Understanding Stress and Inner Transformations: A Path from Fear to Love

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Stress is the difference between
our expectations and how things

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really are.
So when we have an experience

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and when we interpret that
experience through our

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expectations, that gives us the
opportunity for stress.

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We are obligated to make a
decision about every experience

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before we can go to the next
experience.

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Hello and welcome to Real Men
Feel, the show that reminds men

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that they're human beings.
I'm your host, Andy Grant.

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Today we're diving deep into
something that every man

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experiences, but few are truly
equipped to understand or

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transform stress.
My guest today is Dean Graves, a

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spiritual philosopher, author,
and coach with a powerful

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perspective on stress, inner
peace, and the journey from fear

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to love.
In this conversation, we explore

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what stress really is, why it
shows up so intensely in men,

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and how we can begin to dissolve
it, not just cope with it.

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If you're tired of running on
empty, reacting in anger, or

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feeling like peace is completely
out of reach, this one's for

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you.
Let's do it.

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Hello Dean, and welcome to Real
Men Feel.

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Thank you, Andy.
Glad you to be here.

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Thank you for having me.
You wanted to talk about stress,

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so let's start at the start.
And would you please define

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stress?
Sure.

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Yeah, that's a a great question
that most people don't even

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think to ask.
Stress is the difference between

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our expectations and how things
really are.

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So when we have an experience
and when we interpret that

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experience through our
expectations, that gives us the

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opportunity for stress.
We are obligated to make a

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decision about every experience
before we can go to the next

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experience.
And our perception of an

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experience covers some period of
time, 15 minutes, thirty

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minutes, some period of time,
usually strung together by the

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commonality of environment and
the stream of thoughts.

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The reality is that every
perceived experience is actually

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dozens of thought, is comprised
of dozens of thoughts each and

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every thought that we process in
and of itself is a complete

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experience.
And it is with every single

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thought we are obligated to make
a decision.

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And the decision that we are
obligated to make is the

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decision that this thought feels
good.

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And I like it or it doesn't feel
good and I don't like it.

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And the basis for that
determination is purely how it

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feels.
We don't go through a the I like

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it because of this, that and the
other process.

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We don't do a rational, logical
estimation of every thought.

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We just feel it, that thought.
If it reinforces our identity,

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our herifant, our ego to all the
same thing, then we like it.

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If it doesn't, then we don't
like it.

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And that is stress.
Anything that challenges the

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authenticity of our ego for the
sake of simply understanding,

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then we don't like it.
Stress is a spectrum, a very

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minor stress.
You know, I don't like, I don't

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like milk in my coffee.
I'd rather have half and half

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that.
Very minor, but it nevertheless

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it is on the stress stress
spectrum.

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The opposite end of that would
be something that we deem to be

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traumatic.
So when we experience a thought

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that is so challenging to the
authenticity of our identity of

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our ego, then we are unable to
make that decision for that one

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thought that is so challenges my
perception of self that I'm

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unable to make that decision.
And we that becomes traumatic.

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Now what has actually happened
is for that one thought, it is

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so challenging to our perception
of self that we our awareness

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actually leaves our body.
And for that moment we enter a

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condition of well, stress, but
shock.

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And so we go to the next thought
based upon how we are.

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But that one moment will remain
unresolved until we go back and

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adjudicate that thought, whether
it feels good or doesn't feel

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good.
And so in an experience that we

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deem to be traumatic, whether it
be military oriented or crime

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oriented or just simply an
everyday experience that we are

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in a lessened condition of how
we normally are can be

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interpreted by us as traumatic.
And so the healing of a trauma

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is actually a very simple
process of guiding yourself.

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You can do it to yourself.
It's very difficult to do

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yourself as someone who has a a
knowledge of how it actually

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works to guide you back to that
moment and allow you to make to

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adjudicate that thought.
That is a a vacancy in your

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stream of experiences and the
trauma becomes healed.

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That decision that we make, that
either the thought feels good or

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doesn't feel good in and of
itself is a complete emotion.

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Matter of fact, that is the only
emotion that there is.

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There is no emotion of the
thousands of names that we have

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assigned to.
Emotions are actually conditions

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of being that we are in, rather
than an emotion.

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If we are in a condition of
grief, we allow ourselves to

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have a certain vibrational level
at that condition of grief, and

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we are most likely to interpret
all of the thoughts that we

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process while we remain in that
condition of grief as unpleasant

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because we are in a reduced
state of of being.

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Are all of those perceptions and
decision points of of I like

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this or I don't like this?
Is that conscious or

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unconscious?
Well, it can be conscious for

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the most part it it is
unconscious and that is actually

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a measure of how we are
evolving.

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We are consciousness.
Everything that we experience is

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consciousness, one of the the
most, probably the single most

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essential characteristic of the
range of consciousness.

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In their multiple ranges of
consciousness, we just all share

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a certain range of consciousness
which is actually very low on

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the consciousness scale.
As a population, we are tasked

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with becoming awareness, and it
is awareness that is both our

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discovery tool of what needs to
be healed and the healing tool

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itself.
But as we evolve within our

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range of consciousness, we will
actually be be becoming more

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aware.
And there is a significant break

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point in our Incarnate lifetime,
which is the point that we reach

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a point of awakening.
And awakening is nothing more

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than that awareness that all the
stuff that I've been doing in my

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life before this point and it
can occur at any time throughout

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your life.
I may be successful from

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external measurement basis, but
I'm not getting happier.

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I'm not with all my successes,
I'm not happy.

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And that is the point of
awakening and it we are cast at

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that point and that is
overcoming unconsciousness,

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which is the condition that we
are born into and must overcome

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with each new lifetime.
We are tasked to look around and

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see what other alternatives are
there besides what I have been

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doing.
That point also is designed to

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take the natural awareness that
we all have, and instead of

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having that awareness pointed
outside of us, to measure how

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we're being received by the
world around us.

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To learn to invert that same
awareness inside and begin to

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become aware of what it is that
we have incorporated into our

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perception of self that is
perpetuating our lack of

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happiness.
So deciding something feels good

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or doesn't, we're relying on our
feelings.

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Purely.
Purely.

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And so something just end.
It's a body sensation.

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Is it a knowing?
Is it different for everybody?

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What, what, how do, how do, how
do I feel?

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What's what's good or or bad for
me?

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How do you know when?
How do you know what's what is

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truth?
It feels right.

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I mean, you can get all of the
statistics in the world

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collected, but you, you know,
you still have that feeling.

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This doesn't feel right.
It doesn't feel true.

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And that is?
Along the lines of intuition or

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just your gut instinct.
You call it intuition, but it's

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actually your your authentic
self that is telling you that

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that's not true.
We are part of the design that

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we go through with each lifetime
is we form this herophant, this

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identity, this ego.
We form it every lifetime that

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we we enter into and it's based
upon our experiences as well as

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influxes of those that are
around us when we're an infant

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and a child, certainly our
source of information and

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experience as parents and
immediate family.

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And so they, we get that by
osmosis.

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We don't, you know, it feels
good.

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If I behave this way, then I get
rewarded.

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I like that it feels good.
I want more of that.

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If I don't, then, you know, the,
the other stuff happens.

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And so we learn to to balance
this identity that becomes more

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complex as we go through
childhood.

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When we reach the teenage years,
then our awareness has greatly

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accelerated, but we don't have
any information.

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And that's why those teenage
years for everybody is always so

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challenging and why teenagers,
as a rule of thumb, by

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comparison, are pretty
untethered.

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We're experimenting, we're
gaining information.

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We're trying to get information
as to what it is that we like in

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order to fulfill the equivalent
of awareness that we have

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increased.
And we will stay in that

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condition based upon that
herophant that we've created

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essentially as teenagers, but
but including those childhood

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years as well, until we have
that realization that, you know,

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something's not right.
I'm not happy.

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So there's got to be something
that has to be changed.

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Only thing I can change is me.
It it seems like modern day

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society and culture is very
stressful.

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Is is the does every time period
think their time is the most

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stressful or is today more
stressful?

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Has to do with us, doesn't have
anything to do with the nature

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of our experiences.
The experiences, you know, you

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and I could probably sit down in
a couple hours and write out

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every possible experience that a
human can have.

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And you say, you know, I, I fell
off a chair, I fell off a roof,

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I fell off a Cliff, you're
falling.

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It's all the same experience to
grid to different degrees.

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And so the number of experiences
that we have available to us are

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actually very limited.
What changes is how we are and

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how we interpret those
experiences.

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And so one person may interpret
well, going back to the trauma

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example, you have two soldiers
in a foxhole.

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They experience the same
firefight, the same external

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experience.
One of them has a trauma, the

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other one doesn't.
The only difference is the

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condition that they are in at
the time that they have that

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experience.
The same is true of of any

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experience that we have, what
one person may deem to be very

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stressful on the stress scale
space spectrum.

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And the other person said, hey,
well, you know, didn't work out.

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No big deal.
So it depends on how the

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individual is.
But by virtue of this process,

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we are actually magnetic.
We attract experiences to us

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that we need to have in order to
fulfill our purpose in life.

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And as being consciousness, our
our there is no variety in the

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purpose of life.
Our purpose is to explore

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ourselves.
Our mission is unique and that

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is separate from our purpose.
Our mission is to learn what we

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like, do what we like, become
proficient at what we like, and

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by doing that, that will attract
the types of experiences that we

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need in order to fulfill our
purpose in life.

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Did you have a particular
turning point, breaking point

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with with stress that made you
have an awakening experience and

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and realize all these?
Truths Yeah, yeah, I've, I've

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experienced this.
I teach it and guide others to,

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to have a path to follow.
But I, I lived a very

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conventional life and was
moderately successful, I thought

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in what I was doing and till
about my 50th year.

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And, you know, I just, I just
had that feeling though, this is

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this is Sisypusi.
And I'm pushing the rock up the

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hill every day.
And now I know it's going to

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roll back down the next day and
I'm going to have to do it all

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over again.
And so that kind of was the, the

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spotlight on my unhappiness that
I had this realization that all

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of the things that I had been
taught for 50 years is this is

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what you need to do in order to
be successful and happy in, in

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life.
And had that spotlight, as I

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say, that awareness, well, you
know, this isn't even getting

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any better.
And I'm running out of time

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here.
I need to find some other way of

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doing things.
And so, and that's the way

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anybody that has an awakening,
anybody that assumes that self

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responsibility for healing and
for finding that happiness has a

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similar type of experience.
It can happen when you're a

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teenager, It can happen when
you're 80 years old.

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Do men and women experience and
express stress differently?

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They experience stress the same
way because whether you're male

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or female, you are obligated to
create this herofant.

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Now what differs is the nature
of that herofant that we create.

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Men create a herofant, a lot of
it provided to us by the

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surrounding cultures that we
grow up in.

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And our power is in strength and
that is attributed somewhat

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degree with our body.
We have a male body but strength

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isn't always possible in
physical strength.

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So we have other things like
wealth, money, job titles, all

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sorts of things like that.
Add to that perception of

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00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:15,320
strength and we will defend and
protect that because that is

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00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:19,520
what we use to reinforce this
herophant, this false identity

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00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:23,160
that we create.
Women, on the other hand, also

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create a herophant, but their
power source is beauty.

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And look at the billions of
dollars every year that women

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00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:36,480
spend on maintaining beauty,
which is actually just a

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socially acceptable way of
identifying sex.

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So women's power is sex.
But if you think of the women

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woman's body and women's
function is providing the next

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00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:58,160
generation, you know it.
It is biologic.

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00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:02,320
It corresponds biologically with
the relationship of of male and

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00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,359
female.
The female is much going to be

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00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:12,079
much more inclined to learn to
invert that awareness because of

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the biological quality of having
children.

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Men, on the other hand, don't
have that.

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And while they may assume a
fathering or a paternal role,

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they don't feel that internally
as significantly as the female

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00:17:30,920 --> 00:17:36,640
does.
And so awakening and healing,

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you can actually say is more
difficult for the male.

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Matter of fact, the the nature
of, of creation is predicated

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upon an object subject
relationship.

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The male and female is always an
object subject relationship.

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In spite of all of the cultural
things that we've been talking

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about.
The female is always the object.

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The male is always the subject.
The object is the teacher, the

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00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:09,720
subject is the student.
That's not to say in a

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00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:14,000
relationship that we are solely
the object and solely the

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subject.
We alternate that role depending

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on subject matter in the
instance that we're dealing

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00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:23,120
with.
But the the master image is the

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male is always the subject, the
female is always the object.

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A lot of men myself can tend to
hold things until they explode.

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Yeah, so.
Why is that suppression a common

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way of dealing with stress?
Is is that strength?

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Is that your strength?
Yeah.

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This is strength.
I mean, I can't, I can't show

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weakness.
I have to be strong.

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I have to be superior in some
way.

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And so we, we, we fulfill our
role by holding that inside.

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But it's not until we begin to
learn to be vulnerable with

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00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:10,800
ourselves, not anything outside
of us with ourselves, that we

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00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:14,880
begin to heal.
So a level of authenticity and

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00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:19,080
vulnerability with the self is
enough to heal and release

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00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:20,600
stress.
Stress and bring on our

285
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:22,440
awakening.
Only thing we can change is

286
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:26,960
ourselves and in order to change
you have to become a vulnerable.

287
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:29,040
You have to, you have to learn
to be honest with yourself.

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00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,160
What we actually seek, we
perceive that we seek love.

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00:19:33,200 --> 00:19:35,920
What we actually seek is
intimacy.

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00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:40,880
Now we are we are taught that
you can be intimate with another

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00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:46,640
person, but to be intimate with
another person you have to be

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00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:49,080
able essentially know what they
feel, which we cannot.

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00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:52,080
It is beyond our capacity.
In this range of consciousness,

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00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:58,480
we can feel what's inside of us
and we can learn through total

295
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:01,560
honesty.
Intimacy is nothing more than

296
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:03,600
total honesty.
Total honesty.

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00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:08,480
When we reach that point, then
we can reciprocate with a

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00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:13,600
harmonic resonance with someone
else that has also achieved the

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00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:18,440
same level of awareness that we
have, that feeling of intimacy

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00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,640
with another person which is in
our future.

301
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:24,400
What are some of the What are
some of the symptoms of

302
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:29,880
unresolved stress in men?
Physical difficulties, heart,

303
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:37,400
heart problems, gastrointestinal
problems, PTSD, osteoporosis,

304
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:42,320
that it, it depends on how we
have stored that stress because

305
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:46,600
our storage of stress is
geographic within the body.

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00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:51,360
And so someone who is
experiencing lot of heart

307
00:20:51,360 --> 00:20:57,280
problems is that you can always,
always count on that being the

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00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:00,720
thought of lack of love, which
is the lack of intimacy.

309
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:04,160
We have gastrointestinal
problems, you have stomach

310
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:10,520
problems, that's often fear and
a guilt, shame, things of that

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00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:14,000
nature.
When we have throat problems,

312
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:18,520
excess responsibility, things of
that nature, you know, if you

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00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,640
look generationally,
generationally if you look at

314
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:25,360
people and what Tom Brokaw
defined as the greatest

315
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:29,800
generation and what is that?
What was a common characteristic

316
00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:33,160
of that generation is Stoop's
shoulders as they got older.

317
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,800
And if you consider what they
contended with, they contended

318
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:42,000
with depression, with World War
2, tremendous responsibility not

319
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,520
only for themselves but their
family and all of the the world

320
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:48,360
really.
And stooped shoulders and bent

321
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:51,280
spines were characteristic,
which is the weight of the

322
00:21:52,120 --> 00:21:56,680
stress that they were carrying.
So you mentioned the key to an

323
00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:59,400
awakening is our own
self-awareness.

324
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:04,160
How might a man listening to
this begin that journey of

325
00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,840
becoming more aware?
Spending some time in

326
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:14,320
introspection and learning to be
honest with themselves.

327
00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:18,200
And the process of healing is
actually a 2 step process and

328
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,680
it's the same for everybody,
whether you're male or female or

329
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,880
whatever.
All the experiences that we've

330
00:22:23,880 --> 00:22:28,120
had in a lifetime are purposeful
in that they bring us the

331
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:33,280
opportunity to learn.
Now what we can learn about is

332
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:38,880
ourselves in relation to people,
places, and things we perceive

333
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:41,480
that I can learn about other
people, I can learn about

334
00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:45,400
things, and so on and so forth.
The reality is we are a

335
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,640
participant in every
relationship, whether person,

336
00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:53,560
place, or thing that we have.
We cannot exclude ourselves from

337
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:59,600
those interactions.
It is ourselves that we can

338
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:02,800
learn about, that we can become
familiar with.

339
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:10,080
And being aware of that allows
us to learn to invert that

340
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:13,080
awareness from outside of
ourselves, inside of ourselves.

341
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,160
And how am I feeling?
Your whole, your whole podcast

342
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:21,560
is about real men who feel.
And so learning to be aware of

343
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:26,880
what it is that you're feeling
brings your awareness inside.

344
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,960
Now that is a, that is an
endless deep process.

345
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,320
It's not a matter of, Oh yeah, I
did that for 10 minutes.

346
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:33,960
I got it figured out kind of
thing.

347
00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:38,920
It is a lifelong process.
But as you do that and as you

348
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:44,320
heal, then what fills that void
automatically is happiness.

349
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:46,960
Happiness is not something that
you can get.

350
00:23:46,960 --> 00:23:48,920
It's not something that you can
give.

351
00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:53,360
It is something that you are.
And so if you think of happiness

352
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:58,280
as the, the ocean wave that's
flowing into the shore, and when

353
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:02,120
it hits the shore, it fills all
the gaps, all the crevices, all

354
00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:04,760
the, the holes in the, the
shore.

355
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:10,760
It doesn't have to be dispensed.
Each little corner and nook and

356
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:14,360
cranny in the shore, it
automatically fills those voids.

357
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:18,880
And that's what happiness does.
When we surrender this what's

358
00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:22,760
called emotional baggage, which
means we have learned the

359
00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:26,320
lessons from the message, from
the experiences that we've had

360
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:31,440
up to that point and resolve
those unresolved lessons that we

361
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:36,360
didn't learn, then we have
sufficient, more than sufficient

362
00:24:36,360 --> 00:24:39,880
awareness to become aware of the
beliefs that we've incorporated

363
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:44,200
into our false identity that we
are obligated to create.

364
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:48,320
And when we begin to throw out
those beliefs that no longer

365
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:53,200
serve us, then that greatly
escalates our awareness and

366
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,880
greatly escalates our experience
of happiness.

367
00:24:56,600 --> 00:25:00,800
So it really seems like there's
a very spiritual essence to

368
00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:02,760
stress.
It's like our soul is trying to

369
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:05,280
tell us things so that we can
get to our natural state of

370
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:08,000
happiness.
Yes, and it'll hit you in the

371
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,440
head with the two before once if
you get the lesson that you

372
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:12,960
don't have to do that again.
But most of us, we have that

373
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:15,600
tendency to just keep bopping
ourselves in the head with the

374
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:18,160
same 2 before.
And that is the difference

375
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:21,840
between stress and suffering.
Hitting yourself in the head one

376
00:25:21,840 --> 00:25:24,800
time with the two before and
learning the lesson is stress.

377
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:28,520
Continuing to bop yourself in
the head with the same 2 before

378
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:33,720
is suffering.
What leads someone to ignore

379
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:36,160
stress and let it become
suffering?

380
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:39,600
Fear because you have to choose
yourself.

381
00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:43,960
You have to change yourself.
If I'm not who I think I am,

382
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:47,160
then who the hell am I?
And my perception of self is?

383
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:48,960
This is false.
It's always false.

384
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:55,360
Our authentic self is always
underneath our perception of of

385
00:25:55,360 --> 00:26:00,240
self, and if you think of the
authentic self as the gold and

386
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:03,120
you bury the gold in the ground,
you piled a bunch of trash on

387
00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:06,000
top of it.
You want to get to the gold, so

388
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:09,040
you got to get rid of the trash
and then dig a little bit of

389
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:11,200
depth to get the gold back out
of the ground.

390
00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:16,600
All the stuff that causes us
perpetual stress or perpetuates

391
00:26:16,600 --> 00:26:20,080
our stress is the trash that we
have piled on top of our

392
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:24,560
authentic self.
And so our our authentic self is

393
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,680
a state of happiness.
It's in a state of bliss.

394
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:33,040
Bliss is perfect happiness.
What are the signs if if a man

395
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:35,760
is just completely unaware this
is all just new to them?

396
00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:39,960
What are the signs that they are
operating from love or from

397
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:45,280
fear?
Well, love, Let me qualify this.

398
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:47,560
We perceive love to be an
emotion.

399
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:51,440
We perceive love to be something
that we can give or get.

400
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,520
Love is not a commodity.
It's not something that I can

401
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:58,640
give or get.
Love is the condition of being

402
00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:02,040
that we are in.
It is our natural state of being

403
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:06,160
and what we are evolving
towards, which we will begin to

404
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:11,280
experience after we become
awareness, after we evolve to

405
00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:14,720
the next range of consciousness.
And just like we are tasked with

406
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,760
becoming awareness at this range
of consciousness, we will be

407
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:21,200
tasked with becoming love in the
next range of consciousness.

408
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:27,960
What we get in this lifetime,
this range of consciousness is a

409
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:31,600
peek behind the curtain.
Every time that we have felt

410
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:35,280
love in our lives, it is not
because we have gotten love from

411
00:27:35,280 --> 00:27:37,720
the person, place, or thing that
we're interacting with.

412
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:42,160
It is because we have felt so
comfortable with that person,

413
00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:45,960
place or thing that we have been
willing to temporarily surrender

414
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:50,080
the authenticity of this
identity that we've created.

415
00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:54,040
And we felt who we already are.
And that's why it's not, we

416
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:57,160
don't feel it constantly because
as soon as we get past that

417
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:02,400
temporary interaction, then we
immediately bring back up this

418
00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:05,840
false identity.
And that's the face, the facade

419
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:08,960
that we, that's our perception
of self that we again put out

420
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:12,920
there for the world around us.
Every relationship, every

421
00:28:13,560 --> 00:28:17,320
marital relationship, we the,
the, the person that we choose

422
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:22,440
to to to marry.
We choose out of love.

423
00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:28,600
But if we don't define it as
love because we feel so

424
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:32,120
comfortable with this person
that we're willing to more

425
00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:36,120
frequently surrender this false
perception of self, all the

426
00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:39,280
people we date, you know, we
may, you know, really like

427
00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:42,280
hanging out with Susie Q or
whatever, You know, we dated for

428
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:44,320
three or four years, but she's
not the one.

429
00:28:44,920 --> 00:28:49,560
I don't feel that with her.
And I may like being with her,

430
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:55,040
but she doesn't allow me to
surrender this false perception

431
00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:57,960
of self.
Nearly a mutt enough to spend

432
00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:01,000
that time.
When a relationship, a marital

433
00:29:01,080 --> 00:29:03,760
relationship, or a long term
relationship breaks down, the

434
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:08,480
only reason that it breaks down
is 1 or both of the participants

435
00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:12,760
have slipped back into that
false identity and they're no

436
00:29:12,760 --> 00:29:16,400
longer allowing themselves to be
that authentic self with the

437
00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:19,160
other person.
This next range of

438
00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:23,800
consciousness, when we truly
experience our ourselves as as

439
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:27,960
love and as happiness, is that
beyond the human experience or

440
00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:29,480
is that possible here?
It is beyond.

441
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:32,320
OK, Yeah.
We're under an evolutionary

442
00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:34,920
track which is synonymous with
the Enlightenment path.

443
00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:39,440
And So what has been so
strategic in the teachings of

444
00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:43,600
our historical spiritual
leaders, as well as those today

445
00:29:43,920 --> 00:29:47,680
is the importance of the
Enlightenment path, because that

446
00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:51,120
is the experiences along the
path are immutable.

447
00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:55,800
There's it will feel exactly the
same for you when we achieve a

448
00:29:55,800 --> 00:29:59,080
certain degree of progress, as
it will for me and everyone

449
00:29:59,080 --> 00:30:01,920
else.
And what we are doing, what

450
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:07,000
allows us to be what what causes
us to be, have the experiences

451
00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:12,760
that we do and to be
consciousness is our authentic

452
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:17,040
self, which is, and I'm going
you're way ahead of us here.

453
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:20,880
We are the one infinite creator
experiencing ourselves at this

454
00:30:20,880 --> 00:30:25,920
range of consciousness.
What allows us to experience

455
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:30,720
this range of consciousness is
our spirit is intoxicated with

456
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:33,800
free will.
That's what allows the all of

457
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:38,640
creation to exist.
Free will is a misnomer.

458
00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:42,440
It is not the choice of turning
right or turning left or eating

459
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:47,440
hot sandwich or cold sandwich
that is the result of free will.

460
00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:51,520
Free will is our perception of
separation, and because we

461
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:56,040
perceive ourselves as separate
from everybody and everything,

462
00:30:56,240 --> 00:31:01,640
we have choice, and that choice
is how we explore ourselves and

463
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:05,440
explore creation.
The whole process of evolution

464
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:08,080
and the whole process of the
Enlightenment path is

465
00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:14,360
incrementally surrendering our
perception of separation so that

466
00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:18,960
we can allow more of our
authentic self to emerge and

467
00:31:19,040 --> 00:31:21,880
dissolve our perception of
autonomy.

468
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:26,960
The whole process of evolution
is a greater integration into

469
00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:31,600
unity, which eventually
concludes with our full

470
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:35,080
awareness and dissolving any
perception of separation with

471
00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:37,200
the Creator.
All is 1.

472
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:40,880
There is no separation other
than our perception of

473
00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:45,200
separation.
So the ultimate evolution is we

474
00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:49,200
drop free will and we're all in
alignment with God's will.

475
00:31:49,880 --> 00:31:52,360
Well, we're not.
You're the the two quite

476
00:31:52,480 --> 00:31:56,320
problems for that question.
There's no longer a we, there's

477
00:31:56,320 --> 00:32:01,320
no multiples and there's no
reunification because we already

478
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:02,960
are.
We just don't perceive it as

479
00:32:02,960 --> 00:32:06,840
such.
So it's just dropping our

480
00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:08,960
perceptions of separation of
free will.

481
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:10,840
And then it's the natural state
is unity.

482
00:32:10,920 --> 00:32:15,920
Yes, I I love the depth of of
this and and your teachings and

483
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:17,200
work.
What?

484
00:32:17,200 --> 00:32:19,240
What's one thing that you wish
more men knew?

485
00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:23,560
That they don't have to be the
strongest guy in the room every

486
00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:27,720
time to allow them to to to
understand that they are

487
00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:31,560
learning by virtue of their
interactions, as is everyone

488
00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:33,200
else that they're interacting
with.

489
00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:37,760
And every time someone
challenges your authenticity,

490
00:32:38,520 --> 00:32:41,680
they are giving you a gift.
They are giving you the

491
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:45,960
opportunity to become aware of
what it is about yourself,

492
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:50,320
myself, that I need to become
aware of and surrender so that I

493
00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:54,320
can be more of my authentic self
and experience greater

494
00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:57,200
happiness.
But we are trained as men.

495
00:32:57,200 --> 00:32:59,840
I was, and I assume most every
other man was that.

496
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:03,080
No, you have to defend your
territory.

497
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,560
You have to defend your
identity.

498
00:33:05,560 --> 00:33:08,480
And that often ends up in
bellicosity.

499
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:12,120
Every war that has ever been
fought has been predicated upon

500
00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:17,480
that concept.
And so instead of resisting and

501
00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:20,240
battling back, certainly you
have to defend yourself.

502
00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:22,600
But you don't have to feel I'm
upset.

503
00:33:22,600 --> 00:33:24,720
So I'm going to beat the hell
out of you until you see how

504
00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:28,440
wonderful my identity is.
If if someone is listening to

505
00:33:28,440 --> 00:33:32,480
this and they're past this point
of past the point of stress that

506
00:33:32,480 --> 00:33:35,640
it is suffering and they're just
in a feeling that the constant

507
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:39,080
state of over overwhelm and
hopelessness, what's the best

508
00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:43,320
first step?
The first step for me was to

509
00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:45,280
beginning to beginning to
meditate.

510
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:51,880
And there's not a better tool.
It is proven for centuries, as

511
00:33:51,880 --> 00:33:55,600
long as we have recorded
history, the most productive

512
00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:59,200
tool for self healing and
awareness in in finding greater

513
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:05,040
happiness for most people.
And I teach this and I tell my

514
00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:07,240
students, it's difficult for
everybody.

515
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:12,639
Begin however you can begin.
I began with listening to guided

516
00:34:12,639 --> 00:34:15,320
meditations.
You'll reach a point where those

517
00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:18,600
guided meditations become a
distraction and you'll know that

518
00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:20,679
you've reached that plateau,
that point.

519
00:34:21,040 --> 00:34:24,760
So you'll, you'll go to other
things, you know, the candles

520
00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:28,639
and the gongs and stuff,
whatever gets you into the mood

521
00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:33,360
of meditation until you go
through that and you no longer

522
00:34:33,360 --> 00:34:35,440
need that.
Those are just permission slips

523
00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:41,760
to allow yourself to slip into
that that inward feeling until

524
00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:43,639
you you can just sit down and
meditate.

525
00:34:43,639 --> 00:34:46,440
You sit down in the middle of
Times Square and just have a

526
00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:51,000
great meditation because you can
shut out all of the stimulus

527
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:54,520
that's coming in both physically
and mentally and learn to take

528
00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:57,240
control of your thoughts.
Most people have the

529
00:34:57,240 --> 00:35:00,880
misperception that the objective
of meditation is to stop your

530
00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:02,560
thoughts.
Well, you can't stop your

531
00:35:02,560 --> 00:35:04,760
thoughts.
There's no way that you can

532
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:06,400
stop.
If you were able to stop your

533
00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:09,560
thoughts, you would move out of
time because time is nothing

534
00:35:09,560 --> 00:35:13,640
more than our incessant
processing of thoughts.

535
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:16,880
It's beyond our capacity at this
range of consciousness.

536
00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:23,040
But what I tell my students is
when you meditate, you allow

537
00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:25,440
yourselves to go into the guru's
cave.

538
00:35:25,480 --> 00:35:29,240
We exist in the village.
In the village are all problems.

539
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:34,040
When we learn to meditate, we
allow ourselves a daily retreat

540
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:36,760
into the guru's cave.
And there are no problems in the

541
00:35:36,760 --> 00:35:40,120
guru's cave.
And mindfulness is nothing more

542
00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:43,640
than learning to take that
awareness and that condition of

543
00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:46,680
being that you learn in the
guru's cave with you back into

544
00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:51,880
the village so that you're no
longer engrossed in the problems

545
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:56,120
that exist in the village.
And when you do that, then you

546
00:35:56,520 --> 00:36:00,880
have become awareness.
You have become in control of

547
00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:04,480
yourself.
You've healed in you're no

548
00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:06,680
longer trigger.
You've healed that emotional

549
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:10,400
baggage that we talked about,
and you've significantly begin

550
00:36:10,400 --> 00:36:14,280
to throw off those beliefs that
you've incorporated into this

551
00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:18,480
ego mind, this ego that
perpetuate your attraction of

552
00:36:18,480 --> 00:36:20,880
experiences that highlight what
needs to be.

553
00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:24,640
Healed well, that sure puts a
new spin on it Takes a village

554
00:36:25,080 --> 00:36:27,760
for me and.
Well, it takes a village to give

555
00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:30,520
you experiences, Yeah.
And it's only through those

556
00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:33,800
experiences that you learn what
you need to learn about yourself

557
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,440
in order to heal.
They often tell people the only

558
00:36:36,440 --> 00:36:39,600
wrong way to meditate is not to.
Yeah, absolutely.

559
00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:42,960
Beautiful, Dean, again, I find
this this has been a fascinating

560
00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:45,560
conversation.
What's the best way for people

561
00:36:45,560 --> 00:36:47,760
to connect with you and learn
about everything that you're up

562
00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:51,080
to?
Well, I have a website that has

563
00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:54,480
all my contact information as
well as the the work that I've

564
00:36:54,480 --> 00:37:00,160
produced D the initial D
deangraves.org, alloneword.org

565
00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:05,720
and I have 4 books, all of which
are on consciousness and

566
00:37:05,720 --> 00:37:09,240
designed to guide you along this
process.

567
00:37:09,240 --> 00:37:12,520
The most recent book that's
available from your favorite

568
00:37:12,520 --> 00:37:16,440
bookstore, The Enigma of
Consciousness, a spiritual

569
00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:19,360
exploration of humanity's
relationship to creation.

570
00:37:20,080 --> 00:37:22,440
And it covers, it's, it's my
compendium book.

571
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:26,280
It covers all of this that we've
talked about as well as defining

572
00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:31,080
the the Herophant and how that
serves as the basis of our

573
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:35,440
experiences.
I have two podcasts that I do,

574
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:40,640
chatting with the Arcturians and
Simple Enlightenment, and those

575
00:37:40,640 --> 00:37:43,680
again are all about
consciousness and defining where

576
00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:47,520
we are as a population.
We are at a significant

577
00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:53,400
transformation point and if you
think things have been hectic

578
00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:56,120
for the last 100 years, you
ain't seen nothing yet.

579
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:01,240
What is supposed to transpire in
the next 5 to 10 years is the

580
00:38:01,240 --> 00:38:03,680
equivalent of what has
transpired in the last 100

581
00:38:03,680 --> 00:38:07,200
years.
And so we are being compelled,

582
00:38:07,200 --> 00:38:09,600
we're being motivated in order
to move forward.

583
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:12,880
May you live in interesting
times, right that the blessing

584
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:13,520
or the.
Curse.

585
00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:15,360
There you are.
Awesome.

586
00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:16,880
Yeah.
Thanks so much for your time

587
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:19,520
Dean and and all all your work
and service.

588
00:38:20,000 --> 00:38:22,600
Thanks everyone for listening.
That was Dean Graves offering a

589
00:38:22,600 --> 00:38:25,320
radically compassionate and
empowering take on stress.

590
00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:28,200
Stress is not weakness, it's a
message.

591
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:31,760
And when we listen to it with
curiosity instead of fear, we

592
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:34,200
can start to move from survival
to serenity.

593
00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:37,440
If this episode spoke to you,
please share it with another man

594
00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:39,800
who needs to hear it.
And remember, real strength

595
00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:43,320
includes feeling, healing, and
choosing love over fear.

596
00:38:44,160 --> 00:38:46,360
Until next time, be good to
yourself.