Veteran Triumphs Over Silent Struggle: Winning The War After The War

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The way the military programs
you, they're not trying to

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program you to be an emotional
healthy employee.

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They're trying to turn you into
a killing machine, for lack of a

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better word.
And killing machines are more

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efficient when they don't have,
you know, emotions.

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So they're like, there is no
real emotion here.

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It's basically like you're
taught to keep smashing down

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that emotion and ignoring it
because someone could lose their

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lives because you're distracted
by your emotions.

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And what happens is the big
issue is OK, that's how you

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you're going to function while
you're in, but there's nothing

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to deprogram that when you get
out.

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Hello and welcome to Real
Midfield.

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I'm your host, Andy Grant.
Today my guest is Louis Stockley

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Junior, an Army veteran, father,
coach and founder of Before 22,

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a movement built for the
Warriors who are losing the war.

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After the war.
Lewis spent 17 years in military

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and federal service, did
everything he was supposed to

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do, and still found himself
drowning in silence, emotional

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shutdown, and the pressure to
keep performing while falling

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apart inside.
Instead of pretending everything

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was fine, he turned his
breakdown into a mission.

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Today, we're talking about what
it really means to be a man in

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the world that trains us to
suffer quietly.

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What happens when the uniform
comes off and the pain shows up,

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and how men can reclaim their
voice, their identity and their

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life before silence wins.
Let's do it.

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Hello, Lewis, and welcome to
REAL Men Feel.

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I know you entered the military
at a pretty young age.

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How old were you when you went
into the army?

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I was 17, rushed out of high
school.

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And how long did you serve?
I served for about 6 1/2.

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Years.
How did your experience in the

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military shape your definition
of masculinity?

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For me, going into the military
was different.

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I had had kind of like male role
models, like I had an uncle, I

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had a couple of uncles that
wouldn't spend time with me on

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and off things like that.
But as far as a steady father

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figure in my life, I didn't have
that.

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But I did have tons of
influences from the military

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itself because all those people
served.

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My mom served stepdad who was in
and out, served all those

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different people, served in the
military, and so I looked at

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that as the way to develop
myself to the next step.

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So when I joined the military, I
was still figuring out what

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masculinity actually meant.
I grew up.

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I had to grow up really fast
because my step dad left

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unexpectedly.
My mother had to pick up two

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jobs to cover for that loss of
income and keep things moving.

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I picked up a job and stopped
doing sports and instantly

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started giving all my paychecks
to the household, helping to

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raise my sister who was seven
years younger than me.

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And so I came into it thinking
that was the idea of masculine

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is do everything you can and
don't complain.

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So naturally, I ran into lots of
trouble in the beginning of my

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military career.
Was the entire career kind of

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problematic?
Were you clashing with things or

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or what were what were the
issues?

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So in the beginning it was more
like just learning how to be,

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how to be an adult.
You know, all the typical things

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that you know a father figure
would teach you kind of like be

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a man of your word if you say
you're going to be here at this

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time or if you have the
responsibility to be there and

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make sure their plan do all
those different things.

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I gained a lot of the military
discipline and basic training,

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which was 13 weeks, and I knew
how to be a soldier.

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But as far as an adult man, I
still had no idea.

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And my first real lesson in that
was when I made a huge mistake.

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I got stationed in Germany and
it always starts with a girl.

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So there was a girl that I had
met back in training and I said

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I'm going to go visit her.
I was in the city of Mannheim in

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Germany, and she lived in a city
called Stuttgart.

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And to get to Stuttgart is a
very, very long train ride.

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So I said, OK, I'll come hang
out with you over the weekend

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and see where you're stationed
and, you know, we'll have fun.

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And so I leave on Friday.
I go there, no plan.

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I barely had any money in my
bank account, even though just

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living life on the edge of the
on the edge.

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And I had no plan on how I was
going to get back.

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So on Sunday we had an amazing
weekend.

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On Sunday, she drops me off at
the train station.

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I'm like, OK, I'll be good here.
First problem pops up, it's

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dark, the train station isn't
active.

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I'm like, OK, what's going on
here?

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So I go inside the train
station, nothing's running.

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I managed to look at the
schedule and realize that the

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train stopped running at like
4:00 PM on Sundays there.

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So they shut down.
I'm due to be back information

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in Manheim at 6:00 AM on Monday,
but I have no way to get back

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and I have no power on the cell
phone.

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We had Nokia phones back then,
so that was like, you know,

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those phones would die really
fast.

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Then I'd have the no money
issue.

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So I couldn't use a pay phone to
call or anything like that.

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Not that I'd be able to dial
because I'm still fresh in

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Germany and have no clue how to
do any of that.

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I sleep on a park bench right
there in the train station

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listening to all the weird
haunted sounds.

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Smelling the piss on the bench
probably counts that, you know,

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lots of messed up people who
were there and things like that.

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I wake up to a train pulling
into the station at 6:00 AM in

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the morning time.
I'm supposed to be basically at

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work.
I wake up, I hop on the train.

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Couple hours later I get back
there, my NCO or supervisor, he

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gave me like the crazy.
He cheered me out from left to

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right, just basically chewed me
out, gave me every punishment in

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the book, which in the Army,
you're doing push ups, you're

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doing sit ups, you're doing
essays about how important it is

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to be on time.
You're putting it on record

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giving you what's called a
counseling statement.

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And I just couldn't figure out
in my 1718 year old brain, I'm

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like, why is he so angry?
You know, what's his problem?

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You know, because I'm like, OK,
I'm getting consequences and all

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that stuff, but what's his real
problem?

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And I still talk to him to this
day.

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And he was just really worried
for my safety, like a father

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figured me.
And he was really drilling into

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me the importance of some of
these masculine principles.

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Like if you say you're going to
be a formation on Monday, you

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need to make sure you know how
you're going to be there, know

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the plan.
And if things go wrong, you need

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to be able to get in contact
with me because my

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responsibility is to make sure
you're safe, not just out of a

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work role, but because you are
the person that I'm responsible

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for.
You are kind of like my

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childhood situation because I'm
way further along in this career

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than you are.
And so he chewed me out.

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And back then, I was really,
really angry about it,

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obviously.
But, you know, as time went on

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and I grew, I realized that was
like one of my first real

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masculine lessons from the
military.

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So the military overall was was
it more like positive lessons,

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at least in hindsight?
It was mistakes, but but I guess

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one of my gifts was just
learning from the mistakes.

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I made lots of different
mistakes.

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Even in basic training.
We ran every single day.

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You know, we ran every day for
13 weeks.

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Part of the training, you get up
and you do your PT, you do push

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ups, sit ups in the organization
and you go for a maybe a one

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mile to a three mile, four mile
run.

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On one of these runs, we're
going up this thing I called the

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Devil's Hill because it tricks
you.

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You think you're just going up
this one hill and if you fight

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and get up that hill, you're
good.

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But you get up there and you
realize there's another hill and

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that one goes way up there.
And so it defeats people, right?

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You get up to the first hill and
you stop.

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But I was like, I'm not going to
stop them to keep going.

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And due to me just not being
conditioned enough, I'm hitting

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that second hill, trying to
drive up the hill and I feel a

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pop over here in my hip flexor.
And then massive pain ensues.

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And it was all I could do was to
jog and kind of limp.

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And so we're all running
together in this formation, you

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know?
And instead of being in the

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middle of the formation where I
was, I had to go to the back of

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it, which is where the people
who are almost about to quit,

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they go to the back of the
formation and they start just

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fading back as everybody just
keeps going.

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We all know the route, so nobody
gets left behind.

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But it's kind of, you know, a
shameful thing.

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So I basically ride it through
that tear.

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It was a partial tear.
I would say if it was a full 1,

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I probably wouldn't have been
able to even limp.

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That happened that Week 2.
I went through the other 11

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weeks with that injury just at
night, just agonizing with it,

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trying to stretch it 'cause you
know, it'll get tight and it'll

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swell up.
It'll do all sorts of stuff.

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That was the most pain I've ever
felt ever.

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And I just felt this.
I just kind of I learned one

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negative thing from it.
One negative lesson was to keep

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pushing through the pain no
matter what happens, Whereas

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sometimes it might be time to go
get that looks hat might be time

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to go get that fixed.
But then the other lesson I

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learned is how what does
commitment really look like?

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You know, and it's to say, and
my commitment was, I can't go

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back home.
You know, things were not good

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with my mother.
There was no success there.

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The people that I grew up with
were into good things back in my

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hometown.
And I knew if I went back there,

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I'm going to get sucked into all
that again.

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So I said, OK, I got to commit
to this.

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It's either do or die.
I'm going to do this now or not.

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And so I kept going.
The injury hardened over and I

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just kept moving forward, just
kind of learning lessons from

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things that went wrong like
that.

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So I've heard you say that when
you left the service, it was

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like being dropped off in the
deep end.

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What was that deep end for you?
The deep end for me is like

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this.
From the perspective of going

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into the military at 17.
I never truly had the adult

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experience outside of the
military.

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Also, I go through and I become
an adult going through the

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military, which it's different
because they kind of provide

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everything for you, right?
They give you the structure,

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they feed you, they pay you,
they give you health benefits

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and all that stuff.
All you have to do is fill out

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forms and things and all those
things are taken care of or even

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a place to live for the most
part.

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I basically on my last year and
a half, I was deployed.

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That was my first ever
deployment in the military.

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So me and my wife, we who I had
met in Germany, we, we get

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stationed at Fort Campbell.
I go through six or seven months

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of a training exercise with my
unit and then we deploy over to

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Afghanistan.
We spend all that time there and

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when I come back, it's already
time for me to get out.

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And so I get out or start this
terminal leave.

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You just cash in all your leave
and you're still getting paid

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until the leave runs out,
basically.

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So I take my terminal, leave and
I get out and all they basically

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did was hand me a checklist.
They didn't really check on my

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mental state, physical state or
anything.

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They said here's all the gear
that you have that we've issued

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you.
This is what we need back.

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These are the different places
you need to go.

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Talk to this financial person,
this person, that person, and

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they're all like, you have any
questions?

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And I'm like, I don't even know
what I don't know.

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It's to ask the questions that
need to happen and they're like,

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OK, great.
They just check you off on the

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list and you and your goal, your
mission for the last few weeks

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you're in is just to get through
that checklist and then you get

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out.
And I knew what my plan was.

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I wanted to join the government,
you know, and be an IT doing

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that, which is what I did in the
military as well.

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00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,640
But beyond that, I had no idea
what I was in for.

226
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:30,440
I had no clue even how to sign
up for health insurance, for

227
00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:35,920
example, and I had no real
experience going and applying

228
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:39,240
for jobs like interview, doing
all those things.

229
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:44,360
So it was really like I had to
learn all that stuff and I had

230
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:48,520
massive amounts of pressure to
learn it because my son was on

231
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:52,600
the, I got out in June.
He was set to be born in

232
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:54,600
December.
So he ended up being born

233
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:58,080
December 27th, which is, you
know, a couple days after

234
00:12:58,080 --> 00:13:00,720
Christmas.
But I felt this pressure to just

235
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:03,560
figure it all out.
So I would make lots of mistakes

236
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:05,920
and people would take advantage
of that too.

237
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:09,040
Like we needed health insurance,
My wife needed to go to OB

238
00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,400
appointments, obviously do an
ultrasound and do those things.

239
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:19,280
And he, I called like a 1800
number, told him the person on

240
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:23,840
the line, my situation, and he
was basically like, yeah, I'm a

241
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:26,520
veteran.
You know, I can relate to what's

242
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:28,480
going on here.
I'll help you, right?

243
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:32,040
I'm like, OK, He said, he's a
veteran immediately to me, no

244
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,960
world experience.
I'm like, I'm just going to

245
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,920
trust this guy that he ain't
saying everything he's going to

246
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,080
do.
And so he's like, OK, so for

247
00:13:39,080 --> 00:13:43,600
this insurance plan, you pay us
around 5 grand and I'll set the

248
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,840
plan up for you.
The cards will come in the mail.

249
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,320
You take her to her first
appointment.

250
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:50,400
You're good.
So without even thinking about

251
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:54,080
it, we pay the five grand, the
cards come in the mail, we go to

252
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:57,560
the appointment, we have the
ultrasound, We have this amazing

253
00:13:57,560 --> 00:14:00,320
memory, you know, seeing my son
on the screen and print out the

254
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:03,640
pictures and all that
heartwarming moment.

255
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,880
And then I hand them the cards
again.

256
00:14:05,880 --> 00:14:07,560
They're like, let me take
another look at that.

257
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:10,600
And the lady is kind of
perplexed by it.

258
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,120
And we're like, OK, what's going
on?

259
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,960
She goes, takes the card to the
back, the lady in the back calls

260
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:19,040
us back there and asks us to sit
down and she said this car

261
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:22,360
doesn't cover any.
So whoever gave you this

262
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:26,680
insurance screwed you over big
time because from right now

263
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,320
until the birth of your son,
it's going to cost you around

264
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:34,680
$30,000 ME.
No world experience, no job yet,

265
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:39,120
you know, savings are starting
to run out, all that stuff.

266
00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:43,480
And I'm faced with that $30,000
bill and just struggling trying

267
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:47,720
to figure it out.
And I just had to keep running

268
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:51,160
into situations like that.
Like we figure that out

269
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:55,080
eventually, obviously, you know,
because my son's here and we're

270
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:57,480
not still paying a bunch of
money to something.

271
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:01,480
But I finally keep grinding
because while I was deployed

272
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,720
I've been working on my
bachelor's degree because I knew

273
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,520
if I want to get in the
government going to have that.

274
00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,800
I had like 2 months left before
I finished it and I was already

275
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,600
out of the military still trying
to get in the government.

276
00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:16,360
Something told me just keep
applying anyway, keep trying me

277
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:18,480
with no experience how it's
supposed to work.

278
00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:23,600
I kept applying and I ended up
getting a job offer to go to DC.

279
00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:27,600
We're in Fort Campbell, KY so we
have a house that we bought

280
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,160
there.
We had to buy the house because

281
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:33,560
of how big my family was with
the wife kids and we had dogs

282
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:35,800
that we brought with us.
Nobody would let us rent an

283
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,360
apartment anywhere and rent a
house because the dogs are pit

284
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,880
bulls.
We had two pit bulls or, you

285
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:44,240
know, they thought they were
like dangerous breeds like a

286
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:47,600
German shepherd or whatnot.
And my, we're big animal people.

287
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:50,160
So we're like, no, we're not
going to abandon our dogs just

288
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,320
so we can rent a house.
So I'm like, I've never bought a

289
00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,120
house.
I'll figure out how to buy a

290
00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,800
house in two weeks.
I bought a house.

291
00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:01,320
I said we need somebody to help
us manage this property or put

292
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,840
somebody into rented so we can
move out there because we're

293
00:16:04,840 --> 00:16:07,160
going to be paying two mortgages
until we can do that.

294
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:10,880
So I go to the property
management person and I'm like,

295
00:16:11,080 --> 00:16:13,520
I need some help with the house.
Duh, duh, duh.

296
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:17,000
And he's like, I'm a retired
Sergeant major from the Army.

297
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,680
You know, trust me, I'm a
veteran as well.

298
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:24,120
So again, me I'm like, no, he
said he's a veteran.

299
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,160
He had he was a high-ranking
guy.

300
00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:28,200
He must be a leader, really
trustworthy.

301
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,960
I'm like, OK, cool.
He signed on the dotted line.

302
00:16:31,280 --> 00:16:34,520
He says I'll put my best
employee on this, my son.

303
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:37,240
So I'm like, OK, that sounds
legit.

304
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:39,680
He's going to have his son, you
know, work on this.

305
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:43,960
And so we leave and Long story
short, they didn't do background

306
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,520
checks on the people it brought
in.

307
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,920
They put in a convict wanted in
like 3 different states.

308
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,720
Apparently him and a buddy
pulled up to a Walmart, held up

309
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:56,480
an old lady at gunpoint, took
her car and all sorts of stuff

310
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:59,000
from her and just ran and just
left.

311
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:02,640
And so they had warrants out for
this guy and everything.

312
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:07,000
And again, this is me with 0
experience about how to deal

313
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:10,520
with stuff like this in life.
Trying to just make it, trying

314
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:14,359
to protect my family, feed my
family, all of that stuff.

315
00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:17,240
Just you know, it felt like I
got dropped off the deep end.

316
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,280
We figured it out because I
ended up working for the

317
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:24,119
Department of Justice and I
quickly gathered up connections

318
00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:28,359
and the local PD didn't care.
They were like warrants, not in

319
00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:32,640
this state, so good luck.
I didn't care These people were

320
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:34,720
in the house.
So I, we had to fire the

321
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:39,840
property management people and I
got the creative idea to call a

322
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:45,080
local FBI office down there in
Tennessee, told them that I'm

323
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:49,760
with the DOJ, you know, I need a
little help here, a little law

324
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,680
enforcement help, you know, from
one thread to another.

325
00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:54,920
And I said, could you guys do
something?

326
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:58,960
So they called the local PD and
the local PD listened to them

327
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:02,720
and swung by the house and it
spooked them so bad that they

328
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:04,440
left.
They abandoned the house.

329
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:08,480
And it was a guy.
The guy had the warrant for him.

330
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,800
It was his girlfriend and three
kids that were in the house.

331
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:15,160
And we had tried to get them out
before because they weren't

332
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:18,120
paying rent and the property
manager wasn't doing anything

333
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:21,160
about it.
So, you know, we got them out of

334
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:24,040
the house, but they left a dead
dog in the backyard.

335
00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,920
So all these different
experiences are happening in my

336
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,960
mind.
I'm attributing this to, man, I

337
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:34,400
can't trust veterans anymore.
I'm getting to that point where

338
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:37,960
I'm ashamed to be a veteran.
If this is how we act when we're

339
00:18:37,960 --> 00:18:39,720
out, you know, I can't trust
them.

340
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:43,240
Can't do any of that stuff.
And so that's when I really

341
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:46,240
started to feel like isolated.
I didn't even want to put on a

342
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:50,200
job application that I was a
veteran anymore or talk to other

343
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,640
vets.
I was like, I'm going to just

344
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:55,320
try to be at full on civilian
and go through my life that way.

345
00:18:56,200 --> 00:18:59,800
I know you said you used the
phrase I'm good during all this

346
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:03,040
time, So what did you, what did
I'm good mean for you?

347
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:08,000
What it meant for me is that I
would just keep moving and

348
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,880
anything I was feeling in my
mind, I would just keep

349
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,720
distracting myself, brother.
And what was always prevalent

350
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:18,840
even since high school
childhood, whatever was video

351
00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:22,600
game.
So I'm playing video games and

352
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,560
fighting for my life basically
at the same time, trying to keep

353
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,440
booger on the table, fix all
these different problems and

354
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:32,920
stuff, and just pour my emotion
into whatever distraction I had,

355
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:36,800
which was bad.
Just video games essentially.

356
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,000
If anybody ever asked what was
going on with me, that's that

357
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,720
would be the answer.
You know, I'm all right, I'm

358
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:46,120
good and nobody would really
argue with that obviously

359
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:52,360
because I kept myself kind of
isolated and on paper it looks

360
00:19:52,360 --> 00:19:54,200
good, right.
I'm working through the federal

361
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,800
government.
I got to the point where I was

362
00:19:56,800 --> 00:20:01,200
the youngest executive in that
agency making probably about 130

363
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,960
KA year and.
Just really killing it in my 20s

364
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,120
doing getting awards and
accolades and stuff like that.

365
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:11,720
So in my mind, I'm looking at
all that stuff, all those lists

366
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:14,200
of achievements and I'm like, I
have to be good, right?

367
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,920
I've got all this stuff got on
you going for me?

368
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:21,440
You know, it just came crashing
down for me because I had this

369
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:24,080
list of goals to hit.
One of them was that dollar

370
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:28,840
amount hit that 130K and I'm
sitting in my, my office there

371
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:33,840
in DC and I'm thinking, and I'm
look and I find this word doc

372
00:20:33,840 --> 00:20:36,400
that had the list of goals
checked off and stuff.

373
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,960
And I see the 130K and then I
look at my paycheck and I'm

374
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,840
like, oh, I hit that.
There wasn't a single goal after

375
00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:44,600
that.
And so my mind, this quiet

376
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,480
question popped up.
That happens for a lot of

377
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,640
veterans after they think they
achieved what they they achieved

378
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,880
what they think they wanted.
What's next?

379
00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:57,160
And when I didn't have an answer
for that question, man, I was

380
00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:00,440
floored.
That's when my mental health hit

381
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,800
the ground.
It just tanked.

382
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:07,200
And so in order to cope with it,
I said, oh, I play video games,

383
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,000
they feel good, let's play more
video games.

384
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:14,560
So my life became, even with a
wife, young kids and stuff like

385
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:17,320
that, it became work and video
games.

386
00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:21,840
That's all I had space for is to
to try to bury everything I was

387
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:24,440
feeling in video games.
And that went on for years,

388
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:27,800
thousands of dollars into these
games and all sorts of stuff.

389
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:34,880
So what finally ended that?
What ended it for me is deep

390
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:38,080
down we know as men when we're
doing something wrong and what

391
00:21:38,080 --> 00:21:41,880
we run for is we run from when
we're doing the wrong thing.

392
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:45,440
Is accountability like obviously
right as the one thing that will

393
00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:49,400
make you stop in your tracks.
My wife was obviously going to

394
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:53,320
be my accountability partner and
she is Russian and Serbian.

395
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,960
So she will never hold back,
right?

396
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:59,720
She will make sure, but I didn't
give her the opportunity because

397
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,040
I hid how much I was truly
spending on these games.

398
00:22:03,040 --> 00:22:05,520
All she saw is I was spending
lots of time on it.

399
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:09,520
The bill came in the mail one
month and it was thousands of

400
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,960
dollars spent in a month on just
games.

401
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:14,960
Like there was nothing palpable
there.

402
00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:18,040
Nothing like none investments or
anything like that.

403
00:22:18,040 --> 00:22:21,520
You know, it was just spending
on games because they just

404
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:25,560
weren't interesting enough to
keep this, this distraction

405
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,440
going.
I had to keep getting more and

406
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:29,920
more and more.
And she saw that and she was

407
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:31,800
shocked.
You know, she was like, you

408
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,600
know, we could pay more bills
with this.

409
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:35,840
We can put more food.
We could do all these different

410
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:38,400
things.
And you spent all this on games.

411
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,920
And she put her foot down and
she said, you got to go.

412
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,480
And so I did.
I packed up a duffel bag.

413
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:48,240
I went to a hotel.
And well, and you know,

414
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,640
typically most guys, they might
be stubborn, it'll take them a

415
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:55,080
few weeks to figure it out.
Took me one night.

416
00:22:55,080 --> 00:22:59,200
I was like, do I really want to?
Cuz cuz I have this flashback of

417
00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:01,960
all these times that I'm really
sure that it's not like I didn't

418
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:05,480
try to stop playing the games.
It's kind of that addiction

419
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:08,440
pattern of I would play for a
couple weeks, feel really

420
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:13,080
guilty, try to cut it all cold
Turkey, last for a few days and

421
00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:16,200
then get right back to it again.
Like, oh, problem must be gone.

422
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:19,640
Let's go back to it and fall
right back into the same vicious

423
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:21,760
pattern over and over and over
again.

424
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:25,360
So I'm having memories and
flashbacks of all those times

425
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:28,360
where I'm playing games.
There was even a time where my

426
00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:32,080
wife was pregnant in Germany and
she's sitting next to me,

427
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,840
probably just wanting attention
and all that and not saying

428
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,240
anything.
And I'm just playing on my

429
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:39,720
computer.
Just playing on my computer for

430
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:43,680
hours until she decided to just
go to bed, you know, and all

431
00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:46,440
these memories are coming back
to me and I'm feeling all this

432
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:49,720
guilt and all this weight.
And then it's kind of like God

433
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:52,280
was like, God was like, all
right, now we're going to show

434
00:23:52,280 --> 00:23:55,480
you 2 possibilities.
Kind of like that Christmas

435
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:59,040
story, you know, where here's
this, this possible future and

436
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:01,400
here's this one.
And here's the future where

437
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:04,120
you're sitting in the basement
somewhere renting a room and all

438
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:05,800
you do is play video games all
day.

439
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,840
Your kids hate you, your wife
divorces you.

440
00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:12,680
That kind of lonely life where
you're not fulfilled at all and

441
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:15,680
then here's the other life where
you're actually achieving things

442
00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:19,840
that make you feel good, you
feel peaceful, you're OK with

443
00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,240
your life and the games actually
don't exist.

444
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:25,480
You don't feel the draw to them.
And you know, I chose the, I

445
00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,600
chose the other one.
I chose the latter because I'm

446
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:31,400
here talking to you.
I probably wouldn't have gone

447
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:35,920
through their extensive improved
self improvement journey that

448
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:38,800
I've been through for the last
10 years if I hadn't made that

449
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,640
one single choice.
So I called my wife.

450
00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:45,800
I say I don't know what this is
going to look like, but I think

451
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,720
I need to make a major change.
I'm done, you know?

452
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:52,120
So I said I don't know what to
do next, but first thing I'm

453
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:54,960
going to do is come home and
sell every game, delete every

454
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:57,520
game, do whatever I can to get
all that stuff going.

455
00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,200
And I did.
I went home, I grabbed all this

456
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:04,040
stuff, threw it in a trash bag,
went to GameStop, said what can

457
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:07,640
you buy from all this stuff?
They bought what they could from

458
00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:09,360
it, you know, and the rest I
just threw away.

459
00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:13,120
I just I left that GameStop and
threw the rest in the trash can

460
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:17,240
and I still had the challenges
because I have AIT guy.

461
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:20,320
So I have a computer all the
time with me.

462
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,520
I have a phone all the time with
me and there's always games

463
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:26,400
there.
So the next step was me and my

464
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:28,920
wife decided was I need to get
with a therapist.

465
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:32,880
I find some kind of therapist to
help me go through all this.

466
00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:37,000
And she did, she, she
essentially kept working with me

467
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,920
every single week, just working
with me to continue to stay off

468
00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,920
of them because I quit cold
Turkey just straight up.

469
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,640
And she had suggested go through
like a 12 step program or

470
00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,160
something like that.
But I'm still in my head, like

471
00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:52,240
I'm a veteran.
I got to do this alone.

472
00:25:52,520 --> 00:25:55,640
So I didn't do that.
And it's so I worked out OK.

473
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,280
I, I kept going.
I never went back.

474
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:01,920
So it's been many, many years
since I've ever touched a game.

475
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:05,320
I learned some valuable lessons
about being a man.

476
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:08,520
One of them in that beginning of
working with this therapist was

477
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:11,080
vulnerability.
That's something that's carried

478
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:15,320
me through all the way to now,
you know, is just to be

479
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:17,640
vulnerable about what you're
going through.

480
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:22,440
So the first place I got a
master class in doing that was

481
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:27,160
sitting down with my kids, you
know, and my wife together and

482
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,080
just telling them your dad is an
addict.

483
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:34,680
I know you guys love to play
video games, but when I touch a

484
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:38,240
controller and when I play a
video game, it's going to go to

485
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:41,520
a whole nother level.
So I'm feeling all this shame

486
00:26:41,520 --> 00:26:44,720
and embarrassment as I read, as
I reveal all that to them.

487
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:47,760
And I'm thinking like, the kids
are going to think, you know,

488
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:51,280
I'm failed them as a father and
they're going to hate me and all

489
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:53,880
this stuff.
And they were more like, how can

490
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:56,160
we help you with that?
You know, what can we do

491
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:58,720
instead?
And that kind of almost brought

492
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,520
me to tear.
Then I'm like, wow, OK, that's

493
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:03,360
true love and support right
there.

494
00:27:03,360 --> 00:27:07,440
I never experienced that.
And so I was like, sure, you

495
00:27:07,440 --> 00:27:10,640
guys can play games.
I'll be happy to sit around you

496
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:13,840
while you play them.
But I can never join in with you

497
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:15,320
anymore.
I can't do that.

498
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:20,000
I can't take part because if I
do, I won't be the father, you

499
00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:23,200
know, and remembering, I'll go
back to being that guy.

500
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:26,680
So I, you know, we did that.
I did the vulnerability thing

501
00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:31,720
and then I went even deeper.
I'm like, man, I, I just, I need

502
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,360
to do something because all I'm
doing is working.

503
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:37,800
And then I come home and I'm
just there with my thoughts

504
00:27:38,320 --> 00:27:41,920
there with all the emotions I've
been burying from being deployed

505
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:43,880
and all that stuff.
I need to do something.

506
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:48,160
So my mind went back to when did
I feel the best?

507
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:50,880
When did I feel the best?
And it was when I was deployed

508
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:53,760
with my brothers.
We would get up every morning.

509
00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:59,960
We would do P90X workouts.
So we do those old P90X workouts

510
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:03,200
in the morning, they're on base.
We would go work out in the gym

511
00:28:03,200 --> 00:28:06,280
and hang out stuff.
And I'm like, that feels like it

512
00:28:06,280 --> 00:28:08,120
would be good thinking about
doing those.

513
00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:13,320
So I'd go download a bootleg
copy of P90X workout and I start

514
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:16,680
getting up at 3:00 every morning
before work and I just start

515
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:20,120
doing those workouts.
I realized I felt really good.

516
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:23,560
It felt like I was back with
them again, even though I was by

517
00:28:23,560 --> 00:28:25,920
myself.
And so I realized that's what I

518
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:27,840
was searching for was just more
of that.

519
00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:31,120
So then I started listening to
motivational content while I'm

520
00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:34,720
working out and I start taking
the training even further.

521
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:38,760
And I go online and I find out
there's calisthenics.

522
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,920
You know, where you can do all
this crazy stuff with your body,

523
00:28:42,160 --> 00:28:46,040
almost like you're a gymnast but
not, but you know, you can be

524
00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:47,800
more expressive with how you
work out.

525
00:28:47,800 --> 00:28:52,040
So I start training calisthenics
and P90X and all this stuff gets

526
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:54,440
too easy.
I just start building on these

527
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:58,000
things, discovering that there's
really more to me than what I

528
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:02,280
thought and getting healthier.
Now the the key piece that

529
00:29:02,280 --> 00:29:06,520
really taught me everything that
carries me to this day was when

530
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:08,800
I had the opportunity to help my
first person.

531
00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:13,600
Me and my wife had a friend from
Germany, was a military guy as

532
00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:17,800
well, military policeman, and
his situation was even crazier

533
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:20,320
than mine.
I only deployed once in 10

534
00:29:20,320 --> 00:29:22,160
years.
He deployed every other year.

535
00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:26,560
Every other year as a military
policeman is insane because your

536
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:29,680
job is to protect the base so
that you could be dealing with

537
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:34,120
car bombs, people trying to bum
rush the entrance, all sorts of

538
00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:37,200
hectic stuff that you're dealing
with all the time.

539
00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:39,600
You know you're not going to
sleep well, everything.

540
00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:43,320
So he comes out obviously with
massive problems.

541
00:29:43,320 --> 00:29:47,760
He comes out around that time
frame, goes to New York, His

542
00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:51,120
family's not supportive.
His father passes away as well.

543
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:54,240
We would have been his only
support person that could

544
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:56,040
probably understand what he's
going through.

545
00:29:56,400 --> 00:29:59,200
Passes away.
And me and my wife were like, we

546
00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:01,040
just felt like we had to do
something.

547
00:30:01,240 --> 00:30:05,240
So she, she's always the one
with the spontaneous ideas.

548
00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:09,080
She's like, well, Thanksgiving
is 2 weeks from now, invite him

549
00:30:09,080 --> 00:30:12,600
over.
They're like, invite him over.

550
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:15,120
Like stay with us over the
holidays and stuff.

551
00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:17,280
He's like, Yep, I'm like, all
right, why not?

552
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:19,240
Screw it, you know, we'll do
that.

553
00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:22,040
And so he did.
He came, stayed with us over the

554
00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:25,640
holidays, slept on the couch.
He had sleep apnea.

555
00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:28,520
So the kids got a kick out of
his snoring every night.

556
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:30,920
It's just like a great train in
the living room.

557
00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:34,840
And the kids kind of brought him
out of the shell.

558
00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:37,360
You know, when a kid comes and
grabs you and says, let's go

559
00:30:37,360 --> 00:30:40,400
play with trains, let's do all
this stuff, you can't, you can't

560
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:43,400
stay Mr. Serious forever.
So, you know, they pulled him

561
00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:46,720
out of the shell.
He was 300 lbs when he came.

562
00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:50,720
So he was overweight, obviously
depressed, PTSD, the whole 9

563
00:30:50,720 --> 00:30:54,400
yards.
I'm still working on myself at

564
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:59,520
the same time because I'm like,
I have no clue how to get back

565
00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:02,080
to where I need to be.
So I'm just going to stick with

566
00:31:02,080 --> 00:31:05,880
my routine of going down in my
basement, grinding, working out,

567
00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:09,040
listening to motivational
content, reading and things like

568
00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:11,880
that.
And I get up, sneak past him

569
00:31:11,880 --> 00:31:14,520
every morning before I go to
work and start doing that.

570
00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:17,840
And he kind of wakes up, you
know, when I looks at what I'm

571
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:21,440
doing for a week and then the
next week he comes down and

572
00:31:21,440 --> 00:31:23,040
says, what are you doing down
here, man?

573
00:31:23,040 --> 00:31:25,280
I'm always hearing the music
going and all that stuff.

574
00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:27,920
And I'm like, I'm just working
out, you know, I'm just

575
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:30,760
grinding, working on me, trying
to get back to where I need to

576
00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:33,000
be.
And he's like, can I join you?

577
00:31:33,360 --> 00:31:36,120
And so I was like kind of
uncomfortable with it because

578
00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:40,320
that have been my, you know, had
been my my little sanctuary for

579
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:43,280
so long where I feel like I'm
growing and getting better and

580
00:31:43,280 --> 00:31:46,600
I'm like, should I really have
somebody else join in with this?

581
00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:48,720
But I'm like, sure, man, go
ahead, let's do it.

582
00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:52,040
And so he comes down, he's
struggling through, you know,

583
00:31:52,040 --> 00:31:56,080
the workouts with me and stuff.
And we had some amazing memories

584
00:31:56,080 --> 00:31:58,600
and I just would keep pouring
into them.

585
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:01,360
It just came from somewhere.
I'm like, I don't know where

586
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:05,000
this is covers from, but let me
say it to him and motivate him

587
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,760
and help him.
And so you can imagine a lot of

588
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:11,680
the crazy stuff we did, like he
was £300 and I had this little

589
00:32:11,680 --> 00:32:16,000
dinky stand alone pull up bar.
And so he does his push pull up

590
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:20,360
on that and the bar is just
bending and crying for life.

591
00:32:21,480 --> 00:32:24,840
And he he, that's the first pull
up he ever got in like a long

592
00:32:24,840 --> 00:32:26,440
time.
You know, like he used to be a

593
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:29,680
bodybuilder so he knew all the
stuff, but he hadn't felt it

594
00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:32,160
before.
And he said that felt amazing.

595
00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:35,680
And so he's getting more in
shape as we keep going because

596
00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:37,520
we stayed through January as
well.

597
00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:42,120
And we're up at 4:00 AM one
morning in front of my street

598
00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:45,720
with the the two lane Rd. that's
usually empty, doing wind

599
00:32:45,720 --> 00:32:49,000
sprints from mailbox to mailbox,
just yelling.

600
00:32:49,000 --> 00:32:52,520
And it's, you know, amping each
other up like soldiers would

601
00:32:52,520 --> 00:32:54,800
usually do.
Just having a great time waking

602
00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:58,000
up the neighbors and stuff.
We just by the time we were

603
00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:03,080
done, it healed a piece of me
and he got to a place where he

604
00:33:03,080 --> 00:33:05,920
was really good too.
And he said, so I, I

605
00:33:05,920 --> 00:33:09,320
instinctively or intuitively,
which is how I usually coach

606
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,600
people when I was coaching, is
ask them like what, what's the

607
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:15,840
goal you have for yourself?
What do you want to do next?

608
00:33:15,840 --> 00:33:18,480
You know what, what is that?
And he said, you know, I really

609
00:33:18,480 --> 00:33:20,720
want to serve again.
I want to be a policeman up

610
00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:23,280
there in New York.
So I'm like, go for it, man.

611
00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:27,680
Just apply, see what happens.
So when he left out the end of

612
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:31,280
January, went applied to be in
the police Academy, he was in

613
00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:34,880
shape.
He was down from 300 to 200 lbs.

614
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:38,000
And you know, it fit and
everything because he was eating

615
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:40,080
the way I was eating.
He was working out the way I was

616
00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:43,080
working out.
And they told him no.

617
00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:45,600
They said you got PTSD on your
record.

618
00:33:45,600 --> 00:33:48,800
We just don't trust it, you
know, psychological wise.

619
00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:52,480
So they told him no, but because
of all the things we've been

620
00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:55,520
doing, he was resilient.
And he said, OK, maybe that

621
00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:58,840
dream isn't it for me.
And he became head of security

622
00:33:58,840 --> 00:34:02,680
at a psych facility and just
started doing that, helping

623
00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:07,120
people stay safe in that
facility and kept doing that.

624
00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:10,120
And he still works different
types of security positions and

625
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:12,400
stuff to this day.
I still talk to him.

626
00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:15,040
He's actually going to come this
Christmas possibly as well.

627
00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:19,199
So he has a even, he's even a
single father with a daughter

628
00:34:19,239 --> 00:34:22,000
now.
And you know, I like to think

629
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:25,920
that that's the first person I
truly helped and, and figured

630
00:34:25,920 --> 00:34:27,840
myself out in the same process
too.

631
00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:32,120
There's two guys, two men just
grinding it out, figuring our

632
00:34:32,120 --> 00:34:34,880
shit out, you know?
So is that really when you

633
00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:38,719
discovered the power of
brotherhood and the power and

634
00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:41,639
the good feelings that you being
of service, being being a coach

635
00:34:41,639 --> 00:34:45,239
brought to you?
Well, it's kind of like it.

636
00:34:45,480 --> 00:34:49,080
It woken back up because that's
what the military builds you on,

637
00:34:49,719 --> 00:34:52,960
Brotherhood and sisterhood.
Because when you're deployed, if

638
00:34:52,960 --> 00:34:55,400
you don't have that kind of
connection where you would give

639
00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:58,760
your life to the other person,
it's very likely that the

640
00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:00,880
mission isn't going to be
successful, which is what the

641
00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:03,600
military's thinking like.
So they're like, how can we get

642
00:35:03,600 --> 00:35:07,640
these people to bond as strong
as possible as quickly as

643
00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:08,880
possible?
We're going to put them in the

644
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:11,920
same uniform.
Do what's called fear bonding.

645
00:35:11,920 --> 00:35:14,800
You're all going to do crazy
training and experiences

646
00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:17,960
together and go through all
these things together so that we

647
00:35:17,960 --> 00:35:20,120
can build this tight, cohesive
team.

648
00:35:20,480 --> 00:35:22,320
I just didn't know that's what
was happening.

649
00:35:22,320 --> 00:35:25,240
And then it just kind of woke up
when I'm working with him, like,

650
00:35:25,840 --> 00:35:28,480
oh, this feels really good, you
know?

651
00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:31,280
And that's when I was like, OK,
that's part of the puzzle that

652
00:35:31,280 --> 00:35:32,240
was missing.
Cool.

653
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:35,880
I want, I want to go back to
when your wife kicks you out and

654
00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,760
Yep, I 'cause I, I think it's
miraculous that this was a

655
00:35:39,760 --> 00:35:43,800
positive turning point for you
instead of a death spiral, which

656
00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:45,400
is what it is for so many other
men.

657
00:35:45,720 --> 00:35:49,600
So what do you think it was that
that made you make the best out

658
00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:53,120
of a really poor situation?
I don't know, I just have this

659
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:56,240
weird way of thinking, like
family kind of calls it mind

660
00:35:56,240 --> 00:35:58,200
over manner.
And I was thinking like, what do

661
00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:01,920
I want?
You know, because I've been

662
00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:06,320
there before the other side
where I'm alone, playing video

663
00:36:06,320 --> 00:36:09,360
games, living this life I hate
because that's what my life was

664
00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:13,400
like in high school.
I didn't take part in any of the

665
00:36:13,400 --> 00:36:15,840
activities in high school except
prom.

666
00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:19,480
When I quit sports, all I would
do was work and go to school.

667
00:36:19,640 --> 00:36:23,160
And so I knew what that felt
like already.

668
00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:27,240
And it was kind of like, I don't
want to go back to that anymore.

669
00:36:27,720 --> 00:36:32,000
And so in my mind, it became a
very simple choice.

670
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:35,400
You know, yeah, this is going to
be painful and hard, but you've

671
00:36:35,400 --> 00:36:37,200
dealt with painful and hard
before.

672
00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:41,160
So might as well go right back
to it and and see if it makes

673
00:36:41,160 --> 00:36:43,640
your life better because the
other option isn't going to be

674
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:46,960
worth it at all.
The way I equate it to is this

675
00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:50,840
one question is it's something I
taught other people that I coach

676
00:36:50,840 --> 00:36:52,280
to, and it's am I going to quit
now?

677
00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:56,400
Because when you ask yourself a
question, like, even if you

678
00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:58,840
don't mean to get an answer,
your mind is going to

679
00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:02,160
immediately answer for you.
It just slips right through the

680
00:37:02,160 --> 00:37:04,360
veil, you know, can't get
filtered out.

681
00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:07,120
And so you ask yourself that
question, am I going to quit

682
00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:08,720
now?
The answer is going to be no.

683
00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:12,840
And so once the answer becomes
no, your only option at that

684
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:14,960
point is to begin to think of
solutions.

685
00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:19,000
And you start thinking of
options and solutions instead of

686
00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:21,960
quitting then you're moving
forward then.

687
00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:23,080
Come on.
Yeah.

688
00:37:23,080 --> 00:37:25,240
That our brain really exists to
answer questions.

689
00:37:25,240 --> 00:37:27,800
So it is all about.
Thank God you're asking more

690
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:30,320
uplifting questions.
If you know, if I was in that

691
00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:33,160
situation, I would have been
asking like, why does everything

692
00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:35,560
suck so much?
Why what I screw up did get here

693
00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:38,360
and and that would be part of
that spiral down.

694
00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:42,200
So I'm glad you didn't go there.
And it you know, hearing your

695
00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:46,960
story, it really feels like love
is what you got to go the the

696
00:37:46,960 --> 00:37:49,800
love for your children, love for
your wife, the love you knew

697
00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:51,600
existed for you very.
True.

698
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:53,960
Yeah, cool.
Very true.

699
00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:55,800
That was it too.
Yeah.

700
00:37:55,800 --> 00:38:00,320
Because I think, yeah, I think
if it was just me by myself

701
00:38:01,080 --> 00:38:03,640
facing the same challenges, I
probably would have ended up

702
00:38:03,640 --> 00:38:05,560
going all the way to being
homeless.

703
00:38:05,560 --> 00:38:09,160
You know, like I think I just
didn't want to let them down as

704
00:38:09,160 --> 00:38:12,000
well.
Why are so many vets terrified

705
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:14,360
to talk about what's really
going on for them?

706
00:38:15,440 --> 00:38:17,000
There's a lot of different
reasons.

707
00:38:17,000 --> 00:38:20,960
Some of them could be like me.
We had lots of bad experiences

708
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:26,920
and we're afraid to open up
because we've been shown a few

709
00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:30,720
times or time and time again
that when we open up even just a

710
00:38:30,720 --> 00:38:35,160
little bit or try to, you know,
let ourselves open to trust

711
00:38:35,160 --> 00:38:38,160
something or someone, we get let
down.

712
00:38:38,520 --> 00:38:44,680
And so as a soldier that we are,
we know serve and we're depended

713
00:38:44,680 --> 00:38:48,560
on and all those things.
So we're going to just, we're

714
00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:52,280
going to smush it all down and
just keep driving forward not

715
00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:54,080
realizing there's an expiration
date.

716
00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:56,800
So there's that.
Then there's the the way the

717
00:38:56,800 --> 00:39:00,120
military programs you, they're
not trying to program you to be

718
00:39:00,120 --> 00:39:04,840
an emotional healthy employee.
They're trying to turn you into

719
00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:07,160
a killing machine, for lack of a
better word.

720
00:39:07,560 --> 00:39:10,840
And killing machines are more
efficient when they don't have,

721
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:14,040
you know, emotions.
So they're like, there is no

722
00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:16,600
real emotion here.
It's just focusing on the

723
00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:19,800
mission, though.
It's basically like you're

724
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:24,440
taught to keep smashing down
that emotion and ignoring it

725
00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:28,920
because someone could lose their
lives because you're distracted

726
00:39:28,920 --> 00:39:30,960
by your emotions and everything
like that.

727
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:35,840
What happens is the big issue
is, OK, that's how you you're

728
00:39:35,840 --> 00:39:38,960
going to function while you're
in, but there's nothing to

729
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:44,000
deprogram that when you get out.
So guys will continue that way

730
00:39:44,360 --> 00:39:48,240
until they can't anymore until
so or until maybe somebody's

731
00:39:48,240 --> 00:39:50,960
able to reach them and get them
to see, OK, we got to start

732
00:39:50,960 --> 00:39:52,920
making changes.
Yeah, there, there.

733
00:39:52,920 --> 00:39:56,920
There's no opposite of boot
camp, No, no healthy exit camp

734
00:39:57,240 --> 00:40:01,240
that would really stick you up.
So tell me about before 22.

735
00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:08,080
So the 422 is based on that
premise where there just isn't.

736
00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:12,000
There's just a huge gap there
where guys are getting out of

737
00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:15,280
the military, they're getting
out by surprise, they're getting

738
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:17,960
out 'cause they think they want
to or they're planned to.

739
00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:22,400
And once they're actually out
and the structure and

740
00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:26,240
camaraderie and everything in
the military is gone, they feel

741
00:40:26,240 --> 00:40:28,080
like they're dropped by the
wayside.

742
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:32,160
That void shows up, that
darkness in your chest shows up.

743
00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:35,640
Like you, man, I missed that.
I wish I was back there cuz now

744
00:40:35,640 --> 00:40:38,760
this doesn't feel very safe,
secure anymore.

745
00:40:38,760 --> 00:40:43,720
And I don't know what's missing.
And so Before 22 exists to put

746
00:40:43,720 --> 00:40:48,160
words to those emotions and
those feelings that are coming

747
00:40:48,160 --> 00:40:52,480
up, but not just leave you with
that, not like hand you that and

748
00:40:52,480 --> 00:40:54,240
say, OK, that's how you're
feeling.

749
00:40:54,480 --> 00:40:58,480
It's kind of like leading you to
OK, so if something's missing,

750
00:40:58,480 --> 00:41:01,040
what's missing?
And so we try to teach them

751
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:04,600
about purpose, try to teach them
about finding a brotherhood

752
00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:08,120
because we have the group Before
22 that we try to bring people

753
00:41:08,120 --> 00:41:09,960
in there.
But we're like, if you don't go

754
00:41:09,960 --> 00:41:13,400
there, find some place like
that, you know, try different

755
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:18,040
things there.
And Before 22 is essential, a

756
00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:21,840
shot out in the darkness that
speaks so deeply to what you're

757
00:41:21,840 --> 00:41:25,960
feeling that if you've been
struggling, we call them silent

758
00:41:25,960 --> 00:41:27,800
warriors.
If you've been a silent warrior

759
00:41:27,800 --> 00:41:31,440
struggling for a long time, just
keeping quiet about it, just

760
00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:35,360
something about our message
makes you wake up and decide,

761
00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:38,000
OK, I'm going to say something
or I'm going to ask for help.

762
00:41:38,360 --> 00:41:41,600
And so many times we'll see in
the comments section, people are

763
00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:45,920
just saying, like, we had a guy
come in there a month or so ago

764
00:41:45,920 --> 00:41:48,200
saying, you know, I'm just
thinking about taking my own

765
00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:51,360
life already, you know, but I
don't want to leave my family

766
00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:53,360
behind.
And I'm not sure what to do to

767
00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:57,000
get help, you know?
And so like, that's just one

768
00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:59,760
example.
But that guy, he served in the

769
00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:02,920
military, got out, became a
firefighter.

770
00:42:03,120 --> 00:42:06,440
So that's even more stuff that
he's dealing with.

771
00:42:06,440 --> 00:42:09,280
And he's an active, he was an
active firefighter.

772
00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:12,520
And there they have this thing
where they're linked to your

773
00:42:12,520 --> 00:42:14,840
health insurance.
So if you try to use your

774
00:42:14,840 --> 00:42:19,600
assurance to go get some type of
psychiatric or psychological

775
00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:24,440
care, it will flag you and they
could review you to remove you

776
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:27,480
from your career just because
you tried to go get help for

777
00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:31,840
your mental health.
And so he he telling us that

778
00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:35,560
like, I need help.
I don't want to lose my family,

779
00:42:36,000 --> 00:42:39,560
but if I try to go get this
help, I'm going to lose

780
00:42:39,560 --> 00:42:41,560
everything.
You know, I'm going to lose my

781
00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:44,480
livelihood and I'm going to be
able to feed and support my

782
00:42:44,480 --> 00:42:47,200
family.
So it's like a huge catch 22.

783
00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:49,720
We were like, holy crap, I
always find help.

784
00:42:49,720 --> 00:42:53,920
We, we did, we, we made so many
calls and we found places where

785
00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:57,400
it's like if you pay cash, we
don't need to go for your

786
00:42:57,400 --> 00:43:00,120
insurance at all or anything.
We'll have a bed available.

787
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:02,040
You take some leave, you come
stay with us.

788
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:04,920
You get yourself together, you
go back to your life, found a

789
00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:08,560
place with a bed open for him
and he got the help he needed.

790
00:43:08,880 --> 00:43:13,320
But those are the gaps that are
out there for these soldiers

791
00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:16,960
that come out of the military.
They feel like they're dropped

792
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:20,120
out of the wayside and they'll
just sit with that.

793
00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:24,560
And me, luckily I naturally
progressed to going through all

794
00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:26,680
that stuff.
I did have moments where I

795
00:43:26,680 --> 00:43:31,000
thought of taking my own life as
well, but I luckily was I had

796
00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:34,880
people that would do things like
they one guy convinced me to go

797
00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:38,240
to this three-week program.
That program ultimately saved my

798
00:43:38,240 --> 00:43:42,200
life because I sat down first
person I sat down with when they

799
00:43:42,200 --> 00:43:45,680
flew me out there to stay at
this program that I thought was

800
00:43:45,680 --> 00:43:48,680
going to be all about getting a
fitness cert, but it was really

801
00:43:48,680 --> 00:43:52,680
about, you know, psychological
health and things like that

802
00:43:52,680 --> 00:43:55,520
along with the fitness stuff.
I sit down in front of the

803
00:43:55,520 --> 00:43:59,400
psychologist, His name was
Johnny, and he's just got this

804
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:03,040
upbeat energy and he's just
talking to me like I've never

805
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:07,040
been talked to before, just
asking me about stuff because of

806
00:44:07,040 --> 00:44:09,320
me going there.
Put my marriage on the rocks.

807
00:44:09,320 --> 00:44:11,840
My wife was like, you're leaving
us to go do this.

808
00:44:11,840 --> 00:44:13,240
And I don't understand what's
going on.

809
00:44:13,240 --> 00:44:15,760
I couldn't tell her.
I'm thinking about not being

810
00:44:15,760 --> 00:44:18,280
around anymore, so I need to do
something.

811
00:44:18,720 --> 00:44:22,920
So I just had to make the choice
to go get that help and put it

812
00:44:22,920 --> 00:44:24,360
back together when I can't.
Hulk.

813
00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:28,000
So I'm feeling all that and he
can see it and he's speaking to

814
00:44:28,000 --> 00:44:30,000
me about all that.
He's like, don't worry about it

815
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:32,280
man, we'll figure it out as we
go, blah, blah, blah.

816
00:44:32,640 --> 00:44:36,000
But then what stuck with me was
at the end, he was like, all

817
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:38,040
right, man, you're going to do
great here.

818
00:44:38,120 --> 00:44:40,160
I'm here every single day.
We're always going to be

819
00:44:40,160 --> 00:44:41,960
talking.
I love you, brother.

820
00:44:42,360 --> 00:44:44,120
That's what he said.
He looked me straight in the

821
00:44:44,120 --> 00:44:45,920
eyes.
And he was like, I love you,

822
00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:49,160
brother.
And that was the first grown man

823
00:44:49,720 --> 00:44:52,040
ever to say that to me.
Isn't that crazy?

824
00:44:52,960 --> 00:44:56,480
The first grown man in my entire
life to say, like, I love you.

825
00:44:57,000 --> 00:44:58,760
And I didn't even know what to
do with that one.

826
00:44:58,760 --> 00:45:04,120
I was like, OK, yeah, I just
walked away back to the table,

827
00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:07,560
but thank you.
But that, yeah, it stuck with

828
00:45:07,560 --> 00:45:09,520
me, man.
And I was like, why?

829
00:45:09,520 --> 00:45:12,920
Why am I?
Why is that feel so awkward to

830
00:45:12,920 --> 00:45:15,200
me?
Why does that that's something

831
00:45:15,200 --> 00:45:18,080
that was like amazing.
You know, I want to just, that

832
00:45:18,080 --> 00:45:23,240
just shook my entire foundation.
And I try to create, I want to

833
00:45:23,240 --> 00:45:27,160
create experiences like that
with Before 22.

834
00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:32,480
And I want to do it at the level
of social media because there

835
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:35,640
are veterans always in the
middle of the night scrolling

836
00:45:35,880 --> 00:45:39,960
looking for something.
And if I can hit them with the

837
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:43,720
right video at the right time,
and that's another life saved

838
00:45:43,720 --> 00:45:46,920
right there.
Before they even have to go sit

839
00:45:46,920 --> 00:45:50,160
down in front of a therapist,
before they're even figuring out

840
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:52,360
what to do and they're maybe
thinking they don't want to be

841
00:45:52,360 --> 00:45:55,960
around anymore.
I can get a message to them.

842
00:45:56,400 --> 00:45:59,640
And then if they, they usually
are compelled to reach out if

843
00:45:59,640 --> 00:46:03,360
they're at that level of pain.
And then I have the opportunity

844
00:46:03,600 --> 00:46:06,480
to route them with the different
resources that we're building

845
00:46:06,480 --> 00:46:08,880
and linking up and setting up
and things like that.

846
00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:13,240
And we're also, and the thing
that's controversial about

847
00:46:13,240 --> 00:46:15,840
before 22 as well as we're not a
non profit.

848
00:46:16,280 --> 00:46:20,440
Oh, everything, every resource I
get and create is going to go

849
00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:23,400
towards helping veterans and
allowing me to keep helping

850
00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:25,800
them.
But I'm doing it running it as a

851
00:46:25,800 --> 00:46:29,680
business because I had the
benefit of seeing inside a lot

852
00:46:29,680 --> 00:46:33,520
of these veteran nonprofits And
the well is like dry, you know,

853
00:46:33,520 --> 00:46:36,120
like I tried to get guys help
and stuff like that.

854
00:46:36,120 --> 00:46:39,240
And they'd always be like, we
don't have space available.

855
00:46:39,240 --> 00:46:41,400
We don't have resources, we
don't have money.

856
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:46,640
And I'm like, if we had a viable
product that did that, you know,

857
00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:50,200
was like a win, win.
Did this for that person that

858
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:52,760
paid and gave you the resources
to help.

859
00:46:52,760 --> 00:46:55,080
That would be it.
We could make as much resources

860
00:46:55,080 --> 00:46:58,360
as we need and never have to
hear no when a guy comes and

861
00:46:58,360 --> 00:47:01,240
asks for help.
So I said before 22 will be

862
00:47:01,240 --> 00:47:04,200
about making apparel and
spreading these messages.

863
00:47:04,560 --> 00:47:08,160
And now the apparel will be an
extension of the messages being

864
00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:11,560
spread because when you wear the
shirt before 22, it says the

865
00:47:11,560 --> 00:47:14,120
mission is to survive or
whatever other stuff I come up

866
00:47:14,120 --> 00:47:16,080
with.
You know, people will ask,

867
00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:18,800
especially veterans because it
kind of speaks to them, you

868
00:47:18,800 --> 00:47:20,920
know, on a deep level.
It'll be like, what's that

869
00:47:20,920 --> 00:47:22,800
about?
And you can be like, go check

870
00:47:22,800 --> 00:47:24,960
out this video.
This is what it is.

871
00:47:25,360 --> 00:47:29,200
And then that's another person
that maybe needed some help that

872
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:31,720
will be able to get it, be able
to join the group, find a

873
00:47:31,720 --> 00:47:35,840
brotherhood, find something.
It amazes and saddens me still

874
00:47:35,840 --> 00:47:38,360
that, you know, we're
encouraging men to be

875
00:47:38,360 --> 00:47:41,280
vulnerable, to tell them it's OK
to ask for help and get help and

876
00:47:41,280 --> 00:47:43,880
you're worthy of support.
And then there's still aspects

877
00:47:43,880 --> 00:47:45,560
of society that will punish
them.

878
00:47:46,160 --> 00:47:48,440
You know your job at risk, you
put your family at list, you put

879
00:47:48,440 --> 00:47:51,360
your livelihood at risk.
It's it's fucking horrible.

880
00:47:52,040 --> 00:47:53,480
So what?
What is the meaning?

881
00:47:53,480 --> 00:47:59,120
What is before 22 mean?
The statistic used to be that 22

882
00:47:59,120 --> 00:48:01,560
veterans a day were taking their
own lives.

883
00:48:02,280 --> 00:48:07,320
It's more like 60 now. the VA
just doesn't keep track of it

884
00:48:07,480 --> 00:48:10,600
because when a veteran takes
their own life, the death

885
00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:13,440
certificate isn't typically
reported to the VA.

886
00:48:14,040 --> 00:48:17,480
They're not clamoring to get
that statistic or information

887
00:48:17,480 --> 00:48:22,200
either because that means that
they're failing at their task of

888
00:48:22,200 --> 00:48:27,840
protecting and helping veterans.
So but 22 a day is the coin term

889
00:48:28,120 --> 00:48:31,920
that is well known across
veteran communities and law

890
00:48:31,920 --> 00:48:35,360
enforcement and 1st responder
across the, you know, social

891
00:48:35,360 --> 00:48:38,160
media.
So we said we want to catch you

892
00:48:38,160 --> 00:48:43,200
before you become one of the 22.
So you came with the 4/22?

893
00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:48,680
So if there's a guy out there
who's obviously shutting down

894
00:48:48,680 --> 00:48:50,680
and in trouble to the people
around him, but he's staying

895
00:48:50,680 --> 00:48:54,480
silent, what's some advice for
for his friends, for his family?

896
00:48:54,480 --> 00:48:55,720
What?
What can they do to help him?

897
00:48:56,360 --> 00:49:00,800
The advice is to have courage
because I've actually helped a

898
00:49:00,800 --> 00:49:04,720
few families that way as well,
where sometimes you'll get the

899
00:49:04,720 --> 00:49:08,320
guy that's quiet and reserved
and depressed and would just be

900
00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:11,400
like, you know, I'm all right
and just melts away.

901
00:49:11,640 --> 00:49:14,520
But then you'll get the other
kind that gets defensive but

902
00:49:14,520 --> 00:49:17,720
loud and tries to kind of scare
you away.

903
00:49:18,240 --> 00:49:22,280
And it's like, as a family
member, you don't have to sit

904
00:49:22,280 --> 00:49:26,480
there and take the face value
answer just because it's awkward

905
00:49:26,480 --> 00:49:28,320
or it's going to be a tough
conversation.

906
00:49:28,320 --> 00:49:30,400
And you can kind of feel that in
your soul.

907
00:49:30,840 --> 00:49:33,920
You can be like, no, what's
really going on?

908
00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:38,000
I know something's up, so let me
know what's going on.

909
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:42,840
And it takes one family member
usually, like one of the last

910
00:49:42,840 --> 00:49:46,280
one was a black sheep, you know,
his sister, you like, you know

911
00:49:46,280 --> 00:49:48,520
what, what do I need to do?
And it was kind of like she's

912
00:49:48,520 --> 00:49:51,880
going to yell, he's going to
he's going to throw a tantrum.

913
00:49:52,240 --> 00:49:53,840
He's definitely not going to
hurt you.

914
00:49:53,960 --> 00:49:57,680
He loves you, but he's trying to
scare you away because you know,

915
00:49:57,680 --> 00:49:59,440
he's got all this trauma and
stuff going on.

916
00:50:00,040 --> 00:50:02,880
But what you're going to do is
keep bringing it up.

917
00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:06,280
If he throws the tantrum, sure,
go ahead and go away.

918
00:50:06,280 --> 00:50:09,080
But when he comes trying to talk
to you about something else,

919
00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:12,280
you're just bringing up again
and again until he was like, all

920
00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:15,720
right, fine, I'll go talk to
somebody and mission

921
00:50:15,720 --> 00:50:17,600
accomplished.
Then you get him to the next

922
00:50:17,600 --> 00:50:19,480
step where he'll at least speak
to somebody.

923
00:50:20,080 --> 00:50:24,120
Because what's scary, that's the
other thing I teach families, is

924
00:50:24,160 --> 00:50:28,160
if he's showing emotion, whether
it's sadness or fear,

925
00:50:28,160 --> 00:50:31,560
frustration, annoyance, anger,
any of those that's that's

926
00:50:31,600 --> 00:50:33,520
actually a good thing.
They're like, that's good.

927
00:50:33,600 --> 00:50:37,640
And I'm like, yeah, it's good
because the worst place that

928
00:50:37,640 --> 00:50:39,920
they can be is an absence of
emotion.

929
00:50:39,920 --> 00:50:43,720
Apathy.
When you're apathetic, when

930
00:50:43,720 --> 00:50:46,680
different thoughts come into
your head, they become truths,

931
00:50:46,840 --> 00:50:50,360
they become fact.
So the thought of maybe it'd be

932
00:50:50,360 --> 00:50:52,120
better if I'm not around
anymore.

933
00:50:52,480 --> 00:50:55,560
When you're in the place of
apathy, that's when that

934
00:50:55,560 --> 00:51:00,000
decision becomes an action.
More likely the barrier between

935
00:51:00,240 --> 00:51:04,440
just a thought and taking an
action, that barrier is just

936
00:51:04,440 --> 00:51:07,560
dropped.
And so if they're at that place

937
00:51:07,560 --> 00:51:11,440
where a lot of those things just
don't bring them joy anymore, or

938
00:51:11,440 --> 00:51:13,880
they don't want to play video
games, they don't want to go out

939
00:51:13,880 --> 00:51:18,040
anymore and and they just seem
like an emotional robot, that's

940
00:51:18,040 --> 00:51:21,080
the place where you want to try
to figure out how to get them to

941
00:51:21,120 --> 00:51:24,160
feel something again.
Lewis, what's the best way for

942
00:51:24,160 --> 00:51:25,920
people to connect with you,
follow you?

943
00:51:26,840 --> 00:51:32,040
Best way is on any of the
platforms you can find me is Vet

944
00:51:32,040 --> 00:51:36,280
Coach Lewis or you can find the
organization as before 22.

945
00:51:36,720 --> 00:51:40,760
Both sides of the same coin.
I speak personally from my

946
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:45,840
experiences on Vet Coach Lewis
and I teach everything I learned

947
00:51:45,840 --> 00:51:50,360
as a coach, coaching
entrepreneurs and and business

948
00:51:50,360 --> 00:51:52,080
owners and professionals and
stuff.

949
00:51:52,080 --> 00:51:55,120
I just put it out for free on
there just trying to help as

950
00:51:55,120 --> 00:51:59,000
many as I can.
And then on before 22, those are

951
00:51:59,000 --> 00:52:03,440
voice over AI videos completely
written and designed by me with

952
00:52:03,440 --> 00:52:06,840
the imagery and everything like
that, that will speak to

953
00:52:06,840 --> 00:52:09,720
somebody who's struggling or
somebody that needs a new

954
00:52:09,720 --> 00:52:13,880
perspective in the effort to
help them see themselves in the

955
00:52:13,880 --> 00:52:17,080
video and say, OK, me write
something, let me comment.

956
00:52:17,080 --> 00:52:20,360
So if if you want to connect
with me, that's great.

957
00:52:20,360 --> 00:52:22,800
But if you do find someone
that's struggling, just tell

958
00:52:22,800 --> 00:52:26,200
them to search before 22 and
take a look at a video at the

959
00:52:26,200 --> 00:52:29,200
top end.
They'll probably connect with

960
00:52:29,200 --> 00:52:32,480
that message quickly and realize
maybe this is something I should

961
00:52:32,480 --> 00:52:35,920
look deeper into.
And finally, Lewis, what do you

962
00:52:35,920 --> 00:52:43,480
wish more men knew?
I wish more men knew to to don't

963
00:52:43,480 --> 00:52:48,160
beat yourself up because nobody
hasn't figured out 100%.

964
00:52:48,800 --> 00:52:53,160
And so the best thing that you
can do as a man is to try to get

965
00:52:53,160 --> 00:52:57,080
around those you feel are
further ahead than you are and

966
00:52:57,080 --> 00:52:59,840
give yourself grace for the
mistakes that you made.

967
00:53:00,120 --> 00:53:03,480
And not to say that you don't
feel anything from making the

968
00:53:03,480 --> 00:53:06,360
mistake and you're not going to
try to correct it, but it's a

969
00:53:06,360 --> 00:53:10,440
lot easier process if you don't
beat yourself up over it because

970
00:53:10,440 --> 00:53:14,080
you have to look at your life,
the life of those that came

971
00:53:14,080 --> 00:53:16,760
before you.
And I look at my parents, you

972
00:53:16,760 --> 00:53:21,240
know, the father, my biological
father, he's kind of emotionally

973
00:53:21,240 --> 00:53:24,720
disconnected.
We have a good relationship, but

974
00:53:24,880 --> 00:53:28,000
he's not as connected as
emotions or as vulnerable as I

975
00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:30,320
am.
He's coming along, you know,

976
00:53:30,480 --> 00:53:34,760
talking to me, but you have to
say they worked with everything

977
00:53:34,760 --> 00:53:38,000
they had available to me, all
the tools and all that stuff.

978
00:53:38,000 --> 00:53:41,840
And you're doing everything that
you experienced and all the

979
00:53:41,840 --> 00:53:43,920
tools you had.
You're doing the best you can

980
00:53:43,920 --> 00:53:46,920
what you've got.
So just try to figure out how to

981
00:53:46,920 --> 00:53:50,000
do more and learn more and be
around the right people.

982
00:53:50,640 --> 00:53:53,440
Awesome.
Oh, man, I'm so glad that you

983
00:53:53,440 --> 00:53:57,200
got over your fear of trusting
vets and they're now helping

984
00:53:57,200 --> 00:53:59,320
them.
And you found the joy of service

985
00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:02,080
in how it can reward you and all
the people you touch.

986
00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:05,400
We, we need that.
We need an army of Lewis's.

987
00:54:06,040 --> 00:54:07,920
Thanks for joining us today.
And thanks to Louis Stockley

988
00:54:07,920 --> 00:54:09,680
junior.
He's living proof that the war

989
00:54:09,680 --> 00:54:13,640
inside ends the moment Amanda
sides to stop hiding and start

990
00:54:13,640 --> 00:54:15,520
speaking truth.
If something in this

991
00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:18,240
conversation woke something up
for you, don't let it fade.

992
00:54:18,520 --> 00:54:22,200
Don't go back to I'm good.
If you're not, check out Lewis's

993
00:54:22,200 --> 00:54:24,880
work at Before 22.
And if you're a man looking for

994
00:54:24,880 --> 00:54:28,280
community connection and a place
to take the masks off without

995
00:54:28,280 --> 00:54:32,200
judgement, join me inside
Authentic AF, my online men's

996
00:54:32,200 --> 00:54:34,000
community.
We have men's groups, guided

997
00:54:34,000 --> 00:54:37,080
meditations, real conversation,
and a space where you don't have

998
00:54:37,080 --> 00:54:40,400
to pretend.
Visit realmenfield.org/group and

999
00:54:40,400 --> 00:54:43,280
step inside.
And until next time, be good to

1000
00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:43,640
yourself.