Stop Feeling Like a Fraud: Combatting Grief and Imposter Syndrome

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Because at some point, there's
no amount of external validation

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that's going to fill the void.
And so we bury this idea of, you

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know, I just got to, I'll just
work harder.

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You know, I'll just try harder.
I'll just do more.

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And then, then I'll feel more
whole and I'll feel more

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successful.
But the reality is, is that

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we're just stuffing what's truly
going on.

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Hello and welcome to Real Men
Feel, the show that reminds men

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they don't have to go it alone.
I'm your host, Andy Grant.

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Today we're exploring 2
experiences.

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Nearly every man will face
imposter syndrome and grief with

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someone who has not only walked
through both, but now guides

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other men to healing and
authenticity.

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My guest today is Alan Demonco,
founder of The Awakened Man, a

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movement and community dedicated
to help men awaken to their

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purpose, power, and wholeness.
Through his own journey of loss

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and self discovery, Alan has
learned how to turn pain into

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strength, and today he shares
how men can move beyond feeling

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like a fraud and into living
with real courage.

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And if you're looking for a
supportive community, check out

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Authentic AF, my free online
community at

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realmenfield.org/group.
Now give us a like and subscribe

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and let's do it.
Hello Alan, and welcome to Real

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Men Feel.
Andy, how's it going today?

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Thank you so much for having me
on the show.

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So Alan, first tell me, what
were your personal experiences

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that led to you creating the
Awakened Man?

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Oh man, there's been so many.
But if I was to boil it down to

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a couple of really life altering
ones, it would be the death of

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my father-in-law and almost
losing my marriage within a very

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short period of time.
And the, the challenge that I

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faced was that I thought I was
this, this man that could, you

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know, handle it all had made
lots of changes.

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I've made mistakes young in the,
in my younger days in my life.

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But what really transpired was
that while I had maybe

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intellectual knowledge, I wasn't
living with authenticity or with

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integrity.
And so when my father-in-law

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passed and I was the one who
found him, it was so devastating

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for me because he was more than
just a father-in-law.

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He was like my dad, like my best
friend.

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And I just didn't have anywhere
to go to talk about do the and

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do any work on it.
And while there are grief

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counseling out there, there
wasn't anywhere that I felt

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comfortable as a man to sit down
and basically just bare my soul.

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And so when I recognized that
there was this gap in this place

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that we needed to createspace
for guys to get together to work

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on things, whatever that may be.
And while I was also just coming

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through a really challenging
time in my in my marriage, I

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also found that people that I
thought were close friends were

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no longer close friends.
And so they had to make

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decisions in their life.
And so again, I felt this

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isolation of not being able to
reach out or be anywhere.

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And so I wanted to create this
opportunity for men to work

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through things, whatever season
they are in their life, but not

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just to sit there and complain
and dwell in, in our sorrow, but

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to be able to work through that
and be in the company of other

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men.
So we can understand and support

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and move each other along so
that we're not being stuck and

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that we actually do walk the
talk and and practice what like

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what it's like to live with
authenticity.

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So up until this point of
creating the space and

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experiencing grief, was this
really the first loss you had in

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your life?
Yeah, I would say, and it's

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definitely not, you know, in my
early 20s, I, I was a chef.

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I competed in the Culinary
Olympics.

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My professional life was, you
know, skyrocketing.

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I was doing so well.
And I had married my high school

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sweetheart and life on the
outside looked like it was going

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great.
We had just bought home and our

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second son was born and life
just fell apart with stresses,

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with with mortgage and debt.
I ended up by, you know, losing

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my job and ultimately the
marriage fell apart.

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And it's really the catalyst
that started me on this journey

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of, you know, trying to become a
better man and answering, trying

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at least to answer the question,
what is it?

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How can somebody be so
successful in one aspect of

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their life and yet fail so
miserably in others?

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And what that says to me in my
journey, as I found, is that

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when we put so much energy in
one aspect of our life and we

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identify ourselves and men tend
to do this around business and

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career.
And because it's things that we

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can measure, it's difficult for
us to measure if we're

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successful as a husband and as a
father.

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And so I read a ton of books,
did a bunch of training and

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certified and, and NLP and, and
past life regressions work, all

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this different kind of stuff,
emotional intelligence.

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But again, as I had said
earlier, the problem is, is that

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so I know this stuff, but am I
living it and practicing it and

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actually evolving?
And I would say for a few years

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that happened and then, you
know, life settled in.

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It was easy to go back into old
habits, old routines.

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And when we don't have somebody
there to help guide us and move

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us along, then I think that's
when we start to struggle.

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And so, yeah, I would say that
was really the catalyst that

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started things.
But it took another 2 by 4, so

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to speak, to the side of the
head for me to truly wake up and

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understand that.
OK, I'll you got to start

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putting things into practice.
Yeah, I know speaking for

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myself, often need to learn the
same lesson repeatedly or

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different levels of that same
lesson.

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But yeah, yeah, lots of two by
fours.

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I get it.
So what does awakening mean to

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you?
Yeah, awakening me to me means

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that it's when I recognize that
there's an opportunity for me to

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learn.
Am I approaching today with the

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intention that I already have
all the answers or am I

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approaching today with the
intention that I'm going to take

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some make some space in this cup
that I have this cup.

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That's my that's either
knowledge or my work or whatever

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it is that I'm I'm pursuing and
allow for an opportunity to see

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something different.
You know, I'm going through some

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stuff right now with a few
individuals.

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And one of the things we
continue to talk about is that

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in order to the ties into this
awakening question is what box

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am I seeing this individual or
these people in?

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And if I continue to see myself
or someone else in this box

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that's from yesterday or last
year or five years, then how

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awake am I to see what's
actually happening in front of

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me?
How can I properly and I

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accurately connect with the
individual?

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Because in today's environment,
we're no longer just showing up

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as robots.
We need to be fully present.

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And so to do that and we need to
slow down enough so we can

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awaken to the ideas of what's
happening around us.

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That doesn't mean I agree with
everything that's happening, but

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it means though is that I'm much
more aware, I'm much more

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present.
And that takes that takes

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intention and it takes purpose.
And if we don't build that into

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our day and then it's easy for
us to get back on the on the

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hamster wheel and not really
make any progress.

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So you mentioned seeming
successful on the outside and I

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hear from that from that from a
lot of guys too.

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Why do you think it is that a
man can have all the trappings

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of success, the the career, the
business, yet inside there's

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something lacking?
And are most men aware of that

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and they bury it?
Or are they lying to themselves?

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Like what?
What's the inner world?

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I think, I think they're burying
it first.

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And the reason I, why I say that
is because it's easy for us or

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much easier for us to measure
success externally as men were

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still built for some form of
validation.

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How do we get that?
We get that when we're playing

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sports and we win the game or we
win a title or we do stuff.

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How do we do that in business?
We went and we, we can measure

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it because, you know, we hit our
budgeted targets or we exceed

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them.
We get bonuses.

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Everything for us for a
validation comes externally in

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relationships.
It's hey, does, does the woman

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that I'm with, does she does she
want to sleep with me?

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Am I, am I attractive?
These are the, these are the

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ways that we measure ourselves.
So when those things start to

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become less important because at
some point there's no amount of

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external validation that's going
to fill the void.

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And so we bury this idea of, you
know, I just got to, I'll just

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work harder, You know, I'll just
try harder.

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I'll just do more and then thing
then I'll feel more whole and

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I'll feel more successful.
But the reality is, is that

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we're just stuffing what's truly
going on.

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And so in order for us to to
really recognize what we're

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doing, we have to be prepared to
just take responsibility, take

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responsibility for right where
we are.

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Hey, buddy, what you've done in
your life, Al, what I did in my

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life, I'm doing in my life is
great.

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And there are parts of it that
need to be adjusted.

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So first I got to take
responsibility for that.

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If I'm going to do it, that mean
I'm also taking responsibility

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for who I am, how I've been
thinking my, my actions,

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everything has led me to where I
am today.

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And then the third part of that
and I start to take

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responsibility for who I aspire
to become.

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And what that means is then is
then I had need to slow down

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again and start addressing why,
what is the driving force behind

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me asking or needing this
external validation.

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So then that really gets into
work that we do with, with guys

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and they first joined and come
into our group is to really

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understand what their values and
beliefs are, how they've come to

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be.
Are they borrowed?

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Many of our values and our
beliefs are borrowed.

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Do they still hold water like
they used to like or have they

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changed over time what you
valued when you were 20-30?

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Do they still mean something
today or has it has it shifted a

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bit?
And because we don't spend that

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that kind of time considering
those questions and doing that

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work, then we live in this idea
that other things external or,

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or what impact me are and are
important.

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And when we start to shift that
mindset and, and really getting

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solid on who we are and
redefining what our purpose and

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our mission is in life, then we
can be more in alignment with

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what matters to us.
And then the decisions are much,

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much easier to make because
they're coming from a place that

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that's deep with inside of
inside of us.

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And we feel good about it.
We don't have this feeling of,

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yeah, I'm going to do it.
And then at the end of the

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whatever it is that you've done,
you have an empty feeling.

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We find that that work.
When we do this work, that kind

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of stuff just goes away.
Yeah, I'll never forget how the

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first time I did any sort of
values work in identifying,

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Well, first time I never even
considered values.

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Just went about your day doing
stuff like, you know.

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But when I did examine and write
down my values, I was amazed how

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many of them were things that I
thought I was supposed to value,

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but they weren't really valuable
to me.

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So is that pretty common with
the men you're?

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Working with yeah, I completely
agree.

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And I, I think we, we, that
happened to some for so many of

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us.
And because we've been taught in

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some way, shape or form, whether
that's directly or indirectly.

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And what I mean by that, maybe
we had, you know, parents that

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were instilling certain types of
values, coaches, you know, it

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peace people have influenced our
lives.

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We're instilling these ideas
about what life is about.

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And so we took those on and
that's what I mean by borrowed.

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So now that I borrowed that and
for a while it served us, didn't

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it?
It really did serve us to be

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able to move forward.
The challenge with it is that we

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change, but then our values seem
to be stuck back, way back.

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And so they aren't evolving.
And So what I'm, what I find is

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that when we don't take a moment
to go back and, and we do our

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values and beliefs work on an
annual basis because we've grown

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and changed as, as individuals,
as leaders, as husbands,

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fathers.
And so we can't think that,

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well, this is what I this is
what I value.

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Like for me, value meant for the
longest time was that I needed

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to be successful in business,
work hard so that I could bring

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home the bacon and take care of
my family.

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That's on the surface, that
sounds pretty good.

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Hey, what's wrong with that?
Al, You didn't hear me say

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anything about taking care of my
family emotionally with the

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presence, with the ability to,
to nurture and, and and grow

230
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with them.
All you heard was it's all about

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me.
And that's the challenge and

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balancing between near values
and marrying them with our

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beliefs is that how do we become
a man of service that allows us

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to still have some form of
identity, but also be there for

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the people that we care about
most?

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And so when we start to think
about, hey, if I say I value

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family, but I work 70 hours a
week and I haven't had this

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conversation with my spouse and
my family to let them know about

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what the goal is overall.
And I'm just doing this thing

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because I think, well, they
should know.

241
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Then that's when we start to
fall in traps.

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A lot of successful men, and in
my own life too, there's that

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I'm not enough voice.
But how do you recognize when

244
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that's running the show and how
do you shift out of that?

245
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Well, that and that I'm not
enough voice is really this idea

246
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of how much do we have of self
acceptance?

247
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You know, on one end of the
scale of this, of the self

248
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acceptance scale is this
imposter syndrome.

249
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And all of us go through this,
don't we?

250
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There is some point in time if
you're going to start a new

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career or you're going to you're
going to learn a new skill,

252
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you're going to feel like you
can't do this and you start to

253
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do it.
And then you really you think,

254
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well, I got some of this down
and then somebody asks you, OK,

255
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I need you to go teach that to
somebody.

256
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And then you start to get those
this doubt.

257
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I said, well, I don't know if
I'm good enough.

258
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I don't know think I can be
enough of that.

259
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And So what ends up by happening
is we get caught into these this

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phase and the next one, the next
one is this negative self

261
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chatter.
And so we start listening and

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we're back on that hamster wheel
and we have this doubt.

263
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But the true, the truth of it
is, is that it's all make

264
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believe because we hasn't
haven't yet even attempted to

265
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try to do it.
And so the moment we start to

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attempt and move forward, then
we can start to release

267
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ourselves from this.
I'm not enoughness and the the

268
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next barrier we're going to face
and we're going to find is that

269
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we're going to start to compare
ourselves.

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Well, if I'm going to do this.
And then then you maybe got a

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00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:17,080
couple of paths in the back.
Hey, he did a great job there.

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That was awesome.
And then maybe you've got one

273
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piece of criticism that wasn't
as great.

274
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,120
And so now you start comparing,
well, am I as good as the next

275
00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,120
guy?
This is another guy I don't know

276
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,960
about you.
I, you know, I have a podcast as

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well.
I had to fight through these

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00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:35,640
stages in the early days of
putting, putting out episodes.

279
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Boy, is it going to sound good
enough to, you know, how my was

280
00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:41,840
I articulate enough to think
this is going to touch people.

281
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And at some point you just have
to let it go because whenever we

282
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:50,600
compare, we're never the same.
Are we rather going to be better

283
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,200
than or less than And however we
frame that.

284
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And so I stopped comparing.
The only comparison I have is

285
00:14:57,400 --> 00:15:00,440
how much effort have I put into
this episode, How much effort

286
00:15:00,440 --> 00:15:03,080
have I put into the tasks that
I'm doing?

287
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:07,440
And can I be 1% better.
And so then I stopped looking

288
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,600
for approval, that external
validation.

289
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:13,960
I'll measure my success based on
how I feel I've done my effort

290
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and being mindful that we're not
always going to be at 100%

291
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,680
everyday or 100% will look
differently.

292
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,560
But I think when we can finally
get to that other end of the

293
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:28,280
spectrum of true self acceptance
and accept and allow that every

294
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,040
day is going to be a different
day at hand.

295
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,680
I'm going to put my best foot
forward.

296
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,400
Then we can get start to get
ourselves out of this.

297
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:37,960
I'm enoughness because we're
always going to be enough.

298
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:42,080
And we may never be the Michael
Jordan of whatever it is that

299
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,320
we're trying to do.
But can there only is there

300
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:48,840
opportunity for you to be the
Michael Jordan of fatherhood,

301
00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:52,240
husbandry of other parts of your
life?

302
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,640
I would say that there's lots of
room for that for lots of us.

303
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:58,640
And so we have to be mindful of
how we're measuring ourselves

304
00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:02,080
and having things that make
sense for who we are as

305
00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:05,240
individuals.
And it's also important to

306
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:08,440
realize there was a time that
Michael Jordan wasn't the

307
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:13,760
Michael Jordan of anything. 100%
reading his autobiography, you

308
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:16,360
know, every year he worked on a
different skill, right?

309
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,200
I remember him reading about,
hey, people are saying he's not

310
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,320
a I'm not, he's not a very good
defensive player.

311
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:24,440
Bang, next thing you know, next
year, top defensive player in

312
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,760
the league.
Oh, this guy can't shoot the

313
00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:26,840
three pointer.
Boom.

314
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:28,680
Next thing you know, shooting 3
pointers.

315
00:16:28,680 --> 00:16:33,520
The point is, is that he was
able to shift that that critique

316
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:36,880
into something that he that
drove him as an individual.

317
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:41,360
And so can we learn from that
lesson and how can we then make

318
00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:44,960
better use of it as opposed to
having a defeat him and it would

319
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,720
defeat us, right?
Right.

320
00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:50,440
So then it sounds like those
that in at least some level of

321
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,400
imposter syndrome can be used as
a force of growth.

322
00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:54,960
It doesn't always have to be
destructive.

323
00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,440
Yeah, I completely agree with
that because it's in the story

324
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:03,560
that we're telling ourselves and
how and what is the lesson that

325
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:06,200
we're that we're pulling out,
you know, for years, you know,

326
00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,200
in high school.
This is so many decades ago.

327
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:12,440
Yeah, I grew up in a in a medium
sized town here in, in Canada.

328
00:17:13,079 --> 00:17:16,079
Our high school basketball team
never made it out of its little

329
00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:18,319
area.
We finally, this my senior year,

330
00:17:18,319 --> 00:17:21,839
we finally made it to our
provincial finals or it would be

331
00:17:21,839 --> 00:17:25,720
state finals.
And yeah, we came, we came in

332
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,319
second.
We lost the game by 5 points.

333
00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:32,200
And I carried that loss with me
for years.

334
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:35,920
And it's actually what drove me
to wanted to be the best chef I

335
00:17:35,920 --> 00:17:38,720
could be to competing in the
Culinary Olympics and all that.

336
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:43,360
But it also was part of the
piece that also hurt me because

337
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:45,760
I carried the story that I'm not
good enough.

338
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:50,520
I can only be second best.
And, and when I had that, and it

339
00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,600
took me almost, well, it took me
losing my first marriage to

340
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:58,760
really understand how how poorly
that was serving me.

341
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,400
But I couldn't see past the
trees.

342
00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,280
I couldn't see the forest
because all I was focused on was

343
00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:09,240
trying to be the best instead of
being the best husband and

344
00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:12,680
father and more than just what
it meant to be at work.

345
00:18:13,240 --> 00:18:15,640
And so I think we got to be
careful of the lesson of the

346
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,640
story that we're telling
ourselves when we're in these

347
00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:21,760
negative cycles.
And is there truth there and how

348
00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:26,240
much truth and what could be
true that we haven't accepted

349
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,600
just yet?
And sometimes that takes work

350
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,640
by, you know, joining a men's
group or speaking to a buddy or

351
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:35,320
somebody to doing to helping you
get through that because there

352
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,360
is a deeper truth.
You just have to be ready to and

353
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,600
willing to hear it.
Right.

354
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,720
Yeah, Keep willing.
Yeah, yeah.

355
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,960
That that's a big part of of
every aspect of growth and

356
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:49,840
bettering yourself and being of
service to your family, to a

357
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:54,280
business, to the world.
I want to get back to you really

358
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,520
opened up with talking about
grief and the the loss of your

359
00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:00,760
father-in-law.
I've heard you say that grief

360
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:03,800
can be more than the loss of a
loved one can.

361
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,920
Can you expand on on what that
means?

362
00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:10,840
Grief happen can happen for in
lots of different ways when we

363
00:19:10,840 --> 00:19:15,800
consider that our identity is so
as men, you know, big brush

364
00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:20,880
painting here, we attach our
identity to what we do in life.

365
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:26,040
And if what we do gets taken
away from us, that's a form of

366
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:30,160
grief because now how do I
identify myself?

367
00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:34,320
How do I identify myself?
Hey, I'm Al the culinary chef,

368
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:39,880
and now I'm no longer that.
And so we'll go through the same

369
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,200
stages and steps of grief.
And so we're going to fight

370
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,800
that, you know, we're going to
we're going to beg for to have

371
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:49,120
to have it come back.
We're going to blame others and

372
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,280
we're going to blame, you know,
if you're a faith person, you're

373
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,920
going to blame God.
But the truth of the matter is,

374
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:57,080
is that there is no one to
blame.

375
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,560
There's not even for yourself to
blame necessarily.

376
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,920
Let's see, we're doing immoral
and illegal things and you're

377
00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,320
going to have to take account
the responsibility for that.

378
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,920
But you're going to go through
those grief piece grief steps.

379
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:13,880
And so the evolution of that
isn't being able to recognize

380
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,640
that this is the opportunity for
me to learn and to grow from

381
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:18,840
that.
And what are the things that

382
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:22,840
that I could do differently?
How can this prepare me for the

383
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:26,120
other stages in life?
And so grief can happen through

384
00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:30,640
the loss of a loss of work.
If you're very much a community

385
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:35,440
oriented person and you're
needing to shift and move your

386
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:40,440
family or move yourself, that's
a form can be a form of grief.

387
00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,200
How many people have have heard
of being homesick?

388
00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:48,720
Like I can remember moving as a
young as a young boy, my father

389
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:52,160
wanted to move closer to into
this other town that was closer

390
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:54,800
for work so he didn't have to
drive a few hours every day.

391
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,200
And I thought my life was going
to end right.

392
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:01,760
It's a 1213 year old because all
my buddies that were being left

393
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,560
behind.
But the truth of the matter is

394
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:06,440
it was an opportunity for me to
grow and OK, and I got to make

395
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:10,080
new friends and I have to learn
some stuff and and there was it

396
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,600
was a decision that had to be
made.

397
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:18,360
But as we get older, we can get
fixated on how we've aligned our

398
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,880
lives.
And so grief can happen through

399
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:25,520
the loss of relationship, not
necessarily like, like losing a

400
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:29,680
father-in-law, but moving or
losing a best friend.

401
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:33,160
You have an argument and you
just have irreconcilable

402
00:21:33,160 --> 00:21:36,080
differences now.
And they can't get, can't get

403
00:21:36,120 --> 00:21:38,640
that back together.
I see that a lot, you know,

404
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,200
coming out of the pandemic and
how much that shifted

405
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:44,760
relationships with people.
And we can lose it through,

406
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:49,680
through business and we can lose
it obviously in our intimate

407
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:54,640
relationships when when we go
through divorce or loss of a

408
00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:59,000
loss of really close loved ones.
And so we pay attention that our

409
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:03,200
no matter where the grief comes,
we can still face it with

410
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,760
strength and power.
But you need to be in an

411
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:09,760
environment that allows you to
be able to share and go and go

412
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:13,240
through that.
There is no right way to grief.

413
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,160
There is only the opportunity to
do it.

414
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:19,520
And if you don't have that
opportunity to do it, then we

415
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:23,000
tend to stuff our emotions and
then that it shows up in much,

416
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:26,440
much more challenging ways, much
more destructive ways.

417
00:22:26,560 --> 00:22:30,720
And for many times it can lead
to addictions of many different

418
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:35,360
varieties.
How do you see men and women

419
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:39,600
handling grief differently?
And is there something specific

420
00:22:39,600 --> 00:22:42,320
that men need more to deal with
grief?

421
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:46,320
Yeah, I think when, what I, what
I have encountered an experience

422
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:51,080
is that women are much more
emotional and, and vulnerable

423
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,840
with it.
And so they'll they'll share

424
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,880
with their friends, their
girlfriends and they'll get in

425
00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:00,360
and have the crying, the crying
fests and the hugs and that.

426
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:03,560
And guys, we tend to, you know,
buckle in.

427
00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:08,600
We use misguided ideas of
Stoicism and Marcus Aurelius in

428
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,760
that.
We think that we don't, that we

429
00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,920
don't, we show strength is not
showing any emotion.

430
00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:17,840
And I don't believe that's what
what Marcus intended.

431
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:21,040
It was about having, you know,
having emotional control.

432
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:24,920
So we're not doing things that
are detriment to ourselves and

433
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:27,480
to others.
And So what we need to do and

434
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:32,120
learn as men is to be able to,
yes, have that good cry when

435
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:37,480
it's necessary, have that
vulnerability, But you can only

436
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:41,600
do that if you're, if you're in
a place where you have trust.

437
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:44,880
And so for men, our challenge
is, is that we haven't built the

438
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:47,040
kind of trust throughout our, in
our lives.

439
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,400
Now, I don't know, I'm not a
woman, I don't know what it was

440
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,920
like for, for women's sports,
but I can tell you growing up,

441
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:54,880
and maybe you experienced this
as well, Andy, And when you're

442
00:23:54,880 --> 00:24:00,280
playing sports, there's, it can
be difficult gaining trust if

443
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:04,000
you're new, the new guy on the
team, the rookie, you know, the

444
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,360
hazing rituals that I can
remember going through.

445
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:10,600
There was difficult for some
people to adjust to that, to

446
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:14,400
adjust to building that trust.
And so you needed to be careful.

447
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,720
You know, there was always lots
of teasing and sometimes that

448
00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:21,880
teasing would go over the line
and be extremely brutal.

449
00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:26,000
And so we've learned as men that
it's difficult to trust other,

450
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:28,960
be in company other and trust
them because I don't know if

451
00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:32,200
that guy's going to take
advantage of me some way somehow

452
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:36,600
down the road.
And so we need to build trust

453
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:41,360
within our environments and the
guys that we, that, that we feel

454
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:44,760
that we can do that with.
And, and that only happens by, I

455
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:49,400
hate to say it, having a little
bit of trust and starting to

456
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,760
step into it.
And I wouldn't have a, the most

457
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:56,800
challenging conversation with
somebody that you, that you feel

458
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,320
you need to do.
I would start with something

459
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:01,920
smaller that, hey, it's not,
it's not a big deal.

460
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:05,040
I want if it goes one way or the
other, it doesn't end anything.

461
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:08,080
It's an opportunity for you to
practice of being somewhat

462
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:11,280
vulnerable so you can get into
deeper conversations later.

463
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:14,640
But if we don't have them to
begin with, then we never build

464
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:17,640
that skill set.
We never build that muscle to be

465
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:21,960
able to create this foundation
of trust within our our male

466
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:22,840
relationships.
Yeah.

467
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:28,440
Somebody in any relationship
needs to be brave enough to take

468
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:31,320
that first bit of risk.
Absolutely.

469
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:32,320
You know what they're all
saying.

470
00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:37,680
If, if it's got to be, it's up
to me and, and I live as much as

471
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:41,000
I can with that model and then
doing it also, though, from a

472
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:44,560
considering a place of as much
as much kindness as I can.

473
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,800
And kindness doesn't mean being
soft.

474
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:52,000
Kindness means if I, you know,
if the need to share a truth

475
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:56,240
that, you know, I need to share
a truth that Andy needs to hear,

476
00:25:56,240 --> 00:26:00,280
then how can I say that to Andy
and still allow him to hear it

477
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:04,720
and not completely destroy him,
try and leave him in a, in a

478
00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:06,920
better place than where, than
where we're starting.

479
00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:09,920
And that takes practice.
And it's going to be messy and

480
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:11,400
it isn't always going to come
off great.

481
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,760
But I think everyone of us can
find that person in our lives

482
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:17,440
where we can have that.
We can practice with that type

483
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:20,400
of conversation.
But if it's got to be, it is up

484
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,480
to me.
And when we start to live from

485
00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:25,280
that perspective and start
practicing it, and I think we

486
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,920
can find that we can create a
much stronger circle of trust.

487
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,720
And then when we have that, that
goes back to our earlier

488
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:36,320
conversation that feels much
better internally for us.

489
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:42,000
We'll feel much more validated
inside and fulfilled because we

490
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:45,480
know that I can put my heart on
the table and Andy isn't going

491
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:47,840
to crush it.
You know, still might tell me I

492
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:50,640
have there's things I need to do
and I'm OK with that because I

493
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:53,880
know a brother has my back and
he's doing this because he wants

494
00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:56,440
to make sure that I show up the
best that I can.

495
00:26:57,120 --> 00:27:02,000
So how important is brotherhood
and community for men to heal,

496
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:05,360
grow and evolve?
I think it is the key catalyst

497
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:08,240
of everything that we do in our
in our work.

498
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:11,120
If we don't have brotherhood, if
we don't have somebody else to

499
00:27:11,120 --> 00:27:15,840
walk the line with us, to walk
shoulder to shoulder, then it's

500
00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:18,560
a lonely trip.
There's a saying that go

501
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:20,600
something like if you want to go
fast, go alone.

502
00:27:20,600 --> 00:27:25,240
If you want to go far, go with
others and that's really what

503
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,760
brotherhood is about.
It's about that opportunity to

504
00:27:27,760 --> 00:27:33,120
be able to be mentored, be a
mentee and be a mentor for

505
00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:38,160
someone and to have brothers who
can who were mentoring alongside

506
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,080
with each other.
And you can do it when you do

507
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:44,280
that within a group, whatever
size that is.

508
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:49,120
I think we find as men that we
deepen our compassion for for

509
00:27:49,120 --> 00:27:50,640
life.
We all have a better

510
00:27:50,640 --> 00:27:55,040
understanding of what it means
to truly be men in today's

511
00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,200
environment.
And then we can support each

512
00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:00,640
other more so than than any
other way.

513
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:04,840
I know that there are guys today
that if I had an issue at 4:00

514
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:08,280
in the morning that I could pick
up the phone and call and they

515
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:11,240
know the same comes back.
I didn't have that five years

516
00:28:11,240 --> 00:28:14,520
ago, didn't have somebody that I
could do that.

517
00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:17,640
So I would have dealt with my
stuff by myself.

518
00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:21,320
And so brotherhood is so
important and it takes time to

519
00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:25,560
to build and be in it.
And so I encourage men that are

520
00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:27,960
looking, maybe you're looking
for that you're not sure about

521
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:32,640
this brotherhood thing.
Pry it out, stick it out, do

522
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,600
some, do the work that they're
asking you to do.

523
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:38,680
I think you're going to find
that the guys in those groups in

524
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:42,720
that circle are there for all of
our all of the group's best

525
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:46,360
interest, including yourself.
And so if there's a man

526
00:28:46,360 --> 00:28:50,280
listening that has that I'm not
enough voice kicking in, or

527
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:52,960
perhaps they're carrying grief
that they haven't dealt with,

528
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:56,760
what's a first small step that
could bring some relief?

529
00:28:57,600 --> 00:29:00,840
Yeah, I think the first step,
the first step is to truly

530
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:05,360
understand that you're you're in
a in a bad place, whatever that

531
00:29:05,360 --> 00:29:09,360
looks like for you and that do
going out of the lone no longer

532
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:12,720
works.
And so admit and, and, and take

533
00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:17,120
responsibility for exactly where
you're at and then tell yourself

534
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:20,240
it's OK because you're no longer
alone.

535
00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:22,560
And you know what?
Google's pretty powerful,

536
00:29:22,560 --> 00:29:25,440
brother.
Start looking for men's work.

537
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:28,080
Men's work today is so
prevalent.

538
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:30,680
There's stuff everywhere.
There's no reason why that you

539
00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:33,520
can't find something if it's not
within your community.

540
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:36,960
For sure there's something
online, but it really takes

541
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:41,440
starting by really taking
responsibility for understanding

542
00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:45,040
I can't do this alone anymore
and to start to reach out.

543
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:48,720
And that may be a close friend
that you do that with that you

544
00:29:48,720 --> 00:29:50,520
may be have some trust and you
can do it.

545
00:29:51,040 --> 00:29:55,280
And if not, it's reaching out to
work that you know, Andy's doing

546
00:29:55,280 --> 00:29:58,000
or right, we're doing with the
with the band of brothers.

547
00:29:58,600 --> 00:29:59,880
But you need to take some
action.

548
00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:02,200
And I think if you can just take
one small step, you're going to

549
00:30:02,200 --> 00:30:05,600
find there's lots of people out
there that are willing to help.

550
00:30:06,240 --> 00:30:08,720
And if they're willing to help
and you're willing to start,

551
00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:10,640
then life's going to be much
better.

552
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:13,000
Indeed.
So, Alan.

553
00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:14,320
Alan, tell me about your.
Podcast.

554
00:30:14,760 --> 00:30:16,320
Yeah.
So our podcast is the

555
00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:19,720
Revolutionary Man podcast.
It's a podcast that it's about

556
00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:22,240
everybody on their own being on
their own hero's journey.

557
00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:25,760
It's about their death and
rebirth moment that transformed

558
00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:28,680
their lives into something much
greater than they had ever

559
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:30,320
thought and how they're serving
the world.

560
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:33,040
And so we talk about lots of
men's issues.

561
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:36,000
It's focused on everything from
relationships to health, you

562
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:39,800
know, some business ideas about
also dealing in with mental

563
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:43,840
health, but really about helping
guys hear other people's journey

564
00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:46,760
of what they've gone through.
So again, so that they know

565
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:50,360
that, hey, maybe, you know, I've
gone through that was a while

566
00:30:50,360 --> 00:30:52,320
and look at what this individual
has done.

567
00:30:52,320 --> 00:30:56,560
And so we've had, you know, NFL
Super Bowl players on our team.

568
00:30:56,560 --> 00:31:00,880
We've had, you know, doctors,
lawyers, we've had all different

569
00:31:00,880 --> 00:31:02,400
kinds of folks.
Navy Seals.

570
00:31:02,400 --> 00:31:05,560
It's a great opportunity for you
to hear about other people's

571
00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:08,960
journey and to maybe get a
couple of strategies of what you

572
00:31:08,960 --> 00:31:11,280
can do to implement to help your
life.

573
00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:14,680
Ellen, what's one thing that you
wish more men knew?

574
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:22,320
I think more, I wish more men
knew that people love you.

575
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:28,480
And I think, you know, as boys,
once we're old enough to run and

576
00:31:28,760 --> 00:31:33,280
crawl and get off of our dad's
knee, we don't get much

577
00:31:33,280 --> 00:31:37,320
affection after that.
And so we grow up then being

578
00:31:37,320 --> 00:31:39,840
these rough and tumble guys.
And don't get me wrong, and

579
00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:42,280
kids, the boys need that energy
as well.

580
00:31:42,960 --> 00:31:46,480
We don't get a lot of the
nurture piece.

581
00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:51,400
And so I want men to know that
you are loved beyond measure and

582
00:31:51,400 --> 00:31:54,560
measuring it from an external
perspective is going, it could

583
00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:58,400
be, is going to be challenging.
And so know that from within.

584
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:02,400
Know that you were put here for
a purpose and you were put here

585
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:07,640
to do something, whatever that
is, and that all that all that

586
00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:10,480
we're asking you to do is to
lean into it.

587
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,360
Lean into who you are and know
that you are loved.

588
00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:18,240
Yeah, I can say that the the joy
in life is discovering your

589
00:32:18,240 --> 00:32:19,960
purpose and then committing to
it.

590
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:23,560
And that brings a lot more joy
and happiness to our daily

591
00:32:23,560 --> 00:32:25,480
experience if you're willing to
to do that work.

592
00:32:25,720 --> 00:32:27,440
Percent, brother.
Cool.

593
00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:31,000
So Alan, what's the best way for
people to connect with you and

594
00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:32,440
learn about all of your
offerings?

595
00:32:32,520 --> 00:32:34,440
Yeah, best.
Place to go is the awake

596
00:32:34,440 --> 00:32:37,840
anddemand.net, go to that.
That's our web page.

597
00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:39,680
There you're going to see
there's a pop up that's going to

598
00:32:39,680 --> 00:32:42,360
show up.
There's a free download or an

599
00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:44,160
exercise.
It's called Setting the Compass.

600
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:48,000
It's an opportunity for you to
write your life's headline of

601
00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:50,000
what the past 12 months was all
about.

602
00:32:50,440 --> 00:32:53,040
And then it'll take you through
an exercise to write what the

603
00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:56,920
next headline for the upcoming
12 months gives you a chance to

604
00:32:56,920 --> 00:32:59,680
get a flavor kind of work that
we do here at the Awakened Man

605
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:03,520
and our and our men's group.
And it's a free resource for for

606
00:33:03,520 --> 00:33:06,880
those that are listening.
Well, Alan, thanks so much for

607
00:33:07,560 --> 00:33:11,480
doing your own work and helping
other men do their work because,

608
00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:15,360
you know, I believe what this
world needs is more men on

609
00:33:15,360 --> 00:33:19,840
purpose enjoy being of service.
And yeah, it'll be a different

610
00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:21,720
world when they're just more men
doing that.

611
00:33:22,280 --> 00:33:24,280
Completely agree brother, thank
you so much for having me on the

612
00:33:24,280 --> 00:33:27,920
show, I love the conversation.
That was Alan Dimonco showing us

613
00:33:27,920 --> 00:33:30,640
what it looks like to face
imposter syndrome and grief head

614
00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:33,600
on and turn those challenges
into catalyst for growth.

615
00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:36,800
If his story resonated with you,
be sure and check out The

616
00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:38,760
Awakened Man at the links in the
show notes.

617
00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:42,360
And remember, you don't have to
wrestle with imposter syndrome,

618
00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:45,600
grief, or any other life
challenge alone.

619
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,680
That's why I created the
Authentic AF Community, a free

620
00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:54,000
online brotherhood where men can
be real, share openly, and be

621
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:56,760
supported to become the men
we're meant to be.

622
00:33:57,280 --> 00:34:01,600
Join us today at
realmenfeel.org/group and until

623
00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:03,640
next time, be good to yourself.