Life Without a Tie: A Journey of Self-Discovery with Ray Martin

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Hello and welcome to Real Men
Field.

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This is your host, author, coach
and healer, Andy Grant.

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You can learn more about me at
the andygrant.com.

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Real Men Feel reminds men that
they are human beings and have

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the right to express and
experience all of their

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emotions.
We have conversations that most

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men are not having, but that all
men can vent it from.

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My guest today is Ray Martin.
Ray is an entrepreneur,

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award-winning business leader,
coach, mentor, facilitator,

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speaker, author, and mindfulness
teacher.

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But wait, there's more.
He is a torch bearer for greater

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human consciousness and a
marathon runner and fundraiser.

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Ray is on a mission to empower
people to live authentically and

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to bring more joy and happiness
into the world.

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Sounds like my kind of dude.
Ray shares his experience of

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losing his business, wife and
father in a short period of time

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which led to him taking a
sabbatical which did not go as

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planned and resulted in his book
Life Without a Tie.

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We also discussed Ray's 6 rules
of happiness, finding your true

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path, confirmation signals and
the importance of knowing your

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values and having a vision.
Let's do it.

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Hello Ray, and welcome to Real
Men Field.

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Thank you.
Good to be here.

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So you've got a.
Quite an interesting experience

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and journey in your life.
So let's let's start the

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beginning and why don't you tell
me a little bit about your life

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and your prior life as ACEO?
Sure.

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Yeah, there I was following what
I often refer to as the

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mainstream plan for life, which
is, you know, you get a good

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job, get a career, get a home,
get a wife, have some kids.

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We have the the blueprint that
most of us follow when we're not

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thinking too much about deeper
things.

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And and I've managed to follow
that plan to reach, you know, a,

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a pretty good level.
And I was CEO of a company I

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founded and we have a newspaper
in the UK which some of your

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listeners might know called The
Daily Telegraph.

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It's quite well known.
And every year they choose a

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handful of people to receive
business leadership awards.

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And I was business leader of the
year in 2002 as ACEO of that

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company.
And, and so I was, you know,

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already known as someone that
was interpersonal development

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and coaching and developing
teams and leading with a vision

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and all of those sorts of
things, which are fairly common

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now, But it back in those days
it wasn't so common.

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But, you know, although I got
all the badges to success,

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really, Andy, I, I sort of felt
that I wasn't truly happy.

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It sort of felt to me in some
ways like I was living someone

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else's life in, in the hard
ways.

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And I never really was sure why
that was.

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I felt like that, but I sort of
felt a bit kind of lost in some

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way that I'd ended up living
someone else's life a little

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bit.
And, and sometimes I get quite

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depressed about that and try and
console myself by saying, Oh

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well, I'm really lucky.
I've got everything a person

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could wish for.
And that kind of worked for a

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little while, but I was sort of
went back to that kind of

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melancholy feeling, thinking
something's not right.

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And then one day quite suddenly
and that unexpectedly, my

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business partner, who was the
woman I was married to, who

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founded the company with me,
she's came back from a meeting

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and said, I'm leaving you and
I'm leaving the company.

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And it was a massive, massive
shock.

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I didn't see it coming.
It was, you know, it ripped my

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life apart at that moment.
And pretty much the same time

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that happened, my father got
very unwell and he passed away.

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So within a three or four month
period, my life as I knew it was

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imploding.
I was not in my home.

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I was leaving the company I
founded.

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I was going to be divorced and
my dad had gone.

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And it left me bewildered and in
a sort of state of kind of

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chaotic destruction and very
dark period of time for me

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followed from there.
So that that's that's kind of

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like what set me up to go on the
journey that I've described in

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in the book of life out of time.
But Even so, even before those

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three big losses, you were
already having periods of not

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being as happy as you thought
you could be or should be.

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Yeah, I've spoken to lots and
lots of people since that

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happened to me.
And certainly through my

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coaching work, I meet people who
echo that kind of feeling, which

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is they're, they're not on what
I would call their own true

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path.
And I think that's a common

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experience for quite a lot of
people.

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Well, at least I didn't know
about it when I was experiencing

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it, but I've since discovered
it's a fairly common experience.

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Yeah, yeah, right.
So you're in this you've, you

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know, it feels like you've lost
everything.

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Yep.
You're you're not feeling too

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great.
No, Feeling awful.

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Awful.
Like, yeah, you want the world

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to swallow you up.
You, you know, it sort of feels

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like the end of life, which is
not a good feeling.

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Yeah.
And so it was.

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How long did that last and what
did you do?

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Or did you do something to end
it?

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Yeah, I, I would say that I was
just stuck in that spiral

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downward spiral for about a
year.

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I felt like, yeah, maybe a bit
less, but around about a year.

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And then one day I remembered a
piece of, I don't know how I

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remembered, but I remembered a
piece of advice that a mentor

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years ago had given to me.
And he said, if you ever get

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into a place of despair and you
really can't see a way out of

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it, one of the things that's
recommended is that you choose

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someone who you know, who
really, really needs help or

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support and just go into service
and, and 100% go and help them

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and forget about yourself for a
while, you know, And so I

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thought I remembered that just
came to me.

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I don't know why.
And I thought that's a great,

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that's a great suggestion that
because I really couldn't think

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my way out of the mess I was in.
The more I thought about it, it

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felt like worse it got and there
just didn't seem to be a way out

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through thinking.
And I've since understood why

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that is, but I at the time I
didn't.

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And, and so I actually started
to reach out to my friends and I

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found out that one of my really
good friends who'd moved to

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Australia from from the, the UK
couple of years before with her

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husband Matt, who I knew I'd
found out she had breast cancer

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and she was about to go through
chemotherapy and they had a very

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young son.
So I contacted her and I said

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how would you feel if I came
over to Australia for a month

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and just took care of you and
Pete and that and did whatever I

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could to support you while
you're in this journey?

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She said, oh Ray, that would be
fantastic, that would be really

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lovely.
So I did.

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So I sort of shut everything
down and went to Australia for a

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month and just prayed and hoped
because the advice was go and

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help someone else for a while
and something will emerge, some

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breakthrough will happen, some
universal guidance will follow.

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So I did that for about 3 or 4
weeks and at the end of that

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period I felt really happy that
I'd done it and I was quietened

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down and I wasn't feeling so
low.

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But that's not universal
guidance games, no big

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breakthrough.
I thought, Oh well that's not,

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this doesn't work very well then
because it doesn't say in the

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advice how long you have to wait
and when you're done this Axel

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service, you know when it's
coming.

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And then I had another friend in
Australia.

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I thought, oh, I'll visit while
I'm here because it's such a

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long way from England to
Australia.

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I contacted her and she said,
yeah, come and stay for a few

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days.
So I, I did.

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And one one night she said me
and my mum are going to see a

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play at the theatre in our town.
Would you like to come?

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And I said, OK, so we're at the
play, watching the play.

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And in the interval during the
play, I'm reading the programme

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to see who the actors are and
read about their BIOS.

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And I saw a notice in the
programme saying there's an

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audition for the next play at
this theatre.

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It's a British play called Out
of Order, which is about a

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member of Parliament called
Richard Willie.

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And it's a comedy farce.
And there's all sorts of silly

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things going on.
And I just turned to my friends

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without thinking and said, oh, I
could be in that play.

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I've got a British accent.
You know, I would.

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I wasn't an actor.
I, I was just saying it to as to

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pass the time.
I wasn't, I was really kidding.

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And my friend said, actually, I
know the director of the play

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who's leading the auditions.
You know, I reckon you should

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go.
I said, oh don't be ridiculous

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crazy.
I'm going back to England in

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three days time.
I'm never going to be stupid.

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I'm not, I'm not an actor,
what's the point?

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She said, well I think you
should go for fun.

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You know, just because you're on
holiday, you know, it'll be

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something exciting to do.
I said OK, I'll go.

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So when I got to the audition I
thought I might as well throw

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myself into this 100% and I did.
And I gave it my best shot.

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My sister-in-law, my brother's
wife's, an actress, so I knew a

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little bit about that and I'd
been dating an actress in London

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just before I left, so I thought
I could give it a good shot.

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Anyway, long the story short,
when I got back to England I got

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a call from the director saying
we'd really like you to be in

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the play.
And I said well I'm in the UK,

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it's a long way.
He said, well I'm not coming

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back if it's a really small
part.

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He said no, we want you to be
the lead role in the play, the

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main character, you know, he
says it has 3 or 400 lines every

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night.
I said you're kidding me, you

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Are you sure?
Because I've got no experience.

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They said yeah, we think you'd
be perfect.

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And that was a life changing
moment for me.

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And so I did go back to
Australia and I was in the play

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and it was Briam.
And from that point on I kind of

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really took a new look at life
and thought I don't need to stay

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in the same lane that I'm in.
That was the beginning of a big

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journey of reinvention.
So did you continue the the

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acting path?
Is that where that was your one

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true path?
No.

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But it was really when the play
was finishing up and I was about

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to fly back to England, I
noticed I had a feeling of dread

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in my body as I was heading back
to become Ray the business, Ray

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the Bochum Brekken businessman
in London again with a net, you

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know, to have to go back and
pick up the pieces of the

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company and go forward with it,
etcetera.

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I just noticed I all of my
feeling in my body was, no, I

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didn't want to do that.
And I was thinking about it and

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then I suddenly realised that
I'd been three months in

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Australia learning consciously
how to become a character called

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George, the character I had to
play in the play.

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I had to learn what George wore,
had to learn his voice.

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I had to learn what George says
in certain moments.

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I had to learn, you know, all
his mannerisms and had become

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that character.
And then so when I was flying

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home, reflecting on that
suddenly occurred to me.

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First time I've ever thought it
in my entire life.

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Hang on a minute, Ray, the
businessman is just the

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character too.
Had never ever thought of it in

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that perspective before.
And I think that was the gift of

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me going to look after my
friend, that I got cast in a

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play and had to become a
character because that gave me

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the framework to have that
insight.

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And that was a life changing
insight, really life changing

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because I realised, I think
Anthony Robbins says it in his

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one of his books.
He says you're not just the

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actor in your life.
If you are, you've got very

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limited options, but you're also
the scriptwriter and the

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director and you can move
between all those three

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positions constantly to design
your life the way you want to.

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And I realise, gosh, I don't
need to play the role of Ray the

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businessman.
I can, but I can rewrite the

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script a bit or I can direct the
scene differently, or I could

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close the company but carry on.
Or, or I could just end the

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series and kill that character
off completely.

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So I chose the latter and that's
what I decided to do.

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And that was the beginning
because I thought I'd take a six

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month sabbatical is the honest
truth.

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Friends had suggested it, I
thought was a good idea.

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They said take a six month
sabbatical and go backpacking or

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something.
So I, I started closing my life

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down to to do that.
It didn't go according to plan

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and it really went badly wrong.
I ended up living out of my

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backpack on that sabbatical for
14 years.

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And that was the journey that
inspired the book, which got

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published chronicling that
entire journey.

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On the stress that I didn't see
14.

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Years. 14 years, yeah.
Living out of a backpack.

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Yeah, yeah.
Wow, yeah.

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And that was life changing
because once I decided to go out

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into the the wilderness, you
know, like the unknown.

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Joseph Campbell talks about this
in the hero's journey, doesn't

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he?
You know, the arc of every

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hero's journey is the you leave
the no world to go into the

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unknown, to conquer something,
deal with something terribly

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difficult.
You learn through the challenge

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and you get called to the
challenge and you, you sometimes

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you might waver a bit and then
you get through the challenge

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and you take the wisdom and
insight you gain back to the old

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world you came from.
That's the third phase of the

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journey and share the knowledge
and wisdom.

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So my life, my life was
mirroring that arc archetypal

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storyline.
Was it during that journey,

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during the 14 years that you
decided I'm going to share this

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as a book, or did that come
after you completed it?

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All Yeah, yeah, it was, it was I
leapt to to really with the

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intention of healing myself
because I was so broken and to

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get new fresh insight on what
next.

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But I never, I never had any
intention of writing.

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But one of the things I did
early on in the journey was I

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realised I was very scared, very
anxious when I was travelling.

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It all looked great on the
surface, but inside I was full

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of shame about having failed in
my marriage.

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And I was very anxious mainly.
And so I designed a set of

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guiding principles that I could
live by, 10 guiding principles,

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which I also documented in the
book because I needed a way of

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managing my psychology so I
could stay safe in the journey

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of transition I was in.
I read a book about transitions

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by William Bridges, and he said,
you know, it's a very important

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time to be conscious because
first there's an ending of

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something and later there's a
new beginning.

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But between those two periods,
there's a there's a time period

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which he describes as the
neutral zone.

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And he said during the neutral
zone the rules, the same rules

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as the life, don't apply because
you've got to set up temporary

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structures, not make any big
decisions.

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Nothing feels the same.
It's all moving and shifting and

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that period could last anything
from days to weeks to months to

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sometimes even in years for some
people.

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So I was very aware of that.
So I sat down one day and

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thought, what do I need to bring
to my awareness?

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And I thought, well, I came up
with 10 guiding principles.

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I won't go through them all, but
one of them, for example, was

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self acceptance.
I've been giving myself a really

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tough time.
I was very self critical.

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I thought I need to just love
and accept myself as I am right

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now and give myself a lot of
love and encouragement and

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support and really be kind to
myself for a while.

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I need to be following the
principle of non attachment

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because I don't want to be
attached to having to achieve

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anything or make a specific
outcome happen or prove to

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others that I'm still successful
or something.

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00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:22,040
I need to be not attached to
anything that happens but be

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open and curious and let life
guide me and explore whatever

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feels good to my soul and allow
myself to do that.

293
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And there was others like
frugality, modesty, because I

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was living on a budget now,
travelling and I didn't want to

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accumulate things I didn't need.
So I said I started to live by

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these guiding principles and
took it from there.

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And do those same principles,
are they still guiding your

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00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:51,400
life?
Yeah, very much, yeah.

299
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Yeah, all the time.
That's why I shared them,

300
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because I think it's important
for everyone to have their own

301
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,040
guiding principles for life and
they.

302
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,280
And yeah.
Yours are the only 10.

303
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:04,840
No, I mean, I, those were the
ones that I think most applied

304
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:08,280
to me at the time.
But you know, they're, they're,

305
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,640
there's, they're things you can
modify, I think because when

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you're doing a lot of reflection
on what's happening, I think

307
00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:17,760
it's important to, to, to change
what you're focusing on

308
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,880
sometimes.
But I think in general, it works

309
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:24,880
to know you know what your own
guiding principles are through,

310
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,720
through understanding what's
important to you.

311
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,480
Like one of my principles,
another one was connection.

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00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,840
I know that it's important for
me to be connected to my friends

313
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:36,240
and family and my life feels
richer when I am and I feel

314
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:38,080
really out of sorts when I'm
not.

315
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,640
And so I thought, how can I
connect?

316
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:43,280
I'm in Asia, I'm thousands of
miles away from my friends and

317
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,760
family.
And what the idea that came to

318
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:48,680
me, this is obviously 2005.
Things have changed since then.

319
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,200
But the idea that came to me was
to write A blog about what I was

320
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:55,560
doing because those were new and
they were just emerging.

321
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:59,840
So I got online, I learned the
tools of writing A blog, started

322
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:04,480
a blog called The Daily Explorer
and started posting stories

323
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:07,280
about where I was, what I was
learning, what I was, what

324
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:10,520
knowledge I was gaining and, and
I did it very tongue in cheek.

325
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,280
It was written in the third
person.

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00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:17,480
So it had its own journalist
called Mozzie Bite, and Ray was

327
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:20,560
just the person who was
interviewed every week to find

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00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:22,560
out where he was and what he was
saying.

329
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:26,200
But I, I, that started me as a
writer.

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I mean, I didn't do any writing
before that.

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And so I started to write and
enjoyed that process and made a

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00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:34,440
record of everywhere I went.
And lo and behold, lots of

333
00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:36,080
people really enjoyed reading
it.

334
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,640
I got lots of messages every day
and every week from people who

335
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:42,320
had read it and so I felt really
connected by doing that and that

336
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,520
honoured one of my guiding
principles, which was to be

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00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:48,240
connected.
In in hindsight, did you, were

338
00:17:48,240 --> 00:17:52,920
you living by any of these
principles as Ray the CEO and

339
00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:54,320
just not realized?
Yeah, it's a really good

340
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,680
question.
I think partially, but not

341
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,080
fully.
No, no, I wasn't.

342
00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,760
I can see looking back now that
I definitely wasn't.

343
00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:05,800
And if you had, you would some
of that malaise.

344
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,520
Oh gosh, Andy, I wish I knew the
answer to that.

345
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,480
Possibly, I, you know, I would
have to think that

346
00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:13,160
hypothetically that possibly it
would.

347
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:16,120
It's hard to go backwards in my
thinking like that because it's,

348
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:19,040
you know, I, I, I just, I'm just
so grateful for the journey that

349
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:23,040
I've had out.
Of 14 years, Yeah, man.

350
00:18:23,120 --> 00:18:25,080
Or or does it, does it keep
unfolding?

351
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:26,800
Yeah, it is having insight,
Yeah.

352
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,960
Yeah, so like after six months,
I hadn't, even though I was

353
00:18:30,080 --> 00:18:33,840
following these guiding
principles as best I could, I

354
00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:37,280
hadn't shaken off the sense of
anxiety and cons.

355
00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,640
And obviously I met lots of
travellers too, and I always

356
00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,560
talk to them about these things.
And one of them said, why don't

357
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:44,360
you go and do a Vipassana
retreat?

358
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:46,440
And I said, I have no idea what
you're talking about.

359
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:48,240
What is that?
I've never heard of it.

360
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,320
He said, well, you're going to a
Buddhist monastery for 10 days

361
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:53,720
and you meditate in silence with
the monks and they teach you

362
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:55,360
about the Dharma, the Buddhist
teaching.

363
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,800
I I thought, I've never been
silent for 10 minutes.

364
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:02,040
I don't know how, how anyone
could be sort of not say a

365
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:05,120
single word for 10 days.
That's impossible, I thought.

366
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:07,840
But the more he spoke about and
described his experience of

367
00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,680
doing it, the more excited in my
body I felt.

368
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:14,160
And I thought DAP just this is
what I was learning through this

369
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:17,040
journey.
It was the feeling I had when he

370
00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:19,480
spoke about it that was drawing
me.

371
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:23,920
Not my intellect but my rational
mind or any logical thoughts.

372
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:27,880
And I started to trust and
follow that instinct way more,

373
00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:29,680
which I never did in my previous
life.

374
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:35,440
And I, I started to do that more
and more and then look for what

375
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,560
I call now confirmation signals
that it's the right choice.

376
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,680
And, and so I went on the
Vipassana retreat.

377
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,160
And after 10 days, when I
emerged, I came out like a

378
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,600
totally different version of
Ray.

379
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:50,880
It was like if I had a volume
knob on the side of my head.

380
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,200
When I went in, it had been a 10
out of 10 in terms of crazy

381
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:57,200
white noise in my head.
But when I walked out, it was

382
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,720
like one or two out of 10.
It was like someone had turned

383
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:03,000
the noise right down.
I felt really calm, grounded.

384
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,280
I just had a different outlook
on life.

385
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:09,120
From that moment, I thought, you
know, I really want to join some

386
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:12,080
kind of community where I get to
meditate regularly because I

387
00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:15,120
could see how I've never done it
before in my life, but I could

388
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:17,680
see how powerful it was.
And I thought, do you know what?

389
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:19,960
One day I bet you're all
businessmen.

390
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:23,120
All CEOs are going to be into
mindful mindfulness and

391
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:24,840
meditation.
And now they are.

392
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:26,400
I would just be totally
everywhere.

393
00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:29,080
But in those days, it wasn't.
Can you still tell the

394
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:32,440
difference in the level of noise
kind of in your own mind since

395
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,280
that retreat?
Yeah, I mean, I'm much more

396
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:36,440
aware of that.
Yeah, I obviously get date like

397
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:39,240
any other person.
I have days where my noise

398
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:42,040
level's crazy off the charts and
I have other days when I'm calm,

399
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,160
you know, it never stops.
I mean, that's the, that's the

400
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,840
wonderful thing about the
mindfulness journey.

401
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:49,360
It's not like you cure yourself
and it's gone forever.

402
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,120
It's like it's, I think it's
just the same as being an

403
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:55,360
athlete or a sports person.
You know, you have to train

404
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:58,080
constantly to maintain a certain
level of fitness.

405
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:00,720
And if you stop training, you
get unfit.

406
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:02,560
I mean, it's as simple as that.
And it's the same with

407
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:05,040
mindfulness.
If you stop the practice, you

408
00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:10,400
become unmindful, less mindful.
So does gaining this new

409
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,200
practice of meditation and
mindfulness.

410
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,080
Was that is that one of the most
powerful tools that you found?

411
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,720
It was for me at the time, it
just changed everything.

412
00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:20,880
And so then I started my
travelling took on a different

413
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:24,200
level of complexion then because
I started to notice a lot more

414
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,640
and become more aware of what
was going on.

415
00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,040
I mean I, I felt much more
connected to the communities I

416
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,120
was in.
I wasn't a tourist any longer,

417
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:35,160
was seeing things that were
touching my heart.

418
00:21:35,560 --> 00:21:38,560
Like, for example, I went to an
elephant sanctuary in Thailand

419
00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:41,840
that have really had a big
impact on me because they were

420
00:21:41,840 --> 00:21:46,040
rescuing elephants who were
damaged or hurt and needed to be

421
00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:49,480
cut, taken care of.
And I went to an orphanage in

422
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:52,120
Nepal when I was in the
Himalayas, and I ran a picnic

423
00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:54,720
for 60 orphan kids at the OR
there.

424
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:58,960
And I saw how much joy that
brought to those, to those kids.

425
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,440
And I thought, God, I wish I
could do more of this.

426
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,920
And then I started thinking,
what could I do?

427
00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:07,000
I want to do something that
could maybe raise some money for

428
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:11,040
those things and help them.
And I was, as I was travelling

429
00:22:11,040 --> 00:22:14,280
and pondering on this, the
universe was directing me to the

430
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,280
right people always.
I don't know how that works, but

431
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:19,560
it just does.
Once you ask the question, as

432
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,520
Tony Robbins said, your
questions determine your life

433
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:26,400
because he says it is what is
the quest I am on?

434
00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,040
You know the word question, what
is the quest I am on?

435
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:33,240
And so questions help form the
shape of your life.

436
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,840
And so the question I was asked
was how, what can I do to raise

437
00:22:36,840 --> 00:22:41,440
money for these causes and how
can I integrate that?

438
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,440
And then by chance, I got
invited to a meal one evening

439
00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:48,080
with a couple, an English couple
living in a place called Chiang

440
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:50,680
Mai in Thailand, in the north of
Thailand.

441
00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:54,120
And Matt Campbell, his name was
the guy.

442
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:56,000
And I said, what do you do for
leisure?

443
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,360
He said, oh, I'm a marathon
runner.

444
00:22:57,360 --> 00:23:00,520
I've run 6 marathons.
He was about 10 years younger

445
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:02,960
than me.
I was 49 when I met him.

446
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,080
I said, tell me about what's it
like to run a marathon, and he

447
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:09,160
just described it.
I had that same excited feeling

448
00:23:09,160 --> 00:23:13,080
in my body when the guy spoke
about the pastor and I knew, I

449
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,800
just knew that that was a thing
that I wanted to explore.

450
00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:20,000
So I said to him, Matt, do you
think I could run a marathon?

451
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,440
Because I want to do this thing
to raise money for the orphanage

452
00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:24,080
Boa.
He looked at me and he said,

453
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:25,760
well, you look quite fit.
He said, I'll tell you what,

454
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,760
I'll make a deal with you.
He said if you stay here in

455
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:31,520
Chiang Mai for six months, I
will train you how to run a

456
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:33,720
marathon so you can take part in
one.

457
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,880
I'll get you ready if you're
willing to do everything I tell

458
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:39,880
you, of course.
So I said, OK, it's a deal.

459
00:23:39,880 --> 00:23:43,480
So I decided to stay there and I
trained up and I managed to get

460
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:46,760
a place in the New York Marathon
in 2009.

461
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:51,040
And that had been a dream of
mine for a couple of years up to

462
00:23:51,040 --> 00:23:54,880
that point because I I visited
New York on my travels in 2007,

463
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,880
and I watched the end of the New
York Marathon in Central Park

464
00:23:57,880 --> 00:24:00,680
with a friend who lived there.
And she turned to me and said,

465
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:03,000
do you think you'll ever run a
marathon in your life?

466
00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:06,880
I said, no, not a chance.
She said, oh, OK, I said, but if

467
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,600
I did, I said, I definitely want
to do this one because this is

468
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:11,760
like the best marathon in the
world, the New York Marathon.

469
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,600
And I said it and just forgot
about it.

470
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,240
But then when Matt said to me,
what race do you want to run in,

471
00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:19,880
I said, I know it's probably a
bit ambitious, but actually I'd

472
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:21,640
like to run in the New York
Marathon.

473
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:24,840
I've no idea how to get a place.
He said, well, there's a ballot.

474
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:27,040
You enter it, you just keep your
fingers crossed.

475
00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:29,720
So I entered the ballot for the
New York Marathon.

476
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:35,200
I've got a place first time.
No, immediately I, that was a

477
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,800
confirmation signal that I was
meant to be in that race.

478
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:41,120
So I went there and I managed to
raise through my efforts of

479
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:44,120
fundraising, which I became a
full time fundraiser as well.

480
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:48,560
I managed to raise about $15,000
by running the New York

481
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:50,920
Marathon.
And then I obviously the next

482
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,680
thing after the race was over in
2000 and was to take the money

483
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:58,280
back to the Elephant Nature Park
and the, to the orphanage in the

484
00:24:58,280 --> 00:25:02,160
PAL and a cancer charity that
I'd supported 3 causes and

485
00:25:02,160 --> 00:25:05,400
distribute the money and make,
get it spent and get it deployed

486
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,240
into those communities.
I kept, I supervised it all so

487
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:12,120
no leakage could take place and
made sure it was all used fully.

488
00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:14,960
And I was doing this all myself.
Andy and I had no staff, no

489
00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:18,320
team, it's just me.
I did everything and I'd never

490
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:20,120
done it before.
So I sort of make it up as I was

491
00:25:20,120 --> 00:25:23,000
going along.
But I really enjoyed it and that

492
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:25,960
I felt really fulfilled.
And obviously the people who the

493
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,840
money was going to were thrilled
to bits, of course.

494
00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:32,440
And so that was, yeah, that took
two years on that project.

495
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:35,640
You know, it was life changing.
And you're not just healing.

496
00:25:35,640 --> 00:25:39,760
No, now you're.
Healing so many others and and

497
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:43,480
again finding out that that your
service is healing as well.

498
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:44,920
Exactly.
And that's powerful.

499
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,640
And now I'm in a different phase
of the journey because I left in

500
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:51,520
2005, now it's 2010 and all the
money's been distributed.

501
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:55,800
And now people are saying, as I
meet them and travel and they're

502
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,000
asking me about what they say.
How long you been travelling?

503
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,240
I say five years and they go
five years.

504
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:02,120
How come you know?
And I tell them about the

505
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:05,000
foundation and the money raising
and the divorce and everything

506
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:07,400
and all the stories that go with
that because there's quite a lot

507
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:10,800
and the play, you know, and
they're going after those

508
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,640
conversations.
They're saying, do you know what

509
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:15,800
rate if you ever write a book,
would you e-mail me and tell me

510
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:17,840
Because I'd be really fascinated
to read it.

511
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:20,640
And I used to laugh and say,
GNR, I'm not kidding.

512
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,120
I'm not writing a book.
But then when at least fifty

513
00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:25,840
people have said that, I
thought, Oh my gosh, the

514
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:28,840
universe wants me to write a
book and keep getting this

515
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:31,520
message.
And then it got to 100, you

516
00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:34,160
know, and I thought, right, OK,
I need to write a book.

517
00:26:34,880 --> 00:26:38,320
So in 2011, I thought, started
thinking about, I don't know how

518
00:26:38,320 --> 00:26:39,840
to write a book.
I better learn.

519
00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:43,600
Just saw an announcement in
Facebook that year that some big

520
00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:48,000
shot literary author agent from
New York was coming to Chiang

521
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:51,680
Mai where I was to teach A5 day
writers course.

522
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,680
And so I, I wrote, I reached out
to her and wrote to her and said

523
00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:57,200
I'm this is who I am.
I want to learn how to write a

524
00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:00,640
book because of these reasons.
And I said I can't afford your

525
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:02,120
course.
It's $1200.

526
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:04,400
I said, could I need to pay
$500.00 at the most?

527
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,080
Would that be OK?
She said, yeah, that's fine.

528
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:11,000
And I joined that program and
that's where I got the idea for

529
00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:14,560
the actual name of the book and
sort of the outline and the

530
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:17,480
theme of it.
I didn't actually start writing

531
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:19,920
it, to be really honest.
I didn't start seriously writing

532
00:27:19,920 --> 00:27:23,400
it till 2015.
So it was then a four year gap

533
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:27,760
while I carried on the journey.
And then in 2015 when I was by

534
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:30,680
then, I was spending quite a lot
of time in Poland because I had

535
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:34,440
a girlfriend who was from there
and I started writing in the

536
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:37,320
summers and write.
That's when the book finished.

537
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:40,280
Took me 6 years to write the
book while I was in the journey

538
00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,680
and I finished in 2021.
Wow.

539
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:44,960
Yeah, yeah.
So it's, yeah, it's going to

540
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,040
take a long time to write a book
that you're still living.

541
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:49,000
Yeah, I was still living the
journey, so I didn't know the, I

542
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:50,960
didn't know how to how to end
the book.

543
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:55,080
I really genuinely didn't.
I returned to the UK in 2019,

544
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:59,440
which was 14 years after I left,
and that gave me an end point in

545
00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:02,720
terms of telling the story.
It's obviously not the end, but.

546
00:28:03,160 --> 00:28:06,640
What made that be the time that
you're coming off the road and

547
00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:07,960
you're going to stay put for a
little bit?

548
00:28:08,240 --> 00:28:12,000
Because I broke up after five
years in the relationship with

549
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:15,280
the Polish woman I was with and
a relationship came to an end.

550
00:28:15,360 --> 00:28:20,400
I then realised my major reason
for being in Poland had expired.

551
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:25,520
Because I was there to be her.
I had no job or tie to the place

552
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:28,080
or no real deep connections
myself.

553
00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:31,280
I liked living there because of
the nature of the town.

554
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:34,000
The city of Warsaw was lovely,
but I didn't.

555
00:28:34,320 --> 00:28:37,320
I felt it was time.
I just knew, it's a bit like,

556
00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:40,680
you know, I'd been so used to
knowing the energy and the

557
00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:43,160
feeling in my body when these
things were happening.

558
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:48,240
I knew it was time to to go to
do something different.

559
00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:51,800
And I used to sit in meditation
in this little apt I rented in

560
00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:55,720
Warsaw and asked for guidance.
And in the quietness and the

561
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:58,800
stillness of my meditation, I
kept getting the same guidance.

562
00:28:58,800 --> 00:29:02,480
And it was, I want you just to
go back to the UK and finish the

563
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:04,360
book.
Go back to the UK and finish the

564
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:06,880
book and then you'll know what
to do next.

565
00:29:07,400 --> 00:29:10,680
So that's what I did.
Exactly what I did, yeah.

566
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:13,400
Sounds like you really developed
this skill to have the the

567
00:29:13,440 --> 00:29:14,480
universe on speed.
Dial.

568
00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:17,120
Yeah, kind of.
Of your, your guidance and the

569
00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:21,600
confirmations and the
manifestations, all amazing

570
00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:25,920
accuracy and speed and and
completion and success and.

571
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:29,920
Yeah, I can't say I'm 100%
always able to to tap in like

572
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:32,440
that.
But the more I maintained my

573
00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:37,120
mindfulness practice and the
more trust I put in that system

574
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,520
of navigation.
Because that's the thing, a lot

575
00:29:39,520 --> 00:29:40,920
of us don't trust that
intuition.

576
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:44,040
We have the feeling, we get the
duck feeling, get the sense, but

577
00:29:44,040 --> 00:29:48,000
then our minds somehow override
it or talk us out of it.

578
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:52,000
So it takes a little bit of
adjustment and courage, I think,

579
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,560
to get used to living like that.
But with the I love your notion

580
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:58,360
of the confirmation signals.
And I always tell people, you

581
00:29:58,360 --> 00:30:01,160
know, start to to experiment
with your intuition to start

582
00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:03,040
with, really start with things
that don't really matter much,

583
00:30:03,040 --> 00:30:06,080
like, you know, where to go to
eat or which, you know, left or

584
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,240
right to go home tonight and
things like that, that don't

585
00:30:08,240 --> 00:30:11,400
have a big negative impact if
you're, you know, off a bit.

586
00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:13,720
But but yeah, trust those
synchronicities.

587
00:30:13,720 --> 00:30:16,120
And again, when when you have
the thought and then the then

588
00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:18,320
then the people show up like the
clash you wanted to take, like,

589
00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:20,000
yeah, right.
Exactly.

590
00:30:20,000 --> 00:30:22,960
So that's but then even when it
shows that that person shows up,

591
00:30:22,960 --> 00:30:24,360
you go, is this the right
course?

592
00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:27,120
So I said to her, not only I
said two things.

593
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:29,880
I said, is this a course for
authors because I'm not an

594
00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:33,040
author?
I would I get in the way and can

595
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:35,160
I do it for less cost, less
money?

596
00:30:35,320 --> 00:30:37,920
I thought if she says yes to
those two things, I know it's

597
00:30:37,920 --> 00:30:39,200
the right thing.
Yeah.

598
00:30:39,320 --> 00:30:40,480
And she did.
And that gave me the

599
00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:42,600
confirmation signal, so.
Yeah, I know.

600
00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:45,480
In addition to your principles
and and the mindfulness

601
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:48,120
activities and practices you've
learned, you also came up with

602
00:30:48,120 --> 00:30:50,240
six rules of happiness.
Can you can you tell me?

603
00:30:50,240 --> 00:30:52,320
About those.
I was, you know, really

604
00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:55,520
encouraged by my editors when I
was writing the book to do that.

605
00:30:55,520 --> 00:30:57,720
And I'm glad they did because
that's been one of the things

606
00:30:57,720 --> 00:31:02,600
that people have really enjoyed
and asked me a lot about, you

607
00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:04,720
know, what are the rules for
being happy?

608
00:31:04,720 --> 00:31:08,680
And and so I sat down quite some
time to try and tease those out

609
00:31:08,680 --> 00:31:11,360
and reflect on those.
But broadly, you know, the first

610
00:31:11,360 --> 00:31:15,960
rule for happiness in my world
is I've seen how powerful it is

611
00:31:15,960 --> 00:31:19,480
to build a strong foundational
core strength.

612
00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:23,160
I call it within oneself.
And what I mean by that is some

613
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:25,640
specific things.
So one of the elements of your

614
00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:27,880
core strength is what's my
purpose?

615
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:29,800
Why am I here?
You know, what am I doing

616
00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:31,040
anything?
What's the reason I'm doing

617
00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:33,360
anything Simon Sinek talks
about?

618
00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:35,840
Start with why.
Yes, this is the why part.

619
00:31:36,320 --> 00:31:39,320
Why am I doing what I'm doing?
Purpose.

620
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:42,200
Second part of the core is
values.

621
00:31:42,240 --> 00:31:46,320
You know what's most important
to me, irrespective of what job

622
00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:51,000
title I am or where I live or
what my address is, what

623
00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:53,240
experiences are important on a
daily basis?

624
00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:57,080
Like for me, my, what I, what's
really important to me is I, I

625
00:31:57,080 --> 00:32:00,600
feel like I like having a sense
of freedom in the way I think

626
00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:03,120
and act.
I feel like I want to act with

627
00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:05,560
integrity.
I hate anything that's lacking

628
00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:09,520
in integrity, a corruption,
lying, you know, people not

629
00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:12,480
doing what they've agreed to do,
stuff like that just drives me

630
00:32:12,480 --> 00:32:15,600
nuts.
So freedom, integrity, love.

631
00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:18,960
It's very, very important to me
that I relate and people relate

632
00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:23,280
around me with kindness and
compassion, you know, in their

633
00:32:23,280 --> 00:32:26,320
interactions with each other.
So that's, I'm a big supporter

634
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:29,840
of that value and exploration,
you know, I, I'm the kind of

635
00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:34,200
person who really values going
into the unknown, you know,

636
00:32:34,200 --> 00:32:37,120
always I need to be learning or
discovering something new

637
00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:40,520
because I keep very easily bored
if I don't do that.

638
00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:44,120
So those I realised through the
time I had to reflect on these

639
00:32:44,120 --> 00:32:45,840
things, those are my core
values.

640
00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:49,240
So purpose values, what's your
vision, you know, where are you

641
00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:50,840
headed?
What's the picture you're trying

642
00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:54,920
to write?
And I did an 8 day workshop in

643
00:32:54,920 --> 00:32:58,200
2010 at the midway point called
the Hoffman Process.

644
00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:02,760
It's widely known around the
world in self development

645
00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:05,680
circles.
And I got the good fortune to do

646
00:33:05,680 --> 00:33:08,000
this process.
And so I left that with a very

647
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:12,240
clear vision for my life.
Vision in terms of what what

648
00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:16,280
work I wanted to do, how I want,
what home life I wanted to

649
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:19,160
create, the kind of relationship
partnership I really wanted to

650
00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:22,000
build and how I wanted to show
up as a man in the world.

651
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:26,560
Those four areas were crystal
clear and to help people, I

652
00:33:26,560 --> 00:33:29,400
actually wrote my very
personalized vision in in the

653
00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:32,240
book so that people could see
what it looks like to have a

654
00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:35,320
vision and how it's structured
and to describe the process I

655
00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:39,040
went through to get to that.
So vision values, purpose,

656
00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:41,080
knowing when you're in your
element.

657
00:33:41,120 --> 00:33:43,800
You know, like Sir Ken Robinson
was a brilliant teacher and

658
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:47,000
author, amazing guy.
He died a couple of years ago,

659
00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:49,440
but he said you've got these
things in your life that you're

660
00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:51,840
naturally good at, you've got a
real talent for and you're

661
00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:54,360
really their strengths.
And you've got these things

662
00:33:54,360 --> 00:33:56,640
which are passions, things you
really care about.

663
00:33:57,200 --> 00:34:00,600
And when you're doing something
which is intersecting the two,

664
00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:04,320
you are in your element.
And you could do that all day

665
00:34:04,320 --> 00:34:08,120
long, 24 hours, you know, you'd
never run out of energy because

666
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:12,120
you're right in the crosshairs.
And so how do you get, how do

667
00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:15,800
you build a life where you spend
more time in your element than

668
00:34:15,800 --> 00:34:18,840
you currently do?
How can you keep increasing the

669
00:34:18,840 --> 00:34:22,239
amount of time you spend in your
element, whatever that is, you

670
00:34:22,239 --> 00:34:25,000
know?
And then the last part of it is

671
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:28,719
what are the driving forces that
are sitting below your conscious

672
00:34:28,719 --> 00:34:31,199
mind that are influencing your
decisions?

673
00:34:31,199 --> 00:34:33,159
And they're universal to all
humans.

674
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:37,440
So the need for belonging, the
need to give service, the need

675
00:34:37,440 --> 00:34:41,080
for recognition, the need for
variety, the need for security,

676
00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:44,679
sometimes these are all common
needs we all have to meet in our

677
00:34:44,679 --> 00:34:48,880
lives in some way that we don't
necessarily surface them

678
00:34:48,880 --> 00:34:51,800
consciously and say, oh, I'm
doing that because I actually

679
00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:53,840
need a feeling of security at
the moment.

680
00:34:53,840 --> 00:34:55,280
I hadn't really thought about
that.

681
00:34:55,719 --> 00:34:57,760
So all those elements go into
that solid.

682
00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:00,000
Foundation building the solid
foundation, it is all of those

683
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:00,960
things.
That's number one.

684
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:03,880
So my rule for happiness is to
pay attention to those things,

685
00:35:03,880 --> 00:35:06,920
reflect regularly on those
things, update with yourself

686
00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:09,720
about those things.
And it's like your dashboard.

687
00:35:10,240 --> 00:35:13,400
It's like, you know, when you're
sort of out of kilter, you can

688
00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:15,920
see.
Do I feel a bit weird at the

689
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:18,000
moment because something to do
with my purpose or is it my

690
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:20,120
vision?
Or am I, am I not acting out of

691
00:35:20,120 --> 00:35:24,360
my values or am I spending too
little time in my element or is

692
00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:28,440
there something driving me that
I'm not aware of or something

693
00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:30,360
like that?
And there's another part of that

694
00:35:30,520 --> 00:35:33,160
which I won't go into, but what
are the beliefs that I'm

695
00:35:33,160 --> 00:35:34,880
holding?
Because some beliefs are

696
00:35:34,880 --> 00:35:37,280
empowering me to really have a
great life.

697
00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:41,400
Other beliefs are limiting me
and I'm missing opportunities

698
00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:43,880
because of those limiting
beliefs that would actually

699
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:48,120
really fuel my development.
I'm turning them away,

700
00:35:48,120 --> 00:35:51,400
unconsciously or consciously.
So what are the that's just,

701
00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:53,120
that's number one.
These aren't just, these aren't

702
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,360
just six cliches.
These there's a lot of there's a

703
00:35:55,360 --> 00:35:58,320
lot of meat.
And obviously it's hard.

704
00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:03,000
I'm trying to sum up what takes
a few pages in in my book, but

705
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:06,960
the second one is I won't.
I'll just take to the top type

706
00:36:06,960 --> 00:36:09,560
levels.
The second one is taking 100%

707
00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:11,400
ownership for everything in your
life.

708
00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:15,400
That's a rule to be happy.
Because no one I know who blames

709
00:36:15,400 --> 00:36:18,680
everybody else for what their
situation is, or waits and hopes

710
00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:22,560
or makes excuses or uses the
external world to justify why

711
00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:26,320
they can't do something, then no
one in that place is generally

712
00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:29,880
the happiest they can be.
The people I know who are really

713
00:36:29,880 --> 00:36:32,320
happy are people who have really
taken ownership for the vision

714
00:36:32,320 --> 00:36:36,280
they've got and taking the steps
and actions necessary to really

715
00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:38,720
make that happen.
No matter what the obstacles

716
00:36:38,720 --> 00:36:39,960
are, how to get put in front of
them.

717
00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,400
And I know that to be true
myself, having founded a

718
00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:46,760
business and started a
foundation and quit being an

719
00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:50,120
award-winning CEO, which is a
really hard thing to do in some

720
00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:53,760
ways.
You know, there's always choices

721
00:36:53,760 --> 00:36:57,040
that you can make which where
you're taking full ownership and

722
00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:59,360
there they take courage.
So that's number two.

723
00:36:59,360 --> 00:37:03,760
Number three is about what I
call becoming your own observer.

724
00:37:04,080 --> 00:37:06,400
You know, we're conscious
beings.

725
00:37:06,760 --> 00:37:08,240
We're not the thoughts we're
having.

726
00:37:08,240 --> 00:37:10,600
We are the person who's thinking
those thoughts.

727
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:15,000
And so when you say, when you
say I'm Ray, I mean the I I'm

728
00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:19,480
talking about is the awareness
that Ray has thoughts.

729
00:37:20,200 --> 00:37:23,520
That's who my eye is.
It's not Ray the character who's

730
00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:26,640
Havoc is thinking.
I am the awareness that is

731
00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:29,040
conscious of the fact that Ray
does think.

732
00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:32,280
And it's a big shift to make.
But why I think that shifts

733
00:37:32,280 --> 00:37:36,280
essential was because a lot of
events in life have us freeze a

734
00:37:36,280 --> 00:37:40,880
bit in autopilot and we start
behaving and reacting in a way

735
00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:44,680
that's programmed and not in a
way we're consciously choosing

736
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:48,320
in that moment that's in the
best service to us.

737
00:37:48,440 --> 00:37:51,200
And, you know, a lot of people
get locked in in certain

738
00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:54,440
relationships to really bad
arguments and they go around in

739
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:56,400
circles and loops they can't get
out of.

740
00:37:56,680 --> 00:38:00,040
There's a lot of, you know, a
lot of conversations that don't

741
00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:04,200
work very well because people
are generally committed to being

742
00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:07,520
right instead of committed to
being open, curious and

743
00:38:07,520 --> 00:38:09,040
learning.
And that's a, that's a

744
00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:12,080
programmed way of living that
we're taught from the day we're

745
00:38:12,080 --> 00:38:13,320
little kids.
It's no one's fault.

746
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:15,880
It's not like it's very innocent
that it happens that way.

747
00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:18,640
Because when you're a child and
your parents are raising you,

748
00:38:19,200 --> 00:38:22,880
you kind of get be a good boy,
you get rewarded and be a bad

749
00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:26,840
boy, you get punished and you
get that dualistic punishment

750
00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:28,440
reward, good, bad, right?
Wrong.

751
00:38:28,560 --> 00:38:30,680
That's where your judgement
system is developed.

752
00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:32,880
And we spend the rest of our
lives judging everything.

753
00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:36,040
And so to live non judge
mentally as the Buddhists would

754
00:38:36,040 --> 00:38:39,920
direct you to live to observe,
become your own observer,

755
00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:43,240
observe without judgement.
That is a really hard adjustment

756
00:38:43,240 --> 00:38:47,160
to make in most cases, but well
worth pursuing because once you

757
00:38:47,760 --> 00:38:50,800
become more and more in the
observer role, you can see your

758
00:38:50,800 --> 00:38:54,400
own machinery working and the
limitations it places on you,

759
00:38:54,400 --> 00:38:58,000
and you can sidestep it.
So it's a really important rule

760
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:04,240
for happiness #4 is very much
about taking proactive

761
00:39:04,280 --> 00:39:06,000
responsibility for your
well-being.

762
00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:09,120
Because in the modern world, no
one's going to look after your

763
00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:13,200
spiritual, psychological, mental
and physical health.

764
00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:14,480
You know, you have to do that
yourself.

765
00:39:15,080 --> 00:39:18,600
And in the careers that a lot of
people I know are in, it's very

766
00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:22,680
easy to get burnt out,
stressful, anxious, overloaded,

767
00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:25,400
overwhelmed.
And what do we do when we're in

768
00:39:25,400 --> 00:39:27,280
those states?
Well, you know, we need certain

769
00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:31,720
practices and habits help us
return to our innate well-being,

770
00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:34,600
that place of inner peace that
calms.

771
00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:37,360
Needing to make make ourselves
the priority.

772
00:39:37,440 --> 00:39:41,080
And yeah, make ourselves, but
also we can't wait for someone

773
00:39:41,080 --> 00:39:43,040
else to step in and say, right,
do this.

774
00:39:43,480 --> 00:39:45,440
I'm going to take care of you
because they're not, you know,

775
00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:47,640
that's, you know, it's, it's
something we've really got to

776
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:50,840
take responsibility for
ourselves, take care of our own

777
00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:54,160
mental health, physical health,
spiritual health, emotional

778
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:55,160
health.
That's something we have to

779
00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:59,040
learn how to become better at
ourselves #5 is about what I

780
00:39:59,040 --> 00:40:03,760
call intentional relationships.
The happiest people I know are

781
00:40:03,760 --> 00:40:07,560
people that spend time with the
people they love and care about

782
00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:12,040
and sit down and say, how can we
be in this relationship?

783
00:40:12,040 --> 00:40:14,160
How can we be the most valuable
to each other?

784
00:40:14,160 --> 00:40:16,360
How can we really serve each
other's needs?

785
00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:20,160
What visions that we
individually have can we support

786
00:40:20,160 --> 00:40:23,560
each other with?
Let's not just have a cosy kind

787
00:40:23,560 --> 00:40:26,920
of accidental friendship.
Let's have an intentional

788
00:40:27,240 --> 00:40:30,680
relationship where we are
consciously and knowingly going

789
00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:33,640
to give each other radical
support, radical challenge, give

790
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:37,160
each other feedback, help each
other become the best versions

791
00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:38,760
of ourselves we can be.
And that's what our

792
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:42,040
relationship's about.
And I believe there's a massive

793
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:45,200
scope in that area for
intentional relationships, in

794
00:40:45,200 --> 00:40:48,080
your friendships, in your
family, at work particularly.

795
00:40:48,080 --> 00:40:51,000
There's a lot of scope at work
for most people who don't do

796
00:40:51,000 --> 00:40:52,920
that or not as much as they
would like.

797
00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:54,360
I think it's, I've seen it
changing.

798
00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:56,200
It's happening more and more in
what I can see.

799
00:40:56,200 --> 00:41:00,160
But building those intentional
relationships is important.

800
00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:02,200
Then the last one have rule
number six.

801
00:41:02,560 --> 00:41:05,800
And rule number six only works
if you're doing all the 1st 5

802
00:41:05,800 --> 00:41:09,800
rules already.
But assuming that you are the

803
00:41:09,800 --> 00:41:14,480
the sixth rule is to empower
others to do the same.

804
00:41:15,040 --> 00:41:17,880
Because I genuinely believe I've
seen it in my own life.

805
00:41:18,520 --> 00:41:21,160
You're only really truly happy
when you're seeing other people

806
00:41:21,160 --> 00:41:24,800
rise to their full potential as
well, and then you're helping

807
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:27,120
them do that.
And that's amazing to watch.

808
00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:30,600
And it's always the the saying
of, you know when you know

809
00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:32,520
something, you just think it.
But when you really know

810
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:34,440
something you're you're teaching
it, you're sharing.

811
00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:35,400
It.
Yeah, yeah, that's right.

812
00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:38,520
And so the more you can share
what you're learning as you're

813
00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:41,040
learning it, and the more you
can use that to empower others,

814
00:41:41,200 --> 00:41:44,280
the happier you're going to be.
And it's no question it's

815
00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:47,320
impossible not to be happy when
other people are growing around

816
00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:49,960
you.
Well, well, there's no doubt

817
00:41:50,320 --> 00:41:56,240
that you live these rules and
it's hard to imagine you in a

818
00:41:56,240 --> 00:41:58,720
down state on in that malaise
depression.

819
00:41:58,720 --> 00:42:00,920
I'll let you know those days you
can give me a call.

820
00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:04,080
OK, Well, that's awesome.
That's good to point out there.

821
00:42:04,080 --> 00:42:06,520
So they they do happen of.
Course isn't.

822
00:42:06,800 --> 00:42:08,600
It's not that you reach
happiness and there's just yeah,

823
00:42:08,800 --> 00:42:09,840
everything.
'S flying high.

824
00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:12,680
I'd be, I'd be absolutely lying
if, as if, as I said, that was

825
00:42:12,680 --> 00:42:13,760
true.
I mean, it happened less and

826
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:15,600
less.
But what's really great about

827
00:42:15,640 --> 00:42:20,240
having the resourcefulness
within is that you can shift out

828
00:42:20,240 --> 00:42:22,800
of those phases perhaps a bit
more easily.

829
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:27,480
It's easier to let go on or it's
easier to accept it's OK not to

830
00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:29,160
be OK.
You know, it's, you know, that's

831
00:42:29,440 --> 00:42:32,040
when people are feeling down.
They're trying, generally trying

832
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:35,120
to resist that feeling and get
out of it as quickly as

833
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:36,960
possible.
And it's the struggle to get out

834
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:41,280
of it that prolongs it.
But the acceptance of it saying,

835
00:42:41,280 --> 00:42:46,000
you know, I'm human.
I'm I, I'm not OK right now, but

836
00:42:46,000 --> 00:42:48,680
that's OK That I'm not OK
because I know it's going to

837
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:51,800
pass and I'm going to be OK
again, yeah.

838
00:42:51,880 --> 00:42:55,160
So sometimes feeling feeling
them the quote UN quote negative

839
00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:55,880
feeling.
Yeah.

840
00:42:56,120 --> 00:42:57,680
Is the quickest way to be
through.

841
00:42:57,680 --> 00:42:59,720
With it, yeah, I would
definitely recommend, you know,

842
00:42:59,720 --> 00:43:03,560
I, one of the teachers I learnt
the most about this from is

843
00:43:03,560 --> 00:43:05,440
Michael Singer.
He wrote a book called The

844
00:43:05,440 --> 00:43:08,440
Untethered Soul and Surrender
Experiment.

845
00:43:08,440 --> 00:43:12,040
And he's a brilliant, brilliant
teacher in this in this field,

846
00:43:12,040 --> 00:43:14,800
particularly surrendering to
those moments.

847
00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:17,840
Yeah, he's he's excellent.
So I highly recommend him.

848
00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:22,120
So what's the best way for
people to to learn about all the

849
00:43:22,120 --> 00:43:24,880
things that Ray Martin is up to
and and to and to get the book?

850
00:43:24,960 --> 00:43:28,240
Yeah, Life Without a Thai.
Well, I know people in the US

851
00:43:28,280 --> 00:43:30,400
generally buy it on Amazon.
That's probably the platform.

852
00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:34,080
Most book sales happen.
There's a there's a website that

853
00:43:34,080 --> 00:43:37,600
Life Without a thai.com.
And that came about because

854
00:43:38,040 --> 00:43:40,040
people who are reading the book
kept writing to me saying have

855
00:43:40,040 --> 00:43:41,280
you got any pictures of your
journey?

856
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:42,800
Because there's no pictures in
the book.

857
00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:46,240
So there's loads of photographs
from the 14 year journey on that

858
00:43:46,240 --> 00:43:48,240
site so they can have a look at
that.

859
00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:51,120
I'm on, I'm contactable on that
site.

860
00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:53,960
I'm on LinkedIn where I post a
lot of stuff on LinkedIn on

861
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:57,040
daily about life and leadership
and all that sort of stuff.

862
00:43:57,800 --> 00:44:00,240
So those are the some of the
ways that have created the

863
00:44:00,240 --> 00:44:02,000
easiest.
Beautiful.

864
00:44:02,720 --> 00:44:03,960
Definitely going to check out
the site.

865
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:07,520
And I, I love travel.
I'm a big traveller.

866
00:44:08,440 --> 00:44:12,080
Have not, I'm sure if I added
everything up, could I get close

867
00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:14,080
to 14 years?
I'm not even sure if I'm close.

868
00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:18,320
I love people that grow and then
share their growth.

869
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:20,360
Yeah, right.
It's not you're not just keeping

870
00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:21,680
it secret, not keeping it
private.

871
00:44:21,680 --> 00:44:24,240
You're out there sharing this
and and bringing bringing your

872
00:44:24,240 --> 00:44:26,560
smile to the world.
And I think.

873
00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:29,000
That's so admirable.
So thanks a lot.

874
00:44:29,040 --> 00:44:32,040
Thanks, Ray, for joining us.
Thanks for listening and tuning

875
00:44:32,040 --> 00:44:34,160
in.
Visit realmenfield.org.

876
00:44:34,160 --> 00:44:35,760
There'll be a blog post for this
episode.

877
00:44:35,760 --> 00:44:37,880
We'll have links to all the
resources discussed, all the

878
00:44:37,880 --> 00:44:41,720
books mentioned, everything and
how to track down rate and all

879
00:44:41,720 --> 00:44:44,240
the platforms he's on.
Wherever you were discovering

880
00:44:44,240 --> 00:44:46,520
Real Men Field, please
subscribe, follow, like, share

881
00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:48,280
this with somebody that would
get a benefit from it.

882
00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:51,200
Post a review or a comment.
If you're ready to challenge the

883
00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:54,280
beliefs that that life isn't
serving you very well, book a

884
00:44:54,280 --> 00:44:57,920
free clarity call with me at the
andygrant.com/talk.

885
00:44:58,600 --> 00:45:01,720
You can always reach out to me
at realmenfieldgmail.com.

886
00:45:02,120 --> 00:45:06,520
And until next time, be good to
yourself and be happy about it.