Men's Silent Struggles: Overcoming Loneliness and Rejection

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Shame is a really big thing in
in our world, in the men's

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world, a lot of guys is society
as a whole.

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There's a lot of messaging
around.

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You're a bad boy for thinking
that you're a bad boy for doing

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that tamper down your
masculinity, a lot of urges that

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you have sexually and otherwise,
bad, bad, bad.

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And so he's filled a lot of he's
bracing himself constantly.

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I guess I'm bad.
I need to convince everyone else

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that I'm good, and that's not
good.

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Hello, welcome to Real Men Feel
where we drop the mask and had

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conversations that most men are
not having but that all men can

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benefit from.
I'm your host, Andy Grant.

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Today's conversation is for any
man who has ever felt rejected,

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disconnected, lonely, confused
in his relationship, or like the

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life he built suddenly has
stopped making sense.

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My guest today is Ralph Brewer,
a coach and advocate for men for

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navigating marriage struggles,
dead bedrooms, divorce, dating

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and rebuilding life after deep
personal pain.

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This is one of those topics that
so many men live through, but

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very few men talk about honestly
and openly.

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And when men do talk about it,
the pain often turns into

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silence, shame, bitterness or
isolation.

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Not here.
Let's do it.

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Hello Ralph and welcome to REAL
MEN Feel thank.

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You for helping me, I appreciate
it.

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And we're just talking, it's it
is today on a recording day.

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It is International Happiness
Day.

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So hopefully we'll bring a
little more joy into the

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podcasting world today.
There you go.

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But unfortunately, most of your
work is not around joy and

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happiness.
No, no, I would like to say it

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is, but no, it's not all rainbow
and sunshine, that's for sure.

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Yeah, 'cause you've got a big
body of work around helping men

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rebuild after betrayal, divorce,
a relationship collapse of any

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sort.
So does that mean you suffered

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some sort of a relationship and
that brought you to this work?

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Did I ever, yes, going on 14
years ago, I endured a not so

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nice chapter of my life that
would involve infidelity on my

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spouse's part and divorce and
becoming a single father to 3

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little kiddos.
And I had to kind of rebuild

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myself from the ground up, so to
speak.

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Which what I've learned over the
years is that's kind of a common

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thing for guys is we don't
really wake up to a lot of the

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inefficiencies and not so nice
things in our life until we have

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that little face down in the
gutter moment, if you will.

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And that was mine.
It was literally one day I was

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very normal, blah, boring, but
secure guy in a very blah,

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normal, boring relationship.
And then the next day that all

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just ended just like that boom,
boom.

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And then a short 60 days later I
was divorced.

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And it's like, wow, that was
what just happened.

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So it's a lot to contend with
and I had a difficult time

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coping with it.
What part of that chapter as you

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used, What was the hardest thing
to even admit to yourself?

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It will it took a while that I
wasn't necessarily at fault for

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all of it, but that is something
that is very common in my world

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amongst guys that are your
codependent Mr. Nice Guy types,

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which I definitely was and still
am to a degree, was that taking

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ownership of a lot of stuff,
which is in part good to take

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ultimate ownership because you
have ultimate control.

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But it can go it can go too far,
that's for sure.

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That's what I've seen from a lot
of guys that I work with, which

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is, you know, I've worked with
some guys, for example, we can

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go into what is I do and
everything, but like worst case

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scenario, a man says I've caught
my wife in her fifth affair and

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you're like, well, writing's on
the wall.

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Home girls got a problem, dude,
you know, it's this, it's not

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your fault.
She's whether whoever she was

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with, she probably would go down
this road.

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She's got issues.
And a lot of men take ownership

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and say, no, I'm sure it's me.
I'm not alpha male enough.

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I'm not tough enough.
I'm not the man she needs.

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So of course she goes out and
finds that elsewhere.

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That was, in essence, my mindset
for years.

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It was just really tough for me
to come to terms with that.

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I didn't have control over this.
I think there's a little

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subconscious thing of we all
want to have control.

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We want to see things as black
and white.

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We don't want to see that, you
know, you can be a a good person

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and you can be a loving person.
You can still get hurt and

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people can do bad things to you.
And that was difficult, I guess,

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for me to come to terms with.
Was there a particular moment

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that you decided to turn your
pain into service?

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Probably as a result of going to
therapy, which opened my eyes

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to, I remember the therapist who
was a woman telling me, Ralph,

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you are a like, like every other
man that I talked to.

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You just don't hang around guys
ever.

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You just like, you just worry
about your kids and your job and

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their family and that's all you
do.

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And she's just like, when's the
last time you just went to hang

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out with somebody?
Well, a couple of years ago I

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was like, yeah, that's not good.
You need to hang out with other

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guys.
And it's very important for your

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mental health.
And she said, I have somebody

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that can that you can talk to.
He's another client of mine.

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He was telling me his story and
it's very similar to your story.

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And I was like, you need to talk
to this Ralph guy.

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He's another client.
And I said give him my number.

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And so I talked to him.
Steve I believe was his name.

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And Steve and I spoke for like 3
hours just sharing war stories

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and back and forth.
He was completing my sentences.

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It was kind of creepy.
Like how did you know all this?

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He's like, dude, there's a whole
world of guys like you out

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there, like you and I going
through this.

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Like really?
That opened my eyes to I'm not

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alone.
Oh, cool.

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I don't have a whole lot to be
embarrassed about.

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There's a bazillion other guys
going through the same thing and

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I'm want to reach out to them,
learn from them, read about

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them.
And that kind of started me down

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the road of writing my writing
on my own.

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I, I created a blog under the
name of Dad Starting Over, which

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is a social media handle that I
still have to this day is very

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popular, Facebook, YouTube, so
forth.

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And my writing got some
attention and it got to the

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point where somebody suggested
that I write a book.

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And so I did.
And I don't know what happened,

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but I knocked it out of the park
with my very first book.

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I've written 5 #1 The very first
one I did has outsold all the

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other four combined and then
some.

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I'd so in that book was about,
of all topics, sexless marriage.

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Because I learned early on in my
blog writing that was the only

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thing that got any attention.
I could write about my finances

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and fitness and starting over
and parenting.

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I was like, just snore.
Nothing, crickets.

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Nobody responded but as soon as
I said here was my experience as

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a man going through a dead
bedroom relationship in my

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marriage and my now ex marriage
and what happened as a result in

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Fidelity Boom I got some
attention and then somebody said

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I should write on the topic.
So I did and that book was

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called The Dead Bedroom Fix and
a lot of people know me from

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that book.
They don't know about all the

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other stuff with me starting
over in divorce.

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They just know me from the guy
talking about sexless marriage

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stuff.
So fortunately that got a lot of

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eyeballs on me, which allowed me
to do other things and write

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more books and start putting out
material and video format and

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everything else.
Started a a men's support

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community, started a larger
brand called Help for men and

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you guys can learn more at
helpformen.com.

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That's where we have everything
now, including our our

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brotherhood group, which is our
private support community for

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men.
And I've been at it for shoot

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over a decade now and it's been
amazing.

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I love it.
I love what I do.

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Nice.
Could you imagine loving all

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that stuff 11 years ago?
No, yeah, not at all.

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No.
Like, you know, I think back to

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me 14 years ago, before
everything, before the poop hit

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the fan, so to speak.
And it just a totally different

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human being.
I mean, night and day, my

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interest, my, my, everything.
And if you had pulled me aside

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then and said here's what's in
your future, I'd be like, what?

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Why?
I don't.

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That ain't me.
I don't do any of that kind of

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stuff.
I'm just a little introverted

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dude who does marketing work for
different companies and stuff

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like that.
It was a creative kind of guy.

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And so to say that I'd be on
microphone, even though I have

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some radio in my background,
it's kind of cool to bring some

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of those skills back into this
and be on microphone on camera

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and men's group and doing
seminars and speaking and

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writing books is like, no, that
was not in the cards at all.

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So when in your own experience
or experience working with other

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men, when they lose our
relationship, is it the loss of

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the woman, the family or more of
who they thought they were?

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Like what?
What's the toughest hit on?

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I think it probably comes in
stages.

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I think it's first it's I love
my wife.

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That's why I married her.
That's why I have a lot of love

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towards her.
I'm still madly in love with

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her.
That's what a lot of guys say.

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So you lost your partner.
It feels like you lost a limb

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and that that that really sucks.
And the very first reaction is

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for a lot of guys, even if you
catch her cheating and

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everything else, for a lot of
guys, the first reaction is must

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put limb back on body like
something's missing here.

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This is not good.
I, I am going through

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withdrawals.
Basically it's like a drug

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withdrawal.
And then it kind of sinks in

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like my family's not a family
anymore and I'm watching my kids

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hurt and like that, that sucks.
And then I think later on it

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sometimes takes years into The
Who am I?

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What am I now that my role as
husband is gone and I'm now like

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a basically a part time father.
What do I do on those days where

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I'm home alone?
Like what do I want to do?

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I don't even know anymore.
I've been just, I've been

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defined by my roles and what I
do for others and what I do for

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these kids, what I do for this
family I've been with the phrase

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I often uses.
I've been stuck in the family

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machine for so many years and I
gets dictated everything.

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I get up in the morning, I do
this and this for the kids.

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I go to work for 8-9 hours.
I come back, do this and this

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for the kids and go to sleep.
And that's been going on for a

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decade plus it seems for some of
these guys even longer.

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And now all the sudden just pull
the rug out from under you.

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And what's left?
I don't know.

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And this scares the hell out of
me.

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Or for some men, it's kind of
exciting, I bet.

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I think that's rare.
That's really rare for the guys

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I talked to to look at it as a
blank slate opportunity in life.

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But it takes some coaxing and
some working with other men for

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them to realize, yeah, this is
kind of an exciting, fun time to

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kind of redefine yourself.
Makes sense.

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It wouldn't be my first
reaction, but I've had that

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response to enough bad things
that you realize, well,

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eventually, you know, there
there's, there's some trivia,

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some gold and everything we
might go through.

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But there you go, you lose a
child or whatever it may be, you

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lose, lose a loved one.
I mean, let let's take for

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example, the absolute worst case
scenario, which you hope that

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doesn't happen to anyone ever.
Let's say you lose a child,

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child passes away or something.
Is there any positives that can

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be gained from that?
Well, initially, no, it's hell.

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I can't imagine going through
something like that.

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But I have known people who have
endured that and said as a

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result, I have now dedicated
myself to helping others going

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through the same thing.
Maybe your child passed away

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from some kind of horrible
disease or something.

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And I've devoted my life to
raising money for medical

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research to help eradicate this
so I can help others.

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And I now run a support group
for so it can lead to positive

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things for sure.
But obviously there's going to

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00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:15,000
be, no matter what your horrible
calamity maybe is going to be a

225
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,720
grieving period.
And that's where a lot of guys

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00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,400
need to say, give yourself some
grace and say you're going

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00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:20,560
through it and it's going to be
tough.

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And don't, you know, don't
hesitate to raise your hand and

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say little help here, which is
something a lot of guys do not

230
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:27,640
like to do.
Yeah.

231
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:33,360
So speaking about like guys
resistance asking for help, what

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00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:35,960
why does the notion, you know,
what is the notion of just suck

233
00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,080
it up, man up?
What does that actually cost

234
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,520
men?
Mental health, I mean emotional

235
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,200
and mental health of suck it up,
just do your job.

236
00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:47,240
Obviously there's a grain of
truth to that in terms of

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00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:52,960
society tends to appreciate and
reward a man who gets the job

238
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,440
done, gets things done.
And I think we kind of ingest

239
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:59,960
that over time and we we push
aside the play and the joy in

240
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,840
our life and bring in
responsibility and bring in

241
00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:04,880
roles and things I do for
others.

242
00:11:04,880 --> 00:11:06,480
And people are like, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

243
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,520
This is what we need out of you.
And we're and that is we're

244
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,040
hammered over the head.
You're in, you're out since

245
00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:13,920
we're kids of that's what men
do.

246
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:18,520
Something's broken in the house,
you fix it and you apply that

247
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:22,280
same kind of principle to
everything in life and it

248
00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:24,560
doesn't leave you much room for
emotional much of anything.

249
00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,480
And so the the way emotion works
in human beings is that we can't

250
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:33,040
selectively repress.
I can't say suppress freaking

251
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:37,360
out and and and having a a
negative reaction to horrible

252
00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,920
things that happen in my life,
but keep the joy and excitement.

253
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,200
It's like, no, it's a it's one
volume, not for everything.

254
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:45,640
So when you turn something down,
repress, repress, a lot of guys

255
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:47,320
report later in life, I feel
very flat.

256
00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,800
I don't get much of A joy of
much out of anything.

257
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,880
And that can technically slip
into depression, sure.

258
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,160
But for some it's just a a
flatness and she's like, it's

259
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,160
fine.
You get a raise at work or a

260
00:11:57,160 --> 00:11:59,640
promotion, it's like big deal,
no biggie.

261
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,120
Something your kids do,
something great, wonderful.

262
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:05,360
You don't get the same kind of
oomph that you used to get out

263
00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:07,240
of things.
And that's not a good thing.

264
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:12,240
But we frame it all in terms of
maturity and that's not really

265
00:12:12,240 --> 00:12:16,720
fair.
In in all the men you've worked

266
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:22,480
with, are there some most common
unhealthy relationship patterns

267
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:25,600
that that men go through without
realizing it?

268
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,880
In the men that I work with, by
virtue of me, my personality,

269
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,320
the material I put out there,
the books and videos and so

270
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:35,120
forth, I attract a certain
subtype of men to my material.

271
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,440
In my defense, it's not that
they are so unique to me.

272
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,800
It's really when you look at men
who take in relationship

273
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:45,680
oriented self help material tend
to fall under this category in

274
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:49,200
general and that is kind of
anxious guys filled with a lot

275
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,360
of anxiety, overthinking things,
always trying to fix things.

276
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,360
Very preoccupied is the term
psychologist use.

277
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,520
I'm not one of those preoccupied
with the health of the

278
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:01,520
relationship.
What is my partner, my spouse,

279
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:04,080
my girlfriend, always thinking
that she seems to be upset, must

280
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:04,760
fix.
Now.

281
00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:08,440
It's a very codependent mindset
that is really common in my

282
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:12,520
world amongst men.
And lo and behold, they tend to

283
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:16,640
attract and be attracted to the
polar opposite opposites.

284
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:20,240
Attract is a very real thing and
they tend to attract them.

285
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:24,720
Women who we can categorize as
being very avoidant in nature.

286
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:26,880
Now they represent the minority
of women.

287
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:30,200
The minor, the majority of women
in relationships, as far as

288
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,960
insecurity is concerned, are
what we call anxious.

289
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,040
And their attachment, well, in
my world, the genders have been

290
00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:37,440
flipped.
Now we have women going.

291
00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:39,320
I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to go to a therapy.

292
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:41,640
I don't want no, I don't want to
read a book or listen to a

293
00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:42,640
podcast.
Just stop already.

294
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:44,560
Leave me alone.
And here's Mr. Anxious.

295
00:13:44,560 --> 00:13:46,440
You need some kind of
reassurance that everything's

296
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:47,840
cool with him.
He's like, no, no, no, I want

297
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,600
you to listen to this.
We need to go talk to somebody.

298
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,600
Hey, Wi-Fi.
I was just I was just read a

299
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,120
book about relationships and I
want to talk to you about stuff.

300
00:13:54,120 --> 00:13:56,080
And she's just rolling her eyes
saying, can you just stop,

301
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,320
please?
And that bleeds over into the

302
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,480
old sex realm too.
Of course, he wants a lot of

303
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:03,560
reassurance and to reach out in
touch, physically touch.

304
00:14:03,560 --> 00:14:05,400
And she's very averse to touch.
I don't like that you're

305
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:08,560
intruding upon my space.
Avoidance are typically very

306
00:14:08,560 --> 00:14:11,120
independent to nature.
And again, this sounds very

307
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,040
masculine in nature.
A lot of guys are like, wife,

308
00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,160
just let me alone, let me drink
my beer and watch my football

309
00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:16,840
game, please.
Where are you going?

310
00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,600
What are you doing?
Can you just stop already?

311
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:21,520
Stop nagging me.
But again, we see the the the

312
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:23,520
inverse with these guys.
That doesn't make them feminine

313
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,000
in any way, shape or form.
There's nothing feminine or

314
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:29,360
masculine about being an
avoidant or being a an anxious

315
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:30,800
individual.
But that's what we see is a lot

316
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,280
of anxious guys who unbeknownst
to them, are in a very

317
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:37,080
codependent relationship that is
very unhealthy.

318
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:40,080
And because of the fact that
that's what they saw probably

319
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,120
growing up as a kiddo, they
think that's normal.

320
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,080
That's just the way
relationships are, right?

321
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:47,520
And it takes being around
healthy people, being around a

322
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:49,880
support community, maybe a
therapist or whatever it may be

323
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,400
to tell them like, actually, no,
that's not good.

324
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,120
And what your spouse just did
there was very not good.

325
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,200
That's not nice.
You deserve better than that.

326
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,240
And they kind of have to have
that hammer in their head over

327
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,320
and over and over again before
it kind of sinks in.

328
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,960
That's really tough.
We're reprogramming a lot stuff

329
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,920
that's been around for in some
of these guys for decades.

330
00:15:08,200 --> 00:15:13,720
So are there any tips for an
anxious man to really see the

331
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:18,840
difference between genuine
loving relationship and his own

332
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:22,200
cravings or neediness for
validation and affection?

333
00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,080
Is it only spotted from a a
third party witness?

334
00:15:25,600 --> 00:15:28,920
I think that's a big help and I
think that comes from that's

335
00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:31,240
basically how we learn period
about anything, whether it's

336
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,040
relationship wise or otherwise.
It's just to sit and watch, sit

337
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,320
back and have a front row seat
for how this goes down.

338
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,840
And unfortunately in childhood,
we're right there with mom and

339
00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:41,680
dad, grandma, grandpa, extended
family.

340
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,560
And if you come from from a
family of a lot of generational

341
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,360
dysfunction, that's bad.
So we have to kind of rewire

342
00:15:47,360 --> 00:15:49,720
that, if you will.
And what a lot of psychologists

343
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,200
and therapists would say, and
this is probably where they come

344
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:56,120
into more so than what myself
and my group does, is we need to

345
00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:59,160
work on you becoming a more
secure individual, liking

346
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:02,640
yourself, realizing that you're
filled with a great deal of

347
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:04,040
shame.
Shame is a really big thing in

348
00:16:04,040 --> 00:16:06,640
in our world, in the men's
world, a lot of guys is society

349
00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,000
as a whole.
There's a lot of messaging

350
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,880
around.
You're a bad boy for thinking

351
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:11,840
that you're a bad boy for doing
that tamper down your

352
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,240
masculinity, a lot of urges that
you have sexually and otherwise,

353
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:16,440
bad, bad, bad.
And so he's filled with a lot

354
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,480
of, he's bracing himself
constantly and he goes, I'm bad.

355
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:20,960
I need to convince everyone else
that I'm good.

356
00:16:21,520 --> 00:16:24,040
And that's not good.
So we need to kind of reprogram

357
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:25,840
that.
And invariably what happens is

358
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,360
if you have a guy who's working
on himself, and it usually

359
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:32,200
starts with the superficial
shallow stuff, let's say he's a

360
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:34,280
man who's 100 lbs overweight and
he loses a lot of weight

361
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,760
instantly.
I feel better about me.

362
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,680
Instantly.
People are telling him, look at

363
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,520
you, you should be proud of
yourself.

364
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:43,400
And he's walking taller and he
starts wearing better clothes

365
00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:46,280
and he becomes more confident.
He's literally standing taller.

366
00:16:46,520 --> 00:16:48,800
And he decides to hit the gym
and put some muscle on.

367
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,560
And people are like, you know,
squeezing him by the arm saying,

368
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,960
look at you, Hercules.
And he's like, that sometimes is

369
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:57,360
enough, so to speak.
It's not enough technically, but

370
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:59,600
in their mind, it's enough to
go, hold on a second.

371
00:16:59,680 --> 00:17:03,000
I have some value here.
So as their sense of worth goes

372
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:05,960
up, even if it's the silly
superficial stuff, their

373
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:10,440
patience for all the BS, as we
say in the relationship, goes

374
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,720
down.
So what used to be a I guess

375
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:17,440
that's fine, yes, dear suddenly
becomes no and the wife's like,

376
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:19,400
well, what is this?
This isn't good.

377
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:21,680
Sometimes that's a good thing.
He's finally sticking up for

378
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:23,480
himself.
Unfortunately, a lot of guys

379
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,920
stop there.
That's the easy thing, you know,

380
00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:28,079
push and pull things, lose
weight.

381
00:17:28,079 --> 00:17:30,280
Stop shoving crap in your mouth
and you tend to lose weight and

382
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,640
look a lot better.
But that's just again, the

383
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,680
superficial stuff.
You you should do that

384
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:36,040
regardless if you're in a
relationship or not.

385
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:37,640
Be healthy, look good.
Why not?

386
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,080
But it's all the stuff up here
in the in the old noggin that

387
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:44,480
need to work on that little in
you know, I'll say injured boy.

388
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,560
What's another word for it?
Damaged kid from from the past

389
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:48,640
that you need to work on that
stuff.

390
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,960
That's where your therapist and
psychologist come into play.

391
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:53,880
Group work and all the good
stuff where you're comparing

392
00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:56,840
yourself to others and you start
sharing advice.

393
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:59,400
You're helping others.
You you learn by helping others,

394
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:01,480
teaching others.
They in turn teach you.

395
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,000
You have a lot of little aha
moments.

396
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,200
Helps expedite the process to
work with others, that's for

397
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:08,800
sure.
You, you mentioned the dead

398
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:12,440
Bedroom and that was your first
and most popular book.

399
00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:16,680
Can you can you expand on on
what that is and how it affects

400
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,040
men?
It's what it sounds like,

401
00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,160
sexless marriage.
You guys aren't getting it on

402
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:23,000
anymore and it is.
I'm not joking.

403
00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:25,760
Out of all the things out there
that I've ever spoken about, and

404
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:28,200
I speak to other people who
create content online and they

405
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:32,240
can attest to the same thing.
You can talk about all the

406
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,240
things in the world under the
umbrella of relationship stuff

407
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:36,800
or built becoming a more secure
guy.

408
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:42,640
Sex and marriage or lack thereof
is the number one pain point for

409
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,520
men worldwide.
It seems guys that are in

410
00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:47,520
monogamous relationships.
So it shows that it's not that

411
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,720
uncommon for a guy to be in a
long term monogamous

412
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:54,520
relationship and say it's most
guys say not completely dead,

413
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:59,220
but to it.
But it's the passion non

414
00:18:59,220 --> 00:19:01,520
existent, the feeling of
emotional connection in that

415
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:05,440
way, non existent lustfulness on
her part towards me gone died

416
00:19:05,440 --> 00:19:09,040
years ago.
It seems to be out of obligation

417
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:12,080
when we do the deed with each
other and that turns them off

418
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:14,480
even more.
It seems to be the only time I

419
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,800
get any kind of rise out of my
wife is after three glasses of

420
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,200
wine.
And when I take her on a trip to

421
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,800
Aruba.
It's the only time it seems to

422
00:19:19,800 --> 00:19:22,520
be like any kind of the old girl
back not good.

423
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:27,680
So that is again the number one
pain point for men all over the

424
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:29,720
world that are married.
So that's why when I wrote a

425
00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:31,000
book about it, it kind of
exploded.

426
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:35,480
And when I put out any kind of
video, I, when I post them, we

427
00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:37,120
have them scheduled.
I'm like, I know this one's

428
00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:38,760
going to hit big.
And sure enough, it's the

429
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,320
millions, you know?
And the one I posted that I

430
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,120
thought was really, really
important, I put a lot of time

431
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:44,160
into gets like 10,000 views or
whatever.

432
00:19:44,160 --> 00:19:48,000
But sex sells, as you know.
And when you combine that sex

433
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:52,200
with the pain and the feeling
rejected and all that, it is a

434
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:56,280
big, big nuclear bomb as far as
content and hitting a nerve is

435
00:19:56,280 --> 00:20:01,400
concerned.
So is there a a very unsexy

436
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:06,040
first step to take for someone
that wants to resolve the dead

437
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:08,840
bedroom?
I think, and it's a step that a

438
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,320
lot of you are very codependent
Mr. Nice Guy types don't like to

439
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:14,120
take, which is a very honest
inventory of where you're at the

440
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:17,080
relationship.
And that does take a third party

441
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:20,200
to step in, so to speak, whether
you and the wife are in the same

442
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:23,080
room or not, or if it's just you
one-on-one to look at things

443
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:26,600
from a 30,000 completely
detached 30,000 foot view of

444
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,280
your relationship and go, dude,
that's not good.

445
00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:31,360
And how long has that been going
on for?

446
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,680
And if you hear, oh, I don't
know, ten, 20-30 years, you're

447
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:37,240
like, oh, dare I say the
majority?

448
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:39,720
I hate to say that, but it's
probably true.

449
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,680
I don't have any data to back
this up or anything.

450
00:20:41,680 --> 00:20:44,840
Just my knee jerk reaction is
the majority of men that I work

451
00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,720
with, which means they get to
the point of they are so

452
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:49,800
frustrated that they're paying a
stranger on the Internet to talk

453
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:52,160
to me one-on-one and join my
group and everything else.

454
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,880
By the time they get to me, I'm
like the majority.

455
00:20:55,880 --> 00:21:00,000
I would say your relationship
from day one was a mess.

456
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:04,000
You have two very insecure
people that got together and

457
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,720
they probably had no business
getting together.

458
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,000
And often you will hear.
So how was the relationship at

459
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:10,920
the early stage?
It's all right.

460
00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,320
And, you know, did you get along
with her family and everything?

461
00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:16,840
It's all right.
I guess, you know, just a lot

462
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:18,200
of, you know, shoulder
shrugging.

463
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:20,960
Well, what is it about her out
of all the human beings on the

464
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:24,160
planet Earth that you agreed?
I'm going to make her my wife

465
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:26,800
and start a family and like make
like the biggest decision of

466
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:29,120
your life with why her?
Because you really don't seem

467
00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:30,680
very excited about the woman.
Because by the time they're

468
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:32,040
talking to me, they really don't
like her at all.

469
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:36,600
And they well, the guys will say
she liked me and she didn't run

470
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:39,280
away like the five other girls
before her.

471
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:41,800
And when she saw the real me,
she stuck around.

472
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:43,680
So I said, that's it.
She's the one.

473
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:47,840
And it's like, I can see your
point, but there's a lot more to

474
00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:52,160
it than that, it seems.
And this is more illustrative of

475
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:55,040
the audience that I talked to
versus audience or the society

476
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:57,360
in general.
But it would seem in my world,

477
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:00,520
the women are far more pragmatic
about relationships than what

478
00:22:00,520 --> 00:22:02,440
the men are.
The women are like, he's got to

479
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,720
be a good father.
I need to know that I can depend

480
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,520
on him.
He's going to be dependable and

481
00:22:07,520 --> 00:22:09,360
etcetera and all these other
things all combined.

482
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:13,320
Then I go to the man and he's
like, she didn't run away and I

483
00:22:13,320 --> 00:22:14,080
like her.
OK.

484
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,360
He's like a little bit we we can
take a page from the book of the

485
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:20,440
women for sure.
As far as vetting our romantic

486
00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:22,120
partner candidates are
concerned.

487
00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:25,480
It's a big honking deal.
And for the majority guys I

488
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:27,640
talked to, they did not approach
in that way and they're paying

489
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:30,920
the price. 1020 plus years and
three or four kids later,

490
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:32,760
unfortunately, who wants to hear
that?

491
00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:34,440
Like this is a hopeless cause,
dude.

492
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,360
And but I'm telling you that
some of the stories I've heard

493
00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:41,400
are just horrible infidelity.
I'll didn't even begin to cover

494
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,160
it.
Financial infidelity, sexual

495
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:46,960
infidelity, emotional
infidelity, abuse, flat out

496
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:48,720
emotional and sometimes physical
abuse.

497
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:51,880
It's not good and it all stems
from a guy who doesn't like

498
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:55,320
himself very much at all.
And he needs to realize that.

499
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:58,760
And before it, until he realizes
that he's never going to get out

500
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:00,360
of that mess.
Even if she divorces him, which

501
00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:01,800
happens more often than not,
it's around.

502
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:05,080
We know that statistically
around 70% of the divorces that

503
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:08,720
are filed, to be exact here, to
be fair, are filed by women.

504
00:23:09,520 --> 00:23:11,440
So chances are if I'm talking to
a guy and it's like I'm going

505
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,360
through a divorce, it was the
wife that said I'm out of here,

506
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:15,760
I'm done even if that's the
case.

507
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:17,760
So he's got that mess out of the
way.

508
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:21,400
He's still got all the stuff
going on up here that subsequent

509
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,320
relationships which he will get
in they they may not believe it,

510
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:26,800
but they will most likely
probably quickly too.

511
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,480
If he's like most guys, I talk
to you, he's going to repeat the

512
00:23:29,480 --> 00:23:30,800
same patterns over and over
again.

513
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:34,520
And that is a major mind F, if
you know what I mean to a lot of

514
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:37,200
these guys like, oh, wow, I just
got with my ex-wife all over

515
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:38,400
again.
What the heck is going on with

516
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:39,000
me?
What's going on?

517
00:23:39,040 --> 00:23:41,640
Sometimes they need to do that.
That's their holy poop moment

518
00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:44,360
where they finally go all right,
I need to work on me.

519
00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:47,680
What's going on here?
I had such moments in in my, I

520
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:52,640
guess you could say rebirth or
rebuilding process of of old me

521
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,520
to what I have now.
Yeah, you have got to go through

522
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:58,760
it.
In your rebirthing or in the way

523
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:03,960
you see other men go through it,
how do they address their pain

524
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:08,680
and hurt without becoming those
bitter, angry, blaming men?

525
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,800
You know what, I, I tell you, it
seems like almost 100% of them

526
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,680
have to dip into that, well, a
little bit.

527
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,880
I, I get it's a normal human
response to lash out.

528
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:21,840
And what better way to lash out
at the person or hurt you, the

529
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:26,920
woman, than to try to hurt her
metaphorically as much as

530
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:28,840
possible.
And how best to hurt her is to

531
00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:34,280
say you are such a damaged
individual because of who you

532
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:35,040
are.
You're a woman.

533
00:24:35,760 --> 00:24:37,840
And the fact that you're a woman
means you are this bad thing,

534
00:24:37,840 --> 00:24:38,840
that bad thing, blah, blah,
blah.

535
00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:42,000
And these men commiserate on the
Internet, as you know, and this

536
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,400
can go on for years where they
just all get together and talk

537
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:47,120
about what was me.
The women are everything that's

538
00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:50,080
wrong in our lives.
And it seems every guy that gets

539
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,200
cheated on and everything, drugs
or the coals and the divorce has

540
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:54,840
to kind of dip into that, well,
a little bit.

541
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:57,400
And there's a lot of content out
there that he can dip into

542
00:24:57,680 --> 00:24:59,680
YouTube.
You can spend years on YouTube

543
00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:02,120
watching videos from guys that
say women suck and men rule.

544
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:05,000
It's all over the place.
So it seems like they all have

545
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,880
to go through some of that, but
it leads them down a not so good

546
00:25:07,880 --> 00:25:11,000
path and they end up hurting
people or they end up getting

547
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,560
hurt themselves and they're just
like, this isn't good.

548
00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:14,640
This isn't me.
What is this?

549
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:17,840
And the fog clears from all the
basically the trauma that they

550
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:19,480
endured.
It's a trauma response.

551
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:21,960
And then they come back more to
center, so to speak.

552
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,920
So you got the pendulum swing of
super Mr. Nice Guy pushover all

553
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:28,920
the way to a whole alpha male,
fake alpha male type guy.

554
00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:31,040
And he's like, all right, I
recognize that it's somewhere in

555
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:32,720
the middle.
Here is where I need to be, but

556
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:37,840
it takes a while to get there.
They mentioned men that try to

557
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:40,800
rebuild too fast.
So what's a common mistake in

558
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:43,320
attempting to rebuild too fast?
The number one mistake I see

559
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:45,840
amongst the men that I work with
is getting into relationships

560
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:48,840
too fast.
So they bound the relationship.

561
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,800
They, I mean, they, the woman,
their, their wife just says

562
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:55,040
divorce and they're like on the
dating apps literally the next

563
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,560
day.
That's not healthy.

564
00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:59,040
That's not good.
You're basically trying to use

565
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:01,520
other human beings, these women
as human band aids, as they call

566
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:04,520
it, make me feel better women to
the in these guys defense.

567
00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,680
If you talk to them, they try to
explain it away is I haven't had

568
00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:09,160
any, if you know what I mean for
a while.

569
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,960
I'm a man with needs.
I'm a human being.

570
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:14,320
There's all these women out
there that are willing to meet

571
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,520
me next Wednesday and get it on.
I need that.

572
00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:18,880
It's like I understand it man to
man.

573
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:21,120
I get it, but at the same time
you have to understand your

574
00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:24,120
mental makeup is you're going
through a lot, dude, and you're

575
00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,400
you're going to take that energy
out in the world and you're

576
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:27,920
going to attract fellow broken
people.

577
00:26:28,240 --> 00:26:30,160
Chaos is going to ensue.
You're going to fall in love

578
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:31,120
with one of them.
No, I won't.

579
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:33,720
Yes you will.
And it just, it's going to be a

580
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:36,640
mess and they think that they
can do the casual thing and they

581
00:26:36,640 --> 00:26:38,960
can jump from woman to woman and
everything will be fine.

582
00:26:40,120 --> 00:26:43,960
The sex is complicated and
there's a motion involved, not

583
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:45,960
to mention the whole STD thing
and everything else you got to

584
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:48,080
worry about.
But it's just it's not that

585
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:49,400
easy.
And for the guys I've talked to,

586
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:52,320
arguably it's a little harder
than the average dude.

587
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:57,240
What complicates this even
further is a large portion of my

588
00:26:57,240 --> 00:27:02,240
audience and probably a large
portion of the men's self help

589
00:27:02,280 --> 00:27:05,920
world in general, are guys that
we, what we call neurodivergent.

590
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:09,400
So you got your ADHD.
I'm on the autism spectrum and

591
00:27:09,400 --> 00:27:12,400
so forth.
So relationships are extra

592
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:17,040
difficult for them and they fall
in love extra hard, extra fast

593
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:19,640
and they hang on extra, extra
hard.

594
00:27:20,120 --> 00:27:23,080
And when the relationship
eventually fizzles or goes away

595
00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,480
and she dumps them, they take it
extra, extra hard.

596
00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:27,240
There's rejection sensitivity is
a thing.

597
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:31,120
It's very common in the ADHADHD
as well as the autism world, and

598
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:34,360
we see that a lot.
So dude, be careful.

599
00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:36,800
You're jumping into the deep end
of the pool there by, you know,

600
00:27:36,800 --> 00:27:39,600
putting yourself on the market.
Why not just put the ladies on

601
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,440
the shelf for a little bit?
Just take a time out.

602
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:42,680
It's OK, They're not going
anywhere.

603
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:45,000
How about 12 months?
It goes by fast.

604
00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:48,000
Just say no relationships, no
dating, no nothing.

605
00:27:48,240 --> 00:27:50,320
Concentrate on the divorce
thing.

606
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:52,040
That's a lot of time and energy
there.

607
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:54,960
The kids always forget about the
kids got to worry about them.

608
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:57,240
They're depending on daddy to
remain sane and normal during

609
00:27:57,240 --> 00:27:59,480
all this.
So maybe mom's gone off and

610
00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:01,440
started acting crazy and running
around or doing whatever.

611
00:28:01,440 --> 00:28:04,520
It's really common in my world.
So focus on them.

612
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,960
Focus on the logistics of
starting over your life, where

613
00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:09,040
you going to live and the money
and the career and everything.

614
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:10,960
Put the ladies on the shelf for
a bit.

615
00:28:11,720 --> 00:28:14,040
But I'm telling you, almost 10
out of 10 guys don't do that.

616
00:28:14,560 --> 00:28:18,760
It's that that draw.
It is so potent and so powerful.

617
00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:20,920
The new relationship energy
getting out there again and

618
00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:23,520
falling in love and getting your
physical needs met.

619
00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:27,720
And in majority of them, their
first rebound relationship fails

620
00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:32,040
pretty drastically.
A lot of them go, OK, lesson

621
00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:33,880
learned And they lick their
wounds and say, all right, maybe

622
00:28:33,880 --> 00:28:35,960
I do need to take a time out.
I think it's about 5050.

623
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:38,720
But still, even then, about 50%
of them go on to the next one

624
00:28:38,720 --> 00:28:42,080
and they're on relationship 2-3
and the divorce still isn't even

625
00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:45,640
final yet.
And they will tell me, Ralph,

626
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:47,800
I'm telling you these women, no
red flags, everything's cool.

627
00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:50,760
I said, well, here's a red flag.
You just got divorced or you're

628
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:53,720
not even divorced yet.
So you're going to some woman

629
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:55,560
off the street going I I'm not
even divorced yet.

630
00:28:55,560 --> 00:28:57,840
And she says, cool, let's go out
and let's have sex and

631
00:28:57,840 --> 00:29:00,120
everything.
That is in itself a red flag.

632
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,760
A good secure woman would say,
oh, sweetie, it's nice meeting

633
00:29:02,760 --> 00:29:04,880
you, but I don't think you're
quite ready yet.

634
00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:07,040
And stuff like get back with me
in a year or two.

635
00:29:07,080 --> 00:29:08,920
All right, if you want to have
coffee or whatever, fine, But

636
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:11,360
you and I ain't dating.
That's that's all.

637
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:14,160
But you're so you're finding
fellow insecure people who are

638
00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:15,400
like, I'll take whatever I can
get.

639
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:17,920
Oh, it's just chaotic.
I see that all the time.

640
00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:20,680
That's an interesting tip.
I don't think I've heard that.

641
00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:22,760
If you don't see the red flag,
maybe it's you.

642
00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:25,400
That's a very succinct way of
putting.

643
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:30,520
I love it.
Why do so many men need to hit

644
00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:34,680
total rock bottom before looking
for support or help?

645
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:37,440
I think.
That's a testimony to the we're

646
00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:41,200
caught in the machinations of
life, observing, of fixing and

647
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:43,360
when you're in that days just go
by like nothing.

648
00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:45,760
You never think about it.
A week went by, have you?

649
00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:48,760
How many of us, when going
through the trials and

650
00:29:48,760 --> 00:29:51,600
tribulations of our day, go, I'm
going to take 10 minutes and

651
00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,160
just stop and think about
things.

652
00:29:53,560 --> 00:29:56,600
None of us do that.
I'm going to what, meditate on

653
00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:59,400
my life and think, no, that's a
very, very small portion of us

654
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:01,960
do that.
That's what it takes to go like,

655
00:30:02,080 --> 00:30:05,800
all right, dude.
For example, it's very common in

656
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:09,640
my world to hear from guys post
divorce, for example, that say I

657
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,440
just had a really bad day and
I've just, I'm sitting on my

658
00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:14,120
couch.
I'm literally crying watching

659
00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:15,680
ATV show.
This isn't like me.

660
00:30:15,680 --> 00:30:19,280
Like I'm like, yeah, dude, you,
you endure the trauma, give

661
00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:21,520
yourself a break.
You know, it, it, it takes a

662
00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:23,520
while to overcome this.
Well, I was fine yesterday.

663
00:30:23,520 --> 00:30:26,480
I know, dude, it's, it's OK.
They don't like feeling that

664
00:30:26,800 --> 00:30:31,880
acute anxiety, emotional
distress moment and they think

665
00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:34,000
it must be fixed now.
It's a testimony to the fixing

666
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,480
thing.
Like, OK, what's the magic

667
00:30:35,480 --> 00:30:37,400
formula to make this stop?
It's like it's called going

668
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:40,200
through it.
It's just what it takes, dude,

669
00:30:40,520 --> 00:30:44,880
and to give yourself some grace
and to pause and go, why am I

670
00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:46,440
feeling this right now?
What's going on with me?

671
00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:48,640
Well, I didn't get a good sleep
last night.

672
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:50,640
That may be a part of it.
When you're tired, your your

673
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:53,080
defenses are down.
I just got over the flu.

674
00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:55,440
It's probably a part of it too.
Again, my defenses are down.

675
00:30:55,760 --> 00:30:57,040
I've been really stressed.
Oh yeah.

676
00:30:57,040 --> 00:31:00,320
The X sent me a 19 screen long
text message of complaining

677
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:02,480
about me.
This that probably tapped into

678
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:05,880
something there.
So I can't remember what the

679
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:07,960
original question was, but that
is really, really common in

680
00:31:07,960 --> 00:31:10,120
terms of guys, you need to give
yourself a break.

681
00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:12,280
You need to pause and think
about what it is that you're

682
00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:17,000
going through and understand
that sometimes the best way

683
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:19,640
through it is to go through it.
There's no shortcut to this.

684
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:21,320
There's no like hitting the stop
button.

685
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:25,760
Actually, let me pause that.
There is and it's not so good.

686
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:27,320
Things, coping mechanisms, we
call them.

687
00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:31,120
You can pick up the bottle of
liquor and get drunk and forget

688
00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:33,400
about a lot of things.
Not good, not healthy.

689
00:31:33,480 --> 00:31:36,720
Now you become an addict.
Potentially you could go out and

690
00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:38,520
meet a bunch of women and feel
really great about that.

691
00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:40,280
We just covered that.
Not good.

692
00:31:40,720 --> 00:31:44,080
You could overeat, good gamble,
do a lot of impulsive compulsive

693
00:31:44,080 --> 00:31:47,760
type of behavior.
Those are all masking tools to I

694
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:49,320
feel bad.
Let me quickly not feel bad.

695
00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:51,280
Get those little dopamine hit
from things.

696
00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:52,760
Scroll on your phone for an hour
or two.

697
00:31:52,760 --> 00:31:56,280
That's really common these days.
It's really unusual, but it's

698
00:31:56,280 --> 00:32:00,000
very healthy these days to just
time out and say what's going on

699
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:01,680
with me right now, let's be
honest about it.

700
00:32:01,840 --> 00:32:06,920
And nobody does that.
Why is peer support spaces like

701
00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:09,360
the Brotherhood?
Why is that so important and

702
00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:12,760
beneficial for men?
Well, it's beneficial for us

703
00:32:12,760 --> 00:32:14,480
all, men or women.
It's not a gendered thing at

704
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:16,440
all.
It's just that the women seem to

705
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:18,080
do a lot better at that than
what we do.

706
00:32:18,080 --> 00:32:22,200
And one example I often give is
that we will hear from men post

707
00:32:22,200 --> 00:32:25,200
divorce.
Let's say his wife was quote UN

708
00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:27,800
quote bad in the bad person in
the relationship.

709
00:32:27,800 --> 00:32:31,000
So she cheated, she ran off and
spent a bunch of money.

710
00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:33,320
She's on drinking too much and
all this other stuff.

711
00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:37,440
She breaks up the family, they
get divorced and he's because

712
00:32:37,440 --> 00:32:39,440
he's like a lot of the guys I
talk to, he's still attached to

713
00:32:39,440 --> 00:32:40,760
her.
Nothing wrong with that.

714
00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:43,560
Obviously been with a woman for
years, still an emotional

715
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:45,040
attachment.
So he starts kind of cyber

716
00:32:45,040 --> 00:32:47,360
stalking her and checking out
her social media, which she's

717
00:32:47,360 --> 00:32:49,760
very active on.
If she's like the average gal in

718
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:54,800
the US today and he's watching
her just get accolades and

719
00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:56,440
likes.
She just posts a picture of her

720
00:32:56,440 --> 00:33:00,480
cute face and 600 likes and you
look great you go girl.

721
00:33:00,840 --> 00:33:03,920
And then she posts something
like hey, I'm looking for some

722
00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:05,720
furniture cheap.
Does anybody have anything?

723
00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:07,760
And she gets 20 people right
away saying you can have my

724
00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:09,040
couch.
I've been trying to get rid of

725
00:33:09,040 --> 00:33:11,760
it free, it's yours.
And in other words, everyone is

726
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:13,960
coming to the rescue of the
damsel in distress.

727
00:33:14,760 --> 00:33:18,320
And he watches this, the typical
dude and says immediately jumps

728
00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:20,840
to women or people don't care
about the man.

729
00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:22,040
Everyone just cares about the
woman.

730
00:33:22,040 --> 00:33:25,720
It's a gendered thing.
Woe is me and everyone is on her

731
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:28,160
side.
She has she has lied to everyone

732
00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:29,800
about the situation.
They don't know the truth.

733
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:32,360
I'll just set everyone straight.
Never works.

734
00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:37,480
What you're seeing is a symptom
of she has spent the last so

735
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:39,040
many years.
If she's like the average woman

736
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:43,000
building a social network, she
goes out to coffee with this

737
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:44,560
one.
She goes out to wine dates with

738
00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:46,920
this one and this one and she
knows this one who knows this

739
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:48,760
one who knows this one.
And you, if you map out her

740
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:51,600
network, you're like, holy crap
is a giant spider web of people.

741
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:55,240
And then you go over to the guy
and he's like about a year and a

742
00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:58,920
half ago, I hung out with him.
I text him funny memes every now

743
00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:01,000
and then.
And this is the guy I eat lunch

744
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:04,760
with at work and done probably
he moved across the country.

745
00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:07,600
So he's away from his original
family and community and friends

746
00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:08,840
and old high school friends or
whatever.

747
00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:13,199
That's very common these days.
So that's illustrative of

748
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:18,320
community is very important just
for the logistics of life people

749
00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:20,440
that help you out.
But we know for a fact,

750
00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:25,239
scientifically some serotonin,
for example, is, is a common

751
00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:27,520
chemical that we talk about the
human brain, human body.

752
00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:31,000
It's something that we try to
have hang around in the body

753
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:34,719
more via the selective serotonin
reuptake inhibitors, SSRI

754
00:34:34,719 --> 00:34:37,120
medications.
So we know that if you inhibit

755
00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:40,159
the the reuptake of the
serotonin, leave it in the brain

756
00:34:40,159 --> 00:34:41,960
for a while, people tend to feel
happier.

757
00:34:41,960 --> 00:34:44,280
So we have those drugs that like
do that and takes the edge off

758
00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:46,840
as far as anxiety and depression
are concerned.

759
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:53,239
But but it doesn't completely
100% resolve is the need for

760
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:56,040
community.
It would seem that we as human

761
00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:59,560
beings need that community in
order to feel emotionally,

762
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:01,960
mentally healthy.
When you remove people from

763
00:35:01,960 --> 00:35:04,480
other people for an extended
period of time, we tend to go

764
00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:06,400
nuts.
We tend to get a little

765
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:09,800
depressed, a little a lot
depressed and anxious and things

766
00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:12,280
don't feel right and things
start spiraling out of control.

767
00:35:13,080 --> 00:35:15,600
Ask anybody who's felt very
lonely and when they get over

768
00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:18,080
the hump and there is a very
real hump with a lot of guys of

769
00:35:18,080 --> 00:35:22,760
the uncomfortability of getting
over the hump of OK, I'll make

770
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:24,520
myself vulnerable.
I'll put myself out there.

771
00:35:24,520 --> 00:35:27,000
I'll try to make friends.
Sure, I'll go up to some random

772
00:35:27,000 --> 00:35:29,080
guy and go, hey, I'm Ralph,
what's your name?

773
00:35:29,240 --> 00:35:31,200
That's really tough for a lot of
guys, especially introverted and

774
00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:33,560
nervous kind of guys.
And but once they get over the

775
00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:36,720
hump, maybe they join a formal
group over it like mine or

776
00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:38,400
something around some kind of
interest of theirs.

777
00:35:39,000 --> 00:35:41,520
They always say the same thing.
I'm so glad I did that.

778
00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:43,880
I just feel a million times
better just hanging out with

779
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:47,120
guys and they don't necessarily
need to have the most deep and

780
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:48,960
interesting conversations, just
the energy.

781
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:52,520
But if you combine the energy
with we're all here for a

782
00:35:52,520 --> 00:35:55,720
purpose to help each other, to
talk about this deep stuff, to

783
00:35:55,720 --> 00:35:58,280
talk about that embarrassing
stuff with no judgement, no

784
00:35:58,280 --> 00:35:59,840
shame.
You look around, there's no

785
00:35:59,840 --> 00:36:02,080
other ladies in the in the room
to make me feel uncomfortable.

786
00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:05,160
It's just us dudes.
Holy crap, it's huge.

787
00:36:05,160 --> 00:36:08,240
Men just come back and say, why
didn't I do this 20 years ago?

788
00:36:08,240 --> 00:36:10,360
Where was this?
And you know what, when you look

789
00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:12,760
back in history, not too far in
history, we did have that

790
00:36:12,760 --> 00:36:16,480
naturally, guys were shoulder to
shoulder working together, doing

791
00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:18,160
physical labor, whatever it may
be.

792
00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:20,960
And our grandfathers and great
grandfathers were very good

793
00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:23,160
about the fraternal
organizations that was built

794
00:36:23,160 --> 00:36:25,800
into their world.
And that just all kind of

795
00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:28,680
fizzled out and went away.
And now I'm very rarely do I

796
00:36:28,680 --> 00:36:31,440
hear from a guy that even
belongs to like a an informal

797
00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:34,480
sport league.
Like the other day I heard some

798
00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:36,800
guy talking about I belong to a
basketball league for guys that

799
00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:38,440
are 50 years and older.
I'm like, that's awesome.

800
00:36:38,440 --> 00:36:40,200
You're you're in the minority.
I don't hear that very often.

801
00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:41,360
That's great.
It's like, yeah.

802
00:36:41,360 --> 00:36:43,560
And after where we go out for
beer and hang out and da, da,

803
00:36:43,560 --> 00:36:44,720
da.
And I've made really good

804
00:36:44,720 --> 00:36:47,000
friends from that.
That's what it's all about.

805
00:36:47,000 --> 00:36:48,480
That's community.
And he will tell you, like

806
00:36:48,480 --> 00:36:50,520
everybody else, we feel a
million times better after that.

807
00:36:52,680 --> 00:36:55,400
So Ralph, what's the best way
for people to connect with you

808
00:36:55,400 --> 00:36:57,880
and everything you're offering?
Is there a particular social

809
00:36:57,880 --> 00:37:00,280
media network you're on, active,
most on or?

810
00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:03,360
You can find me a couple
different ways that the social

811
00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:05,840
media accounts that I am the
most active on are the ones that

812
00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:07,360
are branded as Dad starting
over.

813
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:08,480
And that's how a lot of people
know me.

814
00:37:08,480 --> 00:37:10,480
See my bald head yapping in your
news feed?

815
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:13,040
That's me and I am very active
on Facebook.

816
00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:16,680
I think I have 257,000 followers
on there and then YouTube I have

817
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:21,520
like 140,000 and TikTok, I'm on
there as well, 120, some 1000 or

818
00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:23,480
whatever.
So I get a lot of people seeing

819
00:37:23,480 --> 00:37:26,080
me there on Dad starting over.
But the main hub of our

820
00:37:26,080 --> 00:37:30,560
organization and everything I do
can be found on helpformen.com.

821
00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:33,720
helpformen.com.
You can jump right to the join

822
00:37:33,720 --> 00:37:35,960
page, click on the Brotherhood
there on the website, or go

823
00:37:35,960 --> 00:37:41,240
right to helpformen.com/join and
you can find out all about the

824
00:37:41,240 --> 00:37:42,520
Brotherhood.
There is a small fee for

825
00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:45,440
joining, but with that, you get
our live Zoom meetings, of which

826
00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:48,120
we have like 6 to 8 of those
every single week, an hour or

827
00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:50,480
more each.
And so you get to talk to me,

828
00:37:50,480 --> 00:37:52,960
other guys on the team about a
variety of different issues.

829
00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:55,440
And we record all of them and we
have them archived so you can

830
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:57,160
listen to them from your phone
like a podcast.

831
00:37:57,680 --> 00:38:01,200
And we have over at this point
probably like 1600 hours of

832
00:38:01,280 --> 00:38:04,360
meetings recorded in addition to
all my books and no additional

833
00:38:04,360 --> 00:38:07,800
charge including the audio
versions, a forum which is very

834
00:38:07,880 --> 00:38:10,960
2 forms actually, we use
Facebook private group as well

835
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:12,920
as Discord for guys to talk
online.

836
00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:15,640
Both very, very active.
We get together in person for an

837
00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:18,320
annual conference in the US.
Soon we're going to add an

838
00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:22,040
additional 1 and then in the US.
So that'll make it 2 a year.

839
00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:25,040
And then we have one in
Australia every year and then

840
00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:26,680
what else am I forgetting?
And we have the one-on-one

841
00:38:26,680 --> 00:38:28,840
coaching, we have courses, all
kinds of cool stuff.

842
00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:29,960
So check out the Brotherhood
and.

843
00:38:31,720 --> 00:38:34,560
Finally, Ralph, what is one
thing that you wish more men

844
00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:36,760
knew?
Ask for help.

845
00:38:37,840 --> 00:38:40,680
That's basically it it there's a
shame and talk about that shame.

846
00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,640
There's a lot of shame with
saying I I I'm not doing very

847
00:38:43,640 --> 00:38:46,200
well here.
There's for whatever reason

848
00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:49,800
either probably a lot of their
family background origin is they

849
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:52,520
somewhere somehow someone is
embedded in them.

850
00:38:52,520 --> 00:38:54,920
Like you just don't do that.
That's that's that's no good.

851
00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:57,440
Girls don't like that.
Other people don't like that.

852
00:38:57,440 --> 00:38:59,360
They see it was weak.
Don't do that.

853
00:39:00,080 --> 00:39:03,460
Not true.
Literally every great quote, UN

854
00:39:03,460 --> 00:39:05,360
quote man that I've ever known
who has made something of

855
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:08,840
himself has asked for help as
part of a group, as part of a

856
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:11,240
network, as part.
And they will be very quick to

857
00:39:11,240 --> 00:39:12,840
raise their hand and say how do
I do this?

858
00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:15,400
Or I'm having a hard time with
this or whatever it may be.

859
00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:18,360
So don't think that you're alone
or that you're weird that you

860
00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:19,840
shouldn't have to do that.
You do.

861
00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:21,960
You're a human being and there's
nothing wrong with asking for

862
00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:24,880
help.
Well, Ralph, I want to thank you

863
00:39:24,920 --> 00:39:29,720
for turning your pain into your
purpose and all the offerings

864
00:39:29,720 --> 00:39:34,560
and support because, yeah, there
is no reason for men to go

865
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:37,360
through anything alone there.
There's nothing that any of us

866
00:39:37,360 --> 00:39:40,320
can go through that thousands,
perhaps millions of men haven't

867
00:39:40,320 --> 00:39:41,880
already gone through
successfully.

868
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:45,080
And one thing that I that didn't
get talked about when I was

869
00:39:45,080 --> 00:39:49,160
growing up was how good it feels
to help another man to be

870
00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:52,480
serviced.
And a lot of guys, when they try

871
00:39:52,480 --> 00:39:55,360
to find their new mission in
life and their new purpose, find

872
00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:58,920
a lot of meaning and a lot of
sense of well-being from helping

873
00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:00,880
others.
That was my story, yeah.

874
00:40:01,760 --> 00:40:03,360
Thanks so much for joining us
again, Ralph.

875
00:40:03,600 --> 00:40:07,320
That was real, practical and a
deeply needed conversation.

876
00:40:07,720 --> 00:40:10,360
You know, so many men are
walking through heartbreak,

877
00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:14,640
disconnection, loneliness and
rejection without the language

878
00:40:14,640 --> 00:40:18,160
for it and without support.
Conversations like this matter

879
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:22,160
so that men see that pain
doesn't make you weak and that

880
00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:24,560
asking for help doesn't make you
less of a man.

881
00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:28,720
If today's episode spoke to you,
share it with a friend or

882
00:40:28,720 --> 00:40:31,480
subscribe, leave a review, let
other guys know about this.

883
00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:34,640
And if you want more than just
listening, if you want real

884
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:38,480
connection with other men, get
that support, Check out Ralph's

885
00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:41,040
Brotherhood or my authentic AF
group.

886
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:46,120
Visit realmenfeel.org/group.
Thanks again for listening and

887
00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:49,000
until next time be good to
yourself.