Unlocking Intimacy: Destroying Sex Myths After 50!

0:00 Midlife is really an opportunity to change the narrative that you had. It's an opportunity to try new things. Like nobody's, I mean, and if they are judging you, like who cares? Like you've got this much, you've lived half your life in a certain way. Like why not now open it up and live it in a in a different way. It's your life to choose. It's your sex to choose. Hello and welcome to Real Men Feel. I'm your host, Andy Grant, and today we're diving into a topic that often gets brushed aside, sex and aging. Our guest today is Karen Bigman, founder of Taboo to Truth, where she helps people navigate intimacy, pleasure and self-expression as they grow older. Karen is breaking down the myths and stigma around sexuality and midlife and beyond, showing us that aging doesn't mean the end of desire or connection.

0:48 It can actually be a new beginning. And if you're looking for supportive community, check out Authentic AF, my free online community at realmenfield.org/group. Let's do it. Hello Karen, and welcome to Real Men Field. Hi, thank you for having me. So you focus on sex and aging. Is this something that have you always been a sex therapist and the aging came on as just as you were aging or is this a late in life interest or you know, how did you enter peer? So first of all, I'm not a sex therapist. I'm actually just a sex, just not just because it's quite encouragement too. I'm, I'm a certified sex educator and a coach. I do sex and relationship coaching for men and women. So the therapist, I mean, I think you know, in this, in this field, many of us are therapeutic because there's so many challenges with sex and aging. But this actually, it was something that I became sort of more sex aware and sex positive as I started to go through menopause.

1:45 And I'm happy to talk about the the challenges that I faced. And then about a little less than 10 years later, as I was turning 60, I was getting all these messages that, you know, I thought women at this age didn't like sex anymore. I thought, you know, like that, that after menopause, you know, that's no good. It's terrible. You shouldn't, you shouldn't even try as you give up. And I had quite a different experience. And So what was going on in my life and, and I just decided that I would start talking about my journey and my challenges. And the more I talk about it, the more people are interested in hearing about it because it really is something that we get these messages that once we're all that, you know, our, our reproductive years are over. So, you know, and it doesn't work. Women don't work anymore and men are starting to get erectile dysfunction, all these things and like sex, just like, let's just take it off the table.

2:33 And I say hell no. All right, so So what are some of the biggest myths out there around aging and sexuality? The first is that you need to give up on sex. So there's this. I would say one of the bigger ones is like use it or lose it, which often as as we age, certainly in long term relationships, there's a lot of people are are more comfortable with each other. There's less sex, there's less novelty, and in fact that if you have not had sex for a very long time, often you don't want it anymore or you feel like your body isn't working. It becomes painful, particularly for women as they age. And the myth is that that means it has to stop. Because the truth of the matter is there are ways sex changes as we age. Doesn't doesn't need to stop.

3:16 Everyone can have sex. I've recently heard a doctor telling me she has two female patients that are 96 years old that are sexually active. So we we shouldn't, there's no reason to give up. But what we really need to do, what we need to understand is that sex isn't going to look the same AT506070 as it did when you were 20-30 and even 40. And to understand that it will look and feel different and that the approach to it needs to be different really helps how we approach it and and help sort of debunk that myth. Why do you think society and culture avoids discussions about sex and aging? Particularly in in North America, I'm sure, And this is true around the world as well.

3:59 But for the most part, we are not taught how to talk about sex. We're not taught about our body parts. The sex education in the United States, and I grew up in Canada, it wasn't much better, is absolutely abysmal. I think it's 33 out of the 50 or 51 states I can't remember because I didn't grow up here, have mandated sex education. And it does not have to be medically accurate. So if you think about that, a lot of states actually teach abstinence. They're not required to use the proper language. They're not. I mean, I did not know that my genitals were a vulva, not a vagina, because most people think of a female, female down there, if you will, as the vagina, which is not the case. It's actually the vulva.

4:40 So this was something that I learned later in life. So we don't have the language. If if we had sex education, it was probably very minimal. It was about don't, don't get pregnant and don't get an STI. It was very male focused, very male pleasure focused. Sex is over when you have an orgasm, when a man has an orgasm. So all these messages that we're taught throughout life and then sex is something that you have behind closed doors. And so how do we ever talk about it if we're not, if we're taught that we're not supposed to, we're supposed to shy away from it. I saw, I went to this course, which is, it's called a sexual attitude reassessment. A lot of doctors go to it helps doctors become more aware of different practices and sexuality. And, and they, they, they want doctors to be open to whoever comes into their office. And I, I went as an educator and they showed a, a video of a bunch of young kids under 10 as their parents tried to teach them about sex.

5:31 And what was totally shocking to me was that these kids were already by that age, I mean, some of them must have been 5678 were so embarrassed when their parents tried to tell them about sex. So that is the message we're taught like sex is something embarrassing, but guess what? Somebody, for the most part not. I mean, now we can have babies different ways, but most of you came onto this earth because of sex. So we need to change that narrative to start when kids are young. Is that modern society? Is that human society? Like, yeah, what? Like everyone giggles. Every sitcom is like, oh, parents talk about sex or grandparents, God forbid they talk about sex. Yeah, it's just horrible shameful thing. Or maybe it's not shameful. It's just, yeah, what?

6:11 What is our what? What is it about our uncomfortability with it as a subject? I would, you know, I have not done any research into the history of sex, but the bit that I know I like back in Roman and Greek times, sex was just, you know, they had wild orgies and parties and men, oh, man, man, a woman, like it didn't matter. It was just part of the culture. And I think as I understand it, as the Catholic Church became more and more involved or as the church in general became more and more involved in creating culture somewhere they, it's suggested in the Bible, I guess, that it's supposed to be between a man and a woman. And it's only for the purposes of I haven't studied religion, so I don't want to claim something I don't know, but for the purposes of, of making babies of procreating.

6:56 So that's, that's what culture and society tells us. That's what we what we learn. And what's been also kind of fascinating for me, and I noticed it a little more lately, is I've been doing this work now, I'm actually coming up on my 2 year anniversary for my podcast this week. And I have really gotten to know this very sex positive community that is very welcoming. And they, they range in, in what their practices are, how they identify, what they talk about. And I forget that when I get back to most people that they don't, they're like, whoa, what are you talking about, Karen? Like, calm down about that. Like, let's just just to say down there instead of vagina, let's not call it a penis, let's call it, you know, a Dick or whatever. So it it really is something that that we we can learn to embrace, but we don't. Now so many men at at all ages tie their sense of identity to sexual performance and virility.

7:52 How do you help men redefine that as they age? It's interesting because we, we talk a lot about how sex changes for women as they go through menopause. And I think the reason we, we identify it so much is that it's this sort of dramatic change. What happens with men is it's a much more gradual change, although statistically 40% of men in their 40s will have ED-50 in their 50s, etcetera. So performance will change. And I, I interviewed this sex educator a couple of weeks ago and she was talking about how men are taught to, to show themselves as men to, to man up, to become masculine, to show up in a masculine way where women are just women. We're, I mean, we have our other challenges, but nobody looks at us and says you need to woman up. So men are identified with this like sex and men has to do with penis and vagina and ejaculating. So if there's any issue that affects that, then automatically it means there's something wrong with me. I'm not a man anymore.

8:53 And if you ask a bunch of men in a room who are in their 50s and 60s, and I will say from the experiences I've had dating, I've been single for four years now and I'm 62 and I've dated men from 54 to like 65 maybe. And for the ones that I've gotten intimate with, every single one of them has had performance issues. Every single one from one form or another, whether it was they needed Viagra or Cialis, whether it was that they had shame, some sort of sexual shame from from growing up in religious backgrounds, or they just were intimidated because they hadn't had sex in a long time. It's it's happening to, to all to many men.

9:34 So why not just say, OK, like women are dealing with it. We're learning how to navigate sex differently as we age. Men should be just as comfortable doing that. And that I might guess an unusual person in that way where I'm like, hey, it's OK, look, you're having a problem. Let's work with it. You know, like this is what it is. But I would say that that many men feel like, you know, I'm, I'm not pleasing her like this is like I'm a failure if I can't get it up or, or if you know something, I can't ejaculate or whatever the issue is. So there's more to sex than intercourse and ejaculation. As a matter of fact, there is. So I I think that's, that's like the first, I would say one of the first big pieces.

10:17 I mean, you want to check with your doctor is there erectile dysfunction is one of the can be an indicator of cardiovascular issues because the veins to or the arteries rather to the penis are the smallest in the body. So if you are having erectile dysfunction like thing one is you want to make sure that there's nothing wrong that you don't have any medical issues. And if you do, then of course you want to address those. But the next thing is to start to look at sex in a bigger picture as pleasure as opposed to just intercourse, and try to define it as something that is an intimate experience between you and your partner. That does not always have to include intercourse, because there are a lot of ways to have fun and to pleasure each other that doesn't involve sticking a penis in a vagina. So you mentioned that men go through changes as well as the age.

11:06 So is there a kind of male version of menopause? That their testosterone does decrease, it's just at a slower level. So I would say that that would be about the equivalent dealing with issues. An erectile dysfunction is not just an ability to have an orgasm, it's also an ability to to ejaculate. It's also, I would call there's something called Peroni's disease, which is a curvature of the penis that can happen sometimes during rough sex, a man will get a fracture in the penis and of course many are embarrassed to ever deal with it. And over time what happens is there, I guess the calcifications form or something and the penis starts to curve and that can be extremely painful both for the, for the penis owner and for the for the vulva owner. So those are things that can that can happen. We mentioned intimacy and emotional intimacy. Does that become more important as as couples age? I think it's important, regardless of where you are, I think that, you know, again, back to that we need a man up. We're not allowed to show our emotions. That to me, the sexiest thing in a man is that he shows vulnerability and he admits that like, I don't know it all. I can.

12:12 I'm not emotionally shut down that I actually, you know, I, I'm not looking for a man who's, you know, bubbling idiot who's crying all the time. I mean that, you know, you probably have more issues going on if that's the case, but I do want to know how, how are you feeling? What, what do you think? How, how, if it comes when it comes to sex? Like let's talk about what, what do you like how, you know, what are the things that turn you on? What are the things, you know, asking me? What are the things that turn me on? How can we navigate? I mean, I have like back issues and like, I don't bend the way I used to look. How can we work through this and being comfortable and, and, and knowing that, like when you show no vulnerability, when you ask, when you show that you really care, like that is going to make the sex that much better than just saying, OK, I know, I know what to do. We get in the bedroom and we're going to like, you know, start with the kissing, then maybe the Laurel, and then we're going to end up in, you know, penis vagina and then I ejaculate and it's over.

13:03 I mean that that script. Let's get rid of it. Yeah, it's it's, it's more than just an exercise routine with a partner. Exactly. Exactly. So is there any special advice you have for people that are or dating again after long relationships or marriages? The first thing I would say is deal with your shit. Like don't go from a long relationship and then the next day get into another relationship because you will repeat whatever the mistakes were. You'll end up with the same person again or you'll end up in a in a worse relationship that you can't get out of. Take the time to work on yourself, figure out like what was it that what was my role and why this relationship broke down and what is it in this person that I saw thought that I chose them and how do I choose differently this time? So that is thing one thing two, you know, I just had a conversation with a guy.

13:54 He we met on one of the apps and he said, just letting you know, I was in a 32 year marriage. I've been single for six months. We're separated and I'm like, go get laid. Go like go have, I mean, do it safely, make sure that you're doing it, you know, with consent and with and, and with safety. But go have some fun, have some sex. If you've been in a long relationship, chances are that at least towards the end of your relationship, there wasn't a lot of sex. Go have some fun, go learn what you like. Go, go teach your body how to respond again and understand what it's like to be in a sexual intimate relationship. And that also comes with the working on yourself and, and, and, and feeling more confident and, and just being aware of what, what things trigger you and what things that you want to have in your life that you didn't have in the past. So and for people that in long term relationships been, you know, relationships for decades, you make it sound like they all sex Peters out for everybody.

14:49 So is is there a way to keep a healthy sex life in a long term relationship? As long as you accept that things change and you communicate, I mean, the number one thing you need to do is to communicate with your partner. And oftentimes either it's been lousy sex, which is why it stopped, or there have been performance issues or pain issues with for women. And nobody wants to talk about it. Everybody's, you know, they're thinking and he should know, she should know, you know, like they should understand, Or it's like, we just don't need it anymore. So I, I say like, like, if it's something that really bothers either one or both of you, it needs to be addressed by telling that person first. Like I, we used to have a great sex life. I loved our sex life.

15:30 You know, it, it it's we're going to grow all together. I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. How can we try to get things back on the right track? And it might just be like, I listened to this podcast today and this woman was talking about it. And let's let's start by talking about it. And sometimes it involves just having a, you know, I say like a little bite of something or giving, giving, I call them sex snacks, like starting to do something a little bit intimate that that you haven't done for a long time. John Gottman, who is one of the relationship gurus, talks about a six second kiss or a 22nd hug, which release oxytocin. So give your partner a hug, touch them on the small of their back, do something unusual for them. If you never brought, you know, haven't brought them flowers in a long time or buy a sex toy and make, you know, have have fun with with it.

16:17 Try to bring back some form of intimacy. That doesn't mean like, let's, let's get back in the bedroom and try to have intercourse again because we haven't done it in 20 years. You got it. You got to reintroduce reignite the relationship. And oh, by the way, men are more visual and tend to be able to get it up much more easily. So if they see something sexy, perhaps they'll like they'll be able to get it up. But women need more novelty. We need something that's going to like get that, get those those hormones going. And so it takes some time to to get back to the new kind of sex that you're going to be having at this point in your life. Years ago I had AI believe a marriage counselor on the show and he was talking about sex drives and saying that the partner with the lowest sex drive, what will will kind of drive the relationship sexually? And I wonder does the sex drive does it can it flip between the the man or the woman who who who who has a harder sex drive or not harder?

17:17 That's a bad word today. Who has a higher higher sex drive and can that flip as as people age? I don't know that it can flip, but it can change. And I think it depends on the couple. Like in in my case, I was the one with the higher sex drive, which you, you know, one thinks it's always the man that that has a higher sex drive. So I think it, it depends. One has to learn if you are in a relationship that that is monogamous and one of you wants more sex than the other, then you need to find ways to accommodate the other person. So if you don't want sex at all, and your partner wants sex everyday, you're probably not going to be compatible. But there might be a way where the person who doesn't want sex can somehow find a way to get a little more intimate with the person who wants it a lot. And then the person that wants it a lot will have to find other ways to derive sexual pleasure, whether it's through masturbation or watching porn or in an agreement with their partner, finding ways outside of the marriage. That's, that's whether it's opening it up and or bringing in kink, kinky toys or what, whatever it is. The other thing is, is with, sometimes with the help of a of a sex therapist trying to figure out how to re engage with each other.

18:28 And then I like, I've seen a lot of couples as they get older start just say, OK, like, like we're, we're kind of bored with each other. Let's let's, let's try something else. Let's bring in a third. Let's try swinging. Let's go to a sex club. Let's go to let's, let's do something kinky. You want to make sure you do everything in a very healthy, you know, consensual way with a lot of communication, but it could be a lot of fun to try to do something new. I mean that you see these couples that like you just, you just know that when they have a really good sex life, you just you can tell. Because they're inviting you into it. That's not my game, but I love. I'd love to hear when people do it. Like popular culture would tell us that the older you get, the less sex you have, but you're kind of seeing the older you get, the more experimental people are becoming.

19:15 I think so I, if, if it's what if you want sex to be a part of your life and generally when people are talking to me that's it's because they want more sex in their life, then yes, absolutely. You know, I, I, I occasionally will go to something called a munch, which is a social gathering of people who are kinky And I, I, I don't partake at this point in my life. I never say never because I'm still new in this whole community. But it's so interesting because it's, it's this group of people that meet for coffee or or cocktail, whatever. There's nothing is no play is practice. But they talk about the different, they, they look for other partners and get to know them and they talk about the different ways in which they practice. And it's just, it's a really beautiful social community.

19:55 Like everybody's just learning. And I, I mean, I learned some very interesting things and I. Talk to some people that practice things that I didn't even know existed, but like in a million years I wouldn't touch. But it's like, well, good for you that you found something that you enjoy at this point in your life and that you know you can do it without anybody judging you if you're in this community. I wanted to ask, like, have you discovered something that you had never even heard of before? But so so then it's like you have multiple things. Yes, yes, I mean, one of the things that seems to be popular these days is Electro play where you they use electric shock as a form of pain, not just like spanking. And then this one, this one, I, I interviewed A dominatrix and I said, what's, you know, what are the biggest things that people ask for?

20:41 And the first was bondage and the second was piss play. People like to be peed on, especially especially men. And like, I don't judge and I'm like, I don't understand. To me, it feels like yucky and shit. It's, it's a, it's a way of being degraded. Like these men are generally in very powerful positions and they want to be just in a place where they're completely degraded. And this is a form of, of degradation. And I'm like, hey, if that it's not necessarily sexual, but if that works for you and it and you enjoy it and nobody's getting hurt and you like it, hey, go do it. Well, am I to tell you not to just take a shower after?

21:22 Yeah, that's a that's a level of emotional intimacy I I would not consider either. So, but yeah, good. Like you know how I make common grounds with any guests or anything that don't believe in like is, is the goal to have more fun in life? Is the goal to have a good life then then great. If that's what it's doing for you. Super. Exactly. Exactly. So it sounds like you're saying that people come to you the most. The reason most people come to you is they want more sex and they're trying to figure out what changes have to happen for. That or they're more more likely there's they're re entering the dating world and they're like, how do I navigate these challenges? Whether it's a woman who's dealing with the menopause issues or it's a man who's dealing who's just afraid, Like how do I get back out there with confidence?

22:04 That's typically who when someone's going to want to talk to me. I don't do any hands on sex coaching. I mean, I have plenty of people in my network that that do that kind of work, but I might direct somebody to someone or just try to talk through like what really is the issue here? Is there a physical issue? Is there an emotional issue? Is there a relationship? You know, do you need to like learn how to re engage with women again or with men again? So that may be some of it. And with the men that you see, is it more common, a physical issue, a mindset issue? Like, is there something that's most common for you? I think they're related. When a man has a performance issue at any point, it becomes a psychological issue or an emotional issue.

22:46 I have a partner that I, that I play with whatever you want to like a lover, whatever you want to call him. And like, in the beginning things were great and, and I don't see him that often. But now when I see him, I know there's like, there's some guilt that's going on with him, with some other things going on in his life and it affects us in the bedroom. And it's like now every time he has that in his head, like I didn't perform last time, so am I going to be able to perform this time? And so we have to kind of talk it through like what is going on here that's causing you to have these issues? Because we've had an amazing time together. And now it's of course it's going to change over time because you know, when a partner that you've had for a while, but there's definitely some emotional issues that are, that are affecting how he is. And so we, you have to just talk about them, you have to deal with them.

23:32 And, and I may not be the person qualified to help you get through something that's much more deep, deep seated issue around sex, but I may help you identify and say, OK, like maybe it's time for you to go seek more help. Or maybe it's just like, hey, I had one guy asked me like, how's my, like, I, I, I don't, I know this is a stupid question, but how's my size? After I had already told him, like, you're good, you know, we're, we're a good fit. And I explained to him that size is very personal because every woman, if you're talking about a male female, every woman's vaginal canal is a different depth. Every woman derives pleasure differently. Most women need clitoral stimulation and and penetrative sex is not going to do it for them.

24:13 So your size, maybe one woman likes a really wide girth, but could care less about the length because they have a short vaginal clinical. Maybe another woman has had five children and they want a really girthy long penis. Like everybody's different. So your, your penis size is is it's more. I want to know that you understand and you're asking me and you're trying to to create a pleasurable intimate experience for us. I don't care if you're this big or that well, if you're that big, you won't fit. But we'll have to find other ways to have to have sex. I mean, that's really what it comes down to. It's just being open minded and being in tune with your partner. You enjoy dating in your 60s because you're making it sound like you're working all the time. I love it.

24:58 I'm one of these crazy people that actually loves the dating apps because I've met so many different people and every experience has been different. There's definitely some frustration that like everybody has. But I look at it as like a way to meet people I never would have met in my life before. And so I, you know, I have had more sexual partners than I've ever had before in the last few years. I'm very conscious of being safe. So it's. Yeah, that's been fun. Does that mean I want to like, personally, I'm not looking to be in open for the rest of my life. I very much like to find a single partner and be in some sort of, whether it's entirely monogamous or not, but committed relationship.

25:39 But yeah, I, I love it. I love meeting people. I love learning. I love, I love talking to men who I mean, I prefer them to be emotionally where having done their work. But when I meet them then and they're, they're, they're on their own journey. Like often we become friends and it just becomes like a kind of a coaching relationship. If if open conversations about sex between all people was more common, that would affect men's mental health and relationships overall, I think the world would be a. Much better place we wouldn't we wouldn't have the power grab because like everyone would be blowing with oxytocin and happy hormones and walking around in a good mood. So, yeah, I think it's it would be a really great thing. And I and I think that that midlife is really an opportunity to change the narrative that you had. It's an opportunity to try new things. Like nobody's, I mean, and if they are judging you, like, who cares?

26:35 Like you've got this much, you've lived half your life in a certain way. Like why not now open it up and live it in a in a different way? It's your life to choose. It's your sex to choose. Aaron is there. One thing that you wish more men knew, there's nothing wrong with. Asking and saying that you don't know if you know if I had one guy like wants wanted to learn like tell me I want you to be my teacher. Like be open to to learning because the definition of sex that you learned as a heterosexual man and the script that we had doesn't have to be the same. And if you really want to pleasure a woman and really have a good relationship, that's the best way to do it.

27:17 Tell me about your. Podcast, my podcast. Is taboo to truth life and sex after 50. So we've talked about many of the topics I address. I address. I talk about my challenges that I've had. I have my first season was a lot about female sexual health issues. I address male sexual health issues as well. I interview sex therapists, fetish coaches, dominatrixes, doctors. I'm trying to think of who people who run sex clubs like I I go the gamut because I want people to know that like a lot of times I don't get necessarily like people will tell me like I love your podcast, but I won't I won't like it because I don't want anyone to know. But people. It's like the information that you really want to know, but you don't want to tell anyone that you're listening to like that's you'll find it on my podcast, You're the Secret. Listen, the secret.

28:04 Yes, yes. The taboo, Yeah. Oh, properly. Titled then yes, yes, yes. So Karen, what's the best? Way for people to connect with you. Learn more about all you offer so by my website. Is taboo to truth.com my podcast taboo to truth and then all my socials same thing. TikTok, Instagram and then YouTube is probably the best place to watch my podcast if you're interested in the visual and. What do you see for the future of of sex relationship? Do you think we're getting more open? Are we headed to being more closed off and isolated? What what's your vibe? Sadly, I. Think this country's going in the other direction. They're putting more and more restrictions on content. You now we're going to have to put 18 and over checks on our websites if you have any kind of explicit content. I mean, at least in in North America, I think we're going backwards.

28:55 Like I said, when I'm in this community of that is so welcoming and open. It feels like we're expanding, but I unfortunately, I really think we're contracting. Yeah, I, I. That's what I see too, and that's why I wanted to ask and maybe had a different you're seeing, you're certainly seeing people that I'm not. But so it's interesting that there's more things kind of out there and people are some people are more experimenting, but overall, like, yeah, there's kind of a lid coming down. Yeah, I mean, I do. Hear that swinging is much more common in people in in midlife. So maybe maybe people are getting more experimental, but being secretive, more secretive about it. But I do think it's getting harder to show people what's out there, especially, especially interestingly for female creators, they the censors are censorship is much higher. So you guys get it out, get the information out there. Awesome.

29:48 Karen, thanks so much for your time today and I really appreciate and value you for kind of taking your own discomfort and and sharing with the world and and letting your journey be a gateway for other people to embark on their journeys. And I think that's just it's, it's so needed. Thank you so much. Thanks for. Having me, Andy, great to see you, That was Karen Bigman reminding. Us that sex and intimacy don't have an expiration date. Aging can bring new challenges, but also deeper connection and fresh possibilities. If today's conversation spoke to you, I invite you to keep exploring with us inside the authentic AF community. It's a free space for men to connect and support each other in living fully. Join us at realmenfeel.org/group and until next time, be good to yourself.