Thinking I Want to Die

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Greetings and welcome to real
men.

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Feel I'm your host, Andy Grant
and I will talk openly about

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suicide in this episode
specifically my experiences

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being suicidal.
So you've been warned.

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If you are in any sort of
Crisis, please call or text 988

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to be connected to trained
counselors.

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That are part of the National
Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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network.
If you are outside of the US,

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please search for suicide,
prevention in Your country you

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matter.
Please choose life.

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For, at least 15 years.
I've been very open about being

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a suicide attempt Survivor.
I've taken action to end my life

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more times than I can recall for
years.

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I said that I truly wanted to
die, but I've come to realize

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that wasn't true.
It was true that on numerous

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occasions.
I did things that I hoped would

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kill me in recent years, I've
become more careful in how I

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refer to my own suicidal
thoughts and actions.

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Instead of saying I wanted to
die, I say I believed I wanted

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to die or I thought I wanted to
die because what I really wanted

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was to feel good.
Do not feel broken hopeless and

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helpless.
I wanted my misery to end not my

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life, but at times I saw them
both as the same thing.

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When I was 17 years old, I
overdosed on antidepressants.

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And when I woke up in the, ER, I
was mad and disappointed that I

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was still alive.
I made other attempts by other

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means, until at one point at age
20, I made yet another attempt

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using something that had failed
me before carbon dioxide and

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that was the first real Dark
Night of the Soul moment.

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I had.
The first time that I begged and

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pleaded.
With God to help me.

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I realized I wasn't good at
living and I wasn't good at

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dying.
There had to be some other way.

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And that's when I got the
message, the inspiration that if

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I shared my pain, my experience,
in a way that helped others, it

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would all be worth it.
I finally began to want help.

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I participated in my own
personal growth, but it wasn't

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perfect to say the least.
And I shared and released just

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enough to not be in crisis.
I really dug down into the

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causes.
At age, 25, I put myself into

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the hospital without attempting
to end my life.

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This was a first until then, I
had this pattern of feeling

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relief after I made a suicide
attempt.

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And every time I came out, every
time I came out of a mental

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hospital, I knew I really landed
on my feet.

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Everything seemed to be better.
And I felt very mature by

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skipping the attempt part and
going straight to the help and

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was only hospitalized for a
weekend and I saw a therapist

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voluntarily for the first time
for months, eventually, I got on

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a path of spiritual growth and I
still had periods of depression

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and suicidal thoughts, but I
never took an action that put me

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in a hospital.
So I didn't consider anything

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and attempt.
Remember in 2010, I stood on a

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top floor of a parking garage
that I had gone to to jump off.

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But I really went there for the
relief of making an attempt of

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doing something.
I was hoping for a big sign that

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I was supposed to be alive,
ended up with a very subtle

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feeling this inner knowing, and
I called a suicide support

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hotline for the first time.
And then I returned home to my

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terrified wife.
Another instance in 2019, I was

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on the verge of buying cyanide
from some random guy via email

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who claimed to have some at the
last minute before sending

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money.
I thought this is ridiculous and

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I didn't go through with it.
Later, that year, I did a

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massive ancestral, healing
program with the modern mystery

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school.
And I thought suicidal thinking

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was gone for good.
But in November 20, 21 after

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attending my most profound
spiritual training and my

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highest level yet of initiation
with the mystery school.

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I reacted with with doubt and
fear and complete withdrawal, I

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chose to pursue my old pattern
of depression and suicide even

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though the level of energy and
emotion feeding, it wasn't

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there.
As it was in the past, I was

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just choosing to follow an old
habit.

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I was aware that something Was
different.

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I really had shifted, but I
still decided to take the old

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ride again.
It was somehow more comfortable

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than the unknown.
My distorted thinking was that

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I'd withdraw from everything
forcing myself into a corner,

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then like a trapped animal, I
would burst out screaming for

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life or I would decide that I
want to die.

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Now, I knew this was a bad idea.
Yet still, I followed it.

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Neither of those planned
outcomes happened, I just became

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more and more apathetic.
I wished hoped pleaded begged,

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prayed to be dead.
But I took no action.

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I refused all offers of help.
I didn't want to feel better.

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I didn't want to feel.
I didn't want to be.

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Or at least I didn't want to be
me.

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I thought I was following my old
pattern that it needs to prove

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that I was need meant to be
alive again.

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So true to form.
Things didn't really start to

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turn around until about the
middle of last month.

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June 2022.
When I tried to purchase some

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euthanasia drugs online.
I figured it was a scam but I

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made the purchase anyway.
And in my distorted thinking

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believing that I wanted to die,
taking action, even really

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stupid action felt like a
relief, at least I was doing

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something. when the drugs didn't
arrive, I was much more sad and

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disappointed than I expected.
I was distraught that I had to

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find a way to live.
And I was ashamed and how long

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it took to realize and accept
where I was.

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Living was really the only
option.

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And about a week later, I got a
card in the mail.

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Saying how worried people were
about me?

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And had been way easier to
ignore electronic communication

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for months.
But somehow that letter on June

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28th, holding it in my hand and
reading it over and over it.

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It signaled, my bottom to me
earlier, I said that I didn't

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want to be I didn't want to be
me.

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What I'm seeing the core issue
is I don't know who I am.

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If I'm not someone who falls
into pression and Suicidal

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Thoughts, that default reaction
to too overwhelmed to fear to

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something new that be that being
my major sign of resistance.

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I just entirely used to it
expecting it.

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I have healed immensely, but I
didn't see that.

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I've yet to let go of so much
that I had healed.

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And I was still carrying this,
this baggage, this residue,

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these scars, these ruts in my
neural Pathways, these grooves

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moving into my DNA that, let me
easily slide in.

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To that my own demise is the way
to go.

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I'm really still figuring out
who I am without that.

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So again, I thought I wanted to
die.

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But I really wanted an
undeniable sign that it couldn't

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miss or ignore that I was
supposed to be alive.

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Now, you'd think after multiple
failed attempts, that would be

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enough, but no, I was always
good in school, but this is one

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lesson that I've had to have
pummeled into me to get Another

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thing I recently realized was
that in my very first suicide

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attempt way back in when I was
in the seventh grade so it's

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like age 12 or 13.
I was not angry that I survived.

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But if attended to blackout, I
fig nor that reaction that first

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reaction, I attempted to
overdose on aspirin.

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I genuinely believe that would
work, you know, as a kid I'd

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heard of overdoses and thought I
could OD on anything.

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Remember so many details it was
a it was a Sunday night.

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The Deep was the network TV
movie of the week and during

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every commercial I went to the
bathroom and swallowed a handful

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of pills.
I expected to go to sleep that

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night and never wake up again.
No more paying just Everlasting

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sleep.
But I woke in the middle of the

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night sick, I made my way to the
bathroom was just throwing up

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repeatedly and sobbing while
doing so.

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The noise woke, my mom.
She came to check on me.

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I told her what I'd done.
And how sorry I was.

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I knew it was a mistake.
I did want to live, there was no

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doubt.
We were both kind of in shock

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from that experience.
I don't think anybody wanted to

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believe that I felt so low that
I tried to die.

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But I didn't really do much
about underlying issues, the

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causes and traumas that really
were blocked from my memory

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getting to them.
Ended up taking many, many more

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years.
I now see that in all my

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repeated attempts while I
thought I wanted to die, I

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really wanted the profound
certainty and knowing that I

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wanted to live.
Suicide is not the easy way out.

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It is very difficult to overcome
our innate desire to live.

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I've often said that if I lived
in a state, where was easy to

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buy a gun, I'd be dead.
And maybe in the past.

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That was true.
But now I think if I'd actually

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Sat with a gun in my hand.
I just be bawling and shaking,

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knowing That I only thought I
wanted to die.

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I hope me sharing this helps you
in some way.

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This is why I'm doing it.
All of my healing work has made

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a massive difference while I
have repeated the same pattern

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more than once.
I've been a different person

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each time Until now I've
repeatable patterns simply due

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to the habit.
But now I'm willing to see a

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level of shame that was always
there that I could never witness

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or except I've been able to do
some inner child work that has

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long avoided me.
I've access memories that have

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been blocked out long ago.
I thought knowing that I had

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been sexually abused as a kid
was enough, right?

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I wasn't hiding.
It denying it so I must be

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healed.
But I never addressed in healed.

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The the trauma of it all the
underlying residue until

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recently.
I now see that so much of my

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inner dialogue at my worst
times, has been me repeating.

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What I heard as a toddler while
seeing my father battle

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depression and alcoholism.
When he was a young man, I don't

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say that in a way to blame him,
just finally realizing where

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things come from, so that I can
let them go.

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So, I can discern between My
Chosen thoughts and old habits,

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so I can recognize I've given
into some old outdated autopilot

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programming.
Instead of making a choice that

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actually feels good.
Something life-affirming instead

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of Life denying.
I know I shouldn't kill myself.

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I know that doesn't solve a
thing.

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And I really know.
I can't kill myself.

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Now, that too many mystical
experiences to deny there is

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much more to us than this
physical life.

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I also know, this is the easiest
place to deal with our shit and

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Shadow Demons negativity.
We all have free will, and this

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world is full of light and dark,
good and evil.

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So that we can choose I used to
expect that my choosing to live,

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once should be enough, that a
realization, a choice to life to

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embrace.
The light was made once and that

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was enough.
Realizing I'm good enough that

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I'm worthy that I'm Healed.
It should be a one-and-done sort

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of thing.
But I really have to choose the

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light Joy life.
Multiple times a day.

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I used to think that was
horrible.

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But maybe it's just life.
You know, there are many times

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that life isn't easy.
But that never means life isn't

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worth living.
If you need support right now,

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please call text or chat 2988
and get connected to trained

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counselors.
That are part of the National

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Suicide, Prevention Lifeline
Network until next time.

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Be good to yourself.