Living a Full Contact Life | Intimacy, Feeling, and Choice

0:01 Hello, and welcome to real men. Feel, this is your host author, coach, and healer. And egrant Riemann, feel exist to remind men at the human beings, and they have the right to experience an Express all of their emotions, their not some emotions for men. And some are forming your humid. You have the right to all the full range of emotions. So feel free live your life and on your terms we have conversations that most men are not having but that all men can benefit from you know this year I've begun for the first time in my life, martial arts classes. Has. And I'm very surprised how much fun I've been having even going against sparring against guys are in college. My guest today has a lot more experience than that. In fact, he has an incredibly eclectic background.

0:42 My guest is Nico. Verson Nico is a former professional Muay Thai and mixed martial arts athlete with a Master's in psychology. He specializes in resilience performance quality of life and happiness. He's prepared for world champions and various martial arts and has a mindset coach helps train business, High performers to Turn their stress setbacks and intense conflicts into a competitive Advantage. Welcome to room and feel Nico. Well super nice to meet you my man. I'm very happy to be here. I love what you're doing and helping them to step it up, isn't it? Thanks Nick. My first question is, how long were you a professional fighter? How long did your career last?

1:24 So here's to ya instead, I'm I've never been a professional athlete, but I'm sure in that situation. You really have to remain calm, and focused, despite physical and mental stress. So, did that come naturally to you? Or was that a skill? You had to develop. Well I think it's a bit. There is one thing that's in born, I love excitement so I have a high threshold for Activation before I feel life these days they called ADHD back in the day to you, just busy young kids, a lot of energy, but yeah.

2:11 No like of course the the first time you gave to the ring, you going crazy with nerves you know? It's like but they to my trainer he taught me this your body preparing you to get ready for fighting. That was an amazing refrain love used ever since you know and And this one did I actually do think that I miss the most is the feeling right before you get into the ring or the cage. That's the feeling I miss. When, you know, it's no way to run and when you know, it's now that you want to perform it now that you will cry for break, you know, it's it's something where the, where the purity of that moment is very hard to To imitate with any other things. There are few moments very can get so pure but because it'd be amazing.

3:14 It's this this notion of anticipation and excitement and adrenaline just all in that is it really that that Split Second before a fight starts or yeah? Yeah, it's more about Connections available. Well, I'm really addicted to connection. That's why I work like as an executive coach really deep I go with with with with a Founders and CEOs. And also athletes here and there still, but mainly we will be with the people are real go-getters. It's about, it's about, that's why hypnose, for me, such a powerful tool because in that moment I get absorbed immediately.

3:58 I go into trance like that much faster, as with traditional meditation, really funny. So I think that's connection that I find connection with my self-esteem. I'm in the ring when you go into the ring. First of all you have an amazing connection with the crowd, they're cheering you all booing. You the same thing, they still connected with you you have your corn that prepared for in between one, to three months and they have pushed you along the way and support you and then you have the opponent against you. A man that is no, let's hope for him just as prepared as You is there for only one reason to knock you out.

4:43 This is the real deep connection. Real deep recognition of being a warrior and having that warrior in front of you. And then, last but not least, without this, it's you face yourself. You can't hide in fighting. And that's the thing that this well, difficult to find a moment that is so pure where you are reading. Be in touch with yourself with everybody else. With the moment, there is nothing else there than that, moment how else have have or have MMA skills transferred into other areas of your life, yours. You keep talking about how you can't find something to repeat that. So, does what you master in the ring? How is that translated into other areas? Well, first of all, I love speaking Keynotes, I think I will go into that a bit more.

5:37 Because ye it's a bit little similar you're in front of a crowd. You will travel you will break, you know, you can't hide its you. They will see you little many reasons because you're the middle point of attention and so it's put the pressure up so I liked it a lot. But another thing that's really interesting is that what I found is that dancing partner dance like kizomba which I likes like an African dangle. You can say a Tango salsa bachata. That that's when you get into be real. Real deep flow with it will be the partner that can get to the similar thing and but I was never very shy that.

6:23 I don't care if people think I dance like a new brand me like I don't I don't have a problem. People criticizing me. That was my big Advantage. I don't literally don't care. I do what I like. So there was this big gift that I was born with that or at least a tie. I had some experiences when I was young where I could see the very French ility of life. And so I decided from very young age, there was going to do what I want to cool. So you had this, but this competitive nature and a panel of excitement. But without an attachment to, what anyone else thought about it.

7:05 Yeah. Yeah. It was a pretty big news. Well, yeah, well, it did. I think for the people that would be, but for me, I was like that from very young age. I always did with our phones. I think it's a bit character, the disagreeable in nature, you know. No was very strong enough as a kid. But, but what I found was really to see like when you see all the people from many other people dancing is perhaps even more frightening than Fighting because again, for sure, important that you cannot hide who you are comes out. I am somebody that likes to break the rules with, that likes to free flow and that was my chance. You're dancing.

7:54 Because like, if a woman is really sensitive and we have that connection sheet, you follow everything and then it is fantastic. It's like wow, he's like a pro. But then every woman is a bit more inside of the rules understands that language more and he's not so open. For experimentation that didn't work so much. And so my personality really comes out and that's what happens with everybody. That's very scary. Because you have a mirror that is so big. As everybody can see it, And the. And then sometimes I work with couples to would like ambitious, power couples and, like dancing exercises.

8:34 Mostly, that's my dancing. Exercise are so powerful. Yeah, so what inspired you to go from knocking people out to wanting to help them, you know, get the best out of life. Well, when I was 30, I was gonna do The Ultimate Fighter when the Ronda Rousey was was the captain, I was going to do add a contact in Upstate New York, it can you look? And then I was gonna do some research, you know, just as a I sit I'm gonna was gonna do some reasons, rest, research around love, and relationships and adult game called coming down because Cuz I win Miracle, check in Belgium where it's much cheaper, of course like to do, I found out that both of my retinas were detached and so after that the game, a sequence of seven more surgery, seven surgeries after which at the end you know my doctor was I don't know if you detach it now that I can still make it. So I had to put up the gloves and and it was a long consequence of the way I felt.

9:46 I just didn't get It scared of getting hit. I just went forward. Like Rocky struck was not very smart. Like the crowd loves it, I loved it, but my brain didn't, you know? And so I saw that what that's what happened. But I also think that that the way I was training and fighting and just approaching the in that Ding that took away of my potential, it undermined it because I was forcing it. My conditioning was crazy, but my testosterone levels or literally half of what are they are now? Probably because of all the impacts of my head combined with overtraining. Yeah.

10:31 And so, I start working some athletes and, you know, some of, you know, some of the athletes. When once they get like the big Milestones, all of a sudden they get in too deep it and now what because they always, they were very good in grimey, they were very good at pushing the enjoys the chase. But then they never took really took the time to enjoy the steps of the chase. They did enjoy the idea of the chase of pushing through and pushing to but they were nothing. Join the step on the way. Some of them really hate the preparation. I loved you know, but so so what I learned is that Very off.

11:19 People with a lot of potential. if they work really hard, they will become successful but the problem is Will you be happy? Will they feel fulfilled? Will that bring them what they hope for? And very often it's not because the way in which they go after it is, it's a It's like conditional. It's only when they win and when they win big time then they feel good. The problem is, it's a dopamine search. And so the then it's like a big black hole that you have. It's like they have a big black hole in their heart and they want to cover that black hole. But the problem with a black hole is when we put something close it will absorb and to grow. And so the more you put on there, the more you will need an answer to moment.

12:10 You come to a stage where you almost can't go up anymore. And Howard's, the hole is still there and it's bigger than ever. So what are some tips to enjoy the journey to be ambitious to have the goal to be fired up to go for it. But, but enjoy the journey, enjoy the procedure, enjoy the process. Well, it's about instead of going just for girls, it's like, how can I live in language values? How can I live in line with the kind of person? I want to be? What does the way I go after? It says, about me as a person, In the main moment, it can be really uncomfortable, very often, things like that but then the more you going to real learn to embrace that suck Embrace that uncomfort that will help you. But then the second part is that is very of-the-gods because the grind is they know very often, not do it, you know things they enjoy that.

13:12 Yes, I love this identity, I cannot be broken Unbreakable. But then, I forget to celebrate. So it's like they have this interesting interesting company combination of high drive of great ambition, but of loads of seeing where they have to prove to themselves, always that they were have to. So then a victory becomes a must not want, not a choice. And if there's something that I've learned working, With people of all different kinds is that choice having the freedom to decide what you do with your time.

14:00 And with with your energy that makes a difference between fulfillment or lack of fulfillment. But if you force yourself, if you have to do everything, if you must win from yourself, Well, then you take away the feeling of living, then you will feel, you've being you're being nice because you internalized all these things that you think you should do instead of that, the the knowledge, the ability to know that you don't that you should do nothing because you can choose, that's whatever you do. You can you choose it. But very often not consciously, use the way we become really aware of the choice of where we put our attention very That time and what we get out of it that will help a lot. I believe, when we first spoke, you mentioned living a full contact life and I never heard it phrase that way and I thought I really like that term.

15:03 So it is that, you know, living your life by your choices and nobody else's, or was it more than that? It's more than that, well, that's part of it but like, what it comes down to is that you don't need to run away from any Jeans and so that's one of the thing. Like if people that work on the towers week, there's a reason they will be highly successful. They might have Ferraris and and then the big mansion and the penthouse you know But then, you know, they still look in the league silicon emerge, they don't see the person that everybody looks up to.

15:43 And I feel like an impostor not everybody you know, but or they feel like a hero and they win and if they didn't get the biggest wind and I feel like a loser even though they're better than 99.9% of the population, it's really fascinating nobody but it's very often so they they run away from this whole their art of from something else. You know. Very some people are very good with certain emotions like anger you know, a lot of the cookies I know I was the same, you know, we were very comfortable with anger, it's a go Motion, you know, we can do that. So whenever you feel anything else we get into angry because then we lash out and let me feel better. But in the short term that is giving you a little bit of a relief, but of course, we break the relationships, you know? It's that, that that's what you see. Other people are really uncomfortable weekend you with saying no and so they let all the people walk over them now. now, the people that I work with the really that, but there is like this, inability in our society to just Yeah, to put it bluntly sit in your shit.

16:57 We all want to feel good. But the problem is that it's a it's a unidirectional vision of how life is is that black and that white and in the west, we just see this white. For example, positive psychology is really powerful, has really powerful tools but it's only half the equation because it doesn't acknowledge that you have in ourselves. We have sadistic traits, every single one of us, We have narcissistic traits, every single one of us like as a child. That's a very, very important phase and we still have those reminiscence in us.

17:37 And when we don't acknowledge this, in the people that we love in ourselves, then we are cheating ourselves from the truth and then we are closing down our heart because then you know if you're afraid of getting hurt by somebody else or by yourself very often, you know then you close use of them for the little Bliss. So you can't have the King of Victory without facing anxiety. You can't have the feeling of deep love and feeling loved. If you are trying to avoid pain and sadness of loss, you can't, it's one or the other or you live a full contact live, a life where you take it out where, you know, and understand from a deep part that you can handle it.

18:24 It's gonna be hard, it's going to be difficult but you can handle it, like, you need to, but Cheap. Real intimacy is full contact life. It's not easy. It's not this on us, that's bullshit. This is bullshit. Just it's just not real. It's this where you stand on your own two feet. You, there's a space when you partner could choose to go away, but then they choose to stay here and then you go close to yourself and closer to each other. But it's like, this is beautiful space where the space where the fire can start to burn him. A desire can stay. Not to grow but if you hear you lost track of yourself, there's no space so there's no desire.

19:04 So no wonder so many marriages fall flat on their ass when it comes to intimacy because you know, they're here. They lost himself. No, they were a lot of programs and coaches that that help people remove eliminate and avoid stress, but use really say that stress can be your competitive Advantage. So, so tell me about that. So first of all II experience that during fighting the fight, we're on paper, I had nothing. No chance their chance, present. The biggest stages, I always outperform myself. You know, it's like even when they broke my arm, I still want like, just but that was just the stress was helping me.

19:52 Is there? It's a system that is there to help us and they say it's an outdated system. It's only for kill-or-be-killed situation, but that's just not true. It is it then nature would be really stupid and it really think that nature is stupid. And we are really dumb. No, so so I start to really look into that because So I started the relaxation therapies but something was not right? And they something was wrong. I felt I was making things worse and people became really depends of the hypnosis with me because I still used hypnosis to be powerful. It's like a meditation on steroids if I do it half an hour. Like most of my clients are fucking are so good for an entire week. But, you know, that's not enough because they're in the moment, you know what happens, when the shootings defend, I'm going to tell you a secret that most relaxation therapist will never ever tell you.

20:49 When it really matters, when the fires at your shins. No relaxation technique will help you. You will still feel XIII activate because your body's Feud with stress hormones could work together and learn how to Is you can learn to load stress hormones in the brain. Now that seems since it's because we have like a blood-brain barrier and so certain compounds can go to an adrenaline or in the brains called epinephrine or adrenaline and noradrenaline can't get through to prepare barrier. So it gets released separately. So then you can train yourself to allow your body to be fully activate and to come your brain now. It's not just me that tells that that, use that from experience. No, that's a growing body of scientific, scientific knowledge, that demonstrates that when you believe that stress is good for you.

21:52 And you have the highest stress levels of everybody. You live the longest healthiest and most fulfilling lives. It's really fascinating. And what does that do? Well in the body, It creates a shift, so when you believe it's, this is good for you. No matter whether you face a challenge, which is something that is challenging. But you think you can handle it or chat, which is something you think you can't handle, no matter what your mind is going to interpret that as a challenge. Now there's something very interesting, the physiology normally when you facing a threat, your face constrict because if the even animal is barking, you better.

22:39 The blood that bit better than blood gushes out as fast as possible. So you want to keep your blood inside. But when you have a chance for example you you hunting, then you want your veins as open as you can because then the higher heart rate and the faster breathing will get much more nutrients and much more. Agent to every part of your body. So that's the difference between a challenge and threat in your body. But what is really interesting is that when you believe it, says good, no matter what you face, it will handle like Challenge and what is even more. The case. Not only the dial the vasodilatation know. It's also what you get and besides the open veins is your body will release neural growth.

23:28 Factor and DHEA, anabolic hormones, that help you to grow that, help you do the cupid that help you to make new neural connections. So that's more physiological reason why stress is good for you if you believe this but if you believe it will kill you then we get stressed about stress and we get serious about stress before we even have stress to stress about you know and then we rely awake at night and that's is very dangerous. Then stress becomes dangerous because we don't sleep. We are stands. They will worrying about being angry about being sad. About being stressed. You know, you get all these secondary emotions. It's a bit.

24:12 Like the stoic says, you have like primary emotions that are there to give you a message. It's your body talking to you. These emotion, pay attention. This is important to you. And then your second, any motions, then, then we start to put extra Minis and all these and cessation feelings. But if you can just learn to embrace that primary motion and if you learn to read, listen, why is this important to me? And it is important to me because I chose this to be important or is this important to be? Because somebody else taught me, put into my brain Edge point, I was really starts. That's why when we start to see thinner sheet we start to realize but wait a minute perhaps that Ferrari is not so important for me.

25:03 Oh Perhaps it is like there's no judgment that all the three are can be fantastic. I have a client, he loves he loves to traffic has caused like for him. It's one of the best moments of his life for him and Ferrari is fulfilling, you know, like it there's this zero judgment. It's everybody has to really look into their own eyes into their own. Hearts to see what? Fulfills them, little beautiful exercise that likes to do is. Okay, check your time. Take how much time and energy you put in different activities. Okay? Now break it based on how much it makes your life much more fulfilling, much more wholesome much more how much it makes makes you feel better. That's really confronted the video after because to me, I believe that we have to dedicate Our Lives to pleasure or displeasure pleasure is not always the comforting in in, in, in the moment in the moment, pleasure, that later impoverishes your life to me is not pleasure. That's Entertainment.

26:11 How do you know what? It's like, it empties you cup. It's like, when you binge watching season afterwards, you feel like you literally wasted the day because you did, Like you g go drinking with your friends to forget that you have a horrible live in and they are foods, you have a hangover and then before, you know it it's Monday again. Go to job that you hate. Or you go drinking with your friends. Have just as much, but you have fun, and even if you have a little bit of a headache, you feel your heart is fulfilled. You had the most interesting conversation, just so much fun. This beautiful sensual lady that you had a really fun time with. That's a pleasure. It feels up your copy instead of ND. He empties you cup. And so when this happens, Then you can start to grind and go for it, and then, you know, put pleasure into it. And then when you learn to combine this, when you learn to find pleasure in the chasing, after your values, not to just your goals, but your values, then, I really believe that you can have that full contact life where you feel fulfilled, because you're not afraid anymore. You.

27:24 Don't need to run away of emotions. You can just say, okay. If the shit hits the fan, I can handle it. I can use this shit to really make my soil more Rich so I can grow a garden instead of owner, there's shit everywhere. Let's run Let's hide under the blankets because it still smells not. So you also say that when you type out working on working with couples and relationships that you can, we can also use conflict and disagreements to improve relationships. So, is that kind of like embracing our stress in a relationship? Absolutely, absolutely. So that's the core, you know, and, and that's what I call the University for a full-contact clash because it's easier when it goes to business. Do you know?

28:13 But when it comes to the things that to so close to our hearts, when we really love somebody or where he attacked us, when we, when somebody's really close to his, whether it is up intimate partner or our family, well, then it's much harder to say. No, I don't want to Or when they really pressuring you to say, yes when you want to because that's the same thing, you know, so we there's a lot of talking while in Psychology about adult attachment style, which is the way a child attaches and then they transported to adults. And there is a lot of, you know, correlations, however, it's only half the question. If that's the only way you look at relationships, you're modeling your relationships, your adults relationships to that of a child, and a mother. That's dependency, that is not an adult relationship. Now, there is a second type of force, our need for self-determination And that's often forgotten, there's always talk about how we have to get more connection. Yeah, but there is no connection if you lose the connection with yourself.

29:23 So a lot of us think, okay, suppose your beer and your wife is wine. You just want me to be here. She doesn't be with your one and until you hear you come here. And if you put the little bit more wine with your beer, your wine. If she'll could live with more beer with her one, she's beer. And so you feel your hair. You feel you lost all connection with each other because you did because you lost connection with yourself. So the man that she fell for is not a man anymore that she fell for and the other way around. No, you lost yourself and so what happens when most people go outside? They separate pretend they rupture because they were so intertwined. So in pain, when they go lean on someone else and the same thing happens when you get this serial, monogamy is thing where everybody's hurting all the time, and then they come into with wounds which makes them lean even more. But then there's another thing.

30:23 What our Grandpa's very often did then they were here but then they start to do this ailment, emotional psychological level. You know, they were living next to each other. It's not very fulfilling neither again, it's running away. So the only way to really get that that's committed, relationship, where passion is really high and intense and intimate is to learn to stand on your own two feet. That's scary. Because if somebody doesn't need new need you anymore, they can go away. There's always this is the knowledge that there's this turd. Other the third other that puts, you know, sweep your wife of your of their feet or you for that matter. But that knowledge makes it all so much more precious that not drain.

31:13 You know, how they don't need me, we'll make to feel less will make you pay them less for granted. And so, it's in that difficulties of being an adult and saying no, when your partner is pressuring to you to give in without breaking contact. So what you very often is somebody is pressuring you, so people think In, but then they feel horrible to feel. Horrible, certain moments are no. And then they go away, they break the connection because they cannot handle holding onto themselves, holding on to what he stood for them, for what they want in life. While the other person that's important to them is pressing in them to compromise.

32:01 But what is to me, the essence of real, being a real adult is to learn to stand here. While all the people that are important to you are, pressuring you to compromise to say no and staying connection and embrace create a space as a man for sure. I create the space for her to go wild and to go crazy and do still look at her with love and see what is going on. To hold the space for yourself. That's the space for other. It's like that you created me that awareness. That's what meditation this was made in Beijing. Does it may detain people that meditate a lot? They still get pulled away with emotions but they were just much more aware of when it happens.

32:49 So they catch on much quicker and then they can take the third position and it can start to become connected to it. What is going on in the moment with evidence involved? We do About being a slave to it. That's the difference between taking third position, is not cutting yourself off. Emotionally know, it's connecting with your emotions, but it's taking a look at it and really studying yourself. It's like you become a scientist of your own life. You've mentioned hypnosis a number of times so is that kind of one of your preferred tools for yourself and for working with clients? Well I'm when I'm hypnotizing my cards, I'm hypnotizing. Myself so that yeah, yeah, yeah, I love it but but the way I used this differently different with everyone, some people are really suggestible.

33:41 I have women that I can do female classes. Three, two, one. And she starts to feel fantastic. It's like there's a wave of like pure ecstasy. Going through your body. I feel people that I have to. That it's more like after framing more like an internal visualization because they are very logical, they didn't learn by experience. So there's like this trait where I don't want extinct of people that are almost purely logical, they don't learn as a kid and more, they learn purely by rules, then you had at the other side. You have people that live still very experiential and bit more like here and the more and to they're very Inferential the absorb everything they it's been a moment, but that means that when they have a change, the positive change that the changed much less stable the way you work with hypnosis different depending on your suggestibility and we will often think is that people are really suggestible are less strong. LaSalle Regan.

34:48 No, no, they are for what I found is. People are most creative people like CEOs people like Really famous artists like athletes. They are more on that side. Why? Because they're able to Envision their able to absorb, the able to disappear in moment. People have cannot be hypnotized for sure. When they have a high ability, a high in natural ability. Well, that if they cannot be hypnotized as fee of indication that there's something serious psychologically wrong. And so, so if for me, if I would not be able to be hypnotized, it's a great great, great indication, as of a hard time to focus. But if somebody looks, I've I'm five skeins that when they tried to cop this, like, did you get this one was no movement in ending in the in their people's, it's really funny. It's really funny that that and that's apparently linked with very little, very linked with a natural, predisposition to be hypnotized in.

35:55 In clinical hypnosis, not a problem with clinical hypnosis and research around. Is that research? So research is Based on a fixed protocol. Which is not so good because it's a high as strong and underestimation of what you can do with hypnosis, the art of hypnosis is lost in in that translation. So it's an underestimation because if you real good happens is you will start to test all the time. You just sent, you is like communication, very deep communication, you go deeper and deeper and deeper, you go out. And, you know, how their needs like a teat raishin.

36:37 Instead of just drawing Artistry to it, it's more art and that situation than just the same protocol with everyone, you meet exactly. And so it's very hard to. It's almost impossible to do really research that you have like for example, hearing some eggs on was one of the fathers of modern hypnotherapy. He had like a succeeds percentage of 80% and most of his friends came only 12 decisions but he was a genius who I am Master. He worked on so many different levels, you know, but that's very hard to teach because the way he thought was through hypnotic principle. So Nick - yeah you're as fascinating as I was sure you would be what's the best way for people to learn more about everything there?

37:28 You're, uh, Up to. Well first of all you can go to my website. Nick over is dot-org. You know, you can also go to perform with pleasure that was my former so it has just half a backlink and then yeah, my social that you can go to Instagram Facebook, YouTube, but to contact me via Instagram, might be the best Instagram on Facebook. Awesome. Well, thanks for making time for us today Nico and thanks for listening tuning in. Please visit real men feel that Org, the blog post for this episode. We'll have drinks to all of Niko's contact info.

38:09 And any of the resources shared today wherever you are discovering room and feel, Please Subscribe, follow share. The someone that you know, will get benefit from it. Leave a review or comment. You can always reach out to me at real men. Feel at gmail.com, always glad to hear from you and you can even join our private Facebook group. If you're on Facebook, check out real men. Feel dot org slash group that will bring you right to it. And until next time, be good to yourself.