From DNA to Destiny: Discovering Lost Family

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If people have wanted siblings
and they finally get them and

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I'm I'm a very emotional person
and this is still super, it

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shouldn't be fresh.
It's almost 8 years old.

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But the moment of stepping off
that plane and seeing my

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brother's kids holding signs
saying over here, Uncle Kendall

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over here, Uncle Corey, because
I'd never physically seen them

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before.
It was.

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I don't know how to describe it.
Hello and welcome to Real Men

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Field.
I'm your host, author, coach and

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healer Andy Grant.
Visit theandygrant.com to learn

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more about me.
Real Men Feel reminds men that

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they're human beings and they
have the right to experience and

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express all of their emotions.
We have conversations that most

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men are not having, but that all
men and the women who love them

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can benefit from.
My guest today is Kendall Austin

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Stolz.
Kendall is an HR professional

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and Co host of two podcasts
whose life underwent a

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remarkable transformation after
receiving Adna Kit for his

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birthday in 2017.
Kendall went from being an only

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child to the eldest of seven
virtually overnight, even moved

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across the country to be with
his newly found family.

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Kendall shares his journey to
discover his birth family,

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reconnect with his roots, and
navigate the complexities of

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loss and identity.
You'll find out the most

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startling moment for him as well
as the most moving thing in this

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entire experience.
This is an amazing story.

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Let's do it.
Hello Kendall, and welcome to

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Real Men Feel.
Thanks so much for having me, I

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appreciate it.
We know each other in real life.

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We are both members of the New
England Podcast group.

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And that's where I think last
summer I first heard you share a

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bit about your your story, your
family, your family Twist, which

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is also the name of your
podcast.

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But Yep, since we're talking
about your family, let's start

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there.
What?

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What was your family like
growing up?

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Well, I was adopted by my
parents when I was two months

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old, and I always knew that.
And as strange as it sounds from

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being since I was from a tiny
town in Arkansas, I think the

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assumption would be that it
wouldn't have been accepting of

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that situation.
But really, nothing could have

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been further from the truth.
My parents had several other

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friends, couples who were
married who also adopted, and

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that's not really the reason
they became friends.

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They already were.
They just happened to have the

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all these friends that weren't
able to reproduce naturally.

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And so it's so cool how I got to
be surrounded by my cousins.

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I'm using air quotes for
listeners.

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I got to be surrounded by my my
friend, my parents, friends,

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children who were also adopted.
And so there was really less of

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a stigma than a lot of people
assume, which is pretty cool

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because I never felt awkward
about announcing publicly that I

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was, you know, adopted.
I would be with my parents when

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I was a very small child, even a
toddler, and we would run across

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friends of theirs that they
hadn't maybe seen in years.

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And they'd say, and they'd say,
this is our son.

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And people undoubtedly would
say, oh, yeah, he looks just

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like, you know, you or you.
And we would all just chuckle.

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And I was a very loud child.
And I was like, oh, you're full

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of it.
I don't look like either of

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them.
You know what I mean?

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I just, like, owned it and and
ran with it and teased adults

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openly for, for using those
stereotypical.

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Oh, he looks just like I'm like,
no, I don't.

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Yeah, it was fun.
How?

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How old were you when when they
told you you were adopted?

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I don't ever remember not
knowing.

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I really don't.
From the time I was a toddler.

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We, we would, you know, as
children start to grow, I would

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see pregnant women and I'd point
at their bellies and I'd say,

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oh, you know, I was in your
belly.

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And my mom was very quick to
say, well, I was a little bit

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older probably.
But you know, no, honey, that's,

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you know, that's not the way
that you came into our lives.

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But she's, she always used to
joke and politely say, most,

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most parents are just stuck with
whatever kid they get, But we

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got to choose you, you know,
they always made it feel really

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positive, you know, like there
was no, they were not going to

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slut shame, you know, my, my
birth mother.

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They didn't know the
circumstances, but they were

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never going to say, you know,
oh, maybe your mom, you know,

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was too young to take care of
you.

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You know, they never, they never
built those narratives for me.

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And I really appreciate that
because it felt, yeah, I just

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didn't have these weird stigmas,
you know, lingering that other

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people that I've met as adults
definitely, you know, had.

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So I appreciate that.
With them with your parents

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frame in the adoption is such a
positive thing and that like

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kind of you're you're the lucky
chosen 1.

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Did you have a desire to to know
about your your your birth

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family at all?
I did, it's funny because I, I

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think because they were so open
with me.

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I remember being like 4 and I
remember saying, Oh, I'd love to

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have her brother or sister, you
know, and it, they actually did

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consider adopting a a second
time after they had me, they got

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me.
But you know, I didn't know that

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that was a possibility.
And but I was like, Oh, I'd love

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to have a, a sibling.
And you know, my mom and dad

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would sit me down and say,
honey, you know, that you have,

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you know, a different mommy and
daddy who, you know, created

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you.
And we hope that you can find

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them someday if you want to.
You know, they were.

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And that's also was very
comforting to me because you

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always wonder, right?
Like, because of my joking and

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saying that I didn't look like
these two people.

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You know, in my mind, even as a
child, a small child, I would

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think, well, who do I look like?
You know, where would I fit if I

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were in a different family?
So did did you ever have any

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conscious conscious actions and
hunting to find your your birth

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family?
Yeah, so my mother became, my

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adoptive mother became really
ill when I was 6.

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And she, she did die when I was
10.

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And during that period, I think
she wanted to be involved in my

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knowing more.
And so they sat me down.

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I was like, I know I was eight.
I remember the summer and they

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sat me down and they said, we've
never really talked about this

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with you and you've never asked,
but we have your adoption

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paperwork.
Of course they did.

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You know what I mean?
Like, of of course they would.

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But in your 8 and you don't even
think about those things.

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And they said, you know, we're
we're willing to show it to you.

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And my mom really wanted to be
involved in that because she was

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so ill.
And they showed it to me.

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And it was, I have to admit,
that was probably of all my

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story, that's probably the most
startling moment when you

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because I've been Kendall
Austin, you know, for all of my

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life at that point and nobody
had ever referred to me as Scott

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White.
And Scott White, it was my birth

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name and to see it in print, I
can't if unless you've lived

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through it, I don't know that
you can explain how that feels,

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but it felt like it wasn't about
me.

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I was like real, this is this is
me.

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But you know, you could see in
the paperwork, I recognized my

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birth date.
I recognized the hospital.

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I recognized this the town.
So you know it, it was

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startling, but it was still good
news.

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You know, I was like, oh, they
have some details that they've,

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you know, and then sadly, that's
where the bus stopped because

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they said, but this is all we
know.

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We it was a private adoption.
We don't have detail.

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We don't know how you will ever
find, you know, your parents.

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And this is obviously well
before DNA was ever even a

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concept, you know, for how you
might connect with people.

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But so, you know, I put that
not, I was about to say my back

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pocket, but literally just put
it back in the safe.

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And my mother passed.
And as I got to be a teenager, I

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would say to my dad, you know, I
really do want to pursue this as

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soon as I can because it's and I
didn't do the research, but he

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would say to me that, you know,
his hands were tied a bit, you

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know, because in the agreement,
in the adoption paperwork, it

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said that he and she wouldn't
ever try to find people.

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You know, it was, I don't
understand, probably wasn't

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ironclad, but it kind of was
written in that way.

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So he said it really will be up
to you, Kendall, when you're 18,

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to really kind of go down that
path.

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And then he died when I was 17,
when I was 16.

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And so when I turned 18, I just
went for it.

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You know, I petitioned the
courts twice in the state of

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Arkansas trying to get my
records released.

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Ironically, the man who had
handled my adoption when I was a

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child was a family friend.
He was an attorney, and he had

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become a judge in our county.
So I really thought I had the

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ticket.
You know, I was like, I went to

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his office and said, Graham, you
got to help me out.

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You know, you always hung out
with my parents.

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And he's like, yeah, so I don't
want to be disbarred.

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And so I can't, I can't help,
you know, he was very empathetic

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and he hoped the best for me.
But he's like Kendall, I, I, I

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can't.
And so I've never seen my

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records have never been
released.

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So I started doing registering
with every adoption network I

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could find, you know, not
knowing where my parents could

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have ended up and where they
might be registering.

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So back then, you know, this is
pre Internet and so it was

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really, you know, going to the
library and opening, you know,

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books and trying to figure out
which organizations would be

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most helpful in reaching.
It was just very time consuming,

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you know, and here I am a high
school student into college and

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you know, you stop you, you got
a life to live.

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And you know, it's difficult to
focus on that a lot.

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So I kind of let it go for a
while.

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So I know it was adna test that
that led to your discovery.

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So was it just all right, you
made it to the modern error, you

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found DNA test existed or like
how did that that test show up

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into your life?
Yeah, well, it's funny, Corey

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and I, my partner Corey, he he
always wanted this for me.

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I mean, he could see this void
that I had in my life.

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I was an only child, lost my
parents by the time I was 17.

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Not that I wasn't really well
taken care of and I had tons of

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aunts and uncles and cousins and
you know, so it isn't like I

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didn't quote half family, but I
because I've been with him for,

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you know, a while at that point.
He he has such a wonderful

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relationship with his siblings
and his step siblings and it's

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just a a really fun group and I
envy that.

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You know, I was like, Oh, I'm so
glad to be live vicariously

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through your family.
And so he always wanted it for

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me.
And as soon as DNA kind of

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became a thing, we register with
23andMe.

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But it was a little bit before
the period where they were

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really trying to make matches.
It was really much more about,

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hey, do you wonder where your
DNA is from?

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You know, it's about ethnicity
and your your roots, right?

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And that was interesting.
I loved it.

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I loved finding out what I could
see in the mirror about myself.

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I was like, yeah, you look like
a white guy, Kendall.

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And I was definitely, you know,
like European.

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And so it was, you know, it's
like that was fun.

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But then when, you know, the the
DNA thing really kicked in in

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2017, Corey said, we're going to
do this.

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We're going to we are going to
find something.

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And he's always been my
cheerleader.

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And he said we're going to do
this.

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And he got me for my birthday in
2017.

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He got me my DNA kit.
And ironically, my half brother,

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who I didn't know at the time,
his wife had gotten him his DNA

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kit for his birthday in 2017.
And so bam, I mean, it was now

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granted, poor Chris, my brother,
he had submitted his in February

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and I didn't get my kit until
July.

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So when he and I first connected
and started becoming friends, he

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was like, what took you so long?
You know what I mean?

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00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:10,720
It's like it was just comical,
but it was wonderful and he's a

222
00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:14,000
great guy.
And anyway, we're fast

223
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:18,160
forwarding a bit too much, but
it's, it's such a cool thing how

224
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:22,800
Corey and my sister-in-law Karen
had the same thought, You know,

225
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:26,360
like we're all, we've got to
find these, these siblings out

226
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:29,080
there, you know, cuz Chris did
know about me, even though I

227
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:34,680
knew nothing about my family.
So what do the results say when

228
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:37,400
you're finding out you have more
siblings than you ever knew?

229
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:37,960
Like what?
What?

230
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,480
What's that information like?
What is it?

231
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,960
What shows up?
It's crazy.

232
00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:45,760
I remember all you do, you know,
it's, it seems so.

233
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:48,840
It almost seems too simple.
It's like you spit in the tube,

234
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:53,000
you stick it in the mail.
And I got an e-mail immediately

235
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,080
saying, we'll, we'll process
your results.

236
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:57,280
It probably will take 6 to 8
weeks.

237
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:01,840
And three weeks later, I'm
sitting in my office in San

238
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:06,480
Francisco and I get an e-mail to
my personal e-mail, which I

239
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,440
almost never checked, but it was
on my mind, you know, in the

240
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:13,720
back of my mind, look at look at
your e-mail and I see it and it

241
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,840
says, congratulations, your
results are in.

242
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,840
And I was like, didn't they say
six weeks?

243
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,920
They're just trying to sell me
something else, you know?

244
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:26,040
And so, but I, I'm a sucker.
So I click on it and it says,

245
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,280
you know what, you're, you're
going directly to the

246
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:32,520
ancestry.com site, which I have
a lot of respect for the way

247
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:38,320
that they did and probably still
do try to really protect the

248
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:43,320
people who are involved.
And so when I went into the site

249
00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:46,400
and I almost never remember
passwords easily, but I

250
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:48,640
remembered that one.
So I always joke and say it was

251
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:50,680
stuck in there, I was not going
to forget it.

252
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:56,840
But it it takes me immediately
to the DNA matches page and it

253
00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:01,080
shows you the your top match at
the top of the page and it says

254
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,240
your closest match is
Christopher Clark.

255
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:09,800
And I was like, OK, but when you
clicked on his name, he was very

256
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:13,320
wise.
I think he hadn't put with the

257
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:15,080
name Christopher.
You probably assume that it's a

258
00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:18,120
man, but you like, I couldn't
tell that it was a man where he

259
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:21,720
was, how old he was nothing, 0
nothing.

260
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:26,000
That's all I had was his name.
And so and you have to send the

261
00:15:26,280 --> 00:15:29,440
an e-mail through the site.
So I sent him an e-mail

262
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:32,240
immediately and said, I
literally just got my results.

263
00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,800
You're my top match.
Here's what I know.

264
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,840
My name was Scott White.
I was born on July 14th 1970 in

265
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:42,120
Little Rock, AR.
And who the hell are you?

266
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:47,240
And and he and I said oh and
here's my phone number and

267
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:51,600
literally 2 minutes later he
says calling you now.

268
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,480
I mean I get a note back through
the site saying calling you now.

269
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:58,240
My desk phone rings, I pick it
up and he's like Kendall, I'm

270
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:01,840
your half brother.
And I mean tear.

271
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:07,560
I can't even explain the level
of freaked outness is the, the

272
00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:10,640
term I like to use.
I, I just lost it.

273
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:16,560
I was in a happy way.
I, I, it was crazy and surreal

274
00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:21,960
and joyous.
And I learned in a minute, 2

275
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,280
minutes of our first, you know,
our first conversation.

276
00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,120
I learned so much.
I mean, it was shocking because

277
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,760
I think his second question to
me was, but what do you know

278
00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:32,880
about Jackie?
And I'm like, who's Jackie?

279
00:16:32,880 --> 00:16:35,120
He's like, oh, you don't know
anything, do you?

280
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,640
That's your birth mother.
And I was like, you know, I'm

281
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,200
having, I almost, I'm surprised
I didn't pass out.

282
00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:42,080
I was like almost
hyperventilating.

283
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:45,280
I was like, hold on, hold on.
I I need a moment.

284
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:48,960
You know, it was really
overwhelming.

285
00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,760
For sure.
And was this very different from

286
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:56,560
seeing the birth certificate
with that other name that you

287
00:16:56,560 --> 00:17:00,600
weren't familiar with it all?
Yeah, yeah, 'cause I feel like

288
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:03,320
that, you know, the birth
certificate moment happened in

289
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:08,000
1978.
Fast forward to 2017, you know

290
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,560
what I mean?
Like it was such a long time

291
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,319
and.
Yeah, so it's the, I don't know,

292
00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:15,640
all those, all the dead ends you
would hit in your search were

293
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:19,920
finally.
Over and all the crazy fantasies

294
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:25,319
that you have about you know, Oh
well, I'm I'm Prince now, King

295
00:17:25,319 --> 00:17:28,280
Charles, you know you know
spawn, you know what I mean like

296
00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:32,720
silly things, you know, and and
you get to play out all those

297
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:37,520
scenarios in your mind and then
you find out Nope, just normal

298
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:41,880
old regular, you know, kid.
But if you have any second

299
00:17:41,880 --> 00:17:44,640
thoughts or doubts about
reaching out that initial

300
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:46,280
message, right right to Chris,
no.

301
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:51,200
Not one.
I mean, it's funny because I,

302
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:56,680
I'm shocked that I did this, but
I, I almost ran home, like I

303
00:17:56,680 --> 00:18:01,120
almost like was like said to my
boss, like I got to go, but I

304
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:04,760
was like, you know what, I want
to be an adult about this.

305
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:08,200
And I actually spent the whole
entire afternoon and my office

306
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:12,280
talking about it.
So I didn't, I got to experience

307
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:16,640
it, but I waited to tell Corey
until I got home.

308
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:24,160
And by the time I, you know, my
commute was not very far in San

309
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:26,480
Francisco.
We lived 12 miles from our

310
00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,000
condo.
But I mean, I worked 12 miles

311
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,280
from our condo, but the that
commute is about an hour and 15.

312
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:35,280
And so by the time I got home, I
was jittery.

313
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,480
I'm like bawling.
People on the bus probably

314
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:42,160
thought I was crazy, but I and I
was sprinting to our front door,

315
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:46,880
you know, and Corey was as
ecstatic as I was, you know, he

316
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:53,160
was so I he yeah, he was so
happy for me just with the

317
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:56,720
thought that I might have a
relationship like he has with

318
00:18:56,720 --> 00:19:00,320
his brother, with his sister,
you know, It was just a

319
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:04,560
fantastic moment.
Did did this discovery change

320
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,800
your yourself identity in any
way?

321
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:11,200
Yes.
I mean, it's interesting because

322
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:18,920
my adoptive father was a part
Cherokee and so super dark

323
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:25,640
complexion, black hair.
My mother was a very, very fair

324
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:30,040
woman with Auburn hair.
And I never felt like I looked

325
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:34,040
like either of them.
I knew not to call myself part

326
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,280
chair, you know what I mean?
Like I knew like, OK, that's all

327
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,000
make believe.
And I have to have my own

328
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:42,920
ethnic, you know, identity.
And so I think it was really

329
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:47,680
cool to find out, you know, like
that I was part Irish, in part

330
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:52,360
English, in part Welsh.
And it was so, you know, because

331
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:57,400
my brother had so many of those
details and he was able to sit

332
00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:00,800
with me for hours and hours on
the phone while I quizzed him

333
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:04,880
about every relative that ever
lived in our family tree.

334
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:11,080
So it was so cool and and you
know, I, I was ready for it.

335
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:13,720
Yeah, yeah.
So it sounds like more it was

336
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:17,240
filling in holes of identity.
You again, you, you knew you

337
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,600
were a Cherokee.
So you it was just, I don't know

338
00:20:19,600 --> 00:20:21,440
what I am.
And now you got some answers.

339
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,960
Absolutely.
Was this discovery and getting

340
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,360
to know your found family, was
it?

341
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,920
Was it all just awesome?
Was there anything that you

342
00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:34,040
know, any pain points to this?
Oh for sure.

343
00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:38,560
So spoiler alert for the family
twist listeners, I've never

344
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:47,040
spoken to my birth mother.
She has never, well, I, I don't

345
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:49,440
really know, right?
Because I'm always, everything

346
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:54,000
I'm hearing is third party.
I do know that it sounds like it

347
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,400
was a horribly difficult time in
her life.

348
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,400
She wasn't given the choice to
keep me.

349
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:06,120
Her sister and I are quite close
and I found her during this

350
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:10,640
whole discovery and my auntie
explained that when her when my

351
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:15,200
mother's parents decided, by the
way she was 15 when I was born

352
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:20,160
that she that I had to be given
up for adoption, it was never

353
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,520
spoken about again in the
household.

354
00:21:22,880 --> 00:21:27,440
So even my auntie said that she
did not feel comfortable

355
00:21:27,440 --> 00:21:32,360
bringing it up to my mother
because it was such a painful

356
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:36,040
thing.
So I totally tried to give my

357
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:39,080
mother grace when it comes to
what she must have lived

358
00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:41,160
through.
I I can't imagine somebody

359
00:21:41,160 --> 00:21:42,880
telling me I can't keep my
child.

360
00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:45,880
If you told me I couldn't keep
my dog, I'd lose my mind if you

361
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,720
told me I couldn't keep my child
Anyway.

362
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:53,200
So I empathize a lot with her.
But it was painful that when I

363
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:56,880
first connected with that side
of the family, with my auntie,

364
00:21:57,080 --> 00:22:00,960
with my two, my so my mother has
three other children.

365
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,320
She has two daughters and
another son.

366
00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:06,840
And when I first connected with
my sisters, you know, the first

367
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:11,320
moments, the first weeks were,
you know, mom wants to talk to

368
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,320
you, but she's just not ready
yet.

369
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:16,040
And, you know, that went on for
about a month.

370
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:21,920
And I was, I didn't know about
myself so much that I do now

371
00:22:21,920 --> 00:22:23,840
that I'm a terribly impatient
person.

372
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:26,680
But I was 47 years old when this
happened.

373
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:28,480
You know, I'm like, what are we
waiting for?

374
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:30,520
You know what I mean?
Like things could happen, you

375
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:36,480
know, So I gave it about a month
and I then I started really

376
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,200
pester.
I feel sorry for my sisters.

377
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,920
I really started pestering them.
I'm like, make this happen.

378
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:42,960
You know, I was like, we have
to, I have to speak to my

379
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:46,400
mother.
And they said, you know, they,

380
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:53,600
they just, they got quiet on me
and I finally about a month and

381
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:58,760
a half and I was like, so you
got you girls know that I'm gay

382
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:02,440
and have you mentioned to our
mother that I am?

383
00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:09,120
And they finally admitted that
when they told her that that,

384
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:12,520
and I'm not saying it's directly
related, but it was around the

385
00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:16,320
same time that the oh, I really
want to talk to him someday

386
00:23:16,320 --> 00:23:20,800
stopped, you know.
And so do I think that she's a

387
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:22,200
homophobe?
Yes.

388
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,200
Is that rude of me to say?
Possibly.

389
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:31,240
But I've been dealing with this
for almost 8 years and you know,

390
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:38,360
she's without dissing my entire
family on that side, she's dealt

391
00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:44,560
with a lot of things that are
unsavory in that family.

392
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:48,160
And my joke is like having the a
gay son.

393
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,880
It should be pretty low on the
list of shit she has to deal

394
00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:54,680
with.
So yeah, I just, it's comical.

395
00:23:54,680 --> 00:24:00,200
My sister, my sister Stephanie,
I joke and say, you know, wow,

396
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:03,760
she's overlooking a lot of other
things to focus on that if

397
00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,360
that's really what she's she's
focused on.

398
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:11,920
So whatever, that's on her.
You know, I, I, I do vacillate

399
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:17,760
between feeling sort of pissed
off because I've been ignored,

400
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:22,120
openly ignored, grossly ignored
for years.

401
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:29,520
And and I do, I do know that
she, whether she means to her or

402
00:24:29,520 --> 00:24:33,440
not, she creates this barrier
between me and everybody else in

403
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:38,120
the family because, for
instance, my baby sister lives

404
00:24:38,120 --> 00:24:42,280
next door to my mother.
And of course, I can't go to my

405
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,840
sister's house because there's
a, there's the thought that my

406
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:47,320
mother could see me.
You know what I mean?

407
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,880
Like, yes, I should, I'm dealing
with adults, but you wouldn't

408
00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:54,280
believe it sometimes, you know,
it's like, because part of me

409
00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:58,640
wants to say to my baby sister,
if you want to have me over, I'm

410
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:00,040
going to come over.
You know what I mean?

411
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,880
Like I'll come in disguise or
whatever.

412
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:05,400
You know, it's, I wouldn't, but
you know what I mean?

413
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:09,760
It's just, I don't know.
I've never been in a family

414
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:15,400
where, you know, one person's
opinion could make the decision

415
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:19,280
for everybody else.
So, you know, whatever.

416
00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:23,480
And that's probably the reason
I've never, I've never spoken to

417
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:29,480
my half brother on that side.
We have texted but he has.

418
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:33,720
So I've left him voice messages
but I've never heard his voice

419
00:25:33,720 --> 00:25:37,720
because he's always just
responded to my voice messages

420
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:41,160
or texts with another text.
So I've literally have never

421
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:44,960
spoken to him either.
But so Jackie.

422
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,720
'S son is not who you found
online.

423
00:25:47,720 --> 00:25:50,040
No, no, no.
Sorry, I should have clarified.

424
00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:54,040
My father's side is who I found
initially.

425
00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:58,880
So I immediately connected with
my dad.

426
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:02,920
My brothers I had.
My dad has three other kids too.

427
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:06,040
He's got two sons and a
daughter, where my mother has

428
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:09,640
two daughters and a son.
So anyway, I love those kinds of

429
00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:15,040
cool things to find out, but and
they are they were all

430
00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:17,600
welcoming.
They were all open arms.

431
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:20,200
We've been wanting to know where
you are.

432
00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:22,440
We've been looking for you for a
year.

433
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:27,240
You know, it was the complete
opposite of how I feel that I've

434
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:31,200
been treated in Jackie's family
and with the accept.

435
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:37,120
I love my sisters, but even
their children I feel are

436
00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:41,960
purposefully distant from me
because of what grandma might

437
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:47,400
feel, you know so well.
She she rules the family and so

438
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:48,840
she does.
Where where are they located?

439
00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:51,280
Where, where is Where is or was
your birth mom?

440
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:55,240
Yep, she's in.
Southern Louisiana so being

441
00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,480
anti-gay probably shouldn't be
surprising because she doesn't

442
00:26:58,480 --> 00:27:03,120
live in New Orleans.
But you know and look, I grew up

443
00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:06,120
in the South.
I totally get that, that

444
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:14,080
mentality, but it's 2025 and I'm
54 and she's 70, so I feel like

445
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:15,400
she should get her shit
together.

446
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:20,360
So yeah.
And like there's got to be a

447
00:27:20,360 --> 00:27:24,360
weird gut punch of hurt to
finally find your mom.

448
00:27:24,520 --> 00:27:26,760
And yes, I want to talk to you
that you find someone thing and

449
00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:28,520
like and just takes that back a
bit.

450
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:29,880
Well, is.
It Yeah.

451
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:32,720
I'm, it's so funny that you say
that because so many times when

452
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:36,400
I'm talking to other people who
were adopted, they have always

453
00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:40,040
had these feelings of rejection
throughout their lives, knowing

454
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,960
that they were, you know, given
up because, you know, maybe they

455
00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:46,240
knew their circumstances.
Like they knew that, you know,

456
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:50,280
their parents were drug addicts
whose, you know, who shouldn't

457
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:52,160
be taking care of children.
But, you know, there's still

458
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:56,600
this level of rejection.
Well, I never had that.

459
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,520
And I always joke with my
sisters, my mother's daughters

460
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:05,320
and say I never felt rejected
until 2017 when I feel like she

461
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:07,880
shit all over the my
relationships.

462
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,480
You know what I mean?
It's like I've never felt

463
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:15,040
rejected in my entire life.
And it's hard to deal with when

464
00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:20,720
you're 2000, when you're 47 in
2017 and you feel like a well

465
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:25,120
adjusted adult, you know, who is
loved by lots of people.

466
00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:29,600
And you know, I, I embrace that.
I want that love, you know, and

467
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:33,600
to feel like she's ostracizing
me for something that her

468
00:28:33,600 --> 00:28:35,600
parents made her do.
I don't get it.

469
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:38,520
I, I don't, I can't relate to
that.

470
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:42,320
So that sounds harsh I know,
but.

471
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:46,000
It's not hard.
I mean, it's yeah, it's real.

472
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:50,280
And yeah.
So you discover 6 half siblings.

473
00:28:51,240 --> 00:28:53,560
Yep.
And so and it sounds like you're

474
00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:57,280
in good communication with with
five of them pretty much.

475
00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:58,800
Yeah, yeah.
Like I could.

476
00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:05,720
I've, I've met all of them.
I've met spouses for all except

477
00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:10,440
my baby sister has a, a newer
man in her life that I didn't

478
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:12,880
get to meet yet.
But he sounds like a great guy.

479
00:29:12,880 --> 00:29:14,800
And I think I would love him and
I think he'd love me.

480
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:19,000
So yeah, I feel like now my
brother, my mother's other son,

481
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:22,880
I think his wife is an evil,
evil force in the universe.

482
00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:25,480
And I don't care if she hears me
say that.

483
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:30,400
I'm not saying her name, but she
has caused a lot of division in

484
00:29:30,400 --> 00:29:38,880
the family and she accuses me
of, you know, trying to, I don't

485
00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:41,040
know, infiltrate?
I don't know what other word to

486
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:42,920
use.
That's a much bigger word than

487
00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:44,640
she could ever use.
So.

488
00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:47,600
So that sounds elitist.
And I can be at times, so I

489
00:29:47,600 --> 00:29:51,680
admit that.
But she is tries to villainize

490
00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:55,840
people who don't deserve to be
villainized, and I have no

491
00:29:55,840 --> 00:29:58,440
respect for that.
So no the.

492
00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:02,600
Nor, nor should you need to.
That's wild.

493
00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:05,320
Yeah.
So just even even with the joy

494
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:09,360
of discovering your family,
every family still has some

495
00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:11,640
level of dysfunction.
And there you go.

496
00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:12,600
So.
And I was.

497
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:16,920
Delusional about that.
I really was and and be and I

498
00:30:16,920 --> 00:30:19,880
joke with Corey and say it's
because he's got such a great

499
00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:21,960
family.
Like, I don't see that weird.

500
00:30:23,160 --> 00:30:26,280
Like when I hear about
dysfunctional families, I don't

501
00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,640
see those things happening in
Corey's family.

502
00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:31,760
And I never experienced it in my
adoptive family.

503
00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:37,080
So to suddenly be thrust into a
situation where my own mother

504
00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:40,760
doesn't want to speak, like it
feels like that couldn't be my

505
00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:43,640
life, you know what I mean?
Like, that just doesn't compute.

506
00:30:44,360 --> 00:30:44,800
But.
It's.

507
00:30:44,800 --> 00:30:46,560
You got the wrong script for
this part of your life.

508
00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:48,920
This isn't it's it's.
Bizarre.

509
00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:53,160
I still, eight years in, I'm
like, what the heck, you know?

510
00:30:54,520 --> 00:30:56,080
You're you're making
connections.

511
00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:57,640
You're going deeper.
Yeah.

512
00:30:57,640 --> 00:31:02,880
Your mom's resistant.
Was there any other surprises,

513
00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:08,000
discoveries in, in intermingling
with your, with your family?

514
00:31:08,320 --> 00:31:12,240
Yeah, Yeah.
I mean, God love her, I love my

515
00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:16,960
local sister and I hope she
hears this because she needs to

516
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:20,200
hear that I love her.
But we've had some moments.

517
00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:27,680
We've had, we've had some
difficult moments and he owns

518
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:34,120
most of it as as she should.
But and, you know, I don't

519
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:37,600
really feel comfortable going
into the details, but we really

520
00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:41,360
have had some moments.
And I love her dearly.

521
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:50,560
And and she used to say that she
it's horrible that she would say

522
00:31:50,560 --> 00:31:53,200
this.
I think about my brother Chris,

523
00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:55,040
who with whom she lived growing
up.

524
00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:59,400
But she'll, she'll say things
like aloud, like, oh, Kendall,

525
00:31:59,400 --> 00:32:01,720
you're the brother I always wish
I had.

526
00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:06,360
And it's like, OK, you know, so
I don't think she's trying to

527
00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:09,880
stir drama.
I think she's being real, but it

528
00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:12,880
can be very hurtful the way that
she says things.

529
00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:15,640
So that's been an adjustment for
me too.

530
00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:20,720
Again, I, I what I didn't have a
Pollyanna existence growing up,

531
00:32:20,720 --> 00:32:24,480
but I really just had, I was
surrounded by family members who

532
00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:26,720
respected each other and loved
each other.

533
00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:30,040
And if I guess if they were
saying weird things about each

534
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:33,320
other or must have been in
secret because I just didn't, I

535
00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:37,760
didn't have those experiences.
So to to have this new ish

536
00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:42,560
sister back then in 2018, who
would, you know, just like

537
00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:45,080
openly insult somebody right in
front of them.

538
00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:48,560
And, and I it was awkward the
first time and then the second

539
00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:50,960
time I was like, hold up, we're
not going there.

540
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:53,240
You know, I was like, I'm your
Big Brother and I'm going to

541
00:32:53,240 --> 00:32:55,560
tell you to set up and sit down
in the corner because you're not

542
00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:56,600
going there.
You know what I mean?

543
00:32:56,600 --> 00:33:00,800
Like and and it was funny, but
it was that was pretty real too.

544
00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:03,800
I'm like, I'm not used to
needing to be in charge, but

545
00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:07,880
somebody's got to take the reins
so.

546
00:33:08,120 --> 00:33:11,400
Was your father's side of the
family also in Louisiana?

547
00:33:12,600 --> 00:33:14,280
No.
So that's a crazy thing about

548
00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:20,560
the story when my both sets of
grandparents, both of my

549
00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:25,120
grandfathers were stationed on
the air base in on Cape Cod.

550
00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:30,880
And this was a different time.
This was 1970 and when my

551
00:33:30,880 --> 00:33:34,640
mother's pregnancy was
discovered, apparently both

552
00:33:34,640 --> 00:33:36,520
sides of the family tell me the
story.

553
00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:39,680
Both grandfathers were pulled
into the base commander's office

554
00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:43,280
and they said, he said to them,
well, one of you can stay, but

555
00:33:43,280 --> 00:33:46,480
one of you has to leave.
We, we're not going to accept

556
00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:53,600
this, you know, on base.
And so my mother's father chose

557
00:33:53,600 --> 00:33:58,480
to, he was from Arkansas
originally and he chose to move

558
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:01,560
to Little Rock so that he could
be closer to his, you know which

559
00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:03,600
I get it.
And he was married to my

560
00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:06,320
grandmother.
And so, you know, like my, my

561
00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:10,120
mother, my auntie, my
grandparents on my mother's

562
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:11,520
side, that's where they ended
up.

563
00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:16,280
And so I never even knew I had a
connection to New England until

564
00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:19,960
I've heard this whole story.
And I was like, oh, so my whole

565
00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:23,600
father's side has stayed on the
East Coast and my whole mother's

566
00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:28,320
side of the family has all
developed in the South and

567
00:34:28,639 --> 00:34:32,120
Midwest.
So it's interesting.

568
00:34:33,199 --> 00:34:35,679
I love dichotomies in life.
And that is definitely a

569
00:34:35,679 --> 00:34:39,600
dichotomy.
And you know, The funny thing is

570
00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:41,840
that like.
I don't want to.

571
00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:46,239
Ostracize the entire S but I
escaped as soon as I could and I

572
00:34:46,239 --> 00:34:51,840
would never go back and and so
it's ironic that I ended up

573
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:56,040
embracing the thankful
thankfully the East Coast side

574
00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:58,280
of the family and thought you
know what that's where we're

575
00:34:58,280 --> 00:35:01,240
going to end up.
We're not is my I love my sister

576
00:35:01,240 --> 00:35:05,520
in Arkansas, but she says oh you
know you should move down.

577
00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:10,360
I'm like, no honey, I I left
there and 1992 and I'm never

578
00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:13,280
going.
So you were.

579
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,360
In San Francisco, when you
discovered this scattered

580
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:19,080
family, learning about all this
history and how far goes back

581
00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:20,840
and all the dichotomies, right.
Yep.

582
00:35:21,240 --> 00:35:22,520
Yep.
Yeah.

583
00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:26,480
And so, and I know you,
something prompted a move for

584
00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:27,400
you.
So what was that?

585
00:35:27,680 --> 00:35:30,960
Yeah.
So Corey and I had a really

586
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:37,720
steady existence and we love to
this day, I will, I will die

587
00:35:37,720 --> 00:35:40,040
saying that San Francisco is my
favorite city in the world.

588
00:35:40,320 --> 00:35:42,800
And we felt like we had struck
gold.

589
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:47,160
We had such a wonderful set of
friends there that we developed

590
00:35:47,160 --> 00:35:50,080
over nine years.
We used to live in Saint Louis.

591
00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:54,120
We enterprise rent a car, who I
was working for at the time,

592
00:35:54,120 --> 00:35:58,680
moved us to San Francisco.
We wanted to go and we'd been

593
00:35:58,680 --> 00:36:01,240
there since 2008 and we loved
it.

594
00:36:01,960 --> 00:36:08,280
And we were able to buy a quote,
spacious 900 square foot condo,

595
00:36:08,280 --> 00:36:13,640
which in San Francisco Bay Area
was like, Oh my gosh, we

596
00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:16,320
actually hosted parties 'cause
we had the big place.

597
00:36:16,880 --> 00:36:19,400
So it was comical, but we loved
it.

598
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:22,480
It was great.
It was a, you know, we, we felt

599
00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:25,200
really like we had great
neighbors, like it was just a

600
00:36:25,200 --> 00:36:28,040
really good life and we had
great jobs.

601
00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:34,520
And I find this family in August
of 2018, we fly out to New

602
00:36:34,520 --> 00:36:39,840
England to visit my dad and the
other two kids who live here in

603
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:42,640
October.
And on the plane ride back home,

604
00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:45,840
Corey looks over at me and says,
yeah, so we're moving there.

605
00:36:47,080 --> 00:36:49,320
You know, he's like, you've
missed 47 years with these

606
00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:51,880
people who had been over the
course of that very short

607
00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:56,280
weekend, very, very welcoming,
you know, and I, my heart was

608
00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:58,720
full.
I could have never said no to

609
00:36:58,720 --> 00:37:03,320
his crazy idea.
And so by January, we had

610
00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:06,640
dropped everything and we were
living in New England.

611
00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:10,880
So it was crazy how quickly.
But that's kind of when we moved

612
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:12,920
from Saint Louis to San
Francisco.

613
00:37:12,920 --> 00:37:15,880
We did it very quickly too, over
the course of like two months.

614
00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:20,040
So we've done it before.
And he's like, we, we, we can

615
00:37:20,040 --> 00:37:21,800
make this happen.
And he's always right about

616
00:37:21,800 --> 00:37:24,360
those things.
And we've never looked back.

617
00:37:24,360 --> 00:37:27,160
It's been a wonderful, wonderful
move so that.

618
00:37:27,160 --> 00:37:31,120
Initial meeting must have been
something if it convinced both

619
00:37:31,120 --> 00:37:34,600
of you we're going to change our
entire lives and I, I don't

620
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:37,520
know.
If people haven't, if people

621
00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:43,520
have wanted siblings and they
finally get them and I'm I'm a

622
00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:47,240
very emotional person and this
is still super.

623
00:37:47,240 --> 00:37:49,760
It shouldn't be fresh.
It's almost 8 years old.

624
00:37:49,760 --> 00:37:55,400
But the moment of stepping off
that plane and seeing my

625
00:37:55,400 --> 00:38:01,480
brother's kids holding signs
saying over here, Uncle Kendall,

626
00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:05,040
over here, Uncle Corey, because
I'd never physically seen them

627
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:08,320
before.
It was, I don't know how to

628
00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:10,120
describe it.
It was one of the most moving

629
00:38:10,120 --> 00:38:12,320
things.
I will never We still have that.

630
00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:16,400
We have those framed, those
little signs that the kids who

631
00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:18,400
were much younger obviously were
holding.

632
00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:23,840
And I don't know, to go from
having 0 nieces and nephews to

633
00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:26,960
having 13 overnight was already
crazy.

634
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:30,760
But then to physically get to
hug these little creatures it,

635
00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:33,040
I, I've never felt anything like
it.

636
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:36,840
And my brother and my
sister-in-law and my sister and

637
00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:43,640
her son like, and of course my
dad, you know, I just, I still

638
00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:47,640
can't really describe it.
It, it, it's, I needed it.

639
00:38:47,640 --> 00:38:53,720
And I needed it in a way that I
didn't know after 30 years, my

640
00:38:53,720 --> 00:38:56,480
dad, my adoptive father, died in
87.

641
00:38:56,480 --> 00:39:01,160
And it was 30 years later that I
made this discovery in 2017.

642
00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:06,920
And those years seem to fly.
But then all of a sudden, they

643
00:39:06,920 --> 00:39:11,200
felt like really long, you know,
It's like, wow, holy shit.

644
00:39:11,200 --> 00:39:15,240
What have I been doing for 30
years, you know, and what I've

645
00:39:15,240 --> 00:39:18,000
been doing, and I know this
about myself now as I've been

646
00:39:18,040 --> 00:39:23,920
repressing so many emotions
about wanting family, about

647
00:39:23,920 --> 00:39:27,960
wanting to find these people who
I hoped were alive, you know, I

648
00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:31,480
had no clue.
I had no clue on.

649
00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:34,160
Meeting and getting them and
spending time with your your

650
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:35,840
newly found biological
relatives.

651
00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:39,040
Did you find any striking
similarities and habits or

652
00:39:39,040 --> 00:39:41,720
quarks or?
It's crazy.

653
00:39:41,720 --> 00:39:45,520
I mean, Corey and I still love
to walk in our dining room.

654
00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:51,800
We have photographs from that
era and just seeing my really,

655
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:55,640
two of my sisters from one for
my mother's side and one for my

656
00:39:55,640 --> 00:39:58,920
father's side, I just look so
much like them, like it's crazy.

657
00:39:59,160 --> 00:40:01,760
They would not make pretty men
and I wouldn't make a Pretty

658
00:40:01,760 --> 00:40:04,920
Woman.
But we do look so similar and I

659
00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:07,480
love it.
I love having that, you know,

660
00:40:07,480 --> 00:40:11,040
connection.
And I don't look so much like my

661
00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:13,680
local half brother, my dad's
other son, but Chris.

662
00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:18,160
But our mannerisms, I sometimes
we both chuckle when we're

663
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:20,680
together 'cause he'll do
something and I'll be like.

664
00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:24,640
I've seen, I've seen myself do
that so many times.

665
00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:27,920
You know, like you don't, you
don't know to expect those

666
00:40:27,920 --> 00:40:30,120
things.
You know, granted, there's some

667
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:33,240
affectations that I know I
picked up for my adoptive family

668
00:40:33,240 --> 00:40:36,800
too, of course, right.
But it's just so cool to think

669
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,920
that I hadn't had all these
years with these people.

670
00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:43,280
And to watch the physical
similarities is just crazy to

671
00:40:43,280 --> 00:40:44,760
me.
I just love it.

672
00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:49,200
So, So what led you and Corey to
start your podcast, Family

673
00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:53,720
Twist?
Well, you know, Corey says that

674
00:40:53,720 --> 00:40:57,720
I told my story in the first few
months about 30,000 times

675
00:40:58,000 --> 00:41:00,520
because every human I would
meet, I would be like, guess

676
00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:02,440
what just happened to me?
I just felt, you know what I

677
00:41:02,440 --> 00:41:04,160
mean?
Like I was so happy.

678
00:41:04,520 --> 00:41:08,760
And so the poor guy that would
get on the ferry.

679
00:41:08,760 --> 00:41:12,040
So I rode the ferry from we
lived on Alameda Island and I

680
00:41:12,040 --> 00:41:15,560
would ride the ferry over to San
Francisco every day to work.

681
00:41:15,880 --> 00:41:20,320
And there was a guy who always
had an ancestry.com backpack on

682
00:41:20,480 --> 00:41:21,960
and I knew he must work there,
right?

683
00:41:21,960 --> 00:41:23,760
Like what dweeb is going to wear
anyway?

684
00:41:23,880 --> 00:41:26,320
Sorry, I mean, most people are
not going to just support that.

685
00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:30,200
But anyway, so immediately after
I found the family, like he's

686
00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:33,200
literally in front of me in the
line waiting for the ferry and

687
00:41:33,200 --> 00:41:35,000
I'm sure it's 7:15 in the
morning.

688
00:41:35,240 --> 00:41:36,600
He did not want to hear my
story.

689
00:41:36,600 --> 00:41:39,760
But I was like, dude, dude, I
got to tell you, your company

690
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:41,440
rocks.
You guys help me, you know what

691
00:41:41,440 --> 00:41:43,640
I mean?
So that's just an example.

692
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:45,760
I just couldn't stop talking
about it.

693
00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:50,720
And Corey's like, we have to
help other people get their

694
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:55,040
voices heard.
And I think at this point, it

695
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:58,320
only been a few, I mean, a few
months, we started talking about

696
00:41:58,320 --> 00:42:00,080
it not when we really launched
the podcast.

697
00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:03,520
But Corey's like, you've had
such a weird experience with

698
00:42:03,520 --> 00:42:06,200
your mother that this is
obvious.

699
00:42:06,240 --> 00:42:08,480
This has got to be happening to
other people, you know?

700
00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:13,920
So we wanted to tell the good
stories and the troubling ones,

701
00:42:13,920 --> 00:42:17,320
you know, the people who really
have struggled with the

702
00:42:17,320 --> 00:42:21,320
rejection.
And we wanted to give them a

703
00:42:21,320 --> 00:42:23,600
voice.
And there was already this

704
00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:27,120
amazing community that I didn't
even know existed that I'm so

705
00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:32,520
happy to be a part of now.
But if I can help bring to light

706
00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:37,240
these stories, that's our goal,
you know, and to to normalize it

707
00:42:37,400 --> 00:42:40,920
so that people don't feel
ostracized, that they don't and

708
00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:43,880
they understand other people are
going through some of the same

709
00:42:44,280 --> 00:42:48,920
stuff that that you are.
So that's been really important

710
00:42:48,920 --> 00:42:50,760
to me.
And Corey.

711
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:52,920
Yeah.
So through the show, have you

712
00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:55,920
encountered people who wish they
had never taken that DNA test?

713
00:42:56,640 --> 00:43:02,280
Yes, and you know, it's funny
because mine has overwhelmingly

714
00:43:02,280 --> 00:43:06,480
be been a positive experience.
But I get it.

715
00:43:06,480 --> 00:43:10,120
If I had to deal with too many
more jackies in my life, that

716
00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:13,440
would be, you know, I'd start
questioning, like Corey, was

717
00:43:13,440 --> 00:43:18,360
that a great birthday gift?
You know, but it's it's, you

718
00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:22,360
know, you take you have to just
like count your blessings,

719
00:43:22,360 --> 00:43:24,960
right?
Like I I wouldn't trade it.

720
00:43:25,240 --> 00:43:29,320
You know, I don't care if Jackie
ever embraces me.

721
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:33,720
I don't care.
I have found my people.

722
00:43:33,840 --> 00:43:35,760
You know what I mean?
Like you don't even have to

723
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:38,320
admit that you're my people.
You're still my people.

724
00:43:38,320 --> 00:43:40,720
You know what I mean?
Like it's just and you want it

725
00:43:40,720 --> 00:43:45,160
or not exactly.
And, and I'm everybody thinks

726
00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:48,320
they're a good guy, but I'm a
good guy and she's missing out

727
00:43:48,320 --> 00:43:51,640
and I'm, I am too.
I mean, I, I would, I, I don't

728
00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:56,400
have it as much anymore.
But for the first five solid

729
00:43:56,400 --> 00:44:01,160
years after I found the family,
I had this recurring nightmare

730
00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:05,800
that she died and I never got to
speak to her, you know, and in

731
00:44:05,800 --> 00:44:07,440
reality, that could still
happen.

732
00:44:07,600 --> 00:44:09,560
Now.
Am I more OK with it now?

733
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:14,200
Yeah, 'cause I feel like this is
on her, you know, I, I can't do

734
00:44:14,200 --> 00:44:17,800
more than I've done.
And what I mean by that is, you

735
00:44:17,800 --> 00:44:21,520
know, the very first Christmas,
so literally 3 months after I

736
00:44:21,520 --> 00:44:25,320
found that side of the family, I
sent her a Christmas gift and

737
00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:29,840
she, my sisters watched her.
I sent it to my, I mentioned

738
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:32,040
that my baby sister lives next
door to her.

739
00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:35,000
I sent it to my baby sister,
made her take it.

740
00:44:35,080 --> 00:44:37,680
My mother shouldn't have
involved my sister's this way,

741
00:44:37,680 --> 00:44:40,840
but I did.
And she said, you know, both

742
00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:42,240
sisters said that she picked it
up.

743
00:44:42,800 --> 00:44:44,960
She looked at it, she set it
aside.

744
00:44:45,280 --> 00:44:50,800
She never mentioned it, you
know, and to me, like I'm used

745
00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:53,560
to Southern hospitality.
The least she could have done

746
00:44:53,560 --> 00:44:56,280
was tell him I I don't need
anything.

747
00:44:56,280 --> 00:44:59,040
But thank you.
Like, she didn't even give me

748
00:44:59,040 --> 00:45:02,280
that whole of acknowledgement.
And I was like, oh, this is

749
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:03,680
going to be a tough one.
You know what I mean?

750
00:45:03,680 --> 00:45:06,880
Like, this is, and I'm so not
built like that.

751
00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:10,440
Even if I never wanted to see
that gift, I would have said,

752
00:45:10,840 --> 00:45:13,440
hey, girls, tell him I, you
know, thank you.

753
00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:18,040
But yeah, so it's not.
Just her not being willing to

754
00:45:18,040 --> 00:45:20,960
talk to you.
It's even the contact of

755
00:45:20,960 --> 00:45:22,400
receiving something from you.
Yep.

756
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:24,120
Yep.
Yeah.

757
00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:27,080
So it is what it is.
You know, I I say that

758
00:45:27,800 --> 00:45:30,080
nonchalantly and I don't feel
that way.

759
00:45:31,320 --> 00:45:32,960
It's still hurtful.
I don't.

760
00:45:33,000 --> 00:45:36,080
I don't know how it ever could
not be you.

761
00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:43,440
Know no matter what age we are
the love of our moms is innately

762
00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:49,040
no needed asked for it's thought
out so there's there's there's

763
00:45:49,040 --> 00:45:52,840
no wrongness in how you're
feeling for sure and the and.

764
00:45:52,920 --> 00:45:56,600
Another, you know, positive
thing that I always reflect on,

765
00:45:56,600 --> 00:46:01,000
and I'm not, I might mean not,
maybe not daily, but definitely

766
00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:05,120
a few times a week, is how much
my adoptive mother and father

767
00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:09,760
loved me.
Like I can't have felt more love

768
00:46:09,760 --> 00:46:13,080
from two people.
And thank God I'm, I know I only

769
00:46:13,080 --> 00:46:16,600
had them like my mom died when I
was 10 and my dad when I was 16.

770
00:46:16,920 --> 00:46:23,040
But what they instilled in me is
will always be with me, will

771
00:46:23,040 --> 00:46:26,160
always.
I mean, they were very loving

772
00:46:26,160 --> 00:46:30,680
people to each other, to the
community, to me, to their

773
00:46:30,680 --> 00:46:33,280
friends.
They were just lovely people.

774
00:46:33,280 --> 00:46:37,560
And there's a lot, it's funny,
I've learned about the adoption

775
00:46:38,080 --> 00:46:43,560
community that there's this real
movement to try to eradicate

776
00:46:43,560 --> 00:46:48,760
adoption.
And I get the concept in that we

777
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:52,360
shouldn't normalize it to the
point that it's OK for my

778
00:46:52,360 --> 00:46:55,160
grandparents to say, no, you
can't keep the child.

779
00:46:55,440 --> 00:46:57,200
I think that's where it's coming
from.

780
00:46:57,200 --> 00:47:02,000
But I, I don't want to diminish
the contributions that people

781
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:06,120
like my parents, my, the Austins
gave to me.

782
00:47:06,760 --> 00:47:12,800
They, I don't know where I would
have ended up, you know, and

783
00:47:12,800 --> 00:47:14,320
could I have been aborted?
Yes.

784
00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:16,720
I mean, you know, like they're,
they're all these things that go

785
00:47:16,720 --> 00:47:19,840
through your mind.
But and that's the only thing I

786
00:47:19,840 --> 00:47:23,080
could say to the people in on
that side of the community who

787
00:47:23,080 --> 00:47:28,840
are very militant and not really
that accepting of these kinds of

788
00:47:28,840 --> 00:47:33,200
stories because they feel like
it just has no place in society.

789
00:47:33,200 --> 00:47:37,280
And I'm like, well, until we
find a different alternative.

790
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:41,520
I don't, I don't it it, it, it
does work sometimes, right.

791
00:47:41,520 --> 00:47:45,560
And I was surrounded by my
parents, friends who for whom it

792
00:47:45,560 --> 00:47:50,000
also worked very well.
Yeah, I could I try to see both

793
00:47:50,000 --> 00:47:52,560
sides of it.
And we've had some guests on the

794
00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:56,120
podcast on Family Twist that we
haven't agreed with the but

795
00:47:56,160 --> 00:47:59,600
we're also telling, letting them
tell their stories as well.

796
00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:03,880
But what I'm also trying to do
is slip in a little of my

797
00:48:03,880 --> 00:48:06,520
goodness, you know what I mean?
Like, but you should have met my

798
00:48:06,520 --> 00:48:08,600
parents.
They were great, you know, and,

799
00:48:08,600 --> 00:48:13,640
and, but most, so many adoptees,
that isn't their experience, you

800
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:18,720
know, So, yeah, it's, it's, it's
so complicated.

801
00:48:19,160 --> 00:48:21,400
Yeah.
So, Kendall, what's the best way

802
00:48:21,400 --> 00:48:24,360
for people to find everything
that you're up to and learn more

803
00:48:24,360 --> 00:48:29,640
about Family Twist Well.
We are very active on Instagram,

804
00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:33,360
so we do post constantly, but we
do have a, a website

805
00:48:33,360 --> 00:48:37,960
calledfamilytwistpodcast.com
where you get to learn a little

806
00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:43,040
bit about us as well as you can
see show notes and, you know,

807
00:48:43,040 --> 00:48:46,480
listen to the episodes there.
Of course, for, you know,

808
00:48:47,360 --> 00:48:51,000
algorithms, we'd much rather you
find us on other platforms,

809
00:48:51,080 --> 00:48:53,720
right?
But because we are on Spotify

810
00:48:53,720 --> 00:48:59,080
and all the the stuff, but and,
and we love it.

811
00:48:59,080 --> 00:49:04,280
We we have really felt embraced
by that community.

812
00:49:05,200 --> 00:49:10,520
And I always say to Corey, and
I'd say it pretty often on the

813
00:49:10,520 --> 00:49:12,680
podcast, I didn't know how much
I needed it.

814
00:49:12,760 --> 00:49:15,680
I did.
I've been through therapy for

815
00:49:15,680 --> 00:49:21,840
many years, you know, which I
which I wholly embrace, but I

816
00:49:21,840 --> 00:49:25,120
didn't know how much I needed to
find my family.

817
00:49:25,720 --> 00:49:29,160
Yeah, well.
Kendall, I really want to thank

818
00:49:29,160 --> 00:49:32,120
you for taking the time sharing
your story with us.

819
00:49:32,120 --> 00:49:37,440
Your, your authenticity, your
vulnerability, the amount of joy

820
00:49:37,440 --> 00:49:42,000
you carry is striking because
you've gone through so many

821
00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:45,640
traumas.
I mean, adopted, orphaned,

822
00:49:46,080 --> 00:49:49,880
rejected, but also finding love
later in this found family.

823
00:49:49,880 --> 00:49:52,600
And so it's been a roller
coaster and a half.

824
00:49:52,600 --> 00:49:55,120
It sounds like it has.
But you know what?

825
00:49:55,200 --> 00:50:00,320
I, I think sometimes it's easy
to say that I choose to be

826
00:50:00,320 --> 00:50:03,400
joyful, but I think part of it,
that's half the battle, right?

827
00:50:03,680 --> 00:50:08,520
Like having the right mindset
and feeling grateful for what

828
00:50:08,520 --> 00:50:12,760
you have.
And I am so, so fortunate.

829
00:50:13,400 --> 00:50:17,080
I really am.
To have the partner that I have

830
00:50:17,080 --> 00:50:21,080
who has supported me through all
this craziness, helped get our

831
00:50:21,160 --> 00:50:26,280
little family of animals out
here from San Francisco, you

832
00:50:26,280 --> 00:50:29,040
know, it, it's been a it's been
a wonderful ride.

833
00:50:29,160 --> 00:50:30,000
And it's not over.
Yeah.

834
00:50:31,240 --> 00:50:33,160
Indeed.
Awesome, Kendall.

835
00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:34,640
Thanks again.
Thanks for joining us,

836
00:50:34,640 --> 00:50:36,840
everybody.
Please visit realmanfield.org.

837
00:50:36,840 --> 00:50:38,720
See the blog post for this
episode, which will have all the

838
00:50:38,720 --> 00:50:40,400
various links and resources that
we discussed.

839
00:50:40,720 --> 00:50:43,120
Wherever you're discovering Real
Man Field, please subscribe,

840
00:50:43,120 --> 00:50:46,160
follow, like, share this episode
with somebody, post a review or

841
00:50:46,160 --> 00:50:48,320
a comment.
If you are not living your life

842
00:50:48,320 --> 00:50:50,640
to the fullest, I invite you to
book a free Clarity call with

843
00:50:50,640 --> 00:50:52,360
me.
We'll explore what you want and

844
00:50:52,360 --> 00:50:56,120
what's on your way.
Visit theandygrant.com/talk and

845
00:50:56,120 --> 00:50:58,240
until next time, be good to
yourself.