Regular Guy Chat with Ken | Leaning Into Fear

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Greetings and welcome to real
men.

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Feel I'm your host, Andy Grant,
I'm an author coach healer and

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other things like ever, think
of.

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So if you want to find out what
those are, the things that are

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visit, the Andy grant.com, real
men feel is here to remind, man,

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that they human beings and have
the right.

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The need the desire to express
those emotions.

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One of those emotions is fear.
Men are often told isn't good to

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fear things, but you can't be
courageous or Brave without

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recognizing fear first and I And
time and time again, when I

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walked boldly into my fear, when
I do the things that I'm really

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afraid of magical things happen.
Recently, I put out the call in

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our private real men.
Feel Facebook group for anyone

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interested in doing a regular
guy chat.

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That means no agenda.
Nothing to sell.

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Promote is just a regular dude,
who has something to share.

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And I said, if you're interested
by terrified, that's a great

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sign to say, yes.
My guest today, husband father

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brother retired, IT professional
and present-day, Wellness

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Warrior can McKean said yes.
And I am terrified.

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So, welcome to the show.
I'm glad to have you here on

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real Midfield.
Can thank you so much and you

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for having me and I'm still
terrified, but I, this is I hear

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this is part of progress and
growth.

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So here we go.
Awesome, so, that's it.

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So what made you say?
Yes, what?

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Why didn't just go?
That sounds scary, I'm not doing

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that.
Like what?

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Got the yes out of you?
I think it's kind of like you

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said, leaning into the fear a
little bit as I'm in my trauma

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recovery.
I found that there's a lot of

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growth there in the years past.
I would always just be running

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away and hiding from this fear
and things that scared me.

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But now I pay a little more
attention and try to poke out a

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little more.
So, and Are there specific fears

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that rise up?
Or is it just a generalized?

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Terror.
Yeah.

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There's so there's a lot of
shame in my background.

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So it's hard to, you know, get
past that and really share

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authentically without without
Being nervous or whatever.

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Well as someone who speaks about
my own shame and experience I'm

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always nervous and I think if
that ever went away it wouldn't

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be authentic it.
Be this just pre rehearse thing

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now.
So if I'm not feeling it, it's

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almost like I'm faking it.
So yeah, I think I find it those

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nerves especially when it comes
to someone being authentic and

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vulnerable.
Those nerves.

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Tell you that.
Yeah, you're welcome.

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Trail man, you're doing right,
where you're right.

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Where you should be Ken.
In my past, it hasn't been safe

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to do that, you know.
So that's why I've learned, you

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know, from very young age to not
feel, you know.

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So you mentioned trauma,
recovery.

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You mentioned, you know, from a
young age.

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So tell us a little bit about
about your story.

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What was life?
Like I'm the youngest of six

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children.
So I'm the baby and my next.

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Oldest brother is five and a
half years older than me and the

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rest of them and much.
Older than than him.

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So from the very beginning, I
was kind of told that I was kind

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of a mistake and many other
things by by both my parents and

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my siblings and early on.
I was given a feminist, a

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feminine nickname.
So I was kind of the old.

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My older sisters wanted me to be
a girl, so so they could have an

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even three and and so from when
I was born, you know, they kind

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of wished, I was a girl and, you
know, Shamed me that way, you

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know, and we're all kids.
Yeah, I'm not sure that, you

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know, they knew what was going
on.

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They have they'll have their own
issues, but I found out about

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three or four years ago.
I got sober.

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I stopped, I've stopped
drinking, and I started

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addressing some of these things,
and, and she's so many.

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So many traumatic experiences
started coming.

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To me, it was really incredibly
overwhelming, and it wasn't just

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my family.
I, because of my family

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upbringing, I was extremely
vulnerable and completely

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abandoned.
So I was taken advantage of by a

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lot of other people, bullies and
everything.

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And So, but our mind, it was
just locked away somewhere that

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I really, you know, I didn't
have touch with it for many

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many, many years.
And, you know, covered up with

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alcohol.
And but as I started to, you

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know, again, stop drinking and
start to feel better, you know,

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just things come flooding back
to me, you know?

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So that's been difficult.
So, as a child, were you

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conscious of Of the treatment
and feeling the shame then, or

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is it, is it something that
built unconsciously?

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I think I felt it that I felt it
in my body and just as a young

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child just, you know, my
reaction was just survival,

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really?
I don't know that I felt this so

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strong when I was young but you
know as I as these things

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started coming back to me, you
know I can see Vivid scenes that

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that have been corroborated by
other people.

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Yeah, that I forgot all about.
And how young were you when you

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turn to alcohol for some relief?
I think the first time I drank

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was I was 12.
And then my parents got divorced

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at 13 and really neither one of
my parents wanted me even then

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it was weird.
It was a strange situation where

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the court.
Let me decide who to live with

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and normally that wasn't how it
went.

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And, you know, neither one of
them was stepping up for me.

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So, you know, I made a choice.
The rest of my family thought

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the choice was kind of selfish.
So I stayed with my dad but my

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dad traveled, a lot of work.
So I was really by myself, you

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know, going to make my own
meals, do my own laundry and

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going to school myself when I
was about 13, did that drive the

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choice knowing that you'd be
alone a lot?

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No, I think my brother and
sister started again, I was

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being selfish in that way that I
was going to be alone and just

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do whatever I wanted to.
But my mom was moving into a

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trailer park and I just I didn't
want to grow up in a trailer

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park.
And I didn't want my teenage

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years to be in a trailer park,
and I guess was the most of it

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and she was bipolar and an
alcoholic.

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So you know.
It wasn't a, you know, it wasn't

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a scene that I wanted to go to
that.

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Won't you stay in the house that
I grew up in?

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Did your parents treat your
brothers and sisters differently

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or were they were they kind of
cold and aloof?

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Did they not care for any
children or is it just after

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those day?
It was just kind of you feeling

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that way.
That's a good question.

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I think the mental illness went
on untreated for many years,

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they are so much older than me.
That they have kind of a

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different upbringing than I do,
and I mean, we're really

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literally dip in Generations,
you know?

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no, it's hard for me to say what
kind of what their upbringing

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was like, but I think there was
There was a lot of suffering

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going on there for them as well.
And did you have any sort of

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reconciliation as an adult with
any of your siblings?

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Did you end up getting closer at
all?

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I'm actually in a tough spot
with that.

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Now I had to like last year, I
had to write them all letter

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and, and, you know, a lot of
people, there's a lot of advice

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out there to write a letter and
you don't need to send it or

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anything, but I just felt like,
you know, each one of us is

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getting closer to death every
single minute, so I hit send and

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so I let them know how the abuse
and the abandonment and the

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shame has affected me.
And I told him that I really

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can't see.
You buddy, family-related?

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And yeah.
And then, that was last

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September, and then a couple
months later, I found out.

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My son was getting married, so I
had to invite.

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We had to invite on my family,
after I just had told them all

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of that.
So so yeah, the reconciliations

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in progress.
If you decided how everybody

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lived, would you like to be in
relationship with them or would

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you rather just be not seeing
anybody?

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The trauma and the injury feels
like, I just want to isolate all

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the time, you know?
So that's really where I go

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right away.
Always in fact, I have kind of

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this complex, PTSD thing and and
when I when I touch base with

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you, I was still in the midst of
it.

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You know, I just had a real
trigger that I was.

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I've been down for about four or
five days just really kind of

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catatonic but I do know.
Now what's going on there was

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some years that I was To get all
the time.

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I didn't know what's going on.
So I'm sorry.

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What was your question, Andy
about?

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If you got to decide, would you
rather have a relationship with

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your siblings?
Have a Reconciliation or just be

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alone and not not ever deal with
them?

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I would, I would want to
reconciliation with them for

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sure.
I think the Solitude and

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isolation and loneliness is not
a good place for me to be.

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Yeah, it's not a good place for
any human beings.

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Oh yeah, yeah, that's so yeah
just give you full you know, you

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know, permission and that that's
a human need.

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So it's the think that there's
something wrong because you

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don't like being alone like,
yeah, please, no one should do

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that to themselves.
So, so it sounds like the your

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healing really started fairly
recently.

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About six years ago.
I got to know you.

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I my third Lui.
You know, Massachusetts is not

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too friendly with these things.
My other 20 you eyes were 30

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years ago and they were still
going to use that against me.

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Yeah.
So I went through hell.

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In the most recent 12 year long
Court battle and it turned out

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okay.
But so that was my most recent

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I'm the Jesus moment, I guess.
So through College and Career

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and as an adult was alcohol,
kind of the the main crutch for

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your survival.
Or I like, how else did you deal

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with with, with the the shame
and, and the trauma and the PTSD

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that you've talked about?
Yeah.

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Yeah, mostly alcohol.
Yeah it's so It's so ubiquitous,

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you know, it's so normal, you
know, to, you know, drink and

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watch the game or whatever.
So yeah, it was, I drank every

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day and we you consciously like
I've got an, um, how bad I feel?

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Or was it just again to just
feel like, Society, just feel

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normal?
It felt normal.

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But many days, it was like, I
can't wait to get to that one

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to, You Know, cover up these
feelings.

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Yeah, it did.
So with your sisters, wanting to

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feminize you more, but you still
growing up with that masculine

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role of like, oh, I can't have
these feelings, these aren't

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good.
So you got was there just this

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mixed message of Yes, Express
how you feel, tell people what's

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going on and but most of it was,
you know, shut up Ken.

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Yeah it could question know
those.

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Most of it is you know, there's
no room for emotion and if

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family is six kids, you know we
were told I'll give you

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something to cry about, you know
what I mean, emailed a little

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child, you know, hearing that,
you know.

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So we would definitely talk to,
you know, suck it up.

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So you have a son, you have more
than the your one son.

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Yes, we have two sons, but do
you find yourself passing on

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that same message or we wherever
and try to change it?

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Like, how did it?
How was it being a father?

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Oh yeah, I thought about that
constantly.

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When we first found out we were
pregnant, you know?

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I didn't have good Role Models
so like I was afraid but I knew

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so many things not to do.
So that was my starting point

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and from there I'm kind of a
researcher and a learner.

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So I do a lot of that in many
different Realms.

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So I just started researching
about good parenting skills, and

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things like that.
It really provided a safe home

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for them, you know, I'm sure I
am sure that I pass certain

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things down, but I try my best
to do the best I can.

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Yeah.
And that's all any of us can do.

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And ideally our expectations of
each other are just people do

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the best they can.
And and with our own growth we

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discovered that the best we can
do.

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The best others can do changes
over time, right?

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00:14:10,700 --> 00:14:12,200
We have not even good days.
Bad days.

225
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,100
We have good moments and bad
moments.

226
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,600
When we're communicative, when
were supportive and other times,

227
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,000
when we're shut down, were angry
were triggered.

228
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:22,600
So, but yeah.
I it's so I do.

229
00:14:22,900 --> 00:14:27,300
I'm glad That you don't think
anything was done by your you

230
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:31,700
know, your family and upbringing
intentionally to harm you right?

231
00:14:33,300 --> 00:14:35,600
Oh yeah I know I'm sure
everybody was going through.

232
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Just incredible suffering in
their own way.

233
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Yeah if not for the OU, I Do you
think it would have changed

234
00:14:43,900 --> 00:14:50,400
anything?
Probably not.

235
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:58,600
I after I got through the court
and everything I quit, my job, I

236
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had was with the company for 38
years so I would probably still

237
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:09,300
be in that miserable stressful
situation and yeah, things would

238
00:15:09,300 --> 00:15:12,600
probably be worse.
Okay, so you quit a job that you

239
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,800
didn't like it all to begin with
the sounds like that.

240
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:16,300
Yes, it wasn't.
All right.

241
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:21,900
So it was and so was quitting
part of your conscious choosing

242
00:15:21,900 --> 00:15:25,200
to start improving.
Changing life or was with it, I

243
00:15:25,200 --> 00:15:29,300
just into court issues.
No, it was to improve my life.

244
00:15:31,100 --> 00:15:36,100
You know, I often go back to the
addition by subtraction Rule and

245
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:39,200
I started taking things out of
my life, that just weren't

246
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,300
working for me, and,
unfortunately, that was my

247
00:15:41,300 --> 00:15:46,100
career.
But you know, I got so much

248
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:51,900
better by doing this, whether it
was alcohol medicines, you know,

249
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the medical Field is just
killing us.

250
00:15:56,700 --> 00:15:59,900
So medicine food, I changed,
what?

251
00:15:59,900 --> 00:16:05,900
I eat, totally lost 60 pounds,
you know, I walk every day.

252
00:16:05,900 --> 00:16:09,100
So I just, you know, but little
by little again, it was just

253
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:12,300
taking things out of my life.
That would just making me just

254
00:16:12,300 --> 00:16:15,500
out of balance.
Can you tell me a little bit

255
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:19,500
about the man that had the biz
biggest impact on your life?

256
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:28,300
Goof.
It was probably my grandfather,

257
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:41,600
my dad's dad and He was a he was
a calm gentle guy.

258
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:46,900
So he was he was my He's my
island in the middle of the

259
00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:52,800
chaos, you know?
And He died when I was probably

260
00:16:52,900 --> 00:16:56,300
maybe 12 years old, maybe maybe
11:00 so you know.

261
00:16:57,900 --> 00:17:03,300
Way too soon for me.
So he had a big impact because

262
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:07,500
he was just loving and kind, you
know, what you what you need as

263
00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:10,599
a, as a young kid.
So at least showed you at least

264
00:17:10,599 --> 00:17:13,599
had an example of what was
possible for an adult in your

265
00:17:13,599 --> 00:17:14,300
life.
Yeah.

266
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:19,200
Ken does anything stand out as
something?

267
00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:26,099
You're you're proud of Yeah, I'm
totally proud of my mighty

268
00:17:26,099 --> 00:17:32,300
songs.
They are incredible people and

269
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:34,900
I'm not just saying that because
I'm their dad, you know.

270
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:38,800
I hear that I've heard from so
many people and that, you know,

271
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:41,400
I heard you recently say how
hard it is to take compliments

272
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:46,700
and and, and I think about that
a lot because, you know, we do

273
00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:50,500
get compliments about our kids
often and it's hard.

274
00:17:50,700 --> 00:17:52,900
It's hard to take because we
kind of sometimes.

275
00:17:52,900 --> 00:17:55,200
I take it for granted, but, you
know, we've worked hard on

276
00:17:55,200 --> 00:18:00,300
everything, that where we are
now So I'm totally proud of what

277
00:18:00,300 --> 00:18:02,300
they've done.
They both Mill to move to

278
00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:05,600
California.
Got incredible jobs in Silicon

279
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:13,500
Valley and you know, and many
other things accolades the as

280
00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:17,700
you get better at receiving
praise for your Offspring.

281
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:23,200
Can you take any ownership of
helping to create the the great

282
00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,500
men that they are?
It's very hard for me to do.

283
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:32,000
I just can't I didn't fuck him
up too bad.

284
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:37,100
I guess is where I go, you know.
So yeah I know that's that's

285
00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:40,900
difficult because I want them,
you know, they've done a lot of

286
00:18:40,900 --> 00:18:44,300
the lot of the hard work for
themselves.

287
00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:48,000
So even when I say I'm proud of
my kids, I feel like that's kind

288
00:18:48,000 --> 00:18:50,100
of selfish.
It's like reflecting on me.

289
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:53,000
That you know, look at me.
I'm I'm proud.

290
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:57,000
But like really, it's, you know,
they've done a lot of the work

291
00:18:58,200 --> 00:18:59,800
so they should be proud of
themselves.

292
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:04,600
Is what I Let's say, you know,
but and have you asked them what

293
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:07,200
do they respond?
I haven't asked them if they're

294
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:11,800
proud of themselves.
I think being selfish gets a

295
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:17,300
really bad rap and its really
twisted because Can, if you can

296
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:21,700
feel proud of people in your
life of children of a job of

297
00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:24,800
things, you've done of all these
kind of intangibles, that's

298
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,600
modeling to your kids that they
could be proud of themselves.

299
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,200
So if everybody is so cuz I know
I'm selfish, I don't wanna be

300
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:34,100
about me, then people grow up.
Oh, nothing's about me it.

301
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:38,600
I find that it our fear or the
excuse of saying, I don't be

302
00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:44,200
selfish is another way to deny
our worth in our value and stop

303
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,800
loving yourself.
Yeah.

304
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:53,400
So be proud as hell own.
That shit ain't right, you know,

305
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:57,000
you're right, I was kind of
taught not to be selfish, you

306
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,700
know, especially in a family of
eight, you know, you know,

307
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:05,400
there's no room for that kind of
any, any selfishness, but

308
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:09,200
really, you know, the last few
years, it's all about putting my

309
00:20:09,200 --> 00:20:13,000
own oxygen mask on first, you
know, and I mean being a better

310
00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:17,300
version of myself every day and
every week so that I can, you

311
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:20,700
know, help.
Better help other people like

312
00:20:20,700 --> 00:20:23,800
choices for your survival
choices for your growth for your

313
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:26,900
joy in life.
I don't believe any of those are

314
00:20:26,908 --> 00:20:29,400
selfish.
Choices that the selfishness

315
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:32,500
that is - is from the
competitive side.

316
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:33,500
Like I'm going to take that
from.

317
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,100
You don't know.
You can't have but no like

318
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:38,400
feeling happy feeling proud like
that.

319
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,800
There's not some finite supply
of that.

320
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:43,500
You can't use it up for like
your family didn't get like

321
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:47,100
here's your five pounds of Pride
and divvied up amongst the eight

322
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,900
of you.
Yeah, like that.

323
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:53,200
That'd be a, I'd be a, you know,
for whatever laments we have

324
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,000
about this world like that.
Be even a worse one.

325
00:20:55,200 --> 00:21:01,700
If yeah if our emotions Were
Somehow finite and limited and

326
00:21:01,700 --> 00:21:04,800
had to be parceled out and
decide like always, this is this

327
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,400
really the best day I should be
happy?

328
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:10,000
Or do should I have save that?
Unfortunately, too many men live

329
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,900
like that.
Like we're not allowed to feel

330
00:21:11,900 --> 00:21:15,300
like I meet so many guys that,
you know, anger is it?

331
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:19,400
And it's all the didn't I?
But people, some guys can't even

332
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:24,100
let themselves be happy.
It's like angry and okay.

333
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:26,100
Like, that's the peak.
Yeah.

334
00:21:26,100 --> 00:21:28,200
And there's so much more to all
of us.

335
00:21:30,300 --> 00:21:33,600
I was constantly triggered.
You know, about G talk about

336
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:37,400
anger, like I could barely go
out in society.

337
00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:41,000
She, you know, just pissed it.
Everybody all the time.

338
00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:47,700
So I'm glad to, you know, just
have certain trigger moments and

339
00:21:47,708 --> 00:21:50,000
not be just triggered all the
time, you know?

340
00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:55,400
so now when something triggers
you, if you find yourself angry

341
00:21:55,400 --> 00:22:00,300
at person to situation, whatever
it might be, What do you think

342
00:22:00,300 --> 00:22:05,400
you're really angry about?
Yeah.

343
00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:10,400
Usually ends up coming down to
not being loved and I'm

344
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:15,300
worthiness, you know, really
complete vast emptiness inside.

345
00:22:15,900 --> 00:22:20,900
That's usually what it comes
down to, in abandonment, feel

346
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:25,100
fear of Abandonment, that that's
usually that what's behind

347
00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:29,800
everything.
But, you know, if Years ago, I

348
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,900
wouldn't even be thinking about
a processing these things, but,

349
00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:36,700
you know, as they come to be
now, like, why is that emotion

350
00:22:36,700 --> 00:22:39,600
so strong?
So I always tried, I often try

351
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:44,400
to analyze a little, but
sometimes it takes a few days.

352
00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:48,200
Let's play again.
There's no limitation to the

353
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:51,700
emotions and there's no, you
know, there's no time clock.

354
00:22:51,700 --> 00:22:52,900
You do you know, run out of
time.

355
00:22:52,900 --> 00:22:56,100
There's not a period or a game.
That that says how long it can

356
00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:59,600
take you to process something
and Figure out what the root.

357
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:01,800
What is the root cause and why
am I feeling this way?

358
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,000
And what can I do to change it?
If it shows up again in the

359
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:07,000
future?
I mean, that's that's, that's

360
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:10,300
life.
Is there anything that you were

361
00:23:10,300 --> 00:23:12,300
since we talked about pride?
Is there anything you're looking

362
00:23:12,300 --> 00:23:16,800
forward to?
I am looking forward to that

363
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:25,300
mankind weekend coming up again.
Absolutely terrified but I've

364
00:23:25,300 --> 00:23:29,900
learned.
That oftentimes, it's just this

365
00:23:29,900 --> 00:23:32,700
growth, incredible, personal
growth on the other side of

366
00:23:32,700 --> 00:23:37,900
that.
So I try to pick my things and

367
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,300
kind of work through them.
So I am looking forward to that.

368
00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:44,300
And when you think about, like,
I've said that that line too.

369
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:49,600
But where else could tremendous
personal growth be, except on

370
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,500
the other side of what we're
freakin over.

371
00:23:51,500 --> 00:23:53,400
What's trigger?
Us was upsetting us like, right?

372
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:57,200
It's it's not, you know, again,
you can't just like mail order.

373
00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:02,900
It It's, there's plenty of it
but it takes your conscious

374
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:06,200
effort and, and usually, a
conscious effort to do something

375
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:09,900
new.
Now as I feel like there's a lot

376
00:24:09,900 --> 00:24:13,600
of things here but the does
anything stand out as something

377
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,300
that you really wish you had
learned at a younger age.

378
00:24:19,300 --> 00:24:26,600
Yeah, there's a lot.
I think.

379
00:24:28,700 --> 00:24:38,600
You know, self-love and
worthiness would be one. and, I

380
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:41,200
don't know.
It's a big one.

381
00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:46,000
That's that's yeah you really
that you're worth it.

382
00:24:46,200 --> 00:24:50,500
And really nobody else is in
charge of that Andy, you know

383
00:24:50,500 --> 00:24:52,000
what I mean?
You're in charge of that, you

384
00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:56,000
know, you can be treated like
shit constantly but in the end,

385
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,500
the only one that's going to
pull you out.

386
00:24:57,500 --> 00:25:02,900
It is yourself.
So, you know, in some way, you

387
00:25:02,900 --> 00:25:04,500
know, you have to feel that
yourself.

388
00:25:04,500 --> 00:25:08,200
So I guess the biggest thing is
even in relationships.

389
00:25:08,300 --> 00:25:11,000
Can't rely on the other person
to make you feel happy.

390
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:15,600
You know what I mean everything
is inside of you so it's you so

391
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:18,100
that I feel like this comes back
to being selfish then

392
00:25:18,700 --> 00:25:21,000
everything's down to you.
So if you don't if you don't

393
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:24,100
think you're important you can't
accomplish any of these things

394
00:25:24,100 --> 00:25:26,100
that matter.
That's right.

395
00:25:26,200 --> 00:25:29,700
Yeah.
Can is there anything else you

396
00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:34,600
want to share with people today?
Um, I don't know.

397
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:39,900
We covered a lot of ground.
I think one thing that has

398
00:25:39,900 --> 00:25:41,900
helped in my relationship with
my wife.

399
00:25:41,900 --> 00:25:44,700
We've been, she's kind of my
junior, high school sweetheart.

400
00:25:45,700 --> 00:25:49,500
We've been together, 40,
something years, but one of the

401
00:25:49,500 --> 00:25:52,800
most recent things, well fairly
recent the last 10 years, maybe

402
00:25:52,800 --> 00:25:57,200
is in our house.
We have a one asshole at a time

403
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:01,900
rule.
So and its really helps and

404
00:26:01,900 --> 00:26:05,900
really what that's about is kind
of a craft title, but what it's

405
00:26:05,900 --> 00:26:08,800
about is when it has some of
these have Your bad day just to

406
00:26:08,900 --> 00:26:12,700
not compound that it's not the
time to pile on.

407
00:26:13,300 --> 00:26:17,500
It's the times you create space
and just let the person just

408
00:26:18,200 --> 00:26:23,800
throw up all the bullshit.
And so we've, we've had a lot of

409
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:28,100
growth that way and not not just
being so reactive to each other

410
00:26:28,100 --> 00:26:32,300
situation but just let the purse
have space and maybe if this

411
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:36,400
things you don't agree with you
can talk about it later but so I

412
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:40,000
guess in in General in any
conversation is just giving

413
00:26:40,300 --> 00:26:43,000
giving space.
A lot of people are just,

414
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:46,300
they're not listening to just
waiting to talk.

415
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:51,100
So I think we need more more
listening in the world.

416
00:26:51,700 --> 00:26:53,800
Cool.
I look I've not heard that term

417
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:55,300
of the one asshole at time
rules.

418
00:26:55,300 --> 00:26:57,600
So I uh, I really like that
saying that.

419
00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:01,700
So that's all I know every every
single person you could bump

420
00:27:01,700 --> 00:27:05,200
into again, has these nuggets
has these things that work has

421
00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:07,200
this turn of phrase, something
into it.

422
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:11,000
Ted, give that spark to someone
else, that definitely needs it.

423
00:27:11,500 --> 00:27:14,400
So it's really to sorry, it's
rubbing one reason.

424
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:16,300
I am terrified.
And one reason I wanted to do

425
00:27:16,300 --> 00:27:19,800
this for any, it would be a
disservice for me.

426
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:24,100
I feel right now to if there's
just one person that got

427
00:27:24,100 --> 00:27:27,100
anything out of our conversation
today, then it will be a

428
00:27:27,108 --> 00:27:29,900
disservice not for me to talk
talk about it.

429
00:27:29,900 --> 00:27:32,400
So that's why I'm going to be
start talking a little more,

430
00:27:32,900 --> 00:27:35,900
something a mint.
Alright, great so so what are

431
00:27:35,900 --> 00:27:40,000
some of the Ken's plans?
What what ways do you see or

432
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,400
wish to be talking more about
about being you?

433
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,600
I'm in development of like, some
kind of men's programs, you

434
00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:54,900
know?
I'm not sure where it's going to

435
00:27:54,900 --> 00:28:00,200
take me, but I would like to
create some digital products for

436
00:28:00,300 --> 00:28:04,700
to be accessed online to help
men survived really.

437
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:08,600
It covers a lot of different, a
lot of different topics.

438
00:28:08,800 --> 00:28:14,500
So I think getting more
involved, men's work is on my,

439
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,700
on my agenda.
Cool, and awesome.

440
00:28:17,700 --> 00:28:20,800
I mean, I want to point out that
You're already involvement.

441
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:25,400
Yeah, you're a man.
You working on yourself, you're

442
00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:28,500
being positively selfish.
So you were involved in men's

443
00:28:28,500 --> 00:28:33,600
work.
Cumin just for anyone wondering

444
00:28:34,500 --> 00:28:36,300
so Ken and I are both in
Massachusetts.

445
00:28:36,300 --> 00:28:40,300
But yesterday was the first time
I ever spoke and and you ask me

446
00:28:40,300 --> 00:28:41,800
some questions about the mankind
project.

447
00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:44,300
Now let you know that there was
the new Warrior training

448
00:28:44,300 --> 00:28:46,800
Adventure weekend was coming up
here in Massachusetts at the end

449
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:50,100
of this month and of October and
you signed up last night.

450
00:28:50,700 --> 00:28:56,300
So again, I applaud you for
taking more scary action because

451
00:28:56,300 --> 00:29:01,400
it, I swear to you I'm getting
emotional.

452
00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:09,200
Just thinking about how mmm, I
swear to you how proud and

453
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:14,800
grateful and full of healthy
masculinity, you're going to be

454
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:20,200
at the end of that weekend.
Looking forward to it.

455
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:23,500
Yeah, awesome.
Well, thanks Ken for, for

456
00:29:23,500 --> 00:29:26,600
stepping in to the fear and for
sharing just a bit of your

457
00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:30,700
experience, your life and your,
your newfound wisdom, and the

458
00:29:30,700 --> 00:29:34,800
ways that you love yourself and
improve the life of yourself and

459
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:37,600
your family.
Thanks so much for opening up to

460
00:29:37,600 --> 00:29:39,400
us.
Thanks everyone, listening

461
00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:41,200
today.
Here in New England, it's

462
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:44,100
definitely Prime hoodie weather,
and if you want to sport a

463
00:29:44,300 --> 00:29:47,300
warrior king lever magician,
man, hoodie like I've made I

464
00:29:47,300 --> 00:29:50,700
designed this years ago, For me
and other people have asked so

465
00:29:50,700 --> 00:29:52,100
they're actually, they are for
sale.

466
00:29:52,100 --> 00:29:55,400
You can visit real men field dot
org, slash swag.

467
00:29:55,900 --> 00:29:59,000
They come in multiple colors and
they're just still there are

468
00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:01,800
kept there under $40.
So they are the the bargain of

469
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:05,200
the century in menswear,
wherever you discovering real

470
00:30:05,200 --> 00:30:06,900
men.
Feel, Please, Subscribe, follow.

471
00:30:06,900 --> 00:30:10,500
Like, share this with someone
post review a comment.

472
00:30:10,700 --> 00:30:13,100
If Ken story resonates with
someone in your life, like share

473
00:30:13,100 --> 00:30:14,300
this with them, let them hear
this.

474
00:30:14,300 --> 00:30:18,600
Let them hear the that growth
healing recovery.

475
00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:22,700
All of that is possible.
And and it's, it's each human

476
00:30:22,700 --> 00:30:24,800
beings.
Birthright to attain those

477
00:30:24,800 --> 00:30:27,600
things.
Like we're meant to live joyous

478
00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:29,100
lives.
We really, really are.

479
00:30:29,100 --> 00:30:32,100
I believe that to my core.
As always, you can reach out to

480
00:30:32,108 --> 00:30:35,200
me at real men, feel at
gmail.com and it.

481
00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:41,200
So next time, don't just be good
to yourself, love yourself.