Restoring Confidence: Tackling ED and Performance Anxiety

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But most of our sex education
unfortunately is through porn.

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And all we see on there is guys
usually with pretty big Dicks

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that never go soft.
They're always ready even after

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they've climaxed, still hard
ready to go.

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We never see a guy going soft in
a porn movie.

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And then general movies on TV,
romance movies, etcetera, all

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feed into this vision, internal
vision of this is what sex

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should look like.
This is the kind of intimacy

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that I should be able to deliver
as a man.

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Hello and welcome to Real Men
Feel.

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I'm your host, Andy Grant.
Today we're talking about

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something that almost every man
experiences at some point, but

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no one wants to talk about out
loud.

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Erectile dysfunction, sexual
performance anxiety, and the

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fear that something is wrong
with us.

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My guest today is Shay Duran, a
coach who helps men overcome

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sexual performance anxiety,
rebuild confidence, and restore

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intimacy without shame or
awkwardness.

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Shay lived this experience
himself.

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He believed he was broken, tried
all the quick fixes, stayed

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stuck on the surface until he
realized the root issue wasn't

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medical, it was mindset.
Today, Shay is going to help us

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understand why so many suffer in
silence, why Ed is rarely just

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about the body, and how to start
feeling normal again in the

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bedroom and in your life.
If you've ever struggled or

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loved someone who has, this
conversation might change the

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way you see yourself.
And if you want to continue

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conversations like this, join
our private community, Authentic

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AF at realmenfeel.org/group.
Let's do it.

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Hello Shay, and welcome to Real
Men Feel.

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Thanks, Andy.
Thank you for having me here.

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I know that it was your own
challenges and journey that got

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you into this line of work.
Can you share a little bit about

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like what life used to be like
for you?

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Look so specific to performance
anxiety and erection challenges,

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life used to be very challenging
in this area of sex and

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intimacy.
So for many years through really

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bad relationship with porn and
with sex, having sex a lot of

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the time for validation things
really as a result of that and

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the pressure and the stress that
came from that and also external

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things outside, outside of that
area of intimacy, it led to

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erection challenges and
experiencing performance

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anxiety.
This what if, what if things

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don't go to plan?
What if I can't satisfy my

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partner?
What if I end up alone because

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of this?
All of these thoughts were in my

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head for a very long time.
Many things did not go to plan

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in the bedroom for a long while.
And that again, that's going on

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the journey of getting that
sorted is then eventually what

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led me to the work that I'm
doing today.

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So what did you believe about
yourself back then that turned

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out to not be true?
We're going to have some deep

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questions today.
I can already feel this.

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OK, What did I believe about
myself?

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I believed that something was
wrong with me.

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I believed that I wasn't normal.
And I believed that, yeah,

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everybody else was fine and that
the issue was just with me.

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So something was really wrong
with me.

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Was that the hardest part,
admitting to yourself that

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something was wrong?
Or was it something else?

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I think the hardest part was, it
was probably in stages to be

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actually, the hardest part was
speaking to somebody about it.

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That was the hardest part
because for years I said

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nothing.
I wanted to be able to get it

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all fixed for myself.
I thought I'd be able to just

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fix it all by myself.
You know, as men, we don't often

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want to talk about these things.
We don't really want help.

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We just want to be able to get
it done.

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And this feels very vulnerable.
This area feels very vulnerable.

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So I remember I'd be on programs
or even Zoom group Zoom

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meetings, but still I was never
vocal about what was going on.

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I would just be sitting there in
the background.

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And I think the hardest, the
probably the hardest first step

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was speaking to somebody about
it, vocalizing it for the first

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time that this is actually a
challenge that's going on in my

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life and I don't know what to
do.

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Do most men decide like you'd be
like, oh, I'm broken after just

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one or two experiences?
Or is it take a lot more than

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that?
Like what?

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What's the typical decision of a
guy that something's wrong?

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So there's one thing which is
about how we get to that point

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in the 1st place, which I
believe is a combination of

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things.
It's never, it's never usually

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from experience, just one thing
that happens.

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That means that things don't go
to plan in the bedroom.

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It may seem like that, you know,
some guys that I speak with can

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pinpoint, oh, it happened on
this exact date this year, but

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the reality is, is that there's
we're looking at ourselves

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through a performance lens in
other areas of our life,

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business, broader sense of
relationship, not just sex.

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So there's that And then also
usually the the seeds of

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performance anxiety are planted
at a much younger age, right.

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So whether it's in sports,
whether it's in academics,

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theatre, comparison to siblings,
there's these messages that are

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given to us of, well, we need to
do better in that area or yes,

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OK, you might have messed that
up, but make sure you don't mess

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that up next time.
It needs to be a better grade

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next time.
And so we start to believe, oh,

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I'm not loved for being myself.
I need to be this performative

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version of myself in order to
receive love.

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This is where I believe it
starts at its earliest stage

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answering your question, where
does the thoughts of what if I'm

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broken?
Where do they start?

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I believe it starts at a very
young age, usually in areas that

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are nothing to do with sex.
And then as we grow and start

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becoming sexually active, we can
have some experiences that don't

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go to plan, right?
Whether that's from right from

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the beginning of when we lost
our virginity or whether it's

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later on in our life.
And this is seem to start

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becoming a challenge more
recently.

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But there's experiences that
don't go to plan.

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And then when that's compounded
over a period of time, whether

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that's months or years, often
it's years.

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This is when these beliefs that
we have around or what if

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something's wrong with me start
to become, well, sorry, the

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questions that we have around
what if something's wrong with

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me start to become beliefs
something is wrong with me.

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So I would say it's usually a
sequence of events over a period

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of time.
Does that performative aspect of

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of being a man, does that
service in some aspects of life

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or does IT service to a certain
point or what do you think about

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that?
Very good question.

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I think it does service in
ambition.

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It serves in many of the guys
that I speak with are either in

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senior positions or they have
their own businesses or they're

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very driven.
They have certain goals, things

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that they want to achieve.
So the performative mindset

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definitely plays into that.
But I think there is a a tipping

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point where it then becomes
about self.

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Like we're constantly observing
ourself, expecting ourself to be

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this, a natural, often version
of ourself.

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I know you make a difference a
distinction between a mindset

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problem and a medical problem.
Could you share what what that

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distinction is?
Yeah, sure.

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So it's really important that if
we're experiencing performance

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anxiety, whether that's erection
challenges or climax challenges,

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that we take that medical box
first of all to make sure

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there's nothing going on there,
right.

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So whether that is
cardiovascular issues or

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testosterone issues, multiple
things could be happening, but

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it's important that we just go
and visit primary caregiver, get

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testosterone levels checked,
bloods checked to make sure

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everything's OK.
We want definitely make sure

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we're ticking that box first,
the medical box.

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Most of the times it's not
medical, it's mindset, which is

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performance anxiety.
So if we're asking ourselves

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these questions, if we know that
everything's fine medically and

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yet we feel like we're stuck in
our head overthinking, asking

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ourself what if it doesn't go to
plan?

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Again, we're already thinking
about it before the moment

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happens.
Or we're taking pills and it

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becomes more about a strategy
like a pill taking strategy or

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maths.
If I take this at this time or

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this at this particular time in
this sequence, then everything

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should go to plan.
If we're doing these kind of

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things or testing our erections
in the morning, I remember for

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many probably years, I did this
wake up and I would check my, if

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I have a morning erection,
everything's OK.

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Or at the point where I was
still watching porn, I would be

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saying OK.
If I can get hard and get off to

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this, then it shows me that
things are getting better.

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When we're in this zone of doing
these self tests and asking

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these types of questions, this
is where it's more in the

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mindset space as opposed to
medical.

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So when you help guys who have
labeled themselves as broken,

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perhaps unfixable, that they're
the only ones with this problem,

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what's the first mindset or
belief that that you take on

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with them?
HDI would say safety in terms

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of, you know, what I was saying
a moment ago about it felt

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really difficult to talk about
this.

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And so I think the most
important thing for me first of

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all is to, to let the guy know
that they have a safe

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environment where where we can
talk about this and it's OK to

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talk about it without judgement,
without shame.

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I'll be very transparent and
open about my own experiences

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with this as as well.
So that it, it doesn't feel

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like, I think by doing that, it
helps to dissolve this feeling

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of it's just me going through
this.

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So I'd say aside from the tools,
etcetera, that would be the very

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first thing is like getting to
this point of just relatability

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and safety.
So it feels OK to open up about

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this.
And I've, I've seen you talk and

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warn about the, the, the cycle
of quick fixes.

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And I don't think a day goes by,
I don't see e-mail or ads for,

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you know, some version of boner
pills and magic solution.

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So what is harmful about that
cycle?

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It's crazy.
Isn't it Some of the emails is

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literally everyday the emails
coming through?

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It's harmful because our brain
believes it.

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We won a quick fix.
Of course, we don't want to have

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to speak to anybody about it.
Of course we want to be able to

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just stay behind the screen and
to just put our details.

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Oh, click this e-mail, put our
details in, and then we get

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something posted to us and
everything sorted.

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Or we watch a video on a
particular breathing exercise or

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one something I've seen recently
is blue salt tricks.

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If you're watching this and
you're thinking on, let me see

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what this blue salt thing is.
It's another one of these one

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minute miracle fixes that don't
actually work.

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There's always going to be
something new out there.

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Do this and it will fix
everything.

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A lot of it is marketing most of
the time, but it plays into what

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our brain wants, you know,
safety, not having to feel

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vulnerable about this.
And the sad part is we just get

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stuck in this trap of thinking
that there's always the next

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thing I've I can just, I feel
like I'm just close to getting

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this sorted.
If I can just find the thing

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that feels like it clicks for
me, the next thing comes out,

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let me try that.
The next thing comes out, let me

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try that.
And we spend months, if not

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years doing this.
And the reality is the time that

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we spend all the energy that we
put into these quick fixes that

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don't actually work is time that
we could have spent genuinely

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getting this sorted for the long
term.

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So this is the, this is the
trap.

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And there's just so much of it
out there.

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And it's, I don't, it's not
going away anytime soon,

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especially with AI, right?
It's going to be becoming even

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more believable.
Yeah, I imagine there would be,

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you know, AI beautiful woman
doctors assuring you that

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whatever, you know, magical
solution they're selling is the

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best thing for you.
And you can have you fake AI

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testimony like every Yeah.
Yeah, actually one of the blue

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soul when I was ice.
Ice I had seen some guys were

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typing in on Google and I
thought, OK, I'm going to look

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at what this thing is and it
yeah, it was a total scam,

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00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:36,680
marketing scam.
But they had this very

228
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:40,880
attractive AI woman, but you it
was very difficult to know that

229
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:44,880
it was AI talking selling this,
this blue salt.

230
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:46,640
And you just put the here's the
order form.

231
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,840
And if you click here, put the
payment details in, we'll send

232
00:12:48,840 --> 00:12:51,240
it to you.
Yeah, I think these things are

233
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,000
not going away.
They're just getting more, more

234
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:55,560
and more believable.
But at the same time, we have to

235
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:59,560
be honest with ourselves.
And there comes a point where we

236
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:03,960
have to say to ourselves is
this, has this actually, has any

237
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,960
of this actually been working?
Right.

238
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:10,120
So if you're a man, you're
having challenges, performance

239
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:13,680
issues, and maybe you've you've
you've bought some junk that

240
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:17,600
didn't work, didn't do anything.
Is this really something that a

241
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:22,360
typical guy typical guy can can
solve on his own it?

242
00:13:22,360 --> 00:13:24,720
Depends if you want to take the
hard route.

243
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,840
I think if you want to take the
hard, I solved it for myself but

244
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:33,520
it took me between 4 nearly five
years and over 1000 hours of my

245
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:37,120
life.
So many groups, so many books,

246
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:40,160
so many trying different
techniques.

247
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:45,920
So yes, I do think it is
possible, but it is God.

248
00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:51,680
It's hard and not, not in a good
way to do it for yourself.

249
00:13:51,680 --> 00:13:56,680
And I think we have to make a
call on and there's no guarantee

250
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,920
with that either.
There's no guarantee that we are

251
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:01,000
going to find the right tools.
We are going to find if we're

252
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:05,160
just purely doing it only by
ourself, it's much easier.

253
00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:07,640
And this is not a self
promotion, whether it's me or

254
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:10,400
whoever, it's much easier to
speak to someone who's actually

255
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:14,000
been through this, who has got
the track record of being able

256
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:19,040
to get it sorted and to receive
some guidance around what to do.

257
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:23,720
Is if I going back, if I could
have done that now, if I had

258
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:27,240
felt more confident to speak to
someone about it and to find

259
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:32,920
somebody who helps to fix this.
There was doctors, OK, fine.

260
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:36,160
But usually the recommendation
from doctors is it's, there's

261
00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:38,520
nothing wrong medically, It's in
your mind.

262
00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:41,160
Here's a pill, right?
Because it's on the medical.

263
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:44,920
That's the the area for them.
The speciality is the medicine.

264
00:14:45,520 --> 00:14:48,520
But on the mindset, you know,
there really wasn't that many

265
00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,400
people I saw out there doing
this.

266
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:55,080
And so I just thought I have to
figure it all out by myself.

267
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:58,800
But if I was to go back in time
now, Oh, no way.

268
00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:02,680
There's no way that I, I would
just block up the courage to

269
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:07,520
have a call, the first call with
somebody and to just say, OK,

270
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:10,440
I'm going to realize that I
haven't got the the tools, I

271
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:11,840
haven't got the knowledge right
now.

272
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,560
And this is stressing me out and
I want to get this sorted as

273
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:19,560
quickly as possible.
Stereotypically, guys are really

274
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:23,600
hesitant to ask for help about
anything but sexual issues.

275
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:27,080
I'm sure it's even stronger.
So what do you think that

276
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,520
compulsion not to admit the
problem is?

277
00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:33,000
Is it fear, Shame.
Something else?

278
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:40,160
I think a big part of it is our
biology that if we're seen as

279
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:45,280
different to others, then if we
go back to our ancestor times,

280
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:48,600
if we're different, we can get
kicked out of the tribe and

281
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:51,400
we're left outside to fend for
ourselves and probably die, you

282
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:53,760
know.
So I think there is a biological

283
00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:59,320
aspect to this of any topic that
brings up a heightened sense of

284
00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:04,000
vulnerability, shame, fear.
We're always going to feel

285
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,680
hesitant about that because it's
our DNA.

286
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:11,920
So I think that's part of it.
Another part of it is for the

287
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:15,720
masculine.
We want to be able to feel like

288
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:18,560
we can fix things and achieve
things and lock onto and get

289
00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,800
something.
We can lock our focus onto

290
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:22,560
something and complete the
mission.

291
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,000
That's also part of the
masculine energy.

292
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,720
So I think that plays into it as
well.

293
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,480
And then the other parts that
contribute is just societal

294
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:34,640
expectations around sex.
In most of our sex education

295
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:39,840
unfortunately is through porn.
And all we see on there is guys

296
00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:44,040
usually that are pretty with
pretty big Dicks that never go

297
00:16:44,520 --> 00:16:46,880
soft.
They're always ready even after

298
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:48,720
they've climaxed, still hard
ready to go.

299
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:54,360
We, we never see a guy going
soft in a porn movie.

300
00:16:55,320 --> 00:17:01,040
And then general movies on TV,
romance movies, etcetera, all

301
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:07,319
feed into this vision, internal
vision of this is what sex

302
00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:09,680
should look like.
This is the kind of intimacy

303
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:13,400
that I should be able to deliver
as a man.

304
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:17,200
And if I'm not doing that, then
it means that something's wrong

305
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,520
with me.
And we feel like we don't want

306
00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:24,640
to talk to anybody about that
because it exposes a weakness, a

307
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:27,000
perceived weakness.
And the reality is obviously

308
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,880
movies, people are cast for
those roles, porn people are

309
00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:32,360
cast for those roles.
And it's not reality.

310
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,400
But that's one thing.
What our brain thinks, or what

311
00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,120
we train our brain to think is
another thing.

312
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,800
So let's, let's talk about the,
the relational impact of this.

313
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,960
Yeah.
What the what do partners, and I

314
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:49,000
mean, you know, female partners,
what might they misinterpret

315
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,960
about a man who is struggling to
say, get an erection with them?

316
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:56,040
Yeah.
So I think, and I think this

317
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:59,540
shows up whether it's a
heterosexual relationship, same

318
00:17:59,540 --> 00:18:03,520
sex relationships, this seems to
me a common pattern across any

319
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:06,520
kind of long term relationship
is that the partner can think

320
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,920
it's because of them.
Is this some and some of it's

321
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,360
very, what I find very
interesting is the questions

322
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:14,800
that the partner will be asking
themselves are very, very

323
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,720
similar to the questions that
the guy is asking themselves.

324
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,040
But nobody speaks to that speaks
about it to each other.

325
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,600
So the partner will be asking
often things like is it because

326
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,600
of me?
Is there something wrong with

327
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,200
me?
Am I not doing it right for

328
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:31,200
them?
Am I not able to satisfy them in

329
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,880
the way that they want?
Maybe they're not attracted to

330
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,440
me anymore.
Maybe things aren't going well

331
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:39,880
in the relationship anymore.
These are these are some of the

332
00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,000
thoughts, right?
The partner will is natural for

333
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:46,560
them to take it as a self.
They'll start judging themselves

334
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:51,400
about it.
And honestly, a lot of the time

335
00:18:51,400 --> 00:18:53,520
that's happening because there's
no conversation.

336
00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:59,440
There's no conversation to to
offer reassurance or, or it's

337
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:02,440
kind of been the same thing over
a period of time without any

338
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:06,200
differences or changes because
the guy has been just trying the

339
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:09,040
quick fixes or sticking with
the, the stuff that's not really

340
00:19:09,040 --> 00:19:11,640
working all the time.
And so it doesn't feel like

341
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,280
things are shifting.
So we can see why the partner

342
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,680
over time, if things are not
really changing, why the partner

343
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:21,840
may be thinking, I don't really
think it's about the pills, it

344
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,280
must be about me.
It just kind of compounds that.

345
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:30,400
So are there any ideal questions
a partner could ask to get that

346
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,680
conversation going?
Yeah, a couple of things I would

347
00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:36,120
say is not to talk about it in
the moment of sex.

348
00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:40,360
All right, This is this is
general advice, but the I really

349
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:44,000
like this line that I had from
Esther Perel once, which is

350
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:47,880
nobody has better sex by talking
about the kind of sex that

351
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:50,800
they're not having or no one has
better sex by talking about the

352
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:52,000
kind of sex that they're not
having.

353
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:56,000
So what that would look like if
we were doing that was things

354
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,360
haven't really gone to plan in
the bedroom and we're laying on

355
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:01,760
the bed and then we start
talking about, oh, what was

356
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,240
wrong?
Why didn't it?

357
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:06,400
You know, I feel like we're not
as connected as we used to be.

358
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:10,560
We used to be more spontaneous
or we're not having sex as often

359
00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:13,160
as we used to.
This is what we want to avoid,

360
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:14,920
laying in the place where we've
just.

361
00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:18,000
Had an experience that didn't go
to plan and then talking about

362
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:20,200
the kind of sex that we're not
having, right?

363
00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:23,320
So that's what we want to avoid.
But what we do want to do, if

364
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:27,200
we're the partner, what we do
want to do is offer a sense of

365
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:31,680
non judge mental reassurance,
OK?

366
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:35,520
It's clearly both people are
aware that something's going on,

367
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,320
whether it's the erection or
climax issues.

368
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,120
It's like the elephant in the
room.

369
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,360
Everybody knows about it, but
nobody's speaking about it.

370
00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:49,520
And so the partner offering
reassurance, like, OK, we know

371
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:52,760
this thing's going on.
It feels uncomfortable.

372
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,240
OK, it feels uncomfortable to me
and I'm sure it feels

373
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:58,720
uncomfortable to you as well.
But I just want you to know that

374
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:05,640
I'm I'm here for you as as you
work through this or as we work

375
00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:08,080
through this, right?
That's for the partner.

376
00:21:08,080 --> 00:21:10,800
Something along the lines of
that is fantastic.

377
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:14,400
And there's non judge mental
communication and been willing

378
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:21,000
to go on the journey of, you
know, things not going perfectly

379
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,560
all of a sudden as the guy is
trying to work on this and get

380
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,440
it sorted.
You know, it's not like

381
00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,280
overnight things are going to
transform.

382
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:30,040
This is a process, you know, it
doesn't need to be a long, long

383
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:35,120
time, but over a period of 2-3
months, etcetera.

384
00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:37,600
It is possible to get it sorted
within that time, but we have to

385
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:41,840
be willing to go on that journey
with our partner rather than

386
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:46,800
being stuck in the mindset of
sex equals the penetrative act

387
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,160
and ejaculation.
And then that's what we get

388
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,960
fixed and locked onto every
time.

389
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:54,120
And if that doesn't happen, then
things haven't gone the way it

390
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:56,560
should have done.
And then we're back in the

391
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,560
partner thinking, oh, why didn't
we do that since something went

392
00:21:59,560 --> 00:22:01,720
wrong, What's wrong with me?
It's not working.

393
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,920
Yeah.
So I think this non judge mental

394
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:09,320
support is the best approach
that a partner can take.

395
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:14,200
And do you always only work with
the man having problems or do

396
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,840
you sometimes work with with the
couple themselves?

397
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,200
Or how's that work?
At this point in time, it's just

398
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:22,440
with the guys because many of
the guys that I speak with,

399
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,680
well, let's say 50% of them, 50%
of them won't.

400
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,480
I don't want to tell their
partner that they're doing that,

401
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:32,360
they're working on this.
And the other 50% are totally

402
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:35,280
transparent with their partner.
So at this point in time, it's

403
00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,600
just with the guys because the
work can be done.

404
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:43,440
The worth is solo work.
So the relational part of it, I

405
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:45,240
can guide a guy on that anyway,
that's OK.

406
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:48,920
But the the actual shifts that
need to happen is for the

407
00:22:48,920 --> 00:22:51,840
individual.
It's not when we were talking

408
00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:54,400
about erection challenges, the
performance anxiety, it's not

409
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:58,480
the couple.
There may be things later on

410
00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:01,320
down the line that the couple
need to work on together, like

411
00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:05,040
communicating about sex, how to
actually ask for what we want or

412
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,600
explore new things in the
bedroom.

413
00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:11,400
But the very first the beginning
stages of getting performance

414
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:15,240
anxiety sorted, it's one-on-one,
one-on-one.

415
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:21,120
Work with the guy.
And are there unique pressures,

416
00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:25,240
expectations for gay or bi men
that most straight guys just

417
00:23:25,240 --> 00:23:29,200
don't even consider or realise?
Amen.

418
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,640
Actually experience erection
challenges statistically like 3

419
00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:35,800
times more compared to
heterosexual men, which I found

420
00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:37,480
very interesting when I found
that out.

421
00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:42,240
I think this is to do with
things are a lot more sex based

422
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,440
as part of the community.
You know, it's a lot more sex

423
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:48,240
focused or especially for gay
men.

424
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:53,320
And so there's a lot more.
I would say the thing that's

425
00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:58,480
heightened, there is pressure to
perform to do well because if

426
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,000
not the person's just going to
go to somebody else.

427
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,920
So I would say because the the
culture is a lot more sex based,

428
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:07,600
not in all cases, but in a lot
of cases definitely compared to

429
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:11,880
heterosexual, the heterosexual
world, it just heightens this

430
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:14,240
the needs to be a good
performer.

431
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:19,240
And a lot of guys really tie
their sense of masculinity to

432
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,840
sexual performance.
Yeah, how would you?

433
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:25,640
Begin to untangle identity from
that one function.

434
00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:27,960
Yes.
And one, one other thing that

435
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:30,840
just came to mind on that last
question was also the shame

436
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:34,760
around sexuality, right.
So I think that's something that

437
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:37,760
gay by men experience that
heterosexual men, it's not the

438
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:40,560
same kind of experience.
There can be different versions

439
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:42,400
of it.
So we think about gay or

440
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:46,560
bisexual men, there's a lot of
cultural societal shame still

441
00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:51,160
around their sexuality.
So this obviously feeds into

442
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:55,800
performance anxiety, shame,
pressure, etcetera, creates a,

443
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,760
it can create a negative
association with, with sex and

444
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:02,320
intimacy, right?
When we're layering those things

445
00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:06,760
on top with heterosexual guys.
What I find comes up the most

446
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:10,200
often when it comes to shame
around sexuality is if we've

447
00:25:10,200 --> 00:25:11,880
been caught at a younger age,
right?

448
00:25:11,880 --> 00:25:14,240
Caught masturbating or caught
exploring with friends.

449
00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,280
Things like this that are very
natural at a young age, but it's

450
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:19,560
shamed by the authority figure
in that moment.

451
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,320
What are you doing that's wrong,
that's bad, You can't be doing

452
00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:24,720
that.
Or they're caught exploring with

453
00:25:24,720 --> 00:25:27,680
friends and then severely
punished for that.

454
00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:31,200
And it is layering in whether
it's this or abuse, it's

455
00:25:31,200 --> 00:25:36,080
layering in this sense of shame
around sexuality at a young age.

456
00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:40,720
And then we start to put those
two things together to answer

457
00:25:40,720 --> 00:25:42,480
that second question around
identity.

458
00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:47,400
So the question was how do we
decouple the right that

459
00:25:47,400 --> 00:25:49,400
masculine?
Identity being tied to sexual

460
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:53,360
performance.
I think a good place to start is

461
00:25:53,360 --> 00:25:58,760
by quite important, honestly,
just, but I'm just sharing my

462
00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:03,000
own thoughts of as I've gone on
this journey myself, the things

463
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:06,040
that I would say have been the
most helpful is, yeah, reducing,

464
00:26:06,040 --> 00:26:08,360
at the very least, reducing the
amount of porn that I'm

465
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:11,040
watching.
So I'm not drilling this, this

466
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:15,520
identity tag into my mind.
The other thing was also

467
00:26:15,520 --> 00:26:19,760
exploring where are the areas of
my life where I do this, this If

468
00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:23,040
I don't do well in this area,
then it means I'm a failure.

469
00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:24,840
So I was doing this a lot in
business.

470
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:28,880
Am I professional life And I
didn't realise that I was doing

471
00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,840
that in my professional life and
it was a very same pattern that

472
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:34,360
I was doing my sexual life
right.

473
00:26:34,360 --> 00:26:39,280
If I'm not good enough to
satisfy the other person then I

474
00:26:39,280 --> 00:26:41,640
failed.
I was thinking the same thing,

475
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:43,560
my business life.
If I'm not good enough to

476
00:26:43,560 --> 00:26:46,880
achieve this promotion or do
this business, then I failed.

477
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:53,040
So I think my advice here would
be for us to be able to detach

478
00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:55,880
this masculine identity with
sex.

479
00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:59,920
We have to go one step broader
than that and look at where am I

480
00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:04,800
applying this performative based
mindset in other areas of my

481
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:07,880
life.
And how do I realise that

482
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:12,720
actually, it doesn't matter how
I, how I show up in business,

483
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:17,400
how I show up in the bedroom is
not a determination of who I am,

484
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,800
a soul level, who I am as a
human being.

485
00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:23,600
What I bring to the table, the
qualities that I bring to the

486
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:26,880
table, the integrity that I have
for the, the things that I

487
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,920
value.
You know, our, our bedroom

488
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:34,000
performance or our business
performance is not a, is not

489
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:36,240
attached to those things.
But I had to realize that

490
00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:38,760
myself, because I did.
I totally did not see that

491
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:39,920
before.
Right.

492
00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:41,960
Yeah.
So any set of temporary

493
00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:45,000
circumstances are not a
reflection of who we truly are.

494
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:49,560
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
I think we have to understand

495
00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:53,320
ourselves a bit deeper and we
have to see where we're doing

496
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:56,640
these patterns that are harming
us or holding us back.

497
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,560
Because when we're, when we're
just looking through the lens of

498
00:27:59,560 --> 00:28:02,440
this, if I don't achieve X, then
I failed.

499
00:28:03,120 --> 00:28:05,600
To be honest, it probably starts
at a very younger age in life

500
00:28:05,600 --> 00:28:07,680
where if we didn't get the
grade, then it felt like we

501
00:28:07,680 --> 00:28:11,320
failed because love was taken
away from us, right?

502
00:28:11,320 --> 00:28:14,120
So I think this is probably we
learn it from, we learn that

503
00:28:14,120 --> 00:28:17,320
pattern from a younger age and
then we do it to ourselves when

504
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:19,960
we're older.
Yeah, I would say that's the

505
00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:21,920
what do you think?
That's what comes to my mind.

506
00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:23,200
What do you think about this
like?

507
00:28:24,640 --> 00:28:28,840
That all makes sense to me and
is is there a most common kind

508
00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:31,280
of aha moment that your clients
have?

509
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,440
Yeah, I like, I like this.
I love your questions.

510
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:38,680
By the way, this is a very like
unique question.

511
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,360
So thank you for putting the
thought into this.

512
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:47,280
OK, the the two moments, I would
say there's two, the ones that

513
00:28:47,280 --> 00:28:51,120
come to mind #1 would be, you
know, we spoke about some things

514
00:28:51,120 --> 00:28:55,440
from childhood.
At the beginning when I'm

515
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,600
speaking with a guy, there's a
resistance to want to go there,

516
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:00,120
right?
We think, oh, no, it's nothing

517
00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:02,160
to do with what's going on in my
life now.

518
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:04,720
I also thought this for a long
time, didn't experience any

519
00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:07,640
abuse or real trauma when I was
younger.

520
00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:10,440
So we kind of discount that.
And we think there's nothing to

521
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:12,920
explore there.
Part of us doing that is

522
00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:17,440
protecting ourselves and then
when we start to realise, oh,

523
00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:21,960
there's a few experiences there
where the thought pattern seems

524
00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:24,320
very similar to the thought
pattern that's showing up today

525
00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:26,560
in the bedroom.
Totally different context and

526
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:28,960
nothing to do with sex, but it's
still performance based.

527
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:35,040
That's a HA moment definitely,
of being able to broaden the

528
00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:37,440
perspective of seeing this is
not just something that's

529
00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:39,840
randomly showing up out of the
blue.

530
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:42,120
It's been going on for a while
in other parts of our life.

531
00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:46,760
So that would be 1 and then
another one would be realising

532
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:49,000
that most of the times we're
actually putting ourselves in

533
00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:53,320
sexual situations that don't do
it for us, that are not that,

534
00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:56,760
that don't feel like we're
actually getting turned on by

535
00:29:56,760 --> 00:30:00,360
it, but we're pushing and
forcing ourselves because we

536
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:02,520
think it's what we should be
doing.

537
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:06,320
If I'm a real man, then I should
be having sex X amount of times

538
00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:08,880
a month.
But the reality is that the way

539
00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:13,000
in which we're having intimacy
is either dull, boring, or

540
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:15,840
there's no feedback.
There's no it just feels like

541
00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:20,160
it's a duty.
And a big realization is, oh

542
00:30:20,160 --> 00:30:23,040
shit, the type of intimacy that
I'm having is not actually the

543
00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:27,000
kind of intimacy that I enjoy.
So I know that you have lived

544
00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:32,160
and worked all around the world.
What strikes you in different

545
00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:34,640
cultures?
How different versions of

546
00:30:34,640 --> 00:30:37,160
masculinity impact performance
anxiety?

547
00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:40,080
And like have you worked with
people that are in like arranged

548
00:30:40,080 --> 00:30:43,520
marriages or just other other
cultural differences from from

549
00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:46,480
kind of what the norm?
Yeah, I've went to guys in

550
00:30:47,600 --> 00:30:52,520
Europe, US, Middle East,
Australia, Asia.

551
00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:57,120
So yeah, I feel like I've had a
very broad experience of guys

552
00:30:57,120 --> 00:30:59,520
from around the world, to be
honest.

553
00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:03,920
A lot of it is very similar in
terms of the thought patterns

554
00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:07,680
that we're going through and the
reason of why this is showing up

555
00:31:07,680 --> 00:31:10,880
in the first place.
But yes, there are cultural

556
00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:14,920
differences that I've noticed
most down to, I would say,

557
00:31:14,920 --> 00:31:18,880
academics and religion, with
some cultures pushing more the

558
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:22,640
need to perform very, very well
at school or else you're a

559
00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:24,160
failure compared to all the
other kids.

560
00:31:24,960 --> 00:31:28,600
And with other cultures with
religion being, you know,

561
00:31:28,600 --> 00:31:31,680
masturbation is a sin, Sex
before marriage is a sin.

562
00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:37,200
Yeah, whether it's that or that
we need to live life by God or

563
00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:40,840
who, Allah, whoever, whoever the
religious figure is, I would say

564
00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:46,000
these are the two biggest areas
of intensity that can differ by

565
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:52,200
culture, religious and academic.
If if every man listening now

566
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:57,040
has had any sort of sexual
performance issue, what is 1

567
00:31:57,040 --> 00:32:04,960
truth you wish they got?
Omar And it's OK it first of

568
00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:08,640
all, regardless of whether we're
experiencing performance anxiety

569
00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:11,040
or not, it's absolutely normal
to have fluctuation,

570
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:15,080
fluctuations in our erections or
in climaxing.

571
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:17,960
There's so many factors that can
play a part of that.

572
00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:19,400
Did we have a good night's
sleep?

573
00:32:19,400 --> 00:32:21,880
What did we eat?
Did we work out?

574
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:25,040
Did we not?
So I imagine our imagine in our

575
00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:27,520
well, let's just focus in on
erections for a moment.

576
00:32:27,800 --> 00:32:32,400
I imagine that on a scale of
zero to 10, right between around

577
00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:35,960
7-7 or eight out of 10, that's
where we generally want our

578
00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:38,120
erections to be.
There's going to be times where

579
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:41,680
it's going to be 8-9 or ten out
of 10 and there's going to be

580
00:32:41,680 --> 00:32:44,960
times where it's it's lower
based on those factors that

581
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:47,560
we've spoken about.
But that fluctuation there of

582
00:32:47,560 --> 00:32:51,200
between 6:00 to 10:00 or 7 to 10
is absolutely normal.

583
00:32:51,800 --> 00:32:56,520
It's just not what we believe is
should be happening.

584
00:32:56,760 --> 00:33:01,000
So to bring this to life, if
we're kissing, if we're kissing,

585
00:33:01,000 --> 00:33:03,400
making out with our partner on
the couch and then we go to the

586
00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:06,960
bedroom and we lose our erection
on the way to the bedroom, we

587
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:09,200
think, Oh my God, something's
something's wrong with me.

588
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:10,880
I need to quickly.
I need to get back in the zone

589
00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:13,920
and get hard again so that they
don't think that nothing that

590
00:33:13,920 --> 00:33:16,080
anything's wrong.
Or if our partner says I'm just

591
00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:18,880
going to be two minutes and go
to the bathroom and then we're

592
00:33:18,880 --> 00:33:21,800
laying on the bed freaking out
thinking I've got to stay hard

593
00:33:22,960 --> 00:33:25,440
because they've got to see that
I'm ready to go as soon as they

594
00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:29,160
come back out of the bathroom.
It's the the stimulation has

595
00:33:29,160 --> 00:33:32,360
stopped in that in those
moments, in those pauses.

596
00:33:32,560 --> 00:33:35,800
So it's absolutely normal for
our erection to fluctuate in

597
00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:38,800
those moments.
And though I think the thing

598
00:33:38,800 --> 00:33:41,640
that the truth that I would love
guys to know is it's normal and

599
00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:43,800
it's important that we know it's
normal for our erections to

600
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,480
fluctuate.
Every single guy experiences.

601
00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:48,920
This is not what we see on porn.
It's not what we see on the

602
00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:51,480
movies, but every single guy
experiences that.

603
00:33:52,040 --> 00:33:56,160
And if we're experiencing
prolonged erection or

604
00:33:56,160 --> 00:34:00,280
ejaculation challenges over a
period of months or years, the

605
00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:04,800
the other truth I would say is
it is OK to ask for help and to

606
00:34:04,800 --> 00:34:07,240
feel like we don't know the
answers.

607
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:08,639
You don't need to know the
answers.

608
00:34:08,800 --> 00:34:12,199
It's OK.
Yeah, it seems really crucial to

609
00:34:12,199 --> 00:34:16,239
realise that what most of us
think is normal has been so

610
00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:20,960
horribly influenced by the very
abnormal, fake world of porn.

611
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:24,800
Yes, exactly.
Yeah, exactly.

612
00:34:25,080 --> 00:34:29,159
And I see with for example, you
know, I've worked with guys from

613
00:34:29,159 --> 00:34:33,480
17 up to mid 70's.
The younger guys especially, I

614
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:37,840
seriously see porn being a much,
it is a much bigger influence on

615
00:34:37,840 --> 00:34:39,520
what's going on with their
erection challenges.

616
00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:43,560
So I unfortunately, I don't
anticipate this challenge should

617
00:34:43,560 --> 00:34:45,840
be getting any easier,
especially with the younger

618
00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:50,199
generation because they've grown
up on porn, instant access to

619
00:34:50,199 --> 00:34:53,000
porn and.
That's literally in their hands

620
00:34:53,400 --> 00:34:55,480
all the time, Yeah.
Exactly.

621
00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:59,160
So Shay, what's the best way for
people to connect with you and

622
00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:01,800
learn more?
OK, so yeah, I think if you've

623
00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:04,840
listened to this and if possibly
feel like it resonates, then

624
00:35:05,080 --> 00:35:06,440
Andy will put a couple of links
below.

625
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:09,000
You'll see the link to the
website where you can read some

626
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:11,200
stories from other men that have
gone through this as well to see

627
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:13,880
if that feels relatable.
And also a link to the

628
00:35:13,880 --> 00:35:17,880
performance anxiety quiz.
So you know, we spoke earlier on

629
00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:21,520
about this the one minute
miracle or this instant fix

630
00:35:21,520 --> 00:35:23,880
trap.
A lot of the time when we're

631
00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:26,760
just behind our screen watching
endless videos online, we're

632
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:29,600
stuck in this generic
information trap.

633
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:32,560
It's not specific to what's
going on to us on for us

634
00:35:32,560 --> 00:35:35,720
personally.
So actually to be able to get it

635
00:35:35,720 --> 00:35:40,080
sorted, we have to know how
we've got here in the 1st place.

636
00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:42,040
That's our route to getting this
fixed.

637
00:35:42,400 --> 00:35:44,960
So this free quiz that I've
created is 10 yes or no

638
00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:46,680
questions that will show you
exactly that.

639
00:35:46,680 --> 00:35:48,680
Is it performance anxiety or is
it something else?

640
00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:51,480
And how did you get to this
point so that you know what to

641
00:35:51,480 --> 00:35:54,840
do to be able to get it actually
sorted for the long term?

642
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:58,880
And Shay, are you active in any
particular social media at all?

643
00:35:59,920 --> 00:36:03,320
YouTube, yes, that, yeah, just
just YouTube.

644
00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:05,560
But that's the that's the place.
Yeah.

645
00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:09,480
So YouTube, you'll find a lot of
videos just around everything to

646
00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:13,480
do with this Sex, erections,
climax in performance anxiety.

647
00:36:14,480 --> 00:36:18,080
Beyond the realm of sex, what's
one thing that you wish more men

648
00:36:18,080 --> 00:36:22,800
knew?
Beyond the realm of sex, the

649
00:36:22,800 --> 00:36:28,640
first thing that the first thing
that came to my mind is to be

650
00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:33,000
break out-of-the-box.
I'm just sharing this as it's in

651
00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:35,520
my as it is in my thoughts,
thoughts forming now.

652
00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:39,880
So breaking out-of-the-box of I
think a lot of us can live our

653
00:36:39,880 --> 00:36:44,240
lives determined by how we think
we should be living our life.

654
00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:47,960
What other people have said to
us are the others that have

655
00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:51,920
influenced us, what we see on
the TV, etcetera, what we

656
00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:56,880
believe it is to be a, a man or
even broader than that human.

657
00:36:57,520 --> 00:37:01,040
And I would say challenge, to
challenge that, to challenge it

658
00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:04,680
in the sense of going back to
what are some of the things that

659
00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:07,040
make you feel the most alive in
life.

660
00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:09,080
I feel aliveness is so
important.

661
00:37:09,080 --> 00:37:12,200
If we're not growing and doing
new things and feeling alive,

662
00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:16,560
then we're dying inside.
I think, you know, taking some

663
00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:20,000
time to whether it's writing or
going for a walk in the forest

664
00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:22,320
or whatever, to think about and
reflect on what are some of the

665
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:24,920
things that I do that I know
that I really love.

666
00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:27,280
The answers are there.
It's not difficult to find those

667
00:37:27,320 --> 00:37:29,240
answers.
We know instinctively what those

668
00:37:29,240 --> 00:37:31,880
things are.
And then actually making more

669
00:37:31,880 --> 00:37:36,560
time to do those things to bring
back, to start building back a

670
00:37:36,560 --> 00:37:39,800
sense of aliveness.
I just think it's so I was

671
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:41,640
having this conversation with
somebody the other day.

672
00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:45,080
It's so easy now to with
technology.

673
00:37:45,080 --> 00:37:47,640
It's yes, great.
There's so many advancements is,

674
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:50,720
is wonderful, but it makes
things so convenient and

675
00:37:50,720 --> 00:37:54,800
comfortable for us.
It's so easy to just stay inside

676
00:37:54,800 --> 00:37:59,040
or stay behind a screen and lose
a sense of our connection with

677
00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:01,240
the world, our connection with
others, our connection with

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00:38:01,240 --> 00:38:05,280
ourself, how it feels to truly
feel alive.

679
00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:11,440
And I think those doing those
things, you know, reconnecting

680
00:38:11,440 --> 00:38:14,640
with that sense of inner
aliveness and actually making

681
00:38:15,520 --> 00:38:19,040
that priority, giving time to
that, We don't even have to do

682
00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:20,600
much.
I think it's just giving time to

683
00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:23,000
do it.
And it just feels, I believe you

684
00:38:23,000 --> 00:38:25,040
have, I believe you can relate
to that as well.

685
00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:27,520
And it just feels wonderful.
You know, there's no feeling

686
00:38:27,520 --> 00:38:30,160
like it.
Well, Shay, thanks so much for

687
00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:33,360
joining us today.
And thanks for doing the work on

688
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:37,120
yourself so that you could help
others do the work quicker,

689
00:38:37,240 --> 00:38:40,320
easier, better results as you
already said.

690
00:38:40,320 --> 00:38:44,120
Unfortunately, I'm I'm sure the
need for your services isn't

691
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:47,440
going away anytime soon.
Thank you, Andy.

692
00:38:47,440 --> 00:38:49,600
Thank you for your time and for
the questions as well.

693
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:52,960
Shay Duran, thank you so much
for bringing your honesty, your

694
00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:56,160
clarity, and your compassion
regarding a topic that destroys

695
00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:57,920
way too many men from the inside
out.

696
00:38:58,680 --> 00:39:00,800
If you're listening and you've
struggled with performance

697
00:39:00,800 --> 00:39:05,400
anxiety or Ed, please hear this.
You are not broken, you are not

698
00:39:05,400 --> 00:39:07,760
alone, and you don't have to
just white knuckle your way

699
00:39:07,760 --> 00:39:10,000
through this.
You can learn more about Shay's

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00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:13,720
work at shay-duran.com.
And as always, if this episode

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00:39:13,720 --> 00:39:15,960
stirs something in you, don't
stay silent.

702
00:39:16,360 --> 00:39:19,800
Join me and other men committed
to living with authenticity,

703
00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:22,640
courage, and connection in my
online community.

704
00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:27,400
Authentic AF
learnmore@realmenfeel.org/group

705
00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:30,240
And until next time, be good to
yourself.