From DNA to Destiny: Discovering Lost Family

0:00 If people have wanted siblings and they finally get them and I'm I'm a very emotional person and this is still super, it shouldn't be fresh. It's almost 8 years old. But the moment of stepping off that plane and seeing my brother's kids holding signs saying over here, Uncle Kendall over here, Uncle Corey, because I'd never physically seen them before. It was. I don't know how to describe it. Hello and welcome to Real Men Field. I'm your host, author, coach and healer Andy Grant. Visit theandygrant.com to learn more about me. Real Men Feel reminds men that they're human beings and they have the right to experience and express all of their emotions. We have conversations that most men are not having, but that all men and the women who love them can benefit from. My guest today is Kendall Austin Stolz. Kendall is an HR professional and Co host of two podcasts whose life underwent a remarkable transformation after receiving Adna Kit for his birthday in 2017. Kendall went from being an only child to the eldest of seven virtually overnight, even moved across the country to be with his newly found family.

1:11 Kendall shares his journey to discover his birth family, reconnect with his roots, and navigate the complexities of loss and identity. You'll find out the most startling moment for him as well as the most moving thing in this entire experience. This is an amazing story. Let's do it. Hello Kendall, and welcome to Real Men Feel. Thanks so much for having me, I appreciate it. We know each other in real life. We are both members of the New England Podcast group. And that's where I think last summer I first heard you share a bit about your your story, your family, your family Twist, which is also the name of your podcast. But Yep, since we're talking about your family, let's start there. What? What was your family like growing up?

1:54 Well, I was adopted by my parents when I was two months old, and I always knew that. And as strange as it sounds from being since I was from a tiny town in Arkansas, I think the assumption would be that it wouldn't have been accepting of that situation. But really, nothing could have been further from the truth. My parents had several other friends, couples who were married who also adopted, and that's not really the reason they became friends. They already were. They just happened to have the all these friends that weren't able to reproduce naturally. And so it's so cool how I got to be surrounded by my cousins.

2:39 I'm using air quotes for listeners. I got to be surrounded by my my friend, my parents, friends, children who were also adopted. And so there was really less of a stigma than a lot of people assume, which is pretty cool because I never felt awkward about announcing publicly that I was, you know, adopted. I would be with my parents when I was a very small child, even a toddler, and we would run across friends of theirs that they hadn't maybe seen in years. And they'd say, and they'd say, this is our son. And people undoubtedly would say, oh, yeah, he looks just like, you know, you or you. And we would all just chuckle.

3:25 And I was a very loud child. And I was like, oh, you're full of it. I don't look like either of them. You know what I mean? I just, like, owned it and and ran with it and teased adults openly for, for using those stereotypical. Oh, he looks just like I'm like, no, I don't. Yeah, it was fun. How? How old were you when when they told you you were adopted? I don't ever remember not knowing. I really don't. From the time I was a toddler. We, we would, you know, as children start to grow, I would see pregnant women and I'd point at their bellies and I'd say, oh, you know, I was in your belly.

4:06 And my mom was very quick to say, well, I was a little bit older probably. But you know, no, honey, that's, you know, that's not the way that you came into our lives. But she's, she always used to joke and politely say, most, most parents are just stuck with whatever kid they get, But we got to choose you, you know, they always made it feel really positive, you know, like there was no, they were not going to slut shame, you know, my, my birth mother. They didn't know the circumstances, but they were never going to say, you know, oh, maybe your mom, you know, was too young to take care of you. You know, they never, they never built those narratives for me.

4:49 And I really appreciate that because it felt, yeah, I just didn't have these weird stigmas, you know, lingering that other people that I've met as adults definitely, you know, had. So I appreciate that. With them with your parents frame in the adoption is such a positive thing and that like kind of you're you're the lucky chosen 1. Did you have a desire to to know about your your your birth family at all? I did, it's funny because I, I think because they were so open with me. I remember being like 4 and I remember saying, Oh, I'd love to have her brother or sister, you know, and it, they actually did consider adopting a a second time after they had me, they got me. But you know, I didn't know that that was a possibility. And but I was like, Oh, I'd love to have a, a sibling. And you know, my mom and dad would sit me down and say, honey, you know, that you have, you know, a different mommy and daddy who, you know, created you. And we hope that you can find them someday if you want to. You know, they were.

6:01 And that's also was very comforting to me because you always wonder, right? Like, because of my joking and saying that I didn't look like these two people. You know, in my mind, even as a child, a small child, I would think, well, who do I look like? You know, where would I fit if I were in a different family? So did did you ever have any conscious conscious actions and hunting to find your your birth family? Yeah, so my mother became, my adoptive mother became really ill when I was 6. And she, she did die when I was 10. And during that period, I think she wanted to be involved in my knowing more. And so they sat me down.

6:48 I was like, I know I was eight. I remember the summer and they sat me down and they said, we've never really talked about this with you and you've never asked, but we have your adoption paperwork. Of course they did. You know what I mean? Like, of of course they would. But in your 8 and you don't even think about those things. And they said, you know, we're we're willing to show it to you. And my mom really wanted to be involved in that because she was so ill. And they showed it to me. And it was, I have to admit, that was probably of all my story, that's probably the most startling moment when you because I've been Kendall Austin, you know, for all of my life at that point and nobody had ever referred to me as Scott White. And Scott White, it was my birth name and to see it in print, I can't if unless you've lived through it, I don't know that you can explain how that feels, but it felt like it wasn't about me.

7:41 I was like real, this is this is me. But you know, you could see in the paperwork, I recognized my birth date. I recognized the hospital. I recognized this the town. So you know it, it was startling, but it was still good news. You know, I was like, oh, they have some details that they've, you know, and then sadly, that's where the bus stopped because they said, but this is all we know. We it was a private adoption. We don't have detail. We don't know how you will ever find, you know, your parents. And this is obviously well before DNA was ever even a concept, you know, for how you might connect with people.

8:21 But so, you know, I put that not, I was about to say my back pocket, but literally just put it back in the safe. And my mother passed. And as I got to be a teenager, I would say to my dad, you know, I really do want to pursue this as soon as I can because it's and I didn't do the research, but he would say to me that, you know, his hands were tied a bit, you know, because in the agreement, in the adoption paperwork, it said that he and she wouldn't ever try to find people. You know, it was, I don't understand, probably wasn't ironclad, but it kind of was written in that way. So he said it really will be up to you, Kendall, when you're 18, to really kind of go down that path.

9:05 And then he died when I was 17, when I was 16. And so when I turned 18, I just went for it. You know, I petitioned the courts twice in the state of Arkansas trying to get my records released. Ironically, the man who had handled my adoption when I was a child was a family friend. He was an attorney, and he had become a judge in our county. So I really thought I had the ticket. You know, I was like, I went to his office and said, Graham, you got to help me out. You know, you always hung out with my parents. And he's like, yeah, so I don't want to be disbarred.

9:45 And so I can't, I can't help, you know, he was very empathetic and he hoped the best for me. But he's like Kendall, I, I, I can't. And so I've never seen my records have never been released. So I started doing registering with every adoption network I could find, you know, not knowing where my parents could have ended up and where they might be registering. So back then, you know, this is pre Internet and so it was really, you know, going to the library and opening, you know, books and trying to figure out which organizations would be most helpful in reaching. It was just very time consuming, you know, and here I am a high school student into college and you know, you stop you, you got a life to live.

10:38 And you know, it's difficult to focus on that a lot. So I kind of let it go for a while. So I know it was adna test that that led to your discovery. So was it just all right, you made it to the modern error, you found DNA test existed or like how did that that test show up into your life? Yeah, well, it's funny, Corey and I, my partner Corey, he he always wanted this for me. I mean, he could see this void that I had in my life. I was an only child, lost my parents by the time I was 17. Not that I wasn't really well taken care of and I had tons of aunts and uncles and cousins and you know, so it isn't like I didn't quote half family, but I because I've been with him for, you know, a while at that point. He he has such a wonderful relationship with his siblings and his step siblings and it's just a a really fun group and I envy that.

11:39 You know, I was like, Oh, I'm so glad to be live vicariously through your family. And so he always wanted it for me. And as soon as DNA kind of became a thing, we register with 23andMe. But it was a little bit before the period where they were really trying to make matches. It was really much more about, hey, do you wonder where your DNA is from? You know, it's about ethnicity and your your roots, right? And that was interesting. I loved it. I loved finding out what I could see in the mirror about myself. I was like, yeah, you look like a white guy, Kendall. And I was definitely, you know, like European. And so it was, you know, it's like that was fun.

12:21 But then when, you know, the the DNA thing really kicked in in 2017, Corey said, we're going to do this. We're going to we are going to find something. And he's always been my cheerleader. And he said we're going to do this. And he got me for my birthday in 2017. He got me my DNA kit. And ironically, my half brother, who I didn't know at the time, his wife had gotten him his DNA kit for his birthday in 2017. And so bam, I mean, it was now granted, poor Chris, my brother, he had submitted his in February and I didn't get my kit until July. So when he and I first connected and started becoming friends, he was like, what took you so long? You know what I mean?

13:06 It's like it was just comical, but it was wonderful and he's a great guy. And anyway, we're fast forwarding a bit too much, but it's, it's such a cool thing how Corey and my sister-in-law Karen had the same thought, You know, like we're all, we've got to find these, these siblings out there, you know, cuz Chris did know about me, even though I knew nothing about my family. So what do the results say when you're finding out you have more siblings than you ever knew? Like what? What? What's that information like? What is it? What shows up? It's crazy. I remember all you do, you know, it's, it seems so. It almost seems too simple. It's like you spit in the tube, you stick it in the mail. And I got an e-mail immediately saying, we'll, we'll process your results.

13:55 It probably will take 6 to 8 weeks. And three weeks later, I'm sitting in my office in San Francisco and I get an e-mail to my personal e-mail, which I almost never checked, but it was on my mind, you know, in the back of my mind, look at look at your e-mail and I see it and it says, congratulations, your results are in. And I was like, didn't they say six weeks? They're just trying to sell me something else, you know? And so, but I, I'm a sucker. So I click on it and it says, you know what, you're, you're going directly to the ancestry.com site, which I have a lot of respect for the way that they did and probably still do try to really protect the people who are involved. And so when I went into the site and I almost never remember passwords easily, but I remembered that one. So I always joke and say it was stuck in there, I was not going to forget it.

14:51 But it it takes me immediately to the DNA matches page and it shows you the your top match at the top of the page and it says your closest match is Christopher Clark. And I was like, OK, but when you clicked on his name, he was very wise. I think he hadn't put with the name Christopher. You probably assume that it's a man, but you like, I couldn't tell that it was a man where he was, how old he was nothing, 0 nothing. That's all I had was his name. And so and you have to send the an e-mail through the site. So I sent him an e-mail immediately and said, I literally just got my results.

15:32 You're my top match. Here's what I know. My name was Scott White. I was born on July 14th 1970 in Little Rock, AR. And who the hell are you? And and he and I said oh and here's my phone number and literally 2 minutes later he says calling you now. I mean I get a note back through the site saying calling you now. My desk phone rings, I pick it up and he's like Kendall, I'm your half brother. And I mean tear. I can't even explain the level of freaked outness is the, the term I like to use. I, I just lost it. I was in a happy way. I, I, it was crazy and surreal and joyous. And I learned in a minute, 2 minutes of our first, you know, our first conversation.

16:24 I learned so much. I mean, it was shocking because I think his second question to me was, but what do you know about Jackie? And I'm like, who's Jackie? He's like, oh, you don't know anything, do you? That's your birth mother. And I was like, you know, I'm having, I almost, I'm surprised I didn't pass out. I was like almost hyperventilating. I was like, hold on, hold on. I I need a moment. You know, it was really overwhelming. For sure. And was this very different from seeing the birth certificate with that other name that you weren't familiar with it all? Yeah, yeah, 'cause I feel like that, you know, the birth certificate moment happened in 1978. Fast forward to 2017, you know what I mean? Like it was such a long time and. Yeah, so it's the, I don't know, all those, all the dead ends you would hit in your search were finally. Over and all the crazy fantasies that you have about you know, Oh well, I'm I'm Prince now, King Charles, you know you know spawn, you know what I mean like silly things, you know, and and you get to play out all those scenarios in your mind and then you find out Nope, just normal old regular, you know, kid. But if you have any second thoughts or doubts about reaching out that initial message, right right to Chris, no.

17:46 Not one. I mean, it's funny because I, I'm shocked that I did this, but I, I almost ran home, like I almost like was like said to my boss, like I got to go, but I was like, you know what, I want to be an adult about this. And I actually spent the whole entire afternoon and my office talking about it. So I didn't, I got to experience it, but I waited to tell Corey until I got home. And by the time I, you know, my commute was not very far in San Francisco. We lived 12 miles from our condo. But I mean, I worked 12 miles from our condo, but the that commute is about an hour and 15.

18:32 And so by the time I got home, I was jittery. I'm like bawling. People on the bus probably thought I was crazy, but I and I was sprinting to our front door, you know, and Corey was as ecstatic as I was, you know, he was so I he yeah, he was so happy for me just with the thought that I might have a relationship like he has with his brother, with his sister, you know, It was just a fantastic moment. Did did this discovery change your yourself identity in any way? Yes. I mean, it's interesting because my adoptive father was a part Cherokee and so super dark complexion, black hair. My mother was a very, very fair woman with Auburn hair. And I never felt like I looked like either of them. I knew not to call myself part chair, you know what I mean? Like I knew like, OK, that's all make believe. And I have to have my own ethnic, you know, identity. And so I think it was really cool to find out, you know, like that I was part Irish, in part English, in part Welsh. And it was so, you know, because my brother had so many of those details and he was able to sit with me for hours and hours on the phone while I quizzed him about every relative that ever lived in our family tree.

20:05 So it was so cool and and you know, I, I was ready for it. Yeah, yeah. So it sounds like more it was filling in holes of identity. You again, you, you knew you were a Cherokee. So you it was just, I don't know what I am. And now you got some answers. Absolutely. Was this discovery and getting to know your found family, was it? Was it all just awesome? Was there anything that you know, any pain points to this? Oh for sure. So spoiler alert for the family twist listeners, I've never spoken to my birth mother. She has never, well, I, I don't really know, right? Because I'm always, everything I'm hearing is third party. I do know that it sounds like it was a horribly difficult time in her life.

20:56 She wasn't given the choice to keep me. Her sister and I are quite close and I found her during this whole discovery and my auntie explained that when her when my mother's parents decided, by the way she was 15 when I was born that she that I had to be given up for adoption, it was never spoken about again in the household. So even my auntie said that she did not feel comfortable bringing it up to my mother because it was such a painful thing. So I totally tried to give my mother grace when it comes to what she must have lived through. I I can't imagine somebody telling me I can't keep my child.

21:42 If you told me I couldn't keep my dog, I'd lose my mind if you told me I couldn't keep my child Anyway. So I empathize a lot with her. But it was painful that when I first connected with that side of the family, with my auntie, with my two, my so my mother has three other children. She has two daughters and another son. And when I first connected with my sisters, you know, the first moments, the first weeks were, you know, mom wants to talk to you, but she's just not ready yet. And, you know, that went on for about a month. And I was, I didn't know about myself so much that I do now that I'm a terribly impatient person.

22:24 But I was 47 years old when this happened. You know, I'm like, what are we waiting for? You know what I mean? Like things could happen, you know, So I gave it about a month and I then I started really pester. I feel sorry for my sisters. I really started pestering them. I'm like, make this happen. You know, I was like, we have to, I have to speak to my mother. And they said, you know, they, they just, they got quiet on me and I finally about a month and a half and I was like, so you got you girls know that I'm gay and have you mentioned to our mother that I am? And they finally admitted that when they told her that that, and I'm not saying it's directly related, but it was around the same time that the oh, I really want to talk to him someday stopped, you know. And so do I think that she's a homophobe? Yes.

23:23 Is that rude of me to say? Possibly. But I've been dealing with this for almost 8 years and you know, she's without dissing my entire family on that side, she's dealt with a lot of things that are unsavory in that family. And my joke is like having the a gay son. It should be pretty low on the list of shit she has to deal with. So yeah, I just, it's comical. My sister, my sister Stephanie, I joke and say, you know, wow, she's overlooking a lot of other things to focus on that if that's really what she's she's focused on.

24:06 So whatever, that's on her. You know, I, I, I do vacillate between feeling sort of pissed off because I've been ignored, openly ignored, grossly ignored for years. And and I do, I do know that she, whether she means to her or not, she creates this barrier between me and everybody else in the family because, for instance, my baby sister lives next door to my mother. And of course, I can't go to my sister's house because there's a, there's the thought that my mother could see me. You know what I mean?

24:47 Like, yes, I should, I'm dealing with adults, but you wouldn't believe it sometimes, you know, it's like, because part of me wants to say to my baby sister, if you want to have me over, I'm going to come over. You know what I mean? Like I'll come in disguise or whatever. You know, it's, I wouldn't, but you know what I mean? It's just, I don't know. I've never been in a family where, you know, one person's opinion could make the decision for everybody else. So, you know, whatever. And that's probably the reason I've never, I've never spoken to my half brother on that side. We have texted but he has.

25:29 So I've left him voice messages but I've never heard his voice because he's always just responded to my voice messages or texts with another text. So I've literally have never spoken to him either. But so Jackie. 'S son is not who you found online. No, no, no. Sorry, I should have clarified. My father's side is who I found initially. So I immediately connected with my dad. My brothers I had. My dad has three other kids too. He's got two sons and a daughter, where my mother has two daughters and a son. So anyway, I love those kinds of cool things to find out, but and they are they were all welcoming. They were all open arms.

26:17 We've been wanting to know where you are. We've been looking for you for a year. You know, it was the complete opposite of how I feel that I've been treated in Jackie's family and with the accept. I love my sisters, but even their children I feel are purposefully distant from me because of what grandma might feel, you know so well. She she rules the family and so she does. Where where are they located? Where, where is Where is or was your birth mom? Yep, she's in. Southern Louisiana so being anti-gay probably shouldn't be surprising because she doesn't live in New Orleans. But you know and look, I grew up in the South. I totally get that, that mentality, but it's 2025 and I'm 54 and she's 70, so I feel like she should get her shit together.

27:15 So yeah. And like there's got to be a weird gut punch of hurt to finally find your mom. And yes, I want to talk to you that you find someone thing and like and just takes that back a bit. Well, is. It Yeah. I'm, it's so funny that you say that because so many times when I'm talking to other people who were adopted, they have always had these feelings of rejection throughout their lives, knowing that they were, you know, given up because, you know, maybe they knew their circumstances. Like they knew that, you know, their parents were drug addicts whose, you know, who shouldn't be taking care of children. But, you know, there's still this level of rejection. Well, I never had that.

27:56 And I always joke with my sisters, my mother's daughters and say I never felt rejected until 2017 when I feel like she shit all over the my relationships. You know what I mean? It's like I've never felt rejected in my entire life. And it's hard to deal with when you're 2000, when you're 47 in 2017 and you feel like a well adjusted adult, you know, who is loved by lots of people. And you know, I, I embrace that. I want that love, you know, and to feel like she's ostracizing me for something that her parents made her do. I don't get it. I, I don't, I can't relate to that.

28:39 So that sounds harsh I know, but. It's not hard. I mean, it's yeah, it's real. And yeah. So you discover 6 half siblings. Yep. And so and it sounds like you're in good communication with with five of them pretty much. Yeah, yeah. Like I could. I've, I've met all of them. I've met spouses for all except my baby sister has a, a newer man in her life that I didn't get to meet yet. But he sounds like a great guy. And I think I would love him and I think he'd love me. So yeah, I feel like now my brother, my mother's other son, I think his wife is an evil, evil force in the universe.

29:23 And I don't care if she hears me say that. I'm not saying her name, but she has caused a lot of division in the family and she accuses me of, you know, trying to, I don't know, infiltrate? I don't know what other word to use. That's a much bigger word than she could ever use. So. So that sounds elitist. And I can be at times, so I admit that. But she is tries to villainize people who don't deserve to be villainized, and I have no respect for that. So no the. Nor, nor should you need to. That's wild. Yeah. So just even even with the joy of discovering your family, every family still has some level of dysfunction. And there you go.

30:11 So. And I was. Delusional about that. I really was and and be and I joke with Corey and say it's because he's got such a great family. Like, I don't see that weird. Like when I hear about dysfunctional families, I don't see those things happening in Corey's family. And I never experienced it in my adoptive family. So to suddenly be thrust into a situation where my own mother doesn't want to speak, like it feels like that couldn't be my life, you know what I mean? Like, that just doesn't compute. But. It's. You got the wrong script for this part of your life. This isn't it's it's. Bizarre. I still, eight years in, I'm like, what the heck, you know?

30:54 You're you're making connections. You're going deeper. Yeah. Your mom's resistant. Was there any other surprises, discoveries in, in intermingling with your, with your family? Yeah, Yeah. I mean, God love her, I love my local sister and I hope she hears this because she needs to hear that I love her. But we've had some moments. We've had, we've had some difficult moments and he owns most of it as as she should. But and, you know, I don't really feel comfortable going into the details, but we really have had some moments. And I love her dearly.

31:43 And and she used to say that she it's horrible that she would say this. I think about my brother Chris, who with whom she lived growing up. But she'll, she'll say things like aloud, like, oh, Kendall, you're the brother I always wish I had. And it's like, OK, you know, so I don't think she's trying to stir drama. I think she's being real, but it can be very hurtful the way that she says things. So that's been an adjustment for me too. Again, I, I what I didn't have a Pollyanna existence growing up, but I really just had, I was surrounded by family members who respected each other and loved each other.

32:26 And if I guess if they were saying weird things about each other or must have been in secret because I just didn't, I didn't have those experiences. So to to have this new ish sister back then in 2018, who would, you know, just like openly insult somebody right in front of them. And, and I it was awkward the first time and then the second time I was like, hold up, we're not going there. You know, I was like, I'm your Big Brother and I'm going to tell you to set up and sit down in the corner because you're not going there. You know what I mean? Like and and it was funny, but it was that was pretty real too. I'm like, I'm not used to needing to be in charge, but somebody's got to take the reins so.

33:08 Was your father's side of the family also in Louisiana? No. So that's a crazy thing about the story when my both sets of grandparents, both of my grandfathers were stationed on the air base in on Cape Cod. And this was a different time. This was 1970 and when my mother's pregnancy was discovered, apparently both sides of the family tell me the story. Both grandfathers were pulled into the base commander's office and they said, he said to them, well, one of you can stay, but one of you has to leave. We, we're not going to accept this, you know, on base. And so my mother's father chose to, he was from Arkansas originally and he chose to move to Little Rock so that he could be closer to his, you know which I get it. And he was married to my grandmother. And so, you know, like my, my mother, my auntie, my grandparents on my mother's side, that's where they ended up.

34:12 And so I never even knew I had a connection to New England until I've heard this whole story. And I was like, oh, so my whole father's side has stayed on the East Coast and my whole mother's side of the family has all developed in the South and Midwest. So it's interesting. I love dichotomies in life. And that is definitely a dichotomy. And you know, The funny thing is that like. I don't want to. Ostracize the entire S but I escaped as soon as I could and I would never go back and and so it's ironic that I ended up embracing the thankful thankfully the East Coast side of the family and thought you know what that's where we're going to end up. We're not is my I love my sister in Arkansas, but she says oh you know you should move down.

35:05 I'm like, no honey, I I left there and 1992 and I'm never going. So you were. In San Francisco, when you discovered this scattered family, learning about all this history and how far goes back and all the dichotomies, right. Yep. Yep. Yeah. And so, and I know you, something prompted a move for you. So what was that? Yeah. So Corey and I had a really steady existence and we love to this day, I will, I will die saying that San Francisco is my favorite city in the world. And we felt like we had struck gold. We had such a wonderful set of friends there that we developed over nine years. We used to live in Saint Louis.

35:50 We enterprise rent a car, who I was working for at the time, moved us to San Francisco. We wanted to go and we'd been there since 2008 and we loved it. And we were able to buy a quote, spacious 900 square foot condo, which in San Francisco Bay Area was like, Oh my gosh, we actually hosted parties 'cause we had the big place. So it was comical, but we loved it. It was great. It was a, you know, we, we felt really like we had great neighbors, like it was just a really good life and we had great jobs. And I find this family in August of 2018, we fly out to New England to visit my dad and the other two kids who live here in October. And on the plane ride back home, Corey looks over at me and says, yeah, so we're moving there.

36:47 You know, he's like, you've missed 47 years with these people who had been over the course of that very short weekend, very, very welcoming, you know, and I, my heart was full. I could have never said no to his crazy idea. And so by January, we had dropped everything and we were living in New England. So it was crazy how quickly. But that's kind of when we moved from Saint Louis to San Francisco. We did it very quickly too, over the course of like two months. So we've done it before. And he's like, we, we, we can make this happen. And he's always right about those things. And we've never looked back. It's been a wonderful, wonderful move so that.

37:27 Initial meeting must have been something if it convinced both of you we're going to change our entire lives and I, I don't know. If people haven't, if people have wanted siblings and they finally get them and I'm I'm a very emotional person and this is still super. It shouldn't be fresh. It's almost 8 years old. But the moment of stepping off that plane and seeing my brother's kids holding signs saying over here, Uncle Kendall, over here, Uncle Corey, because I'd never physically seen them before. It was, I don't know how to describe it. It was one of the most moving things. I will never We still have that.

38:12 We have those framed, those little signs that the kids who were much younger obviously were holding. And I don't know, to go from having 0 nieces and nephews to having 13 overnight was already crazy. But then to physically get to hug these little creatures it, I, I've never felt anything like it. And my brother and my sister-in-law and my sister and her son like, and of course my dad, you know, I just, I still can't really describe it. It, it, it's, I needed it. And I needed it in a way that I didn't know after 30 years, my dad, my adoptive father, died in 87.

38:56 And it was 30 years later that I made this discovery in 2017. And those years seem to fly. But then all of a sudden, they felt like really long, you know, It's like, wow, holy shit. What have I been doing for 30 years, you know, and what I've been doing, and I know this about myself now as I've been repressing so many emotions about wanting family, about wanting to find these people who I hoped were alive, you know, I had no clue. I had no clue on. Meeting and getting them and spending time with your your newly found biological relatives. Did you find any striking similarities and habits or quarks or? It's crazy.

39:41 I mean, Corey and I still love to walk in our dining room. We have photographs from that era and just seeing my really, two of my sisters from one for my mother's side and one for my father's side, I just look so much like them, like it's crazy. They would not make pretty men and I wouldn't make a Pretty Woman. But we do look so similar and I love it. I love having that, you know, connection. And I don't look so much like my local half brother, my dad's other son, but Chris. But our mannerisms, I sometimes we both chuckle when we're together 'cause he'll do something and I'll be like. I've seen, I've seen myself do that so many times.

40:24 You know, like you don't, you don't know to expect those things. You know, granted, there's some affectations that I know I picked up for my adoptive family too, of course, right. But it's just so cool to think that I hadn't had all these years with these people. And to watch the physical similarities is just crazy to me. I just love it. So, So what led you and Corey to start your podcast, Family Twist? Well, you know, Corey says that I told my story in the first few months about 30,000 times because every human I would meet, I would be like, guess what just happened to me? I just felt, you know what I mean? Like I was so happy. And so the poor guy that would get on the ferry.

41:08 So I rode the ferry from we lived on Alameda Island and I would ride the ferry over to San Francisco every day to work. And there was a guy who always had an ancestry.com backpack on and I knew he must work there, right? Like what dweeb is going to wear anyway? Sorry, I mean, most people are not going to just support that. But anyway, so immediately after I found the family, like he's literally in front of me in the line waiting for the ferry and I'm sure it's 7:15 in the morning. He did not want to hear my story. But I was like, dude, dude, I got to tell you, your company rocks. You guys help me, you know what I mean? So that's just an example. I just couldn't stop talking about it. And Corey's like, we have to help other people get their voices heard. And I think at this point, it only been a few, I mean, a few months, we started talking about it not when we really launched the podcast.

42:00 But Corey's like, you've had such a weird experience with your mother that this is obvious. This has got to be happening to other people, you know? So we wanted to tell the good stories and the troubling ones, you know, the people who really have struggled with the rejection. And we wanted to give them a voice. And there was already this amazing community that I didn't even know existed that I'm so happy to be a part of now. But if I can help bring to light these stories, that's our goal, you know, and to to normalize it so that people don't feel ostracized, that they don't and they understand other people are going through some of the same stuff that that you are. So that's been really important to me. And Corey.

42:51 Yeah. So through the show, have you encountered people who wish they had never taken that DNA test? Yes, and you know, it's funny because mine has overwhelmingly be been a positive experience. But I get it. If I had to deal with too many more jackies in my life, that would be, you know, I'd start questioning, like Corey, was that a great birthday gift? You know, but it's it's, you know, you take you have to just like count your blessings, right? Like I I wouldn't trade it. You know, I don't care if Jackie ever embraces me. I don't care. I have found my people.

43:33 You know what I mean? Like you don't even have to admit that you're my people. You're still my people. You know what I mean? Like it's just and you want it or not exactly. And, and I'm everybody thinks they're a good guy, but I'm a good guy and she's missing out and I'm, I am too. I mean, I, I would, I, I don't have it as much anymore. But for the first five solid years after I found the family, I had this recurring nightmare that she died and I never got to speak to her, you know, and in reality, that could still happen. Now. Am I more OK with it now? Yeah, 'cause I feel like this is on her, you know, I, I can't do more than I've done. And what I mean by that is, you know, the very first Christmas, so literally 3 months after I found that side of the family, I sent her a Christmas gift and she, my sisters watched her. I sent it to my, I mentioned that my baby sister lives next door to her.

44:32 I sent it to my baby sister, made her take it. My mother shouldn't have involved my sister's this way, but I did. And she said, you know, both sisters said that she picked it up. She looked at it, she set it aside. She never mentioned it, you know, and to me, like I'm used to Southern hospitality. The least she could have done was tell him I I don't need anything. But thank you. Like, she didn't even give me that whole of acknowledgement. And I was like, oh, this is going to be a tough one. You know what I mean? Like, this is, and I'm so not built like that. Even if I never wanted to see that gift, I would have said, hey, girls, tell him I, you know, thank you.

45:14 But yeah, so it's not. Just her not being willing to talk to you. It's even the contact of receiving something from you. Yep. Yep. Yeah. So it is what it is. You know, I I say that nonchalantly and I don't feel that way. It's still hurtful. I don't. I don't know how it ever could not be you. Know no matter what age we are the love of our moms is innately no needed asked for it's thought out so there's there's there's no wrongness in how you're feeling for sure and the and. Another, you know, positive thing that I always reflect on, and I'm not, I might mean not, maybe not daily, but definitely a few times a week, is how much my adoptive mother and father loved me. Like I can't have felt more love from two people. And thank God I'm, I know I only had them like my mom died when I was 10 and my dad when I was 16.

46:16 But what they instilled in me is will always be with me, will always. I mean, they were very loving people to each other, to the community, to me, to their friends. They were just lovely people. And there's a lot, it's funny, I've learned about the adoption community that there's this real movement to try to eradicate adoption. And I get the concept in that we shouldn't normalize it to the point that it's OK for my grandparents to say, no, you can't keep the child. I think that's where it's coming from.

46:57 But I, I don't want to diminish the contributions that people like my parents, my, the Austins gave to me. They, I don't know where I would have ended up, you know, and could I have been aborted? Yes. I mean, you know, like they're, they're all these things that go through your mind. But and that's the only thing I could say to the people in on that side of the community who are very militant and not really that accepting of these kinds of stories because they feel like it just has no place in society. And I'm like, well, until we find a different alternative.

47:37 I don't, I don't it it, it, it does work sometimes, right. And I was surrounded by my parents, friends who for whom it also worked very well. Yeah, I could I try to see both sides of it. And we've had some guests on the podcast on Family Twist that we haven't agreed with the but we're also telling, letting them tell their stories as well. But what I'm also trying to do is slip in a little of my goodness, you know what I mean? Like, but you should have met my parents. They were great, you know, and, and, but most, so many adoptees, that isn't their experience, you know, So, yeah, it's, it's, it's so complicated.

48:19 Yeah. So, Kendall, what's the best way for people to find everything that you're up to and learn more about Family Twist Well. We are very active on Instagram, so we do post constantly, but we do have a, a website calledfamilytwistpodcast.com where you get to learn a little bit about us as well as you can see show notes and, you know, listen to the episodes there. Of course, for, you know, algorithms, we'd much rather you find us on other platforms, right? But because we are on Spotify and all the the stuff, but and, and we love it. We we have really felt embraced by that community.

49:05 And I always say to Corey, and I'd say it pretty often on the podcast, I didn't know how much I needed it. I did. I've been through therapy for many years, you know, which I which I wholly embrace, but I didn't know how much I needed to find my family. Yeah, well. Kendall, I really want to thank you for taking the time sharing your story with us. Your, your authenticity, your vulnerability, the amount of joy you carry is striking because you've gone through so many traumas. I mean, adopted, orphaned, rejected, but also finding love later in this found family.

49:49 And so it's been a roller coaster and a half. It sounds like it has. But you know what? I, I think sometimes it's easy to say that I choose to be joyful, but I think part of it, that's half the battle, right? Like having the right mindset and feeling grateful for what you have. And I am so, so fortunate. I really am. To have the partner that I have who has supported me through all this craziness, helped get our little family of animals out here from San Francisco, you know, it, it's been a it's been a wonderful ride. And it's not over. Yeah.

50:31 Indeed. Awesome, Kendall. Thanks again. Thanks for joining us, everybody. Please visit realmanfield.org. See the blog post for this episode, which will have all the various links and resources that we discussed. Wherever you're discovering Real Man Field, please subscribe, follow, like, share this episode with somebody, post a review or a comment. If you are not living your life to the fullest, I invite you to book a free Clarity call with me. We'll explore what you want and what's on your way. Visit theandygrant.com/talk and until next time, be good to yourself.