Life Without a Tie: A Journey of Self-Discovery with Ray Martin

0:00 Hello and welcome to Real Men Field. This is your host, author, coach and healer, Andy Grant. You can learn more about me at the andygrant.com. Real Men Feel reminds men that they are human beings and have the right to express and experience all of their emotions. We have conversations that most men are not having, but that all men can vent it from. My guest today is Ray Martin. Ray is an entrepreneur, award-winning business leader, coach, mentor, facilitator, speaker, author, and mindfulness teacher. But wait, there's more. He is a torch bearer for greater human consciousness and a marathon runner and fundraiser. Ray is on a mission to empower people to live authentically and to bring more joy and happiness into the world.

0:43 Sounds like my kind of dude. Ray shares his experience of losing his business, wife and father in a short period of time which led to him taking a sabbatical which did not go as planned and resulted in his book Life Without a Tie. We also discussed Ray's 6 rules of happiness, finding your true path, confirmation signals and the importance of knowing your values and having a vision. Let's do it. Hello Ray, and welcome to Real Men Field. Thank you. Good to be here. So you've got a. Quite an interesting experience and journey in your life. So let's let's start the beginning and why don't you tell me a little bit about your life and your prior life as ACEO? Sure.

1:27 Yeah, there I was following what I often refer to as the mainstream plan for life, which is, you know, you get a good job, get a career, get a home, get a wife, have some kids. We have the the blueprint that most of us follow when we're not thinking too much about deeper things. And and I've managed to follow that plan to reach, you know, a, a pretty good level. And I was CEO of a company I founded and we have a newspaper in the UK which some of your listeners might know called The Daily Telegraph. It's quite well known. And every year they choose a handful of people to receive business leadership awards.

2:08 And I was business leader of the year in 2002 as ACEO of that company. And, and so I was, you know, already known as someone that was interpersonal development and coaching and developing teams and leading with a vision and all of those sorts of things, which are fairly common now, But it back in those days it wasn't so common. But, you know, although I got all the badges to success, really, Andy, I, I sort of felt that I wasn't truly happy. It sort of felt to me in some ways like I was living someone else's life in, in the hard ways. And I never really was sure why that was.

2:50 I felt like that, but I sort of felt a bit kind of lost in some way that I'd ended up living someone else's life a little bit. And, and sometimes I get quite depressed about that and try and console myself by saying, Oh well, I'm really lucky. I've got everything a person could wish for. And that kind of worked for a little while, but I was sort of went back to that kind of melancholy feeling, thinking something's not right. And then one day quite suddenly and that unexpectedly, my business partner, who was the woman I was married to, who founded the company with me, she's came back from a meeting and said, I'm leaving you and I'm leaving the company. And it was a massive, massive shock.

3:31 I didn't see it coming. It was, you know, it ripped my life apart at that moment. And pretty much the same time that happened, my father got very unwell and he passed away. So within a three or four month period, my life as I knew it was imploding. I was not in my home. I was leaving the company I founded. I was going to be divorced and my dad had gone. And it left me bewildered and in a sort of state of kind of chaotic destruction and very dark period of time for me followed from there. So that that's that's kind of like what set me up to go on the journey that I've described in in the book of life out of time. But Even so, even before those three big losses, you were already having periods of not being as happy as you thought you could be or should be.

4:22 Yeah, I've spoken to lots and lots of people since that happened to me. And certainly through my coaching work, I meet people who echo that kind of feeling, which is they're, they're not on what I would call their own true path. And I think that's a common experience for quite a lot of people. Well, at least I didn't know about it when I was experiencing it, but I've since discovered it's a fairly common experience. Yeah, yeah, right. So you're in this you've, you know, it feels like you've lost everything. Yep. You're you're not feeling too great. No, Feeling awful. Awful. Like, yeah, you want the world to swallow you up. You, you know, it sort of feels like the end of life, which is not a good feeling. Yeah. And so it was.

5:03 How long did that last and what did you do? Or did you do something to end it? Yeah, I, I would say that I was just stuck in that spiral downward spiral for about a year. I felt like, yeah, maybe a bit less, but around about a year. And then one day I remembered a piece of, I don't know how I remembered, but I remembered a piece of advice that a mentor years ago had given to me. And he said, if you ever get into a place of despair and you really can't see a way out of it, one of the things that's recommended is that you choose someone who you know, who really, really needs help or support and just go into service and, and 100% go and help them and forget about yourself for a while, you know, And so I thought I remembered that just came to me.

5:49 I don't know why. And I thought that's a great, that's a great suggestion that because I really couldn't think my way out of the mess I was in. The more I thought about it, it felt like worse it got and there just didn't seem to be a way out through thinking. And I've since understood why that is, but I at the time I didn't. And, and so I actually started to reach out to my friends and I found out that one of my really good friends who'd moved to Australia from from the, the UK couple of years before with her husband Matt, who I knew I'd found out she had breast cancer and she was about to go through chemotherapy and they had a very young son. So I contacted her and I said how would you feel if I came over to Australia for a month and just took care of you and Pete and that and did whatever I could to support you while you're in this journey?

6:37 She said, oh Ray, that would be fantastic, that would be really lovely. So I did. So I sort of shut everything down and went to Australia for a month and just prayed and hoped because the advice was go and help someone else for a while and something will emerge, some breakthrough will happen, some universal guidance will follow. So I did that for about 3 or 4 weeks and at the end of that period I felt really happy that I'd done it and I was quietened down and I wasn't feeling so low. But that's not universal guidance games, no big breakthrough. I thought, Oh well that's not, this doesn't work very well then because it doesn't say in the advice how long you have to wait and when you're done this Axel service, you know when it's coming.

7:22 And then I had another friend in Australia. I thought, oh, I'll visit while I'm here because it's such a long way from England to Australia. I contacted her and she said, yeah, come and stay for a few days. So I, I did. And one one night she said me and my mum are going to see a play at the theatre in our town. Would you like to come? And I said, OK, so we're at the play, watching the play. And in the interval during the play, I'm reading the programme to see who the actors are and read about their BIOS. And I saw a notice in the programme saying there's an audition for the next play at this theatre. It's a British play called Out of Order, which is about a member of Parliament called Richard Willie. And it's a comedy farce. And there's all sorts of silly things going on. And I just turned to my friends without thinking and said, oh, I could be in that play.

8:08 I've got a British accent. You know, I would. I wasn't an actor. I, I was just saying it to as to pass the time. I wasn't, I was really kidding. And my friend said, actually, I know the director of the play who's leading the auditions. You know, I reckon you should go. I said, oh don't be ridiculous crazy. I'm going back to England in three days time. I'm never going to be stupid. I'm not, I'm not an actor, what's the point? She said, well I think you should go for fun. You know, just because you're on holiday, you know, it'll be something exciting to do. I said OK, I'll go. So when I got to the audition I thought I might as well throw myself into this 100% and I did. And I gave it my best shot.

8:49 My sister-in-law, my brother's wife's, an actress, so I knew a little bit about that and I'd been dating an actress in London just before I left, so I thought I could give it a good shot. Anyway, long the story short, when I got back to England I got a call from the director saying we'd really like you to be in the play. And I said well I'm in the UK, it's a long way. He said, well I'm not coming back if it's a really small part. He said no, we want you to be the lead role in the play, the main character, you know, he says it has 3 or 400 lines every night. I said you're kidding me, you Are you sure? Because I've got no experience. They said yeah, we think you'd be perfect. And that was a life changing moment for me.

9:30 And so I did go back to Australia and I was in the play and it was Briam. And from that point on I kind of really took a new look at life and thought I don't need to stay in the same lane that I'm in. That was the beginning of a big journey of reinvention. So did you continue the the acting path? Is that where that was your one true path? No. But it was really when the play was finishing up and I was about to fly back to England, I noticed I had a feeling of dread in my body as I was heading back to become Ray the business, Ray the Bochum Brekken businessman in London again with a net, you know, to have to go back and pick up the pieces of the company and go forward with it, etcetera.

10:10 I just noticed I all of my feeling in my body was, no, I didn't want to do that. And I was thinking about it and then I suddenly realised that I'd been three months in Australia learning consciously how to become a character called George, the character I had to play in the play. I had to learn what George wore, had to learn his voice. I had to learn what George says in certain moments. I had to learn, you know, all his mannerisms and had become that character. And then so when I was flying home, reflecting on that suddenly occurred to me. First time I've ever thought it in my entire life. Hang on a minute, Ray, the businessman is just the character too. Had never ever thought of it in that perspective before. And I think that was the gift of me going to look after my friend, that I got cast in a play and had to become a character because that gave me the framework to have that insight.

11:04 And that was a life changing insight, really life changing because I realised, I think Anthony Robbins says it in his one of his books. He says you're not just the actor in your life. If you are, you've got very limited options, but you're also the scriptwriter and the director and you can move between all those three positions constantly to design your life the way you want to. And I realise, gosh, I don't need to play the role of Ray the businessman. I can, but I can rewrite the script a bit or I can direct the scene differently, or I could close the company but carry on. Or, or I could just end the series and kill that character off completely. So I chose the latter and that's what I decided to do. And that was the beginning because I thought I'd take a six month sabbatical is the honest truth.

11:49 Friends had suggested it, I thought was a good idea. They said take a six month sabbatical and go backpacking or something. So I, I started closing my life down to to do that. It didn't go according to plan and it really went badly wrong. I ended up living out of my backpack on that sabbatical for 14 years. And that was the journey that inspired the book, which got published chronicling that entire journey. On the stress that I didn't see 14. Years. 14 years, yeah. Living out of a backpack. Yeah, yeah. Wow, yeah. And that was life changing because once I decided to go out into the the wilderness, you know, like the unknown.

12:30 Joseph Campbell talks about this in the hero's journey, doesn't he? You know, the arc of every hero's journey is the you leave the no world to go into the unknown, to conquer something, deal with something terribly difficult. You learn through the challenge and you get called to the challenge and you, you sometimes you might waver a bit and then you get through the challenge and you take the wisdom and insight you gain back to the old world you came from. That's the third phase of the journey and share the knowledge and wisdom. So my life, my life was mirroring that arc archetypal storyline. Was it during that journey, during the 14 years that you decided I'm going to share this as a book, or did that come after you completed it?

13:14 All Yeah, yeah, it was, it was I leapt to to really with the intention of healing myself because I was so broken and to get new fresh insight on what next. But I never, I never had any intention of writing. But one of the things I did early on in the journey was I realised I was very scared, very anxious when I was travelling. It all looked great on the surface, but inside I was full of shame about having failed in my marriage. And I was very anxious mainly. And so I designed a set of guiding principles that I could live by, 10 guiding principles, which I also documented in the book because I needed a way of managing my psychology so I could stay safe in the journey of transition I was in. I read a book about transitions by William Bridges, and he said, you know, it's a very important time to be conscious because first there's an ending of something and later there's a new beginning.

14:10 But between those two periods, there's a there's a time period which he describes as the neutral zone. And he said during the neutral zone the rules, the same rules as the life, don't apply because you've got to set up temporary structures, not make any big decisions. Nothing feels the same. It's all moving and shifting and that period could last anything from days to weeks to months to sometimes even in years for some people. So I was very aware of that. So I sat down one day and thought, what do I need to bring to my awareness? And I thought, well, I came up with 10 guiding principles. I won't go through them all, but one of them, for example, was self acceptance. I've been giving myself a really tough time. I was very self critical.

14:54 I thought I need to just love and accept myself as I am right now and give myself a lot of love and encouragement and support and really be kind to myself for a while. I need to be following the principle of non attachment because I don't want to be attached to having to achieve anything or make a specific outcome happen or prove to others that I'm still successful or something. I need to be not attached to anything that happens but be open and curious and let life guide me and explore whatever feels good to my soul and allow myself to do that. And there was others like frugality, modesty, because I was living on a budget now, travelling and I didn't want to accumulate things I didn't need. So I said I started to live by these guiding principles and took it from there.

15:46 And do those same principles, are they still guiding your life? Yeah, very much, yeah. Yeah, all the time. That's why I shared them, because I think it's important for everyone to have their own guiding principles for life and they. And yeah. Yours are the only 10. No, I mean, I, those were the ones that I think most applied to me at the time. But you know, they're, they're, there's, they're things you can modify, I think because when you're doing a lot of reflection on what's happening, I think it's important to, to, to change what you're focusing on sometimes. But I think in general, it works to know you know what your own guiding principles are through, through understanding what's important to you.

16:26 Like one of my principles, another one was connection. I know that it's important for me to be connected to my friends and family and my life feels richer when I am and I feel really out of sorts when I'm not. And so I thought, how can I connect? I'm in Asia, I'm thousands of miles away from my friends and family. And what the idea that came to me, this is obviously 2005. Things have changed since then. But the idea that came to me was to write A blog about what I was doing because those were new and they were just emerging. So I got online, I learned the tools of writing A blog, started a blog called The Daily Explorer and started posting stories about where I was, what I was learning, what I was, what knowledge I was gaining and, and I did it very tongue in cheek.

17:10 It was written in the third person. So it had its own journalist called Mozzie Bite, and Ray was just the person who was interviewed every week to find out where he was and what he was saying. But I, I, that started me as a writer. I mean, I didn't do any writing before that. And so I started to write and enjoyed that process and made a record of everywhere I went. And lo and behold, lots of people really enjoyed reading it. I got lots of messages every day and every week from people who had read it and so I felt really connected by doing that and that honoured one of my guiding principles, which was to be connected. In in hindsight, did you, were you living by any of these principles as Ray the CEO and just not realized? Yeah, it's a really good question. I think partially, but not fully. No, no, I wasn't.

17:59 I can see looking back now that I definitely wasn't. And if you had, you would some of that malaise. Oh gosh, Andy, I wish I knew the answer to that. Possibly, I, you know, I would have to think that hypothetically that possibly it would. It's hard to go backwards in my thinking like that because it's, you know, I, I, I just, I'm just so grateful for the journey that I've had out. Of 14 years, Yeah, man. Or or does it, does it keep unfolding? Yeah, it is having insight, Yeah. Yeah, so like after six months, I hadn't, even though I was following these guiding principles as best I could, I hadn't shaken off the sense of anxiety and cons. And obviously I met lots of travellers too, and I always talk to them about these things. And one of them said, why don't you go and do a Vipassana retreat?

18:44 And I said, I have no idea what you're talking about. What is that? I've never heard of it. He said, well, you're going to a Buddhist monastery for 10 days and you meditate in silence with the monks and they teach you about the Dharma, the Buddhist teaching. I I thought, I've never been silent for 10 minutes. I don't know how, how anyone could be sort of not say a single word for 10 days. That's impossible, I thought. But the more he spoke about and described his experience of doing it, the more excited in my body I felt. And I thought DAP just this is what I was learning through this journey. It was the feeling I had when he spoke about it that was drawing me. Not my intellect but my rational mind or any logical thoughts. And I started to trust and follow that instinct way more, which I never did in my previous life.

19:31 And I, I started to do that more and more and then look for what I call now confirmation signals that it's the right choice. And, and so I went on the Vipassana retreat. And after 10 days, when I emerged, I came out like a totally different version of Ray. It was like if I had a volume knob on the side of my head. When I went in, it had been a 10 out of 10 in terms of crazy white noise in my head. But when I walked out, it was like one or two out of 10. It was like someone had turned the noise right down. I felt really calm, grounded. I just had a different outlook on life. From that moment, I thought, you know, I really want to join some kind of community where I get to meditate regularly because I could see how I've never done it before in my life, but I could see how powerful it was. And I thought, do you know what?

20:17 One day I bet you're all businessmen. All CEOs are going to be into mindful mindfulness and meditation. And now they are. I would just be totally everywhere. But in those days, it wasn't. Can you still tell the difference in the level of noise kind of in your own mind since that retreat? Yeah, I mean, I'm much more aware of that. Yeah, I obviously get date like any other person. I have days where my noise level's crazy off the charts and I have other days when I'm calm, you know, it never stops. I mean, that's the, that's the wonderful thing about the mindfulness journey. It's not like you cure yourself and it's gone forever. It's like it's, I think it's just the same as being an athlete or a sports person. You know, you have to train constantly to maintain a certain level of fitness.

20:58 And if you stop training, you get unfit. I mean, it's as simple as that. And it's the same with mindfulness. If you stop the practice, you become unmindful, less mindful. So does gaining this new practice of meditation and mindfulness. Was that is that one of the most powerful tools that you found? It was for me at the time, it just changed everything. And so then I started my travelling took on a different level of complexion then because I started to notice a lot more and become more aware of what was going on. I mean I, I felt much more connected to the communities I was in. I wasn't a tourist any longer, was seeing things that were touching my heart. Like, for example, I went to an elephant sanctuary in Thailand that have really had a big impact on me because they were rescuing elephants who were damaged or hurt and needed to be cut, taken care of. And I went to an orphanage in Nepal when I was in the Himalayas, and I ran a picnic for 60 orphan kids at the OR there.

21:54 And I saw how much joy that brought to those, to those kids. And I thought, God, I wish I could do more of this. And then I started thinking, what could I do? I want to do something that could maybe raise some money for those things and help them. And I was, as I was travelling and pondering on this, the universe was directing me to the right people always. I don't know how that works, but it just does. Once you ask the question, as Tony Robbins said, your questions determine your life because he says it is what is the quest I am on? You know the word question, what is the quest I am on? And so questions help form the shape of your life. And so the question I was asked was how, what can I do to raise money for these causes and how can I integrate that?

22:41 And then by chance, I got invited to a meal one evening with a couple, an English couple living in a place called Chiang Mai in Thailand, in the north of Thailand. And Matt Campbell, his name was the guy. And I said, what do you do for leisure? He said, oh, I'm a marathon runner. I've run 6 marathons. He was about 10 years younger than me. I was 49 when I met him. I said, tell me about what's it like to run a marathon, and he just described it. I had that same excited feeling in my body when the guy spoke about the pastor and I knew, I just knew that that was a thing that I wanted to explore. So I said to him, Matt, do you think I could run a marathon? Because I want to do this thing to raise money for the orphanage Boa. He looked at me and he said, well, you look quite fit. He said, I'll tell you what, I'll make a deal with you. He said if you stay here in Chiang Mai for six months, I will train you how to run a marathon so you can take part in one.

23:33 I'll get you ready if you're willing to do everything I tell you, of course. So I said, OK, it's a deal. So I decided to stay there and I trained up and I managed to get a place in the New York Marathon in 2009. And that had been a dream of mine for a couple of years up to that point because I I visited New York on my travels in 2007, and I watched the end of the New York Marathon in Central Park with a friend who lived there. And she turned to me and said, do you think you'll ever run a marathon in your life? I said, no, not a chance. She said, oh, OK, I said, but if I did, I said, I definitely want to do this one because this is like the best marathon in the world, the New York Marathon. And I said it and just forgot about it. But then when Matt said to me, what race do you want to run in, I said, I know it's probably a bit ambitious, but actually I'd like to run in the New York Marathon.

24:21 I've no idea how to get a place. He said, well, there's a ballot. You enter it, you just keep your fingers crossed. So I entered the ballot for the New York Marathon. I've got a place first time. No, immediately I, that was a confirmation signal that I was meant to be in that race. So I went there and I managed to raise through my efforts of fundraising, which I became a full time fundraiser as well. I managed to raise about $15,000 by running the New York Marathon. And then I obviously the next thing after the race was over in 2000 and was to take the money back to the Elephant Nature Park and the, to the orphanage in the PAL and a cancer charity that I'd supported 3 causes and distribute the money and make, get it spent and get it deployed into those communities. I kept, I supervised it all so no leakage could take place and made sure it was all used fully.

25:12 And I was doing this all myself. Andy and I had no staff, no team, it's just me. I did everything and I'd never done it before. So I sort of make it up as I was going along. But I really enjoyed it and that I felt really fulfilled. And obviously the people who the money was going to were thrilled to bits, of course. And so that was, yeah, that took two years on that project. You know, it was life changing. And you're not just healing. No, now you're. Healing so many others and and again finding out that that your service is healing as well. Exactly. And that's powerful. And now I'm in a different phase of the journey because I left in 2005, now it's 2010 and all the money's been distributed. And now people are saying, as I meet them and travel and they're asking me about what they say. How long you been travelling?

25:58 I say five years and they go five years. How come you know? And I tell them about the foundation and the money raising and the divorce and everything and all the stories that go with that because there's quite a lot and the play, you know, and they're going after those conversations. They're saying, do you know what rate if you ever write a book, would you e-mail me and tell me Because I'd be really fascinated to read it. And I used to laugh and say, GNR, I'm not kidding. I'm not writing a book. But then when at least fifty people have said that, I thought, Oh my gosh, the universe wants me to write a book and keep getting this message. And then it got to 100, you know, and I thought, right, OK, I need to write a book. So in 2011, I thought, started thinking about, I don't know how to write a book. I better learn.

26:40 Just saw an announcement in Facebook that year that some big shot literary author agent from New York was coming to Chiang Mai where I was to teach A5 day writers course. And so I, I wrote, I reached out to her and wrote to her and said I'm this is who I am. I want to learn how to write a book because of these reasons. And I said I can't afford your course. It's $1200. I said, could I need to pay $500.00 at the most? Would that be OK? She said, yeah, that's fine. And I joined that program and that's where I got the idea for the actual name of the book and sort of the outline and the theme of it. I didn't actually start writing it, to be really honest. I didn't start seriously writing it till 2015. So it was then a four year gap while I carried on the journey. And then in 2015 when I was by then, I was spending quite a lot of time in Poland because I had a girlfriend who was from there and I started writing in the summers and write. That's when the book finished.

27:37 Took me 6 years to write the book while I was in the journey and I finished in 2021. Wow. Yeah, yeah. So it's, yeah, it's going to take a long time to write a book that you're still living. Yeah, I was still living the journey, so I didn't know the, I didn't know how to how to end the book. I really genuinely didn't. I returned to the UK in 2019, which was 14 years after I left, and that gave me an end point in terms of telling the story. It's obviously not the end, but. What made that be the time that you're coming off the road and you're going to stay put for a little bit? Because I broke up after five years in the relationship with the Polish woman I was with and a relationship came to an end. I then realised my major reason for being in Poland had expired.

28:20 Because I was there to be her. I had no job or tie to the place or no real deep connections myself. I liked living there because of the nature of the town. The city of Warsaw was lovely, but I didn't. I felt it was time. I just knew, it's a bit like, you know, I'd been so used to knowing the energy and the feeling in my body when these things were happening. I knew it was time to to go to do something different. And I used to sit in meditation in this little apt I rented in Warsaw and asked for guidance. And in the quietness and the stillness of my meditation, I kept getting the same guidance. And it was, I want you just to go back to the UK and finish the book. Go back to the UK and finish the book and then you'll know what to do next.

29:07 So that's what I did. Exactly what I did, yeah. Sounds like you really developed this skill to have the the universe on speed. Dial. Yeah, kind of. Of your, your guidance and the confirmations and the manifestations, all amazing accuracy and speed and and completion and success and. Yeah, I can't say I'm 100% always able to to tap in like that. But the more I maintained my mindfulness practice and the more trust I put in that system of navigation. Because that's the thing, a lot of us don't trust that intuition. We have the feeling, we get the duck feeling, get the sense, but then our minds somehow override it or talk us out of it.

29:48 So it takes a little bit of adjustment and courage, I think, to get used to living like that. But with the I love your notion of the confirmation signals. And I always tell people, you know, start to to experiment with your intuition to start with, really start with things that don't really matter much, like, you know, where to go to eat or which, you know, left or right to go home tonight and things like that, that don't have a big negative impact if you're, you know, off a bit. But but yeah, trust those synchronicities. And again, when when you have the thought and then the then then the people show up like the clash you wanted to take, like, yeah, right. Exactly. So that's but then even when it shows that that person shows up, you go, is this the right course? So I said to her, not only I said two things. I said, is this a course for authors because I'm not an author? I would I get in the way and can I do it for less cost, less money?

30:35 I thought if she says yes to those two things, I know it's the right thing. Yeah. And she did. And that gave me the confirmation signal, so. Yeah, I know. In addition to your principles and and the mindfulness activities and practices you've learned, you also came up with six rules of happiness. Can you can you tell me? About those. I was, you know, really encouraged by my editors when I was writing the book to do that. And I'm glad they did because that's been one of the things that people have really enjoyed and asked me a lot about, you know, what are the rules for being happy? And and so I sat down quite some time to try and tease those out and reflect on those. But broadly, you know, the first rule for happiness in my world is I've seen how powerful it is to build a strong foundational core strength.

31:19 I call it within oneself. And what I mean by that is some specific things. So one of the elements of your core strength is what's my purpose? Why am I here? You know, what am I doing anything? What's the reason I'm doing anything Simon Sinek talks about? Start with why. Yes, this is the why part. Why am I doing what I'm doing? Purpose. Second part of the core is values. You know what's most important to me, irrespective of what job title I am or where I live or what my address is, what experiences are important on a daily basis? Like for me, my, what I, what's really important to me is I, I feel like I like having a sense of freedom in the way I think and act. I feel like I want to act with integrity. I hate anything that's lacking in integrity, a corruption, lying, you know, people not doing what they've agreed to do, stuff like that just drives me nuts. So freedom, integrity, love.

32:15 It's very, very important to me that I relate and people relate around me with kindness and compassion, you know, in their interactions with each other. So that's, I'm a big supporter of that value and exploration, you know, I, I'm the kind of person who really values going into the unknown, you know, always I need to be learning or discovering something new because I keep very easily bored if I don't do that. So those I realised through the time I had to reflect on these things, those are my core values. So purpose values, what's your vision, you know, where are you headed? What's the picture you're trying to write? And I did an 8 day workshop in 2010 at the midway point called the Hoffman Process.

32:58 It's widely known around the world in self development circles. And I got the good fortune to do this process. And so I left that with a very clear vision for my life. Vision in terms of what what work I wanted to do, how I want, what home life I wanted to create, the kind of relationship partnership I really wanted to build and how I wanted to show up as a man in the world. Those four areas were crystal clear and to help people, I actually wrote my very personalized vision in in the book so that people could see what it looks like to have a vision and how it's structured and to describe the process I went through to get to that. So vision values, purpose, knowing when you're in your element.

33:41 You know, like Sir Ken Robinson was a brilliant teacher and author, amazing guy. He died a couple of years ago, but he said you've got these things in your life that you're naturally good at, you've got a real talent for and you're really their strengths. And you've got these things which are passions, things you really care about. And when you're doing something which is intersecting the two, you are in your element. And you could do that all day long, 24 hours, you know, you'd never run out of energy because you're right in the crosshairs. And so how do you get, how do you build a life where you spend more time in your element than you currently do? How can you keep increasing the amount of time you spend in your element, whatever that is, you know? And then the last part of it is what are the driving forces that are sitting below your conscious mind that are influencing your decisions?

34:31 And they're universal to all humans. So the need for belonging, the need to give service, the need for recognition, the need for variety, the need for security, sometimes these are all common needs we all have to meet in our lives in some way that we don't necessarily surface them consciously and say, oh, I'm doing that because I actually need a feeling of security at the moment. I hadn't really thought about that. So all those elements go into that solid. Foundation building the solid foundation, it is all of those things. That's number one. So my rule for happiness is to pay attention to those things, reflect regularly on those things, update with yourself about those things. And it's like your dashboard. It's like, you know, when you're sort of out of kilter, you can see. Do I feel a bit weird at the moment because something to do with my purpose or is it my vision? Or am I, am I not acting out of my values or am I spending too little time in my element or is there something driving me that I'm not aware of or something like that? And there's another part of that which I won't go into, but what are the beliefs that I'm holding? Because some beliefs are empowering me to really have a great life.

35:37 Other beliefs are limiting me and I'm missing opportunities because of those limiting beliefs that would actually really fuel my development. I'm turning them away, unconsciously or consciously. So what are the that's just, that's number one. These aren't just, these aren't just six cliches. These there's a lot of there's a lot of meat. And obviously it's hard. I'm trying to sum up what takes a few pages in in my book, but the second one is I won't. I'll just take to the top type levels. The second one is taking 100% ownership for everything in your life. That's a rule to be happy. Because no one I know who blames everybody else for what their situation is, or waits and hopes or makes excuses or uses the external world to justify why they can't do something, then no one in that place is generally the happiest they can be. The people I know who are really happy are people who have really taken ownership for the vision they've got and taking the steps and actions necessary to really make that happen. No matter what the obstacles are, how to get put in front of them.

36:40 And I know that to be true myself, having founded a business and started a foundation and quit being an award-winning CEO, which is a really hard thing to do in some ways. You know, there's always choices that you can make which where you're taking full ownership and there they take courage. So that's number two. Number three is about what I call becoming your own observer. You know, we're conscious beings. We're not the thoughts we're having. We are the person who's thinking those thoughts. And so when you say, when you say I'm Ray, I mean the I I'm talking about is the awareness that Ray has thoughts. That's who my eye is. It's not Ray the character who's Havoc is thinking. I am the awareness that is conscious of the fact that Ray does think.

37:29 And it's a big shift to make. But why I think that shifts essential was because a lot of events in life have us freeze a bit in autopilot and we start behaving and reacting in a way that's programmed and not in a way we're consciously choosing in that moment that's in the best service to us. And, you know, a lot of people get locked in in certain relationships to really bad arguments and they go around in circles and loops they can't get out of. There's a lot of, you know, a lot of conversations that don't work very well because people are generally committed to being right instead of committed to being open, curious and learning. And that's a, that's a programmed way of living that we're taught from the day we're little kids. It's no one's fault.

38:13 It's not like it's very innocent that it happens that way. Because when you're a child and your parents are raising you, you kind of get be a good boy, you get rewarded and be a bad boy, you get punished and you get that dualistic punishment reward, good, bad, right? Wrong. That's where your judgement system is developed. And we spend the rest of our lives judging everything. And so to live non judge mentally as the Buddhists would direct you to live to observe, become your own observer, observe without judgement. That is a really hard adjustment to make in most cases, but well worth pursuing because once you become more and more in the observer role, you can see your own machinery working and the limitations it places on you, and you can sidestep it. So it's a really important rule for happiness #4 is very much about taking proactive responsibility for your well-being.

39:06 Because in the modern world, no one's going to look after your spiritual, psychological, mental and physical health. You know, you have to do that yourself. And in the careers that a lot of people I know are in, it's very easy to get burnt out, stressful, anxious, overloaded, overwhelmed. And what do we do when we're in those states? Well, you know, we need certain practices and habits help us return to our innate well-being, that place of inner peace that calms. Needing to make make ourselves the priority. And yeah, make ourselves, but also we can't wait for someone else to step in and say, right, do this. I'm going to take care of you because they're not, you know, that's, you know, it's, it's something we've really got to take responsibility for ourselves, take care of our own mental health, physical health, spiritual health, emotional health. That's something we have to learn how to become better at ourselves #5 is about what I call intentional relationships. The happiest people I know are people that spend time with the people they love and care about and sit down and say, how can we be in this relationship?

40:12 How can we be the most valuable to each other? How can we really serve each other's needs? What visions that we individually have can we support each other with? Let's not just have a cosy kind of accidental friendship. Let's have an intentional relationship where we are consciously and knowingly going to give each other radical support, radical challenge, give each other feedback, help each other become the best versions of ourselves we can be. And that's what our relationship's about. And I believe there's a massive scope in that area for intentional relationships, in your friendships, in your family, at work particularly. There's a lot of scope at work for most people who don't do that or not as much as they would like.

40:52 I think it's, I've seen it changing. It's happening more and more in what I can see. But building those intentional relationships is important. Then the last one have rule number six. And rule number six only works if you're doing all the 1st 5 rules already. But assuming that you are the the sixth rule is to empower others to do the same. Because I genuinely believe I've seen it in my own life. You're only really truly happy when you're seeing other people rise to their full potential as well, and then you're helping them do that. And that's amazing to watch. And it's always the the saying of, you know when you know something, you just think it. But when you really know something you're you're teaching it, you're sharing.

41:34 It. Yeah, yeah, that's right. And so the more you can share what you're learning as you're learning it, and the more you can use that to empower others, the happier you're going to be. And it's no question it's impossible not to be happy when other people are growing around you. Well, well, there's no doubt that you live these rules and it's hard to imagine you in a down state on in that malaise depression. I'll let you know those days you can give me a call. OK, Well, that's awesome. That's good to point out there. So they they do happen of. Course isn't. It's not that you reach happiness and there's just yeah, everything. 'S flying high. I'd be, I'd be absolutely lying if, as if, as I said, that was true. I mean, it happened less and less. But what's really great about having the resourcefulness within is that you can shift out of those phases perhaps a bit more easily.

42:23 It's easier to let go on or it's easier to accept it's OK not to be OK. You know, it's, you know, that's when people are feeling down. They're trying, generally trying to resist that feeling and get out of it as quickly as possible. And it's the struggle to get out of it that prolongs it. But the acceptance of it saying, you know, I'm human. I'm I, I'm not OK right now, but that's OK That I'm not OK because I know it's going to pass and I'm going to be OK again, yeah. So sometimes feeling feeling them the quote UN quote negative feeling. Yeah. Is the quickest way to be through. With it, yeah, I would definitely recommend, you know, I, one of the teachers I learnt the most about this from is Michael Singer. He wrote a book called The Untethered Soul and Surrender Experiment.

43:08 And he's a brilliant, brilliant teacher in this in this field, particularly surrendering to those moments. Yeah, he's he's excellent. So I highly recommend him. So what's the best way for people to to learn about all the things that Ray Martin is up to and and to and to get the book? Yeah, Life Without a Thai. Well, I know people in the US generally buy it on Amazon. That's probably the platform. Most book sales happen. There's a there's a website that Life Without a thai.com. And that came about because people who are reading the book kept writing to me saying have you got any pictures of your journey? Because there's no pictures in the book. So there's loads of photographs from the 14 year journey on that site so they can have a look at that.

43:48 I'm on, I'm contactable on that site. I'm on LinkedIn where I post a lot of stuff on LinkedIn on daily about life and leadership and all that sort of stuff. So those are the some of the ways that have created the easiest. Beautiful. Definitely going to check out the site. And I, I love travel. I'm a big traveller. Have not, I'm sure if I added everything up, could I get close to 14 years? I'm not even sure if I'm close. I love people that grow and then share their growth. Yeah, right. It's not you're not just keeping it secret, not keeping it private. You're out there sharing this and and bringing bringing your smile to the world. And I think. That's so admirable. So thanks a lot.

44:29 Thanks, Ray, for joining us. Thanks for listening and tuning in. Visit realmenfield.org. There'll be a blog post for this episode. We'll have links to all the resources discussed, all the books mentioned, everything and how to track down rate and all the platforms he's on. Wherever you were discovering Real Men Field, please subscribe, follow, like, share this with somebody that would get a benefit from it. Post a review or a comment. If you're ready to challenge the beliefs that that life isn't serving you very well, book a free clarity call with me at the andygrant.com/talk. You can always reach out to me at realmenfieldgmail.com. And until next time, be good to yourself and be happy about it.