WTF Happened? Where Is Andy?

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Hello and welcome to real men.
Feel I'm your host author.

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Coach and healer.
Andy grant real men feel, is he

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had to remind men that they are
human beings and they have the

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right, the need and the desire
to express all of their

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emotions.
I stopped doing that.

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I stopped expressing my
emotions.

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I stopped doing this podcast.
This is my first episode since

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October 20 21.
I pretty much stopped doing

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everything last November.
I didn't just drop the ball.

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I punctured it.
I crushed it.

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I fucking destroyed the ball and
hit it.

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I didn't want it to ever be
found again.

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Today, I'm going to attempt to
share a bit about why?

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First off, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

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I let this giant gap of shows go
on and on whether this is your

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first episode or you've been
listening for years.

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You deserve better than me just
Vanishing.

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I even had some guests planned
to do last fall and I never did

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it.
I've ignored lots of messages

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from people wanting to be guests
on the show to in the past eight

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months.
I'm going to start by reading

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something I wrote on Facebook
last week.

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It was July first.
My birthday that I finally

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opened up and Shared what are we
going on?

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I considered doing this as a
video, but it felt like that

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might go even more off the rails
than writing, To everyone who

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has reached out in recent months
and been ignored.

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It is me, don't take it.
Personally, you were correct.

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And wondering if something was
wrong.

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I've been extremely withdrawn
lethargic and apathetic since

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November.
I had taken some of my deepest

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training yet with the modern
mystery school programs that I

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look forward to for years and
that I was so sure of until I

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completed them.
I was stunned at my reaction.

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I had and still having an
existential crisis, I didn't

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know what was real and what was
I wasn't sure about anything

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I've thought or done riddled
with such deep doubts.

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Not able or perhaps willing to
accept what's real.

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I realized I did not have the
faith.

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The solid belief that I saw in
my fellow students, it's very

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hard to explain, but what I did
was pull back Retreat.

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Withdraw, stop doing anything
positive.

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No podcasts, no men's group, no
meditations, no, taking

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responsibility, or care of
anything.

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I wanted to quit.
I wanted to stop being me to

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stop being here at this time.
I had some distorted plan to

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withdraw and force myself into a
corner.

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So they would have to take some
action, make some decision good

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or bad.
For eight months.

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I've just watched each day pass
going to sleep, is my favorite

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part of each day and waking up
is the worst I've gone from

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being in the best shape of my
adult life to the worst, all

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positive daily practices
abandoned I wish I could say, I

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sought help.
I can't even say I wanted to

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feel better.
I just want it to stop being I

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feel horribly ashamed that I'm
again in such a dark place.

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Did I choose to stay in it?
I hate the worry and concern.

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I create for my wife and my
mother.

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Did I make no changes?
There are plenty of things going

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on in our world that don't seem
good.

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And I've used them all to
justify my shitty mind.

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Maybe finally sharing this
signifies a shift.

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I don't mean to scare you.
I don't mean to disappoint you.

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You can't help anyone.
That doesn't want to be helped.

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My will to be helped is still in
doubt.

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If I ever created or shared
something that helped you

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awesome do.
As I say, not as I do I truly

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hope that you all treat
yourselves far better than I've

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been treating myself.
This message is not any sort of

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suicide note, it is an attempted
explanation and I suppose

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confession Love and light to
you, Andy.

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Hundreds of people responded to
that post dozens privately,

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messaged me.
It definitely was the bottoming

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out it reaching out admitting
this was what I needed and this

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is the first time that I could
say, the line, I feel horribly

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ashamed.
Without breaking down without

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being overcome with emotion and
that was something new that

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really struck me.
Shame is the original sin and

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I'm kind of amazed.
I haven't spoken about it

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before.
Perhaps this is the first time

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I'm going that deep since it is
at the bottom of the emotional

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range, emotional map, this whole
experience did feel different

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like old issues but added a new
newer level?

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Your last fall when I was still
doing shows and speaking to

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people and september/october, I
could fear feel this fear

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Rising.
Lots of shows about fear.

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But underneath that fear has
been shamed.

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In fact, I want to talk about
that human scale.

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That scale of emotions, the
scale of what's it called?

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Is from dr.
David Hawkins in his book, power

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versus Force came out in 1994.
And he had this this map of

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human emotions.
This this map of Consciousness

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and at the very peak of it is
Enlightenment, he had a scaled

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measured a scale of zero to a
thousand and seven hundred and

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above was enlightened, it just
below Enlightenment is Joy love

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reason, acceptance, just below
acceptances willingness and then

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there's neutrality kind of the
midpoint.

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And you know, when I've worked
with people coaching, people

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always like if you can't accept,
you know, your own Your Love,

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you're reaching for happiness.
She of just if he can stick

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willingness can be the breaking
point to all those higher

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emotions, those higher,
vibrations and energies, and

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just below neutrality is
courage.

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Pride anger below, anger is
desire.

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Hello, desire is fear as I
shared.

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I was a lot of fear going on in
my life last fall.

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Hello, fear is grief.
And then apathy.

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And I was really apathy and
bodied, I didn't want to do a

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thing.
I really just watch the clock

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day after day after day.
Below.

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Apathy is guilt.
And I felt guilty.

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For being in this dark hole
again and for choosing to it was

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so much of my choice.
I didn't want to be helped, I

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wanted to feel as bad as I
could.

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Okay, I I mentioned wanting to
back myself into a corner to see

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what I would do.
And Below all of those emotions.

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The very bottom emotion, we can
feel is shame.

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I was ashamed.
Of what I've done to myself.

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I was ashamed that I ignored the
people that tried to reach out

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to me.
I don't know how many dozens and

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dozens of emails, phone calls
texts that I've ignored of less

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8 months.
More recently I began responding

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to people fine nothing, what's
up, you know, just make them go

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away.
But Universe kept getting

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louder.
And there were days, you know,

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three or four people would reach
out the same day.

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That guy.
Alright, getting these new

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ideas.
Alright, I gotta break out of

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this.
I've been obsessing plotting

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hoping wishing to be dead to not
be And eventually.

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I had to bottom out.
I had to share.

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And let the plug out of the
damn, I was so withdrawn, I was

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not emotional.
I was depressed without feeling

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I felt like completely
disconnected from my body.

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Last December in a good mood.
I had bought tickets to see

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Metallica their 40th anniversary
in San Francisco, but as it got

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closer, I was like, I do you
want me to fucking go?

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I only went because a friend of
mine had bought a ticket and

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he's meeting me there.
But I can still remember being

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at that show.
And thinking, if somehow I was

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given the chance, the chance of
choosing just die right now or

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see the rest of the show.
I thought I would choose death.

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And then in January, my friend
had a trip to Egypt which again

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a year ago from this time trip
of a lifetime.

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So excited.
Can't get here soon enough.

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then, as it was there, I was
hoping it would be canceled.

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I was hoping covid-19 out.
But Egypt was so new, so many

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amazing things, it kind of
forced me to present, so I

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didn't have a horrible
experience, but I, I knew I

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wasn't fully me and again, I was
so disassociated from my own

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self.
I can barely remember that trip

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at all.
Side.

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Shame for all of this.
And it's something I've never

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dug into.
I've done shows talking about

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that.
I've been sexually abused as a

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kid when I was 5 years old and I
somehow always thought being

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able to say that knowing it
happened was was all the healing

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that needed to take place but
you know, shame is so embedded

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in sexual assault victims and I,
This whole pattern, it's an old

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pattern but it's been in a
different way.

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Somehow even, even when I was
feeling my most suicidal and

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plotting and planning, I knew I
couldn't do it.

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You know, some people call the
suicide the easy way out and it

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is not fucking easy.
It is hard and it's hard because

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it's not Were Meant to do,
right?

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Life wants us to be here.
Other people want us to be here.

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I might withdraw was so deep and
full, it was like I was trying

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on being dead.
I wanted.

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To see that life went on.
I wanted to see that I could be

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ignored and forgotten easily.
And underneath all that is

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fucking shame.
I'm ashamed.

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I dropped the show.
I'm ashamed of the men's groups

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that I was leading and I just
fucking abandoned. machine that

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I created the wars of Credit the
worst holiday season of My Life.

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And I don't, I don't say this
for the sake of sympathy to be

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some kind of martyr.
I want you to know that for the

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last eight months, I often went
five days without a shower.

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I went weeks without leaving my
house.

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I did not exercise meditate
Journal, never got a, I was

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getting monthly massages and
healings.

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Nope, none of that shit.
I didn't buy a single gift for

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the holidays.
I shut down, as much as I

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possibly could.
I want you to know that.

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In case.
You are now or ever are in a

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similar state.
You can come out of it.

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I am coming out of it.
I have felt Joy, I have felt the

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love.
I've let people, I'm willing to

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be helped, I'm willing to feel
better.

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I couldn't say that for a long
fucking time.

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I'm willing to stop shaming
myself for repeating.

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My oldest mental habits and
patterns because they feel the

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most fucking comfortable.
Depression and suicidal thinking

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are in a way my oldest dearest
friends, but their friends that

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don't fucking help me.
They're bad friends, I wanted to

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get new friends.
Again, I tried to force myself

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into this corner.
I tried to become this caged,

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animal thinking, that I will
either jump back into life right

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away or end it.
That was a horrible, horrible

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plan.
I knew it was horrible.

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While I was thinking it, while I
was deciding to do this, I knew

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this was wrong.
Yet I persistent Now I'm willing

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to get help, I am getting help,
I've been reaching out and

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talking, I've things are in
motion.

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I'm here, doing this.
I'm going to unpack it all.

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Again, I don't recall speaking
of or even feeling or voicing

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shame before in my life.
So even though it seems and I

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judge myself that I'm covering
the same ground, this is newer

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deeper, all the healing and
growth.

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I've done is letting me
experience and be aware of and

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conscious and look at and heal
the shame, you know, this lowest

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heaviest emotion.
I've stopped in the past that

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fear and I lived in apathy until
I was willing to touch into the

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shame.
So, keep plugging on.

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In my experience suicide is not
the easy way out.

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Life wants us here.
Life wants you here.

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People in your life.
Wants you here.

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Your soul wants you here. part
of not part of my not leaving

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the house for weeks at a time, I
know is so I wouldn't be able to

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act on some of my shittiest,
plots and plans So hold my

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wishing praying, hoping and
planning.

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I knew it was pointless.
I know it wasn't gonna do it but

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that was my spiralling down.
Because it sucks.

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Until I wanted to be helped
until I was willing to feel

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better, nobody could do a
fucking thing.

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A stronger aspect of me knows.
I have to stick this out.

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Now, sure you.
I don't always like it.

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I sure every time I have the
Dark Night of the Soul, every

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time I'm in this place, I really
expected to be the last Maybe

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someday it will be.
I'm not sure what's next for the

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show.
I think I'll do some more things

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like this for a little while.
I don't know how to want to

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promise anything that I That I
can't be sure that I can deliver

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on.
You know, over the last couple

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of years, I invested a lot of
time and money into room and

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filled with business, coaches
and podcast, coaches and

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production help.
And I'm just back just to me.

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Part of feeling like a flop and
Ally part of the doubts of

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everything I was ever doing was
this was real men.

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Feel, you know, I never grew a
massive audience people.

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I've seem to assume it's much
more successful and impactful

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than it is but you know the
people that impacts I do hear

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from.
So Fuck.

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Am I saying?
No.

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I know, but even part of that,
you know, they shame in that,

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not not being huge, Part of my
doubts and existential crisis

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was, you know, is this helping
anybody?

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Am I just spreading or
encouraging weakness?

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But one thing I know for sure,
Is that being vulnerable being

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authentic, being open and honest
being myself isn't weak.

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I can own the district's.
This takes courage, this takes

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bravery for, for lack of a
better term.

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Let's take the fucking balls.
So, I'm pretty sure I will talk

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to you again.
I don't know when I'm digging

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into therapy for the first time
in I think 15 years.

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I'm willing to heal the shame to
release it so, I can rise back

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up and You know, I really did
live at love and that joy for

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long periods of time more joy
than ever thought was possible

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for me.
So, I know I can get there

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again, and I know you can get
there again or for the first

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time.
But shutting down not feeling,

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not the way, not the way.
Please let me know if this

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resonates with you at all.
Leave a comment.

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Send me a message if you're
interested in more shows like

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this me just going solo.
Until next time, be good to

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yourself, please.
Until next time, be good to

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00:18:52,300 --> 00:18:54,800
yourself, please.