Unlocking Intimacy: Destroying Sex Myths After 50!

1
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,960
Midlife is really an opportunity
to change the narrative that you

2
00:00:03,960 --> 00:00:06,480
had.
It's an opportunity to try new

3
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:08,920
things.
Like nobody's, I mean, and if

4
00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:10,960
they are judging you, like who
cares?

5
00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:14,160
Like you've got this much,
you've lived half your life in a

6
00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:16,920
certain way.
Like why not now open it up and

7
00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:20,760
live it in a in a different way.
It's your life to choose.

8
00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:24,160
It's your sex to choose.
Hello and welcome to Real Men

9
00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,200
Feel.
I'm your host, Andy Grant, and

10
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:29,640
today we're diving into a topic
that often gets brushed aside,

11
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:33,200
sex and aging.
Our guest today is Karen Bigman,

12
00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:36,560
founder of Taboo to Truth, where
she helps people navigate

13
00:00:36,560 --> 00:00:39,360
intimacy, pleasure and
self-expression as they grow

14
00:00:39,360 --> 00:00:41,800
older.
Karen is breaking down the myths

15
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:45,400
and stigma around sexuality and
midlife and beyond, showing us

16
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:48,080
that aging doesn't mean the end
of desire or connection.

17
00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,040
It can actually be a new
beginning.

18
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:52,960
And if you're looking for
supportive community, check out

19
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,120
Authentic AF, my free online
community at

20
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:59,440
realmenfield.org/group.
Let's do it.

21
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,200
Hello Karen, and welcome to Real
Men Field.

22
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:08,160
Hi, thank you for having me.
So you focus on sex and aging.

23
00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:12,360
Is this something that have you
always been a sex therapist and

24
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:15,960
the aging came on as just as you
were aging or is this a late in

25
00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,160
life interest or you know, how
did you enter peer?

26
00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:20,640
So first of all, I'm not a sex
therapist.

27
00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:23,400
I'm actually just a sex, just
not just because it's quite

28
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:25,280
encouragement too.
I'm, I'm a certified sex

29
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,360
educator and a coach.
I do sex and relationship

30
00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:30,960
coaching for men and women.
So the therapist, I mean, I

31
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:33,920
think you know, in this, in this
field, many of us are

32
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:37,240
therapeutic because there's so
many challenges with sex and

33
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:38,960
aging.
But this actually, it was

34
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:43,520
something that I became sort of
more sex aware and sex positive

35
00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:45,360
as I started to go through
menopause.

36
00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:48,560
And I'm happy to talk about the
the challenges that I faced.

37
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,720
And then about a little less
than 10 years later, as I was

38
00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:56,040
turning 60, I was getting all
these messages that, you know, I

39
00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:58,000
thought women at this age didn't
like sex anymore.

40
00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:01,680
I thought, you know, like that,
that after menopause, you know,

41
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:03,280
that's no good.
It's terrible.

42
00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:04,760
You shouldn't, you shouldn't
even try as you give up.

43
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:07,920
And I had quite a different
experience.

44
00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:10,800
And So what was going on in my
life and, and I just decided

45
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:14,440
that I would start talking about
my journey and my challenges.

46
00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:16,640
And the more I talk about it,
the more people are interested

47
00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:19,600
in hearing about it because it
really is something that we get

48
00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:23,560
these messages that once we're
all that, you know, our, our

49
00:02:23,880 --> 00:02:26,440
reproductive years are over.
So, you know, and it doesn't

50
00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:28,360
work.
Women don't work anymore and men

51
00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:30,480
are starting to get erectile
dysfunction, all these things

52
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:32,880
and like sex, just like, let's
just take it off the table.

53
00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:37,520
And I say hell no.
All right, so So what are some

54
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:41,320
of the biggest myths out there
around aging and sexuality?

55
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:44,880
The first is that you need to
give up on sex.

56
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:47,280
So there's this.
I would say one of the bigger

57
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,920
ones is like use it or lose it,
which often as as we age,

58
00:02:50,920 --> 00:02:52,880
certainly in long term
relationships, there's a lot of

59
00:02:52,880 --> 00:02:54,600
people are are more comfortable
with each other.

60
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:58,480
There's less sex, there's less
novelty, and in fact that if you

61
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:01,600
have not had sex for a very long
time, often you don't want it

62
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,600
anymore or you feel like your
body isn't working.

63
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,720
It becomes painful, particularly
for women as they age.

64
00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:09,840
And the myth is that that means
it has to stop.

65
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:14,240
Because the truth of the matter
is there are ways sex changes as

66
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,240
we age.
Doesn't doesn't need to stop.

67
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,920
Everyone can have sex.
I've recently heard a doctor

68
00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:23,160
telling me she has two female
patients that are 96 years old

69
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:26,600
that are sexually active.
So we we shouldn't, there's no

70
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:29,160
reason to give up.
But what we really need to do,

71
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,640
what we need to understand is
that sex isn't going to look the

72
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:36,880
same AT506070 as it did when you
were 20-30 and even 40.

73
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:41,480
And to understand that it will
look and feel different and that

74
00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:45,160
the approach to it needs to be
different really helps how we

75
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:47,960
approach it and and help sort of
debunk that myth.

76
00:03:48,600 --> 00:03:53,000
Why do you think society and
culture avoids discussions about

77
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,520
sex and aging?
Particularly in in North

78
00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:59,040
America, I'm sure, And this is
true around the world as well.

79
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:02,200
But for the most part, we are
not taught how to talk about

80
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,840
sex.
We're not taught about our body

81
00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:06,360
parts.
The sex education in the United

82
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,240
States, and I grew up in Canada,
it wasn't much better, is

83
00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:13,320
absolutely abysmal.
I think it's 33 out of the 50 or

84
00:04:13,320 --> 00:04:16,399
51 states I can't remember
because I didn't grow up here,

85
00:04:16,600 --> 00:04:20,040
have mandated sex education.
And it does not have to be

86
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:23,120
medically accurate.
So if you think about that, a

87
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:25,880
lot of states actually teach
abstinence.

88
00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:28,400
They're not required to use the
proper language.

89
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:31,240
They're not.
I mean, I did not know that my

90
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,840
genitals were a vulva, not a
vagina, because most people

91
00:04:34,840 --> 00:04:38,120
think of a female, female down
there, if you will, as the

92
00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,680
vagina, which is not the case.
It's actually the vulva.

93
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,680
So this was something that I
learned later in life.

94
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:46,160
So we don't have the language.
If if we had sex education, it

95
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:48,400
was probably very minimal.
It was about don't, don't get

96
00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:52,040
pregnant and don't get an STI.
It was very male focused, very

97
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,480
male pleasure focused.
Sex is over when you have an

98
00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:55,960
orgasm, when a man has an
orgasm.

99
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:58,680
So all these messages that we're
taught throughout life and then

100
00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:00,960
sex is something that you have
behind closed doors.

101
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:05,600
And so how do we ever talk about
it if we're not, if we're taught

102
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:07,720
that we're not supposed to,
we're supposed to shy away from

103
00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:10,240
it.
I saw, I went to this course,

104
00:05:10,240 --> 00:05:13,080
which is, it's called a sexual
attitude reassessment.

105
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:16,640
A lot of doctors go to it helps
doctors become more aware of

106
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:18,360
different practices and
sexuality.

107
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:21,960
And, and they, they, they want
doctors to be open to whoever

108
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:24,800
comes into their office.
And I, I went as an educator and

109
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:29,600
they showed a, a video of a
bunch of young kids under 10 as

110
00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:31,840
their parents tried to teach
them about sex.

111
00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:36,080
And what was totally shocking to
me was that these kids were

112
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:39,320
already by that age, I mean,
some of them must have been 5678

113
00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,960
were so embarrassed when their
parents tried to tell them about

114
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,280
sex.
So that is the message we're

115
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:47,000
taught like sex is something
embarrassing, but guess what?

116
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:50,320
Somebody, for the most part not.
I mean, now we can have babies

117
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:53,280
different ways, but most of you
came onto this earth because of

118
00:05:53,280 --> 00:05:56,000
sex.
So we need to change that

119
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:57,800
narrative to start when kids are
young.

120
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:01,520
Is that modern society?
Is that human society?

121
00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,040
Like, yeah, what?
Like everyone giggles.

122
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,000
Every sitcom is like, oh,
parents talk about sex or

123
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,920
grandparents, God forbid they
talk about sex.

124
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,640
Yeah, it's just horrible
shameful thing.

125
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,920
Or maybe it's not shameful.
It's just, yeah, what?

126
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:14,160
What is our what?
What is it about our

127
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,200
uncomfortability with it as a
subject?

128
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:20,240
I would, you know, I have not
done any research into the

129
00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:24,680
history of sex, but the bit that
I know I like back in Roman and

130
00:06:24,680 --> 00:06:27,960
Greek times, sex was just, you
know, they had wild orgies and

131
00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,800
parties and men, oh, man, man, a
woman, like it didn't matter.

132
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:35,240
It was just part of the culture.
And I think as I understand it,

133
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,480
as the Catholic Church became
more and more involved or as the

134
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,880
church in general became more
and more involved in creating

135
00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:46,080
culture somewhere they, it's
suggested in the Bible, I guess,

136
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,080
that it's supposed to be between
a man and a woman.

137
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:51,800
And it's only for the purposes
of I haven't studied religion,

138
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:54,000
so I don't want to claim
something I don't know, but for

139
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,200
the purposes of, of making
babies of procreating.

140
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,160
So that's, that's what culture
and society tells us.

141
00:06:59,160 --> 00:07:02,640
That's what we what we learn.
And what's been also kind of

142
00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,240
fascinating for me, and I
noticed it a little more lately,

143
00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,200
is I've been doing this work
now, I'm actually coming up on

144
00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,440
my 2 year anniversary for my
podcast this week.

145
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:14,200
And I have really gotten to know
this very sex positive community

146
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:18,600
that is very welcoming.
And they, they range in, in what

147
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,520
their practices are, how they
identify, what they talk about.

148
00:07:22,080 --> 00:07:25,840
And I forget that when I get
back to most people that they

149
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:28,480
don't, they're like, whoa, what
are you talking about, Karen?

150
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:31,040
Like, calm down about that.
Like, let's just just to say

151
00:07:31,040 --> 00:07:33,640
down there instead of vagina,
let's not call it a penis, let's

152
00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:35,400
call it, you know, a Dick or
whatever.

153
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:41,040
So it it really is something
that that we we can learn to

154
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:45,640
embrace, but we don't.
Now so many men at at all ages

155
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:51,520
tie their sense of identity to
sexual performance and virility.

156
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:55,280
How do you help men redefine
that as they age?

157
00:07:56,120 --> 00:08:00,960
It's interesting because we, we
talk a lot about how sex changes

158
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,640
for women as they go through
menopause.

159
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:06,200
And I think the reason we, we
identify it so much is that it's

160
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,920
this sort of dramatic change.
What happens with men is it's a

161
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:14,520
much more gradual change,
although statistically 40% of

162
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,520
men in their 40s will have ED-50
in their 50s, etcetera.

163
00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:22,440
So performance will change.
And I, I interviewed this sex

164
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:25,560
educator a couple of weeks ago
and she was talking about how

165
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:30,560
men are taught to, to show
themselves as men to, to man up,

166
00:08:30,560 --> 00:08:33,760
to become masculine, to show up
in a masculine way where women

167
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:35,440
are just women.
We're, I mean, we have our other

168
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:38,200
challenges, but nobody looks at
us and says you need to woman

169
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:41,679
up.
So men are identified with this

170
00:08:41,679 --> 00:08:45,160
like sex and men has to do with
penis and vagina and

171
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:47,600
ejaculating.
So if there's any issue that

172
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:51,200
affects that, then automatically
it means there's something wrong

173
00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:52,520
with me.
I'm not a man anymore.

174
00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:57,000
And if you ask a bunch of men in
a room who are in their 50s and

175
00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,160
60s, and I will say from the
experiences I've had dating,

176
00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:03,280
I've been single for four years
now and I'm 62 and I've dated

177
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:08,600
men from 54 to like 65 maybe.
And for the ones that I've

178
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:12,120
gotten intimate with, every
single one of them has had

179
00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:14,560
performance issues.
Every single one from one form

180
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:18,280
or another, whether it was they
needed Viagra or Cialis, whether

181
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:23,040
it was that they had shame, some
sort of sexual shame from from

182
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:27,440
growing up in religious
backgrounds, or they just were

183
00:09:27,440 --> 00:09:30,160
intimidated because they hadn't
had sex in a long time.

184
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:34,600
It's it's happening to, to all
to many men.

185
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,440
So why not just say, OK, like
women are dealing with it.

186
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:42,160
We're learning how to navigate
sex differently as we age.

187
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,880
Men should be just as
comfortable doing that.

188
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:48,760
And that I might guess an
unusual person in that way where

189
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:51,760
I'm like, hey, it's OK, look,
you're having a problem.

190
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,400
Let's work with it.
You know, like this is what it

191
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,080
is.
But I would say that that many

192
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:57,680
men feel like, you know, I'm,
I'm not pleasing her like this

193
00:09:57,680 --> 00:10:01,280
is like I'm a failure if I can't
get it up or, or if you know

194
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:03,560
something, I can't ejaculate or
whatever the issue is.

195
00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:08,120
So there's more to sex than
intercourse and ejaculation.

196
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:13,840
As a matter of fact, there is.
So I I think that's, that's like

197
00:10:13,840 --> 00:10:17,080
the first, I would say one of
the first big pieces.

198
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:21,200
I mean, you want to check with
your doctor is there erectile

199
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:25,120
dysfunction is one of the can be
an indicator of cardiovascular

200
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,400
issues because the veins to or
the arteries rather to the penis

201
00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:31,160
are the smallest in the body.
So if you are having erectile

202
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,240
dysfunction like thing one is
you want to make sure that

203
00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,600
there's nothing wrong that you
don't have any medical issues.

204
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,680
And if you do, then of course
you want to address those.

205
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,960
But the next thing is to start
to look at sex in a bigger

206
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:45,800
picture as pleasure as opposed
to just intercourse, and try to

207
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:50,720
define it as something that is
an intimate experience between

208
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,640
you and your partner.
That does not always have to

209
00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:57,080
include intercourse, because
there are a lot of ways to have

210
00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:00,440
fun and to pleasure each other
that doesn't involve sticking a

211
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:04,400
penis in a vagina.
So you mentioned that men go

212
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,640
through changes as well as the
age.

213
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:10,000
So is there a kind of male
version of menopause?

214
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:14,240
That their testosterone does
decrease, it's just at a slower

215
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:17,240
level.
So I would say that that would

216
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:20,360
be about the equivalent dealing
with issues.

217
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:23,000
An erectile dysfunction is not
just an ability to have an

218
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,800
orgasm, it's also an ability to
to ejaculate.

219
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:29,520
It's also, I would call there's
something called Peroni's

220
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:32,560
disease, which is a curvature of
the penis that can happen

221
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:36,160
sometimes during rough sex, a
man will get a fracture in the

222
00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:38,600
penis and of course many are
embarrassed to ever deal with

223
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,120
it.
And over time what happens is

224
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:42,640
there, I guess the
calcifications form or something

225
00:11:42,640 --> 00:11:44,520
and the penis starts to curve
and that can be extremely

226
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:47,960
painful both for the, for the
penis owner and for the for the

227
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,760
vulva owner.
So those are things that can

228
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:53,400
that can happen.
We mentioned intimacy and

229
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,760
emotional intimacy.
Does that become more important

230
00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,160
as as couples age?
I think it's important,

231
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,120
regardless of where you are, I
think that, you know, again,

232
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:05,800
back to that we need a man up.
We're not allowed to show our

233
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,360
emotions.
That to me, the sexiest thing in

234
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,760
a man is that he shows
vulnerability and he admits that

235
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:12,200
like, I don't know it all.
I can.

236
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:15,120
I'm not emotionally shut down
that I actually, you know, I,

237
00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:18,720
I'm not looking for a man who's,
you know, bubbling idiot who's

238
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:20,440
crying all the time.
I mean that, you know, you

239
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,240
probably have more issues going
on if that's the case, but I do

240
00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:25,720
want to know how, how are you
feeling?

241
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,720
What, what do you think?
How, how, if it comes when it

242
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:31,320
comes to sex?
Like let's talk about what, what

243
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,160
do you like how, you know, what
are the things that turn you on?

244
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,880
What are the things, you know,
asking me?

245
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,120
What are the things that turn me
on?

246
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:39,760
How can we navigate?
I mean, I have like back issues

247
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,760
and like, I don't bend the way I
used to look.

248
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:45,400
How can we work through this and
being comfortable and, and, and

249
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:49,400
knowing that, like when you show
no vulnerability, when you ask,

250
00:12:49,400 --> 00:12:52,920
when you show that you really
care, like that is going to make

251
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,960
the sex that much better than
just saying, OK, I know, I know

252
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,320
what to do.
We get in the bedroom and we're

253
00:12:57,320 --> 00:12:59,160
going to like, you know, start
with the kissing, then maybe the

254
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:00,800
Laurel, and then we're going to
end up in, you know, penis

255
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,080
vagina and then I ejaculate and
it's over.

256
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,600
I mean that that script.
Let's get rid of it.

257
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,960
Yeah, it's it's, it's more than
just an exercise routine with a

258
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,440
partner.
Exactly.

259
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:13,640
Exactly.
So is there any special advice

260
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:18,120
you have for people that are or
dating again after long

261
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:22,640
relationships or marriages?
The first thing I would say is

262
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:26,760
deal with your shit.
Like don't go from a long

263
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:29,040
relationship and then the next
day get into another

264
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,720
relationship because you will
repeat whatever the mistakes

265
00:13:31,720 --> 00:13:32,960
were.
You'll end up with the same

266
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:36,120
person again or you'll end up in
a in a worse relationship that

267
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,920
you can't get out of.
Take the time to work on

268
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:42,840
yourself, figure out like what
was it that what was my role and

269
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,640
why this relationship broke down
and what is it in this person

270
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,320
that I saw thought that I chose
them and how do I choose

271
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:52,120
differently this time?
So that is thing one thing two,

272
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,360
you know, I just had a
conversation with a guy.

273
00:13:54,360 --> 00:13:57,280
He we met on one of the apps and
he said, just letting you know,

274
00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,600
I was in a 32 year marriage.
I've been single for six months.

275
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,520
We're separated and I'm like, go
get laid.

276
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:06,160
Go like go have, I mean, do it
safely, make sure that you're

277
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,960
doing it, you know, with consent
and with and, and with safety.

278
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,240
But go have some fun, have some
sex.

279
00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,600
If you've been in a long
relationship, chances are that

280
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:16,040
at least towards the end of your
relationship, there wasn't a lot

281
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,280
of sex.
Go have some fun, go learn what

282
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,480
you like.
Go, go teach your body how to

283
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:24,320
respond again and understand
what it's like to be in a sexual

284
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:27,040
intimate relationship.
And that also comes with the

285
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,720
working on yourself and, and,
and, and feeling more confident

286
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:34,080
and, and just being aware of
what, what things trigger you

287
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,160
and what things that you want to
have in your life that you

288
00:14:37,160 --> 00:14:41,400
didn't have in the past.
So and for people that in long

289
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:44,480
term relationships been, you
know, relationships for decades,

290
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:49,080
you make it sound like they all
sex Peters out for everybody.

291
00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:52,800
So is is there a way to keep a
healthy sex life in a long term

292
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,680
relationship?
As long as you accept that

293
00:14:55,680 --> 00:14:58,880
things change and you
communicate, I mean, the number

294
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:01,240
one thing you need to do is to
communicate with your partner.

295
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:05,400
And oftentimes either it's been
lousy sex, which is why it

296
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,680
stopped, or there have been
performance issues or pain

297
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:12,000
issues with for women.
And nobody wants to talk about

298
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:12,960
it.
Everybody's, you know, they're

299
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,360
thinking and he should know, she
should know, you know, like they

300
00:15:15,360 --> 00:15:18,200
should understand, Or it's like,
we just don't need it anymore.

301
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:22,120
So I, I say like, like, if it's
something that really bothers

302
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:25,560
either one or both of you, it
needs to be addressed by telling

303
00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:28,760
that person first.
Like I, we used to have a great

304
00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:30,480
sex life.
I loved our sex life.

305
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,600
You know, it, it it's we're
going to grow all together.

306
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:34,880
I love you.
I want to spend the rest of my

307
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:37,560
life with you.
How can we try to get things

308
00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:39,920
back on the right track?
And it might just be like, I

309
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:42,640
listened to this podcast today
and this woman was talking about

310
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,880
it.
And let's let's start by talking

311
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,640
about it.
And sometimes it involves just

312
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:51,520
having a, you know, I say like a
little bite of something or

313
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,160
giving, giving, I call them sex
snacks, like starting to do

314
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,360
something a little bit intimate
that that you haven't done for a

315
00:15:57,360 --> 00:15:59,800
long time.
John Gottman, who is one of the

316
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:04,480
relationship gurus, talks about
a six second kiss or a 22nd hug,

317
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:07,280
which release oxytocin.
So give your partner a hug,

318
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,760
touch them on the small of their
back, do something unusual for

319
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,000
them.
If you never brought, you know,

320
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,800
haven't brought them flowers in
a long time or buy a sex toy and

321
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,400
make, you know, have have fun
with with it.

322
00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,960
Try to bring back some form of
intimacy.

323
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,040
That doesn't mean like, let's,
let's get back in the bedroom

324
00:16:22,040 --> 00:16:23,880
and try to have intercourse
again because we haven't done it

325
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:25,760
in 20 years.
You got it.

326
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:29,080
You got to reintroduce reignite
the relationship.

327
00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:34,200
And oh, by the way, men are more
visual and tend to be able to

328
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:37,200
get it up much more easily.
So if they see something sexy,

329
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:39,320
perhaps they'll like they'll be
able to get it up.

330
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:41,800
But women need more novelty.
We need something that's going

331
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,840
to like get that, get those
those hormones going.

332
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:50,000
And so it takes some time to to
get back to the new kind of sex

333
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,960
that you're going to be having
at this point in your life.

334
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:56,680
Years ago I had AI believe a
marriage counselor on the show

335
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,840
and he was talking about sex
drives and saying that the

336
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:04,440
partner with the lowest sex
drive, what will will kind of

337
00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:10,079
drive the relationship sexually?
And I wonder does the sex drive

338
00:17:10,079 --> 00:17:15,200
does it can it flip between the
the man or the woman who who who

339
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,200
who has a harder sex drive or
not harder?

340
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,920
That's a bad word today.
Who has a higher higher sex

341
00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,319
drive and can that flip as as
people age?

342
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,839
I don't know that it can flip,
but it can change.

343
00:17:25,839 --> 00:17:27,520
And I think it depends on the
couple.

344
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,440
Like in in my case, I was the
one with the higher sex drive,

345
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,040
which you, you know, one thinks
it's always the man that that

346
00:17:33,040 --> 00:17:36,160
has a higher sex drive.
So I think it, it depends.

347
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:40,120
One has to learn if you are in a
relationship that that is

348
00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:43,840
monogamous and one of you wants
more sex than the other, then

349
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,480
you need to find ways to
accommodate the other person.

350
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:51,520
So if you don't want sex at all,
and your partner wants sex

351
00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:53,720
everyday, you're probably not
going to be compatible.

352
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:57,320
But there might be a way where
the person who doesn't want sex

353
00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:00,120
can somehow find a way to get a
little more intimate with the

354
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:02,840
person who wants it a lot.
And then the person that wants

355
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:06,800
it a lot will have to find other
ways to derive sexual pleasure,

356
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:10,880
whether it's through
masturbation or watching porn or

357
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:14,240
in an agreement with their
partner, finding ways outside of

358
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:16,040
the marriage.
That's, that's whether it's

359
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:19,720
opening it up and or bringing in
kink, kinky toys or what,

360
00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:22,200
whatever it is.
The other thing is, is with,

361
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,240
sometimes with the help of a of
a sex therapist trying to figure

362
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:28,280
out how to re engage with each
other.

363
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:31,320
And then I like, I've seen a lot
of couples as they get older

364
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:34,360
start just say, OK, like, like
we're, we're kind of bored with

365
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:36,360
each other.
Let's let's, let's try something

366
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:37,760
else.
Let's bring in a third.

367
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:41,080
Let's try swinging.
Let's go to a sex club.

368
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,640
Let's go to let's, let's do
something kinky.

369
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,440
You want to make sure you do
everything in a very healthy,

370
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:50,400
you know, consensual way with a
lot of communication, but it

371
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:52,960
could be a lot of fun to try to
do something new.

372
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:55,680
I mean that you see these
couples that like you just, you

373
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:59,400
just know that when they have a
really good sex life, you just

374
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,520
you can tell.
Because they're inviting you

375
00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:04,640
into it.
That's not my game, but I love.

376
00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,360
I'd love to hear when people do
it.

377
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:10,320
Like popular culture would tell
us that the older you get, the

378
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,400
less sex you have, but you're
kind of seeing the older you

379
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,600
get, the more experimental
people are becoming.

380
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:18,400
I think so I, if, if it's what
if you want sex to be a part of

381
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:20,880
your life and generally when
people are talking to me that's

382
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,680
it's because they want more sex
in their life, then yes,

383
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,360
absolutely.
You know, I, I, I occasionally

384
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,400
will go to something called a
munch, which is a social

385
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:33,680
gathering of people who are
kinky And I, I, I don't partake

386
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:35,720
at this point in my life.
I never say never because I'm

387
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,240
still new in this whole
community.

388
00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:40,680
But it's so interesting because
it's, it's this group of people

389
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,720
that meet for coffee or or
cocktail, whatever.

390
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:44,920
There's nothing is no play is
practice.

391
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,520
But they talk about the
different, they, they look for

392
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,760
other partners and get to know
them and they talk about the

393
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:51,480
different ways in which they
practice.

394
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:55,160
And it's just, it's a really
beautiful social community.

395
00:19:55,200 --> 00:19:58,880
Like everybody's just learning.
And I, I mean, I learned some

396
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:02,520
very interesting things and I.
Talk to some people that

397
00:20:02,560 --> 00:20:06,120
practice things that I didn't
even know existed, but like in a

398
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,800
million years I wouldn't touch.
But it's like, well, good for

399
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:11,440
you that you found something
that you enjoy at this point in

400
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:15,080
your life and that you know you
can do it without anybody

401
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:17,120
judging you if you're in this
community.

402
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,360
I wanted to ask, like, have you
discovered something that you

403
00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:22,560
had never even heard of before?
But so so then it's like you

404
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:26,720
have multiple things.
Yes, yes, I mean, one of the

405
00:20:26,720 --> 00:20:30,160
things that seems to be popular
these days is Electro play where

406
00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,760
you they use electric shock as a
form of pain, not just like

407
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:36,280
spanking.
And then this one, this one, I,

408
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:39,640
I interviewed A dominatrix and I
said, what's, you know, what are

409
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,560
the biggest things that people
ask for?

410
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:45,440
And the first was bondage and
the second was piss play.

411
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,320
People like to be peed on,
especially especially men.

412
00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:52,240
And like, I don't judge and I'm
like, I don't understand.

413
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,120
To me, it feels like yucky and
shit.

414
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:57,240
It's, it's a, it's a way of
being degraded.

415
00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:00,440
Like these men are generally in
very powerful positions and they

416
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:03,680
want to be just in a place where
they're completely degraded.

417
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:06,200
And this is a form of, of
degradation.

418
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:10,080
And I'm like, hey, if that it's
not necessarily sexual, but if

419
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:12,800
that works for you and it and
you enjoy it and nobody's

420
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:17,160
getting hurt and you like it,
hey, go do it.

421
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,480
Well, am I to tell you not to
just take a shower after?

422
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,880
Yeah, that's a that's a level of
emotional intimacy I I would not

423
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,560
consider either.
So, but yeah, good.

424
00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:31,440
Like you know how I make common
grounds with any guests or

425
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:33,960
anything that don't believe in
like is, is the goal to have

426
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,920
more fun in life?
Is the goal to have a good life

427
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,800
then then great.
If that's what it's doing for

428
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:38,440
you.
Super.

429
00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:40,120
Exactly.
Exactly.

430
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:44,000
So it sounds like you're saying
that people come to you the

431
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:45,280
most.
The reason most people come to

432
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,480
you is they want more sex and
they're trying to figure out

433
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:51,720
what changes have to happen for.
That or they're more more likely

434
00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:54,960
there's they're re entering the
dating world and they're like,

435
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:56,800
how do I navigate these
challenges?

436
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:59,200
Whether it's a woman who's
dealing with the menopause

437
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,880
issues or it's a man who's
dealing who's just afraid, Like

438
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:03,840
how do I get back out there with
confidence?

439
00:22:04,240 --> 00:22:06,400
That's typically who when
someone's going to want to talk

440
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,640
to me.
I don't do any hands on sex

441
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,280
coaching.
I mean, I have plenty of people

442
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:13,280
in my network that that do that
kind of work, but I might direct

443
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:16,560
somebody to someone or just try
to talk through like what really

444
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:18,200
is the issue here?
Is there a physical issue?

445
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:21,000
Is there an emotional issue?
Is there a relationship?

446
00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:24,320
You know, do you need to like
learn how to re engage with

447
00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:28,080
women again or with men again?
So that may be some of it.

448
00:22:28,760 --> 00:22:32,440
And with the men that you see,
is it more common, a physical

449
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,600
issue, a mindset issue?
Like, is there something that's

450
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:38,640
most common for you?
I think they're related.

451
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:44,000
When a man has a performance
issue at any point, it becomes a

452
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,800
psychological issue or an
emotional issue.

453
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:50,840
I have a partner that I, that I
play with whatever you want to

454
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,760
like a lover, whatever you want
to call him.

455
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:57,000
And like, in the beginning
things were great and, and I

456
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,440
don't see him that often.
But now when I see him, I know

457
00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:02,240
there's like, there's some guilt
that's going on with him, with

458
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:05,200
some other things going on in
his life and it affects us in

459
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,560
the bedroom.
And it's like now every time he

460
00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,280
has that in his head, like I
didn't perform last time, so am

461
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,760
I going to be able to perform
this time?

462
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,240
And so we have to kind of talk
it through like what is going on

463
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:16,960
here that's causing you to have
these issues?

464
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,640
Because we've had an amazing
time together.

465
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:22,080
And now it's of course it's
going to change over time

466
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:25,240
because you know, when a partner
that you've had for a while, but

467
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:28,120
there's definitely some
emotional issues that are, that

468
00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:31,560
are affecting how he is.
And so we, you have to just talk

469
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:32,920
about them, you have to deal
with them.

470
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:36,040
And, and I may not be the person
qualified to help you get

471
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,360
through something that's much
more deep, deep seated issue

472
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:43,000
around sex, but I may help you
identify and say, OK, like maybe

473
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:44,680
it's time for you to go seek
more help.

474
00:23:44,680 --> 00:23:48,680
Or maybe it's just like, hey, I
had one guy asked me like, how's

475
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:51,920
my, like, I, I, I don't, I know
this is a stupid question, but

476
00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,720
how's my size?
After I had already told him,

477
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:56,600
like, you're good, you know,
we're, we're a good fit.

478
00:23:56,600 --> 00:24:00,720
And I explained to him that size
is very personal because every

479
00:24:00,720 --> 00:24:04,520
woman, if you're talking about a
male female, every woman's

480
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:06,280
vaginal canal is a different
depth.

481
00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:08,520
Every woman derives pleasure
differently.

482
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:11,960
Most women need clitoral
stimulation and and penetrative

483
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:13,480
sex is not going to do it for
them.

484
00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:19,120
So your size, maybe one woman
likes a really wide girth, but

485
00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,400
could care less about the length
because they have a short

486
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:23,800
vaginal clinical.
Maybe another woman has had five

487
00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:27,760
children and they want a really
girthy long penis.

488
00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:31,480
Like everybody's different.
So your, your penis size is is

489
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:33,160
it's more.
I want to know that you

490
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:37,280
understand and you're asking me
and you're trying to to create a

491
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,280
pleasurable intimate experience
for us.

492
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:43,040
I don't care if you're this big
or that well, if you're that

493
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:44,760
big, you won't fit.
But we'll have to find other

494
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,400
ways to have to have sex.
I mean, that's really what it

495
00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:49,480
comes down to.
It's just being open minded and

496
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:54,080
being in tune with your partner.
You enjoy dating in your 60s

497
00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:56,320
because you're making it sound
like you're working all the

498
00:24:56,320 --> 00:24:58,680
time.
I love it.

499
00:24:58,680 --> 00:25:01,320
I'm one of these crazy people
that actually loves the dating

500
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:04,720
apps because I've met so many
different people and every

501
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:07,520
experience has been different.
There's definitely some

502
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:10,080
frustration that like everybody
has.

503
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:12,960
But I look at it as like a way
to meet people I never would

504
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:17,600
have met in my life before.
And so I, you know, I have had

505
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:21,480
more sexual partners than I've
ever had before in the last few

506
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:23,760
years.
I'm very conscious of being

507
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:24,920
safe.
So it's.

508
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:28,160
Yeah, that's been fun.
Does that mean I want to like,

509
00:25:28,160 --> 00:25:31,480
personally, I'm not looking to
be in open for the rest of my

510
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,240
life.
I very much like to find a

511
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:36,960
single partner and be in some
sort of, whether it's entirely

512
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:38,920
monogamous or not, but committed
relationship.

513
00:25:39,240 --> 00:25:41,880
But yeah, I, I love it.
I love meeting people.

514
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:44,680
I love learning.
I love, I love talking to men

515
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:49,280
who I mean, I prefer them to be
emotionally where having done

516
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:50,920
their work.
But when I meet them then and

517
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,920
they're, they're, they're on
their own journey.

518
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,720
Like often we become friends and
it just becomes like a kind of a

519
00:25:55,720 --> 00:26:01,040
coaching relationship.
If if open conversations about

520
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:05,680
sex between all people was more
common, that would affect men's

521
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:08,800
mental health and relationships
overall, I think the world would

522
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,680
be a.
Much better place we wouldn't we

523
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:14,640
wouldn't have the power grab
because like everyone would be

524
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:18,800
blowing with oxytocin and happy
hormones and walking around in a

525
00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:21,440
good mood.
So, yeah, I think it's it would

526
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,320
be a really great thing.
And I and I think that that

527
00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:28,600
midlife is really an opportunity
to change the narrative that you

528
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:31,120
had.
It's an opportunity to try new

529
00:26:31,120 --> 00:26:33,560
things.
Like nobody's, I mean, and if

530
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:35,600
they are judging you, like, who
cares?

531
00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:38,800
Like you've got this much,
you've lived half your life in a

532
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,560
certain way.
Like why not now open it up and

533
00:26:41,560 --> 00:26:45,400
live it in a in a different way?
It's your life to choose.

534
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:48,440
It's your sex to choose.
Aaron is there.

535
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:52,000
One thing that you wish more men
knew, there's nothing wrong

536
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,240
with.
Asking and saying that you don't

537
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:59,200
know if you know if I had one
guy like wants wanted to learn

538
00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,200
like tell me I want you to be my
teacher.

539
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:05,960
Like be open to to learning
because the definition of sex

540
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,840
that you learned as a
heterosexual man and the script

541
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,520
that we had doesn't have to be
the same.

542
00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:14,400
And if you really want to
pleasure a woman and really have

543
00:27:14,400 --> 00:27:17,200
a good relationship, that's the
best way to do it.

544
00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:20,800
Tell me about your.
Podcast, my podcast.

545
00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,200
Is taboo to truth life and sex
after 50.

546
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,520
So we've talked about many of
the topics I address.

547
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:27,800
I address.
I talk about my challenges that

548
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:29,960
I've had.
I have my first season was a lot

549
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:32,640
about female sexual health
issues.

550
00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:34,720
I address male sexual health
issues as well.

551
00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:38,880
I interview sex therapists,
fetish coaches, dominatrixes,

552
00:27:38,880 --> 00:27:41,240
doctors.
I'm trying to think of who

553
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:45,280
people who run sex clubs like I
I go the gamut because I want

554
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:50,000
people to know that like a lot
of times I don't get necessarily

555
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:52,360
like people will tell me like I
love your podcast, but I won't I

556
00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:54,400
won't like it because I don't
want anyone to know.

557
00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:56,360
But people.
It's like the information that

558
00:27:56,360 --> 00:27:59,200
you really want to know, but you
don't want to tell anyone that

559
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,760
you're listening to like that's
you'll find it on my podcast,

560
00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:04,720
You're the Secret.
Listen, the secret.

561
00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,200
Yes, yes.
The taboo, Yeah.

562
00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:10,360
Oh, properly.
Titled then yes, yes, yes.

563
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:13,480
So Karen, what's the best?
Way for people to connect with

564
00:28:13,480 --> 00:28:15,000
you.
Learn more about all you offer

565
00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:19,520
so by my website.
Is taboo to truth.com my podcast

566
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:22,000
taboo to truth and then all my
socials same thing.

567
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:25,520
TikTok, Instagram and then
YouTube is probably the best

568
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:28,200
place to watch my podcast if
you're interested in the visual

569
00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:31,400
and.
What do you see for the future

570
00:28:31,400 --> 00:28:34,200
of of sex relationship?
Do you think we're getting more

571
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,600
open?
Are we headed to being more

572
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:39,040
closed off and isolated?
What what's your vibe?

573
00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:41,920
Sadly, I.
Think this country's going in

574
00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:43,440
the other direction.
They're putting more and more

575
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:46,960
restrictions on content.
You now we're going to have to

576
00:28:46,960 --> 00:28:50,400
put 18 and over checks on our
websites if you have any kind of

577
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:53,720
explicit content.
I mean, at least in in North

578
00:28:53,720 --> 00:28:55,720
America, I think we're going
backwards.

579
00:28:55,760 --> 00:28:58,280
Like I said, when I'm in this
community of that is so

580
00:28:58,280 --> 00:29:00,960
welcoming and open.
It feels like we're expanding,

581
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,920
but I unfortunately, I really
think we're contracting.

582
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:06,960
Yeah, I, I.
That's what I see too, and

583
00:29:06,960 --> 00:29:09,400
that's why I wanted to ask and
maybe had a different you're

584
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:12,240
seeing, you're certainly seeing
people that I'm not.

585
00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:16,280
But so it's interesting that
there's more things kind of out

586
00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:18,720
there and people are some people
are more experimenting, but

587
00:29:18,720 --> 00:29:21,920
overall, like, yeah, there's
kind of a lid coming down.

588
00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:25,360
Yeah, I mean, I do.
Hear that swinging is much more

589
00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:29,200
common in people in in midlife.
So maybe maybe people are

590
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:31,960
getting more experimental, but
being secretive, more secretive

591
00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:33,960
about it.
But I do think it's getting

592
00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:38,160
harder to show people what's out
there, especially, especially

593
00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:41,600
interestingly for female
creators, they the censors are

594
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:45,480
censorship is much higher.
So you guys get it out, get the

595
00:29:45,480 --> 00:29:48,200
information out there.
Awesome.

596
00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:51,240
Karen, thanks so much for your
time today and I really

597
00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:55,520
appreciate and value you for
kind of taking your own

598
00:29:55,920 --> 00:29:58,960
discomfort and and sharing with
the world and and letting your

599
00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:02,120
journey be a gateway for other
people to embark on their

600
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:03,880
journeys.
And I think that's just it's,

601
00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:05,800
it's so needed.
Thank you so much.

602
00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:07,240
Thanks for.
Having me, Andy, great to see

603
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:09,280
you, That was Karen Bigman
reminding.

604
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:12,160
Us that sex and intimacy don't
have an expiration date.

605
00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:15,960
Aging can bring new challenges,
but also deeper connection and

606
00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:19,120
fresh possibilities.
If today's conversation spoke to

607
00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:22,040
you, I invite you to keep
exploring with us inside the

608
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:25,000
authentic AF community.
It's a free space for men to

609
00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:27,040
connect and support each other
in living fully.

610
00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:33,280
Join us at realmenfeel.org/group
and until next time, be good to

611
00:30:33,280 --> 00:30:33,640
yourself.