Thinking I Want to Die

0:00 Greetings and welcome to real men. Feel I'm your host, Andy Grant and I will talk openly about suicide in this episode specifically my experiences being suicidal. So you've been warned. If you are in any sort of Crisis, please call or text 988 to be connected to trained counselors. That are part of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. If you are outside of the US, please search for suicide, prevention in Your country you matter. Please choose life. For, at least 15 years. I've been very open about being a suicide attempt Survivor. I've taken action to end my life more times than I can recall for years.

0:48 I said that I truly wanted to die, but I've come to realize that wasn't true. It was true that on numerous occasions. I did things that I hoped would kill me in recent years, I've become more careful in how I refer to my own suicidal thoughts and actions. Instead of saying I wanted to die, I say I believed I wanted to die or I thought I wanted to die because what I really wanted was to feel good. Do not feel broken hopeless and helpless. I wanted my misery to end not my life, but at times I saw them both as the same thing.

1:33 When I was 17 years old, I overdosed on antidepressants. And when I woke up in the, ER, I was mad and disappointed that I was still alive. I made other attempts by other means, until at one point at age 20, I made yet another attempt using something that had failed me before carbon dioxide and that was the first real Dark Night of the Soul moment. I had. The first time that I begged and pleaded. With God to help me. I realized I wasn't good at living and I wasn't good at dying. There had to be some other way.

2:17 And that's when I got the message, the inspiration that if I shared my pain, my experience, in a way that helped others, it would all be worth it. I finally began to want help. I participated in my own personal growth, but it wasn't perfect to say the least. And I shared and released just enough to not be in crisis. I really dug down into the causes. At age, 25, I put myself into the hospital without attempting to end my life. This was a first until then, I had this pattern of feeling relief after I made a suicide attempt.

3:00 And every time I came out, every time I came out of a mental hospital, I knew I really landed on my feet. Everything seemed to be better. And I felt very mature by skipping the attempt part and going straight to the help and was only hospitalized for a weekend and I saw a therapist voluntarily for the first time for months, eventually, I got on a path of spiritual growth and I still had periods of depression and suicidal thoughts, but I never took an action that put me in a hospital. So I didn't consider anything and attempt. Remember in 2010, I stood on a top floor of a parking garage that I had gone to to jump off.

3:42 But I really went there for the relief of making an attempt of doing something. I was hoping for a big sign that I was supposed to be alive, ended up with a very subtle feeling this inner knowing, and I called a suicide support hotline for the first time. And then I returned home to my terrified wife. Another instance in 2019, I was on the verge of buying cyanide from some random guy via email who claimed to have some at the last minute before sending money. I thought this is ridiculous and I didn't go through with it. Later, that year, I did a massive ancestral, healing program with the modern mystery school. And I thought suicidal thinking was gone for good. But in November 20, 21 after attending my most profound spiritual training and my highest level yet of initiation with the mystery school.

4:46 I reacted with with doubt and fear and complete withdrawal, I chose to pursue my old pattern of depression and suicide even though the level of energy and emotion feeding, it wasn't there. As it was in the past, I was just choosing to follow an old habit. I was aware that something Was different. I really had shifted, but I still decided to take the old ride again. It was somehow more comfortable than the unknown. My distorted thinking was that I'd withdraw from everything forcing myself into a corner, then like a trapped animal, I would burst out screaming for life or I would decide that I want to die.

5:33 Now, I knew this was a bad idea. Yet still, I followed it. Neither of those planned outcomes happened, I just became more and more apathetic. I wished hoped pleaded begged, prayed to be dead. But I took no action. I refused all offers of help. I didn't want to feel better. I didn't want to feel. I didn't want to be. Or at least I didn't want to be me.

6:17 I thought I was following my old pattern that it needs to prove that I was need meant to be alive again. So true to form. Things didn't really start to turn around until about the middle of last month. June 2022. When I tried to purchase some euthanasia drugs online. I figured it was a scam but I made the purchase anyway. And in my distorted thinking believing that I wanted to die, taking action, even really stupid action felt like a relief, at least I was doing something. when the drugs didn't arrive, I was much more sad and disappointed than I expected. I was distraught that I had to find a way to live. And I was ashamed and how long it took to realize and accept where I was.

7:25 Living was really the only option. And about a week later, I got a card in the mail. Saying how worried people were about me? And had been way easier to ignore electronic communication for months. But somehow that letter on June 28th, holding it in my hand and reading it over and over it. It signaled, my bottom to me earlier, I said that I didn't want to be I didn't want to be me. What I'm seeing the core issue is I don't know who I am. If I'm not someone who falls into pression and Suicidal Thoughts, that default reaction to too overwhelmed to fear to something new that be that being my major sign of resistance.

8:17 I just entirely used to it expecting it. I have healed immensely, but I didn't see that. I've yet to let go of so much that I had healed. And I was still carrying this, this baggage, this residue, these scars, these ruts in my neural Pathways, these grooves moving into my DNA that, let me easily slide in. To that my own demise is the way to go. I'm really still figuring out who I am without that. So again, I thought I wanted to die.

9:00 But I really wanted an undeniable sign that it couldn't miss or ignore that I was supposed to be alive. Now, you'd think after multiple failed attempts, that would be enough, but no, I was always good in school, but this is one lesson that I've had to have pummeled into me to get Another thing I recently realized was that in my very first suicide attempt way back in when I was in the seventh grade so it's like age 12 or 13. I was not angry that I survived. But if attended to blackout, I fig nor that reaction that first reaction, I attempted to overdose on aspirin.

9:44 I genuinely believe that would work, you know, as a kid I'd heard of overdoses and thought I could OD on anything. Remember so many details it was a it was a Sunday night. The Deep was the network TV movie of the week and during every commercial I went to the bathroom and swallowed a handful of pills. I expected to go to sleep that night and never wake up again. No more paying just Everlasting sleep. But I woke in the middle of the night sick, I made my way to the bathroom was just throwing up repeatedly and sobbing while doing so. The noise woke, my mom. She came to check on me.

10:29 I told her what I'd done. And how sorry I was. I knew it was a mistake. I did want to live, there was no doubt. We were both kind of in shock from that experience. I don't think anybody wanted to believe that I felt so low that I tried to die. But I didn't really do much about underlying issues, the causes and traumas that really were blocked from my memory getting to them. Ended up taking many, many more years. I now see that in all my repeated attempts while I thought I wanted to die, I really wanted the profound certainty and knowing that I wanted to live. Suicide is not the easy way out.

11:14 It is very difficult to overcome our innate desire to live. I've often said that if I lived in a state, where was easy to buy a gun, I'd be dead. And maybe in the past. That was true. But now I think if I'd actually Sat with a gun in my hand. I just be bawling and shaking, knowing That I only thought I wanted to die. I hope me sharing this helps you in some way. This is why I'm doing it. All of my healing work has made a massive difference while I have repeated the same pattern more than once. I've been a different person each time Until now I've repeatable patterns simply due to the habit. But now I'm willing to see a level of shame that was always there that I could never witness or except I've been able to do some inner child work that has long avoided me. I've access memories that have been blocked out long ago. I thought knowing that I had been sexually abused as a kid was enough, right?

12:29 I wasn't hiding. It denying it so I must be healed. But I never addressed in healed. The the trauma of it all the underlying residue until recently. I now see that so much of my inner dialogue at my worst times, has been me repeating. What I heard as a toddler while seeing my father battle depression and alcoholism. When he was a young man, I don't say that in a way to blame him, just finally realizing where things come from, so that I can let them go. So, I can discern between My Chosen thoughts and old habits, so I can recognize I've given into some old outdated autopilot programming. Instead of making a choice that actually feels good. Something life-affirming instead of Life denying. I know I shouldn't kill myself.

13:30 I know that doesn't solve a thing. And I really know. I can't kill myself. Now, that too many mystical experiences to deny there is much more to us than this physical life. I also know, this is the easiest place to deal with our shit and Shadow Demons negativity. We all have free will, and this world is full of light and dark, good and evil. So that we can choose I used to expect that my choosing to live, once should be enough, that a realization, a choice to life to embrace. The light was made once and that was enough. Realizing I'm good enough that I'm worthy that I'm Healed. It should be a one-and-done sort of thing. But I really have to choose the light Joy life. Multiple times a day.

14:40 I used to think that was horrible. But maybe it's just life. You know, there are many times that life isn't easy. But that never means life isn't worth living. If you need support right now, please call text or chat 2988 and get connected to trained counselors. That are part of the National Suicide, Prevention Lifeline Network until next time. Be good to yourself.