Tapping Into The Strength of Men | The Power of Choice

0:00 Hello and welcome to real men. Feel, this is your host author coach and healer and D Grant, please visit D&D Grant.com. To learn more. About me, real men, feel is here to remind men that they're human beings. And they have the right to experience and express all of their emotions. We have conversations that most men aren't having, but that all men can benefit from. I believe that the only definition of masculinity that really matters is yours. You know, I love to give any man who is being of service, a platform to share his message. I meant today's guest, Dustin Baker, in an online program recently, and I was immediately impressed by his his willingness, to be authentic and vulnerable and his desire to help other men after, losing his sense of Happiness.

0:41 Dustin began making changes in his life and slowly became aware of what his mind body. And soul were trying to tell him Destin, did the research study and inner work required to discover to ReDiscover his happiness, his gone on to create A real living and the strength of men, welcome to real men. Feel Dustin Thank you for having me. It's my pleasure, let's just jump right in and tell me a bit about what growing up was like, for you. Um, I spent a lot of time alone, I was with a single mother and she spent a lot of time. Partying often had to wake up for school by myself. Get ready.

1:23 I remember getting ready for pictures by myself, kind of just picking out whatever I wanted. Where and that was, what I would be wearing in my pictures that I still have in my baby book today. So, It was a lot of time. Just spent thinking, really now that I look back and wondering what the world had in store trying to pay attention to. What the world was able to provide at that time. What was was your general thinking, positive, or negative or neutral? But what kind of thoughts are you having? I was often involved with team sports. I spent a lot of time playing hockey as a minor and so I was very focused on hockey.

2:10 I kind of get into these periods where I become very focused on whatever it is, I'm involved with. And so it's always been very positive. Of and I've been able to just come at things from like an individual angle. Not really influenced by too much outside because I'm very introverted can often be awkward and I don't I don't necessarily come up to people and ask them how they're feeling or what's going on. So those are things that I have slowly begun to work on. So did you end up falling your mom's path of being a partier and doing things like that? Or was your isolation kind of blast all through high school and such So yes, I did party for quite a while just kind of near the tail end of high school.

3:01 I got into smoking weed around, seventh grade, and that kind of became my connection. With many people will do that meeting up smoking joints and just that led to other things. My mom played hockey, as well, when I was a minor, and she ended up being in, In a pretty bad accident. When I was 11 years old and she became paralyzed. And so prescription drugs became a part of her life. So I spent a lot of time trying to avoid prescription drugs and I used marijuana as my coping for many, many years.

3:42 Since it was just the two of you. Were you a caretaker at age, 11 for your mom during that time, she had actually gotten married and my stepfather. He was a partier as well. And I don't really remember them being home too often. They would, they were always gone out partying and yeah, like I say just waking up by myself and going to school getting home to having nobody there. Whether they were working or partying, it was A lot of time spent alone and he's around that time to that, they had a daughter. So my sister. So I was an only child for quite some time. So there was some adapting to do with not being an only child anymore. So during that time growing up and spending a lot of time alone and being introverted and a thinker was was that was that happiness for you or did we?

4:34 You thinking about what was missing like do you have any idea of what life could have been? I've always had this idea that I'm just a small part of this big world and I used to have like these Visions as a kid where for some reason I was like a big boy that would like turn to different like shapes and sizes as it would like move through life. And I don't know, I still haven't been able to piece together, what that's actually meant and It's just been quite the Journey of my whole entire life up until this point, like every day is such a new experience and trying to learn something new.

5:21 So, when did you realize that that life wasn't working for you, what that you had lost that this sense of happiness? That really came to light. I was with my ex partner for 17 years. I met her right out of high school. It's been a lot of time partying with her became best friends, got engaged, bought our house together, and that all sort of fell apart. With me, partying and not being so faithful. And then, I was working night shift, one night and came home to a scene that usually would only think of in the movies.

6:06 And it was from that point on where I decided to start making changes, happiness, is kind of been Filtered in throughout my life. Before that point I got into BMX in for quite a while and I think launching myself off jumps at the skate park was my way of coping during that time. Once so, there is another point to where, so I became a scapular right around the time that I met my ex partner. And so, I got right into the trade. That became my new thing to focus on and I want it to be the best Scout floor. I could be Kind of I saw what it was like to be the guy in the office and that was always my dream for quite some time. And then I fell and got two fractures in my back. And it was from that point where I kind of had to leave my BMX on the garage wall, is it just hurt too much to go to work, ride my bike, go to work and not be able to function to the ability that I wanted to perform.

7:20 At work. And so I became to focus on what it would be like to change from being in the field to work in that office life. There's been a lot of time just getting familiar with legislation and rules and had those opportunities to become the office role like superintendent project manager. And I realized that that wasn't fulfilling my needs either. And so I had to make even more changes and was around 2019 when I decided to sell everything, make some huge changes in my life.

8:03 So I want to back up a little bit. You mentioned that because there were there were millions of types of movies in the world. He said it was this movie scene that really made. You realize your life with your partner was not what you wanted. Can you be more specific about about what what happened there? I was working night shift and I had this crazy intuitive feeling, that something was going on and told my boss the time that I got to pack up and go home. I gotta see what's going on. I opened the back door to my house and there was my partner, having sex on the couch with another dude. and so I remember her jumping up and being like you're not going to be too happy obviously, and I ended up kicking the shit out of that guy at that time, broke my hand on his face and Well, just that was like, what have I created? Have you always had that?

9:13 That sense of intuition guiding you or was that something you ignored often? I do believe, I've often listen to that intuition, like riding my bike. I was able to avoid quite a few serious injuries. I would say and it was always just following that and honoring that like taking the time to focus. And taking the time to just listen all that for sure. And so you're currently a scaffolder still right? Apparently still scaffolding. I'm currently a foreman. I decided to go back. I took a job in an area that I had never been and be see, I wasn't kidding Mac and so I just wanted to see that whole side of things living in Camp and gone back to working night shift. So it's there's a part of me that felt like I was taking a step back moving forward.

10:13 However there are certain aspects that I was still intrigued to want to experience. Yes. So it is a camp of scaffolders up in the far north of Canada. Is that a community that gets together to the day and talks about happiness and meaning and fulfillment know that camp actually. So it's a multi trade Camp. There's various trades from all different Genres from laborers to Crane operators electricians. So the cab is brand new facility and they have provided quite a few amenities such as having a weekly men's talk, every Sunday. However, working night shift limits, me from attending that There has been kind of some silence on my end until I get back to Drumheller where I currently reside and I host a men's Gathering every every time I'm available. Cool.

11:19 And what do you do in your in your men's Gathering? I tried to just have no agenda, see who who's interested in even showing up. I changed it from a men Circle to men's Gathering. Just change the wording and hopes of having other men, kind of be interested, just in the word itself. Meant Circle to me, still sounds kind of like some hippy dippy whoosh it and so I changed that so that I could appeal to myself more and And to the men that I hope to connect with, and yeah, in that I just try to pass along tools that I've learned. So what are some of the tools you've learned? What, what, what did you do in your life to create more happiness?

12:11 I had to let a lot of things, go realizing that I have the power of choice and that choice is the superpower that we all have. I'm choosing to let go of things that I felt slowed me down or got in my way of being my true. Authentic self like smoking weed. Never thought I'd quit smoking weed. It was like an everyday. Go to work Stone. Get stoned at work. Get home and smoke some more. So, I was able to give that up and as also able to give up drinking realizing that waking up. Hungover is not who I want to be. Remember my mom saying like do the same thing over and over expecting something different?

13:04 You're just driving yourself crazy, let alone being crazy so I started to actually think about those things and make the changes breath work has become a huge part of my experience these days and I love the experience that the different breathwork Journeys. Can provide and the feeling of how Close that experiences of just the ability of my breath to take me on Journeys, that only taking mushrooms or doing some sort of hallucinogenic would take me on in the past. Yeah, yeah, I remember, when I first discovered holotropic breathwork? Yeah.

13:47 Like maybe two thousand nine or ten. I've probably done it 10 times this point and I was amazed like, how yeah, that I could have what felt like an acid trip at times, just for my breath. And I remember talking to people Like if we brought this to schools, like kids were stopped using drugs because it cause your breath is free and and it's number. There's no side effects to this either. It was it was just amazing. Is there? One thing that you see as the strength of men or is it different for each person? The strength of men to me is the connection to emotion and being able to have that ability to express expression is our strength. And it's changing it from this, what it's thought to be to a more emotional connection to that. Getting out of your head and more into your heart, 100%, and looking back, is that something you realized all along? Or, you know, like what, what, what got you there? I've always been very emotional tears of often. Always been able to find our way to my face. Whether I was getting in shit for something even into my adulthood at work.

15:10 Doing something wrong tears would always come and it's taking some time to realize that. I just didn't have the proper ways to express how I was feeling even till. Like right now, I feel this emotion and I see the changes in my face, looking in the camera and I have more of a pride in that. Now like there's not a lot of men who are willing to reach that point inside of themselves. Yes. And I love having that ability. So cool. And did you always love that ability? No, I know that. I know, I knew that answer and I've lived that answer. So, yeah, so what what made you appreciate your emotions? Just realizing how it connected me to myself. that true form of connection to my heart, my mind, my body, kind of brought all the pieces together instead of Blocking one of them out by thinking, I Wasn't Man Enough or using anger as a defense to look.

16:27 What the fuck are you talking about? Like, I've now been able to let all that resentment towards myself, go, and just find that connection to myself and be proud of it and be willing to express what comes up and not keep things hidden. How do you know, like are there is there is there physical Sensations? Like how do you know you have that connection? I think there's a sensation that I feel kind of in my chest. It's, I guess comparable to butterflies or yeah, I think butterflies would be, the biggest comparison and realizing that that is my senses telling me something.

17:19 So is the your program distinctive men? Is that the men's Gathering or other other aspects to that right now? Currently. It's the men's gatherings. I have a few things that I've been wanting to work on, but taking this night shift rolls, kind of put those on the back, burner for the financial stability that I was looking to create. In the meantime, though, I have been able to create a grounding spray. I called the storm. I was just I had these thoughts of, when did I Feel Complete freedom and took me back. Back to a time. When I was riding my bike through princess Island Park in Calgary and the smell of wood chips, cedar wood chips, came to me, I was like, oh that's sent just takes me to this place in my mind where I just want to be. So I was like going to all these crystal shops and finding out more about the metaphysical side of things getting into smudging and I was like, there's all these things that are to me kind of more appealing to women since that are available are very florally and it's just not a lot of things available at the shops that appeal to men, So, I did some research on essential oils. And kind of was a little chemist

18:51 down in the basement mixing. These different scents together to see what I could come up with. I was able to mix eight, which is kind of that number of affinity or things. Keep going around and feed one at all. Comes back around. So, yeah, I call it the storm and it stands for strength transforms. Our reasoning mind, And so the intention behind it is when I'm myself and feeling in the middle of the storm. My mind turns to chaos, I can't slow down to remembering to spray a little bit and kind of allow my mind to calm down and take me to that place of Freedom. Was it possible for you to feel connected to your authentic self when you were drunk or high?

19:47 No. To me, those, I started to see that those were masks. kind of Li me to present this image that got in the way of me having that connection. was dropping those masks more difficult because of the kind of the laboring community that you're part of There was a time when I would say yes. Until I started to realize the power of choice and where I wanted to allow my abilities to be influenced and finding my strength in those choices to know that. I don't need to try to fit in with that environment. I can still be my own man.

20:44 Kind of dropping all those ideas of what I thought it was to be a man and just become the man I want to be in. So I get that this may be very difficult to answer, but how did you learn what it meant to be? A man, though, the kind of those false stories. Where do they come from? Who. So I, my father was not really around when I was a kid, I spent a few odd weekends with him. I remember my mom's first boyfriend, back then, he was very abusive verbally, physically towards my mom.

21:27 And when I did meet up with my father, I'd have to meet him in random coffee shops, or whatever. Because if there was the connection made between, Teen who I called my stepfather at that time. And my real father, there would be police involved and So I never really had what I thought it was to be a real man until I began working. And then it was my supervisors that I began to look towards for that fatherly role. And I think that's where I drew most of my influence from And yeah they were drug addicts and okay so it was the influence to keep the masks as opposed to let them down.

22:10 Then yes, what was there a male influence that you could see to give those things up to get that connection to be grounded in your in your true self? Honestly, no good. So, as your own, experimentation yeah, it is is those feelings that I had to start paying attention to and wondering like who am I without these things and wanting to experience that more than I want to experience being high or being drunk? And you have another project called for real living. God, tell me about that free-living.

22:53 So forever Outdoors. Reliving, I was able to in 2019 While still with my ex-partner, we sold all of our possessions, sold our home and decided to live on the road. And I wanted to kind of create a brand that brought what it was like, for my vision of what it was like to be for real living and reliving to me, which was The general idea of it is envisioning that I was like Frontier Cowboy back in the day and packing everything into my horse and carriage and just hittin the road and see where I end up.

23:46 I was able to I started my adventure in Calgary where we sold, everything, went to Vancouver Island as far west as I could get. And then slowly started to make my way East made it to Ontario in 2021. So when I got off the island, I was kind of when covid, kind of really started to come in. And when I got back to Calgary to kind of regroup, after that, I've right in the middle of everything being kind of starting to shut down. And so I was used to being alone and self-sufficient at that time and kind of regroup slowly made our way to Ontario.

24:34 And that's where my ex-partner and I kind of really had this realization that we're on totally different paths. I wasn't able to let go of my resentment for what I had witnessed and so she decided to fly back to Calgary to start her life over and I stayed out and Ontario and continued, my vision of free living. Is there a particular practice or program or book that helped you that you'd like to share with others? Huh. Into the wild was the movie that really lit the fire under me and just all the things that Society has kind of programmed me to our condition me to believe. That's normal.

25:25 Don't need to be my normal. And so if there's one thing I would recommend it would be watch that movie and listen to the songs that play in there, Eddie Vetter and Really just try to take in what it is for somebody to feel that freedom of the things that you've learned and experienced is there. One thing that you wish more men knew The power of our choice. Reactions are a choice. Everything we do is a choice and just having the strength to know that choices are made to provide an experience. Those experiences are whatever we want them to be. Did you see kind of the majority of men or people around you just kind of running on autopilot and making not making choices, just keep doing the same thing by default. Yes, I would, totally think it's almost like a default just by previous choices that they have made and it kind of just unfold this lifestyle that they have to just keep showing up for that specific way, as you share more Yourself. In in your world and in the

26:55 night, shift jobs and then labor positions and things. Well first do you do that? And if you do, what sort of reaction do you get or Lately. It's been received very well. There has been a change in the mindfulness and Expression these days. So it is more well-received these days and everything you've gone through personally and the things that you created for the men so far, does anything stand out that you're most proud of For myself, it would be the freedom that I have been able to create for myself.

27:41 I don't, I've been able to limit my monthly expenses to $700 and to me that allows this sense of Freedom that I haven't felt for years and it's through the choices I've made. Like, I don't have children. I Don't have a home anymore other than like my current partner. I live with her pay her rent. So being able to have what I feel is my freedom by being able to hop in my truck and go wherever I want. I currently drive a forerunner that I've well equipped to be able to take me basically anywhere I want to go And I do take it basically anywhere.

28:34 I want to go and I've been able to live those experiences and take myself down Forest roads where somebody hasn't travelled for years and hopefully not get stuck, but the few times they had been Getting myself into some tree pretty tricky situations. I've been resourceful enough through the skills I've learned throughout my life too. Be able to walk out somehow and be able to find help or be resourceful enough to use the tools that I brought with me to get my vehicle out of some of the places I've got it.

29:14 Ideally, what would you like to see the strength of men become? I would like to see the strength of men become. That's really good question. So many pieces that I'd like to just piece together and have a general answer. To me. I just want it to be. That connection and I want it to be more comfortable for men too.

29:59 Grab another man and fucking cry together. The feel that connection. it is becoming more familiar to many men these days but like being throwing myself back into the construction industry and seeing the side that I've kind of tried to step away from and what I guess is referred to as the toxic masculinity. and, I just Want that way of expression to not have to be anger or aggression or making fun of others for how they choose to express their feelings toxic.

30:53 Masculine is been used so much. It become this world but to me it's more, it's the sense of rigid masculinity that men must be this one way. And these really narrow walls of what masculinity means and from my experience, you will want to push that wider. And let all the emotions be part of of masculinity. Not have a toxic version and an open version, or a softer version, or whatever frickin adjectives. There are these days around it just like, I always say. When someone asks me what it means like what what do you do? Great. Well, that's what a man does. It is. Is no comparison is just like, what however you spend every living moment. That that's what masculinity is, you mentioned, whoo stuff earlier, too.

31:37 And like I do so many things that are freaking We went out there and things, I made fun of and now embrace them because they work. So it's that willingness to try new things to experiment to step out of that narrow, container of what men are supposed to be, especially if it comes from people that are fucking miserable, right? So, you know, you have the right to be happy, every human being has the right to be happy. I don't think anyone's put here to just to suffer and sludge through a miserable experience. I just don't believe that and as you said our Choices can make that, but but new choices can change all that as well. So I love that. Have you found your own personal vision of freedom is being really a mobile.

32:23 Yeah, so, it's interesting that your kind of your self sufficient yet, you want connection to, so it's not one or the other, and I think that's beautiful. I really had to learn that Community is another strength that we have as a society seem to have. Just let go. Each person offers so much value to another's experience that trying to push everything away, doesn't work. And there's tools that need to be learned from everyone and the ability to help.

33:06 Others is a huge part of our existence. Yeah and one thing that was never made clear to me growing up helping someone else being of service comes with such a tremendous reward like it. Sometimes I feel like I'm more helped. When I help someone else have some breakthrough, some realization, whatever it may be, there's this. There is just such this fantastic Exchange in those experiences, you find that I do. And I've noticed that in a lot of like various podcasts and that connection that they create for the person hosting and the interviewee and how just the Questions that are asked or the responses that are given its there's that each other.

33:56 Each of them are healing each other through those conversations and that has become very bright. And I can see that in so many different things that I read through and watch Destiny. Is there anything else you want to share or pass along? I would like to thank you for allowing this space too. Create and express very grateful for that. Just want to offer. men that they can be whoever they want to be as we touched on each part where all men, no matter what, we've come to believe and Be the man that you want to be and Dustin what's the best way for people to learn more about what you're up to?

34:57 I do have an Instagram page at the strength of men. I'm on Facebook as well, that the strength of men have a website, the strength of men and kind of my travel page is free-living. F dot 0 dot reall There's only one L in there and it's kind of weird to spell. All right. Whip will spell it out for for all the, all the links that mentioned. All the resources that have been talked about visit Wheelman field at org, to be a blog post with this episode, and we'll have all the different ways to follow and connect with dust in there. Dustin, thanks for stepping forward. Thanks for saying, yes, when I, when I offered this to you, and Thanks for your bravery and being yourself. Because I know how ask what a scary thing that can be for a man.

35:51 But you're giving permission to everyone else out there, to take the risk to be themselves as well. So it's truly valuable and appreciated. Thank you, Andy. Thanks for everyone listening to us today, wherever you're discovering real men. Feel, please give a like a subscription, a comment, share this with somebody. You can always reach me at real men. Feel at gmail.com. Always glad to hear from you. And if you haven't yet, joined the private Facebook group. We have one visit real men, feel dot org, slash group. It'll take you right there, and you can have the that community, that connection, that we've been talking about that. That is one of the strengths of Men that we don't take advantage of everybody, but, uh, until next time be good to yourself.