Regular Guy Chat with Anthony | Being A Better Man

0:01 Hello and welcome to real men feel. This is your host Andy Grant. I'm an author coach and healer. You can learn more about me at the integrand.com room and feel exist to remind them that they are human beings that they have the right to experience and express all of their emotions. We have conversations that most men aren't having but that all men can benefit from I think it's been five months since we did a regular guy chat. That's when a man somehow orbiting in my circle of life wants to talk about something without an agenda. There's there's nothing to promote rather he wants I share himself is challenges his accomplishments and how he sees the world today. We have a nice Kyrie like most men Anthony wears many hats personal trainer father husband friend Mentor outdoor enthusiasts to name a few first and foremost.

0:45 Anthony is a good man. That is why I'm glad to say welcome to real men Feel Anthony. Thank you Andy. It's great to be here. We met last year in an online program from the mankind project. Yeah, it's like last August. I believe it started. Yeah, what what prompted you to get involved with the mankind project? Gosh, couple years ago before way, before the pandemic I hear. I was my, you know, upper 40s. And then must have, gosh, I am not very close to men. I mean, I might close group of friends, but outside of that I don't have anybody I could call up and talk to be real with. I don't have a tribe of men and like, there's got to be something out there.

1:34 And I literally went on Line looking for like men's group something. I just, you know, Googled search men's groups and then mkp came up and I was like, what's this? And that's like wow, like this exists and read about the new Warrior training? And I was like well that really sounds interesting and sounds terrifying at the time but I put that on my radar. Like I'd like to do something like that and then just life got in the way and it got put on the back burner and And then the pandemic it and now it's just looking for yet that connection. And I saw I went back to it and I took my first introductory course is like three week.

2:17 Course that kind of get your feet wet and mkp. I know I was blown away. I was like this, this is exactly what I'm looking for. I'm looking for men, like me, regular, dudes from all walks of life, that are trying to be better, men to ReDiscover who they truly are like their authentic self through all their warts and everything, all the good, and the Bad, and the Ugly, and the funny. And just, yeah, it's great to be a part of something, where it felt real. And safe just be me and talk growing up. How did you learn what it means to be a man. well, I mean, through my family Dynamics, my father, my uncle's growing up in the 70s, it was that kind of I don't there's no filter back then with men they was like Archie Bunker that. That's kind of like how I describe my dad in a way. I mean he had a big heart loved everyone if you weren't a jerk. But he told Lotsa him and his friend, there's lots of off-color jokes that would probably not go over well today or be acceptable, but they've my uncle's and they do all sorts of stuff.

3:43 I heard Growing Up. So my immediate family and And just like a lot of kids then you go through school and you get kind of socialized by our culture, through institutions, like school with your peers and then marketing what you saw on TV. So it's really family peers and just what we see in our culture through TV radio movies coaches, my coaches growing up there all drill sergeants. I mean it was Yeah, run to your puke. Hmm. You know, don't be a sissy, all the things, the man box stuff that I've read about, I've experienced. And I've said those types of things myself, not even realizing why I was saying it, but it's because I heard it. So, I would say we, you know, my group of friends guys like that kind of stuff, it's all the time would be said, so that's a lot of where I got conditioned growing up. So at what point did you start seeing it as Meaning and maybe it wasn't something that that was bringing out the best in you, or whatever, whatever, whatever change your mind to look for something else.

4:53 Yeah, well until many many years later, like, when I started becoming more conscious and aware of my thoughts and and then starting to hear other people hear my thoughts and reflect them back to me. And I'm like, whoa, I said that. And so yeah, it took me a long time to kind of start to go below the neck and into my body and start recognizing and be more aware of how I was being in the world and how I was showing up and you know, it's been a good probably at least over 10 year process where I started Awakening like to how I was being. And my gosh, why do I keep repeating these things? Taking a good look at myself and honest look, which was not easy. What makes that not easy?

5:49 Work of looking at yourself? What makes that worth the effort to you? it's It's like like once it's like what if you fly first class like I can't, I can't fly coach anymore. I want to be in first class. It was something like that. Awakened of like now that the I peeked behind the curtain. It's like I can't go back to how I'm always being. I mean, yeah, I'm gonna slip up, but I got to do better. So this the sense of a feeling inside me and energetic thing of how I was feeling more authentic in myself, when I was Being more present, more honest, with myself. And with others, which I found to be a lot harder than I thought as I'm learning in this process. So, it just, it made me feel like I'm getting back to my center and then, once affect my eyes were open, it was like, I can't, I can't stay how I was or else. I'm just going to be stock.

6:49 So it's like evolve or die in a way on the inside. Do you find? Is it more challenging for you to be honest with yourself, or with others? Or is it the same who You know, I think at first I would have said, oh, it's so much harder being honest with others, but it's easier to be honest. Yeah, it's hot. It's easier to be honest with others but when it comes to myself, I've come to realize. I'm not so honest with myself. The things I learned from you. No more mr. Nice guy. I think I night of like my covert contracts that I was doing.

7:33 I never once I read that I was like, oh my god, I've been doing that for so long manipulating and like that's not being honest and Yes. With I've been discovering a lot of things from not honest with myself, and it comes from a lot of my shame and fear and anxiety, and not good enough. So yeah, I find it a lot harder. I'm being really honest with myself. Like truly honest and open. yeah, during your Awakening and your introspection and being honest with yourself, While going through that process and like right now, in this moment, what are some of your best skills, like, what can you recognize in yourself?

8:20 Humility is one of I've always had, I've never been a braggart or a poster of always been very humble. And I've always kind of Led by example like doing. So I was one of the people I just do put my head down and like by action. So yeah, humility never always and sometimes it could be a bad thing like you know, good thing can also have the Achilles heel so I need more of the hey yeah I am good or I am good enough hear me. As opposed to kind of standing back on the sidelines, so to speak. So humility is one and my humor but I also recognize my humorous was also, sometimes a defense mechanism when I didn't want to deal with something.

9:08 So I use humor to deflect. but I've always had that, you know, me and my friends like humor has always been a big thing of us just You know, laughter is definitely when you have that big belly laugh. You're being authentic, you're being you. So I love. Good laughter. I love laughing and I'll make it people laugh. And I think my deep inner Drive of just to kind of somehow figure out a way to keep going, I guess that's called resilience and even though I can say, oh, I haven't been doing certain things but I I'm a stubborn SOB sometimes, so I and I see that my daughter.

9:53 So I think having that that like okay somehow going to figure out a way and maybe it's not like life is never a straight line trajectory with any development, it's always twists and turns and Detours. But I do feel, I have that in me that those things, those three things that have kind of helped me, my tools inner tools and for prior conversations and group calls with you. I know that being a good husband and a good father. A both really important to you. Yeah. How do you know that you're being a good father and husband, huh?

10:39 I so know. When I'm out of integrity. Ready with myself. And I feel it like a vibration. I I know when I'm wrong, I know when I've reacted, and my wife can say something to me and I'll get defensive and then I'll walk away. And I cool down and I'm like, uh, she's so right? Like, oh, I hate hearing the truth sometimes and and I just kind of talked it through with myself. I'm like, yeah, I can I could have responded in a much Much different way as opposed to reacting. Yeah, I just know it. I know it when I'm not an Integrity or and I'm not being honest. It's I've started to recognize that myself of how I feel feel closed off.

11:26 I feel it, my chest and the back of my neck. Yeah, it's a feeling definitely and as have you always been attuned to that feeling. Or is it taking like practical? Like oh, wait. That that feeling is telling me something. I feel I've always had pretty good intuition. and it's I've never been fully present to it. On a consistent basis especially at a younger age. But I always felt like I was a pretty good judgment of people like thin slice, like, right away. And I'm like, okay, my being a little bit too quick to judge, okay, let me sit back and let you up.

12:08 So, I always felt like I've had that my mom was very intuitive, so, but it's taking me along, like, as I've gotten older to lean into it more. And listen to it more. Yeah. I see in a lot of men that I meet in mkp in the mankind project that being of service, in some way is important to them is service important to you. And if so why Yeah, yeah. I mean I've been a trainer for over 20 years and that service and trying to help people. Currently I've been working with a stroke patient and it's been very rewarding for me because the first time I work with one stroke patient and it scared the heck out of me at first, I'm like, oh my god, I've never heard them but like, wait a second, are a person, a human, do what, you know, and what you don't know, find out. So yeah, and but I, I've always wanted to like, As I've gotten older to think about like what is that want to do? And how I want to help?

13:12 It's always been more in that service mode. How can I help young kids and performance and Youth Development physical literacy? How can I not be of service to young men and adult men, to who to be a mentor? Because I wish I had somebody when I was a teenager. Make me aware of my thinking and and to think bigger, I think differently. It has possibilities. And kind of be that person that would give me a healthy kick in the butt when I needed it. But also like helped me, learn and grow and stretch myself more and believe in myself more.

13:52 So I'm like I want to be that person that I never had growing up that, you know, my friends were my bond. My parents, I love them. But I didn't. They weren't like Yeah, I didn't have a lot of healthy emotionally present Role Models growing up great. You know, lots of Great Men funny and if but not ones that I could sit and talk to her, they would sit and talk to me in a real authentic way. So you mentioned that you could sometimes use humor to deflect. Yeah, it looking back. Is that kind of how humor was used by your dad and your uncle's? There are a lot of big personalities, so they I mean they just use her because they like to humor and they were they were a lot who are very funny, but I do think I'll speak. Like my dad was not a person who talked about his emotions. It was to speed silence or rager, anger rage. And he could never like my dad was there. The person that sit me on his lap or sit down to me and give me a big hug and say, Anthony, I love you so much. I'm so proud of you.

15:10 He did it through acts of service because he didn't know how to emotionally. Do all these things because I know in this is where I've come to learn. Where I've had more compassion, is that he didn't have this growing up and and so, of course, he was this way. He was doing the best that he could. And, and I've still, I saw the wonderful things that my parents did and I have this picture right here that I hold of my they look like movie stars. This is like back in the 60s and I'm so thankful because my dad didn't have a choice growing up and my parents made a lot of sacrifices so that me and my sisters could have choices to do what we want, be who we want to be and for that, I'm so ever grateful for And I'm trying to really recognize more of that with my history as opposed to being a victim of it. It's part of my story but it doesn't Define me all right. Cool.

16:12 Yeah, yeah. That that's an important point to get to for anyone to realize that you're more than your past you and you more than your present. Everything is temporary circumstances and your choice is what you do with them and about them. Yeah, and I'm finally coming around to that. It's taken a long time to get there but I'm just grateful. I feel that I am and this path. Yeah, so you mentioned that your dad was never one to put you on his lap and say that he was proud of you. So now with your years of introspection and even hindsight or recognizing you want more than this box of masculinity the old man box? What are you proud of? I'm proud of being open to this.

17:00 kind of scary confusing process of reconnecting with my center with my that Golden Ball, as I read about and iron-jawed. And when I cuz when I look at my daughter and you look and I look a little kids play, they all have it. And then we spend the rest of our lives, trying to get that Golden Ball back. So I'm proud of myself for for going through that process and not ignore you because I could easily just continue down the path that I've been on which is just Denial, like too scared to deal with it so I'm going to do other things too. Repress, these things, drugs alcohol, all sorts of things we can even act.

17:50 And you know, I even come to realize, you know, realize with exercise which always loved the like, well, it could be a bad side of that to if I'm doing it to escape. So I'm proud that I've gotten to this point. To ReDiscover myself and become really truly, who I am now and moving forward. I'm really proud of that like because there's so much more I feel What's one thing that you wish more men new, hmm? That's a good question.

18:35 I wish more men knew that that people like you people like, MK people like me are out there and that they don't have to keep wearing their masks. It can shed their mass and still be masculine and be everything that their partner, their spouse, whoever wants them to be Yeah, just wish more men knew. About. How they can be a more authentic and more real just permission to be yourself permission. Yeah. Permission yet. Yeah. Yeah. None of this. Just brag it.

19:16 Do you know all this? Yeah it's so tiring. Is there a particular you mentioned? No more mr. Nice guy. Ready? Is there a particular habit book or practice that you would like to recommend that if this helped you a lot? Gosh, it's been a lot of books. I mean I've I think for any Father out there who has a son or Sons? The Wonder of boys. It's a great one. I forget the author's name.

19:56 But I it's It Was Written in the in the mid or late 90s but it's everything in there is very pertinent. I think he had no more mr. Nice. Guys, when I just recently read is one iron, John is good, but I don't know if some mint Night hits. You got to really It's a lot of there's a lot in there so I thought that was a great book, though. It like the way it crystallized, some things. And I had to read certain passages a couple times to really absorb what we was saying and the metaphor metaphors that he was using I'm just trying to think is there another book, gosh? I wish I had, I wish I had you guys. I wish I had books of work was like, yeah. And I think the book do hard things that by Steven Magnus. I think it's a really good book on on resilience and toughness and what that really means and how because I grew up with this, we've got it wrong over the years of this, you know, drill sergeant, you know, again it's the man box thinking got to solve it on my My own, do it on my own and gotta go hard, gotta get through it and that's just not it. We've gotten it wrong, all these years and that book, you know, dispels, all those myths.

21:28 The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle. I thought was a great book to many years ago and he's got another book that he it's similar to the Talent Code as to do with groups of people. Anything by Daniel, Coyle is good. So yeah, those are somebody off the top of my head recommendations. Awesome. Is there a man besides your dad or Uncle's that had a big impact on you? Growing up.

22:08 I mean, I different people, I looked up to, but they weren't that. Kind of sad to say I mean I really there's not one that flies off the tip of my tongue. Like yeah this this guy this person really opened my eyes. I had lots of different men over the years, teach me things but interestingly enough and again I they disappointed me. But I've come to realize they were human, like they were, because I put them on a pedestal. And and once I found that out, I was like oh they're full of BS and I didn't look at like know you learned a lot from them and they're human they have their warts, they have their stuff like so. That was part of my challenge that I've recognized that I had meant a lot that I looked up to at the time, but then they disappointed me and then I kind of brushed them off. Was the disappointment, were they not acting in accordance with what they were telling you or was it? You you just decided that whatever they were telling you and that you change your mind that it was beneficial or like what was the disappointment in things that? Yeah, I like I like a football coach that I looked up to And I just felt like in the middle of a practice the way he grabbed me and shook my helmet front of everybody. It just It.

23:41 It was embarrassing and and, and I was someone who worked my tail off and and I was really po2. I'm like, why would he do that to me in front of all the guys because I got nothing but shit from that a milkshake and so yeah, it kind of, let me down about him and then I had another, you know, gentleman and post college roommate of mine. His father, he hired me. And again because I saw them not an Integrity because it's like they weren't leading by example and so I got dislike disillusion disappointed. And I started getting this like, I can't trust men because they always disappoint.

24:27 Yes, especially with the football coach sound like, like breaking trust. Like I can while you can for this new like, wait, no, you're calling me. Like, you're physically assaulted me at at, at a level and also embarrassing me. And, and not knowing the reason, or what was the benefit of that or? Yeah. It was someone who I really looked up to, and I know he was hard and I didn't mind that, like, I don't mind being pushed, but, you know, being embarrassed like that. Physically is yeah, just broke that trust and And and I just found, yeah. Over the years I would find men. I'd look up to and I'd learned something from but then they would just They weren't integrity and I recognize that and it just I got disappointed but I realized I can't put people on pedestals.

25:14 It's like how we put athletes and all these people on pedestals and like well you know and then you maybe meet him and I got what a jerk all these years like was I doing? No, you have to realize that people are human and they're all going through their stuff or they don't know, you know? So I have more compassion now for the people that I kind of brushed aside and realize that hey, I still got something out of it that was rewarding. But yeah, I so but I just never had that person that stuck with me. Who I could go back to and sit down with and have a cup of coffee and I've all Lucky and now you got your own kid and, you know, like it's just Yeah. It's really I find it kind of sad that I don't have that person.

26:04 I have my group of friends that I've known since grade school. Better. They were kind of like that for me like they were my tribe my men that I looked up to I look up to all of them you know they're all my age and all over the place now. So and are you still in touch? Are you still a tight circle of friends? Yeah, even though we you know, I only have one friend who lives close by and then everyone else it's like Zurich Breckenridge, Jacksonville, North Carolina, Align you know California all over the place scattered Texas. So we still all you know keep in close touch and we pockets of us.

26:50 See one, another one we can. So yeah, they've always been like my tribe and it seems to me. Tell me what you think that this the pattern of being disappointed in men and and realizing that that you can't trust them. Is that is that what's driving you to? To be better and to want to be that person that you didn't have for others. I think I wasn't. Yeah, it that was underneath the surface and then it's come through. Yes, it's exactly that. I want to be That person, I didn't have, I want to be a better person, a better human, a better man to myself. So that once I get my, you know, get my room in order and then I can move out from there and help others it has a domino effect, you know, in my family, my friends and the people I work with it's it's nice to have people say oh you have a different energy.

27:53 Yeah it's like It's cool to get that acknowledgement because do all this introspective work and something like, how am I doing too much of this? Is it like like anything is it is it too much of like my taking myself, too serious and knife to stops. Okay, I can I can still be serious about this but not take myself too seriously, but I'm always trying to recognize that, there's always too much of anything that I have to be aware of. Yeah. So, with all the work that you're doing on on yourself, connecting with other men, what are you looking forward to? I'm looking forward to.

28:39 Stepping into the man. I know I can be and that could be someone who could be more of a leader stepping into my like true warrior king magician roles and lover. The that you have right there back to you in understanding them. But like in their true highest selves, I'm looking forward to that process of pushing myself of I've wanted to be that mentor to other men and young adults and what what's going to become of all that. So I'm Here, I'm excited about that. The this process, which I, there's no end goal, but I'm going to keep following the breadcrumbs.

29:25 Good guy was a task. That was there some sort of end state of the perfect man? That was your goal or do you just realize it's this always unfolding thing. Yes, because there's never the to-do list, they'll never get done and life and, you know, it's this work will never get done. So it's how I'm going to try and always come with a beginner. His mind and how much can I keep learning and growing and evolving and challenging? What I thought maybe was true in myself or something and say maybe it's not maybe there is another way. And for me it's a big thing for me is doing more listening and less talking in this process. I appreciate sharing so much of you and your journey is there anything else you want to share?

30:12 Imagine there's a man that's you know, he's unhappy There's no tree wants to do. I've heard this is hard work. I don't know if I want to do this. Do I want to know? What, what do you want to share with that guy? I would say to this, man because I've seen it now past many years in front of other men. It's like, you're not alone, you're not alone out there, whatever it is. You're feeling down. Not worthy. They're going through a tough divorce job. Like you feel lost disillusion angry. It's like know that there are other men out there going through that that can help shoulder that burden and help. Carry you and lift you up that it's out there. If you just give yourself an opportunity to just be open to it, be open to listening to other men, be open to whatever whether it be a pastor, a friend, a group like like mkp or something else, where you can be yourself, be open to it because I know I hear a lot of men say, yeah, my wife, you know, it's like kind of an ultimatum in a way like, you know, you gotta do this and and they're so thankful that they did and then so are their wives.

31:33 It's like a win-win Because it really is no matter what even if, if the marriage Goes to Hell and the job does to, you can still pick up the pieces and recreate yourself and start all over. And I know that sounds easy. I just do that like Because life is hard being human. This human condition that we're in experiencing, it's not easy, it's hard enough Being Human and then over the other stuff that gets we throw on ourselves and then everything else that gets piled on. It's no wonder why there's so much anger and fear out there. It's palpable sometimes.

32:17 Yeah, so that's what I would say is you're not alone. Indeed, Anthony. What's the best way for someone to get in touch with you to learn more about what you're up to? They can easily go to my website. Just my name, Anthony Sky re.com, awesome and a sky re coach at gmail.com Thanks again, for, for joining me willing to come on and share yourself. And I know it's not easy to serve yourself up on a plate to the world, but I do believe. It always brings value and can we talk about service? And I think any man being open and honest is a service to everybody.

33:00 So thank you again. Thank you, Andy for having me and having this platform and everything you're doing to of being serviced. So I feel like what you're doing is hugely important, so, Awesome. Thank you. Thanks for listening wherever you're discovering real men, feel, please give a like, share, comment, share of the somebody else and visit real men, feel that Org the blog posting for this show will have links to all the books mentioned. All the resources talked about and if you own a reach out to me, real men, feel at gmail.com, always glad to hear from you. And if you want to explore, making this year, the best year of your life so far, book a Clarity call with me. And that's, that's not a podcast has just a conversation with us in private.

33:42 It D and E, Grant.com, talk. Until next time be good to yourself.