Life After A Suicide Attempt | Sharing Lived Experiences

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Greetings, and welcome to real
men.

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Feel, this is your host author,
coach, and Taylor, and e-grant.

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You can learn more about me by
visiting.

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The integrand.com real men.
Feel is here to remind men that

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they are human beings and they
have the right to experience and

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express all of their emotions.
We have conversations that most

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men aren't having.
But that all men can benefit

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from now before we get going
today, I want to warn everyone

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that we will be discussing
suicide attempts.

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If you are in crisis right now,
don't listen get Help text or

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call 988 and the United States,
there's help available 24 hours

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a day for other countries.
Please visit find a helpline.com

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for options near you.
So, again, text or call 988 or

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visit find a helpline.
All one word.com, the goal of

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this episode is that our shared
experiences as suicide, attempt

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survivors, offers, hope and
encouragement to others, perhaps

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to you and raises awareness
about the importance of mental,

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health and suicide.
Prevention, the World Health

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Organization estimates that
800,000 people die by Suicide

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each year.
And that number is surely an

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underreported number in 2020
alone.

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It is estimated at one point two
million people made an attempt

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to end their life.
What isn't talked about enough

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in my mind is that millions of
people go on to live a full

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healthy lives after making it
attempt.

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My guest today is her bmac
Herbie was born and raised in

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the South Bronx of New York
where he saw A drug abuse and

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gang violence in experienced
family.

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Trauma that caused him to
oppression as a child teenager

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and adult this.
Let her be to become a

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functional alcoholic for over 11
years due to an inability to

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express his emotions.
Effectively Herbie was unaware

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of the signs of suicide ideation
which led him to attempting

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suicide multiple times.
After his last attempt and years

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of healing, he decided not to
keep his suicide attempts to

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himself Herbies.
Now using his story and

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experience to advocate for
suicide.

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Prevention awareness, teach the
signs Of suicide ideation and

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normalizing asking for help.
Welcome to real men feel Herbie.

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Thank you.
Thank you for having me.

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I appreciate it.
Andy.

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And I really want to take a
moment to Appreciate and give

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respect for the fact that we are
both alive.

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We both tried to make that not
be true.

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I often joke about when I tell
my stories that I was I was a

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slow learner and it took me
multiple you know, so-called

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failed attempts to realize.
All right?

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Maybe I'm supposed to be here,
maybe I'm supposed to be alive.

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So I wonder it was that, was
that a part of your thinking,

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why why you kept making attempts
to do?

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But like, what, why multiple I
was hurt.

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I was hurt during my, my
journey, I was going through so

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many emotions and as a man, they
never really changed me how to

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express those emotions, right?
Anyways, he expressed it.

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If you you know, drink or if
you, you know, do something

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extreme like exercising like way
too much or just not even

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talking about your feelings.
So during this time, I was

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hurting, I didn't know how to
express myself.

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I didn't know how to Act like a
human was more like a robot and

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I was just feeling numb and I
just wanted the Pain to End.

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So it was in your experience is
primarily an emotional pain, was

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there physical pain as well?
Like what was your experience of

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that you're trying to end?
Emotional.

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Yeah, more emotional, just the
things of of not experiencing

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love right, from from people
that I look up to, and I didn't

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know how to love myself.
I'm looking for love in all the

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wrong places, and not having
that moment to love myself.

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I was just like, wood, what am I
doing here?

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And, before we get to further, I
want to ask you.

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And, and this, if this is
different then, and now please

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Make it clear.
But how do you define a suicide

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attempts?
How do I defined it aside for

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help?
That's it.

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When I was when I was in my
teens and 20s and making

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multiple attempts, I only
counted it.

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Like I had made an attempt if I
ended up in the hospital.

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Like, if I try, if I, if no one
found me, if I didn't like hurt

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myself enough to matter, I don't
even count that.

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So that get, that's kind of what
I meant.

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Like, would 10.
Know you all know, what did you

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have to do to consider yourself
that?

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Like, wow, I made an attempt on
my life.

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What what what?
What was there?

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A barrier to cross to make that
true for you at all?

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Yes, it was a it was multiple
barriers a, my journey.

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I every attempt I tried I
counted and that was just trying

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to you the extreme to make the
pain in, right?

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I don't want to give anybody any
ideas, but doing the extreme to

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just say, I want this hurt the
end.

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I want to stop feeling empty
inside, I want to stop feeling

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Not love and not loving myself.
I just want I just want to stop.

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Yeah, that's my experience.
When a lot of people I talk to.

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I didn't necessarily want to
die.

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I wanted what I was experiencing
to stop.

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Yes yes.
For sure.

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If you want I can give my story
if that's up to you.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.
Share.

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Share what you want to share
right now?

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Sure sure appreciate it.
So I'm just going to give a

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trigger warning for those.
Waking up to the sound of

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someone, being it at my door, as
I opened the door.

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I realized this, my
ex-girlfriend, she's like,

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herpes.
Why do you look like that?

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Why do you smell like that?
Hello.

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Are you going to answer me the
whole time?

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I'm trying to decide if I should
tell her the truth because every

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male told me I can't be weak.
I can't be vulnerable.

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I have to man up She these
words, I love you.

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I'm here for you.
So I decided to tell the truth.

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This is the third day in a row.
I attempted suicide and honestly

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would have been a fourth of you
didn't come knocking and soon as

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she starts crying.
She hands me her phone and tells

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me to call the suicide
prevention Lifeline number.

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So I did has I'm on the phone.
I'm speaking to the counselor

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she said sir on a scale of one
to ten, how do you feel today?

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As I replied - tend to be honest
with you, this is the first time

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in my life.
I don't trust myself by myself.

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So she recommended check myself
and said Behavior Health Center.

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So I did as I'm never getting
evaluated by a couple of nurses.

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In one of the male nurses,
stopped me and said, look, I

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don't know if you believe in God
or not, but I've been doing this

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for years.
You don't belong here.

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God's going to use you to share
your story and touch out the

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lives at the moment.
I had no idea what he's talking

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about.
To be honest with you.

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I just wanted my pillow my
blanket and cry.

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No.
No one thinks about attempting

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suicide to let alone.
Being in a place like this few

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moments passed by, I'm getting
evaluated by the psychiatrist.

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He just glances that.
My phallus is take this, as

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something said Herbie, this
doesn't feel right speak up.

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It doesn't feel right?
So I did take what, what am I

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taking this for?
He glances that my Fallon says,

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oh, you're from the Bronx.
I know people from the Bronx

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have a low IQ.
I can't really read and write

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that.
Well, I just want to put this

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out there.
When people do lady was that,

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you please tell them labels are
made for jars.

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Not people.
Since he didn't want to

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communicate with me nor care to.
I went right back to that same

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male.
Nurses said, look man I don't

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trust that guy.
Is there anything I can do to

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empower my mental health?
He said.

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Yeah, try journaler, I'm gonna
give you a notepad and a pen.

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Oh well a pencil.
So I'm drawing in a realizing,

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the trigger of my depression was
my parents.

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The fact that they didn't teach
me how to love myself.

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Here I am dating.
Someone else hoping that they

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could teach me how to love
myself.

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It sounds ridiculous every time
I think about it.

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As I kept drilling, I realize I
was a functioning alcoholic

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here.
I am drinking to numb my pain.

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Instead of understanding my
page, a few days passed by have

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to see another psychiatrist.
She's like, Herbie, why are you

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not taking the prescription?
We provide for you, we believe

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you're bipolar one.
And I was like, I was first time

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I heard it.
The first psychiatrist never

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said anything, just told me to
take this, so she gives me a

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couple of tests and after hour
or two, I passed everything.

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She's like, okay.
Everything's fine.

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You don't seem like you have
bipolar, you just seem like

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you're depressed.
So do me a favor.

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I'm going to release you, but
you have to go seek therapy.

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And I'm going to be honest with
you.

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I was broke so therapy.
I was like, I can't afford that.

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That guy home.
I typed in how to love yourself

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on cou, cou discovered something
called positive affirmations.

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Never heard of it a day in my
life, but since I was in dire

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needs, I was like, oh well.
Imma Be extreme with the I put

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sticky notes everywhere from the
mirror to the bathroom, to my

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bedroom, to my refrigerator, to
even in my car.

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A few days passed by some of my
friends found out that I was

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having suicidal ideation and I
attempted, so they want their

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cheer me up by taking me out
since my nickname was anything

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possible for the fact that I
love Hennessy so much.

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But I discovered something
called Boundaries, look, bro.

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I love you.
I can't go out with you because

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when I start drinking, I turned
into that Incredible Hulk, and I

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can't control that, man.
They didn't get it, but they

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respected.
So, I kept journaling, and as I

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started journaling, I discovered
something called forgiveness.

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You see I did forget, my parents
were not teaching me how to love

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myself due to the fact of they
lost a daughter who died of

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brain cancer.
I lost a sister who died of

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brain cancer so they was
depressed.

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Then I had to forgive myself for
trying to damage my body and

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trying to end my life because I
was depressed.

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And I also started doing
something.

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I've never done before, I looked
in the mirror, so I can tell

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myself, you are loved.
You are smart.

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You can't change the world only
if you just believe.

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So, I got the first marker, I
found, and I wrote on my mirror,

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as big as I can just believe But
those who are ever wondering

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about that ex-girlfriend, I came
knocking on my door, she's not

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my wife.
She blessed me with two amazing

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kids.
You see?

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I shared this story every time
because I personally went from

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hopelessness to happiness During
this journey, I know it's very

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challenging and it can be
difficult but I just want to

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provide hope for others.
Thank you for allowing.

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Just need to share a little part
of my story.

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Awesome.
And thank you for your bravery

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and willingness to do so.
You know, I firmly believe that

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the way we prevent suicide is by
talking about suicide because

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of, so my attempts were began in
my early teens and the only

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place I heard anyone else, talk
about feeling suicidal was in a

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mental hospital, which made it
seem even crazier that I'm just,

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you know, nobody thinks this way
and unfortunately, most people

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have the thought And something I
learned early on was that, you

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know well it's just a thought
and a thought can be changed and

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they can take effort.
That's why positive affirmations

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work.
In my experience.

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You it gives you a new thought
to focus on and repeat and even

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if you keep coming back to a
shitty old thought time and time

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again, you just means you're so
used to it.

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So tape that make that effort.
But I've written two books on

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affirmations and I love them too
because they're, yeah, they're

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free.
Yes, you everyone.

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You can have a mirror and doing
them with more work.

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Like I remember when I first
started like, Ah, I think was

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like, 2006.
And I tried to like I couldn't

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even hold eye contact with
myself in a mirror.

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I was so disgusted with myself
and Dad discovering self-love

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like, what does that mean?
That now then would they were

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00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:50,100
foreign words to me.
So, right there with you, man.

226
00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:53,100
And and the Forgiveness aspect
to.

227
00:11:53,100 --> 00:11:56,600
So, my attempts were spread over
multiple years.

228
00:11:57,100 --> 00:12:00,000
And I remember, I did this
holotropic breathwork experience

229
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:01,800
where you kind of really go in
this altered state and this

230
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:05,700
inner wisdom and healer takes
over. / and I was bawling and

231
00:12:05,700 --> 00:12:08,800
sobbing at the beauty of life
and that I try to thrown it

232
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:11,100
away.
And after it, it was the first

233
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:14,400
time I realized like, wow, I've
survived attempted murder and it

234
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,100
was from me.
So, I, again, that forgiveness

235
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,500
you talk about is Sookie.
I don't get talked about enough.

236
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:23,000
So, you know, one of the first
things I find most beneficial,

237
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:26,200
if you've made an attempt to end
your life and you're alive first

238
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:29,600
like, forgive yourself for
whatever brought you there,

239
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:32,600
forgive yourself for that
decision, and be grateful that

240
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:36,500
you survived it.
And I've met some people that

241
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:38,200
made an attempt.
It didn't work, and they like,

242
00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:41,300
huh, you know, they see the
light and praise God, I'm alive

243
00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:43,400
and they never really met.
They're on the path.

244
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:45,200
They like their feel good from
then on.

245
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,400
But some of you are saying you
did three days in a row so you

246
00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,500
didn't have that experience of
like, yep, didn't work.

247
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:52,400
That means I'm spoiled and I was
the same way again.

248
00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:57,200
I was this really so I was good
in school but I was stupid as

249
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,500
hell when it came to life.
Yeah.

250
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:02,900
I kept having to test it and
like, am I really supposed to be

251
00:13:02,908 --> 00:13:04,200
here an hour?
Supposed to be here.

252
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:08,900
And finally, for me, it wasn't
until I had, I had tried to kill

253
00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:12,100
myself using a means that had
already not worked.

254
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:16,000
So, I'm doing the same thing
over the definition of insanity,

255
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,000
right?
I'm doing the same thing over

256
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,700
expecting a different result and
I find like there's got to be a

257
00:13:19,700 --> 00:13:24,500
reason, like why?
So for me I found out and I know

258
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:26,600
you got there to being of
service somehow.

259
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:30,400
Sharing your pain, makes your
pain better and can help others

260
00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:34,500
as well.
Yeah, you know for myself man it

261
00:13:34,508 --> 00:13:36,500
was so much that you you talked
about.

262
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,700
Myself, the Forgiveness part was
the hardest thing.

263
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:48,000
Great.
I didn't know how to forgive not

264
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:49,500
to say.
I'm a bitter person.

265
00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:53,600
It was just like the
expectations that you have as a

266
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,500
kid is like man.
I'm gonna grow up and going to

267
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:58,800
go to achieve all these dreams
and expectations are so high.

268
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:02,100
I'm going to reach it all by the
age of like 25 and then when you

269
00:14:02,100 --> 00:14:06,400
turn 25 you're like wait wait
wait, life is a way harder than

270
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:10,600
what I thought it would be and I
had to learn.

271
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:14,900
What does that look like?
And every day I struggle with

272
00:14:14,900 --> 00:14:19,100
that struggle with it, for a
minimum of three years.

273
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:23,500
And then, one day, I got
inspired, I got a picture of

274
00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:27,600
myself, it's in my office, I'm
like three years old, and I had

275
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:31,300
to write a love letter to
forgive that three-year-old,

276
00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:32,500
right?
Like, hey, I'm sorry for

277
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:33,700
everything that you've been
through.

278
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:37,800
Sorry that you didn't receive
the love that you wanted to as a

279
00:14:37,808 --> 00:14:40,900
child.
I'm sorry for everything.

280
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:44,600
And if you feel like nobody was
there, I Apologize for that and

281
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:47,900
I read that letter, I said on
that letter probably no, two to

282
00:14:47,900 --> 00:14:51,400
six months.
And then I went back into like

283
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:55,500
that kid mindset.
And I wrote a letter saying

284
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:59,200
thank you.
Thank you for for being there

285
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:02,400
now.
And all of that letter was just

286
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,900
allow me to forgive everything
that I had experience.

287
00:15:04,900 --> 00:15:08,200
Allowed me to forgive the
journey that I went through.

288
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,100
And then I think you let
everything.

289
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:12,400
Thank you for being there.
Now, we're going to grow up to

290
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:16,600
be the man that we can be, and
we will be and we could do it

291
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:21,900
together, not just helped me so
much and I didn't want to share

292
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:24,600
my story.
Not because I'm embarrassed or

293
00:15:24,608 --> 00:15:26,200
anything like that.
I don't want to share my story.

294
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:30,000
Due to the fact of, you know,
it's something taboo.

295
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,400
We don't, we don't talk about
it, you know, in my community,

296
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:35,300
in the black community, we don't
talk about attempts.

297
00:15:35,300 --> 00:15:39,300
We are talk about mental health,
you say, you want to end your

298
00:15:39,300 --> 00:15:43,100
life, then they W, as you said,
crazy.

299
00:15:43,100 --> 00:15:46,600
Quote, unquote.
And I didn't, obviously, I don't

300
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:50,600
want anybody to pick on me,
right?

301
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:53,500
Because mentally, I'm recovering
from a temp, and I don't know if

302
00:15:53,500 --> 00:15:55,800
I'm strong enough to to, to take
on that.

303
00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,000
And after the experience of
dealing with that, that

304
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,100
psychiatrists who is no longer
in the field.

305
00:16:02,100 --> 00:16:05,000
Think thankfully, he had his
license.

306
00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:09,300
Revoked, I really just sat
there, and I was just like, you

307
00:16:09,308 --> 00:16:12,400
know what?
Let me just go and go go, and

308
00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,300
just look at the numbers of
attempts, how many people

309
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:20,400
actually survived.
And then when I saw the That the

310
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,000
sad numbers of how many people
die every year.

311
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:28,100
I got to help.
I gotta say something just

312
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:31,600
because I can potentially save
one person.

313
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,800
Maybe they might just say, he'll
wait, there's hope.

314
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:38,200
And that's when I started
sharing my stories once I went.

315
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,700
And I saw the numbers I was just
like, oh my like this is, this

316
00:16:41,700 --> 00:16:44,400
is a real thing.
I didn't know that, you know,

317
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:48,800
Yeah, I'm always amazed that
often a suicide attempt refer to

318
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,500
called.
It's a cry for help.

319
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:53,800
And it said I've heard that used
like as a relative.

320
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:57,400
I sort of like it's just a cry
for help yet if a building is on

321
00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:00,000
fire and I'm fire fire.
That's a cry for help.

322
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,300
And people pay attention that
they don't make a, that's just

323
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:05,300
fire.
But but for somehow a Swiss m is

324
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:09,500
again, there's this all this
stigma and shame built into it.

325
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:13,200
And and I've always thought that
if there's kind of You know,

326
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:16,000
we're all one energy and
whatever religion, you are,

327
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:17,800
typically the most people
recognize that there's some sort

328
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:22,099
of business sense of Oneness.
And there's this, there's this

329
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:26,099
soul of a bond that we're all in
this together and somehow, one

330
00:17:26,099 --> 00:17:29,100
person opting out intentionally
trying to end their life.

331
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:31,100
I think it just disrupts us so
much.

332
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,900
It's beyond words, even as the
sense of like, wait a minute,

333
00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:36,700
you you can't do that.
We're in this together was

334
00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:38,900
supposed to get, we're on the
same team, what's happening?

335
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:43,300
And I always thought that.
Kind of how suicide can seem to

336
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:46,900
like spread through a community.
It's that seeing someone take

337
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:50,800
that action, it almost like
makes everyone go inside and go.

338
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:54,900
Well if if they went that dark,
am I that dark as well?

339
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:58,500
Like am I just one bad
circumstance away from doing

340
00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:02,200
that myself and I can when I
think it's so important to talk

341
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:05,000
about it because the more you
talk about him realize, oh you

342
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,400
feel that same way, do you feel
that same?

343
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:07,800
Oh, you went through this last
year?

344
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,500
Like oh, we are all together.
All right, but it's when when we

345
00:18:10,500 --> 00:18:14,000
get ice, Isolated and withdrawn
only to ourselves that's when

346
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,200
that's when we're at our
weakest.

347
00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:20,300
Yes, exactly.
It's one of the things that I

348
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,800
want to normalize the
conversation.

349
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:25,800
Let's break the stigma, right?
If it's a crime, I think people

350
00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:28,900
look at it, like, oh, it's a cry
for help because they can't see

351
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:31,400
it.
Like, as you said in an example

352
00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:34,900
of the house, burning or the
building burning people can see

353
00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:36,700
it.
So let's go, let's help us help.

354
00:18:36,900 --> 00:18:39,600
But they can't see it because
it's a mental thing, right?

355
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,000
It's mentally.
It's not something that's

356
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,500
displayed.
Like, if I break my arm, you can

357
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:45,000
see that.
But you can't see that on the

358
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,500
inside.
I'm broken or I feel broken or I

359
00:18:47,508 --> 00:18:49,700
have a broken heart or I feel
like I'm worthy.

360
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:52,900
Not worthy.
But I'm I've hopelessness right.

361
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:56,900
And that people don't get it was
like, oh well, I'm having a bad

362
00:18:56,900 --> 00:18:59,800
day too and it's like, it's not
a bad day that I'm having.

363
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:04,900
I'm having a moment where I
don't know if I'm going to make

364
00:19:04,900 --> 00:19:08,800
it to tomorrow in some people
may be overwhelmed by that.

365
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,600
Yeah, yeah.
Own anyone like well, we'll do

366
00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:14,700
what do you mean?
You know, and they made walk

367
00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:17,100
away.
Some people may call 911 and I

368
00:19:17,108 --> 00:19:19,700
think if we normalize it we can
actually teach others.

369
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:21,700
Oh hey.
There's a simple number that you

370
00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:25,800
can call 988, if you're
uncomfortable, they have a text

371
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,600
line as well.
You can text it out it.

372
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:32,700
So just just doing that.
I can see it a lot especially

373
00:19:32,700 --> 00:19:36,400
ever since the the whole world
changes is 20/20.

374
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,100
Now, people understand when
someone is struggling mentally

375
00:19:40,400 --> 00:19:42,600
like, oh man, I'm on lockdown, I
can't leave the house and it's

376
00:19:42,608 --> 00:19:43,900
like that's how we feel
mentally.

377
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,100
Please help us understand and
where to go.

378
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:51,700
And what not?
Do you think if?

379
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:56,600
If what you did after your last
attempt to make that your last

380
00:19:56,600 --> 00:20:00,400
attempt, could you have done
those things earlier, or did you

381
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,600
need the multiple attempts?
Like I did to get to make it

382
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:08,100
something sink in for you?
I need it.

383
00:20:08,100 --> 00:20:11,800
I need the last time.
I needed that.

384
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:19,300
Because that last attempt I
lasted time I needed that to

385
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:24,100
experience what I'm capable of,
right?

386
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:27,300
I always thought that.
Yeah, I'm a smart guy, you know,

387
00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:30,900
I can I can handle everything
but I always thought that I

388
00:20:30,900 --> 00:20:33,800
didn't have the strength to, to
heal.

389
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,100
I needed that.
I actually needed that that

390
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:40,400
psychiatrist be honest with you.
He was like, you know, if I was

391
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:44,700
Batman he was like my Joker.
I volunteered myself in that and

392
00:20:44,700 --> 00:20:48,700
I place and, you know, when you
volunteer 72 hours, you're

393
00:20:48,708 --> 00:20:55,900
supposed to be there and he had
kept me for five days because I

394
00:20:55,900 --> 00:20:59,300
refuse to take whatever he
provided for me and in.

395
00:20:59,300 --> 00:21:04,500
And that gave me a voice.
Like, oh, man, I my whole life,

396
00:21:04,500 --> 00:21:07,300
I never realized, I had a voice
to stand up for myself in that

397
00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:12,000
type of setting. it was a switch
you know it was like wait, I

398
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:18,400
came Here for help.
I'm I need a service.

399
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:21,000
This guy is not providing my
services like very similar.

400
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:24,500
If we go to the restaurant, if
you go get a car and you know,

401
00:21:24,500 --> 00:21:26,800
you have to go get an oil change
but you know, they providing a

402
00:21:26,808 --> 00:21:28,400
service and he wasn't doing
that.

403
00:21:28,700 --> 00:21:32,200
And I just had enough courage to
stand up and say I'm going to.

404
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,000
I'm going to Stand My Ground if
you're not gonna help me down.

405
00:21:35,000 --> 00:21:37,500
I'm gonna figure this out.
I have resources in this

406
00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:40,000
hospital.
Let me use them as much as I

407
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:43,900
can, so I could build up me.
Why?

408
00:21:44,100 --> 00:21:46,900
Now I understand why I was
hurting right?

409
00:21:46,900 --> 00:21:49,900
The if I were to did it early, I
don't think I would understand.

410
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,700
It was a whole like different
mindset.

411
00:21:52,900 --> 00:21:56,200
It was just a hate to say it,
like a switch that just

412
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,000
happened.
And I'm thankful for it though

413
00:21:58,100 --> 00:22:00,300
because it became I became the
man that I am today.

414
00:22:02,100 --> 00:22:06,000
So how long has it been since
your last attempt?

415
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:11,100
Well, seven years baby, seven
years going on eight.

416
00:22:11,100 --> 00:22:16,400
I could say that I could say
that would have found out and

417
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,800
I've often tell people that, if
you've ever seriously

418
00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:22,700
contemplated suicide that
thought is always looking for

419
00:22:22,700 --> 00:22:25,100
another moment of weakness.
It will it will show up again.

420
00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:27,600
But so do you have those
thoughts returned for?

421
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:31,500
You know, I created a Wellness
Plan.

422
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:35,100
Right.
You know, my wife, she knows me.

423
00:22:35,100 --> 00:22:38,300
We've been knowing each other
since teenagers so she knows me

424
00:22:38,300 --> 00:22:43,500
very well.
I have a plan that I do things

425
00:22:43,500 --> 00:22:48,800
to monitor my mental health, so
she knows like the other night.

426
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:54,700
She noticed that I've been off
lately, you know, work managing,

427
00:22:54,700 --> 00:22:57,000
you know, how it is trying to
figure everything out doing

428
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,800
doing the dad life husband.
I'm just I'm just not balanced

429
00:23:00,300 --> 00:23:02,100
and we sat down and she's like,
hey, everything's Good, I

430
00:23:02,100 --> 00:23:05,000
noticed this and that, you know,
let's pretty much review your

431
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,800
Wellness Plan and I was just
like, yeah, you know, I'm just

432
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:08,700
unbalanced.
I'm working way too much.

433
00:23:09,900 --> 00:23:11,300
It's like this.
It's leaning.

434
00:23:11,700 --> 00:23:15,800
Let's figure out how can I take
the pressure off and get back to

435
00:23:15,900 --> 00:23:18,800
being who I am?
And once I did that, you know,

436
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,000
we cleared it all up and down
back to normal.

437
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,400
So I just have a Wellness Plan
that I always keep with.

438
00:23:23,900 --> 00:23:27,200
I change it sometimes 12 months
based off my schedule but yeah

439
00:23:27,200 --> 00:23:30,700
that helps out so much.
I wonder if are there any

440
00:23:30,900 --> 00:23:36,300
specific you Recommend of ways
to keep hope, and healing alive

441
00:23:36,300 --> 00:23:38,800
for you.
Yeah, so in the Wellness Plan, I

442
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:42,700
have certain days, I reach out
to my support system, right?

443
00:23:42,700 --> 00:23:45,300
I have multiple people, that,
that is in my support system

444
00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:46,800
because there's multiple
settings.

445
00:23:46,900 --> 00:23:51,200
For example, I have my sister,
we talked about the parenting

446
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:54,800
life the marriage life.
Then I have my brother, we will

447
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:58,000
talk about, not only parenting,
but like sports and whatnot.

448
00:23:58,300 --> 00:24:01,100
And then I have other people
that I just like my mom, I can

449
00:24:01,100 --> 00:24:03,700
just talk Talk to and just try
to work on that relationship

450
00:24:03,700 --> 00:24:07,800
that we never had.
So I would use that on certain

451
00:24:07,800 --> 00:24:12,000
days like, you know, Monday,
Tuesday, Monday, Tuesday, maybe

452
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:13,600
Saturday.
So I reached out to her support

453
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:18,200
system, then also I reach out
to, for myself exercising,

454
00:24:18,300 --> 00:24:20,200
right?
Certainly days, I would exercise

455
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:23,400
in something simple as walking
around for 15 minutes

456
00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,700
journaling, but I have two young
kids.

457
00:24:26,700 --> 00:24:29,800
So the journaling part doesn't
happen, but I use my phone.

458
00:24:30,500 --> 00:24:32,700
And I do the voice note.
So that's my journal.

459
00:24:32,700 --> 00:24:35,800
And then at night based off of
the time I do it, I listened to

460
00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:39,400
it and reflect.
So I have things planned out and

461
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,700
then I have like one day out of
the week whether it's the

462
00:24:42,700 --> 00:24:45,400
Saturday.
I would try something new right

463
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:49,100
because of the pattern.
You can easily get bored.

464
00:24:49,100 --> 00:24:51,700
So I'll try something new.
Hey Baby, Let's go

465
00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:53,600
rollerblading.
I don't know how to roller skate

466
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,600
at all but let's try it out, you
know?

467
00:24:55,600 --> 00:24:58,100
Or hey, let's go to the zoo or
let's go to the beach.

468
00:24:58,100 --> 00:25:02,800
So I always do every month of
But I have a where I have a

469
00:25:02,808 --> 00:25:08,200
customized.
Herbie, what's the best part

470
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:13,700
about being alive?
Being able to.

471
00:25:15,700 --> 00:25:19,600
Connect with others.
Showing them that they're not

472
00:25:19,700 --> 00:25:24,600
alone.
During that time, I didn't I

473
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:26,700
didn't feel like I can connect
with others.

474
00:25:28,500 --> 00:25:31,400
I feel like I could I didn't
know how to communicate with

475
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:33,000
others.
Now.

476
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:37,700
I feel like I do, I can
understand and then also just

477
00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:40,100
being a dad.
I never thought that was ever

478
00:25:40,100 --> 00:25:43,300
going to happen now.
It's like, you know, I have to,

479
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:45,500
you know, I have a two-year-old
and five-year-old.

480
00:25:45,500 --> 00:25:49,500
I'm just like, man.
I think this is what life is

481
00:25:49,500 --> 00:25:52,900
about.
Yeah, like man I'm teaching them

482
00:25:52,900 --> 00:25:55,500
my, for example, my
five-year-old, you mentioned

483
00:25:55,500 --> 00:25:58,900
breathing techniques earlier I
told her breathing techniques

484
00:25:58,900 --> 00:26:01,900
for when she has her emotional
swings and now she's teaching it

485
00:26:01,900 --> 00:26:05,400
to her little brother.
So that is amazing.

486
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:07,100
I don't think you can put a
price on that.

487
00:26:07,100 --> 00:26:12,900
Yeah.
What specifically might you

488
00:26:12,900 --> 00:26:17,000
recommend or give advice around
for someone that has made an

489
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,500
attempt has survived and is
alone?

490
00:26:21,700 --> 00:26:25,700
So the first thing I did after,
and I'm glad you asked that.

491
00:26:25,700 --> 00:26:27,800
So after I left the place and I
did all this positive

492
00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:34,000
affirmations, it's you still
feel like would it would it Go?

493
00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:38,200
The first thing I did was I
called the suicide hotline

494
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:40,700
number and ask for
recommendations.

495
00:26:40,700 --> 00:26:44,000
Hey.
Is there any support systems

496
00:26:44,500 --> 00:26:48,700
besides my friends that get it
right?

497
00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:50,400
So is there anything that I can
do?

498
00:26:50,700 --> 00:26:55,700
So I will always I'd say.
Call call The Suicide

499
00:26:55,700 --> 00:27:00,600
Prevention, Lifeline number or
you know, 988 and just ask them

500
00:27:01,100 --> 00:27:02,700
or you can just Google it.
Ask them.

501
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:08,000
Is there any local peer to peer
meetings, connect with people?

502
00:27:08,100 --> 00:27:09,900
So you don't feel like you're by
yourself sometimes.

503
00:27:09,900 --> 00:27:12,600
If you, I feel like personally
after my attempt, my friends

504
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:16,100
didn't understand.
They couldn't they couldn't

505
00:27:16,100 --> 00:27:17,400
relate.
They couldn't relate.

506
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:21,400
They didn't know.
Hey I feel like there's a just

507
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:24,500
looking at, as you said earlier,
he just needs some help, he be.

508
00:27:24,500 --> 00:27:30,400
All right, once I was able to
connect with a couple people it

509
00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:36,800
felt great but then even during
that Yeah, leave it at that.

510
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:41,800
Leave that that.
And and any tips for someone

511
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:48,100
that that finds a friend or a
loved one has made an attempt,

512
00:27:48,100 --> 00:27:51,100
you're the first person on scene
and you see that something has

513
00:27:51,100 --> 00:27:53,800
happened, what would you
recommend they do?

514
00:27:54,700 --> 00:27:59,800
I would recommend them to stay
there by their side, talk to

515
00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:02,700
them.
Don't talk down at them, don't

516
00:28:02,700 --> 00:28:05,900
talk over them, just talk to
meet them where they are at and

517
00:28:05,900 --> 00:28:08,400
this accent, hey, if you need
some help, I'm here to guide

518
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:10,900
you.
You don't have to have all the

519
00:28:10,900 --> 00:28:15,400
answers but you some resources,
whether it's in your community

520
00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:18,700
or whether you use the, the
number nine eight eight to help

521
00:28:18,700 --> 00:28:20,300
you out.
You don't have to be their

522
00:28:20,300 --> 00:28:23,300
therapist which is be there to
support them and just let them

523
00:28:23,300 --> 00:28:24,200
know.
I hear you.

524
00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:28,600
I can't resonate but how can I
assist you?

525
00:28:31,100 --> 00:28:33,000
In preparation of our
conversation.

526
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:36,200
I really sat down and thought
like what obvious lived

527
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:38,800
experience, how can I succinctly
put it in something?

528
00:28:39,000 --> 00:28:42,000
And so I made a list of seven
items and right now, I feel like

529
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:44,000
we've hit all of them, but I
just want to go through them and

530
00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:47,200
make sure.
But first was, so again, I've

531
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:49,700
survived an attempt on my life.
What do I do?

532
00:28:49,900 --> 00:28:53,900
And first seek help and it could
be the, the hotline, they could

533
00:28:53,900 --> 00:28:56,100
be calling a friend, it could be
answering the door when your

534
00:28:56,108 --> 00:28:57,600
girlfriend's banging on it,
right?

535
00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:01,700
Whatever it is but get help.
The second was practice

536
00:29:01,700 --> 00:29:06,900
self-care, which as you said
self-love, we if we don't love

537
00:29:06,900 --> 00:29:09,600
ourselves, there's nothing
someone else can do to fill that

538
00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,800
hole.
That's what it took me.

539
00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:17,100
Probably decades to really fully
get an owner.

540
00:29:17,500 --> 00:29:20,900
Like nobody's responsible for
making us happy except us.

541
00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:26,000
Yeah.
So and it can be skate.

542
00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:29,600
Like I used to I used to shun
responsibility because I thought

543
00:29:29,600 --> 00:29:33,300
responsibility meant Blaine.
But when I can claim, no, I'm

544
00:29:33,300 --> 00:29:35,900
responsible for my happiness.
I'm responsible for my joy.

545
00:29:36,100 --> 00:29:38,300
That that gives me Freedom now,
but I never thought it did.

546
00:29:38,700 --> 00:29:40,800
You know, my mind?
Tell me that doesn't make sense

547
00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:42,800
but my experience of it does
make sense.

548
00:29:43,100 --> 00:29:44,900
So do you find anything like
that to be true for you?

549
00:29:44,900 --> 00:29:49,400
Oh, yes, for sure.
You know, I just want to chime

550
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:51,900
in you said, ask for help.
You know what helped me out with

551
00:29:51,900 --> 00:29:54,800
that because I was always told,
like if you ask for, help is a

552
00:29:54,800 --> 00:30:00,100
sign of weakness.
So now I refrain my mindset.

553
00:30:00,500 --> 00:30:03,500
Let me use my resource.
Right.

554
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:06,300
It's essentially the same thing.
But when I say, let me use my

555
00:30:06,300 --> 00:30:08,200
resources, it seems more
positive.

556
00:30:08,200 --> 00:30:10,500
Right?
We all have resources, 80, if

557
00:30:10,500 --> 00:30:13,800
you, if I know, I need a ride
across town and I can't make it

558
00:30:13,800 --> 00:30:16,000
because my car broke down, I'm
going to call you, hey, I'm

559
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:17,700
going to be right.
That is a resource that I'm

560
00:30:17,700 --> 00:30:19,200
using.
Is it not the essentially, the

561
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:22,400
same thing except for help?
So, once I was able to, to

562
00:30:22,800 --> 00:30:26,300
reframe my mind, stop saying,
oh, this is a sign of weakness,

563
00:30:26,300 --> 00:30:30,000
has no, let me use my resource
because it's a sign of strength.

564
00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:34,200
That means I have not only a
good, Art system but I have

565
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:36,700
someone that I can rely on that
has my back.

566
00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:41,000
Yeah, I often say the bravest
thing you can do is ask for

567
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,700
help.
So like the weakest thing we can

568
00:30:43,700 --> 00:30:45,800
do is not do something because
we're afraid of other people,

569
00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:47,700
think about it like, that, that
is weakness.

570
00:30:47,800 --> 00:30:51,200
But strength is like, you know,
I don't care what anyone might

571
00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:52,900
say because it's in, it's all
are negative.

572
00:30:52,900 --> 00:30:56,300
Self-talk like I've never had
someone come up and go, wow into

573
00:30:56,300 --> 00:30:58,800
your week, you tried to die.
That's never happened in my

574
00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:01,000
life, but it happened a lot in
my head.

575
00:31:03,100 --> 00:31:05,800
So the third item I had was was
find Hope which has been

576
00:31:05,800 --> 00:31:08,900
mentioned throughout this, you
know, in your children, in your

577
00:31:08,900 --> 00:31:11,800
relationship and your own
forgiveness and loving of

578
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:14,500
yourself.
There's I think there's hope is

579
00:31:14,500 --> 00:31:16,500
just automatically built into
all those things.

580
00:31:17,700 --> 00:31:19,400
And the fourth thing I had
written down was connect with

581
00:31:19,400 --> 00:31:21,300
others, which again you
mentioned, having that support

582
00:31:21,300 --> 00:31:25,400
network friends, trusted people,
it can be strangers, it can be

583
00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:28,200
peers while I quit, but there's
it's all out there, which when

584
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:30,500
we're alone in our own Darkness.
We don't think any of these

585
00:31:30,500 --> 00:31:32,300
things are possible, but but
they are.

586
00:31:33,900 --> 00:31:36,800
If it was get involved in
meaningful activities, you know.

587
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:39,900
Again, we're responsible for
finding the purpose and meaning

588
00:31:39,900 --> 00:31:42,600
in our lives.
Like I don't believe no one's

589
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:44,700
here by accident.
You're not a mistake.

590
00:31:44,700 --> 00:31:48,300
I'm not a mistake, we can feel
Hopeless and helpless, but we

591
00:31:48,300 --> 00:31:54,400
truly aren't ever and always was
be kind to yourself.

592
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:58,000
Like you talked about it, a
switch being hit but again for

593
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:01,400
both of us it took multiple time
for that switch to stay off or

594
00:32:01,400 --> 00:32:05,400
on, we want to look at it.
But uh and always recommend, you

595
00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:07,800
know, look out that negative
self-talk journaling has been a

596
00:32:07,808 --> 00:32:12,100
great tool for me as well but
also celebrate every bit of

597
00:32:12,100 --> 00:32:16,300
success.
Like those first few days after

598
00:32:16,300 --> 00:32:18,800
attempt.
Like the the first time, the

599
00:32:18,800 --> 00:32:21,100
first time, I realize I was
going through like hard

600
00:32:21,100 --> 00:32:23,600
circumstances and I didn't just
want to die.

601
00:32:23,700 --> 00:32:26,800
I was like, hey I'm growing.
Wow.

602
00:32:26,900 --> 00:32:30,500
You know, so celebrate just the
fact I remember I was a

603
00:32:30,500 --> 00:32:34,400
full-fledged adult before I got
that beauty could make me cry.

604
00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:37,900
Like I look at a sunrise and
people would beaut artwork

605
00:32:37,900 --> 00:32:39,700
people say, oh, I moved to tears
Mike really?

606
00:32:39,700 --> 00:32:42,000
I thought you just meant was
depressed, I thought tears made

607
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:45,000
suicide, how can you?
Nippy positive tears.

608
00:32:45,300 --> 00:32:46,100
I can't.
Yes.

609
00:32:46,100 --> 00:32:49,200
How can you cry of Joy?
Yeah, so I finally experience

610
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:51,000
that I was like, I was 32 but
for right.

611
00:32:51,100 --> 00:32:53,000
Wow, I'm crying.
And I'm not sad.

612
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:56,700
This is great.
So in this celebration of

613
00:32:56,700 --> 00:33:00,700
discovering that that I'm wrong,
I used to believe that life

614
00:33:00,700 --> 00:33:04,900
sucks, then you die.
And every experience that proves

615
00:33:04,900 --> 00:33:07,300
that to be false.
I'm like, thank God.

616
00:33:07,300 --> 00:33:12,000
I was wrong.
And the final thing is recovery,

617
00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:15,600
takes time.
So again, we talked about the

618
00:33:15,600 --> 00:33:18,900
switch and when you get it, it
seems like that, but that that

619
00:33:18,900 --> 00:33:22,100
overnight success of enjoying
your life, doesn't happen

620
00:33:22,100 --> 00:33:25,300
overnight.
Yes, I'm glad you said that I

621
00:33:25,300 --> 00:33:30,300
just want to chime in on that.
The best thing that for myself

622
00:33:30,300 --> 00:33:34,700
was to get off of social media
right now, we into the era of so

623
00:33:34,700 --> 00:33:36,700
people won't buy our own.
They seem like success

624
00:33:36,700 --> 00:33:39,100
overnight.
I had to get off of social media

625
00:33:39,300 --> 00:33:43,400
and just do some healing, right?
Things was the time, I felt over

626
00:33:43,700 --> 00:33:46,600
And I bought a coloring book and
sat down and just start

627
00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:49,000
coloring, right?
Let me just focus on this.

628
00:33:49,400 --> 00:33:52,800
I don't want to thank.
I just want to just just Xin out

629
00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,000
there, right?
And and then, when you said

630
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:58,900
activities, I realized that the
power of play helps.

631
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:02,200
Sometimes we get so work work,
work work, work, work.

632
00:34:02,500 --> 00:34:05,100
And then you get overwhelmed,
you going down the rabbit hole

633
00:34:05,100 --> 00:34:09,199
at night that you shouldn't go
down and I started scheduling

634
00:34:09,500 --> 00:34:10,800
playing basketball.
I was good at it.

635
00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:15,699
I was really good at it and And
I'm not doing that right, but

636
00:34:15,699 --> 00:34:18,500
when I'm doing that, when I'm
playing basketball or any

637
00:34:18,500 --> 00:34:22,800
activity, you're not thinking
about man, you're not thinking

638
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,000
about any stress.
You're just reacting and having

639
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:27,600
fun like the power of play, you
know.

640
00:34:27,699 --> 00:34:29,300
I want to be an advocate for
that.

641
00:34:29,500 --> 00:34:32,000
I know we get older we look at
playing as a child's game but I

642
00:34:32,000 --> 00:34:33,400
think as adults we have to do
it.

643
00:34:34,400 --> 00:34:36,699
Yeah.
So II love amusement parks and

644
00:34:36,699 --> 00:34:39,500
roller coasters and years ago,
hit me like in the front room.

645
00:34:39,500 --> 00:34:44,000
Looks like woo and I'm like hey
I when I was in line I was Crust

646
00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:47,900
how I can't worry about, I
can't, I can't run the bull shit

647
00:34:47,900 --> 00:34:49,900
through my mind when I'm on in a
Thrill Ride.

648
00:34:49,900 --> 00:34:53,000
Like it, there's nothing to puts
me in the moment more than front

649
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:55,199
roller roller coaster.
I can't sit through Google

650
00:34:55,800 --> 00:35:03,700
accounts.
Yeah, it's like, all right, all

651
00:35:03,700 --> 00:35:06,100
these things that people try to
medicate or say, something's

652
00:35:06,100 --> 00:35:09,800
broken at your, your chemically
imbalanced like, but it can't be

653
00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:12,700
true because circumstances?
Change and my mood and my

654
00:35:12,707 --> 00:35:13,900
thoughts change.
As well.

655
00:35:14,500 --> 00:35:17,800
So, for what that's worth.
But I was thought, likely, you

656
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:21,800
know, I'd love to take, you
know, all the teenagers that are

657
00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:23,400
in some mental hospital.
Hey, let's all go.

658
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:25,400
Get on a roller coaster and see
if that just changes your

659
00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:26,900
attitude, for least that one
moment.

660
00:35:26,900 --> 00:35:29,600
And then, you know, oh, I can
feel better if they know.

661
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:32,200
I actually have good feelings
and not bad feeling.

662
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:33,900
Yeah, I agree.
Cool.

663
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:36,000
So, so, Herbie, I know you also
have a podcast.

664
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:37,300
So, tell me a little bit about
that.

665
00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:40,200
Yes, I have to just believe,
show the disabilities show.

666
00:35:40,200 --> 00:35:43,400
It's something that I decided to
know.

667
00:35:43,500 --> 00:35:45,400
As the conversations of mental
health, right?

668
00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:48,700
Not only normalized but provide
certain resources for people.

669
00:35:49,100 --> 00:35:51,500
We are all different, everyone
Hills different.

670
00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:55,100
And on that journey, I just, I
just took it upon myself to not

671
00:35:55,100 --> 00:35:58,200
only Advocate about sharing my
attempt to sharing things that

672
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:00,800
work for me.
But also having what I like to

673
00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:05,200
call the pros because there's a
stigma of going to seek therapy,

674
00:36:06,000 --> 00:36:09,000
going to go see a psychiatrist,
you feel like oh they're going

675
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:13,200
to put some sort of like magic
trick and they're not like that.

676
00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:15,900
I Have, I'm blessed.
I would say that first, but I

677
00:36:15,908 --> 00:36:18,900
have a good amount of friends
that are psychiatrist

678
00:36:18,900 --> 00:36:22,300
counselors, social workers and
just to have those that

679
00:36:22,300 --> 00:36:26,100
relationship, I want people to
normalize seeking therapy.

680
00:36:26,500 --> 00:36:30,100
I don't want you to say, oh, I'm
going to see a psychiatrist and

681
00:36:30,100 --> 00:36:32,200
I'm crazy.
No, it's just sometimes you just

682
00:36:32,200 --> 00:36:36,400
need an unbiased opinion and
yeah, so it's starting back up

683
00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:39,200
in March, I'm excited.
I took it took a break.

684
00:36:39,500 --> 00:36:42,100
I always tell people when it
comes to Mental Health.

685
00:36:43,500 --> 00:36:45,200
Times you have to do what's best
for you.

686
00:36:46,300 --> 00:36:50,300
And put on your own oxygen mask
and like, was overwhelming.

687
00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:53,300
The new dad was was kicking my
tail.

688
00:36:53,400 --> 00:36:58,200
That's the nicest way.
I've got to say it, but now, as

689
00:36:58,200 --> 00:36:59,600
I mentioned earlier, I feel
balanced.

690
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:01,800
So we get back on track with
that beautiful.

691
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:04,300
Beautiful Herbie.
Is there anything else you'd

692
00:37:04,300 --> 00:37:06,700
like to share or a resource?
A bit of experience, anything,

693
00:37:07,100 --> 00:37:09,700
but not know.
I don't think we know that.

694
00:37:09,700 --> 00:37:14,600
A lot of it, to be honest, I
really want to ask you a couple

695
00:37:14,600 --> 00:37:16,800
of questions.
Is that okay with you?

696
00:37:16,900 --> 00:37:19,300
Sure I know this is your show
and people by you just like,

697
00:37:19,700 --> 00:37:23,700
give out all their information,
but I want to know how was it

698
00:37:23,700 --> 00:37:26,800
for you on the road of recovery
after your last attempt.

699
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:35,000
It was bumpy.
It, let's see.

700
00:37:35,300 --> 00:37:40,200
I always felt this distorted
sense of relief after an attempt

701
00:37:40,900 --> 00:37:44,400
and it took me a long time to
not realize that that that

702
00:37:44,400 --> 00:37:48,400
relief was that I sought help
like, for me when I was not

703
00:37:48,400 --> 00:37:51,300
willing to disclose how painful
I felt how much how much

704
00:37:51,300 --> 00:37:55,200
Darkness was inside of me.
Making an attempt was at least

705
00:37:55,200 --> 00:37:57,700
an action and there was a
relief.

706
00:37:57,700 --> 00:38:00,100
Like, I've always felt better
after it but again it took me

707
00:38:00,100 --> 00:38:02,100
the slow learning thing.
I'd like, wait a minute.

708
00:38:02,300 --> 00:38:04,900
Can I skip the attempt and just
get help.

709
00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:10,400
And then when I was 22 years
old, I put myself into a mental

710
00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:15,400
hospital for just a long weekend
because I want to die, but I

711
00:38:15,400 --> 00:38:16,900
thought that was the first time
I did make an attempt.

712
00:38:16,900 --> 00:38:19,800
I went straight to professional
help and I was like, ah, there

713
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:21,700
talk about celebrating all
things like I'm like, I'm like

714
00:38:21,700 --> 00:38:26,400
an adult I've grown up.
This is Using, but but still

715
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:30,600
like that was after college, you
know, I would go up and down, I

716
00:38:30,600 --> 00:38:32,600
would get help.
I would, I would think I was

717
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:37,500
fine and invincible and stop the
support and then life will kind

718
00:38:37,500 --> 00:38:40,300
of catch up and I'd be backed
out of entually.

719
00:38:40,300 --> 00:38:44,200
Like I would go years doing
great.

720
00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:47,100
And even I start, you know, I
wrote books and I started

721
00:38:47,100 --> 00:38:50,300
speaking and I've already said
it today like if you were with

722
00:38:50,300 --> 00:38:52,200
seriously thought about suicide,
that thought will always be

723
00:38:52,200 --> 00:38:55,000
there.
So, Came back for me, I see, I

724
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:58,900
forget that, like, I, I'm
supposed to know better, I

725
00:38:58,900 --> 00:39:02,300
should have seen this coming.
So I get silent, the shame

726
00:39:02,300 --> 00:39:05,500
starts again and I, I call I go
dark.

727
00:39:05,700 --> 00:39:07,400
I stopped doing the things that
feel good.

728
00:39:07,700 --> 00:39:10,500
I stopped helping other people.
I just focus on everything that

729
00:39:10,500 --> 00:39:12,800
sucks and the more you focus on
what sucks.

730
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:14,500
All you see is what sucks
that's?

731
00:39:14,500 --> 00:39:20,000
So again, I've had to relearn my
lessons multiple times and

732
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:22,400
that's okay, that's like nothing
wrong with that.

733
00:39:22,600 --> 00:39:25,300
They didn't mean they were they
were wrong it just meant I need

734
00:39:25,300 --> 00:39:31,100
to learn them again and it's
never was The repeating that I

735
00:39:31,100 --> 00:39:32,800
did was never the same exact
same thing.

736
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:36,800
It was, you know, deeper levels
because again, is you I've

737
00:39:36,800 --> 00:39:40,100
trauma going back to birth, some
of it.

738
00:39:40,100 --> 00:39:42,300
I didn't, I did not remember
till I was in my 20s.

739
00:39:42,700 --> 00:39:45,800
So there's always more of the
layer to unpack.

740
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:47,900
This more to be healed as more
to bring out of the dark and

741
00:39:47,900 --> 00:39:51,800
into the light and all those,
all those sayings that I used to

742
00:39:51,800 --> 00:39:54,500
think we're such nonsense until
I experienced them like, oh

743
00:39:54,508 --> 00:39:55,900
yeah, this is true for that
thing.

744
00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:59,400
And yeah, I got to love myself,
more and positive affirmations.

745
00:39:59,500 --> 00:40:03,000
And mirror work and meditation,
and exercise and sharing what's

746
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:07,500
going on for people.
And yeah, the, the more

747
00:40:07,500 --> 00:40:13,200
authentic and honest and for me
public, I can be, it helps me,

748
00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:18,900
and it helps others.
I just want to let you know.

749
00:40:18,900 --> 00:40:22,200
I'm glad that you're still here.
Yeah, I am too.

750
00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:26,900
And I wasn't always like I after
all the times I've had that I'm

751
00:40:26,900 --> 00:40:28,200
pissed.
This did not work.

752
00:40:28,200 --> 00:40:32,200
I remember being Furious and
that's okay.

753
00:40:32,300 --> 00:40:36,900
Like I was so sure that I was
right about everything sucking.

754
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:40,400
I was, I was resistant to
letting that that worldview go.

755
00:40:42,300 --> 00:40:43,500
No.
Yeah, for sure.

756
00:40:43,600 --> 00:40:48,100
It's the same thing.
It's like a roller coaster of

757
00:40:48,100 --> 00:40:52,000
emotions.
I was extremely angry after, you

758
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:56,900
know, my at the, my second
attempt I was like, an of still.

759
00:40:56,900 --> 00:40:59,600
Like I was so frustrated.
And then, even with the third

760
00:40:59,600 --> 00:41:03,000
one, I was angry.
And to be honest, like, I don't

761
00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:06,000
even know why, like, she came
over it.

762
00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:09,900
She had no reason, I don't know
how, but she was there and

763
00:41:09,900 --> 00:41:11,700
during that I was just like so
pissed.

764
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:17,500
And once I was in the Behavior
Health Center, once I was

765
00:41:17,700 --> 00:41:19,600
journaling, I was just like,
okay.

766
00:41:20,800 --> 00:41:22,600
I started journaling out of
anger.

767
00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:27,400
And then the anger went to, oh
my goodness, I'm crying.

768
00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:30,200
Oh my goodness, I read.
What is going on?

769
00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:32,800
Like I want a drink, right?
Because I'm triggered and

770
00:41:32,900 --> 00:41:37,100
drinking post to help.
Calm me down and from there, I

771
00:41:37,100 --> 00:41:41,000
don't know.
I just I was just, I was just

772
00:41:41,000 --> 00:41:44,700
more.
Accepting to the universe.

773
00:41:44,700 --> 00:41:46,800
I like, okay, things happen for
a reason.

774
00:41:46,900 --> 00:41:49,600
You always hear that saying and
I was just like, well, what is

775
00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:51,100
the reason?
What is the reason?

776
00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:53,700
And then when I got attacked by
the psychiatrist, I was running

777
00:41:53,700 --> 00:41:55,600
it.
And I was just like, I think

778
00:41:55,600 --> 00:42:00,700
this the reason to find a voice
but not only find a voice, hey,

779
00:42:00,700 --> 00:42:03,500
you are here, like, you probably
didn't know your healer start

780
00:42:03,500 --> 00:42:05,300
sharing your stories and just
very similar to you.

781
00:42:05,300 --> 00:42:08,100
Like, you know, wants to speak
at opportunities happen and I'm

782
00:42:08,100 --> 00:42:12,500
on stage and you know, you have
people hate.

783
00:42:12,500 --> 00:42:13,100
Thank you.
You're so.

784
00:42:13,200 --> 00:42:15,400
It was great.
Hey, can I reach out to you?

785
00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:19,000
How can I find you?
And you know one of the stories

786
00:42:19,000 --> 00:42:23,000
I one of the events I was out of
shared my story and I had a mom

787
00:42:23,900 --> 00:42:28,100
just randomly cried and was like
thank you.

788
00:42:28,500 --> 00:42:35,600
You know, my daughter is in the
audience and she had attempt and

789
00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:37,500
I didn't know how to tell her, I
didn't know how to.

790
00:42:37,500 --> 00:42:41,400
Like, I didn't know what to do
but your story Navigate it like

791
00:42:41,600 --> 00:42:45,400
the point that you said 27
points and then not only that

792
00:42:45,700 --> 00:42:49,000
the door to realize there was
hope and she's like, you know,

793
00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:51,500
like how could I like repay you
at all atoms?

794
00:42:51,500 --> 00:42:54,200
Just like, just just be there
for her and just acknowledge

795
00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:56,900
her, that's it.
And it is just like, you know,

796
00:42:56,900 --> 00:42:59,300
grown man crying.
Like okay, I think I found it.

797
00:42:59,600 --> 00:43:02,800
Yeah, yeah.
I see you said earlier to like,

798
00:43:02,800 --> 00:43:04,500
oh, it's long as I can help one
person.

799
00:43:04,500 --> 00:43:07,400
If I say one life, it's worth it
and I'll never forget, I still

800
00:43:07,600 --> 00:43:10,100
clearly, remember the first time
a stranger Came up to me and

801
00:43:10,100 --> 00:43:13,700
said that I saved their life and
I was like, you must be mistaken

802
00:43:13,700 --> 00:43:14,700
this game.
But you know what?

803
00:43:14,700 --> 00:43:19,400
You resist that like that me and
it's and I'm blessed.

804
00:43:19,400 --> 00:43:22,300
Like, I've lost count of how
many times that's happened and

805
00:43:22,300 --> 00:43:24,000
again, establish confirms,
right?

806
00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:28,600
It is blessing and even our
native experiences, when you can

807
00:43:28,700 --> 00:43:32,400
take responsibility for what to
do after them with them, that's

808
00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:34,500
empowered.
Yes.

809
00:43:34,600 --> 00:43:35,300
Yes.
There's a.

810
00:43:35,300 --> 00:43:38,500
I'm so glad we got connected.
Yeah, and I get to we're going

811
00:43:38,500 --> 00:43:42,900
to we're going to talk again and
more often and, you know, but

812
00:43:42,900 --> 00:43:46,300
until then Herbie, what's the
best way for people to learn

813
00:43:46,300 --> 00:43:49,800
more about you to connect with,
you just go to her, be mac.com

814
00:43:50,700 --> 00:43:52,900
from there.
You can connect with me if you

815
00:43:52,900 --> 00:43:56,200
want.
I'm also, she meteor at and it's

816
00:43:56,200 --> 00:43:58,100
pretty easy to find me at her
Pee Mak.

817
00:43:58,900 --> 00:44:01,200
So I want social media.
If you put in every Mac, you

818
00:44:01,200 --> 00:44:02,600
find me.
Cool.

819
00:44:02,900 --> 00:44:07,800
So I really Thank you for your
time, for your authenticity, for

820
00:44:07,800 --> 00:44:10,400
your sharing her.
Be everyone listening to us.

821
00:44:10,400 --> 00:44:14,000
I thank you.
I, thank you for being here.

822
00:44:14,000 --> 00:44:19,100
I, thank you for being alive.
Really, from the bottom of my

823
00:44:19,100 --> 00:44:23,100
heart.
Every single one of you makes a

824
00:44:23,100 --> 00:44:27,000
bigger difference in the world
than you realize Please visit

825
00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:29,600
real men, feel that org to see
the blog post for this episode.

826
00:44:29,600 --> 00:44:31,900
We'll have links to any of the
resources discussed more.

827
00:44:31,900 --> 00:44:34,200
The things we sharing will be
there in text if that helps you

828
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:38,100
out, wherever discovering real,
mindfield subscribe, like,

829
00:44:38,100 --> 00:44:40,300
comment.
Share this with someone that you

830
00:44:40,300 --> 00:44:44,800
think needs a little bit of Hope
inspiration, right now, you can

831
00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:46,000
always reach out to me at real
men.

832
00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:48,700
Feel at gmail.com, I'm always
glad to hear from you.

833
00:44:49,200 --> 00:44:52,600
And until next time, Choose
life.