Vulnerability, Alpha Myths, and Redefining Confidence

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The ones that had the
admiration, the ones that we

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still talk about, all of them
allowed the people they were

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leading to see who they were and
give them a reason to follow

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them.
You know, you the, this image of

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the stoic male, you know, proud
and reserved and unbending.

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There's so much more to that.
You don't get people to have

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that admiration with you if they
don't understand the man behind

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the mask.
Hello and welcome to Real Men

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Field.
I'm your host, Andy Grant.

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Today I'm joined by Tyler Foley,
a keynote speaker, author of The

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Power to Speak Naked, and
someone who spent his life

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helping people communicate with
confidence, authenticity, and

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truth.
In our conversation, we explore

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masculinity, leadership,
vulnerability, and why so many

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men struggle with jealousy,
control, and the notion of being

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alpha.
We also talked about what real

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confidence looks like in
relationships, especially when

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your partner has freedom,
success, and autonomy.

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This is a powerful one.
If you want to continue

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conversations like this, join
our private online community,

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Authentic AF, at
realmenfeel.org/group.

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Let's do it.
Hello Tyler, and welcome to Real

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Men Feel.
Oh, Andy, thank you so much for

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having me on.
I am so glad that we were able

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to connect.
It's been a bit of a time

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getting us to actually get
together, but I've been so

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excited to have this
conversation.

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And, and first of all, just as a
as a fan, thank you for what

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you're doing as as a man, thank
you for what you're doing as a

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father.
Thank you for what you're doing

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as a husband.
Thank you for what you're doing.

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This show is one that is, I
think, needed in the world and I

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really appreciate all that
you've done and put together so

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far.
Awesome.

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Thank you.
I really appreciate that.

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What a what a great way to start
my show in a week and then the

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whole year and all that great
stuff.

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All right.
Yes.

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Your life has been deeply rooted
in performance communication.

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You, you were a child actor.
Now you're a keynote speaker.

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You wrote your book The Power to
Speak Naked.

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So how has your identity as a
communicator shaped your view of

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what it means to be a man?
I think all things, not just

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being a communicator, have
shaped what it is for me to be a

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man like I I had a lot of
influences.

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It's interesting because the
influences that were in place to

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make me the communicator that I
am are actually rooted in the

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men in my life who guided me.
My father passed away when I was

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six years old.
And you know, they say it takes

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a village to raise a child.
I had an entire community that

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came together to help my mom
raise me and my sister and I had

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some incredible surrogate father
figures in my life.

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I think Doctor Bob Corbett, who
was there to show me a lot of

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these communication skills and,
you know, helped me in my

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Masonic journey.
And I think of even my mom's

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boy, long term boyfriend Tim,
who was a musician and an

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entrepreneur, really helped
guide and shape my journey onto

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the stage, which really
propelled me into this public

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speaking realm.
And to be able to do it at such

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a young age where I didn't know
that those were things that you

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needed to be scared of.
So I've naturally taken a

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leadership role in a lot of the
things that I have done, and I

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don't think that is necessarily
a masculine or feminine thing,

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but it is definitely something
that has helped me become the

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man that I am.
Is the the ability to

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communicate, the ability to
connect, the really honestly,

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the ability to feel comfortable
in my own skin, telling my own

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story like I have you.
If you ask my wife, I have

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absolutely no shame.
And I think a lot of that came

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from a very early age, having
multiple influences, both a

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mathematic and a science
influence as well as an artistic

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influence.
I even think of, you know, my

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teacher in elementary school,
George Stone, who was the father

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of one of my best friends in
school, Liam Stone, and David

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Graham and his father.
They were educators, and my dad

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was an educator.
So they knew my dad.

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And so they kind of looked out
for me.

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And that, you know, helped push
my scholastic endeavors.

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I was a straight A student
throughout all of school until I

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hit about grade 11 and my grades
slid, not because I wasn't a

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good student, but because I just
literally stopped caring.

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Because at that point I knew I
was going to be in performance

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and I was going to a Fine Arts
high school.

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And it was more I put more value
on time in rehearsal.

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Then I'm doing homework.
I could still do it.

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And which was funny, when I went
back to university, I went back

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to having, you know, a four
point O grade average.

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So I have a lot of that to owe
to the men in my life.

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So I know it didn't quite answer
your question, but there was a

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lot of influences that led me to
where I am.

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And I think it's a disservice
not to acknowledge that that it

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was this melting pot of
influence that created me to be

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the man and the leader that I am
today.

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Awesome, because that was
another question I had.

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So because you lost your dad at
age 6, did friends of your

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father being involved in your
life help him have even more of

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an impact on you since he wasn't
there to raise you?

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Yes.
And and you know, when again my

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dad was an educator and he took
a one year sabbatical, he was

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going to start a restaurant with
my uncle.

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And when he passed, I think it,
I think it hit my uncle hard.

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I remember blaming my uncle for
my dad's death, and I remember

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him pulling me aside and saying
that that wasn't the case, that,

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you know, he wasn't responsible.
But when I look back on it, you

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know, 40 years later with the
lens that I have now, I think he

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was having that conversation not
to convince me, but to convince

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himself.
Because the reality is my uncle

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was not responsible for my
father's death.

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My father and him were working
very hard, very late nights

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restaurant.
You know, being a restaurant

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tour is not an easy thing.
Being an entrepreneur is not an

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easy thing.
Starting a business is not an

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easy thing.
And particularly starting a

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restaurant is not an easy thing.
And so he he was putting in like

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1820 hour days.
And we lived in a rural

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community South of Calgary where
I grew up.

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And at the time the highway
wasn't even twinned.

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And so my dad was driving in and
out from the city like an hour

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and 10 hour and 20 minutes each
day one way.

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So you're looking at, you know,
almost 2 1/2 to 3 hours of

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commute time on top of the the
work and again, be in a

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restaurant too.
Tour is not easy.

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And so my dad was fatigued.
He he was tired and he fell

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asleep at the wheel managed to
hit like literally the only

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concrete structure in easily
1520 mile radius on back row Rd.

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coming into my town.
I just drifted off to sleep and

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and did it at the exact wrong
time.

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Not my uncle's fault but I do
know that both him and my aunt

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stepped up incredibly.
I never needed or wanted for

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anything.
My mom you know it must have

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been.
I can't imagine the struggle

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that my mom went through.
My wife and I are very affluent

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and have a child singular and I
struggle parenting the one and

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we outnumber her two to one.
For my mom to do the things that

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she did the way that she did
them.

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I mean, again, she had a lot of
support, but I also think that,

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you know, she needed to ask for
the support and she had a voice,

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you know, one of the first
people that I ever learned to

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the communication.
Mom was never afraid to say this

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is where we are and I need help,
you know, from my grandfather,

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my uncle Brad and my Aunt Terry,
even the the members of the

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community.
I mean, Don Duthrite was my

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hockey coach and, you know, took
me out and, and helped like

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every, everybody, everybody came
together.

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And so, yeah, I think, I think
there was a large component of.

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And the nice thing is, is,
again, you know, if I'd have

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been raised just by my dad, I
would have, I would have

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developed drastically different.
You know, that would have been

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just the one influence to be
able to grab this melting pot

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and to literally cherry pick the
traits that I liked and the

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traits that I didn't.
You know, for all the things

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that I loved about Tim, and
there were many, there are a lot

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of things that I hated about
him.

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And there are many.
And it's interesting because I,

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I mean, I even still have a
T-shirt right now that says if I

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can't be a good influence, I'll
be a hell of a good warning.

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And Tim was both for me.
How do you reconcile

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vulnerability, which is very
apparent in in your style and in

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your work?
How do you reconcile that with

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the traditional notion of what
it means to be masculine?

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But so what's interesting is I
don't in my world viewpoint, I

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don't think there's a
difference.

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You look at some of the great
leaders, they are not afraid to

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be passionate, they're not
afraid to say what they believe.

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And I think the ones that get
the most admiration and respect.

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So there's a, there's a few that
have let out of fear, but there

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was always a revolt that
followed that.

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The ones that had the
admiration, the ones that we

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still talk about, all of them
allowed the people they were

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leading to see who they were
and, and give them a reason to

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follow them.
And so I don't think you know,

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you, the, this image of the
stoic male, you know, proud and

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reserved and unbending.
There's so much more to that.

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You, you don't get, you don't
get people to have that

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admiration with you if they
don't understand the, the man

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behind the mask.
And so I think it's, I think

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it's one of those things where I
almost feel like it's a modern

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myth, this stoic man that has
come about in the last maybe 100

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and 5200 years with the rise of
capitalism.

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As you know, I'm not against
earning money, Lord knows.

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But I do think that it's
actually more of a Western myth,

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having lived in, you know, 3
continents and, and seen some of

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the other, like, I mean, even
the maternal structure of some

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cultures, you know, South
American to a degree.

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Definitely when you get into
Southern Europe, right?

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Like you have a matriarch of the
family and, and the men are the

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men are men and the women are
women and the, the 2 coexist as

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opposed to lead.
I don't know it.

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I, I honestly think that.
And I think part of it too is,

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is the language that we use
cause words have meanings.

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So when we say vulnerability,
that's an exposure of something

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soft and gushy.
And I don't think it's actually

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the right word, right?
I'm not being vulnerable when I

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share my stories.
For some it may seem vulnerable

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because I'm letting you in to
the inside.

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And I think that's more of what
the terminology should be, is

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I'm not being vulnerable, I'm
being welcoming.

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I can let you into my castle and
still have all of the guards in

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place to keep out unwanted
threats, but there's still a lot

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of festivals that I can throw
inside of these walls.

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And I want the entire
countryside, the entire fiefdom

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to come in and the kingdoms
around.

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I want to welcome you in because
I'm going to vet what the

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hostile threats are.
And that's why I have all of

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these defenses to keep you out.
But I I it's yeah, I think, I

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think the problem is the
language that we're using, not

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necessarily what it is.
Very, very strong leaders.

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You know, the strongest in the
times.

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I mean, you King Arthur had the
round table.

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No one was because no one was at
the head of the table.

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That is a great leader, that
mythical leader.

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People still talk about Arthur
the Great and why?

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Because of an inclusivity and a
willingness to open up the

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Kingdom metaphorically and
physically.

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I really like that.
Yeah.

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I've I've not heard a reframe
around vulnerability like a

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vulnerability like that.
Yeah.

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Welcoming.
That's that's yeah, that that

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works.
Tyler, what did you?

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What do you mean by the power to
speak naked?

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It's funny that we're talking
about vulnerability in the gushy

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parts.
So the most effective leaders,

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the ones who stand out, who, who
get the, the leadership and, and

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00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:50,160
get the followers are not the
bravest.

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00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:53,040
They're the ones who have
overcome the fear of saying the

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00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,640
thing that they're coveting the,
the raw naked truth.

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00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,400
A lot of times, you know, when
somebody's talking and you're

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00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:02,760
like, my, my BS meter is flying
through the roof right now.

229
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:08,000
You're not, you're telling me
the truth, but you're not being

230
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:11,280
honest.
And there is a difference

231
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:16,960
between the two of that.
And I think for me, the power to

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00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,840
speak naked is that ability to
strip down to the raw naked

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00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,240
truth.
Power didn't Speak Naked is

234
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:25,120
actually multi layered.
The reason the book is titled

235
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:30,400
that way is I do want people to
say the raw naked truth and

236
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:33,960
strip it down to to the essence
of the story so that you're

237
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,440
being both honest and true.
But I also think that

238
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:40,440
presentations are done best
without all the gimmicks.

239
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:43,480
Like you and I are having a
really good conversation and I

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00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:45,320
hope that your audience is
served by it.

241
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,680
And we've already given them a
couple of Nuggets, and we've

242
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:49,880
managed to do that without a
PowerPoint, without a

243
00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:54,080
soundtrack, without lasers and
smoke machines and all of the

244
00:14:54,080 --> 00:15:00,880
rest of the stuff that, when
done well, can enhance a

245
00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:04,320
presentation.
But it isn't necessary.

246
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,920
If you can't do this, all the
rest of it is gimmick and won't

247
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:10,640
help your message land.
You need to be able to tell the

248
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:14,960
raw naked truth without the
gimmicks, without the props.

249
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:21,280
And as dumb as it is, I do want
to empower people to feel so

250
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:24,800
confident in their messaging
that if they wanted to, they

251
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:30,000
could go out onto the stage in
the Emperor's new clothes and

252
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,080
nobody would notice because they
would just be captivated by the

253
00:15:33,080 --> 00:15:36,560
messaging that it wouldn't
matter what they are wearing.

254
00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:40,680
And so to me, that's, that's the
power to speak naked for you to

255
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:46,120
be able to strip away the BS hum
out.

256
00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:49,080
And you know the other one that
I hate the word that I really

257
00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:52,960
hate authenticity.
I hate that word.

258
00:15:53,280 --> 00:15:56,120
Authenticity is synonymous with
self-awareness to me.

259
00:15:56,280 --> 00:16:00,360
So you need to be self aware,
then you're authentic because I

260
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:03,160
see so many people right now
that, well, that's the authentic

261
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:07,440
me and the authentic them is a
mask so that they can go out and

262
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:09,760
use a whole bunch of curse words
and be real.

263
00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:13,480
No, that is not being real.
That is you being an ass.

264
00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:18,080
Stop it, stop it.
Because the I, I, I hate, I

265
00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:19,840
just, there's something about
it.

266
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,360
It's nails on a chalkboard for
me.

267
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,560
Well, it's a good thing I didn't
put on my authentic AFT shirt

268
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:29,040
today, but I like that, too.
Yeah.

269
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:32,280
Because, yeah, claiming to be
authentic doesn't mean you are,

270
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,960
that's for sure.
And but, yeah, so they have.

271
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:37,560
There's an asshole level of
authenticity that that is

272
00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,800
running rampant is it has become
such a buzzword.

273
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,920
So I know from the first time
that we spoke, Tyler, you shared

274
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:47,080
that your partner works in a
male dominated industry and you

275
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:50,360
often get asked, doesn't it
bother you that your wife has

276
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:53,200
such freedom?
So how do you respond to that?

277
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:57,360
I would hope my wife has that
freedom because I have the same

278
00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,280
freedom.
You know, it's funny that you

279
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:04,240
mention it.
My wife is literally over the

280
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:10,560
weekend got a call from her VP
and she's had to lay off half of

281
00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:15,680
her staff just before Christmas.
And oh, oh, that hurt.

282
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:19,480
That hurt her, that hurt her.
She spent all of last night

283
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:23,760
crying because then the word,
she kept repeating it over and

284
00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:26,599
over again.
But I got such a good team, you

285
00:17:26,599 --> 00:17:30,080
know, we had such a good team.
And she had camaraderie.

286
00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:34,320
She had built a a group of men
around her who respected her,

287
00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:36,680
you know, and that's hard for
her because she is in the

288
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:40,320
construction industry and, and
large construction projects.

289
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:43,880
She does, you know, multi unit
residential and to a high

290
00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,840
degree.
So like our project right now, I

291
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:50,280
think is over 200 units that
she's putting together in this

292
00:17:50,280 --> 00:17:55,160
project.
And so when she has the ability

293
00:17:55,160 --> 00:18:00,000
to build a team and build
relationships, right, like it,

294
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,160
like you can't have a team
without good relationships.

295
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:08,000
So for me, somebody who
understands the not only the

296
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,320
importance, but the value of
relationships, I think it's

297
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:18,560
critical that my wife have these
personal relationships with her

298
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:25,280
professional peers and
subordinates because that is

299
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:28,040
what makes her successful.
And the beautiful thing is when

300
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,680
my wife is successful, I am
successful.

301
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:35,920
Our household does better.
You know, my wife and I have a

302
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,120
very healthy and playful
competition on who's going to

303
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:42,000
earn more money this year.
I'm winning this year.

304
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:48,520
She has won the last two.
But it, you know, because we are

305
00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:52,360
able to support each other, My
wife is very consistent with her

306
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:56,240
income.
And a lot of that has to do with

307
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:57,840
the relationships that she
builds.

308
00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:03,080
And so I think it's important
for me if I want to succeed

309
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:07,200
within my household to a give
her the the freedom and the

310
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:12,720
flexibility to work late or have
a business lunch or a business

311
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:16,360
dinner with these male
colleagues because she's doing

312
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:17,600
it with her female colleagues
too.

313
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,600
It's just she's in a male
dominated arena.

314
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:25,320
So it's statistically she's
going to have way more dinners

315
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:28,080
and lunches with guys than she
is with girls.

316
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:32,600
But ultimately, at the end of
the day, she comes home to me

317
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:37,480
like it is our bed she falls
asleep in, and it's our room

318
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:42,960
that she finds as a sanctuary.
It's my hug that she needs when

319
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:46,680
she's had a bad day to melt
into, to feel safe.

320
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,880
She's not getting out from
anybody else.

321
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:54,200
So I, I don't, I don't know.
I think the ultimate question

322
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:55,680
there, Andy, is am I threatened
by it?

323
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:58,440
No, no, I'm not.
I think it's important that she

324
00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:02,720
has that because the other thing
is too, that strengthens our

325
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:07,960
relationship because she can't,
she, she's not getting that

326
00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:11,120
somewhere else.
She needs me.

327
00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:14,920
I need to be there for her.
I need to be conscious of that

328
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,680
and supportive of that.
I need to be the safe haven

329
00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:22,160
because she's mine and I.
I think it's important that we

330
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:27,240
continue to foster that
continually and touch base and,

331
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,000
and you know how she's doing.
Like I said, she cried last

332
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:31,800
night and I needed to know what
did you need?

333
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,200
I asked her.
I'm like, do you want to go for

334
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,800
breakfast in the morning?
Because the VP told her, you

335
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,360
know, don't come in till 11.
We have all these meetings with

336
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:44,720
HR and then you're going to
going to come in and, and we'll

337
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,200
deal with this.
We got to get everybody prepped

338
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:49,320
first and then then you'll do
the deed.

339
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,880
And so I wanted to know, I'm
like, what, what do you need?

340
00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:56,520
She's like, no, I, I need time
on my own to process this.

341
00:20:56,920 --> 00:21:00,160
I'm like, OK, what do you need?
After she goes, I don't know,

342
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:03,680
but I'll fall.
So I've kind of left the day

343
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:07,160
open for her.
This was really good timing.

344
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:09,200
I was actually really thankful
that I didn't have to phone you

345
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:10,960
and cancel.
And then I was in a panic

346
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,680
because as you know, I was
having tech issues and I'm like,

347
00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:15,120
no, this is the, this is the
show that I wanted to do.

348
00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:17,240
And it's the perfect timing I
need to be on for Andy.

349
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:21,280
So you since we've gone through
a couple terms that you don't

350
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,040
like, I'm going to bring up one
that I despise.

351
00:21:25,360 --> 00:21:28,000
I imagine the people that ask
you the questions about are you

352
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,240
know, are you worried about your
wife being out there or loose in

353
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:33,560
the world that they might say
that you're not being alpha

354
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:36,000
enough.
How do you challenge that

355
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,960
stereotype?
Yeah, I I hate that word too,

356
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,400
partly because I don't think the
people who are using it actually

357
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:46,560
understand the term analogy.
I find it hilarious because it's

358
00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,320
like from like the alpha male,
the alpha wolf, right?

359
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:54,080
And if anybody's actually worked
around wolves, they work in a

360
00:21:54,080 --> 00:21:56,480
pack.
It's the lone wolf that dies.

361
00:21:56,640 --> 00:22:01,080
You may have one who asserts
dominance and may lead the pack,

362
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:04,600
but that isn't alpha isn't
correct.

363
00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:06,640
They're it's a, it's team.
Everybody has a role.

364
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,160
Everybody has a thing.
So yeah, no, I hate alpha too.

365
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,120
And I frankly, the people who
are like, you're not being alpha

366
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:14,000
enough.
I'm like, I know somebody who's

367
00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:19,360
compensating because I don't
need to assert myself.

368
00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:22,920
I only assert myself when I have
to.

369
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,720
And I think it, I think that
actually, if you, we were to

370
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:28,920
have like a leadership or a
dominance play, I think that's

371
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:32,440
the time, right?
I don't, it's, it's, it's that

372
00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:36,400
really bad joke about the bull
and the calf that are standing

373
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:39,560
up at the top of the, the hill,
right?

374
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,680
And the baby calf is like, well,
which one are we going to sleep

375
00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:46,920
with, right?
And like, you know, let's run

376
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,320
down there and have our way with
one of these cows.

377
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:52,400
And the big bull goes, why would
we run down?

378
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:57,680
Just walk down and come all you
know, And like, that's that to

379
00:22:57,680 --> 00:23:01,760
me is, is the male bravado, the
comfort in your own?

380
00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:05,960
I don't, I don't need to assert
myself to know that I'm a man.

381
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:12,200
In fact, my ability to temper
myself and know what like, make

382
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,920
no mistake, I will fight.
There's a really good comedian,

383
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:20,160
Brad Williams.
He's a little person and his dad

384
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:22,120
taught him at a young age.
You know, people are going to

385
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:24,040
pick on you.
So you need to be able to fight

386
00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:27,120
back.
He and he tells a really funny

387
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:31,040
story about a time he got called
into principal's office and it

388
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:33,920
and the principal phoned the dad
and he's like, your son has been

389
00:23:33,920 --> 00:23:36,440
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
And his dad says, you know, he's

390
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,320
in a fight.
And his dad says, well, did he

391
00:23:38,320 --> 00:23:42,480
start it or did he finish it?
And I, I, I teach that to my

392
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:45,040
daughter.
Did you start it or did you

393
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:47,920
finish it?
Because I will never start a

394
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,680
fight.
I am a pacifist by nature.

395
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:57,440
I'm 5 foot 8 and 140 lbs.
But I can assure you I will

396
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:01,120
finish the fight.
I mean I'm a hockey goalie.

397
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:06,120
I have a good healthy
established temper and it needs

398
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:10,880
an outlet every once in a while.
And I I remember once a guy was

399
00:24:10,880 --> 00:24:13,880
just being an absolute a hole on
the ice.

400
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:18,560
I play in, you know, beer league
rec hockey and this guy was an

401
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,680
ex European player.
I never made the show.

402
00:24:21,680 --> 00:24:23,720
And you could tell by the way
that he wanted to play because

403
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:27,680
he needed to again assert
himself be the alpha and he was.

404
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,640
He was ringing things off of my
mask on purpose because I knew

405
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:35,120
he could pick the corners.
So he would like if I came out

406
00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:40,480
and challenged too much, he'd
bring it off my mask And I was

407
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,760
just frustrated.
So knowing that he was going to

408
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:46,160
do that, there's and I'm not
that good a goalie that I could

409
00:24:46,480 --> 00:24:49,040
perfectly time it.
But I'm like, I'm pretty sure if

410
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:54,160
I give him my mask and then do
this, he'll have a hole here and

411
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:57,320
he'll choose to pick the hole.
But if I put my glove there

412
00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:00,120
right when he's on a release, I
know where he's going to go

413
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:03,560
because he wants to go here.
And if I move it over, sure

414
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:06,360
enough he did it.
And so I held up the puck like

415
00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:10,400
this and he was so mad when he
came around the net, he hit me

416
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,480
in the back of the head with a
stick.

417
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:17,960
Now this guy was probably 6263,
probably about 2:40.

418
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:24,120
He started it, I finished it.
He didn't see it coming.

419
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:28,400
I rushed him at center ice and
before he even knew what was

420
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:30,640
going, I had ten hits in.
I had him down.

421
00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:34,680
I'm only 140 lbs normal, but
when you put gear on me, I'm

422
00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,520
close to 200.
It's a lot of goalie gear.

423
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:43,240
And that guy had no idea what
was coming and he never, I don't

424
00:25:43,240 --> 00:25:45,920
even think I ever saw him play
again in that league.

425
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:49,080
Well, I got ejected too, but I
was worth it.

426
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:51,440
But I think I think that's the
difference.

427
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:54,720
Like you need to know when to
stand up for yourself and when

428
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:56,520
you're just being a douche
canoe.

429
00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:59,160
I don't need to stand up for
myself with my wife.

430
00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:01,880
My wife is perfectly capable of
standing up on her own or she

431
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,200
wouldn't be as successful in the
industry that she is.

432
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:08,680
If she needs me to come to her
side, I will be there.

433
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:12,800
She asks.
I don't insert myself, she asks.

434
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:16,320
I help.
If I need to defend myself, I

435
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:20,280
will, but I'm not going to start
the fight because again, 5 foot

436
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:23,360
840 lbs, why would I start the
fight?

437
00:26:24,880 --> 00:26:28,040
That's that's, that's bad
defense, right?

438
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:32,440
I think that's the issue with
this whole alpha idea, this need

439
00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:38,280
to, you know, truly masculine
men walk into the room and you

440
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,920
know, they've entered.
I am that guy.

441
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:44,960
I've been that guy most of my
life.

442
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,200
I don't need a huge physical
presence for people to know that

443
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:51,640
I'm in the room.
The difference is I know what to

444
00:26:51,640 --> 00:26:56,880
do with that.
And I know the not only the

445
00:26:56,880 --> 00:27:01,320
power that comes with that, but
the responsibility that comes

446
00:27:01,320 --> 00:27:05,720
with that.
And if I'm going to dominate a

447
00:27:05,720 --> 00:27:08,080
room, I'm going to leave that
room better than I found it.

448
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,760
And I think that's what puts me
into a solid leadership

449
00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:16,760
foundation.
Is there a way that you used to

450
00:27:16,760 --> 00:27:21,680
assert yourself or perform as a
man that you no longer do?

451
00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:25,840
Oh yeah, when I was younger I
was.

452
00:27:26,560 --> 00:27:29,160
Remember the little Chihuahua
and the Bulldog and the Looney

453
00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:30,480
Tunes?
Yeah.

454
00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:35,280
I was the, I was the yappy
little Chihuahua.

455
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,480
You know, I needed to be seen
because I was little and I

456
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:40,160
wanted to be seen and I wanted
to do it.

457
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:43,680
And again, great leadership,
great mentorship.

458
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:47,440
Bob Corbett took me aside.
You know, you don't need to do

459
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:51,120
that.
This is some of the best leaders

460
00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:53,240
in the world.
Listen before they speak.

461
00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:58,520
Little bit of advice, you know,
a little bit of steerage.

462
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:02,120
I know Jim Semt, who is the
director at the Albert High

463
00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:05,200
School of Fine Arts.
I said something similar to me

464
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:07,000
and it took me a while to get
that lesson.

465
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:11,000
Like even when I started my
safety career, I thought I

466
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,880
needed to.
I really thought I needed again,

467
00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:17,480
male dominated construction, oil
and gas construction no less,

468
00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:20,320
like all those guys.
And I thought I needed to come

469
00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:25,240
in and match the bravado.
They didn't respect me and why

470
00:28:25,240 --> 00:28:26,760
would they?
I didn't do their job.

471
00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:29,600
I'm half their size and I'm got
the I don't, I don't have the

472
00:28:29,600 --> 00:28:31,600
skill set or the experience that
they have.

473
00:28:31,840 --> 00:28:34,440
So why would they listen to me?
And that's when I realized they

474
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:39,240
have no reason to listen to me,
so I should start listening to

475
00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:43,600
them.
And that minor tweak in a

476
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:46,400
toolbox talk, you know,
everybody hates it.

477
00:28:46,400 --> 00:28:48,600
Like if anybody who's in
construction just heard that

478
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:50,640
word, they're like, oh, God,
right.

479
00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:53,760
They hit them right here.
They're like, oh, it's the worst

480
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:56,360
part of my morning is the 15
minutes that they waste when I

481
00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:58,160
could be on the tools and
actually doing something

482
00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,480
productive.
But they're critical.

483
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:03,200
They're actually really are
important, but most people don't

484
00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:06,040
do them right.
And so when I'm doing a toolbox

485
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:08,240
talk, I'm, it's, I'm asking
questions.

486
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:11,680
I'm not dictating or in the
worst, everybody's been with the

487
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:14,920
toolbox talk where the foreman
gets like the, the safety

488
00:29:14,920 --> 00:29:18,200
messaging from safety and he
just reads it out loud.

489
00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:22,760
And today we're going to talk
about slips, trips and falls.

490
00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:25,560
There's been a lot of snow on
the ground and it's like, Oh my

491
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:27,880
God, lobotomy.
Like it.

492
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:32,080
I I when I realized that the
best thing I could do is have

493
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:38,480
other people provide input, that
ability for me to control a room

494
00:29:38,480 --> 00:29:44,840
and control an environment and
be an A real leader changed.

495
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:49,400
What's the best way for people
to connect with you, and is

496
00:29:49,400 --> 00:29:52,000
there any particular social
media platforms you're most

497
00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:55,600
active on?
Yeah, I'm old school.

498
00:29:56,080 --> 00:29:57,320
I know.
I don't look it from close to

499
00:29:57,320 --> 00:30:01,160
50, so Facebook is my jam.
So we got a lot of stuff on

500
00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:04,800
Facebook and Instagram, but
honestly, my website, anybody

501
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:08,280
wants to connect with me coming
to seantylerfoley.com and Sean

502
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:12,680
spelled the proper Irish way is
is the fastest way to connect

503
00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,120
and find out what I'm doing,
where I'm at, what my calendar

504
00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:16,720
looks like.
Book in with my calendar.

505
00:30:17,000 --> 00:30:20,480
If you want to have a chat that
that's kind of the one stop shop

506
00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:23,760
and then you can find the social
of your preference and connect

507
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:27,360
with me there.
I tend to be fairly active on

508
00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:32,320
from a professional standpoint,
but there is no there is no bad

509
00:30:32,320 --> 00:30:36,960
way to reach me.
There's just the better ways and

510
00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:38,440
and the website is usually the
best.

511
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:42,760
And finally, tell her, what do
you wish more men knew?

512
00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:52,280
I wish that more men knew that
and we'd alluded to it and

513
00:30:52,280 --> 00:30:55,800
discussed it earlier.
This notion of masculine and

514
00:30:55,800 --> 00:31:00,160
feminine, the language that
we've put around it is not an

515
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:02,320
accurate description of what it
actually is.

516
00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:10,040
And I, I think of somebody like
Gene Kelly, that is, he was a

517
00:31:10,040 --> 00:31:12,840
man, but he danced.
How dare.

518
00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:18,680
But I'll tell you, you watch how
women respond to a man who can

519
00:31:18,680 --> 00:31:24,240
dance.
It's magnetic and, and it's not

520
00:31:24,240 --> 00:31:29,320
masculine or feminine.
It is embracing all parts of who

521
00:31:29,320 --> 00:31:34,960
we are as humans and I don't and
I think, you know, like I.

522
00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:36,680
I was lucky.
I went to a Fine Arts high

523
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:38,880
school so nobody thought it was
weird that I tap danced.

524
00:31:40,120 --> 00:31:44,000
And now it serves me well.
My wife and I took burlesque

525
00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:48,200
lessons together.
She did her sexy, sexy dance.

526
00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:52,000
I did my sexy, sexy dance.
I got to get my magic mic on.

527
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:58,600
There is a reason why Channing
Tatum is making bank out of

528
00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:04,480
Vegas with his Magic Mike show
and that the, you know, humidity

529
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:10,280
level of those shows.
Oh, man, I just like those guys

530
00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:15,640
come out and they're straw
masculine men doing a very

531
00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:17,560
feminine thing.
When you think about it, they're

532
00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:22,280
doing a striptease and it, when
we place that kind of language

533
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:26,200
on it, it there's power to words
and so there's association with

534
00:32:26,200 --> 00:32:28,160
those words.
I would rather say that I'm

535
00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:31,160
embracing my true self.
Again, that authenticity is

536
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:33,960
synonymous with self-awareness.
I am aware of who I am.

537
00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:40,560
I am very comfortable in my skin
and I wish more men knew that

538
00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:45,680
all they need to do is really
figure out who they are

539
00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:50,600
internally to be able to show up
powerfully externally without

540
00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:56,520
having to label it masculine,
feminine, alpha, beta, fat,

541
00:32:56,520 --> 00:33:00,000
thin, whatever.
Titles of who we are, just

542
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:02,320
descriptors to help people
identify who they're talking

543
00:33:02,320 --> 00:33:05,600
about in the room.
It doesn't actually define us as

544
00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:09,320
the human beings we are.
And I think more people need to

545
00:33:09,320 --> 00:33:13,560
understand that in order to
really find out who they are at

546
00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:17,280
their core and and become that
person that they could that they

547
00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:21,960
really have been designed to be.
Well, Tyler, I'm really grateful

548
00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:24,240
for the village that molded and
shaped you.

549
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:27,720
You don't like it, But yeah, I
find you to be authentic as fuck

550
00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:31,800
so too bad.
Well, and again and likewise.

551
00:33:32,200 --> 00:33:35,200
But here's the thing, I don't, I
don't mind the word when it's

552
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:39,960
said in proper context, Andy.
And so I, I understand how you

553
00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:42,640
are saying it.
And so I will accept that if you

554
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:47,960
will in turn accept my gratitude
for being on the show and for

555
00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:51,160
sharing your platform in your
audience with me, because I

556
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:53,280
understand how sacred a gift
they are.

557
00:33:53,600 --> 00:34:00,240
And for you to trust me with
that honor, I think is a

558
00:34:00,240 --> 00:34:06,040
privilege that is undeniable.
And so I I appreciate you doing

559
00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:07,480
that for me.
So I would encourage your

560
00:34:07,480 --> 00:34:11,000
listeners before they hop off of
your platform to come to my

561
00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:13,760
platform because we plugged it
that they remember that they

562
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:18,719
only know me because of you and,
and to really honor that gift by

563
00:34:18,719 --> 00:34:20,760
giving you a 5 star review on
the show.

564
00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:23,639
Because if they, if they're
coming on and listening to real

565
00:34:23,639 --> 00:34:26,600
men feel and getting real value
out of that, as I am, like I

566
00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:29,400
said, I, I started as a fan
before I became a guest.

567
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:32,080
I love, I love the content that
you're bringing.

568
00:34:32,199 --> 00:34:36,320
So I would encourage all of your
listeners right go down to the

569
00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:38,360
show notes, find me at
seantylerfoley.com.

570
00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:41,880
But before you do, Andy's
information is right above that.

571
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:44,320
There's a little comment
section, a little five stars.

572
00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:46,320
If you click all five of them,
they'll light up.

573
00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:48,880
It's really rewarding.
You get to see five stars glow

574
00:34:49,159 --> 00:34:51,920
and and say why?
Who is one of your favorite

575
00:34:51,920 --> 00:34:53,679
guests?
You know, who is Andy had on

576
00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:55,199
that really had an impact with
you?

577
00:34:55,199 --> 00:34:56,679
What was some of the messaging
that took away?

578
00:34:56,679 --> 00:35:00,920
Because that'll help him guide
the show to serve you as the

579
00:35:00,920 --> 00:35:02,560
listener better.
It'll help.

580
00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:05,880
So you get served by getting the
kind of guests and content that

581
00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:07,760
you want.
And he gets served because he

582
00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:10,520
knows what kind of content you
need to listen to.

583
00:35:10,560 --> 00:35:12,840
I get served because the more
people who are listening to the

584
00:35:12,840 --> 00:35:16,280
show, the more likely they are
to stumble across mine.

585
00:35:16,280 --> 00:35:18,640
So it's serving everybody in
this ecosystem.

586
00:35:19,120 --> 00:35:23,840
But very much appreciated.
Thanks again to Tyler Foley.

587
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:26,760
If something in this episode
stirred you up, especially

588
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:30,000
around control, jealousy,
vulnerability of what it really

589
00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:32,720
means to be secure as a man,
you're not alone.

590
00:35:33,600 --> 00:35:36,560
These are conversations most men
never get to have out loud.

591
00:35:37,080 --> 00:35:39,720
If you're looking for a place
where men actually talk about

592
00:35:39,720 --> 00:35:42,480
this stuff honestly, I want to
invite you to join my free

593
00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:44,160
community.
Authentic AF.

594
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:47,960
It's a space for men to drop the
ACT, have real conversations and

595
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:51,480
support each other and becoming
more grounded, connected and

596
00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:53,400
alive.
You can join us at

597
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:58,360
realmenfield.org/group and until
next time, be good to yourself.