them, you
know?

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And I can, I can process things
slower.

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00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:02,240
I can respond to the world
versus just reacting to it in a

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primal way.
If there's a man listening now

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00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:09,080
in the middle of some degree of
of life collapse, be it career

230
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:14,520
change, relationships ending,
health issues, what do you wish

231
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,040
they understood most about that
moment?

232
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:25,040
One, that they are good.
They are because I think we beat

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00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:30,840
ourselves up so much and the
recognition, the self love and

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00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:36,200
self kindness for self is so
important for particularly for

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00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:40,520
men to recognize about
themselves that they're good,

236
00:14:40,520 --> 00:14:42,320
that they're good.
Whatever the world, whatever

237
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:45,360
parents, whatever happened to
you, whatever you've been told

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00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,040
you're, you're, you're a divine
human.

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You're a divine creature here on
earth and and accept that,

240
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:56,760
accept that.
Don't don't be afraid to look to

241
00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:00,000
look within.
Don't be afraid it there.

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00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:04,920
There's so many reasons not to.
We create, we create stories.

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We create a narrative from a
young age of who we are.

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It's, it's not, it's not about
what happened to us.

245
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It's not even, I mean it
clearly, it's clearly a very

246
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:20,080
important thing.
It's not important what we're

247
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,760
doing and where we are.
It's what we believe.

248
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And that belief system are just
stories and stories that get

249
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:30,840
codified over the years.
And my story was I, you know,

250
00:15:30,840 --> 00:15:35,560
bad shit happened to me as as a
child and I'm tough and I

251
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:38,520
powered through it all and and
that sustained me.

252
00:15:38,760 --> 00:15:44,720
But but the recognition that I
couldn't solve my issues with my

253
00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:48,320
mind.
I tried that it the the work was

254
00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,480
of the heart.
It was it was the opposite of

255
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:53,320
thinking.
It was the opposite of doing.

256
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:56,440
I was so addicted to
productivity and achievement and

257
00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,600
doing.
I, I it it, it wasn't, it wasn't

258
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,680
conscious.
The opposite of that is just

259
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:05,800
surrender.
It's just be, you know, just be

260
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:09,240
as you know, I don't know.
Ram Dass is a great teacher and

261
00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:14,640
I, I, I, his, his, his books
were, were so critical and

262
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:17,560
Eckhart Tolle and other great
teachers in helping me recognize

263
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:22,320
that, that essential duality
that there's, there, there's

264
00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:26,320
the, the thinking mind and then
there's the feeling heart and,

265
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:30,840
and the, the, the mind operates
in fear.

266
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:36,200
The heart operates in love.
Sounds cliche, but I can tell

267
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:43,120
you the journey from there to
here works and it's the better

268
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,400
place to be.
Indeed.

269
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:52,200
So as the owner, or maybe former
owner of a busy brain, was there

270
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:55,160
a moment that you realized, I
can't think my way out of this?

271
00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,520
Yeah, I think I, yeah, I'm still
an owner of that same brain.

272
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,160
It's just a little more
peaceful.

273
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:07,680
I think the one reality, you
know, when I lost control of my

274
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:12,560
business and divorce were two
things that I just couldn't.

275
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:16,000
There was no way I I can solve
those problems.

276
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:20,480
I couldn't change people.
I couldn't get people to think

277
00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:23,520
what I wanted them to think.
Those were outcomes that I had

278
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:26,920
to surrender to.
They were very difficult, very

279
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,240
difficult.
And in that surrendering

280
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:33,160
process, I needed tools.
I needed another way to to

281
00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:38,360
process that pain and life.
And that that's what really

282
00:17:38,360 --> 00:17:41,120
motivated me down the, the, the,
the healing path.

283
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:48,360
What has the emotional work
asked of you that achievement

284
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:56,200
never did?
I think it asked me to let go of

285
00:17:56,200 --> 00:18:02,440
the need for validation.
It's as almost as if it it kind

286
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:09,800
of a binary unconscious thought
process where on the one hand

287
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:14,680
there's, you know, continuing to
be addicted to achievement

288
00:18:14,680 --> 00:18:18,480
productivity, which results in
validation that my existence

289
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:21,320
matters, that my parents
existence mattered.

290
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:26,200
They wanted us to succeed so
that their sacrifices, their

291
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:29,240
survival against all odds was
worthwhile.

292
00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:36,040
And so the choice between being
stuck in that achieving

293
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:43,720
validation mode versus the fear
that the utter fear of not being

294
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:48,120
there became a better option.
It became a more acceptable

295
00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:53,360
option to say, let's let let me
let me see what's here and let

296
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:57,840
me slow down.
And I love myself.

297
00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,520
That that is the huge key.
Certainly my experience suing a

298
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,240
lot of guys I talked to, so good
for getting there.

299
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:09,400
So you you mentioned meditation
and yoga and psychedelics all

300
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,840
being part of your journey, and
I've had experience with all of

301
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:16,480
those as well.
And I am an energy healer now.

302
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:20,320
After discovering all these
alternative modalities and

303
00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:22,960
ancient technologies that I'd
never had heard of before.

304
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:28,600
What helped you open the door to
practices that you probably

305
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:32,080
initially dismissed?
Well, there was 1.

306
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:39,040
I was introduced to a spiritual
therapist and Anne was 86 years

307
00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:41,920
old at the time.
We worked only it was during the

308
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:44,440
pandemic and we worked
virtually.

309
00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:48,960
And I'd show up for our sessions
like I would for common talk

310
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:52,280
therapy with an agenda and
problems I wanted to solve.

311
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:59,360
And she slowly, slowly, gently
nudged me to my heart to a more

312
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,160
feel like she'd say like, OK,
let's just put.

313
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,440
Put that big beautiful brain
away for a moment and just what

314
00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:05,600
are you feeling?
What are you feeling?

315
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:09,680
And it was so unfamiliar.
And now I, you know, I pause all

316
00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:12,520
the time to see what's here.
And we could talk too about

317
00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:16,360
somatic work and getting into
the body because I think that's

318
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:19,520
really so critical for so many
of us.

319
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:25,200
And Anne, and she had experience
with psychedelics and she also,

320
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:29,880
she recommended reading Ramdasu.
Anne was, was pivotal in kind of

321
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:32,880
opening that pathway.
And then I, you know, I would

322
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,920
just there wasn't one thing, you
know, it was just trying

323
00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:38,840
modality's breath work was
really, in fact, I said, whoa,

324
00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:41,440
what's here?
Like when you, when, when

325
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:46,720
emotion rises up out of nowhere?
Whoa, what's and that throughout

326
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:50,440
my life that was happening.
Like, like content would provoke

327
00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:53,720
tears, like watching a movie
said, whoa, why, why, you know,

328
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:55,840
and I was always so curious
about that.

329
00:20:56,080 --> 00:21:02,880
And just this this weekend, it
was this five borough bike tour

330
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:05,920
in New York.
It's amazing, you know, 40,000

331
00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:08,720
riders shutting down highways
and bridges.

332
00:21:08,720 --> 00:21:13,760
And this is 40 mile.
And I felt such connection to

333
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,680
humanity.
It was such a beautiful.

334
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:19,040
I said, boy, I like, I know now
what that is.

335
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,520
I know, I know what, what it is
and where it comes from.

336
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:24,360
In the past, they said, oh,
that's so weird that I'm crying,

337
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:26,520
but now I said, it's beautiful.
It's beautiful.

338
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:30,560
You can embrace it.
Yeah, a lot of a lot of similar

339
00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:31,280
experiences.
Yeah.

340
00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:34,880
I can remember growing up and
having so many things overwhelm

341
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:38,280
me to the point of tears.
And I had been taught that tears

342
00:21:38,280 --> 00:21:41,520
meant depression was was here
that, and that was the only

343
00:21:41,520 --> 00:21:43,280
reason you would have tears.
Yeah.

344
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,560
So you may, I, I think
unfortunately that's a lot of

345
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:52,760
the, a lot of that men are often
taught that, you know, and

346
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:56,280
vulnerabilities, masculine
vulnerabilities, strength

347
00:21:56,720 --> 00:22:02,560
avoidance is, is in strength.
And that's typically what our

348
00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:06,440
default position is.
You know, I tried to bring more

349
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,320
humanity.
It's just how I like to operate

350
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:12,960
to the, to the conference room,
to the boardroom, but I couldn't

351
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,400
find anyone there typically that
wanted to connect on that level.

352
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:18,600
It's like, you know, just the
way the way we approach

353
00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,960
problems, the way we approach
issues and, you know, close to

354
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:25,360
the vest, don't say too much.
Yeah, I suppose a lot of that's

355
00:22:25,360 --> 00:22:28,760
necessary to operate in the
business world, but also some of

356
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:31,200
it isn't.
And it just could be.

357
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:32,720
It could be so much more
satisfying.

358
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,080
And through the writing of the
book, what's what's so

359
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:38,840
satisfying for me is that I'm
actually hearing from men, men I

360
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:43,320
know who the book gave them
permission to be vulnerable and

361
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:45,760
to speak up and said, whoa,
like, I never realized that my

362
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:49,400
father did this.
And I've been struggling for a

363
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:52,080
long time with similar things
they wouldn't say out loud

364
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:56,080
before.
You mentioned somatics, so

365
00:22:57,360 --> 00:23:01,360
what's the good first step for a
man that's just just living in

366
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:05,720
his head 100% of the time?
Stop.

367
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:12,040
Just breathe into your heart and
just wait a few seconds and

368
00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:17,480
disrupt that circuitry that,
that primal brain, that

369
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,200
reptilian brain that's reacting
all the time.

370
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,920
Look, I still do it too.
And it, and it, it, it

371
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:26,840
overwhelms me when I react in
anger.

372
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:30,200
It, it, it's so uncomfortable.
Like it's scary for me now.

373
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:35,200
And when it was like I had a
very amplified fight response to

374
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:37,520
the world, you know, I, I was a
fighter.

375
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:41,440
I don't have any use for that
response, but it still it shows

376
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,040
up.
It shows up because that's the

377
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:44,880
interesting thing about the
somatic work.

378
00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:48,560
And that's why I point say,
yeah, just breathe, feel what's

379
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,960
there.
The stuff that happened to me

380
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:55,600
and particularly, and I think
most of us in childhood, you

381
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:59,200
know, it, it was very scary.
It was medical, biological,

382
00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:01,920
physical.
So I had to be on guard, you

383
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:05,000
know, I needed that, that ego to
defend me.

384
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:08,160
And now it, and then it just
became a part of my nervous

385
00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:11,400
system.
So trying to relax that is, you

386
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:13,240
can't do it.
You can't do it in your mind.

387
00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:17,880
You have to get and it's such
interesting work to just feel

388
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:19,720
what's there.
What's it telling you?

389
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,760
Where you, where are you feeling
that now?

390
00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:26,560
Oh, my belly is tight and like,
what's the quality of that?

391
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:31,800
And what emotion is coming up?
And then and boy, it it, it

392
00:24:31,920 --> 00:24:35,320
takes me right out of the funk
that where I was spinning,

393
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:39,720
spinning in some negative loops.
So yeah, it's that I think

394
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:43,320
somatic work is going to
continue to grow as particularly

395
00:24:43,320 --> 00:24:46,200
for people who have trauma as I
do.

396
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:51,920
Yeah, I, I, you know, I talked
to so many guys about childhood

397
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:56,760
trauma and I really wonder, can
can you be a human being in this

398
00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:00,520
time and not have had traumatic
experiences at some point?

399
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,960
Yeah, You know, it's it, it I do
meet people once in a while and

400
00:25:04,960 --> 00:25:07,560
I, you know, and I like that
seems so well adjusted.

401
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:10,320
And I probe it's usually more
women than men.

402
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:12,000
And they had really good
parenting.

403
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:17,600
You know, they had really good
parenting and big families, like

404
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:20,840
extended families, the
grandparents were very present.

405
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:22,680
And you look at the happiest
societies.

406
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:25,880
And this has been studied, you
know, where community played

407
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:30,000
such a big role.
So not to whine so much about my

408
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:33,560
background, but we didn't have
like they were all killed by in

409
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:35,800
in the Holocaust.
So we didn't have grandparents,

410
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,760
didn't have aunts and uncles,
didn't have first cousins,

411
00:25:37,760 --> 00:25:42,800
didn't it was us, it was this.
And I didn't recognize that as

412
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:47,120
so different.
It just was so and and it was

413
00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:50,120
kind of dark.
You know, my parents, you know,

414
00:25:50,120 --> 00:25:52,680
the they didn't talk about their
experiences.

415
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,640
Joy was about to be trusted,
work hard, get ahead.

416
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,960
And then when I couldn't work
quite hard enough and I didn't

417
00:25:58,960 --> 00:26:02,600
have the motivation and the
grades that my my older brother

418
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:06,440
did, it made me feel shittier
about myself and but never

419
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:09,320
sorry.
Like no, no time for that.

420
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,600
Keep moving forward.
And I turned around and here I

421
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:15,080
have, you know, family success
things, a lot of shiny objects

422
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:19,760
and didn't work, didn't work.
So as you went through your own

423
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:24,000
transformation, were there
things you needed to forgive

424
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:27,000
your parents for, or did you see
them in a new light, or how did

425
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:30,400
that unfold?
Thank you.

426
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:34,680
That's a great question.
I grew up and even as an adult,

427
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:38,000
my father died young, sadly, I
was 18, so I didn't really know

428
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:40,320
him very well.
My mother was a tough character.

429
00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:44,280
She would but and I used to
think and they were older and

430
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:47,280
they had funny accents and they
came from this far away places.

431
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:52,280
I tried to distance myself from
that history, from them and

432
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,800
thought, well, I succeeded in
spite of them.

433
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,840
But now, now it's palpable.
And through the course of

434
00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:01,480
writing the book where I really
got granular and understanding

435
00:27:01,480 --> 00:27:05,040
their history as well.
Now I realize I succeeded

436
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:07,320
because of them.
They were amazing people.

437
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:12,040
Just, you know, 3 million of the
six million Jews that were

438
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:16,320
killed were Polish, and only 10%
of them survived.

439
00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:21,200
And and two of them were my
parents through smarts, cunning,

440
00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:24,200
creativity.
And now I could see them.

441
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,680
So yeah, I, I got some good DNA.
It's I'm proud.

442
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:31,120
I'm proud.
I'm damn proud of it took me

443
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:35,240
this long.
So that your transformation,

444
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:38,800
discovering that pride, you
know, I know you've become a

445
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:41,960
father and a grandfather.
How has that affected your

446
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:45,200
relationships with with your
daughters and granddaughters?

447
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,880
Granddaughters is easy 'cause
you know, God, if we if we

448
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:54,440
could, I'll speak for myself.
If I could have parented the way

449
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:59,360
I grandparent, my kids would
have had a much easier time and

450
00:27:59,360 --> 00:28:03,640
and only positive support.
So just showing up for the

451
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:07,000
grandchildren with love, just
totally just love and just

452
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:11,280
fascination and curiosity at
their growth and how they relate

453
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:13,520
to the world.
And for my daughters, you know,

454
00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:15,760
I always say you can't parent
adult children.

455
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:19,640
So now I just can I show up with
patience and love and hope they

456
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:24,080
can feel that and see that and
and deepen our our connection.

457
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:29,840
Howard, what does authentic
masculinity look like to you now

458
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:33,480
compared to when you were
building companies and trying to

459
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:36,880
control boardrooms?
That's easy.

460
00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:40,160
And it's going to sound trite,
but it's it looks like love.

461
00:28:40,320 --> 00:28:42,840
It's just love.
It's just truth and love.

462
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:44,360
And I don't think there's
anything else.

463
00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:48,840
Again, you know, it may sound
cliche, but when you really peel

464
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:53,520
it all away, all the posturing,
all the pretense, all the

465
00:28:54,080 --> 00:28:59,080
intensity, all the fighting,
yeah, we have to operate in in

466
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:02,120
this world.
And it and it does require a lot

467
00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:07,200
of that.
But now if it, I just show up

468
00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:12,360
with an open heart and, and,
and, and want to be of service

469
00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:18,360
versus being in a, in a, in a
very defensive place of a

470
00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:21,840
survivor.
Howard, what's the best way for

471
00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:24,720
people to connect with you?
Learn more about the book.

472
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:28,440
Get the book.
Easy, it's Howard steinberg.com

473
00:29:28,960 --> 00:29:34,680
or Confessions of a Problem
seeker.com and the book it's

474
00:29:34,840 --> 00:29:36,560
easiest way to get it is on
Amazon.

475
00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:41,240
It's on other if you just Google
you'll find it, but it's in

476
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:45,560
paperback, hardcover, audio, all
formats, Kindle, etcetera.

477
00:29:46,280 --> 00:29:50,120
Beautiful.
And finally, what is one thing

478
00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:55,000
that you wish more men knew?
You're good enough.

479
00:29:56,680 --> 00:29:59,120
You're good enough.
Relax.

480
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:03,000
Nothing to prove, Nothing to
prove.

481
00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:08,200
Howard, I want to thank and
appreciate you for your journey,

482
00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:12,160
your transformation, and even
more, your willingness to share

483
00:30:12,160 --> 00:30:14,000
it.
We're we're all taught and

484
00:30:14,000 --> 00:30:15,920
vulnerability is bad and
authenticity.

485
00:30:15,920 --> 00:30:17,320
You know, what does it even
mean?

486
00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:20,960
And it's these aren't important
factors as a man, and I love

487
00:30:20,960 --> 00:30:23,160
that you are living proof that
they are.

488
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:26,480
Yeah, Yeah.
Well, you know, writing a book

489
00:30:26,480 --> 00:30:29,240
and exposing yourself in that
way is really the ultimate

490
00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:32,560
expression of self acceptance.
And it was hard, and it still is

491
00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:34,920
hard sometimes to stand in that
ground and just not care.

492
00:30:35,560 --> 00:30:38,920
People can think what they want.
But that for me was such a big

493
00:30:38,920 --> 00:30:41,680
step of evolution.
But thank you.

494
00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:44,720
Thank you, Amy.
Thanks again to Howard Steinberg

495
00:30:44,720 --> 00:30:47,360
for joining me today and sharing
the powerful journey behind

496
00:30:47,360 --> 00:30:50,720
Confessions of a Problem Seeker.
Howard's story is a reminder

497
00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:53,640
that what looks like success on
the outside can still be

498
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:56,920
survival on the inside.
Many men have praised for being

499
00:30:56,920 --> 00:31:01,120
driven, capable, controlled and
strong, yet those same traits

500
00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:04,480
can disconnect us from peace,
intimacy, and joy.

501
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:07,720
Howard's journey from busy brain
to loving heart shows that

502
00:31:07,720 --> 00:31:09,680
transformation was possible at
any age.

503
00:31:10,080 --> 00:31:13,520
You're not too old, too
successful, too guarded, too far

504
00:31:13,520 --> 00:31:17,760
gone to meet yourself with more
honesty and compassion.

505
00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:21,880
And if this conversation stirred
something in you, I invite you

506
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:24,040
to be part of the authentic AF
community.

507
00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:26,760
It's a brotherhood for men who
are done pretending everything

508
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:30,440
is fine and are ready for more
truth, support, and real

509
00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:34,280
connection.
Go to realmenfeel.org/group and

510
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:37,480
join us.
And until next time, be good to

511
00:31:37,480 --> 00:31:37,920
yourself.